Almost There (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Blind Date
1 Scarlet, let's talk about your paper on boredom.
It's Boring? Well, it's not your best work.
Boredom is not a psychological condition.
"Two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom" -- Schopenhauer.
"Boredom is the reverse of fascination.
Both depend on being outside rather than inside a situation" -- Schopenhauer.
Wish you were inside my situation, professor.
Okay.
Boundaries, please.
Yeah, I have a problem with those.
Your assignment was to write about a psychological condition.
Boredom is, uh, an emotional state, okay? Depression is a psychological condition.
God, are you saying I'm depressed? No, I'm just pointing out the distinction.
- Now, look -- - I probably am depressed.
Scarlet, I'm your professor.
I'm not your therapist, all right? Now, let's get to this.
- I read your book.
- Oh, boy.
Scarlet, that has nothing to do with your paper.
- Best seller.
- Scarlet.
Then I googled you.
- Well, don't believe everything you Google.
- Whoa.
Okay? I still can't believe that you wrote a book about your client Okay.
who then found out the book was about him, then went out and screwed your fiancée.
- Scarlet.
And then you got into a fight with him and broke his nose.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to revise this paper and get it back to me by tomorrow.
Do you understand? I can't tonight.
I have a date.
Scarlet.
Oh, I'll cancel.
I mean, why keep looking when I honestly feel there's no one out there for me? Well, you know, you're a little young to be throwing in the towel.
Why is it guys are either assholes or stalkers? Except you Professor Cooper.
Okay.
Scarlet, boundaries.
Remember we talked about that five seconds ago? Like these boundaries? Um, you know what? Put your shirt back on, please.
My boundaries have great nipples.
Okay, put your shirt on, Scarlet, please.
Come on.
I -- okay.
Oh, my god.
I'm a young, hot - I can get in a lot of trouble.
- Impressionable undergrad.
Scarlet, there's a whole policy situation happening.
- You are a hot, damaged psychology professor.
- If somebody comes in here, I could lose my job.
Scarlet, just put your shirt on, please.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you.
It's just, like, guys suck, you know? The ones you want to call you back never do, and the ones you fake-number are in the bushes outside your building.
Uh-huh.
I mean, the last guy I dated snorted an eight ball off my tits and tweeted a picture of it to 2,000 followers.
Okay, Scarlet, maybe that should be the title of your thesis paper.
Revise this, and get back to me tomorrow.
Or you'll punish me? Goodbye, Scarlet.
Sign my book? Hey Oh, my love, let me be your fire We're 1,000 miles up and about to get higher Feel my heart beating out my chest You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed Singing oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh-oh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh You make me feel blessed You make me feel blessed You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed Jackson.
Oh, Diane, no, no.
Come on, Jackson.
I wouldn't set you up with just anyone.
Do you have any idea what a commodity you are? Huh? Handsome, successful, single guy who's actually looking for a relationship.
Um, except I'm not looking for a relationship.
Oh, well, I'm never setting you up again.
Mission accomplished.
Oh, you say that now, but I have so many hot, single girlfriends on the verge of desperation.
I will keep that in mind.
- She's really great.
- You know what? The last woman you set me up with chewed her food 10 times and then spit it into her napkin.
- Oh, god.
Was that Carol? - Yes.
No, see, I don't think I set her up with you.
I think I referred her to you.
Anyway, you're going out with Gretchen.
Let me know how it goes.
Okay.
Oh, god, I got to jump in the shower.
Every time I stand up or sit down now, I pee myself a little bit.
And we're out of time.
- Please use the keys for emergencies, Diane.
- Yeah.
Don't just barge in, okay? - Hello, gov'nor! - Oh, my god, Carter.
Hi.
Come in, please.
Make yourself at home.
You're out of beer.
What, are you daytime drinking now? It's not Tequila.
I checked.
You don't have any Tequila.
What are you doing here? I'm re-watching the '86 World Series.
It's one of the 10 designated daytime drinking events.
10? Come on.
Hit me.
World Series.
It's Kentucky Derby, Super Bowl Sunday, St.
Patty's Day, Indy 500, Thanksgiving Day if you're with your family, New Year's Day if you're not with your family, uh, Cinco de Mayo, Labor Day, and Groundhog Day.
- Come on.
Groundhog Day? - Mm.
It's February.
Any excuse, man.
Hey, listen, do me a favor.
Will you tell your customers to not light up in the elevator? It's starting to smell like a Lil Wayne concert in there.
Clients.
I call them clients.
That's classy.
On my tax return, I list them as chemical dependents.
- Get out.
- Yep.
Please leave my house.
I will be back when you restock your Tequila.
Yeah, if you're conscious later, come by for a drink.
- I'll need one after this blind date tonight, I'm sure.
- Done.
- Hey, you need to help me with a project I'm working on.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm coming up with a list of movies where you don't have to change the name of the original for the porno.
Yeah.
So, so far, I've got, uh, I got "Hang 'Em High," "The Firm," "Dr.
Strangelove.
" That's easy.
"The Elephant Man," "The Thing.
" - "Milk.
" - "Free Willy.
" "The Big Red One.
" "Roman Holiday.
" - "Roman Holiday"? - Come on.
It's like a Daytona flyby, except with whipped cream instead of ice.
Oh.
It's not really a thing.
I made it up.
Yeah, you made it up.
- I made it up.
- It's not really a thing.
See ya.
Hey, call first, will you? "The Jerk!" Wrote you a note to tell you Come to the party, come to the party You rolled your eyes Shit.
I'm not the one you want But I'll go until I get you I'll go until you're all mine No, I'll never give it up I'll go until I wear you down Anything to make you see Give me a little time And take all my money, take all my money You come around and someday I'll be the one you love Hi.
Hi.
Wow.
Please tell me that your name is Gretchen.
You don't know how much I wish I could.
My date just went to the restroom, and I think he took a maxi with him.
Natalie.
Hey, I'm Jackson.
Seems the gods of blind dating are not with me tonight.
Well, clearly, we haven't offered the proper sacrifice.
Burn our fake phone numbers with incense.
