And Just Like That... (2021) s01e01 Episode Script
Hello It's Me
1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Jeremy, party of five! - That's us! Ooh, oh.
Ah! Excuse me.
Whew.
[CHUCKLES.]
Remember when we had to legally stand six feet apart from one another? Yeah, I miss it.
- Excuse us.
- Oh, excuse us.
Sorry.
Carrie? Is that Bitsy von Muffling? - Carrie.
Excuse me.
- Yep, that's Bitsy.
I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.
Oh, it's been forever.
Do we hug or bump elbows? Sign language, smoke signals.
Where are we these days? And, and where's the fourth musketeer? Where's Samantha? Oh, um, she's no longer with us.
No, no, no, no.
She didn't die.
CHARLOTTE: Oh no! No, no.
I'm so sorry, no.
I just meant she's not with us.
- She's in London.
- Oh, thank God.
After the horror show we've been through, I just assume anyone I haven't seen in a while has passed on, or gave up and moved to Palm Beach.
- No, she moved to the U.
K.
for work.
- Smart.
Sexy sirens in their 60s are still viable over there.
- Well, enjoy.
- FRIEND: Bitsy, are you coming? GROUP: Bye! Remember when we couldn't air kiss hello or goodbye? Yes, I miss it.
Carrie, party of three! - Yay! Yes, that's us.
Yay.
- Nice! Here we go.
I stepped on a used condom in Brady's room this morning.
- Eww - Wait! I was barefoot at the time.
Okay now.
Ooh, does anyone wanna split the croque madame? I will.
Did you hear what I said? Mm-hm.
Are we getting fries with that? I stepped on my son's semen before coffee.
We are definitely getting fries with that.
- Hmm.
- This is totally on Steve and me.
We started letting Luisa spend the night because we like her, and now Brady's bedroom floor is a minefield.
Well, it's good he's using protection.
Now that is seeing the condom as half full.
When do you start school? What? I changed the subject.
Life's too short.
I'm starting with spring semester next week.
- Wow.
- Oh, really? Next week? Are you gonna, you know Go crazy? Too late, already happened.
No, color your hair.
Now where is that darn waitperson with the check? - We haven't even ordered yet.
- Oh, I know, but I want out now.
I just think the gray ages you.
No, you think the gray ages you because if we're friends, and I am this age, you can't be whatever age you're pretending to be.
I am not pretending to be any age.
- I am 55.
- What? You want a medal? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Can I get a medal? Yes, you can, and when I turn 55 in 10 years, I would like a medal as well.
- Thank you.
- And Why are you just going after me? Carrie dyes her hair, too.
Yeah, but hers is obvious.
You're trying to pass.
Yeah, but obvious in a good way, right? 'Cause this kind of "obvious," it don't come cheap.
You look great gray, but I miss the red.
And I just thought it might be fun, you know, for the start of school.
Yeah, for all your playdates and things.
Charlotte, I'm getting a Master's in Human Rights to pair with my law degree, so, hopefully, I can become an advocate for women who need one.
I don't have to be a spicy redhead to do that.
I mean, we can't just stay who we were.
- Right? - Absolutely.
And there are more important issues in the world than trying to look young.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg dyed her hair.
Mic drop.
Wow, I've gotta get him.
Do you see his hat? Looks like a light fixture.
- For my Instagram.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
How's all that goin'? Uh, you know, when I first started doing it, it was really just for me, you know, just for fun, posting strangers who have interesting style, but now that I'm on that podcast, it's kind of growing into a thing.
Wow.
Instagram, podcast.
I guess you're passing as younger, too.
Still haven't listened to it, have you? Carrie, I love you to death, but I draw the line at podcasts.
I just ran into LTW in the ladies' room.
Great! I don't know what that means.
Lisa Todd Wexley.
Everyone at school calls her LTW.
Now, is LTW a person, - or a sorority you hope to pledge.
- I know, I know.
I sound so silly, but she's just so cool.
She is a documentarian, and a humanitarian.
And her husband, Herbert, is an investment banker who might run for mayor.
And she's on the International "Vogue" Best-Dressed List.
Wow, I think I need a nap.
We are on the parent school board together, so, this year, we've been getting to know each other better 'cause she signed her son, Henry, up to study with the same piano teacher that Lily studies with.
- Oh, which reminds me - To breathe? You haven't RSVP'd yet for Lily's piano recital.
Oh, I know.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I can't go.
Big and I are driving out east on Wednesday.
Can't you drive out Friday? 'Cause Lily has been practicing for this night every day for a year.
Sweetie, I know, but Big already took time off.
But you could go to the Hamptons with Big any time.
And this concert is at the Manhattan School of Music.
It's a very big deal.
The Manhattan School of Music, Carrie.
The Manhattan School of Music.
I'm sorry, where is the concert again? All right, I'll talk to him.
I will.
- Oh, hi! - I don't wanna interrupt.
- Oh, you're not interrupting! - Hi.
These are my very best friends, Miranda and Carrie.
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Lisa.
Charlotte has told me so much about you both.
Well, we just got the crash course on you, too.
- Oh no.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- That's a great bracelet.
- It's interesting, right? It's this 20-year-old out of Jackson, Mississippi, I came across online.
- She's amazing.
- Oh, that's great.
Oh my God.
Who ordered the French fries? I'd have to know you a lot longer before I confessed that.
- Can I have one? - Sure, they're cold.
- But they're still greasy, right? - [GROUP LAUGHING.]
- So bad, they're good.
- Ooh, yikes, I'm gonna be late.
I have to go do a podcast.
- They're like jury duty now.
- Yeah, I should go, too.
Um, it was really, really nice to meet you.
Any friend of French fries is a friend of mine.
Hope to see you again.
- Yeah, same here.
- Bye! - Sit! - What did you get at Oscar? - Show me.
- Oh, it's for the girls.
- Ta-da! - [GASPS.]
It's gorg.
I just wanted them to have something so special for Lily's big night.
Henry is gonna bomb this recital.
- Oh, no, he won't.
- It's my fault.
I started him too late.
