Am I Being Unreasonable? (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Oi! Mmm? Nick, look.
Come here.
What?
I made you something.
I wrote "merry Xmas" in the snow.
How did you do the X?
Well, thank you for asking.
I did a line Mm-hm.
And I stopped mid-flow
and I readjusted
and I finished the other line.
That's really great. Yeah? OK.
Where's this train?
Oh, my God, there's a pound there.
I'm going to get you that pound.
Do you want a pound? Oh, my God.
Don't! What are you doing?
I'm getting you a pound! Don't!
Please! You'll get run
For Christmas! You'll get run over!
Oh, my God.
Oh, you're going to hurt yourself
as well, you fucking
Oh, God. Oh, bloody bhaji breath.
Train's here. Do you think?
Come back to mine
and we can have a bath together.
What? That's so weird.
What?
I fucking love you.
I love you.
Your coat's stuck in!
You need to get help!
Can you pull it from your side?
Oh, God.
I just
Can you open the?
Door's not opening.
Push it.
Open the doors! Pull your coat!
I'm trying! I
Stop the fucking train!
Stop the train!
She is vile. A pig.
A pig, a big toxic pig.
She's just a narcissist.
Narcissist! Exactly that.
You know what I don't get
is lip fillers.
Because you know
when someone's had it done,
it's that sort of duck bottom.
You haven't seen Mr Meowgi?
He hasn't touched his biscuit.
No. No.
Well, it's time to go.
One minute.
Mum! School! Gotta go to school.
Two minutes.
Just let me watch the end of this.
You know what?
Oh, my God.
That's so unfair.
Meow!
Come on, we're going to be late
again!
Just looking for my glasses.
They're on your head, you doughnut!
Ugh.
Yeah. Don't say the word doughnut,
you sound like a Love Island
contestant.
Wait. No. Wait!
No. We're late.
Oh, God.
Bloody Lucy.
Bet you she doesn't offer us a lift.
Don't, Mum. All right?
Don't! Yeah. We're late again.
Oh, no. Yeah.
We'll walk! All right, good luck!
Bye!
I can't believe she didn't offer
us a lift.
You don't like her anyway. I know
I don't like her anyway, but
you know, I'd like a lift.
Do you think it's because
I haven't signed up
to help with the hedgehog hunt?
I'm not going to make
a potato salad for that. Mum?
Cow bag. Mum!
Please let it go.
I can't. I can't let it go.
Oh, come on, Mum. I'm too cross.
Really, really, really rude.
All right.
I had a dream last night.
She did offer us a lift,
and I was so shocked,
and then I was trying to
open the car door to get in,
and my fingers just turned into
sort of like limp sausages.
And that is the curse. Deep
in my psyche,
I know she wouldn't offer us a lift.
Good luck! Bye!
Come on, Mum.
You all right? Hey there.
How was your drive?
Oh, lovely, thank you.
Oh, lovely. Good for you.
Don't.
I know! I know, she's a pain.
Oh, are you having a problem
with the gate?
It's Harry's first day, and I think
I've deleted the email. 2-4-7-8.
Sorry, what? 2-4-7-8.
Pikachu!
Oh, my God. Amazing.
Thank you. No problem.
Ollie, please can you
hand these out to everybody? Yes.
Otherwise it's just going to be
Dennon that arrives,
and the girl with the nits. Um
If they ask you why you were late,
what are you going to say?
My legs hurts. Yes! Your legs hurt.
Brilliant.
And what else was I going to say?
Oh, yes, I love you.
I love you. Whatever!
"I love you, too, Mum."
"Do you really?"
"Yes, I really, really, really do."
I just think you should know
that he was seen last week
at the Argyle
with a really hot girl.
Like, really hot.
What are you saying?
Oh, fuck
Oh, babe, I was just popping out.
Oh, my God. Are you all right? No.
What's wrong? Nick, I can't.
Nick, I can't. Viv, what's happened?
Viv, what's happened? Can I have
a glass of water? Yeah. Oh, my God.
Look at that.
Tell me what's happened.
Oh! Oh, God. Viv, you're scaring me.
It was horrible.
