American Princess (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 I've dreamed of this day since forever.
I started clipping from bridal magazines when I was 8.
The dress, the flowers, the venue.
By the time I was 20, I'd collaged the most perfect wedding.
Even my mother approved.
But you, my almost husband, you had yet to manifest.
I started to lose hope.
But then, like a knight in shining Zegna, you stuck your hand between two closing subway doors for me and smiled.
Very nice.
You don't think it's too much? Everybody loves Pink Powder Pout.
No, I meant the vows.
Your vows are as perfect as your eyebrows.
How come you got the good eyebrows? Your story is so good.
You think it's too late to rewrite mine and Joel's? Something that doesn't include a mix-up at the dermatologist? Lily, I'm collecting advice on marriage.
How do you and Tom keep things fresh? Food and sex.
Make them think you like both, - you'll have a happy couple.
- I do.
Cut the food in half and triple the sex.
You ladies want a drink? Champagne.
- Yes, please.
- Bring the bottle.
Let me give myself a hand - Uh-huh - Faster, bridezilla.
Monique Lhuillier does not forgive.
I'm going as fast as I can, bitch.
Not my fault there's no SoulCycle up here.
Thank God they had yoga in the gazebo.
Bumpkin yoga, but at least it was something.
Civilization! Faster! I want it Imma treat myself I want it - Do you have LaCroix? - La what? Bubbly water? Flavor, no sugar? We got ginger ale.
Mmkay.
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
You were all about my wedding being up here - when we were planning it.
- That's because we were in Aspen when we were planning it.
A summer wedding in the country - sounded just warmer to me at the time.
- [BELL RINGS.]
Ew.
See? Someone up here is having a theme wedding.
I'm telling you, I look very right in 1930s chic.
We could've done the whole "Downton Abbey" thing.
- Okay, tick check.
- What, we're on to Lyme now? - What happened to Zika? - I made the wedding planner do a citronella perimeter around the ceremony.
You're welcome for your beautiful, bug-free wedding.
- Not like mine.
- Your wedding was beautiful.
It was Modern Orthodox in a temple social hall.
All for Joel's bitch mother.
Hey, our mom's a bitch, too.
Yeah, well, at least she doesn't keep kosher.
I couldn't even have buttercream frosting.
Sorry, "Cake Boss.
" Nobody likes fondant.
JENNY: God ye good den, fair maidens.
Might I retrieve a Dew of the Mountain? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank thee.
Yeah, that's who does a theme wedding.
LEXI: I cannot get over this place.
It's like that place my dads took me to in France after I got bat mitzvahed at Masada.
The French countryside? Yes, that.
Ah, so pretty.
We talked about France, but Brett has that thing where he takes on the accent.
Ugh, he did that with my house cleaner.
ERIN: Check it, bitches.
[CHEERS.]
- Pretty.
So pretty.
- Oh, my God.
Ahh! [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
Guys, I'm in my Spanx.
- I posted.
- Me too.
- Delete.
- Got it.
- Deleted.
- Done.
Oh, sorry.
Now, from the collar bone up.
Perf! - Adding a filter.
- So good.
What hashtag are you guys using? Oh, my God, you guys, look.
Two years ago today.
Oh.
Now, that would've been good wedding hair.
I remember this night.
We took edibles, and I thought I was dying.
Oh, barely felt them.
What? I have a high tolerance.
Yeah, and then you and Farah left me alone to sleep it off.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah.
But Brett stayed with me all night.
I puked in front of him.
I don't even do that in front of my mom.
Because she critiques your form.
"Don't strain.
You'll pop a blood vessel in your eye.
" [LAUGHTER.]
He didn't care that I was a disgusting train wreck.
I felt so safe in his big, scruffy arms.
You made him wax the scruff, though.
- Gone.
- Lexi, grab the crinoline.
Aww, is that your mom's veil? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's mine.
I might be miserable, but I'm still on husband number one, so we thought it had better juju.
[GASPS.]
Holy Gwyneth is here! - Gwyneth's here.
- [SQUEALS.]
Oh, yay, she made it.
Her prenatal smoothie recipes are totally how we conceived.
Oh, good, good, good.
Gwynnie's here.
[LAUGHS.]
Gwynnie's here.
Oh, Erin, remind me to ask her for Blythe's e-mail address.
The one she gave me, I don't know, it just keeps bouncing back.
- Imagine that.
- Erin.
On it.
Mom, we got you your very own mother-of-the-bride suite.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Mandy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Mandy, my Amanda.
You look like an angel.
A Jewish one the best kind.
Oh, and you're still wearing that ballerina dress.
- In her underwear.
- And we're out.
Come on.
Move along.
Darling, darling.
Let's get you more to drink.
Oh, good.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Oh, my God.
Ooh, it's Brett.
He wants to FaceTime.
- Don't let him see you.
- Get it.
- It's bad luck.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
Hey, sweetie.
[BRETT MOANING.]
Babe? Brett? Wait.
Is your volume down? Give me that.
Brett, I think you butt-dialed me.
Yeah, baby.
[MOANING CONTINUES.]
What? Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, right there.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
[GIN WIGMORE'S "MAN LIKE THAT" PLAYS.]
Girl, you better wake up Girl, you better run He's gone First thing in the mornin' Come back! Follow her.
Where are all the cars? The photographers from Town & Country said they didn't want them in the foreground.
Ugh, them must've parked them down the hill.
Ugh! Oh, stop being so dramatic.
Okay, you realize that is hilarious coming from you, right? Opa! Now, who wants the mystery pill from the bottom of my purse? Mom! Ooh, ooh Tells you that he loves you Ooh, ooh, then he takes it all back Girl, you gotta wonder Girl, you gotta wonder Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that [MOANING.]
Are you out of your mind? [GASPS.]
- You how could you? - Amanda Amanda, wait, wait, - wait, wait.
- Wait? Wait for what? I'm not I'm not having an affair.
I love you.
On our wedding day? - Shh, calm down, calm down.
- Oh, Brett! Let's talk about this, okay? Calm down.
Okay? Is that a real-life hooker? - Excuse me? - No.
- Then, who is it? - Hey, look at me, look at me.
It was nothing.
Look, a leftover from the bar last night, a last hurrah.
It is out of my system now, and we are getting married today.
We're going to St.
Barts tomorrow because, Amanda Klein, you you make my life complete.
[SCREAMS.]
It's "you complete me," [COUGHS.]
[GASPING.]
Oh Girl, you better wake up - Ooh, ooh - Ugh! Girl, you better run He's gone First thing in the mornin' Faster than a bullet comin' outta that gun Congratulations! She's not answering, but I think the wedding is probably off.
Because of a little oral? Oh, please.
If I called off every wedding because of that Not now, Mom.