I have to force him to practice.
I literally have to pry his fingers off the PlayStation, and put them on the keyboard.
Well, you know what? He's a beginner.
People will understand.
People might, but my mother-in-law won't.
She's a world-renowned concert pianist, and an even more accomplished pain in my ass.
Oh, my friends are waiting.
I'll call you later.
- Bye.
- Bye! I'll talk to you soon.
LISA: Yes! Bye.
MIRANDA: Don't stress if you can't make the recital.
Her piano teacher rents that venue.
It's the Park Avenue equivalent of "every kid gets a trophy.
" Still, I should go.
Charlotte's an amazingly supportive friend.
- She listens to the podcast.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES.]
You know, it is kinda like she's dead Samantha.
We never even talk about her.
Well, what is there to say? I told her that because of, you know, what the book business is now, it just didn't make sense for me to keep her on as a publicist.
She said, "Fine," - and then fired me as a friend.
- She didn't fire you.
Okay, she stopped returning my calls.
You know Samantha.
- Her pride got damaged.
- Which was why I kept leaving her voicemails, asking her to please call me back, so we could talk about this and fix it.
Look, I understand that she was upset, but I thought I was more to her than an ATM.
You are.
- She was embarrassed.
- So embarrassed she took a job and moved to London? Wait, have you spoken to her? No, neither has Charlotte.
I mean, we texted and called, but we never heard back.
- Do you think, maybe, if you - I did.
Multiple texts.
- And nothing.
- Okay.
Well, then I guess that's all we can, you know, do.
- So weird.
- I know.
I always thought the four of us would be friends forever.
- Anyway, up I go.
- Okay.
- Okay, thanks for walking me.
- Sure.
Hey, Carrie My hair? Fabulous.
Hi, everyone.
That's it? That's all the greeting I get after I rescued you? Are you talking to me or Burton? 'Cause you rescued me, too.
Lily, that is a terrible thing to say.
I know.
That's why I said it.
Well, never say it again, and, for the record, you rescued me.
Mwah! - Please love me.
- Mom, don't be so needy.
I am not being needy.
He's withholding.
- Do you wanna see your dress? - Mm-hm.
Do you wanna see the dress, Richard Burton? Do you wanna see the dress, hm? Da-da-da-da! - So pretty! - I love it.
And what's in the other bag? A dress for Rose, of course.
[SCOFFS.]
- We are here! - Hit it, kiddo.
Hit it hard.
Ooh, nicely done.
Okay, go for it, Dad.
Harry, you better not have your hands on those walls again! I don't! Much Just once or twice.
- I'm gettin' really good, babe.
- You are ridiculous.
- But it keeps you guessin'.
- Yes.
Rose, honey, let me show you the dress I got you for Lily's concert.
I am gettin' there.
Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
- Isn't it pretty? - Ooh.
Okay define pretty.
- Uh, Dad? - HARRY: What? Bike helmet not a good look on a 58-year-old Jew? [LAUGHS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Oh, honey, I'm home! - Hey, kid.
Let the wine begin.
Mmm.
Is that supposed to make me forget that you're a half-hour late? - Did it? - Oh yeah.
Then my work here is done.
How was your day? Perfect.
The Dow and the Mets both up.
CARRIE: Very nice.
Hey that shady fish guy tried to slip me some low-rent salmon again.
I said, "At these prices?" Oh, no, sir.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not the Copper River sockeye salmon.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What? - I'm just wondering who this person is I'm looking at because I remember when you kept your sweaters in the stove.
I remember when your hair was black.
Oh, that's really uncalled for.
- Totally uncalled for.
- You wanna go there, huh? 'Cause I can go there.
Well why don't you stop going there, and go there, and put on the album du jour.
Okay, Mr.
Big.
What letter we up to? "R," last night was Ronstadt.
That's right.
Yep, Ronstadt.
Here we are.
So, tonight is Todd Rundgren.
- Oh, that's my favorite fucking album.
- Fucking album.
You know, you've said that about pretty much every album since we started this little dinner ritual waaay back on day three of the lockdown.
- What's your point? - My point is - You got a lot of favorites.
- JOHN: Yes, I do.
["HELLO IT'S ME" BY TODD RUNDGREN PLAYING.]
But this guy This guy and this song this song.
[SINGS ALONG.]
Hello it's me I've thought about us for a long, long time Maybe I think too much but something's wrong There's something here doesn't last too long Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine Oh, I'm yours, and I'm hungry.
Okay, what do I do to help? - Salt the fish, please.
- [CHUCKLES.]
'Kay.
Seeing you Hey, can we wait to drive out - to the Hamptons 'til Friday? - Or seeing anything Charlotte really wants me to go to Lily's recital on Thursday.
Thank you.
Do you wanna come with me? Didn't think so.
Well, what are you gonna do that night? Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be spending the night at home with Allegra.
Oh, her again? Yes, jealous? That's enough salt.
Yeah, I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of your Peloton instructor.
Well, you should be.
You know she's from Barcelona? - She motivates me.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES.]
And she's giving me a special shout-out on my thousandth ride.
Aw, you love shout-outs.
Think of me You know that I'd be with you if I could - I'll come around - 'Round to see you once in a while Or if you ever need a reason to smile And spend the night if you think I should Pepper.
[DEEP BASS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh.
Hi.
Could I get a glass of Chablis, please? Oh, we don't open 'til 11.
- It's 11:00 somewhere.
- Sorry, ma'am.
Okay, I'll wait.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, that's where the professor sits.
Oh, sorry.
Thanks.
Thank you.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
That's where the professor sits.
Uh, sorry, he just told me.
- Someone's quick with the pronouns.
- Uh, it's fine.
I am the professor.
- Wa Y-You're the professor? - Yeah.
- You're Nya Wallace? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Why do you seem so surprised? Well, your braids.
A law professor can't have hair like mine? - Why is that? - Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't, I didn't mean because of the braids.
I was, I was I, I was just thrown because the braids are, are so different than the hair in your photo on the Columbia website.
My comment had nothing whatsoever to do with it being a Black hairstyle.