Spill a Cosmopolitan on a virgin, maybe.
No, I did that.
I swear I did that.
Well, hopefully your date goes better than mine.
He distributes bulk plastic wrap, so I'm pretty sure most of his clients are serial killers.
Hey, he's fulfilling a need.
He told me how much money he made last year Twice.
Mnh-mnh.
In psychiatry, that's called sublimating.
It's terrible.
Oh, god.
Don't tell me you're a shrink.
Well, I'm teaching more now.
But Dr.
Shrink, thank you very much.
Damn.
Now I'm gonna have to watch everything I say.
No, don't be ridiculous.
Everything will have some sort of veiled sexual reference.
That's not true.
Even Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
I bet you're a good psychiatrist.
Well, I'm not a psychiatrist now.
I'm just a guy in a bar.
How about you? What do you do? I'm a cop.
Seriously? No.
Oh, my god.
I was just trying to think of a job that would intimidate a psychiatrist.
Well, congratulations.
You succeeded.
But in fairness, I'd be intimidated no matter what, so Back at ya.
Uh, no, I edit cookbooks.
You edit cookbooks? - That's completely charming.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it's not great pay, but I get to taste a lot of delicious things.
Oh, see, now all I can hear is the sexual innuendo.
Oh, and I work part time as an event planner.
Did you know that the word "innuendo" actually has innuendo? "In-you-end-oh.
" Ugh.
It's too much.
That's too much.
We just met.
- What was I thinking? - Well, now it's just lost all meaning.
So, I guess everyone in New York must have a shrink, huh? Well, it seems like it.
It's a pretty intense city, so Mm.
You have nice eyes.
I can see why people open up to you.
- Listen, would it be weird - Jackson? - um, if I -- - Jackson? Jack-- Jackson? - Hi.
- Hi.
Gretchen Roberts.
Gretchen.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
The subway conductor had some unintelligible responses while we were sitting on the track for 20 minutes in the dark.
Some middle eastern kid with, like, a backpack, and the whole system shuts down.
- No, it's okay.
I didn't even - The kid was Indian.
didn't get a chance to order a drink yet.
I'll order you something.
Would you like a drink? I'm starving.
Let's get it at a table.
Yeah.
It has, like, 1,000, maybe 2,000 different kinds of uses alone.
Fascinating.
Bubble wrap.
Oh, totally.
It's, like, 75k a year easy.
I mean, geez, with all the, like, weirdos and creeps and stalkers and jerks, like, I feel really lucky to be out with, like, a nice guy.
Yeah, well, who knows? It's early yet.
But I have a good feeling about this, and I like the idea of being set up.
It's like a third, independent party thinks that we're gonna hit it off.
I want to trust fate, but the idea of just happening into the one.
I mean, what are the odds of meeting your soul mate? - That must be astronomical, right? - Mm-hmm.
My boss went to a psychic, and she told her she was never going to get married.
- Yeah, listen, I -- - I mean, W.
T.
F.
? - If that was me, I would be on a ledge.
- Yeah.
But, you know -- oh, wait.
Hold on.
What am I doing? I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be doing this.
- My sister told me - Right.
- not to talk about babies, politics - Uh-huh.
- or marriage on a first date - You know what? And not to update my status during -- You know what? Excuse me one second.
- Oh, all right.
- I'll be right back.
- Just one second.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, I will -- okay.
No, where it says "signature.
" Okay.
What's your name? Do you want it to you? No, I -- Teddy, what are you doing?! - I'm signing an autograph, Bob.
- Carter? Good morning, Carter.
How was the date? What are you doing here? Don't you have your own apartment? Hmm.
When did cartoons get postmodern? "Ren & Stimpy," I think.
"Ren & --" of course, of course.
The date.
How was the date? Uh, well, get this.
I-I went to the bar a little early, and I met this woman at the bar.
She was beautiful.
Like, really stunning.
Very attractive.
Like Katherine Heigl? Like, pre "Knocked Up" hot? Oh, yeah, easy.
How about Beckinsale post "Underworld" hot? Beckinsale in "Underworld.
" Wow.
That's a blend.
I know.
And I was hoping that she was my date -- praying.
Of course, she wasn't, but I spoke to her for a little while anyway, and she is smart and cool and funny and hot.
It was like talking to a female Jon Stewart.
Jon Stewart? That's am-- that's my dream girl.
I know.
All right.
Follow the plan.
Wait a couple days, give her a call.
I can't.
I didn't get her phone number.
Yeah.
What's her face showed up and was so crazy, I got -- I got distracted.
And by the time I got back to the bar, she was gone.
All right.
What do we know? What do we know? I know her name is Natalie.
I know that she edits cookbooks.
- Yep.
- Um -- Now, slow -- slow way down.
Natalie? - Yes, Natalie.
- Right.
Is it with a "y"? Oh, my god, Carter.
Natalie.
Never mind.
Never mind.
- She edits cookbooks.
- Uh-huh.
She is a part-time event planner.
Ooh.
That's interesting.
Why is that interesting? No, I just may have some events coming up.
All right, so here's what I want you to do.
You call the bartender, give him 50 bucks.
Uh, get the receipts from last night.
No.
No way.
She was on a date.
- She didn't pay.
- Hmm.
Well, even getting the name of her date would be, uh, would be helpful.
And plus, you can approximate the time that they left, and he can, uh, check the time stamp on the charges.
Yeah, you're right.
That's really good.
- That's smart.
- It is good.
Uh, I don't have any classes till this afternoon.
Maybe I'll go over there this morning.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna call publishers who edit cookbooks.
Oh, god.
You know what, Carter? Forget it.
This is ridiculous.
There's hundreds of publishers in New York alone.
All right.
What am I gonna do? I was gonna spend the morning trying to catch a pigeon.
- You were gonna what? - Yeah.
Wait, what? A pigeon.
But listen.
I don't want to -- I don't want to teach you how to fish, man, all right? I don't.
But I want to give you a fish.
That's not how that goes.
Jung -- you said it wrong.
Carl Jung says, "He who looks inside dreams, but he who looks outside is -- is awake.
" You read that off your phone.
I-I -- just the last part.