Viv!
Viv.
Oh, God.
Viv, what happened?
I'm going to tell you!
I hit a pheasant.
And then what happened?
And its beak was like
It was one of the worst experiences
of my life.
Gosh. And I thought,
"Oh, it'll get out the road.
"It'll get out the road now.
Surely it'll get out the road."
And then I thought,
"Oh, it's out the road."
But then it wasn't.
No, no, it was out the road.
Oh, it was out the road. It was.
But then it went back in the road.
Right.
Well, I mean, God has a plan
for all of us.
Yeah, no, but, Nick, we've got to
just I've just got to
Just please Sorry, sorry. Yeah.
Just We've got to do
a little prayer. Oh, God. I can't
I can't do I've never done any
Just relax.
You've got a big, big spirit.
I know you have.
Just anything that comes in your
Pheasant, pheasant, er,
your death was unpleasant.
Unpleasant.
Er, so sad you didn't know
Didn't
the Highway Code.
Maybe that would have
helped you cross the road.
Yeah. But hopefully you can
cross over to heaven.
I mean
Yeah.
I-I feel
I feel like He's gone.
Yeah, gone.
Wow, thank you. Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
But I'm running really late Oh.
To see a friend.
Oh, OK. Who?
Tony. Oh.
Oh, all right.
It's just I just
So you're just g What
So what shall I do?
I mean, the kitchen,
if that's all right. Oh, OK.
Start off in there. OK.
And the sink could do with
a bit of a bleach.
Right. OK. Thank you, Viv.
SHOUTING FROM VIDEO
SHE GASPS
Stop waving that around in my face
like that.
Oh, my God, throw your wine at him.
Throw your wine at him,
throw your wine at him.
Yes!
Take that!
I will sue you
Oh, f Oh, no!
That was the best bit.
Oh bollocks.
Where the fuck's the cat gone?
Can't have gone out the gate,
can he?
Did he eat his biscuits on Saturday?
He definitely came in
for biscuits on Friday.
Oh, Christ knows.
Oh, she's still here.
Fuck.
Stop the train!
Sorry.
Hello?
Sorry I'm late, I took the lads
to the pub for lunch.
You all right, Dad? Hey!
I feel the need -
the need for speed.
You all right, mate? Yeah, I'm good.
You OK? Yeah.
What's that? What? That?
Oh, er, Stuart spit wine on me
over lunch. Idiot.
Just so annoying.
Any news on Mr Meowgi? Oh, God.
I put a post on Facebook, right,
and the only person
that commented on it
was a random woman
called Jackie Trinder.
You'll never guess what she said.
What?
Just wrote "lol". That's helpful.
You know, I've lost my cat,
I've got a distraught son,
I've got this 50-year-old woman
trolling me.
It's extraordinary.
I have a horrible feeling he's got
trapped in some fence somewhere
because he's such a fat fuck.
Have you tried just standing
outside the back door
with an electric can-opener?
No, thank you.
God, Lucy was really off
with me today.
I thought you didn't like Lucy.
I don't like Lucy
but I want her to like me.
Why? Possibly because I'm insecure
and I've got no mates.
I wasn't a dick
at Helen and Rob's, was I?
I didn't get too pissed.
No, you were funny.
I thought I was funny.
I was funny.
I was really, really funny.
I'm not watching this shit.
5ml lining paper,
which will eradicate
any sort of imperfections.
My husband's going to be back
any minute.
Oh! He'll know that you're not just
here to sort out the plumbing!
I can hear his key in the door.
Oh, I can hear him
coming up the stairs.
Oh, God. He's on the landing.
I can hear him on the landing.
Ah!
Agh! Cramp. Oh, God, sorry.
Oh, shit. Sorry.
Are you all right?
Just stretch it.
Stretch my foot out. Yeah, yeah.
Pull the toes back. OK. Yeah, yeah.
Agh! I thought you were coming.
No, I wasn't coming. No?
Oh! You're not doing it properly.
Sorry.
Agh! Fucking hell.
Do you want me to?
No, you're all right.
Agh.
Hello.
Hello
No
We sort of lucked out at this stall
because nobody comes here.