I, I knew that you were Black when I signed up for this class.
Uh, that was important to me.
You signed up for this class because I'm Black? Well, not just because you're Black.
I picked this class because you're such a force in academia on top of everything you do as a community activist.
God, I sound like such a brown-nose.
I mean, um please just forget that I ever said anything about your hair.
Hair has nothing whatsoever to do with, uh, appropriateness, or intelligence, or gravitas, obviously.
I mean, do I look like someone who attaches any significance to hair? I, I let mine go gray, and I don't care if it makes me look old.
Not that I'm ageist.
Do I sound ageist? You really want me to answer that question? I am so sorry for taking everyone's time.
This is not at all who I am.
I will just be quiet now.
Okay, uh - Hi, hi, hello, everyone.
- [ALL GREET PROFESSOR.]
Welcome to Policies and Principles of Humanitarian Law.
I am Professor Nya Wallace, and before we delve into this complicated and important work, I just want to clear up that on the Columbia University website, I am rockin' a short Halle Berry, right? This is "X, Y, and Me," the podcast that talks about gender roles, sexual roles, and cinnamon rolls.
All the roles I care passionately about.
Representing the cisgender women is Carrie Bradshaw.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, Ms.
Cis.
And representing the cishet men is the dude himself, Jackie Nee.
What up, sista-brotha? [LAUGHS.]
That's right because I'm both and neither.
I am Che Diaz, your host.
And queer, nonbinary, Mexican, Irish diva representing everyone else outside these two boring genders.
SOUNDBOARD: Woke moment! - [LAUGHING.]
- And yes, I know that no one person can represent all the genders, and sexual orientations, or an entire race, and I, I fully acknowledge that we are complicated, diverse beings here on this wondrous planet all just striving to be our very best self.
- Many of us just tryin' to get laid.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
Or at least that's what we talk about on my show, so let's figure some shit out.
- Who's got what? - I'll go.
- CARRIE: Oh, okay.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Hello.
- I have a question for you about women.
What is it, Jackie? Why don't you see women jerkin' it on the subway? I'm hoping that's a multiple choice question.
Yeah, good one, Jackie.
I was worried you were gonna ask something sophomoric, like, "What can I, as a straight cis male", "personally do to eradicate the harmful patriarchal system of the gender binary, and compulsory heterosexuality?" No, but for serious, I see dudes masturbating everywhere.
I saw a guy jerkin' off on the J train today.
I guess that's what the "J" stands for.
And the "A" train stands for anal.
- Oh, that must be why I don't ride it.
- [JACKIE LAUGHS.]
SOUNDBOARD: Woke moment! Sexual expression of any kind should always be discussed and consented to by all parties involved.
Unless it's just you and your sex toys.
Then, go ahead! - [JACKIE LAUGHS.]
- Surprise yourself.
CHE: All right, let's, uh, move off the prototypes, - and into the personal.
Jackie - Yeah.
Have you ever masturbated out in pub Nah, you know what? Let's just speed this along.
Is there any public place where you haven't masturbated? - Uh nah.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
I like to masturbate at Yankee Stadium.
Well, my version of masturbation.
I, uh, I wear a Yankees cap, and I just, uh, I sit there sippin' a beer, and I really get off on watching the bros try to figure out what I am.
And it's not just the dudes.
It's also the ladies.
- I'm an equal opportunity confuser.
- [JACKIE CHUCKLES.]
- What about you, Carrie? - Oh, me? What? What? What? Oh.
What about, What about me? Oh, oh, oh Oh, are you ask You're asking me about, about masturbation? Yes, I'm, I'm asking you about masturbation.
Particularly you.
Do you masturbate? Uh, I would like to buy a vowel, please.
[GIGGLING.]
Sorry, I don't I don't know what that means.
Um, okay, yes, sorry.
Let's see.
Ooh, yes.
I'm here, okay.
Yes, go.
I'm here.
Yes.
Um have you ever masturbated in a public place? Uh, well, uh, not since Barneys closed.
- CHE: Hmm.
- Uh, what's Barneys? Okay, now that's offensive.
[STREET NOISE.]
What are we thinkin' time frame-wise about our next IVF round? I don't know, Andre.
Uh, my body still feels off from that last round, and why're we talkin' about this as I'm gettin' on mass transit? Uh, Samuel was just kinda pushing me about whether I'm going out on the tour or not.
- Now you're pushing me? - ANDRE: Am I? Um, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
My bad.
I just ANDRE: I didn't wanna keep him hangin'.
They've been so good to me.
No, I get that, um Uh I guess what I'm saying is, um I'm feeling [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Can't talk right now.
ANDRE: No, no.
Uh, go ahead, Ny.
- You're feelin' what? - I can't talk right now, Andre Rashad.
I have a student lookin' right at me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shit, she's comin' over here.
Okay, I gotta go.
Uh, I'll be home soon.
I'll set dinner.
Nothin' but love.
Okay, bye.
I just wanted to introduce myself in a non-manic, non-crazy lady way.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm Miranda Hobbes, and that, I don't even know what to call it, - performance I gave about your hair - It's fine.
- We don't have to do that again.
- MIRANDA: Oh, I hear ya.
I, I just wanted you to know that I am, actually, a serious person, and that being in your class means a lot to me.
- I, I quit - [LOUD GUITAR RIFF PLAYING.]
I, uh [TALKING LOUDER.]
: I left corporate law, recently, after almost 30 years because I couldn't be part of the problem anymore.
I was at home watching CNN when the Muslim ban was initiated, and I saw all those attorneys out at the airport offering assistance, and I just The next thing I knew, I was in a cab goin' to JFK to do something, anything because, you know my wearing a pink pussy hat just wasn't cutting it.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch a lot of that.
Probably just as well.
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.
A.
.]
Hey, Carrie.
You got a minute? Oh, sure That was a funny show today.
- I like the gloves.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, they're really mostly for elevator buttons and handrails.
It's just a little something I started during the pandemic.
- Seems to be hangin' in there.
- [CHE CHUCKLES.]
