Ambassadors (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
The Rabbit Never Escapes
1 Wolves come.
Breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.
Shooting ibex very bad.
Big trouble.
National animal.
Dead.
Big disgrace.
The Tazbeks are kind and generous hosts.
Their care and consideration for their guests is renowned throughout the world.
Dollars.
Proper money.
What about when they find ibex? Blame the Frenchman.
There absolutely within your sight.
Absolutely straight, that's the way to do it.
Bonjour.
Missed again? Yep.
Looks like it.
- Any luck yourself? - Of course I've got it.
The hunter in Bugs Bunny.
That's who you remind me of.
What was his name? Elmer Fudd.
Exactly, Elmer Fudd.
You must, er breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.
I tried.
We can't all be so formidable.
Mm-hm.
Khorosho.
Spasiba.
Dosvedanya.
Simon Broughton - our friend at Global Human Rights - was arrested two days ago up in Besh-kara.
Oh, fucking idiot! We told him not to go up there.
I know.
They've brought him back to prison here.
I think we should go and see him there, Neil, and soon, so that they know that we know.
It's late.
I'll have to call the Foreign Ministry.
They can get us in.
Isn't Jamatt on the hunting trip with the Pres? Yeah.
But I know his cousin.
- I was going to see Tanya.
- I'm sorry.
But not even Broughton deserves to end up the bunk wife of some Tazbek gang boss.
Although it would give him a powerful new insight into human rights abuses.
Mm.
A toast to the mighty ibex.
Great symbol of our nation.
The mighty ibex.
Great symbol of the nation.
Please tell the President that I very much look forward to hearing his views on our new helicopter, Jamatt.
The rabbit never escapes! That's right.
It never escapes.
I gather the President has a detailed understanding of military hardware.
I I couldn't help noticing that the US Ambassador isn't here.
I do hope she didn't decline your invitation? This is no place for a woman.
Hm.
Hm.
The Ambassador.
How's it going? Surviving? C-Can you talk? Wh-Where are you? - I'm in prison with Caitlin.
- My God! What happened? No, it's just a consular visit.
Please, don't.
We've got the toasts.
Tell me the order of the toasts again.
- Didn't you learn them? - Yes, I did.
Remind me.
The first is to the great nation of Tazbekistan.
Yep.
Start with an easy one.
Second is to the President.
Yeah.
Third is the war one - to those who never returned.
Uh-huh.
Hang on.
"Those "who never returned.
" Fourth is to women.
Women - fourth.
I always forget women.
Then the President's family.
Yep.
No.
Wait.
Then nuclear disarmament.
OK.
That's a good one.
Then the mighty ibex.
Seventh.
Don't forget that one, mate, take that seriously.
Believe me - I won't forget that one.
Finally, you toast the huntsmen.
And then the horses.
And then it all starts over.
Have you eaten the ox penis - or duck embryo yet? - What? Once you're through all that, the end is in sight.
Um Look, er can you phone Jennifer and tell her I won't be back tonight? Er, OK.
Isn't that better coming from you? I don't want her to hear me like this.
I can hardly see.
No, no, you're right, I'll phone her.
You phone her.
And I'll phone her, too.
What do you make of him? I like her.
H- Hi.
It's It's me.
I'm afraid I may not be able to make it home tonight.
Yeah.
I think I suspected that a while ago.
Are you OK? We're We're all being held hostage and slowly killed with vodka.
If I don't survive this, I want you to know that I love you.
I will always love you.
And And you can have my record collection.
And my Canaries football match programmes.
Well when you die, I get everything anyway, don't I? - Still out here? - Just taking the air.
Have you been sent out, excluded? Elmer, you bastard! I will not take this lying down.
The Ãlysée Palace will not take this lying down.
Oh, don't be like that! Come on.
I'll see if I can get you back in.
I'll have a word.
They wanted the names of my local contacts - people who drew up the lists of the missing, - all those who've been tortured.
- Claim to have.
There's ample proof and you know it.
My arrest confirms that I was on the right track.
Simon, we warned you of the possible consequences if you went up there.
Shooting your mouth off.
Whole families are being executed or burned in their homes.
The world needs to know.
Though I'm sure you lot would rather they were kept quiet so you can get on with your grubby commercial deals.
Please don't try to tell us what our priorities are.
They're the same as always, aren't they? I am personally hugely opposed to this country's human rights abuses, as is Her Majesty's Government.
So, how long do you reckon till I'm out? Your charges will be announced soon.
But you have to understand the limit to our powers, Simon.
There's an independent justice system here which we can't interfere with.
The days when we could get what we wanted by sending in a gunboat are sadly behind us.
If you're very lucky, they'll make you sweat for a bit and then put you on the first flight home.
To nuclear disarmament.
No helicopter contracts for them.
- No! - Ha-ha! Your toast, Excellency.
Ah, yes.
Er To To To women! We've done women.
Yes.
Of Of course.
Not Not women.
Er, no.
Not Not Not them, no.
Um To the President's nuclear family of huntsmen.
To the mighty ibex that the Frenchman over there shot.
The mighty ibex.
The mighty ibex.
I had coffee with the new US Trade guy this morning.
He told me that they're definitely out of the running on the helicopter contracts.
Yeah, morning, Isabel.
I'm fine, thanks.
So, it's just between us and the French.
Yeah.
Shall I let the Ambassador know? No.
I think it's much clearer if I do that.
Then we keep everybody in the loop.
Is he back yet? He's still on the President's hunting trip.
How many days is that now? Six.
The President likes to use it as a sort of endurance test for new diplomats.
Does the Ambassador know that? I'm sure he's finding out.
- Neil.
- Hello, Keith.
I don't feel quite the full ticket.
Hello, Sergei.
How are you, sir? I'm never doing that again.
No wonder the US Ambassador declined her invite.
The President didn't invite her.
He'd never dare put her through that sort of humiliation.
I've postponed all your meetings this morning and put a bucket by your bed.
But I'm afraid you've got a SECVIEW with the Prince of Darkness at two.
He wants to talk helicopters.
And we're still waiting to hear what charges will be brought against our human rights friend, if he survived the night.
Let's go.
Can't we go? I want to go.
We're waiting for Natalia.
She's meeting Stephen Pembridge.
- Huh? - The actor that the British Council have sent - he's here for the Best of British Festival.
This will make you feel better.
Hair of the dog.
Well, I can't feel any worse.
I was wrong.
- Ah, it's me.
- Ah.
Hello.
Mr Pembridge, - what an honour it is to meet you.
- Thank you.
Please call me Stephen.
You must be Natalia? - Yes.
- Nice to meet you.
I hope you don't mind the photographers.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm very used to media attention.
It's great to meet you.
I'm here to make sure you get everything you need.
Gosh.
Lucky me.
Don't pretend to me that you can't get raisins, Ludmilla.
- No.
- Oh, come on, of course you can.
There are a whole load of things you can't get in this country, but dried fruit isn't one of them.
What is this Echoes cake you want to make? I'm not gonna make it, you're gonna make it.
It's Eccles cake.
There you are.
Christ, what happened? You're five days late.
I've been detained at His Excellency's pleasure.
I go now.
No.
Now that you're here, perhaps you could persuade Ludmilla to embrace our Best of British menu with a little bit more enthusiasm.