Everyone just bombs the hook-a-duck
stall. Thank God for that!
It's Jen, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, should have said. You're Nick?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ollie's mum?
Yes. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Thank you for that invite,
by the way.
Harry was really pleased.
No, it's just the teacher
always makes us hands one out
to every child in the class,
so actually thank Mrs Morgan,
not me.
OK.
So who have you met so far?
Oh, who have I met?
Just Lucy, really.
Yeah, she's really nice, isn't she?
Yeah. She's really nice.
Really, really nice.
Just general salt of the earth,
nice lady.
I actually thought she was a bit
of a cunt, to be honest with you.
Yes, she is. Yeah. You agree?
Yes, I do. OK, good.
Because it's not fair.
Some of them must be
Some of them must be nice.
Well, I've been here five years.
I've not made one single friend
with a mum.
As they say, these things take time
but you've had five years!
Although I did see tombola, Helen.
Got invited to Helen and Rob's
the other day. Right.
I just got really smashed, just
to be able to deal with it. Yeah.
She made everybody sit down
at the dinner table
and she did a quiz.
Do you know
what one of the questions was? What?
What's the Latin for cat?
What's the Latin for cat?
"Cattus."
"Cattus."
Then she asked us,
what is the Latin for rat?
What is it? "Rattus."
"Rattus."
And then she asked us,
what's the Latin for bat?
Is it "Battus"?
No, it's vespertilio. Oh.
Oh, wow. You're great.
I try.
Mum, can you please explain
the rules
of Splat The Rat to Dennon?
Is it a real rat? Because I don't
want to hurt any animals.
No. Why not?
Because it's just not.
What do I get if I splat it?
A Maoam.
Can I just give you 20p and have
the Maoam without splatting it?
No, you can't. You can't do that
because that's cheating.
All right. I'm going to leave you
with my mum. What? Yeah.
Ollie, where are you going?
Don't leave us with him!
Carl Collins says I've got eyes
like a shark.
If I give you a load of Maoams, will
you bugger off and never come back?
Mm. Yeah.
Er, yeah.
Done. Good deal is done.
There we go.
Knock yourself out. Bye.
Right, now that I know
you're not going to judge me
Yeah.
Do you want some gin?
Oh, yes. I could kiss you.
Don't do that.
It'd make it weird.
Oh, well done!
Have you met Mr Graham yet? Who?
Mr Graham, PE teacher.
Christ, he's the PE teacher?
Yeah. He's a bit of me.
Yeah, he's a bit of me as well.
I'm going to call him over.
Mr Graham! Don't.
Oh, hello. Ah!
Sorry.
How are you? How are you doing?
All right. Oh, my gosh. Yes.
Sorry, I'm a little bit wet.
Yeah. Aren't we all?!
Sorry. I don't know if we've met.
No, we haven't met. I'm Jen.
Oh, lovely to meet you, Jen.
Nice to meet you, Mr Graham.
Yes, indeed. Yeah.
Are you going to have a go?
Yeah, I'd love to have a go.
What is this? Splat The Rat? Go on.
Nick, why don't you show Mr Graham
how to, er
Yeah, I will. Go on.
Lots of skill on this.
So just swing.
Yeah. OK. Lovely.
God, you smell amazing.
Is that Jean Paul Gaultier?
It is - you've got a good nose.
What are we you doing? What are we
you doing? What are we you doing?
Splat The Rat!
You all right, Lucy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does the float need topping up?
No. Don't think so.
No? No. OK.
Well, I just spoke to Dennon's mum.
Did you give him sweets?
E-numbers?
I'm just saying he cannot have them
because they send him
completely bonkers.
Oh, gosh! See what I mean.
It's pretty serious.
That wasn't us. We didn't do that.
Definitely not.
Oh, no! I knew it wouldn't be you.
So then why did you ask us if we?
Oh, by the way,
I've spoken to Miss Moss
and the school are very happy
for 20% of the proceeds
from today to go to Ollie.
Why?
For what?
I thought he might need
Need what?
You know.
Equipment.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Um OK. Well, if you need me,
you know where I am, right?
