American Gods (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
The Bone Orchard
1 (THUNDER RUMBLING) (PEN SCRATCHING) (CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) (WAVES CRASHING) NARRATOR: They were hungry, of course, having made their way through their stores of dried meat and salt fish days ago, even though carefully, professionally rationed.
(ROPES CREAKING) To a man they were expert seamen, yet no expertise can surmount a sea that does not wish you to reach shore.
Come on! Heave ho hum Until finally Heave ho hum Heave ho heave Heave ho hum Celebration was cut short.
The land reached was barren, rocky.
No food, no shelter.
Only biting insects and snakes.
When they set off, they dreamt of the riches they would accumulate, the fat-breasted women they would send for.
Their dreams changed to bread, roasted meats.
Even a salad would do.
(SHOUTING) Haah! Aah! (GRUNT) Regin! NARRATOR: Gods.
They did not yet have a word in their language for "miserable.
" They would have to invent one.
It was time to leave this accursed land, but their sails hung flabby as Grandmother's teat.
The wind did not wish them to leave.
They were becalmed astride hell.
Lucky they knew wind can be reasoned with.
The All-Father could intercede with the wind on their behalf, but they feared he would not know to look this far from home.
They would have to make him look.
(GRUNT) Aah! (GROWLING) Yaah! Yes.
Aah! (GROANING) Aah! (GROANING) But still no wind.
Heave ho Heave ho hum Heave (MAN SCREAMING) Heave ho hum Heave Heave Heave ho hum It was obvious now what was required.
After all, their god was a war god.
(SHOUTING) Haah! (WIND BLOWING) They left in a hurry, not bothering to sew their wounds or burn the dead.
And when they reached their home shores, not one of them ever set foot in a boat or spoke of that new world ever again.
Heave ho hum Over 100 years later, when Leif the Fortunate, son of Erik the Red, would rediscover that land, he found his god waiting along with his war.
Heave ho hum (BUZZER) MAN: Best thing, only good thing about being in prison, is the relief.
You don't worry if they're going to get you when they already got you.
Tomorrow can't do anything today hasn't already managed.
(GRUNT) Even better with a death sentence.
Bang.
Worst has already happened.
You get a few days to let it sink in, and then you're riding the cart on the way to do your dance on nothing.
This country went to hell when they stopped hanging folks.
No gallows dirt, no gallows deals.
(GRUNT) No gallows humor.
Yeah.
Funniest fucking shit in the world.
Ha ha! You know, I'm not superstitious.
I believe in plenty when there's reason and evidence to believe.
I don't believe in anything I can't see.
I feel like there's a fucking axe hanging over my head.
You know, I can't see it, but I believe it.
I can see it fine.
Prison has a way of trying to keep you in prison.
They'll do anything they can to keep you inside with them.
I smell snow.
(PHONE RINGING) (RINGS) WOMAN: Hello? I love you.
Something feels weird.
I love you, too.
What feels weird? I don't know.
Um the weather.
The air feels constipated, like if it'd just push out a storm, it'd be okay.
It's nice here.
The trees are budding.
There'll be leaves on them when you get back.
Five days.
120 hours till you're home.
Everything's okay there, right? Waiting for the sky to fall is going to cause more bother than the sky actually falling, which it isn't.
Yeah.
So nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.
Robbie's coming by.
We're planning your surprise party welcome home.
A surprise party? Which you know nothing about.
(LAUGHING) Not a thing.
I love you, puppy.
I love you, too.
(THUNDER CRASHING) I love you, puppy.
I love you, too, baby.
(THUNDER CRASHING) (BUZZER) MAN: Shadow Moon.
This way.
(KEYS CLANKING) (DOOR OPENS) (BUZZER) Oh.
Thank you for coming.
Sit down.
Please.
(SIGHS) Says here you were sentenced to six years for aggravated assault and battery.
- Yes, sir.
- Served three and were due to be released on Friday.
Shadow, we're going to be releasing you later this afternoon.
You'll be getting out a couple of days early.
(SIGH) There's no good way to say this, so I'll put it plain.
This came in from Johnson City Hospital in Eagle Point.
Your wife she died in the early hours of this morning.
Was a an automobile accident.
It's like one of them good-news, bad-news jokes, isn't it? Good news, we're letting you out early.
Bad news, your wife's dead.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
It's our policy.
I can't change your ticket from two days from now till today.
If you have to change your departure date from Friday to today, it's a $200 change fee plus the difference in fare.
- $200.
- Plus the difference in fare.
Do you have to travel today? I have to get to Eagle Point, yeah.
It's for a funeral.
Not without an original death certificate, and there's no emails, and there's no copies.
Do not piss off those bitches in airports.
Take a lesson from Johnnie Larch.
I don't know Johnnie Larch.
Johnnie Larch got out after five years.
He gets to the airport, hands his ticket to the woman at the counter, who asks for his driver's license.
He gives it to her.
She says, "It's expired.
" He says, "It might not be a valid drivers license, "but it is a damn fine identification.
"There's my picture, my weight, and my height.
Who the fuck do you think it is?" She says, "I'll thank you for not using that sort of language with me, sir.
" He says, "Give me my fucking boarding pass right fucking now.
" Now, he has the right to take that tone.
She was disrespecting him.
You don't let people disrespect you in prison.
Why the fuck would he let her disrespect him as a free man? Mm-mm.
She hit a button.
(IMITATING ALARM BUZZER) Security shows up.
He's back in prison.
You understand what I'm saying right now? One of those "behaviors that work "inside a specialized environment such as a prison but can fail to work when outside such an environment" - sort of situations.
- No, dummy.
I'm saying do not piss off those bitches in airports.
P.
A.
: This is the final boarding call for flight 226, Orlando.
Final boarding call, flight 226 How much for a flight tomorrow? Hey, Robbie.
Uh They tell me Laura's dead.
Let me out early.
Coming home.
MAN: I bought it.
I d I did! I did.
I-I've got to get to my son's christening.
Hmm? I I bought a first class ticket.