I won't make this pie.
I am not having plov again.
Oh, don't insult their plov, for God's sake.
I'll talk to her.
Are you all right? Let's have a look at you.
Sergei gave me a pull-through.
- Tasted like run-off from a nuclear leak.
- Hm.
Knowing this place, it probably was.
What happened? I was worried about you.
The inside of the plane on the way home was like the last act of an Elizabethan tragedy, but with more sick.
- Go, "Ah".
- Aaah.
Yeah.
Just try not to drink for the rest of the year.
- I'm gonna have a lie-down.
- Good idea.
If Sergei's here, can I get a lift to the hospital? Yeah.
Keith, don't go to bed.
You're on with POD in 15.
The new MH67 Contusion Helicopter carries, as standard, 14 Venom HE missiles, 2,00030mm armour-piercing rounds and has a nose-mounted sensor suite for target acquisition.
Why have they sent us a copy of The Living Planet? "Viewers are warned that they may find some of the content distressing.
" I fear the target has been acquired.
How many of these machines are we hoping they order? And my guess is, the regime won't be exclusively targeting rabbits.
Well, at £43 million a pop, no wonder London's keen.
It's time.
Christ! Davis, what happened to you? Hard night on the plov? Neil, you're meant to be looking after him.
I've spent the last week buttering up the President.
Er Great to be invited on one of his retreats so early.
So, the helicopter contract is between us and the French? Er y-yes.
The British helicopters presentation went incredibly well.
Er, we've just been watching the DVD.
Enjoyed watching the rabbit being vaporised from 70 miles away.
Watership Down meets Apocalypse Now.
And now I've managed to secure Jamatt's acceptance of a dinner invitation.
- Just before the contract is announced.
- Jamatt's the number two? Yes.
The President's "representative on Earth".
His nephew.
I will be reiterating the technical superiority of our machine.
Oh, Davis, my daughter's hamster knows that our helicopters are better than the French ones.
But this is Central Asia - we need to offer them the chance of a place at the top table.
I-I was just coming to that.
I'll be impressing on them the fact that Her Majesty's Government is vitally interested in the security of the President's regime - in this difficult region.
- Yes, good.
And that we will do anything to help our new friends become more politically secure, as well as increasingly globally - economically vibrant.
- Yes, good.
And my dinner with Jamatt should be the icing on the cake.
- And the French? - No meeting.
No icing.
No cake, even.
So, how will they respond? Who? The French.
Oh.
Er Come on, come on, come on! This is a $2 billion helicopter contract.
- Think they'll just shrug and walk away? - No.
No.
They'll respond in their usual way.
They'll come out kicking, cheating, biting and eye-gouging.
Precisely.
And what will your response to that be? Er, well, perhaps if you could send a senior minister out here.
Oh, be sensible.
No-one wants to go to Tazbekistan.
You sound like your predecessor.
No.
We need to win this contract because these 'Stans are the future.
I want you to get very close to this President, Davis.
Sniff the armpit.
But not too close.
I don't want any embarrassing Blair-Gaddafi handshakes.
Close enough to be able to find out what they want from us, and what we want from them - that's the policy - but with enough distance to be able to extricate ourselves if things go tits up.
Gotcha.
Close, but distant.
That's it.
- Well done.
- Hm.
Michael's often like that with me.
I always come away better informed, if not actually any wiser.
Er Neil, I I've been meaning to ask, what do you think happened to my predecessor? Ah, I don't know.
I mean, he was a keen walker.
But isn't it strange that they never found the body? Not if you've seen the mountains here.
Someone did say that they spotted him in Islamabad, dressed as a woman.
To be honest, knowing him, I don't think we can rule that out.
Um I was thinking I should learn to speak Tazbek.
Good idea.
Good luck.
Isabel, your key task is to find out what the French are up to on this.
How are they gonna try and sweeten their deal? They usually send a minister, 20 bottles of vintage champagne and tickets to Roland Garros.
Well, let's have our Scotch and Centre Court ready.
I'll talk to the other embassies, dig around.
Er, I can point you in the direction of a couple of journalists.
They always know more than we do.
Right, moving on.
Update on the Best of British Festival.
There's a traditional British dinner in the residence.
I gather Jennifer and Ludmilla are in negotiations about what that might actually involve.
The last thing I heard, Jenny was trying to explain meringues.
Natalia, what other British food events have we got? Delia, Jamie, Heston? We have a man coming from a company in Kent called Pig Delicious.
He will show us how a pork pie is made.
I don't want to know that.
Is it wise to invite a pork expert to a Muslim country? - You can get pork everywhere here.
- The man will also bring with him 15 different types of chutney.
OK.
Great.
I like chutney as much as the next man.
- Any music? - Sting? Adele? - Finally Iron Maiden? Surely this time.
- Showing your age.
A group called Rattlebag will come and perform English medieval dance music from Gloucestershire.
That'll be very good.
Shall we change the title to the Best of British Shite Festival? And best of all, the British Council have sponsored a visit from the great British actor Stephen Pembridge.
Terrific.
What's he been in? He's the guy we picked up from the airport.
Oh, that guy.
He's won numerous Grand Prix, Drama Mask and Golden Curtain awards.
- But what's he going to perform? - A new version of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
The British Council said it was, "unlike anything else they have seen".
Well done, Natalia.
I know it isn't at all easy coaxing people out to this part of the world.
How's Dad? He's fine, darling, he's a bit - It's Daisy.
- Hi, Dad.
- Daisy-Maisy! How's school? - It's OK, I suppose.
- How's the life of a top diplomat? - I don't know.
- If you can find one, ask him.
- Dad, do we have to do that stupid joke every time? And I'm not Daisy-Maisy any more either.
We can't wait to see you at half-term, darling.
Look, guys, I don't know if I want to go all the way to the middle of nowhere for six days.
It's not nowhere here.
Can't I just stay in England with Suze? Her parents said they'd put me up.
They love me.
They said yes.
Well, we love you, darling.
And we've bought your ticket now, so it's not really up for discussion.
Why am I never consulted on this? I'm the one that has to schlep out all the way to Pissfana.
Iskfana.
Look, I'd better go and finish my French prep.
I had to get special permission to do this.
- It's been real.
- Well, when are we going? I miss her.
Even when she's like that? Yeah.
She's like that cos we're here.
She's like that cos she's 13.
You've got no taste in music, Neil.
Thanks for your advice, Kevin.
When I've got a question about oil, I'll let you know.
How about this, Neil, to find out what the French are up to? In my last post to Madrid, - I got to know the French Trade guy.
- Right.
He trained in Paris with the Head of Consular at the embassy here.
OK.
- So, maybe I should call him? - Yeah.
Maybe.
You see the little guy over there talking to the special forces with the fat neck? Drinking coffee? That's Sam, the French Ambassador's driver.
Why's he drinking coffee at this time of night, do you think? Spasiba.
Tanya, why is Sam on the coffee and off the Cointreau? I think he's going to airport.
He's going to the airport.
How are you finding it here? This country? Fascinating.
An adventure.
Everything I'd hoped it would be.
There are some real opportunities here, aren't there? The weather's OK now, but it gets to be -40 in the winter.
Yeah, and 130 degrees in the summer.
I read that.
It's one thing to read it in the country report, quite another to experience just how ball-shrinkingly freezing it is.