Thanks, Carter.
Good talk.
It's Wikipe-- it's Wikipedia.
It's all good stuff.
Kee-- Stalk Natalie.
Uh-huh Yeah Ooh One time, one time, one time Ooh Ooh, yeah Ooh Oh, yeah Feels good Ooh Ooh, yeah Cooper! Cooper! Hey, man! Hey, man! I'm here.
- Oh, god.
- You all right? Yeah.
You're very -- - You're very fast.
- I'm just walking.
- No, you're spee-- speed walking.
- Yeah.
You know, speed walking is an Olympic sport now.
W-what are you doing here, pal? I'm gonna be another set of eyes for you, man.
I can find the bar on my own.
I don't need help.
No, we're gonna retrace your steps.
I'm gonna help you look for her.
You sound like I lost a wallet.
Think about it.
How often do you stray from your regular route, you know? I don't have regular routes.
Every new yorker has a regular route.
Take a deep breath.
Catch your breath.
All right, the path that they stay on, right? Yeah, well -- you know, like why go to the Deli three blocks from your place when we got a Deli on our block, you know? 'Cause the Deli on our block sucks.
Well, we can't.
Cabbies go there.
I'm going.
All right, listen.
Hey.
- When someone goes missing, all right - Yeah.
communities come together to find that person, all right? Dogs sniff clothes.
So, in this scenario, you're gonna be -- I'm gonna be your community, all right? I'm gonna be your bloodhound.
I'm gonna be by your side every step of the way.
Carter, I don't want you by my side every step of the way.
Okay, fine.
We'll go solo.
That's totally fine.
- You, you follow the bar route.
- Uh-huh.
And I'm gonna go -- I'm gonna go another lead.
What other lead? Dalia.
Remember? Dalia? - From choral art society.
- Oh, the soprano? Yeah.
Well, she was an alto, I think.
- Mm.
- Very big.
Remember? She was very tall.
Were there two -- she had a deep voice.
Were there two dalias? She did the "jabberwocky" solo, remember? 'Twas brillig And the slithy toves I remember, yeah.
I remember.
- Did gyre and gimble in the wave - I remember.
All mimsy were the borogroves - I remember.
Yes.
- You remember.
Right.
Well, she works in publishing.
I'm gonna ask her if she knows anyone who's written cookbooks.
- Okay.
- Huh? All right.
On your way, on my way, all right? We'll circle the wagons later.
- Uh, she was at the bar.
- Thanks.
She's brunette, brown eyes.
How tall was she? I don't know, average height? 5'6 ", 5'7"? I don't know, man.
It was a busy night.
Lot of normal brunettes with brown eyes.
No, no, man, this was -- this was, like, the brunette with brown eyes.
Where the hell is my barback? Oh, and she was with a guy, too.
Well, that's a problem.
Listen, pal, I-I got to get back to -- - Wait, wait, wait.
- Hey.
Sorry, it's just I really got to find her.
She's -- she's special.
Wow.
Can't believe I said that.
Phew! So -- so, let me get this straight.
You -- you find this special girl at a bar, and you let her get away? Yeah.
What kind of an idiot are you? A total idiot.
A complete idiot, to answer your question.
But there was this other woman.
There's always another woman.
No, it was a blind date, and she was a disaster.
She pulled me away, and by the time I got back, Natalie was gone.
So come on, man.
Help me out.
Man to man, please.
I had a special girl once.
- Yeah? - Oh, dude, she was real special.
I was gonna marry her.
God, she had this laugh, just would light up the sky, you know? Yeah.
Was gonna take her to see my parents in Poughkeepsie.
What happened? One morning, I went to take her breakfast in bed.
Her roommate said she didn't come home that night.
Next day, they found her in a dumpster in Queens.
Listen.
You seem like a decent guy.
But I didn't see her.
Can I get back to my job? Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, man.
That's -- that's terrible.
Hey, you know what? My advice -- Women in bars, they're mirages.
Everybody looks good in the dark.
Best thing to do -- go to a library.
Natural lighting.
Yeah, thanks for the advice.
Good luck.
Never gonna unhear that story.
Are you fucking crazy? My drug dealer can't show up to where I work.
Hey, that's not fair.
You know I'm an herbal service provider.
You sell weed in New York City, Carter, which is illegal, by the way.
Well, I sell good weed.
Except for that Mexican dirt skunk you sold me last month.
Did I apologize for that? I apologize for that, all right? And I gave you a discount on the purple haze.
What do you want? Do you know a girl named Natalie who writes cookbooks? - Is that it? - That's it.
I thought that was the beginning of a story.
- Do you know her? - Oh, you're serious.
Well, yeah.
I'm asking for a friend.
- Natalie what? - Don't know.
Okay, what kind of cookbooks? I don't know.
So, all you've got is -- yes, what I provided you, which was Natalie and cookbook-- cookbooks.
Hi.
Cookbooks? I work in fashion.
Yes, well, food is the new fashion.
I read that in New York Magazine.
You read New York Magazine? Yes.
I read -- I read, and I write.
And I just -- I actually just -- last week, hey, I got a personal, "Dear, sir, please resubmit" from slate.
From on-- from online slate.
Okay, you know, there are hundreds, thousands of cookbooks published each year.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you google "Natalie, cookbooks"? Well, I did not.
Not together.
But yeah, I'm not an idiot.
Dalia, please, will you help a pal, all right? He's heartbroken.
I don't know who or what you're talking about, and I have to get back to work before my boss throws coffee at me.
Hey.
And I need another eighth for the weekend.
"Rocky Horror Picture Show's" playing at the Ziegfeld.
What? Why do people like that movie? It's -- yes, it's kitschy, but it's -- it's not good cinema.
Here, I have -- I don't -- it's not -- it's not -- I have a ninth.
It's not really -- what the hell are you doing?! - What? - I am at work.
I'm not ashamed.
Let me get my wallet.
I got bupkis.
I love it when you talk Yiddish.
Is "bupkis" Yiddish? Isn't it? Didn't we take linguistics together? Yes.
Professor Jenkins.
And that beautiful Haitian T.
A.