So, about today's show, you need to dialogue with us more.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Oh, um, no, go ahead.
I'll, I'll ride down with you.
Okay.
Oh, just a few quick puffs.
I'm so wired after a show.
- You want a hit? - No, I'm, I'm good, thank you.
Yeah, so you can't just sit there giggling.
You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, um, I'm really stronger when people call in with relationship questions.
You know, today turned kind of raunchy.
Well, that's where it goes sometimes, and you need to go with it, or the trolls will label you "the uptight cisgender female married lady.
" - And that's not who you are.
- It's not? I know you got more.
C'mon, I mean, you had a column about sexuality in a mainstream newspaper in the fuckin' 1990s.
You're the OG.
You are badass.
Well, you know, that was writing at a desk.
I'm not a stand-up like you two.
I'm, I'm not comfortable with the more graphic content, you know, it's just It's not me.
Hmm, you might wanna step out of that box.
Surprise yourself.
Just a suggestion.
Well, in, in my defense, I did do that anal joke - about not riding the A train.
- That was good! - See? Don't hold yourself back.
- [SOFTLY.]
: Okay.
You were You were so funny at your job interview.
Yeah, but that was like our first date, you know? I gave you all my good stuff.
Look, I really want this to work out for all of us, so I say this with love ya better step your pussy up.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, so what're you gonna do? I'm gonna step my pussy up? - Hmm, was that a question? - No.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna step my pussy up.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Do you masturbate? I feel like that's a trick question.
- Do you? - Uh, Senator, I'm gonna wait for my counsel before I respond to that.
Is this for your new book? For the podcast.
I have to step my pussy up.
Well, I don't know what we're talkin' about, but I like the sound of it.
Well do you? - Do you? - Yes.
Well, next time give me a heads up.
I'd like to attend that event.
You have my Linkedln address, right? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Masturbate for me.
I wanna see you.
- Okay, what are you doing? - I'm surprising myself.
Well, you're surprising the hell outta me, too.
Are you gonna join me? Mm-mm, I just wanna watch.
With or without my glasses? Ahem What're you doing? Getting some lube.
I'm not 30.
[CHUCKLES.]
I thought you were reaching for your emergency nitroglycerin pill.
[SIGHS.]
You want me to masturbate or not? [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
- Come here.
- Mm-mm.
Just do what you usually do.
Pretend I'm not here.
[EXHALING.]
[GROANS.]
- Oh, Carrie! - [CHUCKLES.]
Oh my, Carrie! I must have you! - That's some "Bridgerton" shit there.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES.]
- Look at you.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES.]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Hello, lovers.
Oh the weekly cigar, and Allegra on the same night? I'm all in, baby.
Do you notice anything special? Nope.
[CHUCKLES.]
I see the wedding shoes.
How could I not? Those blue shoes are the whole ball game.
CARRIE: Hey, I was thinking, if I get home early enough, maybe we can drive out east tonight.
Would you be up for that? Depends how spent I am after Allegra.
All right, well just text me and let me know and I won't go out for a drink after.
Okay I'll see you later.
Hm? What? I'm just looking at you.
All right, tell that whore Allegra I said bye.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Please put this dress on.
I want us all in florals.
I wanna wear what I wanna wear.
What is the problem? It isn't even poofy.
Rose, we're gonna be late! - And it's Lily's big night.
- Leave me out of this.
What's the holdup? What's happenin'? What's happening is that Rose won't wear her dress.
I picked something else to wear! Can't she just wear what she wants to wear? No, Harry, no.
I bought this Oscar de la Renta - special for tonight.
- Okay, okay.
- How about if I wear it? - [ROSE CHUCKLES.]
Rose, baby can you just wear the dress? CHARLOTTE: Please? Please.
For me? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hey, you.
I like your outfit.
- It's really cute, right? Hi, hi, hi! Sorry we're a little late! What the hell is with that getup? She looks like a little Edie Beale.
Anthony, not now.
Not in front of the Manhattan School of Music, okay? Hey, I have everybody's tickets! [ALL GREETING.]
Steve-o, long time, no see.
- What's new? - Hey, I got hearing aids.
- I'm an old timer now.
- No, you're not.
You only have 60% hearing loss in one ear, and 40% in the other.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm old.
- Ugh! Honey, I think we should get Lily backstage, don't you? - Yes, I agree.
- Lily! Here, tickets.
- Brady, here are your tickets.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Good luck! Are you nervous? - Not really.
I've played this piece like a billion times.
Oh my God, I wanna be you.
- Go! - I'll see you all inside! Have a good show! Anthony, I gave Stanford's ticket to Carrie.
- Okay.
- I got it.
- So, where's your better half? - He's late.
- He couldn't decide what to wear.
- Of course.
Well, there he is! Hey, good lookin'! - Whatcha got cookin'? - You left?! - You just left?! - Oh, we're not in the same place.
I told you I wasn't waiting.
What kind of person just leaves? Steve, would you ever just leave Miranda? - Oh, boy.
- What? What he say? You were picking out a suit for an hour and a half.
Periwinkle or tan? Periwinkle or tan? It didn't friggin' matter! I'm goin' in.
Carrie has your ticket.
- I do.
- Did I kiss you hello yet? Mm-mm.
What was all that? - Us on a good night.
- Oh, Lord.
Everyone was looking at me like I was the white lady who couldn't stop saying the word "Black.
" It's a miracle nobody pulled out their phone, or I would be a meme now.
What do you think was goin' on with you? I think I was just so worried about saying the wrong thing in this climate that I said all the wrong things.
I'm sure you didn't say all the wrong things.
You're right.
I'll probably blurt out some new ones tomorrow.
God, is this even moving? I really have to go.
Well, there's no line for the men's room, as usual.
Fuck it.
I'm 55, and I have to pee.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.
Please find your way to your seats.
It's funny, you couldn't stop talking, and my boss told me if I wanna keep my podcast job, which I do, I'm gonna have to start talking, and a lot more graphically about sex.
MIRANDA: That's not who you are.