But you love it here? It's surreal and bonkers and beautiful.
I just got a text from Stephen Pembridge.
He asks if I can go help him learn lines in his hotel room? Is that an honour? At midnight? No, it's not.
I'd ignore that text, if I were you.
OK.
Are you sure? He's our guest.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him.
That Isabel looks like a tight-arse.
You wait - she'll be Ambassador to Paris before she's 30.
What did Budansky want? You gave him money.
I have to renew my liquor licence.
$5,000 to the government.
$3,000 in cash to him.
He'd never dare ask for that much if my brother was around.
He's from a much-loved family of corrupt officials.
Natalia had to get a travel visa out of his brother.
Cost her more than the flight.
I wouldn't know about that.
I've never left Tazbekistan.
But I have a feeling you're about to take me somewhere.
Isn't that why you're with me? Sure! All the travel opportunities.
Stay here.
It's great here.
- You're not missing anything.
- You're so spoiled.
This is the room where you will be performing, Mr Pembridge.
I'm sorry.
This room is far too cribbed.
It's all wrong.
I feel the room coming in on me.
My productions famously pullulate and teem.
They are capacious.
The Swiss Alps must abound.
How can I create the professor's laboratory in here? Can it be a small laboratory? Ohh! No, darling, it can't.
I'm sorry.
Ha! Apparently, the Secretary of State said my last DipTel was very well written and utterly irrelevant.
Easy for him to say, sitting in Whitehall, cappuccino in hand, one eye on the cricket.
They've just charged Simon Broughton.
They're accusing you of killing two disabled kids in your car.
What? I-I don't even own a car.
Apparently, you hit them as they walked home from school on the main Besh-kara road and then you fled the scene of the crime.
They're scared of what I know.
They say they have seven witnesses.
And the bodies of the two children.
If you're found guilty, the family of the bereaved is allowed to decide the punishment.
But they always choose the death penalty.
- Can they make it stick? - They can make anything stick.
I just saw the grieving family outside the justice ministry laying it on pretty thick.
Hate to see what they'd do if they actually lost a child.
Any wiggle room on this? Pleading guilty to lesser charges? What, killing just one disabled kid? No.
I think you're gonna need to talk to Jamatt personally about this tonight.
No.
I have to use that window to secure our helicopter contract.
I can't lobby for a major arms deal at the same time as I confront them on their human rights record.
Sorry to disturb you, but I think you should know the French Defence Minister came into town very early this morning.
I drove out to the airport last night, saw him fly in at 2am.
A French Airforce C-130.
It was definitely Girard? That's him.
He's a player and a shit.
- We're screwed.
- This is it, the French biting and cheating.
Where did he go? The Presidential palace? Mm-hm.
- To see Jamatt or the Pres.
- Or both.
Throughout this whole process, I've repeatedly asked London to send out a big hitter.
It's too late to worry about that.
This makes tonight even more important for securing the contract.
You're relying on Ludmilla's first attempt at a steak and kidney pie and a one-man production of Frankenstein to win a $2 billion helicopter contract? No, I'm not, Neil! I'm I'm saying that Jamatt is the key.
The President listens to him, not to some French functionary.
If they've got a minister out here, that must put them ahead on the helicopters.
- I'm not accepting that.
- The best use of your time tonight is to get Simon Broughton freed.
Otherwise they'll execute him.
- You don't know that.
- They've done it before.
Believe me.
Thank you, Isabel.
We can't have this conversation here.
He's an idiot who brought this on himself and he hasn't even been found guilty yet.
You're right, he is an idiot.
But if you don't intervene in some way, I think he will be found guilty tomorrow and executed in front of the grieving family.
We can't allow that to happen.
This helicopter factory is in the PM's constituency.
That's the priority.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry? What? What do you see? What this is about.
Oh, right.
What is it about, Neil? No, please, come on.
Tell me.
We've gotta spend the next few years together.
We need to be open with each other.
What's it about? What's my agenda? You're reluctant to confront London on this.
Oh, am I? And why's that? I don't know.
You wanna stay on the escalator.
You don't want your next posting to be a secondment to the Greek tax department? Nor, I suppose, do you.
Neil, we're all aware of your fondness for this country, and its women.
What the hell's she got to do with this? Despite your snide suggestion, my main concern is not, in fact, my own career - it's my country.
Why should British factory workers suffer because of one self-important idealist? Prosperity and security - those are the priorities.
We don't make the policies.
- I know.
- If you continue to suggest that I prioritise my career, and the soft option, over confronting London and ministers, then you're horribly wrong and you and I are gonna come to serious blows very rapidly.
No, I understand.
You've been very clear.
On this particular occasion, you're prioritising Britain's commercial interests ahead of human rights and our anti-death penalty campaign, because you think the arms contract will do more good.
Yes, I do.
That's right.
Because it will do more good.
Natalia, can I just say that I am completely underwhelmed by what we've got laid on for tonight? Chutney, morris dancing and some fucking poncey actor are not what makes Britain great.
Tonight had better go like a dream.
He isn't angry with you.
He's angry with me.
How's it looking for tonight? Yes, er good.
Where's Stephen? All happy? Yes.
Er He He just asked to see me.
OK.
Natashka, I find myself in a difficult situation about tonight.
I so want to please you and perform, but I really don't see how I can.
I know we don't offer all the things you're used to, Mr Pembridge.
- No, Stephen.
Stephen.
Stephen.
- I know the room is too small.
I can't perform in a cupboard, now, can I? It is a real honour to have you here.
We've all been so excited.
I have been excited, most of all.
Have you? Mr Pembridge! I-I'm afraid I can't do that.
So, you're not excited by me? I am.
But I can't kiss you, Stephen.
I'm married.
We are very conservative here.
Compared in England, where I know everyone sleeps with each other all the time.
But that is not the Tazbek way.
I thought something had clicked between us, Natka.
Please don't pretend it's just me who felt that.
Perhaps we could go out after the show.
You and me.
Iskfana can be a fun place at night.
We can have a drink together.
But I hope I can tell the Ambassador that you will be performing tonight.
All right, darling.
Let me do my Frankenstein, and afterwards I'll be really interested to hear your thoughts on my performance.
- OK.
- And we can pick through it all together.
And I promise to behave myself.
Even though every atom of my body wants to fuck you right now.
Hm! Right, as guest of honour, Jamatt sits next to me.
Who shall we put on the other side of him? The French Ambassador.
Very funny.
You know he's coming, don't you? What? No.
- Yes.
- Well, who invited him? - You did.
- No, I didn't.
You asked Natalia to invite all the major European Ambassadors.
Well she shouldn't listen to me.
- Can we un-invite him? - No! Well, let's make sure he doesn't get a chance to chat up Jamatt.
Um We'll We'll seat him down here by the door.
So who's next to Jamatt? Someone who can finesse him.
I know who I'd use.
She hates him.
He put his hand on her bum while I was presenting my credentials.
Maybe I should get a helicopter tattooed on my arse.
A little reminder to your Mr Jamatt.
Seeing as that's what this evening's actually about.
Thank you so much for this.
I accept that there's a risk of another hand-on-bum event.
But there's no-one better at this than you.
Oh, forget helicopters.
Maybe I should just ask him to supply the hospital with some proper drugs.
Don't do that! Don't do that.