Ay-ya-ya.
Remember when she insulted you in creole? That was poetry.
She wasn't insulting me.
She was totally insulting you.
All right.
Anyway, I got nothing at the bar.
Zip, zero, zilch.
- Nunca.
- Rien.
Is that French? Oui.
Ei mitaan.
- Ooh, that's a tough one.
- Yeah.
- What is that, Afrikaans? - No.
Listen closely.
Ei mitaan.
- German.
- No.
- Swedish? - Close.
- Finnish.
- Finnish! For the win, man.
You crossed the finish line.
And yet, still - We got nothing.
- We got nothing.
You going to get your head shrunk? - Yeah, to the size of a pea.
- Mm.
Is that weird for you? What? That you used to be a shrink, and now, you know, you pay someone to shrink you? Well, I got my head shrunk when I was a shrink 'cause that's how you keep your license.
Mm.
Talk about Natalie in there? I'm not gonna discuss my session with you, Carter.
Totally respect that.
Okay.
- Talk about me? - Goodbye, Carter.
You can if you want to.
I don't mind.
I'll see you, buddy.
All right.
I'm walking.
Walking down 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wave All mimsy were the borogroves M-m-mome, the mome raths outgrabe So, how you been, Coop? And don't give me the usual bullshit.
I've been really good.
Really well.
And by that, I mean exactly the same.
Bullshit.
Ira.
I-I can see it on your face.
There's some shit going on.
Okay, there is some shit going on.
So, last time we talked, you said you started seeing someone.
I did.
Her name was Clancy.
And she was an organic roof farmer.
She was lovely in every way, but she started leaving stuff in my apartment, and it really freaked me out, so she's gone.
You're starting to turn into a cliché, Coop.
Ira, you don't think I know that? Come on.
Jackson Cooper -- only child, classic abnormal difficulty handling loss for obvious and deep-seeded reasons.
Attachment issues, detachment issues, also for obvious and deep-seeded reasons.
I get it.
Don't try to impress me with the clinical jargon bullshit.
You're not a therapist anymore.
So, what's going on? I met a woman.
Tell me.
If I had a fantasy version of a woman, this would be her.
She is beautiful and smart and interesting and funny.
She made me laugh.
So, what's the problem got you pissing in your Wheaties? I lost her before I could get her phone number.
But you liked her.
More than just want to bang her, you liked her? Yes.
Yes.
I liked her.
I mean, we only spoke for five minutes, but it was really powerful.
Mm.
That word -- "powerful.
" You know you used it when you banged Lisa.
I remember thinking, "Something doesn't smell right.
" Lisa and I were engaged, so that was powerful, right? Powerful relationships don't end with the fiancée screwing your former client.
Oh, god, I hate these sessions.
Because you need them? No, this is different, Ira.
I I can't explain it.
It's like she woke something up in me.
- So find her.
- I tried.
Trying's for losers.
All right.
Yeah, trying is bullshit.
Now you're speaking my language.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's going on with you? You look like hell.
Well, I've been woman hunting.
For the meat or just for sport? It's stupid.
I have no doubt.
It's nothing.
I mean, it's really -- Doc.
I met this woman last night, Soph.
She's fantastic, and I didn't get her last name or her phone number.
Wait a minute.
What is happening here? Is Dr.
Cooper smitten? I don't know about smitten, but I might want to explore my irrational fear of commitment and sleep with her and then break up with her.
Aww.
You're such a romantic.
- Yeah.
- Listen to me, doc.
- What? - Don't worry about this.
In my experience, these things have a way of working themselves out.
You'll probably bump into her on the subway.
Yeah.
Hope so.
All right, give me 10 minutes? I cannot do that.
- Okay, five minutes? - No.
Great.
Good talk.
- Hello.
Can I help you? - Hi.
Yeah.
I'm looking for professor, um -- Oh, I forgot his name.
And you are? Natalie.
Oh, yeah, Natalie.
I see you right here.
- Why don't you have a seat? - Okay.
W-wait.
Do -- do I know you? You look so familiar.
Oh, no.
I get that all the time.
I've got one of those familiar faces, you know? I have one of those faces where people say, "Are you all right?" Oh, that's not true.
It is.
It's okay.
Keeps the annoying people at bay.
Soph.
Yeah, doc? Go ahead and send her in.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Audrey? Dr.
Cooper will see you now.
Hey, Natalie? Dr.
Harty could be a while.
Would you want to reschedule? Oh, no.
I don't mind waiting.
Okay.
Soph.
What's her name? Audrey.
No, not you Natalie.
Ooh, ooh, yeah Girl, let me get a napkin I could change your life We could watch the stars if you give one night up Under moonlight or in the Cali sunshine We don't need nobody else to have a good time We can make plans, I know I won't break 'em Life is all about chances, girl, take 'em Welcome to Jamaica, come on It's the place for you and me You the one to make a "g" bring sand to the beach Don't you know that we can make it be like that? Uh-huh Don't you know I love you? Baby, that's a fact And all I really want to do Is be with you and fly away Come rock with me Over the hills and across the deep, blue sea Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh All I really want to do Is be with you and fly away Where we going? So come on, baby, and take a trip with me - Yeah - Fly with me We can have fun, it's just for a day Let me show you the way, or you can pick the place When I touch down, love the smile on your face So you know it's gonna be hard when I go away But for now, we in the moment Feeling all open like waves in the ocean, floatin' I'm engulfed by the fire we make Girl, you're hotter than a high-speed chase Ooh, yeah Don't you know that we can make it be like that? Don't you know I love you? Baby, that's a fact And all I really want to do Is be with you and fly away Over the hills and across the deep, blue sea Ooh, yeah All I really want to do Is be with you and fly away So come on, baby, and take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah I know, I know, I know I said I won't, but I would Fly around the world for you, baby, I could It's good like a Sunday dinner with my family It takes a real sweet woman just to handle me You're perfect, but we can make perfection We could take a trip where the phones lose connection Uh-huh, and the trees get blown Roll with a "G", you'll never want to go home Don't you know that we can make it be like that? Like that, like that Don't you know I love you? Baby, that's a fact And all I really want to do
It's Boring? Well, it's not your best work.