Sir, this isn't a first class ticket.
I I sent a check.
Look, th-there's th-there's my name.
I got to get back.
He was only born two days ago.
We We named him We We named him Sir, are you sure you're supposed to be traveling alone? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
My son always travels with me.
He takes care of everything, all the bills.
I've just got to get back for his christening, and everything will be all right.
You know what? He He'll take care of me.
We're gonna get you in First.
Get Just get him in First.
First class? Thank you.
Yeah, you're gonna go right in first class.
Okay? - Thank you.
- Don't worry anymore.
- Thank you.
- And mind your bag.
- Watch your step.
- Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Next.
So sorry.
Can you take your seat? This lady is sitting in it.
5D times two.
Now do you see the problem? I need you to take another seat.
Just point to one, and I'll take it.
Really? (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA) I guess this must be your lucky day, huh? Cashews.
Love 'em.
Native to Brazil but grow like motherfuckers in Florida.
Mm-hmm.
I'm supposed to take your drink, sir.
Yeah, but you're not going to, are you? Because you would have said "I need to take your drink, sir" or "I'm gonna have to take that drink, sir," neither of which happened.
So don't worry about it.
I'll hold her very tight while you pour my friend here a Jack and Coke and get me another one, hmm? - Flight attendants - Thank you.
prepare the cabin for departure.
Are you nervous? Uh, never flown before.
Nothing to it.
Just sit back and be a bird and drink up.
I offer you the worm from my beak, and you look at me like I fucked your mom? Sorry.
No.
It's You're just the first person I've talked to who wasn't an asshole.
Give me time.
Ohh.
Nice work on the upgrade.
Straight-up sympathy play, huh? It's risky.
Airlines are the ultimate clip joint.
They deserve that and worse.
What would you have done, my boy? Uh, good Samaritan.
You know, gentleman's curve, if I was a traveling man.
- Oh, which you are not.
- Mm-mm.
No, sir, not me.
Seems like a firm decision made for good reasons.
I can respect that.
A man gets out of prison, he should concentrate above all on not going back.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I got an eye for these things.
Just the one, but I can see that you're not used to the fresh air, but I don't see the joy of being out.
Also, you lost something vital in there, not just time.
What should I call you if I were so inclined? Shadow Moon.
Oh, my boy, that is one outstandingly improbable name.
Shadow Moon.
Moon Shadow.
Goddamn hippie parents.
Hippie parent.
Mama had a big afro, huh? "Dancing Queen," hmm? Yeah.
She had the whole kit.
And if I was inclined, what might I call you? What's today? Wednesday.
Hmm.
Today's my day.
Let's go with that, huh? Thank you so much, darling.
P.
A.
: Ladies and gentleman please remain - Ah.
- Thanks.
Hmm.
Always good to meet a fellow traveler, Shadow Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
But when you were, what was your downfall? Uh, casinos.
Oh, bang-bang.
Big time, huh? Yeah, and some small time.
All right.
- Hmm? - Ah! (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah.
Better at the small than big.
Ah, you got more talent than me.
I got two.
One is I can sleep anywhere, any time.
The other one is that I usually end up getting what I want on average, over time.
It's all about getting people to believe in you.
It's not their cash, it's their faith.
(RATTLING) Well, take this plane, for example.
This 80-ton chub of metal, seat cushions, and Bloody Mary mix has no right to be soaring through the sky, but along comes Newton explaining something about the air flow over the wing creating an uplift or some such shit, none of which makes a lick of sense, but you got 82 passengers back there who believe it so fiercely, the plane continues its journey safely.
Now, what's keeping us aloft? Faith or Newton? Mm.
They give you a free little shit kit in first class.
You might not have known that.
How are you fixed for work? Who needs work when you're rich, huh? Well, I just happens to be in a hiring position.
And I could be Mr.
Wednesday with a shake of the hand.
I mean, perfectly legal work, for the most part.
Good money, open roads, no aggravation well, a little bit by and by, but, uh, you know, I would have no hesitation hiring an ex-con.
Don't rush into this.
Take your time, hmm? No, thank you, but I already have a job waiting for me - at my buddy's gym.
- No you don't.
I could use a fellow like you.
There's always work for a big guy who's smart enough to know he's better off letting people think he's dumb.
Oh, and by the way, did I mention the bonuses? Outstanding benefits.
I'll even throw in a pension if you'd like, and I can tell you what the fuck a pension is.
Hell, by the end of your tenure, you could be the next king of America.
And I told you, I got a job.
Ah, of course, of course.
Anyway, as a wise man once said, a man gets out of prison, he should be focused above all on not going back.
Ah.
Don't rush into it.
Ah.
(THUNDER CRASHING) (SIGHS) (THUNDER CONTINUES) (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS) Believe.
Sir? Sir? Oh, great.
I slept through first class.
Sorry we had to make an emergency landing.
Can't blame us for the weather.
I can get you on a flight tomorrow that'll get you into Eagle Point by 6.
How many miles is it from here? Torture Torture Baby, you're torturing me So if you love me, let me know But if you don't, please let me go Torture Torture Baby, you're torturing me You know that I'm crazy about you Yet you make me do without you (SCREAMING) You're torturing me Torturing me I've only been on three other dates from the computer.
I-I don't think I have the talent for it.
But meeting you I'm glad my kids forced me into getting on that stupid thing.
You like me? Are you sure? I want to see you again.
I know.
I mean, w-we can wait and do it then.
We will.
Light that for me, would you? I'm not what I once was.
You're perfect.
You don't think I'm spent? You're the sexiest goddamn thing I've ever gotten to touch for free.
I'm so I don't know what I'm doing.
What man does? Let me (MOANING) Don't let go.
Not yet.
Do something for me.
Worship me.
Stay here with your words with your body.
Worship me.
Pray to me like I'm your god.
Your goddess.
Don't know how.
Uh, you feel so good.
(PANTING) I could keep fucking you forever.
Worship me.
Say my name.
Bilquis.
- Again! - Bilquis.
Bilquisss.
Beloved.