Please come through.
Please come in.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Um, it has sugar in and raisins - It's very sweet.
- Yeah, it is Yes.
Thank you so much for coming.
- It's nice to see you.
- How are you? Nice to see you.
Bye-bye.
Your Excellency.
Lovely to see you again.
Darling, you you remember Marc, the French Ambassador? - Jennifer.
- Marc.
- You are looking beautiful as ever.
- Thank you so much.
How delightful to be here.
You're not wearing your furry hunting hat tonight, Elmer? Ha! No.
- Petra.
- Hello.
Your Excellency.
Thank you so much for coming.
Delighted to be here.
Hello, Jennifer.
- Hello.
- Lovely outfit.
- Thank you so much.
- You know Marc, of course.
Ambassador.
How fares the euro? Oh And I hear there's to be some British entertainment tonight.
Beyond the cooking, that is.
Yes.
Outside, you can learn how to make a British pork pie.
And after dinner, I'm delighted to say that Stephen Pembridge will be performing his one-man adaptation - of Frankenstein.
- Not him again.
Haven't the British Council got anyone else they send? They put me through his Martin Chuzzlewit in Ankara last year.
It was longer than sorrow.
Ha! Um now, let me tempt you both with an Eccles cake.
What's this we're eating? It's, er, steak and kidney plov.
So long as it's not an ibex you might have shot.
No.
Jamatt, Neil was telling me that you're a father - with young children.
- Yes, I have an 18-month-old son.
Ah, congratulations.
That's such a lovely age, isn't it? Is that your first? In fact, there was something I wanted to ask your advice on, as a doctor and a mother.
Yes, of course.
- What's that? - It's about my boy.
He gets this rash.
I don't know how you say it in English.
Ladies and gentlemen In order to properly reflect the duality at the heart of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, I will be playing both the part of Dr Frankenstein, the experimental chemist At the University of Ingolstadt, I questioned whence did the principle of life proceed.
And I will also be playing the accursed Creature he creates.
Cursed Creator! I have g-g-glutted myself with shrieks and m-misery! This approach has never before been attempted.
I'm afraid that tomorrow, the courts will find your countryman, Mr Broughton, guilty of all 25 charges.
What does that mean? What will the sentence be? I'm sorry.
We have to make an example of him.
I am Genovese by birth, and my family benevolent smiles of pleasure as he regarded me.
I was their idol.
I was their plaything.
A helpless, innocent creature, bestowed on them from heaven! If you do, I swear by the power of love that b-b-b-burns in my heart, I will quit Chamonix for ever-r-r-r! Is this revenge for the hunting trip? - No, no, no, no.
That's not the end.
- Stephen, that was absolutely marvellous.
W-Why are they all going? I'm afraid there's been a serious diplomatic incident.
I travelled 5,000 miles to be here.
I know, and they're loving the show.
But a sudden crisis is always a possibility with this crowd.
Occupational hazard.
- Stephen, that was extraordinary.
- Yes, Stephen, that was amazing.
Now we must get you into the Iskfana nightlife.
It did go well, didn't it? Do you think my performance went well? Oh, yes.
Yes, I did it again, didn't I? Anyway, what seems to be the big crisis? I'd love to be able to tell you.
Oh, of course! Please.
Er, yeah.
Right.
Well, excuse me.
Thank you.
Oh, God! Well done for stopping that.
You were about to lose all influence in this country for ever.
I know.
Jamatt said you were Britain's secret weapon.
His son's got bad eczema.
I prescribed some steroid for him.
Brilliant.
Well done.
Dictators are always sentimental about their kids.
And in return, he has agreed to double my drugs budget.
Oh, that's great news.
Well done.
Of course he didn't.
He is arranging for you to see the President tomorrow morning for 20 minutes to talk about your nasty helicopters.
With the President? Thank you, darling.
You're amazing.
I am, aren't I? So how did it go? I think there were many aspects of this evening that would have appealed to you.
Hm.
It's not good, Neil.
Word's gone to the judge for the death penalty on this one.
They're pushing for beheading.
Well, we're gonna have to fight it, aren't we? If they want to they'll always do it eventually.
Your Excellency.
Thank you for agreeing to this meeting, Your Excellency.
You want to talk about your British helicopters, don't you, and tell me they are the best? This is fresh.
I killed it this morning.
So, I will tell you what the French have offered me.
Their vote in my World Cup bid $20 million in cash and a state visit from their President.
- Wow.
That's a lot of things.
- Yes.
Well, I hope you do choose to go with the British Contusion helicopters, because, yes, they really are much better than those French flying coffins.
Actually, Jamatt has told me I should grant you a favour and reject the French, choose the best helicopter.
I hope you do that.
But, actually, Your Excellency, I came here to ask you for something else.
Neil, hello.
Er, have have we heard about the helicopters? Just been announced.
The French got it.
Oh, no.
This stupid country.
How was last night? First of all, he tried to tell how to direct opera in Scandinavia.
And then he stuck his hand up my skirt.
- I hit him, Neil.
- Good.
- I hit him really hard.
- Great.
Do you wanna press a formal complaint? - Are you sure? - He's just A complete fucking arsehole, yes.
Well, he's out of here now.
You were great, Natalia.
Well done.
Simon, you have the Ambassador's wife to thank for your release.
If it wasn't for her intervention, you'd be facing a long stretch.
Possibly worse.
I'd happily have stayed in jail if it had brought the world's attention to this terrible regime.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
The Washington Post is hardly going to run a piece on someone who's just been released.
I've had a shit time, too.
I won't be doing an embassy show again.
My review of your embassy, Ambassador, would read, "Unwelcoming, unappreciative and underwhelming.
Avoid.
" I'm setting up a press conference the moment I land.
I'm going straight to the Foreign Secretary.
Mm.
Principles and values mean nothing to these people any more.
Sergei, please pull over.
You come out to this country expecting Her Majesty's Government to pay your way, feed you, get you pissed and drive you around.
And, in return, you give one of the worst performances of anything I have ever seen, and molest one of my staff.
I still have no idea who you really are, apart from some monstrously untalented sex tourist masquerading as a fifth-rate actor.
And, as for you, you shithead, if you want me to take you back to the prison, believe me, nothing would delight me more.
You have no idea what we're trying to achieve on a wider scale here, you ignore our advice, and then you expect our busy, underpaid, under-resourced, overworked staff to pick up the pieces when you inevitably fuck up and find yourself in the shit.
So, how's this - we help you, you say thank you, and then you clear off? Or, if that's beyond you, I'll leave you here and you can find your own way to the airport.
So which is it? Help, thank you, airport? Or rude twats, no help, walking? Help, thank you, airport, please.
Never come back here, either of you.
Good.
Next.
- Only one dwarf - singular.
- Ah.
Only one of the little fellas.
Excuse me, but I thought you'd like to see this.
Little piece in The Herald Tribune.
Unfortunately, it doesn't say what a tosser Simon Broughton is, but it does mention your name.
"British embassy instrumental in securing release" And people say the world isn't interested in Tazbekistan.
Oh, and Sergei says that a piano stool has arrived from Cairo.
But no piano? No.
Just the stool.
Ambassador's office.
Ye Yes, sir.
It's POD.
He says that you owe Britain $2 billion.