Wait, who is this bitch? Do we know her? We know some very horrible people.
I don't know, and I don't care.
What I do care about is that, according to Brett, Amanda assaulted the hooker, and now there may be a legal situation.
- Drama.
- Oh, for God's sake, how badly was this woman hurt? Joel treated her immediately after and says she has a concussion, and based on the angle of how she fell, I guess she bit off the tip of her tongue.
[GASPS.]
Aw, gross.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
And she swallowed it.
- Ugh! - Holy How many Weight Watchers points is that? Well, it's not Amanda's fault that that hooker bit off her own tongue.
It might be.
Come on! [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
[AMANDA PANTING AND CRYING.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[CRIES.]
[GRUNTING.]
Okay.
Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
It's okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
My phone.
My phone.
[GRUNTS.]
[SCREECHES.]
[CRYING.]
[RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ugh, theme wedding.
[SNIFFLES, SOBBING.]
Excuse me, Father, I could really use some water.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Pretty lady, thou looks like thou couldst use a drink.
Here.
[COUGHS.]
Aye, miss.
It's the Devil's brew, fire from the Scots, not for the faint of heart.
- Water? - Oh, yeah, here, child.
Is this beer? That's a fine ale to wash down the Devil's brew.
Look, I really need a phone.
It's kind of an emergency.
Phone? Now, what be a phone? This must be some wedding, because you are wasted.
For sooth most verily Yeah, I am, I am.
Landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over Landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over For tonight we'll merry be For tonight we'll merry be For tonight we'll merry be Why wasn't I shown this site? Tomorrow we'll be sober Here's to the man drinks water pure And goes to bed quite sober Probably had to use the in-house catering, right? Uh, beg thy pardon? Oh, I'm on the bride's side.
Oh! Cry your mercy, mistress.
No problem.
Maybe it'll get the blood out.
Please, do accept this mead as recompense.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Here's to the man who drinks strong ale And goes to bed quite mellow He lives as he ought to live I shall go get more.
He lives as he ought to live And dies a jolly good fellow Here's to the girl who steals a kiss Hey, can I use your phone? Ah, thou must mean the little portrait maker I do carry with me.
It doth also serve as a carrier pigeon, know ye.
She'll never get another Holy I don't know anyone's numbers.
Beg pardon? No, I'm not kidding.
I mean, I know I know mine, but I don't know anyone else's.
Ah.
How the hell are people supposed to communicate without a phone? Do you not get it? I do not have my phone.
Ma'am, does thou need to see the village apothecary perchance? Okay, your commitment to this theme is seriously, like, next-level.
For tonight we'll merry be Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink Tomorrow we'll be sober [APPLAUSE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Well played, musicians, and well met, good gentles.
I, your glorious queen, do welcome thee, my subjects, gathered here at the end of another day in Shropshire, where each summer I take my progress, where mine Oof, is she officiating? In the words of the bard, if music be the food of love, play on.
[CROWD SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
William, please approach.
[APPLAUSE.]
Cute idea for the groom.
ALL: Shh! Wilt thou provide us with some parting words as the day ends? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Ah, Your Majesty, it would be mine honor.
For you, England's most precious jewel.
ALL: Hear, hear! One half of me is yours.
The other half yours.
- Thank you.
- [AUDIENCE "AWWS".]
Huh.
"Merchant of Venice.
" The anti-Semitic play.
- But romantic, flirty.
- MAGGIE: Bravo, dear William.
She's the bride.
I got it now.
I have penned yet another simple musing - on thy royal life.
- Ooh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You may my glories and my state depose, but not my griefs.
Still am I king of those.
Ah, such true words.
'Tis from my newest play, entitled "Richard III.
" [APPLAUSE.]
Um, no, it's not.
Dear maiden, that be the bard of Avon himself, William Shakespeare.
Okay, well, he be wrong about hith owneth playeth, then.
Please be quiet.
Her Majesty is speaking.
Who, the bride? Sorry.
Queen Elizabeth.
Do not disrespect Her Majesty.
Well, somebody ought to tell her that King Elizabeth isn't up on his Dude.
Shut up.
Dude, you shut up, jack off.
Who the hell are you anyway, some strange, crazy pirate? Hey, you want to go? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
MAGGIE: Hark! What be the meaning of this disruption? Uh, uh God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Jesus! BO: Forgive us, Your Majesty, for this maid be most truly in her cups.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know it.
Double-sided tape.
Ah, a dear lost beggar's doxy.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, ma'am.
Quee Sorry for interrupting your little wedding here.
Wedding? And whose nuptials might we all be attending? Oh.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, my dear lost child, I am married first and foremost to mine country, - mine England.
- ALL: Hear, hear.
And this man hither be but a consort of my high court.
Okay, okay, fine.
Consort.
Don't consort.
FYI, though, he doesn't know what play his own quote's from.
That is preposterous.
God.
Men, right? "I know this play I wrote so well.
" Or, or, "I got it fully out of my system.
" Or, "It's your fault she's all covered in blood, Amanda.
" So, even if this this whatever this is is not a wedding, you should all know that men are pigs.
And he's gay.
DAVID: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
She be right! [SPECTATORS GASP.]
About the play, I do mean.
Such a wretched creature doth approach.
Your Majesty, may I beg a boon? Why's he so gross? Speak, mud man.
Seriously, you guys, is he homeless? I, man of mud, orator of dirt, hero and defender of the most vile sludge To it, creature.
I, Sir Pizzle Humpsalot, do put forth that the verse by William Shakespeare be, as the maid did say, not in sooth from "Richard III.
" Aha! Told ya.
Sir Humpsalot, which play did Shakespeare then quote? "Henry V.
" - Nope.
- All right.
And if I had my phone, I could prove it.
Come hither, you.
- Go.
- Go.
Approach.
What be thy title? Thy name.
Amanda Klein.
Stay not your tongue, woman.
From which play doth the quote come? "Richard II.
" Uh, ffff.
Ugh.
The maid doth speak the truth.
Huzzah! ALL: Huzzah! [APPLAUSE.]
Well met, young maid.
Now, if thou wouldst not mind Her Majesty will now end the faire day.
Copy.
Got it.
Sorry.
Where's the bar? The pub be right this way.
Thanks, Mr.
Pizzalot.
That be Humpsalot.
Whatever.
They have more of that mead stuff? It's like hard lemonade.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Barrels.
[GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Morning.
[GASPS.]
[RETCHES, VOMITS.]
I, uh I'm gonna give you some space.
Bright.
So bright.
Hey, there.
Uh, coffee? Yes, please.
Thank you.
So where am I? At the fairgrounds just outside of where you passed out last night.
Oh, good, good.
Right.
The fairgrounds.