Well, we can't stay who we were, right? Oh, yeah, no, you're in the right place.
Sorry, I'm just standing guard for my friend.
She'll be done any second now.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- See? - Just - Hey.
- Hello, again.
- Oh yeah.
Oh, excuse me, ma'am.
- Hey, where's Stanny? - He's in the balcony.
He'll meet ya in the lobby to go for a drink after.
Hope you like your Cosmos with a side of drama.
Charlotte gave his seat to Rose.
- Well, what's he doing in the balcony? - Actin' out.
Accused me of scrollin' hot boys at a friggin' kids' piano recital.
- Well, what're you doin'? - Scrollin' hot boys for my sourdough business.
Hotfellas Bread is not gonna find its own hot fellas to deliver the bread.
So true.
- Well, what about him? - Unavail.
- CARRIE: Well, he's hot.
- Unavail.
Not hot, not hot, not hot.
- Well, he looks like he could kill you.
- Hot.
Who wants wine? Carrie? Oh, sure.
I love some good purse wine.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hi, Charlotte.
- Hi, how are you? [GASPS.]
Miranda.
What? I had a rough first day of school, and I'm lookin' at two hours of tween Mozart.
Let it go.
- Charlotte Hi! - Hi! I wanted you to meet my mother-in-law, Eunice Wexley.
- Oh, it is so nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- Uh, Lisa, where am I seated? - I have you seated here with Herbert Jr.
and Gabrielle in this row right in front of Herbert and myself.
This far back? Yes God.
[GASPS.]
Miranda brought wine.
She had a rough first day of school.
My hero.
May I have some? Here, give that to Black Charlotte.
- You sure you good? - I got this.
All right, you got this.
[APPLAUSE.]
[BENCH SCRAPING.]
[SCRAPING CONTINUES.]
All right, uh, he don't got this.
[SOFTLY.]
: No.
[PLAYING "MINUET IN G MAJOR" BY BACH.]
[PLAYS WRONG NOTES.]
[PLAYS WRONG NOTES.]
[WINE POURING.]
I think my soul just left my body.
- Pass.
- Don't you want to know what it is? Is it alcoholic in nature? Then pass.
Thank you.
[PLAYING WRONG NOTES.]
Welcome to Peloton.
I'm Allegra Planche, and thank you for joining me for this 45-minute power ride.
- Let's go! - Yes! [PLAYING SKILLFULLY.]
- Tell your son to stop.
- What? They're making out.
It's your turn.
I can't always be the bad guy.
Mom, we will not be sex-shamed.
Tell Luisa I got the message.
[APPLAUSE.]
[PLAYING "PIANO SONATA NO.
14 IN C SHARP MINOR" BY BEETHOVEN.]
In three, two, one, pick it up! [PIANO CONTINUES.]
Ah, sÃ, señor! [ALLEGRA SPEAKING SPANISH.]
ALLEGRA: Now, we sprint.
Three, two, one, go! Whew! Celebrate yourself! [PIANO CONTINUES.]
We have a three-minute climb.
Three, two, one, arriba! Now we sprint! Three, two, one, go! [PANTING.]
Shit! [PIANO CONTINUES.]
["SONATA" ENDS.]
[CHEERS.]
Yeah, Lily! Woo! Woo! Thanks, thanks.
I need to stay at your old apartment again tonight.
I'm not going home to that selfish, self-involved, sourdough Mussolini.
I can't get a drink.
Big and I are gonna drive out to the beach tonight.
Oh, fuck me.
I'm sorry.
Here.
Here's the key.
Oh, go.
I had one made after our last fight.
- Nighty-night.
- Good night.
Good night.
- [HORN BEEPS.]
- Oh, oh.
Hmm.
- [WATER RUNNING.]
- I'm here.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
John? [SCREAMS.]
John! Oh, God! Oh God, John! Oh! John! Honey! John! Honey? Oh! Honey! [MUTTERING.]
John! John.
John.
[SOFTLY.]
: John.
John.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, God! [CRIES.]
John.
John.
John.
John.
John.
And just like that Big died.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Jeremy, party of five! - That's us! Ooh, oh.
Ah! Excuse me.
Whew.
[CHUCKLES.]
Remember when we had to legally stand six feet apart from one another? Yeah, I miss it.
- Excuse us.
- Oh, excuse us.
Sorry.
Carrie? Is that Bitsy von Muffling? - Carrie.
Excuse me.
- Yep, that's Bitsy.
I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.
Oh, it's been forever.
Do we hug or bump elbows? Sign language, smoke signals.
Where are we these days? And, and where's the fourth musketeer? Where's Samantha? Oh, um, she's no longer with us.
No, no, no, no.
She didn't die.
CHARLOTTE: Oh no! No, no.
I'm so sorry, no.
I just meant she's not with us.
- She's in London.
- Oh, thank God.
After the horror show we've been through, I just assume anyone I haven't seen in a while has passed on, or gave up and moved to Palm Beach.
- No, she moved to the U.
K.
for work.
- Smart.
Sexy sirens in their 60s are still viable over there.
- Well, enjoy.
- FRIEND: Bitsy, are you coming? GROUP: Bye! Remember when we couldn't air kiss hello or goodbye? Yes, I miss it.
Carrie, party of three! - Yay! Yes, that's us.
Yay.
- Nice! Here we go.
I stepped on a used condom in Brady's room this morning.
- Eww - Wait! I was barefoot at the time.
Okay now.
Ooh, does anyone wanna split the croque madame? I will.
Did you hear what I said? Mm-hm.
Are we getting fries with that? I stepped on my son's semen before coffee.
We are definitely getting fries with that.
- Hmm.
- This is totally on Steve and me.
We started letting Luisa spend the night because we like her, and now Brady's bedroom floor is a minefield.
Well, it's good he's using protection.
Now that is seeing the condom as half full.
When do you start school? What? I changed the subject.
Life's too short.
I'm starting with spring semester next week.
- Wow.
- Oh, really? Next week? Are you gonna, you know Go crazy? Too late, already happened.
No, color your hair.