I should probably
You're going to go to hell.
Hello!
We won some fish.
We won some fish.
We won a fish.
Hey, hey, I'll tell you what.
Why don't we You go upstairs
and I'll be up in a second, mate?
Yeah. OK. Yeah.
We won a fish.
We won a fish.
Hey.
It's OK.
Oh, my gosh.
Where did you find him?
Oh, that's amazing.
Probably the best thing is if I
Oh, God! Sorry.
Can I call you back in two seconds?
Oh. Hello. Oh, my God!
Did you just walk into
the wheelie bin? Yes, I did.
You just walked
into the wheelie bin. Oh, God.
Quite embarrassing.
Everyone's really nosy around here.
They'll definitely
have watched you do that.
Love these hanging baskets.
Thanks. Yeah.
Mine never.. They always die.
Oh, it's just manure.
Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.
You lost your cat?
No, I did lose my cat.
Found him now. Oh, great.
I mean, it would be great,
but I've printed off 50 of these.
50? Yeah. Didn't need
that many, did you? No.
Well, we should celebrate. Yes.
What are you doing tonight? Nothing.
Shall I come over? Bring Harry?
Love that. Bring some wine?
Yes. You know, there's vibes.
Let's do it. Great. Love it. Yeah.
Great. Yeah, you've found your cat.
This is turning out to be
a bloody good day.
Oh, hi.
"Hey, honey, I'm home."
Oh!
Look, he's home!
I could tell straight away.
Sorry. It's not
It's not Mr Meowgi.
Thought he looked exactly like him.
Yeah. I mean, Mr Meowgi's a tabby
and this one's ginger.
It's my fault.
I should have put
a colour photograph.
Just put a black-and-white one.
But, yeah, I can see
But the markings are the same.
Similar, yeah.
Did you have to come far?
Yeah. You did?
I walked two miles.
Two miles. Gosh. With a cat.
So what shall I do with it?
I don't know.
Can I leave him here with you?
I don't want it, do I?
Oh. I'm just going to
Agh! Agh!
You evil little!
Agh!
I'll call the police.
What? Why have you locked the door?
It's you. I didn't realise. Sorry.
Sorry. Oh, God. Don't ask.
Who's that?
Who? Some woman chucked a cat
into Malcolm's garden
and just ran off.
Oh, I've got a school mum
and her son coming over tonight.
What? Why? You never invite people
over. You feel all right?
Actually, she invited herself,
but, I mean Wow.
I sort of quite like that.
Must be love. Yeah, I suppose.
Oh, well, let me squeeze your tits
and I'll take the kids out for you.
So, literally, he sent me this
last Tuesday, then nothing since.
Like, how shitty is that? Shit.
He hasn't got time to WhatsApp me
but he's got time to like
Demi Rose's fake arse on Instagram.
He's such a bitch.
Like, if he keeps messing me around,
I'm going to start shagging
that married bloke
and see how he likes that.
What, Mr Superdry?
He doesn't only wear Superdry.
That's what you said. It's all right
when I say it, Lauren, but not you.
Anything else? Er, yeah.
Do you think you could possibly
put this up in your window?
Dan, they're here! Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Well, they are.
Hello, come in. Hello, Harry.
Hi, Ollie. Hi. Jen, this is Dan,
Dan, this is Jen.
Hi, I'm Jen. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Dan. Right. Well, have a great time
bowling. Where am I going? Bowling?
Yeah. Well, hang on.
It's getting on a bit, innit?
Shall we just whack a film on?
We've organised this.
By the time I get there
Bowling. Bowling.
Bowling. Bowling.
And it's a strike!
See you later. See you later.
Come on.
I've got to be really good tonight
because it's Ollie's birthday
tomorrow. No, no, don't worry.
I have to say that out loud,
so it sounds like a good mum,
but, yeah, let's get fucked.
Spill. One, two, three.
Whoopa! Whoopa!
Is that sambuca?
One, two, three
I'm fine.
Yeah, can I get one deep pan, um
Um deep pan.
Yeah, I don't want tomatoes.
No tomatoes. No tomatoes.
Can I have that times not twice
but thrice?