Did I? - Did we - Whoa, you tried, but no.
I make it a point to not date-rape people.
It's just one of my personal philosophies.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Good.
That's really good.
And And when you say "fairgrounds" Ren Faire where you bested William Shakespeare himself.
I mean, I got no beef with Brian personally, but he can be a huge about historical accuracy.
So that was kind of awesome.
Right, at the wedding.
At the Renaissance Festival.
Wow.
Sounds like you got into Friar Woodruff's homemade Devil Scotch.
Last time I had that, I woke up in a boat on Lake Oswego naked.
Look, mud man It's Pizzle Humpsalot, but you can call me David.
Faire gates don't open till 10:00, so David.
I don't know what a Renaissance Festival is.
Also, I don't know any of my family's phone numbers, and I seriously have to get back to the Country Cottage damn it.
No, I can't go back there.
Uh, you could e-mail.
Huh? Electronic mail? The Wi-Fi on the grounds is pretty terrible, but that's intentional, you know? Time period.
Uh, but it's also why I have a router in the RV.
Easy now, she's first gen.
I keep her in good condish.
I guess I'll read the paper later.
Please, you call the Post the paper? [GASPS.]
You forget your login? So you've never heard of a Ren Faire, but you came to a Ren Faire dressed in full garb.
It was Monique Lhuillier.
And then you schooled every Rennie there in "Richard II.
" Can I ask how that happened? I wrote a paper on "Richard II.
" English major at Vassar.
And then you opened up an English store? - Funny.
- Thanks.
So? So now I write freelance for upscale-lifestyle sites in English, so You know, lifestyle, wellness, and, like, clean beauty? - Jade eggs for up your [WHISTLES.]
? - Mm.
What's a Rennie? A Rennie is a person who works at a Renaissance Festival.
Like how a carny is a person who works at a carnival.
- Okay.
- Or a druggie is a person who works at a carnival.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what? You guys all pretend to be Queen Elizabeth and run around and drink with nerds? You have anywhere to be this morning? [RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
This is ringing a bell now.
Yeah, parade should begin in a few.
- Parade? - But what parade can compare to the festivities within filthy hearts and loins, eh, clean maiden? On the clock now.
Got it.
Uh, meet my best mates and fellow muddy beggars, Shart O'Belly and Stick.
Goodly day for a goodly woman to be embraced by a goodly mud beggar! Back it up.
Shart is it? Aye.
I was christened "Shart" in 1565.
See, I went to simply break wind, but when I bent over and spread me cheeks Uh, mayhap save the detail for another time, most beloved Shart? [CHUCKLES.]
Stick.
I hope thou whilst attend our mud show at Froggy Bottom Mud Pit at noon o'clock.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Nay, Pizzle! Nay, nay, nay! [CHUCKLES.]
Let the lass come to the Wash Pit instead to see my show.
It hath love, loss, and, of course, laundry! Are you a mud beggar, too? - [GASPS.]
- Quite the opposite, really.
- Please meet Prunella Bubblebottom - Whoo! Washer Wench.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Thou hath had a tear recently upon thy cheek.
What ails thee, my fairest, most prepossessing friend? MAN: God save the Queen! - Redhead.
- What's happening? Her Majesty awaits.
Surely the good mistress remembers Queen Elizabeth and her most trusted courtier, William Shakespeare? Shakespeare was never, like, in Elizabeth's court, you know.
WOMAN: Make way for the Royal Court.
She definitely remembers me.
I'll see you at the show, mistress.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Stick, stick.
[APPLAUSE.]
[INDISTINCT SPEAKING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Make way! Whoo-hoo! I found him! I met my husband! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you! What's your name? ALL: Huzzah! Let's start the bidding at 10! WOMAN: Huzzah for the tipper! Hey, hi.
Excuse me.
[GASPS.]
Do you know where the mud pit is? Hey ho, dear friend.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
So, you and Pizzle? Oh, no, no, no.
We are not we didn't.
We no.
You're wearing his chemise.
That shirt has seen a lot of morning-afters.
No judgment.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
And if I might say, thou art one of the loveliest ladies who has ever donned these threads.
I'm not a lovely lady.
I'm just a lady who needed a shirt that wasn't covered in blood.
May I escort thee to Ye Olde Costume Rental Shoppe? You can be anything you want to be, from a fair maiden to a fish wife.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Don't go near the hats.
There are wee beasties that live within them.
Lice.
No, there will be no costumes.
I don't even know why I'm still here.
[CHUCKLES.]
The faire does that to people.
I came for one day five years ago and never left.
LULU: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Prunella! My goodly sister.
- New bit.
Check this out.
- Okay.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Mistress, hast thou seen our great Queen Elizabeth's cousin, the one she doth detest? Um The one our good Queen Bess hath banished? Uh [NORMAL VOICE.]
Last name Stuart? Oh, uh, Mary, Queen of Scots.
[AS GROUCHO.]
Have you seen her undergarments? More like Mary, Queen of Spots.
Ooh, it needs work.
- Fair.
- Yeah.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
If you're looking for David, the mud pit's thataway.
Thank you.
It was cute.
- One of David's? - Mm.
New flavor for him.
She smells like marzipan.
Ah! [GASPS.]
Mary, Queen of Farts.
Oh.
Pray tell.
Oh, pray your forgiveness.
No worries.
Go ahead.
Hi.
'Tis you.
- Sir Bo.
- It's you guys.
Again.
Miss, please, I have no more ducats for which to buy thee libations.
No, no, no, no, no.
I I am done with libations.
I'm leaving soon.
Well, would you care to sit with us for the mud show? 'Tis most fun in the front, where one could get bespotted with mud.
I'm good.
You guys go ahead.
Aye, then.
Well met.
Fare thee well.
[AUDIENCE CHANTING "PIZZLE!".]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
To be or not to be? That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune - or to take - Oi! Did I hear someone out here say, "To pee or not to pee"? How now it be Sir Shart O'Belly and faithful companion Stick.
Stick! [AUDIENCE CHANTING "STICK!".]
I may have said "to be," but what I meant was, to pee! Get this whizzle out my Pizzle! [LAUGHTER.]
I'm, uh, sorry about the mud, milady.
Listen, Humpsalot, I need an Uber.
I mean [BRITISH ACCENT.]
canst thou send a carriage to ferry me the "F" out of here, prithee? That's, uh that's not bad with the vernacular.
Sir Humpsalot, thy performance was most glorious on this day.
Aye, aye.
Thy "Hamlet" is only second - to that of Richard Burbage.
- Indeed.
My most deep and glorious thank-thees.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Who are you two even supposed to be? I be Lady Jenny Miller from Rochester.
And I be Sir Bo Kapinski of Utica.
But those aren't real historical figures.