I worship your breasts and your eyes and your cunt, and I worship your thighs and your eyes and your cherry-red lips.
Ohh, Daughter of the South.
Stone queen on a throne of honey.
Secret owner of all gold.
I am yours, my beloved Bilquis.
Queens and concubines and maidens hide their faces in shame before you because you are the mother of all beauty.
Trees bow, and warriors fall.
Give me your blessing.
Ohh! I bow my head before you and worship you.
Oh, my God, that's incredible.
What are you doing? Don't stop, honey.
Ohh.
I offer you everything my money, my blood, my life! Please, I pray that you give me your gift, your one pure gift that I might always be so, so Go on! Let go! Give me everything.
All that I have! Everything! Gift me your body.
(GASPING) I love you.
Hello, kitty.
What can I get you? Uh, what can I get for next to nothing? Uh, Buffalo Burger's great.
Chili's better.
Both together will make a happy man.
Yeah.
My wife makes a great chili.
Well you ain't ever had chili like this, kitty.
I got the best chili in the state.
I can't afford both and gas money.
Oh, sure you can.
Just don't make a mess, and stiff me on the tip.
Permission granted.
WEDNESDAY: Not that rushing into things can't be a good thing.
(FLUSH) Sex rushed into tends to work out best for all involved.
Marriages oh, I grant, they merit an extra moment's consideration.
Oh, apologies, amigo.
Insensitive of me to talk about marriage.
I am truly, deeply sorry about your wife.
Nice obituary, though, I thought.
Hmm? Okay, I said fuck off politely as many ways as I'm gonna.
Now I'm fixing to be direct.
Don't you want to ask me about the job? I don't want your fucking job.
Ask me about the job.
I thought you'd want to reconsider on account of your friend Robbie's condition and on account of you being broke.
(THUMP) What about his condition? The fuck do you know about Robbie? More than you, it seems.
Robbie Burton is dead.
Page 7.
(DOOR CLOSES) My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire My grandma told your grandma "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" - Talkin' 'bout hey now - Hey now - Hey now - Hey now Iko iko an dey You're right.
I'm broke.
I don't have a job.
But you know, I'm not gonna work for anyone who's got worse luck than me, so call.
If I win, you work for me? Yeah.
Heads.
Tails.
I rigged the toss.
Rigged games are the easiest to beat.
It is always going to be tails because I don't want to work for you.
You're a little creepy, and you're forward and familiar, and I don't like it.
I don't like you.
It's not always going to be tails.
See that guy all dressed in green? Iko iko an dey He's not a man We'll negotiate the terms of your employment over a drink.
- Hey now - Hey now Iko iko an dey Jockamo feeno ah na ney Jockamo feena ney (SCOFF) Tails.
Every fucking time.
Coin tricks, is it? You're working for our man, then.
Who are you? I'm a leprechaun.
Okay, you're a little tall for a leprechaun.
That's a stereotype and represents a very narrow view of the world.
So what, you're from Ireland? I told you I'm a leprechaun.
We don't come from Moscow, Russia.
Or Moscow, Idaho, for that matter.
How much has our man told you? No details.
Devil's in the details.
Do you know who he is? Who he really is? Well, I never.
Mad Sweeney as I live and breathe.
What a surprise.
Southern Comfort and Coke for you.
Jack Daniel's for me.
And these are for you, Shadow Moon.
What is it? Ohh.
Tastes like prison hooch, brewed in a garbage bag with rotten fruit.
But sweeter, smoother, stranger.
It's mead honey wine.
Drink of heroes, drink of the gods.
Tastes like a drunken diabetic's piss.
It's a tradition.
It seals our bargain.
We don't have a bargain.
Of course we do.
I won the toss.
You work for me now.
You're my aide-de-camp.
My castellan.
Protect and serve.
You drive where needs driving to.
You take care of things generally on my behalf.
And in an emergency, and in an emergency only, you kick the asses of those whose asses require kicking.
And in the unlikely event of my death, you will hold my vigil.
He's hustling you.
He's a hustler.
Damn right I'm a hustler, swindler, cheater, and liar.
That's why I need assistance.
Fine.
You've told me what you want, but you want to know what I want? Of course I do.
Name your price.
I just want to go to my wife's funeral.
Okay? I just want to say goodbye.
Now after that, yeah, fine, I'll work for you for $2,000 a week.
You want me to hurt people? Well, I'll hurt people if they try and hurt you.
I'm not gonna hurt anyone for fun or profit.
I'll work for you up to which point you start to piss me off, and then I'm gone.
Good.
We have a compact.
The second seals the deal, the third is the charm, and we're done.
Hmm.
(CLINK) There.
You're my man now.
(CHUCKLE) Ah.
It'll be heads.
Well, if it's coin tricks we're doing watch this.
Now that's a coin trick for you.
How'd you do it? With panache.
So what, you loaded coins up your sleeves? Sounds like a lot of work to me.
It's easier just to pluck them out of the air.
Simplest trick in the world.
How'd you do it? Tell you what.
I'll fight you for it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ahh.
Come on.
I'm not fighting you.
Real gold, if you're wondering.
Win or lose, and you're gonna lose.
It's yours if you fight me.
He said he doesn't want to fight you.
Come on.
Big fella like you.
Who'd have thought you'd be a fucking coward? (SNIFFING) Whiff of death on the page.
(CHUCKLING, SNORT) Laura Moon.
Oh.
Is Is this your old lady's obituary? She was a fine piece of Hey, everybody! There's gonna be a lesson learned! Watch this.
(GRUNT) (PANTING) Atta boy.
Now you're fighting for the joy of it, for the sheer unholy fucking delight of it! Raah! (SHOUTING) Raah! Ha ha ha ha ha! Can you feel the joy rising in your veins like the sap in the springtime? We're done.
It ain't over till I say it is.
Raah! You may have drank a lot.
Let it come back to you.
So what do you know, huh? I know I'm in pain.
Oh.
And I know I recently said yes to something stupid.
That may be true.
Did he teach me that trick? You know, I believe he did.
