Amandaland (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
some strong language
Oh, thank God we made it on time!
Guys, guys, guys?
Team talk.
We're going to be late.
Yes, I know. I just want to say
..I know it's not ideal
moving schools mid-term,
and I know you miss Chiswick,
but it will be OK, OK?
Look, when I changed school
when I was 13,
I didn't know a single person.
Within half a term I was voted
the most popular girl ever.
How is that even possible?
Mummy's talking.
My point is I'm a people person.
And historically, our people
are people people.
Literally any of those kids
out there could be your new BFF.
OK, so you get out there,
and you find your people.
OK?
Hi, I'm Georgie. You all right?
No!
No. Not those people.
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
You can't park here. I'm sorry?
No parking. Thank you. Thanks.
Thank you.
Hey, get back here, you. Mum!
Get off!
Look at the state of you,
you monkey!
Have a lovely day, Darius. Anne!
I love you!
Oh, my God! I literally hate you.
Shut the front door.
Anne, look at you!
You off to a funeral?
No, I've got a work meeting at 9.30.
Yeah, course you have! Get in.
I'll drop you off.
OK
So your Georgie and my Darius
back in the same class again. Mmm.
Must be the end of days,
you leaving Chiswick.
Oh, I'm done with W4.
I'm all about So-Ha.
Oh. What's So-Ha?
Oh, it's, erm
It's what the property experts
call South Harlesden.
Oh, so, like, that area
around Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
Yeah, but it's called So-Ha.
There's So-Ha, No-Ha, Ea-Ha, We-Ha.
Aha.
SHE LAUGHS
I'm actually glad I took the kids
out of private school.
They've got way more chance
of getting into Oxbridge
from a bog-standard state.
Haycroft is fantastic. Yeah.
They've got a great STEM hub. OK.
And a rock choir.
And the torture scene
from A Clockwork Orange
was filmed in the playground.
Yeah, I'm more of
a book person, Anne.
Well, it's actually based
on a book
Gosh, it's so great to reconnect.
Yes! After all these years!
So great, yeah!
Cos we were worried about you
there for a while,
what with your divorce,
and your shop - sorry, store -
closing, and your falling out
with your mammy. All right, Anne.
Don't you worry about lil' ol' me.
It's all good.
So what is the skinny
with the school, please?
Are there any movers and shakers?
Any fun mums?
Well, I'm here!
Yeah?
Erm, ah, I think someone's dad
is a coroner, and, erm
Oh, Morten's mammy Della,
she runs that restaurant Shin,
and I think Tariq's dad
Wait, babe, back up. Shin?
Yeah, you know that place
beside the megachurch
that used to be a Debenhams?
Yeah. I know Shin, Anne. Oh, yeah.
Their ossobuco is off the charts.
Wow!
Key change. Are you and Della Fry
bum chums?
Oh, God, no. No, no.
I sometimes see her at football
but she mostly keeps herself
to herself.
What Wait, wait. What football?
All our kids play
for Hounslow Eagles.
Right. Hounslow Eagles.
..Eagles. Yeah.
I'm afraid, Anne, I'm going to have
to drop you here.
Oh, yeah, we're just
nowhere near the station
I'm sorry. I've barely got enough
charge to get myself home.
Oh, yeah. OK.
'Tis the price I pay
for going green. Yeah!
Oh, would you pop that in
the bin on your way?
Yeah, of course.
Siri, nearest Sports Direct.
DOORBELL RINGS
Mal. Yep, me again.
Guess what I'm going to ask.
As you know, I need to park there
to charge my car.
I'm sorry if my saving the planet
annoys you.
It does annoy me. You block me in.
Can you move your car, please?
There's a charging point
literally down the road.
Please don't mansplain.
That is not mansplaining.
Oh, so now you're mansplaining
mansplaining?
I'm going to be late for football.
Hashtag Me Too!
That is not what
Hashtag Me Too mea
HE SIGHS Forget about it.
Georgie, Manus, we need to leave
in five minutes!
What? The wi-fi's gone off!
DOORBELL RINGS
Mum! No!