Nay, milady.
They do not work here.
Wait.
What? Nay, nay, nay.
We attend the faire.
We seek pleasure, not employment.
I'm in I.
T.
Dental hygienist.
Playtrons.
Play trons.
We must off to the joust.
Fare thee well.
What kind of people dress up and talk like that when they don't even work here? Well, mistress, uh, what can I say? It be their leidenschaft.
Their what now? It's German for passion.
Then why didn't you just say "passion"? [NORMAL VOICE.]
I was a double major art history and German.
- Ah.
- I went to SUNY Purchase.
You never asked.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I've kind of been hit with a lot recently.
[SCOFFS.]
I get it.
I didn't play "Dungeons & Dragons," and somehow that makes me a bully, right? Well, guess what? I don't need to pretend to be somebody else to have a good time.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Well, perhaps this pretending be more authentic to who they are than what thou dost believe is so real out there.
What would you know about it? You mix Shakespeare with fart jokes for a living.
Aha! Thou hast been paying attention.
Oh, God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Again? Good lady, please step aside.
I'm expected at the joust.
Here we go.
Do I detect a hint of defiance against Her Majesty the Queen? Nay, girl.
I was just going.
Too bad our Lord Executioner, Lady Helen, did not attend the faire on this day.
We could've had a public flogging.
[LAUGHTER.]
Not to, again, point out a hole in your little reenactment here, but you do know that there never would've been a female Lord Executioner in your time, right? Well, as I'm the most powerful woman in the land, mayhaps anything is - Was.
- Is possible.
I could lead the flogging, my queen.
Nay.
Sadly, Lady Helen holds the key to the prop shed.
- Where be she anyway? - Mayhap she decided that this particular Queen Elizabeth be a wit too aggro to deal with.
ERIN: Ugh, Amanda.
Thank God.
- Erin? - We were so worried.
Why Why Why are you so dirty? And damp? And dressed like a poor? Well, I guess that would be a fare the well for good.
Courtiers.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Good riddance.
"Troilus and Cressida.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Google it.
Don't even want to know what that was about.
How did you find me? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You mean after looking for you all night and calling the police and having to drug Mom more than usual? I saw the tricycle on the side of the road.
I thought you were dead until I saw the themed-wedding people.
I ran back and grabbed one of your gifts from the suite.
I can't show up to a wedding empty-handed.
Erin, it's not a wedding.
It's a It's a Ren Faire, a Renaissance Festival.
I don't know what you mean, but you'll tell me later.
- Let's go.
- Stick.
- What are you doing? - Erin, it's fine.
Stick.
Stick! Poke me again, weirdo.
Stick, not now.
What's with the stick? He's just trying to play with you.
Play? Like mug? Well, he's he's harmless.
He's performing.
What the are you talking about? Listen, Mom called Dr.
Bloom.
She's waiting to see you in the city.
We can be there in a few hours.
People upstate are so overweight.
Mom, I told you to wait out in the car.
All right, time to cut the , dear.
- Brett has been crying.
- Oh.
Now, you'll go together to Dr.
Bloom, and you'll work it out.
- Together? - Mm-hmm.
Mom, do you even know what happened? Oh, yeah, everyone knows what happened, darling.
It meant nothing.
One last hurrah.
I see you got his side already.
Guys like Brett don't just show up on JSwipe every day.
Trust me.
You're playing this all wrong, dear.
When Erin's father cheated on me [CHUCKLES.]
I got a schooner.
You're almost geriatric, as far as fertility.
I can hear your eggs cracking, and Erin's IVF put a real dent in my safari budget.
- Shut up, Mom.
- Well, it's true.
Do you really want to throw away everything you almost had? I don't know.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, this place is skeeving me out.
I did everything.
What? Everything was the best.
Everything was perfect.
- Well - And for what? So I could walk in on my perfect fiancé getting a perfect an hour before my perfect ceremony? Or maybe so I can be just like you, Erin married and mean and dragging my yoga ass to Balthazar every Sunday with my bitchy friends so we can whine about private schools and how much we hate our husbands.
I hate Balthazar.
You hate everything! Mandy, darling, we can fix this without anyone even knowing.
Like good plastic surgery.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Which we should talk about.
Um, under chin.
I think you're beautiful.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not going back with you.
BOTH: What? I'm staying.
Here.
Nay.
Hither.
Isn't this someone else's wedding? What do you mean? That's ridiculous.
[LAUGHING.]
Maybe it is ridiculous.
And maybe it's not perfect for once in my life.
And maybe if I don't go back with you, then then then m-maybe, uh I'll find my leidenschaft.
[BOTH GASP.]
Veyismir, she's speaking German.
I wasn't gonna tell you this, but people are mad, Amanda.
Brett made a mistake, but you made a mess and just ran away.
Come on, Mom.
You had such a nice prenup.
ERIN: Mom! [SIGHS.]
Stick? Scotch? Mmm, God, that's good.
It's so nice not to have my mother mouthing at me across the table, "Stop eating.
" - That's awful.
- You think that's awful? She fired my favorite nanny because she was too pretty.
I loved Hilda.
Oh, honey, of course you did.
And Hilda loved you.
This is like camp.
I mean, it is camp.
We camp.
[SLURRING.]
I was gonna be a counselor, but then I did a summer immersion at the Sorbonne.
I ate so much bread.
And, oh, Tiffany blue accents.
I got the sweetest little mason jars, and we just, like, set them around, and we had, like, a citronella perimeter getting it was gonna it was gonna be really good.
Erin thinks that she's so cool because she has a summer house in the Hamptons.
I mean, she's not even north of the highway.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You know, ma'am, I'm an alcoholic, and even I think you should slow down.
Lightweight.
So, you speak French.
- Oui.
- I speak German.
- Do you? - Yeah, I told you.
- I was a double major.
- Gotcha.
Brett used to leave all these teensy, tiny, little hairs all over the sink.
Beard or pubes? Beard or pubes? I don't know which I don't I don't want to play that game.
I love that game.
Does he not love me anymore? Why does he not love me? Ah, I win.
- Regret that immediately.
- Oh, yeah.
I give great I learned from a gay guy.
I swirl under the helmet.
I rule.
Have you ever been in love? I have, yeah.
Me, too.
[SIGHS.]
This doesn't end in an orgy, does it? Not on Sundays.
Can you imagine biting off your own tongue? She's been out since yesterday.
Every summer, these wild Ren Faire people get into all kinds of trouble.
She had these business cards in her pouch that said, "Ye Old Lord Executioner for all of your torturous needs," whatever that means.
S&M, obviously.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Ugh, nothing but losers, weirdos, and sex freaks real fringy people, you know.
I do love the turkey legs, though.
Oh, sure.
Everyone does.