Now where is that darn waitperson with the check? - We haven't even ordered yet.
- Oh, I know, but I want out now.
I just think the gray ages you.
No, you think the gray ages you because if we're friends, and I am this age, you can't be whatever age you're pretending to be.
I am not pretending to be any age.
- I am 55.
- What? You want a medal? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Can I get a medal? Yes, you can, and when I turn 55 in 10 years, I would like a medal as well.
- Thank you.
- And Why are you just going after me? Carrie dyes her hair, too.
Yeah, but hers is obvious.
You're trying to pass.
Yeah, but obvious in a good way, right? 'Cause this kind of "obvious," it don't come cheap.
You look great gray, but I miss the red.
And I just thought it might be fun, you know, for the start of school.
Yeah, for all your playdates and things.
Charlotte, I'm getting a Master's in Human Rights to pair with my law degree, so, hopefully, I can become an advocate for women who need one.
I don't have to be a spicy redhead to do that.
I mean, we can't just stay who we were.
- Right? - Absolutely.
And there are more important issues in the world than trying to look young.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg dyed her hair.
Mic drop.
Wow, I've gotta get him.
Do you see his hat? Looks like a light fixture.
- For my Instagram.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
How's all that goin'? Uh, you know, when I first started doing it, it was really just for me, you know, just for fun, posting strangers who have interesting style, but now that I'm on that podcast, it's kind of growing into a thing.
Wow.
Instagram, podcast.
I guess you're passing as younger, too.
Still haven't listened to it, have you? Carrie, I love you to death, but I draw the line at podcasts.
I just ran into LTW in the ladies' room.
Great! I don't know what that means.
Lisa Todd Wexley.
Everyone at school calls her LTW.
Now, is LTW a person, - or a sorority you hope to pledge.
- I know, I know.
I sound so silly, but she's just so cool.
She is a documentarian, and a humanitarian.
And her husband, Herbert, is an investment banker who might run for mayor.
And she's on the International "Vogue" Best-Dressed List.
Wow, I think I need a nap.
We are on the parent school board together, so, this year, we've been getting to know each other better 'cause she signed her son, Henry, up to study with the same piano teacher that Lily studies with.
- Oh, which reminds me - To breathe? You haven't RSVP'd yet for Lily's piano recital.
Oh, I know.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I can't go.
Big and I are driving out east on Wednesday.
Can't you drive out Friday? 'Cause Lily has been practicing for this night every day for a year.
Sweetie, I know, but Big already took time off.
But you could go to the Hamptons with Big any time.
And this concert is at the Manhattan School of Music.
It's a very big deal.
The Manhattan School of Music, Carrie.
The Manhattan School of Music.
I'm sorry, where is the concert again? All right, I'll talk to him.
I will.
- Oh, hi! - I don't wanna interrupt.
- Oh, you're not interrupting! - Hi.
These are my very best friends, Miranda and Carrie.
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Lisa.
Charlotte has told me so much about you both.
Well, we just got the crash course on you, too.
- Oh no.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- That's a great bracelet.
- It's interesting, right? It's this 20-year-old out of Jackson, Mississippi, I came across online.
- She's amazing.
- Oh, that's great.
Oh my God.
Who ordered the French fries? I'd have to know you a lot longer before I confessed that.
- Can I have one? - Sure, they're cold.
- But they're still greasy, right? - [GROUP LAUGHING.]
- So bad, they're good.
- Ooh, yikes, I'm gonna be late.
I have to go do a podcast.
- They're like jury duty now.
- Yeah, I should go, too.
Um, it was really, really nice to meet you.
Any friend of French fries is a friend of mine.
Hope to see you again.
- Yeah, same here.
- Bye! - Sit! - What did you get at Oscar? - Show me.
- Oh, it's for the girls.
- Ta-da! - [GASPS.]
It's gorg.
I just wanted them to have something so special for Lily's big night.
Henry is gonna bomb this recital.
- Oh, no, he won't.
- It's my fault.
I started him too late.
I have to force him to practice.
I literally have to pry his fingers off the PlayStation, and put them on the keyboard.
Well, you know what? He's a beginner.
People will understand.
People might, but my mother-in-law won't.
She's a world-renowned concert pianist, and an even more accomplished pain in my ass.
Oh, my friends are waiting.
I'll call you later.
- Bye.
- Bye! I'll talk to you soon.
LISA: Yes! Bye.
MIRANDA: Don't stress if you can't make the recital.
Her piano teacher rents that venue.
It's the Park Avenue equivalent of "every kid gets a trophy.
" Still, I should go.
Charlotte's an amazingly supportive friend.
- She listens to the podcast.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES.]
You know, it is kinda like she's dead Samantha.
We never even talk about her.
Well, what is there to say? I told her that because of, you know, what the book business is now, it just didn't make sense for me to keep her on as a publicist.
She said, "Fine," - and then fired me as a friend.
- She didn't fire you.
Okay, she stopped returning my calls.
You know Samantha.
- Her pride got damaged.
- Which was why I kept leaving her voicemails, asking her to please call me back, so we could talk about this and fix it.
Look, I understand that she was upset, but I thought I was more to her than an ATM.
You are.
- She was embarrassed.
- So embarrassed she took a job and moved to London? Wait, have you spoken to her? No, neither has Charlotte.
I mean, we texted and called, but we never heard back.
- Do you think, maybe, if you - I did.
Multiple texts.
- And nothing.
- Okay.
Well, then I guess that's all we can, you know, do.
- So weird.
- I know.
I always thought the four of us would be friends forever.
- Anyway, up I go.
- Okay.
- Okay, thanks for walking me.
- Sure.
Hey, Carrie My hair? Fabulous.
Hi, everyone.
That's it? That's all the greeting I get after I rescued you? Are you talking to me or Burton? 'Cause you rescued me, too.
Lily, that is a terrible thing to say.
I know.
That's why I said it.
Well, never say it again, and, for the record, you rescued me.
Mwah! - Please love me.
- Mom, don't be so needy.
I am not being needy.
He's withholding.
- Do you wanna see your dress? - Mm-hm.