Boredom is not a psychological condition.
"Two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom" -- Schopenhauer.
"Boredom is the reverse of fascination.
Both depend on being outside rather than inside a situation" -- Schopenhauer.
Wish you were inside my situation, professor.
Okay.
Boundaries, please.
Yeah, I have a problem with those.
Your assignment was to write about a psychological condition.
Boredom is, uh, an emotional state, okay? Depression is a psychological condition.
God, are you saying I'm depressed? No, I'm just pointing out the distinction.
- Now, look -- - I probably am depressed.
Scarlet, I'm your professor.
I'm not your therapist, all right? Now, let's get to this.
- I read your book.
- Oh, boy.
Scarlet, that has nothing to do with your paper.
- Best seller.
- Scarlet.
Then I googled you.
- Well, don't believe everything you Google.
- Whoa.
Okay? I still can't believe that you wrote a book about your client Okay.
who then found out the book was about him, then went out and screwed your fiancée.
- Scarlet.
And then you got into a fight with him and broke his nose.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to revise this paper and get it back to me by tomorrow.
Do you understand? I can't tonight.
I have a date.
Scarlet.
Oh, I'll cancel.
I mean, why keep looking when I honestly feel there's no one out there for me? Well, you know, you're a little young to be throwing in the towel.
Why is it guys are either assholes or stalkers? Except you Professor Cooper.
Okay.
Scarlet, boundaries.
Remember we talked about that five seconds ago? Like these boundaries? Um, you know what? Put your shirt back on, please.
My boundaries have great nipples.
Okay, put your shirt on, Scarlet, please.
Come on.
I -- okay.
Oh, my god.
I'm a young, hot - I can get in a lot of trouble.
- Impressionable undergrad.
Scarlet, there's a whole policy situation happening.
- You are a hot, damaged psychology professor.
- If somebody comes in here, I could lose my job.
Scarlet, just put your shirt on, please.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you.
It's just, like, guys suck, you know? The ones you want to call you back never do, and the ones you fake-number are in the bushes outside your building.
Uh-huh.
I mean, the last guy I dated snorted an eight ball off my tits and tweeted a picture of it to 2,000 followers.
Okay, Scarlet, maybe that should be the title of your thesis paper.
Revise this, and get back to me tomorrow.
Or you'll punish me? Goodbye, Scarlet.
Sign my book? Hey Oh, my love, let me be your fire We're 1,000 miles up and about to get higher Feel my heart beating out my chest You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed Singing oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh-oh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh You make me feel blessed You make me feel blessed You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed Jackson.
Oh, Diane, no, no.
Come on, Jackson.
I wouldn't set you up with just anyone.
Do you have any idea what a commodity you are? Huh? Handsome, successful, single guy who's actually looking for a relationship.
Um, except I'm not looking for a relationship.
Oh, well, I'm never setting you up again.
Mission accomplished.
Oh, you say that now, but I have so many hot, single girlfriends on the verge of desperation.
I will keep that in mind.
- She's really great.
- You know what? The last woman you set me up with chewed her food 10 times and then spit it into her napkin.
- Oh, god.
Was that Carol? - Yes.
No, see, I don't think I set her up with you.
I think I referred her to you.
Anyway, you're going out with Gretchen.
Let me know how it goes.
Okay.
Oh, god, I got to jump in the shower.
Every time I stand up or sit down now, I pee myself a little bit.
And we're out of time.
- Please use the keys for emergencies, Diane.
- Yeah.
Don't just barge in, okay? - Hello, gov'nor! - Oh, my god, Carter.
Hi.
Come in, please.
Make yourself at home.
You're out of beer.
What, are you daytime drinking now? It's not Tequila.
I checked.
You don't have any Tequila.
What are you doing here? I'm re-watching the '86 World Series.
It's one of the 10 designated daytime drinking events.
10? Come on.
Hit me.
World Series.
It's Kentucky Derby, Super Bowl Sunday, St.
Patty's Day, Indy 500, Thanksgiving Day if you're with your family, New Year's Day if you're not with your family, uh, Cinco de Mayo, Labor Day, and Groundhog Day.
- Come on.
Groundhog Day? - Mm.
It's February.
Any excuse, man.
Hey, listen, do me a favor.
Will you tell your customers to not light up in the elevator? It's starting to smell like a Lil Wayne concert in there.
Clients.
I call them clients.
That's classy.
On my tax return, I list them as chemical dependents.
- Get out.
- Yep.
Please leave my house.
I will be back when you restock your Tequila.
Yeah, if you're conscious later, come by for a drink.
- I'll need one after this blind date tonight, I'm sure.
- Done.
- Hey, you need to help me with a project I'm working on.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm coming up with a list of movies where you don't have to change the name of the original for the porno.
Yeah.
So, so far, I've got, uh, I got "Hang 'Em High," "The Firm," "Dr.
Strangelove.
" That's easy.
"The Elephant Man," "The Thing.
" - "Milk.
" - "Free Willy.
" "The Big Red One.
" "Roman Holiday.
" - "Roman Holiday"? - Come on.
It's like a Daytona flyby, except with whipped cream instead of ice.
Oh.
It's not really a thing.
I made it up.
Yeah, you made it up.
- I made it up.
- It's not really a thing.
See ya.
Hey, call first, will you? "The Jerk!" Wrote you a note to tell you Come to the party, come to the party You rolled your eyes Shit.
I'm not the one you want But I'll go until I get you I'll go until you're all mine No, I'll never give it up I'll go until I wear you down Anything to make you see Give me a little time And take all my money, take all my money You come around and someday I'll be the one you love Hi.
Hi.
Wow.
Please tell me that your name is Gretchen.
You don't know how much I wish I could.
My date just went to the restroom, and I think he took a maxi with him.
Natalie.
Hey, I'm Jackson.
Seems the gods of blind dating are not with me tonight.
Well, clearly, we haven't offered the proper sacrifice.
Burn our fake phone numbers with incense.
Spill a Cosmopolitan on a virgin, maybe.
No, I did that.
I swear I did that.