Mm.
I started clipping from bridal magazines when I was 8.
The dress, the flowers, the venue.
By the time I was 20, I'd collaged the most perfect wedding.
Even my mother approved.
But you, my almost husband, you had yet to manifest.
I started to lose hope.
But then, like a knight in shining Zegna, you stuck your hand between two closing subway doors for me and smiled.
Very nice.
You don't think it's too much? Everybody loves Pink Powder Pout.
No, I meant the vows.
Your vows are as perfect as your eyebrows.
How come you got the good eyebrows? Your story is so good.
You think it's too late to rewrite mine and Joel's? Something that doesn't include a mix-up at the dermatologist? Lily, I'm collecting advice on marriage.
How do you and Tom keep things fresh? Food and sex.
Make them think you like both, - you'll have a happy couple.
- I do.
Cut the food in half and triple the sex.
You ladies want a drink? Champagne.
- Yes, please.
- Bring the bottle.
Let me give myself a hand - Uh-huh - Faster, bridezilla.
Monique Lhuillier does not forgive.
I'm going as fast as I can, bitch.
Not my fault there's no SoulCycle up here.
Thank God they had yoga in the gazebo.
Bumpkin yoga, but at least it was something.
Civilization! Faster! I want it Imma treat myself I want it - Do you have LaCroix? - La what? Bubbly water? Flavor, no sugar? We got ginger ale.
Mmkay.
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
You were all about my wedding being up here - when we were planning it.
- That's because we were in Aspen when we were planning it.
A summer wedding in the country - sounded just warmer to me at the time.
- [BELL RINGS.]
Ew.
See? Someone up here is having a theme wedding.
I'm telling you, I look very right in 1930s chic.
We could've done the whole "Downton Abbey" thing.
- Okay, tick check.
- What, we're on to Lyme now? - What happened to Zika? - I made the wedding planner do a citronella perimeter around the ceremony.
You're welcome for your beautiful, bug-free wedding.
- Not like mine.
- Your wedding was beautiful.
It was Modern Orthodox in a temple social hall.
All for Joel's bitch mother.
Hey, our mom's a bitch, too.
Yeah, well, at least she doesn't keep kosher.
I couldn't even have buttercream frosting.
Sorry, "Cake Boss.
" Nobody likes fondant.
JENNY: God ye good den, fair maidens.
Might I retrieve a Dew of the Mountain? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank thee.
Yeah, that's who does a theme wedding.
LEXI: I cannot get over this place.
It's like that place my dads took me to in France after I got bat mitzvahed at Masada.
The French countryside? Yes, that.
Ah, so pretty.
We talked about France, but Brett has that thing where he takes on the accent.
Ugh, he did that with my house cleaner.
ERIN: Check it, bitches.
[CHEERS.]
- Pretty.
So pretty.
- Oh, my God.
Ahh! [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
Guys, I'm in my Spanx.
- I posted.
- Me too.
- Delete.
- Got it.
- Deleted.
- Done.
Oh, sorry.
Now, from the collar bone up.
Perf! - Adding a filter.
- So good.
What hashtag are you guys using? Oh, my God, you guys, look.
Two years ago today.
Oh.
Now, that would've been good wedding hair.
I remember this night.
We took edibles, and I thought I was dying.
Oh, barely felt them.
What? I have a high tolerance.
Yeah, and then you and Farah left me alone to sleep it off.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah.
But Brett stayed with me all night.
I puked in front of him.
I don't even do that in front of my mom.
Because she critiques your form.
"Don't strain.
You'll pop a blood vessel in your eye.
" [LAUGHTER.]
He didn't care that I was a disgusting train wreck.
I felt so safe in his big, scruffy arms.
You made him wax the scruff, though.
- Gone.
- Lexi, grab the crinoline.
Aww, is that your mom's veil? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's mine.
I might be miserable, but I'm still on husband number one, so we thought it had better juju.
[GASPS.]
Holy Gwyneth is here! - Gwyneth's here.
- [SQUEALS.]
Oh, yay, she made it.
Her prenatal smoothie recipes are totally how we conceived.
Oh, good, good, good.
Gwynnie's here.
[LAUGHS.]
Gwynnie's here.
Oh, Erin, remind me to ask her for Blythe's e-mail address.
The one she gave me, I don't know, it just keeps bouncing back.
- Imagine that.
- Erin.
On it.
Mom, we got you your very own mother-of-the-bride suite.
[GASPS.]
Oh, Mandy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Mandy, my Amanda.
You look like an angel.
A Jewish one the best kind.
Oh, and you're still wearing that ballerina dress.
- In her underwear.
- And we're out.
Come on.
Move along.
Darling, darling.
Let's get you more to drink.
Oh, good.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Oh, my God.
Ooh, it's Brett.
He wants to FaceTime.
- Don't let him see you.
- Get it.
- It's bad luck.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
Hey, sweetie.
[BRETT MOANING.]
Babe? Brett? Wait.
Is your volume down? Give me that.
Brett, I think you butt-dialed me.
Yeah, baby.
[MOANING CONTINUES.]
What? Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, right there.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
[GIN WIGMORE'S "MAN LIKE THAT" PLAYS.]
Girl, you better wake up Girl, you better run He's gone First thing in the mornin' Come back! Follow her.
Where are all the cars? The photographers from Town & Country said they didn't want them in the foreground.
Ugh, them must've parked them down the hill.
Ugh! Oh, stop being so dramatic.
Okay, you realize that is hilarious coming from you, right? Opa! Now, who wants the mystery pill from the bottom of my purse? Mom! Ooh, ooh Tells you that he loves you Ooh, ooh, then he takes it all back Girl, you gotta wonder Girl, you gotta wonder Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that [MOANING.]
Are you out of your mind? [GASPS.]
- You how could you? - Amanda Amanda, wait, wait, - wait, wait.
- Wait? Wait for what? I'm not I'm not having an affair.
I love you.
On our wedding day? - Shh, calm down, calm down.
- Oh, Brett! Let's talk about this, okay? Calm down.
Okay? Is that a real-life hooker? - Excuse me? - No.
- Then, who is it? - Hey, look at me, look at me.
It was nothing.
Look, a leftover from the bar last night, a last hurrah.
It is out of my system now, and we are getting married today.
We're going to St.
Barts tomorrow because, Amanda Klein, you you make my life complete.
[SCREAMS.]
It's "you complete me," [COUGHS.]
[GASPING.]
Oh Girl, you better wake up - Ooh, ooh - Ugh! Girl, you better run He's gone First thing in the mornin' Faster than a bullet comin' outta that gun Congratulations! She's not answering, but I think the wedding is probably off.
Because of a little oral? Oh, please.
If I called off every wedding because of that Not now, Mom.