Turn it back on!
Oh! Darling, let me in
before I get mugged.
What can I do for you, Mummy?
We're going out.
I love how you've made
your little house look so swishy.
I thought I'd bring you a little
tuck parcel from Waitrose,
now that you've only got
a Tesco Metro.
Little splash of wine, and some
Earl Grey chocs for the children,
and goji berries for you.
Oh, well, that actually will be
really nice in my bircher muesli.
You're still doing breakfast?
While I'm here, would you do up
my brassiere?
Why can't Joy do it?
That's what you pay her for.
Manus, Georgie, we're going!
I'm not talking to Joy.
Why you insisted I needed a PA,
it's
Mummy, Joy is your carer.
Oh, ridiculous!
I'm perfectly capable.
Now just do up my bra
and I'll be on my way.
Come on!
No, looser, looser.
OK.
Oh, look at you two, sporty bobs!
Kiss-kiss for Gan Gan.
Oh. I don't spend enough time
with my little bears.
Well, Mummy, you could come
with us to football.
God, no! Erm, do you mind
if I use your loo?
I can let myself out.
But you're going to have to help me
out of my Spanx.
Shoot!
Brilliant. Goal of the season, that.
Shut up! Yep.
Oh, hiya, Mal! You're very brave
out here reffing this lot
in your shorts.
Well, no-one else wants to do it.
Plus I love being called a paedo
for an hour and a half.
Yeah. Hey, Dad.
Hey!
You all right? How you doing, fella?
Ooh. Someone's discovered
aftershave!
Oh, get off, man!
LAUGHTER
Well, there he is!
The big man in the short shorts!
I'd wear shorts like that nonstop
if I had legs like yours.
How's the babby, JJ?
Did Abs get that prolapse sorted?
Yeah, no, she's doing great.
Thank you for asking.
Don't be tempted
to go for the vaginal mesh, cos
jeez, it's a job getting that stuff
out of there
once it's fused with your lining.
Y-yes, I will definitely
pass that on.
So
HE CLEARS THROA
..here's Ned's bag.
Abs told me to tell you
his toothbrush needs charging.
Cool.
You heading off?
Ye No, I thought
I'd hang around,
watch a bit of the old footy.
Didn't know you were
a fan of football.
Yeah, course! I love it, mate.
Can't get enough of it.
In fact, if you need someone to be
erm, one of the, ah, flag bearers
They're desperate for someone
to coach the Under-15s girls.
No, I I don't think that
I'll put your name down. Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
She made it.
Guys, you are going to love Amanda.
We're old mum chums
from junior school.
Hi! Hello.
Hi.
Do you guys know each other?
Yeah, we're neighbours.
I live above him.
He's very much beneath me.
Hi, I'm JJ, Ned's step-dad.
Oh, sweet!
Is there a viewing deck or, like,
somewhere inside to watch from?
Yes. There's a Bollinger Marquee
just behind the men's bogs.
That's very funny.
He's joking. I know.
There was a gazebo but it
got blown away in Storm Gerald.
Are you cold, Amanda?
Would you like my dry robe?
I don't think so, Anne.
Actually, give me the dry robe.
Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
Listen, erm, me and some mum chums
are going to sink some fizz later
if you fancy meeting the Anne gang?
You're more than welcome
to join us too, Mal.
Oh, I can't tonight, Anne.
I've got Ned this weekend.
I've got the Technics out -
I'm going to give him
a crash course in
some old school UK garage.
Well, that sounds horrific.
I'll definitely need to be
out of the house.
It's a yes from me, Anne.
Oi, paedo!
Are we playing or what?
MAL SIGHS
Oh. Phew!
She's talking to you.
JJ LAUGHS
Right, wish me luck.
All right, come on, girls.
Let's get started. Oh, my God.
There she is.
Della Fry. Wow.
Did you read her piece
in the Evening Standard?
They're opening another Shin
in Kilburn.
Double Shin. Right. Yeah.
Oh, that's her wife, Fi.
Oh, wife.
So they're
Oh, they're lesbians.
Oh, right, yes! Yeah, yeah.