Well, hopefully your date goes better than mine.
He distributes bulk plastic wrap, so I'm pretty sure most of his clients are serial killers.
Hey, he's fulfilling a need.
He told me how much money he made last year Twice.
Mnh-mnh.
In psychiatry, that's called sublimating.
It's terrible.
Oh, god.
Don't tell me you're a shrink.
Well, I'm teaching more now.
But Dr.
Shrink, thank you very much.
Damn.
Now I'm gonna have to watch everything I say.
No, don't be ridiculous.
Everything will have some sort of veiled sexual reference.
That's not true.
Even Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
I bet you're a good psychiatrist.
Well, I'm not a psychiatrist now.
I'm just a guy in a bar.
How about you? What do you do? I'm a cop.
Seriously? No.
Oh, my god.
I was just trying to think of a job that would intimidate a psychiatrist.
Well, congratulations.
You succeeded.
But in fairness, I'd be intimidated no matter what, so Back at ya.
Uh, no, I edit cookbooks.
You edit cookbooks? - That's completely charming.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it's not great pay, but I get to taste a lot of delicious things.
Oh, see, now all I can hear is the sexual innuendo.
Oh, and I work part time as an event planner.
Did you know that the word "innuendo" actually has innuendo? "In-you-end-oh.
" Ugh.
It's too much.
That's too much.
We just met.
- What was I thinking? - Well, now it's just lost all meaning.
So, I guess everyone in New York must have a shrink, huh? Well, it seems like it.
It's a pretty intense city, so Mm.
You have nice eyes.
I can see why people open up to you.
- Listen, would it be weird - Jackson? - um, if I -- - Jackson? Jack-- Jackson? - Hi.
- Hi.
Gretchen Roberts.
Gretchen.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
The subway conductor had some unintelligible responses while we were sitting on the track for 20 minutes in the dark.
Some middle eastern kid with, like, a backpack, and the whole system shuts down.
- No, it's okay.
I didn't even - The kid was Indian.
didn't get a chance to order a drink yet.
I'll order you something.
Would you like a drink? I'm starving.
Let's get it at a table.
Yeah.
It has, like, 1,000, maybe 2,000 different kinds of uses alone.
Fascinating.
Bubble wrap.
Oh, totally.
It's, like, 75k a year easy.
I mean, geez, with all the, like, weirdos and creeps and stalkers and jerks, like, I feel really lucky to be out with, like, a nice guy.
Yeah, well, who knows? It's early yet.
But I have a good feeling about this, and I like the idea of being set up.
It's like a third, independent party thinks that we're gonna hit it off.
I want to trust fate, but the idea of just happening into the one.
I mean, what are the odds of meeting your soul mate? - That must be astronomical, right? - Mm-hmm.
My boss went to a psychic, and she told her she was never going to get married.
- Yeah, listen, I -- - I mean, W.
T.
F.
? - If that was me, I would be on a ledge.
- Yeah.
But, you know -- oh, wait.
Hold on.
What am I doing? I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be doing this.
- My sister told me - Right.
- not to talk about babies, politics - Uh-huh.
- or marriage on a first date - You know what? And not to update my status during -- You know what? Excuse me one second.
- Oh, all right.
- I'll be right back.
- Just one second.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, I will -- okay.
No, where it says "signature.
" Okay.
What's your name? Do you want it to you? No, I -- Teddy, what are you doing?! - I'm signing an autograph, Bob.
- Carter? Good morning, Carter.
How was the date? What are you doing here? Don't you have your own apartment? Hmm.
When did cartoons get postmodern? "Ren & Stimpy," I think.
"Ren & --" of course, of course.
The date.
How was the date? Uh, well, get this.
I-I went to the bar a little early, and I met this woman at the bar.
She was beautiful.
Like, really stunning.
Very attractive.
Like Katherine Heigl? Like, pre "Knocked Up" hot? Oh, yeah, easy.
How about Beckinsale post "Underworld" hot? Beckinsale in "Underworld.
" Wow.
That's a blend.
I know.
And I was hoping that she was my date -- praying.
Of course, she wasn't, but I spoke to her for a little while anyway, and she is smart and cool and funny and hot.
It was like talking to a female Jon Stewart.
Jon Stewart? That's am-- that's my dream girl.
I know.
All right.
Follow the plan.
Wait a couple days, give her a call.
I can't.
I didn't get her phone number.
Yeah.
What's her face showed up and was so crazy, I got -- I got distracted.
And by the time I got back to the bar, she was gone.
All right.
What do we know? What do we know? I know her name is Natalie.
I know that she edits cookbooks.
- Yep.
- Um -- Now, slow -- slow way down.
Natalie? - Yes, Natalie.
- Right.
Is it with a "y"? Oh, my god, Carter.
Natalie.
Never mind.
Never mind.
- She edits cookbooks.
- Uh-huh.
She is a part-time event planner.
Ooh.
That's interesting.
Why is that interesting? No, I just may have some events coming up.
All right, so here's what I want you to do.
You call the bartender, give him 50 bucks.
Uh, get the receipts from last night.
No.
No way.
She was on a date.
- She didn't pay.
- Hmm.
Well, even getting the name of her date would be, uh, would be helpful.
And plus, you can approximate the time that they left, and he can, uh, check the time stamp on the charges.
Yeah, you're right.
That's really good.
- That's smart.
- It is good.
Uh, I don't have any classes till this afternoon.
Maybe I'll go over there this morning.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna call publishers who edit cookbooks.
Oh, god.
You know what, Carter? Forget it.
This is ridiculous.
There's hundreds of publishers in New York alone.
All right.
What am I gonna do? I was gonna spend the morning trying to catch a pigeon.
- You were gonna what? - Yeah.
Wait, what? A pigeon.
But listen.
I don't want to -- I don't want to teach you how to fish, man, all right? I don't.
But I want to give you a fish.
That's not how that goes.
Jung -- you said it wrong.
Carl Jung says, "He who looks inside dreams, but he who looks outside is -- is awake.
" You read that off your phone.
I-I -- just the last part.
Thanks, Carter.
Good talk.