Wait, who is this bitch? Do we know her? We know some very horrible people.
I don't know, and I don't care.
What I do care about is that, according to Brett, Amanda assaulted the hooker, and now there may be a legal situation.
- Drama.
- Oh, for God's sake, how badly was this woman hurt? Joel treated her immediately after and says she has a concussion, and based on the angle of how she fell, I guess she bit off the tip of her tongue.
[GASPS.]
Aw, gross.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
And she swallowed it.
- Ugh! - Holy How many Weight Watchers points is that? Well, it's not Amanda's fault that that hooker bit off her own tongue.
It might be.
Come on! [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
[AMANDA PANTING AND CRYING.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[CRIES.]
[GRUNTING.]
Okay.
Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
It's okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
My phone.
My phone.
[GRUNTS.]
[SCREECHES.]
[CRYING.]
[RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ugh, theme wedding.
[SNIFFLES, SOBBING.]
Excuse me, Father, I could really use some water.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Pretty lady, thou looks like thou couldst use a drink.
Here.
[COUGHS.]
Aye, miss.
It's the Devil's brew, fire from the Scots, not for the faint of heart.
- Water? - Oh, yeah, here, child.
Is this beer? That's a fine ale to wash down the Devil's brew.
Look, I really need a phone.
It's kind of an emergency.
Phone? Now, what be a phone? This must be some wedding, because you are wasted.
For sooth most verily Yeah, I am, I am.
Landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over Landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over For tonight we'll merry be For tonight we'll merry be For tonight we'll merry be Why wasn't I shown this site? Tomorrow we'll be sober Here's to the man drinks water pure And goes to bed quite sober Probably had to use the in-house catering, right? Uh, beg thy pardon? Oh, I'm on the bride's side.
Oh! Cry your mercy, mistress.
No problem.
Maybe it'll get the blood out.
Please, do accept this mead as recompense.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
Here's to the man who drinks strong ale And goes to bed quite mellow He lives as he ought to live I shall go get more.
He lives as he ought to live And dies a jolly good fellow Here's to the girl who steals a kiss Hey, can I use your phone? Ah, thou must mean the little portrait maker I do carry with me.
It doth also serve as a carrier pigeon, know ye.
She'll never get another Holy I don't know anyone's numbers.
Beg pardon? No, I'm not kidding.
I mean, I know I know mine, but I don't know anyone else's.
Ah.
How the hell are people supposed to communicate without a phone? Do you not get it? I do not have my phone.
Ma'am, does thou need to see the village apothecary perchance? Okay, your commitment to this theme is seriously, like, next-level.
For tonight we'll merry be Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink Tomorrow we'll be sober [APPLAUSE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Well played, musicians, and well met, good gentles.
I, your glorious queen, do welcome thee, my subjects, gathered here at the end of another day in Shropshire, where each summer I take my progress, where mine Oof, is she officiating? In the words of the bard, if music be the food of love, play on.
[CROWD SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
William, please approach.
[APPLAUSE.]
Cute idea for the groom.
ALL: Shh! Wilt thou provide us with some parting words as the day ends? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Ah, Your Majesty, it would be mine honor.
For you, England's most precious jewel.
ALL: Hear, hear! One half of me is yours.
The other half yours.
- Thank you.
- [AUDIENCE "AWWS".]
Huh.
"Merchant of Venice.
" The anti-Semitic play.
- But romantic, flirty.
- MAGGIE: Bravo, dear William.
She's the bride.
I got it now.
I have penned yet another simple musing - on thy royal life.
- Ooh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You may my glories and my state depose, but not my griefs.
Still am I king of those.
Ah, such true words.
'Tis from my newest play, entitled "Richard III.
" [APPLAUSE.]
Um, no, it's not.
Dear maiden, that be the bard of Avon himself, William Shakespeare.
Okay, well, he be wrong about hith owneth playeth, then.
Please be quiet.
Her Majesty is speaking.
Who, the bride? Sorry.
Queen Elizabeth.
Do not disrespect Her Majesty.
Well, somebody ought to tell her that King Elizabeth isn't up on his Dude.
Shut up.
Dude, you shut up, jack off.
Who the hell are you anyway, some strange, crazy pirate? Hey, you want to go? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
MAGGIE: Hark! What be the meaning of this disruption? Uh, uh God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Jesus! BO: Forgive us, Your Majesty, for this maid be most truly in her cups.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know it.
Double-sided tape.
Ah, a dear lost beggar's doxy.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, ma'am.
Quee Sorry for interrupting your little wedding here.
Wedding? And whose nuptials might we all be attending? Oh.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, my dear lost child, I am married first and foremost to mine country, - mine England.
- ALL: Hear, hear.
And this man hither be but a consort of my high court.
Okay, okay, fine.
Consort.
Don't consort.
FYI, though, he doesn't know what play his own quote's from.
That is preposterous.
God.
Men, right? "I know this play I wrote so well.
" Or, or, "I got it fully out of my system.
" Or, "It's your fault she's all covered in blood, Amanda.
" So, even if this this whatever this is is not a wedding, you should all know that men are pigs.
And he's gay.
DAVID: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
She be right! [SPECTATORS GASP.]
About the play, I do mean.
Such a wretched creature doth approach.
Your Majesty, may I beg a boon? Why's he so gross? Speak, mud man.
Seriously, you guys, is he homeless? I, man of mud, orator of dirt, hero and defender of the most vile sludge To it, creature.
I, Sir Pizzle Humpsalot, do put forth that the verse by William Shakespeare be, as the maid did say, not in sooth from "Richard III.
" Aha! Told ya.
Sir Humpsalot, which play did Shakespeare then quote? "Henry V.
" - Nope.
- All right.
And if I had my phone, I could prove it.
Come hither, you.
- Go.
- Go.
Approach.
What be thy title? Thy name.
Amanda Klein.
Stay not your tongue, woman.
From which play doth the quote come? "Richard II.
" Uh, ffff.
Ugh.
The maid doth speak the truth.
Huzzah! ALL: Huzzah! [APPLAUSE.]
Well met, young maid.
Now, if thou wouldst not mind Her Majesty will now end the faire day.
Copy.
Got it.
Sorry.
Where's the bar? The pub be right this way.
Thanks, Mr.
Pizzalot.
That be Humpsalot.
Whatever.
They have more of that mead stuff? It's like hard lemonade.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Barrels.
[GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Morning.
[GASPS.]
[RETCHES, VOMITS.]
I, uh I'm gonna give you some space.
Bright.
So bright.
Hey, there.
Uh, coffee? Yes, please.
Thank you.
So where am I? At the fairgrounds just outside of where you passed out last night.
Oh, good, good.
Right.
The fairgrounds.
Did I? - Did we - Whoa, you tried, but no.