Will you excuse me a moment, Mrs Petrova?
Breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.
Shooting ibex very bad.
Big trouble.
National animal.
Dead.
Big disgrace.
The Tazbeks are kind and generous hosts.
Their care and consideration for their guests is renowned throughout the world.
Dollars.
Proper money.
What about when they find ibex? Blame the Frenchman.
There absolutely within your sight.
Absolutely straight, that's the way to do it.
Bonjour.
Missed again? Yep.
Looks like it.
- Any luck yourself? - Of course I've got it.
The hunter in Bugs Bunny.
That's who you remind me of.
What was his name? Elmer Fudd.
Exactly, Elmer Fudd.
You must, er breathe out when you squeeze the trigger.
I tried.
We can't all be so formidable.
Mm-hm.
Khorosho.
Spasiba.
Dosvedanya.
Simon Broughton - our friend at Global Human Rights - was arrested two days ago up in Besh-kara.
Oh, fucking idiot! We told him not to go up there.
I know.
They've brought him back to prison here.
I think we should go and see him there, Neil, and soon, so that they know that we know.
It's late.
I'll have to call the Foreign Ministry.
They can get us in.
Isn't Jamatt on the hunting trip with the Pres? Yeah.
But I know his cousin.
- I was going to see Tanya.
- I'm sorry.
But not even Broughton deserves to end up the bunk wife of some Tazbek gang boss.
Although it would give him a powerful new insight into human rights abuses.
Mm.
A toast to the mighty ibex.
Great symbol of our nation.
The mighty ibex.
Great symbol of the nation.
Please tell the President that I very much look forward to hearing his views on our new helicopter, Jamatt.
The rabbit never escapes! That's right.
It never escapes.
I gather the President has a detailed understanding of military hardware.
I I couldn't help noticing that the US Ambassador isn't here.
I do hope she didn't decline your invitation? This is no place for a woman.
Hm.
Hm.
The Ambassador.
How's it going? Surviving? C-Can you talk? Wh-Where are you? - I'm in prison with Caitlin.
- My God! What happened? No, it's just a consular visit.
Please, don't.
We've got the toasts.
Tell me the order of the toasts again.
- Didn't you learn them? - Yes, I did.
Remind me.
The first is to the great nation of Tazbekistan.
Yep.
Start with an easy one.
Second is to the President.
Yeah.
Third is the war one - to those who never returned.
Uh-huh.
Hang on.
"Those "who never returned.
" Fourth is to women.
Women - fourth.
I always forget women.
Then the President's family.
Yep.
No.
Wait.
Then nuclear disarmament.
OK.
That's a good one.
Then the mighty ibex.
Seventh.
Don't forget that one, mate, take that seriously.
Believe me - I won't forget that one.
Finally, you toast the huntsmen.
And then the horses.
And then it all starts over.
Have you eaten the ox penis - or duck embryo yet? - What? Once you're through all that, the end is in sight.
Um Look, er can you phone Jennifer and tell her I won't be back tonight? Er, OK.
Isn't that better coming from you? I don't want her to hear me like this.
I can hardly see.
No, no, you're right, I'll phone her.
You phone her.
And I'll phone her, too.
What do you make of him? I like her.
H- Hi.
It's It's me.
I'm afraid I may not be able to make it home tonight.
Yeah.
I think I suspected that a while ago.
Are you OK? We're We're all being held hostage and slowly killed with vodka.
If I don't survive this, I want you to know that I love you.
I will always love you.
And And you can have my record collection.
And my Canaries football match programmes.
Well when you die, I get everything anyway, don't I? - Still out here? - Just taking the air.
Have you been sent out, excluded? Elmer, you bastard! I will not take this lying down.
The Ãlysée Palace will not take this lying down.
Oh, don't be like that! Come on.
I'll see if I can get you back in.
I'll have a word.
They wanted the names of my local contacts - people who drew up the lists of the missing, - all those who've been tortured.
- Claim to have.
There's ample proof and you know it.
My arrest confirms that I was on the right track.
Simon, we warned you of the possible consequences if you went up there.
Shooting your mouth off.
Whole families are being executed or burned in their homes.
The world needs to know.
Though I'm sure you lot would rather they were kept quiet so you can get on with your grubby commercial deals.
Please don't try to tell us what our priorities are.
They're the same as always, aren't they? I am personally hugely opposed to this country's human rights abuses, as is Her Majesty's Government.
So, how long do you reckon till I'm out? Your charges will be announced soon.
But you have to understand the limit to our powers, Simon.
There's an independent justice system here which we can't interfere with.
The days when we could get what we wanted by sending in a gunboat are sadly behind us.
If you're very lucky, they'll make you sweat for a bit and then put you on the first flight home.
To nuclear disarmament.
No helicopter contracts for them.
- No! - Ha-ha! Your toast, Excellency.
Ah, yes.
Er To To To women! We've done women.
Yes.
Of Of course.
Not Not women.
Er, no.
Not Not Not them, no.
Um To the President's nuclear family of huntsmen.
To the mighty ibex that the Frenchman over there shot.
The mighty ibex.
The mighty ibex.
I had coffee with the new US Trade guy this morning.
He told me that they're definitely out of the running on the helicopter contracts.
Yeah, morning, Isabel.
I'm fine, thanks.
So, it's just between us and the French.
Yeah.
Shall I let the Ambassador know? No.
I think it's much clearer if I do that.
Then we keep everybody in the loop.
Is he back yet? He's still on the President's hunting trip.
How many days is that now? Six.
The President likes to use it as a sort of endurance test for new diplomats.
Does the Ambassador know that? I'm sure he's finding out.
- Neil.
- Hello, Keith.
I don't feel quite the full ticket.
Hello, Sergei.
How are you, sir? I'm never doing that again.
No wonder the US Ambassador declined her invite.
The President didn't invite her.
He'd never dare put her through that sort of humiliation.
I've postponed all your meetings this morning and put a bucket by your bed.
But I'm afraid you've got a SECVIEW with the Prince of Darkness at two.
He wants to talk helicopters.
And we're still waiting to hear what charges will be brought against our human rights friend, if he survived the night.
Let's go.
Can't we go? I want to go.
We're waiting for Natalia.
She's meeting Stephen Pembridge.
- Huh? - The actor that the British Council have sent - he's here for the Best of British Festival.
This will make you feel better.
Hair of the dog.
Well, I can't feel any worse.
I was wrong.
- Ah, it's me.
- Ah.
Hello.
Mr Pembridge, - what an honour it is to meet you.
- Thank you.
Please call me Stephen.
You must be Natalia? - Yes.
- Nice to meet you.
I hope you don't mind the photographers.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm very used to media attention.
It's great to meet you.
I'm here to make sure you get everything you need.
Gosh.
Lucky me.
Don't pretend to me that you can't get raisins, Ludmilla.
- No.
- Oh, come on, of course you can.
There are a whole load of things you can't get in this country, but dried fruit isn't one of them.
What is this Echoes cake you want to make? I'm not gonna make it, you're gonna make it.
It's Eccles cake.
There you are.
Christ, what happened? You're five days late.
I've been detained at His Excellency's pleasure.
I go now.
No.
Now that you're here, perhaps you could persuade Ludmilla to embrace our Best of British menu with a little bit more enthusiasm.
I won't make this pie.