It's Wikipe-- it's Wikipedia.
It's all good stuff.
Kee-- Stalk Natalie.
Uh-huh Yeah Ooh One time, one time, one time Ooh Ooh, yeah Ooh Oh, yeah Feels good Ooh Ooh, yeah Cooper! Cooper! Hey, man! Hey, man! I'm here.
- Oh, god.
- You all right? Yeah.
You're very -- - You're very fast.
- I'm just walking.
- No, you're spee-- speed walking.
- Yeah.
You know, speed walking is an Olympic sport now.
W-what are you doing here, pal? I'm gonna be another set of eyes for you, man.
I can find the bar on my own.
I don't need help.
No, we're gonna retrace your steps.
I'm gonna help you look for her.
You sound like I lost a wallet.
Think about it.
How often do you stray from your regular route, you know? I don't have regular routes.
Every new yorker has a regular route.
Take a deep breath.
Catch your breath.
All right, the path that they stay on, right? Yeah, well -- you know, like why go to the Deli three blocks from your place when we got a Deli on our block, you know? 'Cause the Deli on our block sucks.
Well, we can't.
Cabbies go there.
I'm going.
All right, listen.
Hey.
- When someone goes missing, all right - Yeah.
communities come together to find that person, all right? Dogs sniff clothes.
So, in this scenario, you're gonna be -- I'm gonna be your community, all right? I'm gonna be your bloodhound.
I'm gonna be by your side every step of the way.
Carter, I don't want you by my side every step of the way.
Okay, fine.
We'll go solo.
That's totally fine.
- You, you follow the bar route.
- Uh-huh.
And I'm gonna go -- I'm gonna go another lead.
What other lead? Dalia.
Remember? Dalia? - From choral art society.
- Oh, the soprano? Yeah.
Well, she was an alto, I think.
- Mm.
- Very big.
Remember? She was very tall.
Were there two -- she had a deep voice.
Were there two dalias? She did the "jabberwocky" solo, remember? 'Twas brillig And the slithy toves I remember, yeah.
I remember.
- Did gyre and gimble in the wave - I remember.
All mimsy were the borogroves - I remember.
Yes.
- You remember.
Right.
Well, she works in publishing.
I'm gonna ask her if she knows anyone who's written cookbooks.
- Okay.
- Huh? All right.
On your way, on my way, all right? We'll circle the wagons later.
- Uh, she was at the bar.
- Thanks.
She's brunette, brown eyes.
How tall was she? I don't know, average height? 5'6 ", 5'7"? I don't know, man.
It was a busy night.
Lot of normal brunettes with brown eyes.
No, no, man, this was -- this was, like, the brunette with brown eyes.
Where the hell is my barback? Oh, and she was with a guy, too.
Well, that's a problem.
Listen, pal, I-I got to get back to -- - Wait, wait, wait.
- Hey.
Sorry, it's just I really got to find her.
She's -- she's special.
Wow.
Can't believe I said that.
Phew! So -- so, let me get this straight.
You -- you find this special girl at a bar, and you let her get away? Yeah.
What kind of an idiot are you? A total idiot.
A complete idiot, to answer your question.
But there was this other woman.
There's always another woman.
No, it was a blind date, and she was a disaster.
She pulled me away, and by the time I got back, Natalie was gone.
So come on, man.
Help me out.
Man to man, please.
I had a special girl once.
- Yeah? - Oh, dude, she was real special.
I was gonna marry her.
God, she had this laugh, just would light up the sky, you know? Yeah.
Was gonna take her to see my parents in Poughkeepsie.
What happened? One morning, I went to take her breakfast in bed.
Her roommate said she didn't come home that night.
Next day, they found her in a dumpster in Queens.
Listen.
You seem like a decent guy.
But I didn't see her.
Can I get back to my job? Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, man.
That's -- that's terrible.
Hey, you know what? My advice -- Women in bars, they're mirages.
Everybody looks good in the dark.
Best thing to do -- go to a library.
Natural lighting.
Yeah, thanks for the advice.
Good luck.
Never gonna unhear that story.
Are you fucking crazy? My drug dealer can't show up to where I work.
Hey, that's not fair.
You know I'm an herbal service provider.
You sell weed in New York City, Carter, which is illegal, by the way.
Well, I sell good weed.
Except for that Mexican dirt skunk you sold me last month.
Did I apologize for that? I apologize for that, all right? And I gave you a discount on the purple haze.
What do you want? Do you know a girl named Natalie who writes cookbooks? - Is that it? - That's it.
I thought that was the beginning of a story.
- Do you know her? - Oh, you're serious.
Well, yeah.
I'm asking for a friend.
- Natalie what? - Don't know.
Okay, what kind of cookbooks? I don't know.
So, all you've got is -- yes, what I provided you, which was Natalie and cookbook-- cookbooks.
Hi.
Cookbooks? I work in fashion.
Yes, well, food is the new fashion.
I read that in New York Magazine.
You read New York Magazine? Yes.
I read -- I read, and I write.
And I just -- I actually just -- last week, hey, I got a personal, "Dear, sir, please resubmit" from slate.
From on-- from online slate.
Okay, you know, there are hundreds, thousands of cookbooks published each year.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you google "Natalie, cookbooks"? Well, I did not.
Not together.
But yeah, I'm not an idiot.
Dalia, please, will you help a pal, all right? He's heartbroken.
I don't know who or what you're talking about, and I have to get back to work before my boss throws coffee at me.
Hey.
And I need another eighth for the weekend.
"Rocky Horror Picture Show's" playing at the Ziegfeld.
What? Why do people like that movie? It's -- yes, it's kitschy, but it's -- it's not good cinema.
Here, I have -- I don't -- it's not -- it's not -- I have a ninth.
It's not really -- what the hell are you doing?! - What? - I am at work.
I'm not ashamed.
Let me get my wallet.
I got bupkis.
I love it when you talk Yiddish.
Is "bupkis" Yiddish? Isn't it? Didn't we take linguistics together? Yes.
Professor Jenkins.
And that beautiful Haitian T.
A.
Ay-ya-ya.
Remember when she insulted you in creole? That was poetry.