Do you wanna see the dress, Richard Burton? Do you wanna see the dress, hm? Da-da-da-da! - So pretty! - I love it.
And what's in the other bag? A dress for Rose, of course.
[SCOFFS.]
- We are here! - Hit it, kiddo.
Hit it hard.
Ooh, nicely done.
Okay, go for it, Dad.
Harry, you better not have your hands on those walls again! I don't! Much Just once or twice.
- I'm gettin' really good, babe.
- You are ridiculous.
- But it keeps you guessin'.
- Yes.
Rose, honey, let me show you the dress I got you for Lily's concert.
I am gettin' there.
Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
- Isn't it pretty? - Ooh.
Okay define pretty.
- Uh, Dad? - HARRY: What? Bike helmet not a good look on a 58-year-old Jew? [LAUGHS.]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Oh, honey, I'm home! - Hey, kid.
Let the wine begin.
Mmm.
Is that supposed to make me forget that you're a half-hour late? - Did it? - Oh yeah.
Then my work here is done.
How was your day? Perfect.
The Dow and the Mets both up.
CARRIE: Very nice.
Hey that shady fish guy tried to slip me some low-rent salmon again.
I said, "At these prices?" Oh, no, sir.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not the Copper River sockeye salmon.
[CHUCKLES.]
- What? - I'm just wondering who this person is I'm looking at because I remember when you kept your sweaters in the stove.
I remember when your hair was black.
Oh, that's really uncalled for.
- Totally uncalled for.
- You wanna go there, huh? 'Cause I can go there.
Well why don't you stop going there, and go there, and put on the album du jour.
Okay, Mr.
Big.
What letter we up to? "R," last night was Ronstadt.
That's right.
Yep, Ronstadt.
Here we are.
So, tonight is Todd Rundgren.
- Oh, that's my favorite fucking album.
- Fucking album.
You know, you've said that about pretty much every album since we started this little dinner ritual waaay back on day three of the lockdown.
- What's your point? - My point is - You got a lot of favorites.
- JOHN: Yes, I do.
["HELLO IT'S ME" BY TODD RUNDGREN PLAYING.]
But this guy This guy and this song this song.
[SINGS ALONG.]
Hello it's me I've thought about us for a long, long time Maybe I think too much but something's wrong There's something here doesn't last too long Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine Oh, I'm yours, and I'm hungry.
Okay, what do I do to help? - Salt the fish, please.
- [CHUCKLES.]
'Kay.
Seeing you Hey, can we wait to drive out - to the Hamptons 'til Friday? - Or seeing anything Charlotte really wants me to go to Lily's recital on Thursday.
Thank you.
Do you wanna come with me? Didn't think so.
Well, what are you gonna do that night? Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be spending the night at home with Allegra.
Oh, her again? Yes, jealous? That's enough salt.
Yeah, I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of your Peloton instructor.
Well, you should be.
You know she's from Barcelona? - She motivates me.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES.]
And she's giving me a special shout-out on my thousandth ride.
Aw, you love shout-outs.
Think of me You know that I'd be with you if I could - I'll come around - 'Round to see you once in a while Or if you ever need a reason to smile And spend the night if you think I should Pepper.
[DEEP BASS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh.
Hi.
Could I get a glass of Chablis, please? Oh, we don't open 'til 11.
- It's 11:00 somewhere.
- Sorry, ma'am.
Okay, I'll wait.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, that's where the professor sits.
Oh, sorry.
Thanks.
Thank you.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
That's where the professor sits.
Uh, sorry, he just told me.
- Someone's quick with the pronouns.
- Uh, it's fine.
I am the professor.
- Wa Y-You're the professor? - Yeah.
- You're Nya Wallace? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Why do you seem so surprised? Well, your braids.
A law professor can't have hair like mine? - Why is that? - Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't, I didn't mean because of the braids.
I was, I was I, I was just thrown because the braids are, are so different than the hair in your photo on the Columbia website.
My comment had nothing whatsoever to do with it being a Black hairstyle.
I, I knew that you were Black when I signed up for this class.
Uh, that was important to me.
You signed up for this class because I'm Black? Well, not just because you're Black.
I picked this class because you're such a force in academia on top of everything you do as a community activist.
God, I sound like such a brown-nose.
I mean, um please just forget that I ever said anything about your hair.
Hair has nothing whatsoever to do with, uh, appropriateness, or intelligence, or gravitas, obviously.
I mean, do I look like someone who attaches any significance to hair? I, I let mine go gray, and I don't care if it makes me look old.
Not that I'm ageist.
Do I sound ageist? You really want me to answer that question? I am so sorry for taking everyone's time.
This is not at all who I am.
I will just be quiet now.
Okay, uh - Hi, hi, hello, everyone.
- [ALL GREET PROFESSOR.]
Welcome to Policies and Principles of Humanitarian Law.
I am Professor Nya Wallace, and before we delve into this complicated and important work, I just want to clear up that on the Columbia University website, I am rockin' a short Halle Berry, right? This is "X, Y, and Me," the podcast that talks about gender roles, sexual roles, and cinnamon rolls.
All the roles I care passionately about.
Representing the cisgender women is Carrie Bradshaw.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, Ms.
Cis.
And representing the cishet men is the dude himself, Jackie Nee.
What up, sista-brotha? [LAUGHS.]
That's right because I'm both and neither.
I am Che Diaz, your host.
And queer, nonbinary, Mexican, Irish diva representing everyone else outside these two boring genders.
SOUNDBOARD: Woke moment! - [LAUGHING.]
- And yes, I know that no one person can represent all the genders, and sexual orientations, or an entire race, and I, I fully acknowledge that we are complicated, diverse beings here on this wondrous planet all just striving to be our very best self.
- Many of us just tryin' to get laid.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
Or at least that's what we talk about on my show, so let's figure some shit out.
- Who's got what? - I'll go.
- CARRIE: Oh, okay.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Hello.
- I have a question for you about women.
What is it, Jackie? Why don't you see women jerkin' it on the subway? I'm hoping that's a multiple choice question.