I am not having plov again.
Oh, don't insult their plov, for God's sake.
I'll talk to her.
Are you all right? Let's have a look at you.
Sergei gave me a pull-through.
- Tasted like run-off from a nuclear leak.
- Hm.
Knowing this place, it probably was.
What happened? I was worried about you.
The inside of the plane on the way home was like the last act of an Elizabethan tragedy, but with more sick.
- Go, "Ah".
- Aaah.
Yeah.
Just try not to drink for the rest of the year.
- I'm gonna have a lie-down.
- Good idea.
If Sergei's here, can I get a lift to the hospital? Yeah.
Keith, don't go to bed.
You're on with POD in 15.
The new MH67 Contusion Helicopter carries, as standard, 14 Venom HE missiles, 2,00030mm armour-piercing rounds and has a nose-mounted sensor suite for target acquisition.
Why have they sent us a copy of The Living Planet? "Viewers are warned that they may find some of the content distressing.
" I fear the target has been acquired.
How many of these machines are we hoping they order? And my guess is, the regime won't be exclusively targeting rabbits.
Well, at £43 million a pop, no wonder London's keen.
It's time.
Christ! Davis, what happened to you? Hard night on the plov? Neil, you're meant to be looking after him.
I've spent the last week buttering up the President.
Er Great to be invited on one of his retreats so early.
So, the helicopter contract is between us and the French? Er y-yes.
The British helicopters presentation went incredibly well.
Er, we've just been watching the DVD.
Enjoyed watching the rabbit being vaporised from 70 miles away.
Watership Down meets Apocalypse Now.
And now I've managed to secure Jamatt's acceptance of a dinner invitation.
- Just before the contract is announced.
- Jamatt's the number two? Yes.
The President's "representative on Earth".
His nephew.
I will be reiterating the technical superiority of our machine.
Oh, Davis, my daughter's hamster knows that our helicopters are better than the French ones.
But this is Central Asia - we need to offer them the chance of a place at the top table.
I-I was just coming to that.
I'll be impressing on them the fact that Her Majesty's Government is vitally interested in the security of the President's regime - in this difficult region.
- Yes, good.
And that we will do anything to help our new friends become more politically secure, as well as increasingly globally - economically vibrant.
- Yes, good.
And my dinner with Jamatt should be the icing on the cake.
- And the French? - No meeting.
No icing.
No cake, even.
So, how will they respond? Who? The French.
Oh.
Er Come on, come on, come on! This is a $2 billion helicopter contract.
- Think they'll just shrug and walk away? - No.
No.
They'll respond in their usual way.
They'll come out kicking, cheating, biting and eye-gouging.
Precisely.
And what will your response to that be? Er, well, perhaps if you could send a senior minister out here.
Oh, be sensible.
No-one wants to go to Tazbekistan.
You sound like your predecessor.
No.
We need to win this contract because these 'Stans are the future.
I want you to get very close to this President, Davis.
Sniff the armpit.
But not too close.
I don't want any embarrassing Blair-Gaddafi handshakes.
Close enough to be able to find out what they want from us, and what we want from them - that's the policy - but with enough distance to be able to extricate ourselves if things go tits up.
Gotcha.
Close, but distant.
That's it.
- Well done.
- Hm.
Michael's often like that with me.
I always come away better informed, if not actually any wiser.
Er Neil, I I've been meaning to ask, what do you think happened to my predecessor? Ah, I don't know.
I mean, he was a keen walker.
But isn't it strange that they never found the body? Not if you've seen the mountains here.
Someone did say that they spotted him in Islamabad, dressed as a woman.
To be honest, knowing him, I don't think we can rule that out.
Um I was thinking I should learn to speak Tazbek.
Good idea.
Good luck.
Isabel, your key task is to find out what the French are up to on this.
How are they gonna try and sweeten their deal? They usually send a minister, 20 bottles of vintage champagne and tickets to Roland Garros.
Well, let's have our Scotch and Centre Court ready.
I'll talk to the other embassies, dig around.
Er, I can point you in the direction of a couple of journalists.
They always know more than we do.
Right, moving on.
Update on the Best of British Festival.
There's a traditional British dinner in the residence.
I gather Jennifer and Ludmilla are in negotiations about what that might actually involve.
The last thing I heard, Jenny was trying to explain meringues.
Natalia, what other British food events have we got? Delia, Jamie, Heston? We have a man coming from a company in Kent called Pig Delicious.
He will show us how a pork pie is made.
I don't want to know that.
Is it wise to invite a pork expert to a Muslim country? - You can get pork everywhere here.
- The man will also bring with him 15 different types of chutney.
OK.
Great.
I like chutney as much as the next man.
- Any music? - Sting? Adele? - Finally Iron Maiden? Surely this time.
- Showing your age.
A group called Rattlebag will come and perform English medieval dance music from Gloucestershire.
That'll be very good.
Shall we change the title to the Best of British Shite Festival? And best of all, the British Council have sponsored a visit from the great British actor Stephen Pembridge.
Terrific.
What's he been in? He's the guy we picked up from the airport.
Oh, that guy.
He's won numerous Grand Prix, Drama Mask and Golden Curtain awards.
- But what's he going to perform? - A new version of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
The British Council said it was, "unlike anything else they have seen".
Well done, Natalia.
I know it isn't at all easy coaxing people out to this part of the world.
How's Dad? He's fine, darling, he's a bit - It's Daisy.
- Hi, Dad.
- Daisy-Maisy! How's school? - It's OK, I suppose.
- How's the life of a top diplomat? - I don't know.
- If you can find one, ask him.
- Dad, do we have to do that stupid joke every time? And I'm not Daisy-Maisy any more either.
We can't wait to see you at half-term, darling.
Look, guys, I don't know if I want to go all the way to the middle of nowhere for six days.
It's not nowhere here.
Can't I just stay in England with Suze? Her parents said they'd put me up.
They love me.
They said yes.
Well, we love you, darling.
And we've bought your ticket now, so it's not really up for discussion.
Why am I never consulted on this? I'm the one that has to schlep out all the way to Pissfana.
Iskfana.
Look, I'd better go and finish my French prep.
I had to get special permission to do this.
- It's been real.
- Well, when are we going? I miss her.
Even when she's like that? Yeah.
She's like that cos we're here.
She's like that cos she's 13.
You've got no taste in music, Neil.
Thanks for your advice, Kevin.
When I've got a question about oil, I'll let you know.
How about this, Neil, to find out what the French are up to? In my last post to Madrid, - I got to know the French Trade guy.
- Right.
He trained in Paris with the Head of Consular at the embassy here.
OK.
- So, maybe I should call him? - Yeah.
Maybe.
You see the little guy over there talking to the special forces with the fat neck? Drinking coffee? That's Sam, the French Ambassador's driver.
Why's he drinking coffee at this time of night, do you think? Spasiba.
Tanya, why is Sam on the coffee and off the Cointreau? I think he's going to airport.
He's going to the airport.
How are you finding it here? This country? Fascinating.
An adventure.
Everything I'd hoped it would be.
There are some real opportunities here, aren't there? The weather's OK now, but it gets to be -40 in the winter.
Yeah, and 130 degrees in the summer.
I read that.
It's one thing to read it in the country report, quite another to experience just how ball-shrinkingly freezing it is.