All right, Anne, yes!
I got it, yeah!
It's the 21st century.
There's no need to be
so weird about it. OK.
How do I look?
Oh, like a butterfly
from a chrysalis.
Oh, my God, where is she going?
Ugh! I left you in charge
for one day, Diego.
It's just an escalope -
you're not splitting
the bloody atom.
Oi! Yeah
Get off the pitch!
Mm-hm, yep.
Argh!
Oh!
Ah Hold on.
It's OK, I'm fine.
I'm OK!
Here.
I'm fine!
Oh, look, honestly, I'm fine.
I'm fine. Thank you.
Oh
Hi.
Hi. Your coat's fucked.
Are you all right, babe?
She's fine.
Oh, don't worry. It's, erm
It's last season.
I'm OK, everyone!
Mum, can we please go?
I'm literally freezing.
Sure thing, baby.
OK, Della, we're going!
We're going home. Erm
Morten, where are you going?
You're supposed to be the goalie!
She's freezing!
Oh, my God. Are you OK?
Yeah. Thank God
Della was here to rescue me.
Oh. Oh!
God! Can everyone please stop
kicking balls at my head?
Argh! Argh!
God. Mummy!
What the hell?!
Well, you were out,
so I made a spot of lunch
and I thought I'd have
a little siesta.
Please go home.
Joy will be waiting for you.
Also, I need to get changed.
What for?
I'm having
Erm, actually, you're right.
It doesn't matter.
It's only drinks with Anne.
Well, I can look after
the kiddy-winks for you.
No, it's fine. I'll be in and out.
It's just a drive-by dazzle,
give Anne a boost.
Can you please get out of my bed?
Well, at least let me
finish my wine.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, Bloody Joy.
First name, Kill.
She's a sociopath.
I've read about this.
She's gaslighting me.
Mummy, please go home.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hey, what? Oh!
DOOR OPENS
What now?
You've blocked me in again.
Well, I thought you were staying in
and playing your awful garage.
No, Ned's been invited to
a party at Morten's
so I'm Uber-dad for the night.
Morten as in Della Fry's daughter?
There's a party at her house?
Yeah. Our whole class is going.
Oh, hello!
Back inside, Mummy.
You're baby-sitting Manus.
Er?
DOOR CLOSES
HE SIGHS
Yeah.
These could be our people Georgie,
all right? So just be cool.
PHONE RINGS
SHE SIGHS
Hi!
Hi. So you found us OK then, yeah?
Yeah. It was fine, thanks, Morten.
I love that top, BT Dubs.
Aw. "BT Dubs." That's cute.
Is your mum in?
Your Well, your mums.
Just cos I brought some flowers.
Yeah. Mums!
Fi! Oh, the other
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!
Hey! Hi!
Hi. Come in. You come in, Georgie.
Hey, you must be Fi. I'm Amanda.
I just wanted to give you these.
Well, Della. I don't know
if she's
Erm, something for saving my life.
Aw, aren't you a sweetheart?
Do you want to come in?
Yes. Erm, I Yeah, I'm sure
I have time.
I might just actually get
rid of these Oh.
..first, though, cos Della
fucking hates lilies.
Oh! 'Scuse the box.
That is my ceramic kiln.
Oh, do you potter?
Yeah, well that's the plan,
though I do need to get
a non-flammable floor.
That'll teach me not to go
on Amazon pissed.
AMANDA LAUGHS Come on in.
Hey, hi! Oh, look at you,
sauteing away.
It's like watching The Bear.
Dels, babe, this is Manda, one of
the mums from Morten's class.
She brought you these.
A-manda.
Yeah, there were some flowers
in the flowers,
just to say thank you for being
my hero at football!
Oh, yeah, you're the one
who went arse over tit.
I know!
Yeah.
Classic!
Can I just say, I am such
a big fan of your work.
You must get that a lot.
Yeah. I'm actually, like,
a mega foodie myself.
I used to work front-of-house
at Quo Vadis, in my 20s,
So, ah, I know my parfait
from my brulee.
Yeah, well, they're very
different foods.