It makes you look like..
Don't take this the wrong way. What?
I don't mean it to be rude.
What? That collar
Yeah. Is a little bit
dear Lord.
What a sad little life, Jane.
I really, really liked him,
and then he sent me this voice note.
Yeah.
And on the voice note,
he said, "Goodnight."
Yeah. And then he said,
"Sweet dreams, baby girl." SHE RETCHES
I just felt like the disgust
sort of travel up through my vagina.
Holy Moley.
And I just ghosted him after that.
I just totally
Oh, hi.
Hi. Hey.
Oh, dear.
Good time?
Yeah, it was fun, wasn't it?
Could you make up the bunk
in Ollie's room
because we've got Jen and Harry
staying tonight.
Oh, yes. Jen's going to sleep on the
sofa.
Shoes off. Shoes off.
Dan! Dan! Dan!
Dan! Dan! Dan!
It worked. It worked. It worked.
He's here.
We're playing Silly Heads. Yeah.
No, it's not. It's Sticky Heads.
Whose idea was it to play this?
It was my idea. Oh, really.
We've got a really good one for you.
Have you played this game before?
Yes. You have played it.
Of course I've played it before.
You know the rules?
So you know how to play it.
Who wants to go first?
You go first. You go first.
Yeah, Dom can go first. Dan!
Sorry.
What did I say? Dom!
Dom! Am I a bloke?
Am I a man?
Yes. Yes. OK.
Am I a movie star?
Am I in the movies? No. No.
Survey says
Our survey says Uh-uh!
Sorry. Yeah. Right.
So am I Tom Jones?
Am I Tom Jones? You're not
Tom Jones, no. I'm not!
Where would you even get that from?
I don't know.
Not a million miles away, though.
Can I have a go?
Am I a man?
Ahh! Well, sort of, but
I don't know.
Not strictly. Not in the
You're, like, a male.
You're male, yeah. You are male.
Where are you going?
But you're not a male man.
She's so great.
That really scared me, actually.
Am I alive or am I dead?
Am I dead? Am I dead? Yeah.
Dead as a dildo.
Dodo!
Dead meat, yeah.
So probably like a royal, something
like that. Yes. Yeah, you were.
That's easy. Henry VIII.
Am I Henry VIII?
Oh, my God, are you joking?
You cheated.
I did not cheat.
No, I did not cheat.
I think you're a cheat.
You know what?
I'm going to hit the hay.
Do you know what? Probably
Babe, I wouldn't get too crazy,
it's Ollie's birthday tomorrow.
Oh, don't go. Donnie Downer.
You'll be struggling tomorrow.
No, no, no. Goodnight.
Goodnight. Bye, Dom.
Dan!
OK. Come on, girl. Crack that open.
That's just That's not fair.
Yeah, I know. They're always like
that, blokes, aren't they?
Do you know what I really miss?
What?
The one thing that I'm lacking
in my life is, like,
real, intense kind of passion.
And, you know, like,
when you're a teenager,
and you're feeling
It's like, as if your nerves
are exposed on your skin.
I've never had that with anyone.
Then you've missed out.
How have you not had that?
You have? Yes, I have.
I've had that level of
What, with connection.
Not with him. Not with him.
No, with a guy
It was a guy called Alex.
And the thing was, right, about him,
he wasn't, like,
kind of textbook handsome.
Like, he was a bit hairy.
No, but funny. Really, really funny.
He's one of those people
that gets the absolute minutiae.
It was like he was my twin flame.
Well, what happened?
Did you break up, or?
No, we were
I mean, it was an affair
Oh, God. That was going on,
I mean, for, like,
years and years and years.
While you were with Dan? Yeah.
Oh, mate. I know.
I'm never going to have that again.
What happened? Did you end it?
You don't still see him, do you?
No, I actually
He, um
You all right? Yeah.
I'm sorry. I just don't know
Nick, are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, my God! Take your coat off!
Help him.
Oh, my God! The coat!
Pull the chord! Pull the chord!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, look. My feet can't touch
the ground. I'm literally dangling.
I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
There's no-one even here!
I nearly sh
Nick, you all right?