But you love it here? It's surreal and bonkers and beautiful.
I just got a text from Stephen Pembridge.
He asks if I can go help him learn lines in his hotel room? Is that an honour? At midnight? No, it's not.
I'd ignore that text, if I were you.
OK.
Are you sure? He's our guest.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him.
That Isabel looks like a tight-arse.
You wait - she'll be Ambassador to Paris before she's 30.
What did Budansky want? You gave him money.
I have to renew my liquor licence.
$5,000 to the government.
$3,000 in cash to him.
He'd never dare ask for that much if my brother was around.
He's from a much-loved family of corrupt officials.
Natalia had to get a travel visa out of his brother.
Cost her more than the flight.
I wouldn't know about that.
I've never left Tazbekistan.
But I have a feeling you're about to take me somewhere.
Isn't that why you're with me? Sure! All the travel opportunities.
Stay here.
It's great here.
- You're not missing anything.
- You're so spoiled.
This is the room where you will be performing, Mr Pembridge.
I'm sorry.
This room is far too cribbed.
It's all wrong.
I feel the room coming in on me.
My productions famously pullulate and teem.
They are capacious.
The Swiss Alps must abound.
How can I create the professor's laboratory in here? Can it be a small laboratory? Ohh! No, darling, it can't.
I'm sorry.
Ha! Apparently, the Secretary of State said my last DipTel was very well written and utterly irrelevant.
Easy for him to say, sitting in Whitehall, cappuccino in hand, one eye on the cricket.
They've just charged Simon Broughton.
They're accusing you of killing two disabled kids in your car.
What? I-I don't even own a car.
Apparently, you hit them as they walked home from school on the main Besh-kara road and then you fled the scene of the crime.
They're scared of what I know.
They say they have seven witnesses.
And the bodies of the two children.
If you're found guilty, the family of the bereaved is allowed to decide the punishment.
But they always choose the death penalty.
- Can they make it stick? - They can make anything stick.
I just saw the grieving family outside the justice ministry laying it on pretty thick.
Hate to see what they'd do if they actually lost a child.
Any wiggle room on this? Pleading guilty to lesser charges? What, killing just one disabled kid? No.
I think you're gonna need to talk to Jamatt personally about this tonight.
No.
I have to use that window to secure our helicopter contract.
I can't lobby for a major arms deal at the same time as I confront them on their human rights record.
Sorry to disturb you, but I think you should know the French Defence Minister came into town very early this morning.
I drove out to the airport last night, saw him fly in at 2am.
A French Airforce C-130.
It was definitely Girard? That's him.
He's a player and a shit.
- We're screwed.
- This is it, the French biting and cheating.
Where did he go? The Presidential palace? Mm-hm.
- To see Jamatt or the Pres.
- Or both.
Throughout this whole process, I've repeatedly asked London to send out a big hitter.
It's too late to worry about that.
This makes tonight even more important for securing the contract.
You're relying on Ludmilla's first attempt at a steak and kidney pie and a one-man production of Frankenstein to win a $2 billion helicopter contract? No, I'm not, Neil! I'm I'm saying that Jamatt is the key.
The President listens to him, not to some French functionary.
If they've got a minister out here, that must put them ahead on the helicopters.
- I'm not accepting that.
- The best use of your time tonight is to get Simon Broughton freed.
Otherwise they'll execute him.
- You don't know that.
- They've done it before.
Believe me.
Thank you, Isabel.
We can't have this conversation here.
He's an idiot who brought this on himself and he hasn't even been found guilty yet.
You're right, he is an idiot.
But if you don't intervene in some way, I think he will be found guilty tomorrow and executed in front of the grieving family.
We can't allow that to happen.
This helicopter factory is in the PM's constituency.
That's the priority.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry? What? What do you see? What this is about.
Oh, right.
What is it about, Neil? No, please, come on.
Tell me.
We've gotta spend the next few years together.
We need to be open with each other.
What's it about? What's my agenda? You're reluctant to confront London on this.
Oh, am I? And why's that? I don't know.
You wanna stay on the escalator.
You don't want your next posting to be a secondment to the Greek tax department? Nor, I suppose, do you.
Neil, we're all aware of your fondness for this country, and its women.
What the hell's she got to do with this? Despite your snide suggestion, my main concern is not, in fact, my own career - it's my country.
Why should British factory workers suffer because of one self-important idealist? Prosperity and security - those are the priorities.
We don't make the policies.
- I know.
- If you continue to suggest that I prioritise my career, and the soft option, over confronting London and ministers, then you're horribly wrong and you and I are gonna come to serious blows very rapidly.
No, I understand.
You've been very clear.
On this particular occasion, you're prioritising Britain's commercial interests ahead of human rights and our anti-death penalty campaign, because you think the arms contract will do more good.
Yes, I do.
That's right.
Because it will do more good.
Natalia, can I just say that I am completely underwhelmed by what we've got laid on for tonight? Chutney, morris dancing and some fucking poncey actor are not what makes Britain great.
Tonight had better go like a dream.
He isn't angry with you.
He's angry with me.
How's it looking for tonight? Yes, er good.
Where's Stephen? All happy? Yes.
Er He He just asked to see me.
OK.
Natashka, I find myself in a difficult situation about tonight.
I so want to please you and perform, but I really don't see how I can.
I know we don't offer all the things you're used to, Mr Pembridge.
- No, Stephen.
Stephen.
Stephen.
- I know the room is too small.
I can't perform in a cupboard, now, can I? It is a real honour to have you here.
We've all been so excited.
I have been excited, most of all.
Have you? Mr Pembridge! I-I'm afraid I can't do that.
So, you're not excited by me? I am.
But I can't kiss you, Stephen.
I'm married.
We are very conservative here.
Compared in England, where I know everyone sleeps with each other all the time.
But that is not the Tazbek way.
I thought something had clicked between us, Natka.
Please don't pretend it's just me who felt that.
Perhaps we could go out after the show.
You and me.
Iskfana can be a fun place at night.
We can have a drink together.
But I hope I can tell the Ambassador that you will be performing tonight.
All right, darling.
Let me do my Frankenstein, and afterwards I'll be really interested to hear your thoughts on my performance.
- OK.
- And we can pick through it all together.
And I promise to behave myself.
Even though every atom of my body wants to fuck you right now.
Hm! Right, as guest of honour, Jamatt sits next to me.
Who shall we put on the other side of him? The French Ambassador.
Very funny.
You know he's coming, don't you? What? No.
- Yes.
- Well, who invited him? - You did.
- No, I didn't.
You asked Natalia to invite all the major European Ambassadors.
Well she shouldn't listen to me.
- Can we un-invite him? - No! Well, let's make sure he doesn't get a chance to chat up Jamatt.
Um We'll We'll seat him down here by the door.
So who's next to Jamatt? Someone who can finesse him.
I know who I'd use.
She hates him.
He put his hand on her bum while I was presenting my credentials.
Maybe I should get a helicopter tattooed on my arse.
A little reminder to your Mr Jamatt.
Seeing as that's what this evening's actually about.
Thank you so much for this.
I accept that there's a risk of another hand-on-bum event.
But there's no-one better at this than you.
Oh, forget helicopters.
Maybe I should just ask him to supply the hospital with some proper drugs.
Don't do that! Don't do that.
Please come through.