I make it a point to not date-rape people.
It's just one of my personal philosophies.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Good.
That's really good.
And And when you say "fairgrounds" Ren Faire where you bested William Shakespeare himself.
I mean, I got no beef with Brian personally, but he can be a huge about historical accuracy.
So that was kind of awesome.
Right, at the wedding.
At the Renaissance Festival.
Wow.
Sounds like you got into Friar Woodruff's homemade Devil Scotch.
Last time I had that, I woke up in a boat on Lake Oswego naked.
Look, mud man It's Pizzle Humpsalot, but you can call me David.
Faire gates don't open till 10:00, so David.
I don't know what a Renaissance Festival is.
Also, I don't know any of my family's phone numbers, and I seriously have to get back to the Country Cottage damn it.
No, I can't go back there.
Uh, you could e-mail.
Huh? Electronic mail? The Wi-Fi on the grounds is pretty terrible, but that's intentional, you know? Time period.
Uh, but it's also why I have a router in the RV.
Easy now, she's first gen.
I keep her in good condish.
I guess I'll read the paper later.
Please, you call the Post the paper? [GASPS.]
You forget your login? So you've never heard of a Ren Faire, but you came to a Ren Faire dressed in full garb.
It was Monique Lhuillier.
And then you schooled every Rennie there in "Richard II.
" Can I ask how that happened? I wrote a paper on "Richard II.
" English major at Vassar.
And then you opened up an English store? - Funny.
- Thanks.
So? So now I write freelance for upscale-lifestyle sites in English, so You know, lifestyle, wellness, and, like, clean beauty? - Jade eggs for up your [WHISTLES.]
? - Mm.
What's a Rennie? A Rennie is a person who works at a Renaissance Festival.
Like how a carny is a person who works at a carnival.
- Okay.
- Or a druggie is a person who works at a carnival.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what? You guys all pretend to be Queen Elizabeth and run around and drink with nerds? You have anywhere to be this morning? [RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
This is ringing a bell now.
Yeah, parade should begin in a few.
- Parade? - But what parade can compare to the festivities within filthy hearts and loins, eh, clean maiden? On the clock now.
Got it.
Uh, meet my best mates and fellow muddy beggars, Shart O'Belly and Stick.
Goodly day for a goodly woman to be embraced by a goodly mud beggar! Back it up.
Shart is it? Aye.
I was christened "Shart" in 1565.
See, I went to simply break wind, but when I bent over and spread me cheeks Uh, mayhap save the detail for another time, most beloved Shart? [CHUCKLES.]
Stick.
I hope thou whilst attend our mud show at Froggy Bottom Mud Pit at noon o'clock.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Nay, Pizzle! Nay, nay, nay! [CHUCKLES.]
Let the lass come to the Wash Pit instead to see my show.
It hath love, loss, and, of course, laundry! Are you a mud beggar, too? - [GASPS.]
- Quite the opposite, really.
- Please meet Prunella Bubblebottom - Whoo! Washer Wench.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Thou hath had a tear recently upon thy cheek.
What ails thee, my fairest, most prepossessing friend? MAN: God save the Queen! - Redhead.
- What's happening? Her Majesty awaits.
Surely the good mistress remembers Queen Elizabeth and her most trusted courtier, William Shakespeare? Shakespeare was never, like, in Elizabeth's court, you know.
WOMAN: Make way for the Royal Court.
She definitely remembers me.
I'll see you at the show, mistress.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Stick, stick.
[APPLAUSE.]
[INDISTINCT SPEAKING.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Make way! Whoo-hoo! I found him! I met my husband! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you! What's your name? ALL: Huzzah! Let's start the bidding at 10! WOMAN: Huzzah for the tipper! Hey, hi.
Excuse me.
[GASPS.]
Do you know where the mud pit is? Hey ho, dear friend.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
So, you and Pizzle? Oh, no, no, no.
We are not we didn't.
We no.
You're wearing his chemise.
That shirt has seen a lot of morning-afters.
No judgment.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
And if I might say, thou art one of the loveliest ladies who has ever donned these threads.
I'm not a lovely lady.
I'm just a lady who needed a shirt that wasn't covered in blood.
May I escort thee to Ye Olde Costume Rental Shoppe? You can be anything you want to be, from a fair maiden to a fish wife.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Don't go near the hats.
There are wee beasties that live within them.
Lice.
No, there will be no costumes.
I don't even know why I'm still here.
[CHUCKLES.]
The faire does that to people.
I came for one day five years ago and never left.
LULU: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Prunella! My goodly sister.
- New bit.
Check this out.
- Okay.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Mistress, hast thou seen our great Queen Elizabeth's cousin, the one she doth detest? Um The one our good Queen Bess hath banished? Uh [NORMAL VOICE.]
Last name Stuart? Oh, uh, Mary, Queen of Scots.
[AS GROUCHO.]
Have you seen her undergarments? More like Mary, Queen of Spots.
Ooh, it needs work.
- Fair.
- Yeah.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
If you're looking for David, the mud pit's thataway.
Thank you.
It was cute.
- One of David's? - Mm.
New flavor for him.
She smells like marzipan.
Ah! [GASPS.]
Mary, Queen of Farts.
Oh.
Pray tell.
Oh, pray your forgiveness.
No worries.
Go ahead.
Hi.
'Tis you.
- Sir Bo.
- It's you guys.
Again.
Miss, please, I have no more ducats for which to buy thee libations.
No, no, no, no, no.
I I am done with libations.
I'm leaving soon.
Well, would you care to sit with us for the mud show? 'Tis most fun in the front, where one could get bespotted with mud.
I'm good.
You guys go ahead.
Aye, then.
Well met.
Fare thee well.
[AUDIENCE CHANTING "PIZZLE!".]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
To be or not to be? That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune - or to take - Oi! Did I hear someone out here say, "To pee or not to pee"? How now it be Sir Shart O'Belly and faithful companion Stick.
Stick! [AUDIENCE CHANTING "STICK!".]
I may have said "to be," but what I meant was, to pee! Get this whizzle out my Pizzle! [LAUGHTER.]
I'm, uh, sorry about the mud, milady.
Listen, Humpsalot, I need an Uber.
I mean [BRITISH ACCENT.]
canst thou send a carriage to ferry me the "F" out of here, prithee? That's, uh that's not bad with the vernacular.
Sir Humpsalot, thy performance was most glorious on this day.
Aye, aye.
Thy "Hamlet" is only second - to that of Richard Burbage.
- Indeed.
My most deep and glorious thank-thees.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Who are you two even supposed to be? I be Lady Jenny Miller from Rochester.
And I be Sir Bo Kapinski of Utica.
But those aren't real historical figures.
Nay, milady.