Yes. Well, I Yeah, I know.
I know.
Do you fancy a drink, Mands?
I'm just making a pisco sour.
Ooh, hells, yeah!
I'm absolutely loving your 'crib',
by the way.
Aw, thank you. Yah, it's so bohemian
but also, like, utilitarian.
WHISPERING: What are you doing
asking her for a drink?
I'm already cooking for
15 teenagers on my one night off.
I don't have the bandwidth
for small talk.
Oh, come on, babe.
She's new, and I just think
she's a bit lonely.
Georgie settled in OK at Haycroft?
Yeah. It's a great school.
We love it.
It has a lot of problems.
Totally. But I mean we love it
for its problems.
Apparently - if you're a film buff
you'll like this - they shot
one of the scenes from A Chocolate
Orange in the playground.
Yeah. Kind of cool.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh. Morten!
Oh, goodness. Doorbell!
God's sake. Morten?!
Morten!
Is that chimchiminee?
Chimichurri. Chimichurri.
Amanda introduced me, actually,
to oats milk and face primer
and doing tricep dips
using a kitchen chair.
Yeah! She must've got lost.
I'll just resend the What3words.
What harm?
So, ah
Mattress.
Indigo.
Cattery. OK.
Great!
The master at work.
Della, would you mind if I got
a quick pic for my socials?
I do mind, actually.
I respect that.
PHONE ALER
Well, they scoffed all the hot dogs.
Oh, Fi, come and try this.
Off the knife,
just like the Catalonians.
Mmm.
That Yeah?
..is insane, babe.
Mmm!
I'll have what she's having!
Just a little taste.
Ooh, lovely.
So amazing!
Oh Wow.
That is some good cookery.
Are you in the restaurant game, Fi?
God, no.
I was in Fashion. Ah!
A stylist. Of course. Hello!
And interiors.
I actually designed this place.
Wow. What a power couple.
Mm, thanks.
Er
Busted, little missy.
I see you, Morten!
It's cool. Right, Mums?
Oh, no. Put that back, Morten.
Thank you.
You're 14 years old, guys.
Yeah, you never pair pork
with Prosecco.
Ah, go with a light red
Or hold on.
Yeah, a robust white, like this.
OK?
You know, I prefer them to be
drinking here than on the streets.
Yeah, I trained in France,
and I like their relaxed approach.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, me too, Della.
I'm just the same.
I love their whole
.. "du pain, du vin, du Boursin"
thang.
Yeah. Right, shutters down.
Service is over.
I am ready for a hot tub, baby.
Mmm! We're going for a dip in
the tubmerine, Mands, if you fancy?
Ah, she has no swimmers.
Well, she doesn't need any.
Erm
La
Skinny dipping?
No, I mean you can borrow some.
Oh!
I'm sorry, I hope you didn't think
because you're both Oh, no, no.
..together that I thought
that you'd be Not at all.
Sorry! That's so
I don't know why I said that!
LAUGHTER
I'd love to. Brilliant, yeah.
Yeah, great. OK, not a problem!
Don't worry, darling. I'll just
pop upstairs and get you some OK.
You sit here, OK, darling? OK.
Won't be a minute. OK, yeah, yeah.
I think I'm going to head.
We're off to Go Ape first thing.
Ah, yeah. You'll get to meet
Amanda another time.
Bye. Yeah.
Ah!
SHE GULPS LOUDLY
Mal! Oh, God.
Hello!
SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
What about your lads night-in?
Well, Ned's gone to a party,
so you know.
I've all that still to come, sure.
Darius is still only little,
you know?
I left him at home watching
Gladiators,
snuggled up with Mr Blanky!
MAL LAUGHS
Yeah, I can't really complain.
If I had the choice
between chirpsing girls
and watching my dad boil pasta,
I know what I'd choose.
Yeah. I know what I'd choose!
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!
It's Amanda. I knew she'd come!
Hello!
IN HOARSE VOICE: Oh, hey, Anne.
SHE COUGHS Oh.
Are you OK, Amanda?
No, erm, I'm not feeling great,
actually, Anne.