Please come in.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Um, it has sugar in and raisins - It's very sweet.
- Yeah, it is Yes.
Thank you so much for coming.
- It's nice to see you.
- How are you? Nice to see you.
Bye-bye.
Your Excellency.
Lovely to see you again.
Darling, you you remember Marc, the French Ambassador? - Jennifer.
- Marc.
- You are looking beautiful as ever.
- Thank you so much.
How delightful to be here.
You're not wearing your furry hunting hat tonight, Elmer? Ha! No.
- Petra.
- Hello.
Your Excellency.
Thank you so much for coming.
Delighted to be here.
Hello, Jennifer.
- Hello.
- Lovely outfit.
- Thank you so much.
- You know Marc, of course.
Ambassador.
How fares the euro? Oh And I hear there's to be some British entertainment tonight.
Beyond the cooking, that is.
Yes.
Outside, you can learn how to make a British pork pie.
And after dinner, I'm delighted to say that Stephen Pembridge will be performing his one-man adaptation - of Frankenstein.
- Not him again.
Haven't the British Council got anyone else they send? They put me through his Martin Chuzzlewit in Ankara last year.
It was longer than sorrow.
Ha! Um now, let me tempt you both with an Eccles cake.
What's this we're eating? It's, er, steak and kidney plov.
So long as it's not an ibex you might have shot.
No.
Jamatt, Neil was telling me that you're a father - with young children.
- Yes, I have an 18-month-old son.
Ah, congratulations.
That's such a lovely age, isn't it? Is that your first? In fact, there was something I wanted to ask your advice on, as a doctor and a mother.
Yes, of course.
- What's that? - It's about my boy.
He gets this rash.
I don't know how you say it in English.
Ladies and gentlemen In order to properly reflect the duality at the heart of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, I will be playing both the part of Dr Frankenstein, the experimental chemist At the University of Ingolstadt, I questioned whence did the principle of life proceed.
And I will also be playing the accursed Creature he creates.
Cursed Creator! I have g-g-glutted myself with shrieks and m-misery! This approach has never before been attempted.
I'm afraid that tomorrow, the courts will find your countryman, Mr Broughton, guilty of all 25 charges.
What does that mean? What will the sentence be? I'm sorry.
We have to make an example of him.
I am Genovese by birth, and my family benevolent smiles of pleasure as he regarded me.
I was their idol.
I was their plaything.
A helpless, innocent creature, bestowed on them from heaven! If you do, I swear by the power of love that b-b-b-burns in my heart, I will quit Chamonix for ever-r-r-r! Is this revenge for the hunting trip? - No, no, no, no.
That's not the end.
- Stephen, that was absolutely marvellous.
W-Why are they all going? I'm afraid there's been a serious diplomatic incident.
I travelled 5,000 miles to be here.
I know, and they're loving the show.
But a sudden crisis is always a possibility with this crowd.
Occupational hazard.
- Stephen, that was extraordinary.
- Yes, Stephen, that was amazing.
Now we must get you into the Iskfana nightlife.
It did go well, didn't it? Do you think my performance went well? Oh, yes.
Yes, I did it again, didn't I? Anyway, what seems to be the big crisis? I'd love to be able to tell you.
Oh, of course! Please.
Er, yeah.
Right.
Well, excuse me.
Thank you.
Oh, God! Well done for stopping that.
You were about to lose all influence in this country for ever.
I know.
Jamatt said you were Britain's secret weapon.
His son's got bad eczema.
I prescribed some steroid for him.
Brilliant.
Well done.
Dictators are always sentimental about their kids.
And in return, he has agreed to double my drugs budget.
Oh, that's great news.
Well done.
Of course he didn't.
He is arranging for you to see the President tomorrow morning for 20 minutes to talk about your nasty helicopters.
With the President? Thank you, darling.
You're amazing.
I am, aren't I? So how did it go? I think there were many aspects of this evening that would have appealed to you.
Hm.
It's not good, Neil.
Word's gone to the judge for the death penalty on this one.
They're pushing for beheading.
Well, we're gonna have to fight it, aren't we? If they want to they'll always do it eventually.
Your Excellency.
Thank you for agreeing to this meeting, Your Excellency.
You want to talk about your British helicopters, don't you, and tell me they are the best? This is fresh.
I killed it this morning.
So, I will tell you what the French have offered me.
Their vote in my World Cup bid $20 million in cash and a state visit from their President.
- Wow.
That's a lot of things.
- Yes.
Well, I hope you do choose to go with the British Contusion helicopters, because, yes, they really are much better than those French flying coffins.
Actually, Jamatt has told me I should grant you a favour and reject the French, choose the best helicopter.
I hope you do that.
But, actually, Your Excellency, I came here to ask you for something else.
Neil, hello.
Er, have have we heard about the helicopters? Just been announced.
The French got it.
Oh, no.
This stupid country.
How was last night? First of all, he tried to tell how to direct opera in Scandinavia.
And then he stuck his hand up my skirt.
- I hit him, Neil.
- Good.
- I hit him really hard.
- Great.
Do you wanna press a formal complaint? - Are you sure? - He's just A complete fucking arsehole, yes.
Well, he's out of here now.
You were great, Natalia.
Well done.
Simon, you have the Ambassador's wife to thank for your release.
If it wasn't for her intervention, you'd be facing a long stretch.
Possibly worse.
I'd happily have stayed in jail if it had brought the world's attention to this terrible regime.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
The Washington Post is hardly going to run a piece on someone who's just been released.
I've had a shit time, too.
I won't be doing an embassy show again.
My review of your embassy, Ambassador, would read, "Unwelcoming, unappreciative and underwhelming.
Avoid.
" I'm setting up a press conference the moment I land.
I'm going straight to the Foreign Secretary.
Mm.
Principles and values mean nothing to these people any more.
Sergei, please pull over.
You come out to this country expecting Her Majesty's Government to pay your way, feed you, get you pissed and drive you around.
And, in return, you give one of the worst performances of anything I have ever seen, and molest one of my staff.
I still have no idea who you really are, apart from some monstrously untalented sex tourist masquerading as a fifth-rate actor.
And, as for you, you shithead, if you want me to take you back to the prison, believe me, nothing would delight me more.
You have no idea what we're trying to achieve on a wider scale here, you ignore our advice, and then you expect our busy, underpaid, under-resourced, overworked staff to pick up the pieces when you inevitably fuck up and find yourself in the shit.
So, how's this - we help you, you say thank you, and then you clear off? Or, if that's beyond you, I'll leave you here and you can find your own way to the airport.
So which is it? Help, thank you, airport? Or rude twats, no help, walking? Help, thank you, airport, please.
Never come back here, either of you.
Good.
Next.
- Only one dwarf - singular.
- Ah.
Only one of the little fellas.
Excuse me, but I thought you'd like to see this.
Little piece in The Herald Tribune.
Unfortunately, it doesn't say what a tosser Simon Broughton is, but it does mention your name.
"British embassy instrumental in securing release" And people say the world isn't interested in Tazbekistan.
Oh, and Sergei says that a piano stool has arrived from Cairo.
But no piano? No.
Just the stool.
Ambassador's office.
Ye Yes, sir.
It's POD.
He says that you owe Britain $2 billion.
Will you excuse me a moment, Mrs Petrova?