Don't suppose you heard him.
No such luck.
Where's my car? Oh, I dumped it.
Red's not your color, and don't get used to this.
You're going to be driving Betty here from now on.
I just thought you could use some sleep.
It's not every day a man gets to bury his wife.
I have preparations and communications to keep me busy enough, after which I will entertain myself.
Now I'll tell you this once and once only ever.
Take all the time you need.
Nearer my God to thee Hello, Shadow.
It's nice to see you.
Did you escape, or did they, uh, they let you out? Audrey.
Well, not the reunion you were hoping for.
Well, she looks pretty.
They did a hell of a job reconstructing her face and neck.
I think that and the coffin just killed your savings.
All so you could have that nice open casket, get one last look at her pretty face.
I'm sorry about Robbie, okay? He was a really good friend, and I know he loved you like crazy.
So did Laura.
Oh shit, Shadow.
No one told you? She died with my husband's cock in her mouth.
My girl, my girl Don't lie to me Tell me where did you sleep last night? In the pines, in the pines Where the sun never shines We'll shiver the whole night through My daddy was a railroad man Killed a mile and a half from here His head was found In a driver's wheel His body has never been found What did you do, Laura? And what was it? Was it a one-time thing the night before I got back? Ah, that's that's a "We're in this together" thing.
W-Was it love? Because if you were going to leave, you could have just told me, okay? I could've taken it.
You know, I had a surprise for you.
I read when I was in.
Mainly history.
Six books a week for three years.
813 books.
8 and 13 Fibonacci numbers.
And I know that why? Because four of them were about math.
I like math.
Who knew? I just wanted to come back better than when I went in for you.
I wanted to be a part of your history.
God damn it, Laura.
(SLURRED SPEECH THROUGHOUT) Two funerals in a day husband and best friend.
You skipped Robbie's.
That's fair.
- Audrey - I was yelling at mine, too.
It doesn't do any good.
It's just anger makes you feel like you can change the outcome.
But there's no arguing with dead, no debate, because dead wins ten out of ten.
So I pissed on him.
How long were they Not sure.
Long time, now that I put things together.
Late nights, daytime showers.
Dickless piece of shit.
That's not an epithet.
That is a literal description.
Severed at the root in the crash.
Coroner had the nerve to ask me what I wanted him to do with it.
I told him leave it where he found it.
Relax.
They didn't bury Laura with it still in her mouth.
I had them put it somewhere special.
Don't listen to me, Shadow.
I lost count on the Ativan.
I'm interrupting.
You were saying your piece.
No, I'm not.
People did enough talking today.
I think someone might've actually said she's in a better place.
She's in Parkview Cemetery.
Target would be more interesting than here.
If there isn't some kind of life after death, I'm going to be so pissed.
Kicked fucking puppy.
I hated you guys as a couple because of this, the way that you looked at her.
Robbie did his best to avoid looking at me.
Get used to the boot, puppy.
There is no closure from the dead.
Maybe, you know, three years from now, some therapist will tell you, uh, to write her a letter saying everything you wish you could say to her and drop it in the ocean.
And maybe it'll help.
It won't help.
I'm sorry for your loss, Shadow.
I really am.
(SOB) Anyone tell you that yet? I'm not sure.
Anyone even hug you? Shit.
Well, you just got out of prison.
You haven't been hugged in how long? I read that's a thing with ex-cons, forgetting what it's like just to feel someone.
Oh, shit.
You You worked out in prison.
(CHUCKLE) I have a proposal for closure for us both.
- Audrey - No, no.
Hear me out.
This is a good one.
Lex talionis.
An eye for an eye, blow job for a blow job, right here where they can see us.
I appreciate the offer, but My husband and your wife my best friend I want them to see it.
I want Robbie to watch while I take this gorgeous man's cock in my mouth.
Pissing on him wasn't enough.
I want you to come in my mouth, I'm going to spit it on his grave.
Jesus, who knew I could be so angry? No, no, no, no.
Stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
You're right.
Fuck me already.
Oh.
Don't, Audrey.
Audrey, don't.
I can't do this.
I am trying to get my dignity back here! Look, hold on.
Wait.
Audrey! (SOBBING) (INSECT WINGS FLUTTERING) (FLUTTERING STOPS) Hello, Shadow.
Don't fuck with me.
Okay.
I won't.
Uh, but if you could just drop me off - at the Motel America - Hit him.
See, I said don't fuck with me.
Now that, that was fucking with me.
Keep your answers short and to the point, or I will fucking kill you, or maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just have The Children here break every bone in your fucking body.
So don't fuck with me.
Got it.
You're working for Wednesday.
Yeah.
- Smoke? - No, thank you.
(COUGHING) Well, it's not tobacco, and it ain't weed.
Smells like an appliance fire.
Synthetic toad skins.
Hmm.
What the fuck is Wednesday after? What's he doing here? There's got to be a plan.
What's the game plan, man? I started working for Mr.
Wednesday this morning.
How auspicious.
You must be special.
No, I'm just an errand boy.
Is that all? (COUGHING) Wednesday is history.
Forgotten and old.
He should just let it happen.
We are the future, and we don't give a fuck about him or anyone else like him anymore.
They are consigned to the dumpster.
Now we have reprogrammed reality.
Language is a virus.
Religion, an operating system, and prayers are just so much fucking spam.
Okay, w-well, y-you're saying all this like I'm supposed to know what the fuck you're talking about.
The dominant fucking paradigm, Shadow.
That is the only important thing.
Oh, by the way, I was sorry to hear about your wife.
Tough break.
Thanks.
So I will ask again.
What is it Wednesday is up to? We barely exchanged a dozen words.
But you can let me out here and then I'll walk the rest of the way.
You're saying that you don't know? Telling you I don't know.
Would you tell me even if you did? Probably not.
As you say, I work for Mr.
Wednesday.
Well, then why the fuck am I wasting my time sitting here talking to you? You know, I was curious myself how long you would go on sucking your own dick.
Kill him.