I lay down for a nap and
I've literally just woken up.
You do sound a bit awful. Yeah.
Can I bring you anything? Olbas oil?
I think I'm just going
to stay in bed, Anne.
I'm just so gutted to miss
your little gathering.
OK. Well, ah, bye, Amanda.
You rest up now.
Bye, Anne.
FI: Manda, are you coming in
or what?
Yeah, coming Fi!
Oh, God. This is so nice.
It's so fresh.
You can't even smell the chlorine.
That's cos I don't use chlorine.
I actually did a homeopathy
diploma a few years ago.
Don't believe in chemicals.
Right.
Yeah.
Tell that to the MRSA.
CHANTING
CHEERING
Oh, gosh, do you think we should go
and check what the kids are up to?
No.
Ah, there she is. Oh, there she is -
get in!
Let's get this party started.
Get in!
Fi, put it in zen mode.
Yeah. Ah.
Fabulous. Oh, that's nice.
Ah.
PHONE RINGS
Oh! God, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
You all right, babe?
Yeah, sorry, it's Mummy's carer.
Hired her to take the pressure
off me and now I'm managing
both of them. Sorry.
You don't need to hear any of that.
Della went through all that
recently with her mum.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
It's brutal.
Damn straight.
Would you like some mushrooms?
Yeah. Yeah?
Sure, yeah. Thank you, Della.
I love mushrooms.
Although I'm going to go out on
a limb - I'm not a big fan
of truffle oil.
I think once Cafe Rouge starts
putting it on its chips
it sort of loses its draw a bit.
No, no. Magic mushrooms.
Della makes them with chocolate.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool. Cool.
Cool. Hmm?
Oh, a nice big bit.
Yeah. Let's get back on the bubbles!
LAUGHTER
Yes, mate! Now it's my night off!
Now! Yes, mate.
Woohoo!
Woo!
Waaaaaay! Ooo-ah!
Take him down! Take him down!
Oh! Josh, can you hear me?
You go down the gulley.
He's locked in! Manus?
Manus, darling? Is he dead?
Manus, darling!
Ah, one sec, Josh.
Who are you talking to?
My friend Josh.
As long as you're not being
groomed, darling.
Do you want a go?
Not with this wrist, kiddo.
Busted it shucking oysters.
Mummy says it's osteoarthritis
and you're only going to get worse.
Oh, does she?
DOORBELL
Mrs Sanderson?
Oh, it's bloody Joy! She's found me.
Shall I open the door?
Absolutely not.
Turn off the light!
Mrs Sanderson? Are you in there?
She's like the Terminator.
Is she trying to kill you?
Good as.
You know, she won't let me have
a drink until five.
FI: Yeah!
THEY LAUGH
KIDS CHAN
Yeah.
SCREAMING Oh!
Christ! Ahhh
Should we Do you think we should
see if the kids are all right?
No, it's fine.
The shit we got up to
when we were their age
We'd have been necking Buckfast.
The old demon Ribena!
GLASS SMASHING
CHEERING
I'm just going to nip to the loo.
Mushrooms'll do that to you, Mands.
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
DANCE MUSIC
BALLOON POPS Oh!
Georgie.
Oh, my God. Why are you here?!
Georgie, we're going.
Bye.
Why are you in a dressing gown?
Because I was in the hot tub.
Gross. Grab your shoes.
I'll get my knickers.
Oh, my God!
Is that Anne's little boy?
Uh-huh.
SHE SHOUTS: What have you been
drinking, Darius?
Something called Ar mag-nack?
Armagnac. The G is silent.
Darius?
Is this your phone?
Yeah.
Call Anne. Call his mum.
Can't you? No, because
It doesn't matter.
Just say that Darius needs
to go home, and I will tell Della
and Fi we're leaving.
Do you want some water?
Nooo
There's Ned, when he was two.
Lickle fatty bom bom!
He used to snuggle into bed
between me and Abs. Aw.
Oh, yeah, sure,
Darius still does that.
Oh, look, there's Darius.
In his little helmet!
For his rhombus-shaped head.