They do not work here.
Wait.
What? Nay, nay, nay.
We attend the faire.
We seek pleasure, not employment.
I'm in I.
T.
Dental hygienist.
Playtrons.
Play trons.
We must off to the joust.
Fare thee well.
What kind of people dress up and talk like that when they don't even work here? Well, mistress, uh, what can I say? It be their leidenschaft.
Their what now? It's German for passion.
Then why didn't you just say "passion"? [NORMAL VOICE.]
I was a double major art history and German.
- Ah.
- I went to SUNY Purchase.
You never asked.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I've kind of been hit with a lot recently.
[SCOFFS.]
I get it.
I didn't play "Dungeons & Dragons," and somehow that makes me a bully, right? Well, guess what? I don't need to pretend to be somebody else to have a good time.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Well, perhaps this pretending be more authentic to who they are than what thou dost believe is so real out there.
What would you know about it? You mix Shakespeare with fart jokes for a living.
Aha! Thou hast been paying attention.
Oh, God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Again? Good lady, please step aside.
I'm expected at the joust.
Here we go.
Do I detect a hint of defiance against Her Majesty the Queen? Nay, girl.
I was just going.
Too bad our Lord Executioner, Lady Helen, did not attend the faire on this day.
We could've had a public flogging.
[LAUGHTER.]
Not to, again, point out a hole in your little reenactment here, but you do know that there never would've been a female Lord Executioner in your time, right? Well, as I'm the most powerful woman in the land, mayhaps anything is - Was.
- Is possible.
I could lead the flogging, my queen.
Nay.
Sadly, Lady Helen holds the key to the prop shed.
- Where be she anyway? - Mayhap she decided that this particular Queen Elizabeth be a wit too aggro to deal with.
ERIN: Ugh, Amanda.
Thank God.
- Erin? - We were so worried.
Why Why Why are you so dirty? And damp? And dressed like a poor? Well, I guess that would be a fare the well for good.
Courtiers.
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Good riddance.
"Troilus and Cressida.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
Google it.
Don't even want to know what that was about.
How did you find me? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You mean after looking for you all night and calling the police and having to drug Mom more than usual? I saw the tricycle on the side of the road.
I thought you were dead until I saw the themed-wedding people.
I ran back and grabbed one of your gifts from the suite.
I can't show up to a wedding empty-handed.
Erin, it's not a wedding.
It's a It's a Ren Faire, a Renaissance Festival.
I don't know what you mean, but you'll tell me later.
- Let's go.
- Stick.
- What are you doing? - Erin, it's fine.
Stick.
Stick! Poke me again, weirdo.
Stick, not now.
What's with the stick? He's just trying to play with you.
Play? Like mug? Well, he's he's harmless.
He's performing.
What the are you talking about? Listen, Mom called Dr.
Bloom.
She's waiting to see you in the city.
We can be there in a few hours.
People upstate are so overweight.
Mom, I told you to wait out in the car.
All right, time to cut the , dear.
- Brett has been crying.
- Oh.
Now, you'll go together to Dr.
Bloom, and you'll work it out.
- Together? - Mm-hmm.
Mom, do you even know what happened? Oh, yeah, everyone knows what happened, darling.
It meant nothing.
One last hurrah.
I see you got his side already.
Guys like Brett don't just show up on JSwipe every day.
Trust me.
You're playing this all wrong, dear.
When Erin's father cheated on me [CHUCKLES.]
I got a schooner.
You're almost geriatric, as far as fertility.
I can hear your eggs cracking, and Erin's IVF put a real dent in my safari budget.
- Shut up, Mom.
- Well, it's true.
Do you really want to throw away everything you almost had? I don't know.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, this place is skeeving me out.
I did everything.
What? Everything was the best.
Everything was perfect.
- Well - And for what? So I could walk in on my perfect fiancé getting a perfect an hour before my perfect ceremony? Or maybe so I can be just like you, Erin married and mean and dragging my yoga ass to Balthazar every Sunday with my bitchy friends so we can whine about private schools and how much we hate our husbands.
I hate Balthazar.
You hate everything! Mandy, darling, we can fix this without anyone even knowing.
Like good plastic surgery.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Which we should talk about.
Um, under chin.
I think you're beautiful.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not going back with you.
BOTH: What? I'm staying.
Here.
Nay.
Hither.
Isn't this someone else's wedding? What do you mean? That's ridiculous.
[LAUGHING.]
Maybe it is ridiculous.
And maybe it's not perfect for once in my life.
And maybe if I don't go back with you, then then then m-maybe, uh I'll find my leidenschaft.
[BOTH GASP.]
Veyismir, she's speaking German.
I wasn't gonna tell you this, but people are mad, Amanda.
Brett made a mistake, but you made a mess and just ran away.
Come on, Mom.
You had such a nice prenup.
ERIN: Mom! [SIGHS.]
Stick? Scotch? Mmm, God, that's good.
It's so nice not to have my mother mouthing at me across the table, "Stop eating.
" - That's awful.
- You think that's awful? She fired my favorite nanny because she was too pretty.
I loved Hilda.
Oh, honey, of course you did.
And Hilda loved you.
This is like camp.
I mean, it is camp.
We camp.
[SLURRING.]
I was gonna be a counselor, but then I did a summer immersion at the Sorbonne.
I ate so much bread.
And, oh, Tiffany blue accents.
I got the sweetest little mason jars, and we just, like, set them around, and we had, like, a citronella perimeter getting it was gonna it was gonna be really good.
Erin thinks that she's so cool because she has a summer house in the Hamptons.
I mean, she's not even north of the highway.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You know, ma'am, I'm an alcoholic, and even I think you should slow down.
Lightweight.
So, you speak French.
- Oui.
- I speak German.
- Do you? - Yeah, I told you.
- I was a double major.
- Gotcha.
Brett used to leave all these teensy, tiny, little hairs all over the sink.
Beard or pubes? Beard or pubes? I don't know which I don't I don't want to play that game.
I love that game.
Does he not love me anymore? Why does he not love me? Ah, I win.
- Regret that immediately.
- Oh, yeah.
I give great I learned from a gay guy.
I swirl under the helmet.
I rule.
Have you ever been in love? I have, yeah.
Me, too.
[SIGHS.]
This doesn't end in an orgy, does it? Not on Sundays.
Can you imagine biting off your own tongue? She's been out since yesterday.
Every summer, these wild Ren Faire people get into all kinds of trouble.
She had these business cards in her pouch that said, "Ye Old Lord Executioner for all of your torturous needs," whatever that means.
S&M, obviously.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Ugh, nothing but losers, weirdos, and sex freaks real fringy people, you know.
I do love the turkey legs, though.
Oh, sure.
Everyone does.
Mm.