We're not just going to kill you, Shadow.
We're going to delete you.
One click, and you are overwritten.
Undelete that is not an option.
Aah! (CROW CAWS)
(ROPES CREAKING) To a man they were expert seamen, yet no expertise can surmount a sea that does not wish you to reach shore.
Come on! Heave ho hum Until finally Heave ho hum Heave ho heave Heave ho hum Celebration was cut short.
The land reached was barren, rocky.
No food, no shelter.
Only biting insects and snakes.
When they set off, they dreamt of the riches they would accumulate, the fat-breasted women they would send for.
Their dreams changed to bread, roasted meats.
Even a salad would do.
(SHOUTING) Haah! Aah! (GRUNT) Regin! NARRATOR: Gods.
They did not yet have a word in their language for "miserable.
" They would have to invent one.
It was time to leave this accursed land, but their sails hung flabby as Grandmother's teat.
The wind did not wish them to leave.
They were becalmed astride hell.
Lucky they knew wind can be reasoned with.
The All-Father could intercede with the wind on their behalf, but they feared he would not know to look this far from home.
They would have to make him look.
(GRUNT) Aah! (GROWLING) Yaah! Yes.
Aah! (GROANING) Aah! (GROANING) But still no wind.
Heave ho Heave ho hum Heave (MAN SCREAMING) Heave ho hum Heave Heave Heave ho hum It was obvious now what was required.
After all, their god was a war god.
(SHOUTING) Haah! (WIND BLOWING) They left in a hurry, not bothering to sew their wounds or burn the dead.
And when they reached their home shores, not one of them ever set foot in a boat or spoke of that new world ever again.
Heave ho hum Over 100 years later, when Leif the Fortunate, son of Erik the Red, would rediscover that land, he found his god waiting along with his war.
Heave ho hum (BUZZER) MAN: Best thing, only good thing about being in prison, is the relief.
You don't worry if they're going to get you when they already got you.
Tomorrow can't do anything today hasn't already managed.
(GRUNT) Even better with a death sentence.
Bang.
Worst has already happened.
You get a few days to let it sink in, and then you're riding the cart on the way to do your dance on nothing.
This country went to hell when they stopped hanging folks.
No gallows dirt, no gallows deals.
(GRUNT) No gallows humor.
Yeah.
Funniest fucking shit in the world.
Ha ha! You know, I'm not superstitious.
I believe in plenty when there's reason and evidence to believe.
I don't believe in anything I can't see.
I feel like there's a fucking axe hanging over my head.
You know, I can't see it, but I believe it.
I can see it fine.
Prison has a way of trying to keep you in prison.
They'll do anything they can to keep you inside with them.
I smell snow.
(PHONE RINGING) (RINGS) WOMAN: Hello? I love you.
Something feels weird.
I love you, too.
What feels weird? I don't know.
Um the weather.
The air feels constipated, like if it'd just push out a storm, it'd be okay.
It's nice here.
The trees are budding.
There'll be leaves on them when you get back.
Five days.
120 hours till you're home.
Everything's okay there, right? Waiting for the sky to fall is going to cause more bother than the sky actually falling, which it isn't.
Yeah.
So nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.
Robbie's coming by.
We're planning your surprise party welcome home.
A surprise party? Which you know nothing about.
(LAUGHING) Not a thing.
I love you, puppy.
I love you, too.
(THUNDER CRASHING) I love you, puppy.
I love you, too, baby.
(THUNDER CRASHING) (BUZZER) MAN: Shadow Moon.
This way.
(KEYS CLANKING) (DOOR OPENS) (BUZZER) Oh.
Thank you for coming.
Sit down.
Please.
(SIGHS) Says here you were sentenced to six years for aggravated assault and battery.
- Yes, sir.
- Served three and were due to be released on Friday.
Shadow, we're going to be releasing you later this afternoon.
You'll be getting out a couple of days early.
(SIGH) There's no good way to say this, so I'll put it plain.
This came in from Johnson City Hospital in Eagle Point.
Your wife she died in the early hours of this morning.
Was a an automobile accident.
It's like one of them good-news, bad-news jokes, isn't it? Good news, we're letting you out early.
Bad news, your wife's dead.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
It's our policy.
I can't change your ticket from two days from now till today.
If you have to change your departure date from Friday to today, it's a $200 change fee plus the difference in fare.
- $200.
- Plus the difference in fare.
Do you have to travel today? I have to get to Eagle Point, yeah.
It's for a funeral.
Not without an original death certificate, and there's no emails, and there's no copies.
Do not piss off those bitches in airports.
Take a lesson from Johnnie Larch.
I don't know Johnnie Larch.
Johnnie Larch got out after five years.
He gets to the airport, hands his ticket to the woman at the counter, who asks for his driver's license.
He gives it to her.
She says, "It's expired.
" He says, "It might not be a valid drivers license, "but it is a damn fine identification.
"There's my picture, my weight, and my height.
Who the fuck do you think it is?" She says, "I'll thank you for not using that sort of language with me, sir.
" He says, "Give me my fucking boarding pass right fucking now.
" Now, he has the right to take that tone.
She was disrespecting him.
You don't let people disrespect you in prison.
Why the fuck would he let her disrespect him as a free man? Mm-mm.
She hit a button.
(IMITATING ALARM BUZZER) Security shows up.
He's back in prison.
You understand what I'm saying right now? One of those "behaviors that work "inside a specialized environment such as a prison but can fail to work when outside such an environment" - sort of situations.
- No, dummy.
I'm saying do not piss off those bitches in airports.
P.
A.
: This is the final boarding call for flight 226, Orlando.
Final boarding call, flight 226 How much for a flight tomorrow? Hey, Robbie.
Uh They tell me Laura's dead.
Let me out early.
Coming home.
MAN: I bought it.
I d I did! I did.
I-I've got to get to my son's christening.
Hmm? I I bought a first class ticket.
Sir, this isn't a first class ticket.
I I sent a check.
Look, th-there's th-there's my name.
I got to get back.
He was only born two days ago.