MAL CHUCKLES
And those are Oh, God!
MAL LAUGHS
I didn't see anything!
No, no, no, those are for
the dermatologist,
just to check that the moles
on my chest haven't grown.
I didn't see.
PHONE ALER
Oh, Darius.
Hello, bunny.
What?
PHONE RINGS
IN HOARSE VOICE: Hey, Anne.
Don't panic, but this is
a nightmare. I've just had a call,
and something awful has happened
at Fi and Della's house.
Oh, goodness.
Yeah. All the children are there!
I don't know how they got there,
but they're all there.
So I've called
all the other parents,
and, ah, I'll get Georgie for you.
Anne, no! N-no need.
Hey, guys. Erm, I'm actually going
to have to bust a move.
I know - boo! But thank you so much
for such a terrific evening.
Aw, no, don't be a pooper, Mands!
Safe travels!
Oh, I know.
Ah, guys, there's some parents here
and they're acting really
fucking hectic.
INDISTINCT VOICES
It's my one night off!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Where's the towel?
Babe? Huh?
I'm really coming up.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE WHISPERS:
Georgie, meet me by the car.
Morten said I could sleep over
and everything. Sh!
Get in the car!
BEEPING Oh, bloody thing!
Right.
I'll just charge it
for a minute. Don't move.
Oh, God Get down!
Darius? Darius!
You all right, Ned?
He He is. I've checked.
No signs of intoxication.
Darius?
Oh, Darius, my baby!
That smells like Christmas.
Has he been drinking Arm-ag-nack?
FI LAUGHS WILDLY
I warned you about alcohol. I showed
you that video of David Hasselhoff
eating a burger off the floor.
Shut up! Just go away.
Where did you even get it?
Was it Lidl?!
FI CONTINUES LAUGHING
What is so funny?
Sorry. Nothing!
Look, I just gave them
a few bottles from the cellar.
It's no big deal.
"No big deal"? No.
It's a very big deal.
They're 15 years of age,
for Christ's sakes.
Yeah. They're 15 years of age.
I don't like your attitude.
I don't like YOUR attitude.
FI LAUGHS
Oh, sh! You should have told us!
No-one told us there would be booze.
Are you all right there, Amanda?
Oh, the poor thing.
Look, you've made her come in all
the way from her sick bed in So-Ha.
What?
I'm in and out, Anne.
I don't want to give you my lurgy.
Just giving my car a quick juice.
You know what, Amanda,
it's worse than we thought
because Della gave booze
to our children.
Oh, grow up. Hmm!
Oh, that is not cool.
What do you mean?
You said it was fine!
Huh? Have you been here all evening?
No. Well, I mean
..I was en route to see you.
You were balls-deep in our jacuzzi
up till five minutes ago.
ANNE GASPS
All right, calm down.
You lied to me.
Hey, Anne, while you were sinking
Chablis in the pub,
I was saving your child.
I was saving all your children.
I literally waded through vomit.
Was this after you'd dragged
yourself out of the jacuzzi or
All right! Everybody, please
leave my house.
Thank you, Della.
No, especially you.
You know what?
Forget it. I'm out.
VARIOUS PARENTS: Come on. All right,
come on, big man. Come on.
I came here tonight
to find my people.
Well, the people have spoken,
and they have said, "We are very
"not very nice people."
OK, everybody, get out!
I'm serious this time.
Yes, yes, we're going. Clear off!
BEEPING
Oh
Eff my life!
Let that be a lesson to you,
you silly billy.
If you have come to rub it in,
Anne
Do you want to lift?
Sorry you had to come and get me.
That's all right.
I like doing boring dad stuff.
I miss it. You hungry?
Yeah. Them hot dogs were disgusting.
You're on sick bowl duty.
Yup.
All right, who's ready to rave?
MUSIC: Skankin'
by Tai Jason
RETCHING
AMANDA: Oh, God!
Hello?
Mummy? Manus?
Quick! Shut the door
before she sees us!
Who?
Hello? Mrs Sanderson? Oh
I've come to take you home.
Oh, well done.