She wasn't insulting me.
She was totally insulting you.
All right.
Anyway, I got nothing at the bar.
Zip, zero, zilch.
- Nunca.
- Rien.
Is that French? Oui.
Ei mitaan.
- Ooh, that's a tough one.
- Yeah.
- What is that, Afrikaans? - No.
Listen closely.
Ei mitaan.
- German.
- No.
- Swedish? - Close.
- Finnish.
- Finnish! For the win, man.
You crossed the finish line.
And yet, still - We got nothing.
- We got nothing.
You going to get your head shrunk? - Yeah, to the size of a pea.
- Mm.
Is that weird for you? What? That you used to be a shrink, and now, you know, you pay someone to shrink you? Well, I got my head shrunk when I was a shrink 'cause that's how you keep your license.
Mm.
Talk about Natalie in there? I'm not gonna discuss my session with you, Carter.
Totally respect that.
Okay.
- Talk about me? - Goodbye, Carter.
You can if you want to.
I don't mind.
I'll see you, buddy.
All right.
I'm walking.
Walking down 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wave All mimsy were the borogroves M-m-mome, the mome raths outgrabe So, how you been, Coop? And don't give me the usual bullshit.
I've been really good.
Really well.
And by that, I mean exactly the same.
Bullshit.
Ira.
I-I can see it on your face.
There's some shit going on.
Okay, there is some shit going on.
So, last time we talked, you said you started seeing someone.
I did.
Her name was Clancy.
And she was an organic roof farmer.
She was lovely in every way, but she started leaving stuff in my apartment, and it really freaked me out, so she's gone.
You're starting to turn into a cliché, Coop.
Ira, you don't think I know that? Come on.
Jackson Cooper -- only child, classic abnormal difficulty handling loss for obvious and deep-seeded reasons.
Attachment issues, detachment issues, also for obvious and deep-seeded reasons.
I get it.
Don't try to impress me with the clinical jargon bullshit.
You're not a therapist anymore.
So, what's going on? I met a woman.
Tell me.
If I had a fantasy version of a woman, this would be her.
She is beautiful and smart and interesting and funny.
She made me laugh.
So, what's the problem got you pissing in your Wheaties? I lost her before I could get her phone number.
But you liked her.
More than just want to bang her, you liked her? Yes.
Yes.
I liked her.
I mean, we only spoke for five minutes, but it was really powerful.
Mm.
That word -- "powerful.
" You know you used it when you banged Lisa.
I remember thinking, "Something doesn't smell right.
" Lisa and I were engaged, so that was powerful, right? Powerful relationships don't end with the fiancée screwing your former client.
Oh, god, I hate these sessions.
Because you need them? No, this is different, Ira.
I I can't explain it.
It's like she woke something up in me.
- So find her.
- I tried.
Trying's for losers.
All right.
Yeah, trying is bullshit.
Now you're speaking my language.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's going on with you? You look like hell.
Well, I've been woman hunting.
For the meat or just for sport? It's stupid.
I have no doubt.
It's nothing.
I mean, it's really -- Doc.
I met this woman last night, Soph.
She's fantastic, and I didn't get her last name or her phone number.
Wait a minute.
What is happening here? Is Dr.
Cooper smitten? I don't know about smitten, but I might want to explore my irrational fear of commitment and sleep with her and then break up with her.
Aww.
You're such a romantic.
- Yeah.
- Listen to me, doc.
- What? - Don't worry about this.
In my experience, these things have a way of working themselves out.
You'll probably bump into her on the subway.
Yeah.
Hope so.
All right, give me 10 minutes? I cannot do that.
- Okay, five minutes? - No.
Great.
Good talk.
- Hello.
Can I help you? - Hi.
Yeah.
I'm looking for professor, um -- Oh, I forgot his name.
And you are? Natalie.
Oh, yeah, Natalie.
I see you right here.
- Why don't you have a seat? - Okay.
W-wait.
Do -- do I know you? You look so familiar.
Oh, no.
I get that all the time.
I've got one of those familiar faces, you know? I have one of those faces where people say, "Are you all right?" Oh, that's not true.
It is.
It's okay.
Keeps the annoying people at bay.
Soph.
Yeah, doc? Go ahead and send her in.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Audrey? Dr.
Cooper will see you now.
Hey, Natalie? Dr.
Harty could be a while.
Would you want to reschedule? Oh, no.
I don't mind waiting.
Okay.
Soph.
What's her name? Audrey.
No, not you Natalie.
Ooh, ooh, yeah Girl, let me get a napkin I could change your life We could watch the stars if you give one night up Under moonlight or in the Cali sunshine We don't need nobody else to have a good time We can make plans, I know I won't break 'em Life is all about chances, girl, take 'em Welcome to Jamaica, come on It's the place for you and me You the one to make a "g" bring sand to the beach Don't you know that we can make it be like that? Uh-huh Don't you know I love you? Baby, that's a fact And all I really want to do Is be with you and fly away Come rock with me Over the hills and across the deep, blue sea Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh All I really want to do Is be with you and fly away Where we going? So come on, baby, and take a trip with me - Yeah - Fly with me We can have fun, it's just for a day Let me show you the way, or you can pick the place When I touch down, love the smile on your face So you know it's gonna be hard when I go away But for now, we in the moment Feeling all open like waves in the ocean, floatin' I'm engulfed by the fire we make Girl, you're hotter than a high-speed chase Ooh, yeah Don't you know that we can make it be like that? Don't you know I love you? Baby, that's a fact And all I really want to do Is be with you and fly away Over the hills and across the deep, blue sea Ooh, yeah All I really want to do Is be with you and fly away So come on, baby, and take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah Take a trip, take a trip with me Yeah I know, I know, I know I said I won't, but I would Fly around the world for you, baby, I could It's good like a Sunday dinner with my family It takes a real sweet woman just to handle me You're perfect, but we can make perfection We could take a trip where the phones lose connection Uh-huh, and the trees get blown Roll with a "G", you'll never want to go home Don't you know that we can make it be like that? Like that, like that Don't you know I love you? Baby, that's a fact And all I really want to do