We We named him We We named him Sir, are you sure you're supposed to be traveling alone? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
My son always travels with me.
He takes care of everything, all the bills.
I've just got to get back for his christening, and everything will be all right.
You know what? He He'll take care of me.
We're gonna get you in First.
Get Just get him in First.
First class? Thank you.
Yeah, you're gonna go right in first class.
Okay? - Thank you.
- Don't worry anymore.
- Thank you.
- And mind your bag.
- Watch your step.
- Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Next.
So sorry.
Can you take your seat? This lady is sitting in it.
5D times two.
Now do you see the problem? I need you to take another seat.
Just point to one, and I'll take it.
Really? (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA) I guess this must be your lucky day, huh? Cashews.
Love 'em.
Native to Brazil but grow like motherfuckers in Florida.
Mm-hmm.
I'm supposed to take your drink, sir.
Yeah, but you're not going to, are you? Because you would have said "I need to take your drink, sir" or "I'm gonna have to take that drink, sir," neither of which happened.
So don't worry about it.
I'll hold her very tight while you pour my friend here a Jack and Coke and get me another one, hmm? - Flight attendants - Thank you.
prepare the cabin for departure.
Are you nervous? Uh, never flown before.
Nothing to it.
Just sit back and be a bird and drink up.
I offer you the worm from my beak, and you look at me like I fucked your mom? Sorry.
No.
It's You're just the first person I've talked to who wasn't an asshole.
Give me time.
Ohh.
Nice work on the upgrade.
Straight-up sympathy play, huh? It's risky.
Airlines are the ultimate clip joint.
They deserve that and worse.
What would you have done, my boy? Uh, good Samaritan.
You know, gentleman's curve, if I was a traveling man.
- Oh, which you are not.
- Mm-mm.
No, sir, not me.
Seems like a firm decision made for good reasons.
I can respect that.
A man gets out of prison, he should concentrate above all on not going back.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I got an eye for these things.
Just the one, but I can see that you're not used to the fresh air, but I don't see the joy of being out.
Also, you lost something vital in there, not just time.
What should I call you if I were so inclined? Shadow Moon.
Oh, my boy, that is one outstandingly improbable name.
Shadow Moon.
Moon Shadow.
Goddamn hippie parents.
Hippie parent.
Mama had a big afro, huh? "Dancing Queen," hmm? Yeah.
She had the whole kit.
And if I was inclined, what might I call you? What's today? Wednesday.
Hmm.
Today's my day.
Let's go with that, huh? Thank you so much, darling.
P.
A.
: Ladies and gentleman please remain - Ah.
- Thanks.
Hmm.
Always good to meet a fellow traveler, Shadow Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
But when you were, what was your downfall? Uh, casinos.
Oh, bang-bang.
Big time, huh? Yeah, and some small time.
All right.
- Hmm? - Ah! (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah.
Better at the small than big.
Ah, you got more talent than me.
I got two.
One is I can sleep anywhere, any time.
The other one is that I usually end up getting what I want on average, over time.
It's all about getting people to believe in you.
It's not their cash, it's their faith.
(RATTLING) Well, take this plane, for example.
This 80-ton chub of metal, seat cushions, and Bloody Mary mix has no right to be soaring through the sky, but along comes Newton explaining something about the air flow over the wing creating an uplift or some such shit, none of which makes a lick of sense, but you got 82 passengers back there who believe it so fiercely, the plane continues its journey safely.
Now, what's keeping us aloft? Faith or Newton? Mm.
They give you a free little shit kit in first class.
You might not have known that.
How are you fixed for work? Who needs work when you're rich, huh? Well, I just happens to be in a hiring position.
And I could be Mr.
Wednesday with a shake of the hand.
I mean, perfectly legal work, for the most part.
Good money, open roads, no aggravation well, a little bit by and by, but, uh, you know, I would have no hesitation hiring an ex-con.
Don't rush into this.
Take your time, hmm? No, thank you, but I already have a job waiting for me - at my buddy's gym.
- No you don't.
I could use a fellow like you.
There's always work for a big guy who's smart enough to know he's better off letting people think he's dumb.
Oh, and by the way, did I mention the bonuses? Outstanding benefits.
I'll even throw in a pension if you'd like, and I can tell you what the fuck a pension is.
Hell, by the end of your tenure, you could be the next king of America.
And I told you, I got a job.
Ah, of course, of course.
Anyway, as a wise man once said, a man gets out of prison, he should be focused above all on not going back.
Ah.
Don't rush into it.
Ah.
(THUNDER CRASHING) (SIGHS) (THUNDER CONTINUES) (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS) Believe.
Sir? Sir? Oh, great.
I slept through first class.
Sorry we had to make an emergency landing.
Can't blame us for the weather.
I can get you on a flight tomorrow that'll get you into Eagle Point by 6.
How many miles is it from here? Torture Torture Baby, you're torturing me So if you love me, let me know But if you don't, please let me go Torture Torture Baby, you're torturing me You know that I'm crazy about you Yet you make me do without you (SCREAMING) You're torturing me Torturing me I've only been on three other dates from the computer.
I-I don't think I have the talent for it.
But meeting you I'm glad my kids forced me into getting on that stupid thing.
You like me? Are you sure? I want to see you again.
I know.
I mean, w-we can wait and do it then.
We will.
Light that for me, would you? I'm not what I once was.
You're perfect.
You don't think I'm spent? You're the sexiest goddamn thing I've ever gotten to touch for free.
I'm so I don't know what I'm doing.
What man does? Let me (MOANING) Don't let go.
Not yet.
Do something for me.
Worship me.
Stay here with your words with your body.
Worship me.
Pray to me like I'm your god.
Your goddess.
Don't know how.
Uh, you feel so good.
(PANTING) I could keep fucking you forever.
Worship me.
Say my name.
Bilquis.
- Again! - Bilquis.
Bilquisss.
Beloved.
I worship your breasts and your eyes and your cunt, and I worship your thighs and your eyes and your cherry-red lips.
Ohh, Daughter of the South.
Stone queen on a throne of honey.
Secret owner of all gold.
I am yours, my beloved Bilquis.
Queens and concubines and maidens hide their faces in shame before you because you are the mother of all beauty.
Trees bow, and warriors fall.
Give me your blessing.
Ohh! I bow my head before you and worship you.
Oh, my God, that's incredible.
What are you doing? Don't stop, honey.
Ohh.
I offer you everything my money, my blood, my life! Please, I pray that you give me your gift, your one pure gift that I might always be so, so Go on! Let go! Give me everything.
All that I have! Everything! Gift me your body.
(GASPING) I love you.
Hello, kitty.
What can I get you? Uh, what can I get for next to nothing? Uh, Buffalo Burger's great.
Chili's better.
Both together will make a happy man.
Yeah.
My wife makes a great chili.
Well you ain't ever had chili like this, kitty.
I got the best chili in the state.
I can't afford both and gas money.
Oh, sure you can.
Just don't make a mess, and stiff me on the tip.
Permission granted.
WEDNESDAY: Not that rushing into things can't be a good thing.
(FLUSH) Sex rushed into tends to work out best for all involved.
Marriages oh, I grant, they merit an extra moment's consideration.
Oh, apologies, amigo.
Insensitive of me to talk about marriage.
I am truly, deeply sorry about your wife.
Nice obituary, though, I thought.
Hmm? Okay, I said fuck off politely as many ways as I'm gonna.
Now I'm fixing to be direct.
Don't you want to ask me about the job? I don't want your fucking job.
Ask me about the job.
I thought you'd want to reconsider on account of your friend Robbie's condition and on account of you being broke.
(THUMP) What about his condition? The fuck do you know about Robbie? More than you, it seems.
Robbie Burton is dead.
Page 7.
(DOOR CLOSES) My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire My grandma told your grandma "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" - Talkin' 'bout hey now - Hey now - Hey now - Hey now Iko iko an dey You're right.
I'm broke.
I don't have a job.
But you know, I'm not gonna work for anyone who's got worse luck than me, so call.
If I win, you work for me? Yeah.
Heads.
Tails.
I rigged the toss.
Rigged games are the easiest to beat.
It is always going to be tails because I don't want to work for you.
You're a little creepy, and you're forward and familiar, and I don't like it.
I don't like you.
It's not always going to be tails.
See that guy all dressed in green? Iko iko an dey He's not a man We'll negotiate the terms of your employment over a drink.
- Hey now - Hey now Iko iko an dey Jockamo feeno ah na ney Jockamo feena ney (SCOFF) Tails.
Every fucking time.
Coin tricks, is it? You're working for our man, then.
Who are you? I'm a leprechaun.
Okay, you're a little tall for a leprechaun.
That's a stereotype and represents a very narrow view of the world.
So what, you're from Ireland? I told you I'm a leprechaun.
We don't come from Moscow, Russia.
Or Moscow, Idaho, for that matter.
How much has our man told you? No details.
Devil's in the details.
Do you know who he is? Who he really is? Well, I never.
Mad Sweeney as I live and breathe.
What a surprise.
Southern Comfort and Coke for you.
Jack Daniel's for me.
And these are for you, Shadow Moon.
What is it? Ohh.
Tastes like prison hooch, brewed in a garbage bag with rotten fruit.
But sweeter, smoother, stranger.
It's mead honey wine.
Drink of heroes, drink of the gods.
Tastes like a drunken diabetic's piss.
It's a tradition.
It seals our bargain.
We don't have a bargain.
Of course we do.
I won the toss.
You work for me now.
You're my aide-de-camp.
My castellan.
Protect and serve.
You drive where needs driving to.
You take care of things generally on my behalf.
And in an emergency, and in an emergency only, you kick the asses of those whose asses require kicking.
And in the unlikely event of my death, you will hold my vigil.
He's hustling you.
He's a hustler.
Damn right I'm a hustler, swindler, cheater, and liar.
That's why I need assistance.
Fine.
You've told me what you want, but you want to know what I want? Of course I do.
Name your price.
I just want to go to my wife's funeral.
Okay? I just want to say goodbye.
Now after that, yeah, fine, I'll work for you for $2,000 a week.
You want me to hurt people? Well, I'll hurt people if they try and hurt you.
I'm not gonna hurt anyone for fun or profit.
I'll work for you up to which point you start to piss me off, and then I'm gone.
Good.
We have a compact.
The second seals the deal, the third is the charm, and we're done.
Hmm.
(CLINK) There.
You're my man now.
(CHUCKLE) Ah.
It'll be heads.
Well, if it's coin tricks we're doing watch this.
Now that's a coin trick for you.
How'd you do it? With panache.
So what, you loaded coins up your sleeves? Sounds like a lot of work to me.
It's easier just to pluck them out of the air.
Simplest trick in the world.
How'd you do it? Tell you what.
I'll fight you for it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ahh.
Come on.
I'm not fighting you.
Real gold, if you're wondering.
Win or lose, and you're gonna lose.
It's yours if you fight me.
He said he doesn't want to fight you.
Come on.
Big fella like you.
Who'd have thought you'd be a fucking coward? (SNIFFING) Whiff of death on the page.
(CHUCKLING, SNORT) Laura Moon.
Oh.
Is Is this your old lady's obituary? She was a fine piece of Hey, everybody! There's gonna be a lesson learned! Watch this.
(GRUNT) (PANTING) Atta boy.
Now you're fighting for the joy of it, for the sheer unholy fucking delight of it! Raah! (SHOUTING) Raah! Ha ha ha ha ha! Can you feel the joy rising in your veins like the sap in the springtime? We're done.
It ain't over till I say it is.
Raah! You may have drank a lot.
Let it come back to you.
So what do you know, huh? I know I'm in pain.
Oh.
And I know I recently said yes to something stupid.
That may be true.
Did he teach me that trick? You know, I believe he did.
Don't suppose you heard him.
No such luck.
Where's my car? Oh, I dumped it.
Red's not your color, and don't get used to this.
You're going to be driving Betty here from now on.
I just thought you could use some sleep.
It's not every day a man gets to bury his wife.
I have preparations and communications to keep me busy enough, after which I will entertain myself.
Now I'll tell you this once and once only ever.
Take all the time you need.
Nearer my God to thee Hello, Shadow.
It's nice to see you.
Did you escape, or did they, uh, they let you out? Audrey.
Well, not the reunion you were hoping for.
Well, she looks pretty.
They did a hell of a job reconstructing her face and neck.
I think that and the coffin just killed your savings.
All so you could have that nice open casket, get one last look at her pretty face.
I'm sorry about Robbie, okay? He was a really good friend, and I know he loved you like crazy.
So did Laura.
Oh shit, Shadow.
No one told you? She died with my husband's cock in her mouth.
My girl, my girl Don't lie to me Tell me where did you sleep last night? In the pines, in the pines Where the sun never shines We'll shiver the whole night through My daddy was a railroad man Killed a mile and a half from here His head was found In a driver's wheel His body has never been found What did you do, Laura? And what was it? Was it a one-time thing the night before I got back? Ah, that's that's a "We're in this together" thing.
W-Was it love? Because if you were going to leave, you could have just told me, okay? I could've taken it.
You know, I had a surprise for you.
I read when I was in.
Mainly history.
Six books a week for three years.
813 books.
8 and 13 Fibonacci numbers.
And I know that why? Because four of them were about math.
I like math.
Who knew? I just wanted to come back better than when I went in for you.
I wanted to be a part of your history.
God damn it, Laura.
(SLURRED SPEECH THROUGHOUT) Two funerals in a day husband and best friend.
You skipped Robbie's.
That's fair.
- Audrey - I was yelling at mine, too.
It doesn't do any good.
It's just anger makes you feel like you can change the outcome.
But there's no arguing with dead, no debate, because dead wins ten out of ten.
So I pissed on him.
How long were they Not sure.
Long time, now that I put things together.
Late nights, daytime showers.
Dickless piece of shit.
That's not an epithet.
That is a literal description.
Severed at the root in the crash.
Coroner had the nerve to ask me what I wanted him to do with it.
I told him leave it where he found it.
Relax.
They didn't bury Laura with it still in her mouth.
I had them put it somewhere special.
Don't listen to me, Shadow.
I lost count on the Ativan.
I'm interrupting.
You were saying your piece.
No, I'm not.
People did enough talking today.
I think someone might've actually said she's in a better place.
She's in Parkview Cemetery.
Target would be more interesting than here.
If there isn't some kind of life after death, I'm going to be so pissed.
Kicked fucking puppy.
I hated you guys as a couple because of this, the way that you looked at her.
Robbie did his best to avoid looking at me.
Get used to the boot, puppy.
There is no closure from the dead.
Maybe, you know, three years from now, some therapist will tell you, uh, to write her a letter saying everything you wish you could say to her and drop it in the ocean.
And maybe it'll help.
It won't help.
I'm sorry for your loss, Shadow.
I really am.
(SOB) Anyone tell you that yet? I'm not sure.
Anyone even hug you? Shit.
Well, you just got out of prison.
You haven't been hugged in how long? I read that's a thing with ex-cons, forgetting what it's like just to feel someone.
Oh, shit.
You You worked out in prison.
(CHUCKLE) I have a proposal for closure for us both.
- Audrey - No, no.
Hear me out.
This is a good one.
Lex talionis.
An eye for an eye, blow job for a blow job, right here where they can see us.
I appreciate the offer, but My husband and your wife my best friend I want them to see it.
I want Robbie to watch while I take this gorgeous man's cock in my mouth.
Pissing on him wasn't enough.
I want you to come in my mouth, I'm going to spit it on his grave.
Jesus, who knew I could be so angry? No, no, no, no.
Stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
You're right.
Fuck me already.
Oh.
Don't, Audrey.
Audrey, don't.
I can't do this.
I am trying to get my dignity back here! Look, hold on.
Wait.
Audrey! (SOBBING) (INSECT WINGS FLUTTERING) (FLUTTERING STOPS) Hello, Shadow.
Don't fuck with me.
Okay.
I won't.
Uh, but if you could just drop me off - at the Motel America - Hit him.
See, I said don't fuck with me.
Now that, that was fucking with me.
Keep your answers short and to the point, or I will fucking kill you, or maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just have The Children here break every bone in your fucking body.
So don't fuck with me.
Got it.
You're working for Wednesday.
Yeah.
- Smoke? - No, thank you.
(COUGHING) Well, it's not tobacco, and it ain't weed.
Smells like an appliance fire.
Synthetic toad skins.
Hmm.
What the fuck is Wednesday after? What's he doing here? There's got to be a plan.
What's the game plan, man? I started working for Mr.
Wednesday this morning.
How auspicious.
You must be special.
No, I'm just an errand boy.
Is that all? (COUGHING) Wednesday is history.
Forgotten and old.
He should just let it happen.
We are the future, and we don't give a fuck about him or anyone else like him anymore.
They are consigned to the dumpster.
Now we have reprogrammed reality.
Language is a virus.
Religion, an operating system, and prayers are just so much fucking spam.
Okay, w-well, y-you're saying all this like I'm supposed to know what the fuck you're talking about.
The dominant fucking paradigm, Shadow.
That is the only important thing.
Oh, by the way, I was sorry to hear about your wife.
Tough break.
Thanks.
So I will ask again.
What is it Wednesday is up to? We barely exchanged a dozen words.
But you can let me out here and then I'll walk the rest of the way.
You're saying that you don't know? Telling you I don't know.
Would you tell me even if you did? Probably not.
As you say, I work for Mr.
Wednesday.
Well, then why the fuck am I wasting my time sitting here talking to you? You know, I was curious myself how long you would go on sucking your own dick.
Kill him.
We're not just going to kill you, Shadow.
We're going to delete you.
One click, and you are overwritten.
Undelete that is not an option.
Aah! (CROW CAWS)