Yeah, good one, Jackie.
I was worried you were gonna ask something sophomoric, like, "What can I, as a straight cis male", "personally do to eradicate the harmful patriarchal system of the gender binary, and compulsory heterosexuality?" No, but for serious, I see dudes masturbating everywhere.
I saw a guy jerkin' off on the J train today.
I guess that's what the "J" stands for.
And the "A" train stands for anal.
- Oh, that must be why I don't ride it.
- [JACKIE LAUGHS.]
SOUNDBOARD: Woke moment! Sexual expression of any kind should always be discussed and consented to by all parties involved.
Unless it's just you and your sex toys.
Then, go ahead! - [JACKIE LAUGHS.]
- Surprise yourself.
CHE: All right, let's, uh, move off the prototypes, - and into the personal.
Jackie - Yeah.
Have you ever masturbated out in pub Nah, you know what? Let's just speed this along.
Is there any public place where you haven't masturbated? - Uh nah.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
I like to masturbate at Yankee Stadium.
Well, my version of masturbation.
I, uh, I wear a Yankees cap, and I just, uh, I sit there sippin' a beer, and I really get off on watching the bros try to figure out what I am.
And it's not just the dudes.
It's also the ladies.
- I'm an equal opportunity confuser.
- [JACKIE CHUCKLES.]
- What about you, Carrie? - Oh, me? What? What? What? Oh.
What about, What about me? Oh, oh, oh Oh, are you ask You're asking me about, about masturbation? Yes, I'm, I'm asking you about masturbation.
Particularly you.
Do you masturbate? Uh, I would like to buy a vowel, please.
[GIGGLING.]
Sorry, I don't I don't know what that means.
Um, okay, yes, sorry.
Let's see.
Ooh, yes.
I'm here, okay.
Yes, go.
I'm here.
Yes.
Um have you ever masturbated in a public place? Uh, well, uh, not since Barneys closed.
- CHE: Hmm.
- Uh, what's Barneys? Okay, now that's offensive.
[STREET NOISE.]
What are we thinkin' time frame-wise about our next IVF round? I don't know, Andre.
Uh, my body still feels off from that last round, and why're we talkin' about this as I'm gettin' on mass transit? Uh, Samuel was just kinda pushing me about whether I'm going out on the tour or not.
- Now you're pushing me? - ANDRE: Am I? Um, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
My bad.
I just ANDRE: I didn't wanna keep him hangin'.
They've been so good to me.
No, I get that, um Uh I guess what I'm saying is, um I'm feeling [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Can't talk right now.
ANDRE: No, no.
Uh, go ahead, Ny.
- You're feelin' what? - I can't talk right now, Andre Rashad.
I have a student lookin' right at me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shit, she's comin' over here.
Okay, I gotta go.
Uh, I'll be home soon.
I'll set dinner.
Nothin' but love.
Okay, bye.
I just wanted to introduce myself in a non-manic, non-crazy lady way.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm Miranda Hobbes, and that, I don't even know what to call it, - performance I gave about your hair - It's fine.
- We don't have to do that again.
- MIRANDA: Oh, I hear ya.
I, I just wanted you to know that I am, actually, a serious person, and that being in your class means a lot to me.
- I, I quit - [LOUD GUITAR RIFF PLAYING.]
I, uh [TALKING LOUDER.]
: I left corporate law, recently, after almost 30 years because I couldn't be part of the problem anymore.
I was at home watching CNN when the Muslim ban was initiated, and I saw all those attorneys out at the airport offering assistance, and I just The next thing I knew, I was in a cab goin' to JFK to do something, anything because, you know my wearing a pink pussy hat just wasn't cutting it.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch a lot of that.
Probably just as well.
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.
A.
.]
Hey, Carrie.
You got a minute? Oh, sure That was a funny show today.
- I like the gloves.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, they're really mostly for elevator buttons and handrails.
It's just a little something I started during the pandemic.
- Seems to be hangin' in there.
- [CHE CHUCKLES.]
So, about today's show, you need to dialogue with us more.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Oh, um, no, go ahead.
I'll, I'll ride down with you.
Okay.
Oh, just a few quick puffs.
I'm so wired after a show.
- You want a hit? - No, I'm, I'm good, thank you.
Yeah, so you can't just sit there giggling.
You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, um, I'm really stronger when people call in with relationship questions.
You know, today turned kind of raunchy.
Well, that's where it goes sometimes, and you need to go with it, or the trolls will label you "the uptight cisgender female married lady.
" - And that's not who you are.
- It's not? I know you got more.
C'mon, I mean, you had a column about sexuality in a mainstream newspaper in the fuckin' 1990s.
You're the OG.
You are badass.
Well, you know, that was writing at a desk.
I'm not a stand-up like you two.
I'm, I'm not comfortable with the more graphic content, you know, it's just It's not me.
Hmm, you might wanna step out of that box.
Surprise yourself.
Just a suggestion.
Well, in, in my defense, I did do that anal joke - about not riding the A train.
- That was good! - See? Don't hold yourself back.
- [SOFTLY.]
: Okay.
You were You were so funny at your job interview.
Yeah, but that was like our first date, you know? I gave you all my good stuff.
Look, I really want this to work out for all of us, so I say this with love ya better step your pussy up.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, so what're you gonna do? I'm gonna step my pussy up? - Hmm, was that a question? - No.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna step my pussy up.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Do you masturbate? I feel like that's a trick question.
- Do you? - Uh, Senator, I'm gonna wait for my counsel before I respond to that.
Is this for your new book? For the podcast.
I have to step my pussy up.
Well, I don't know what we're talkin' about, but I like the sound of it.
Well do you? - Do you? - Yes.
Well, next time give me a heads up.
I'd like to attend that event.
You have my Linkedln address, right? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Masturbate for me.
I wanna see you.
- Okay, what are you doing? - I'm surprising myself.
Well, you're surprising the hell outta me, too.
Are you gonna join me? Mm-mm, I just wanna watch.
With or without my glasses? Ahem What're you doing? Getting some lube.
I'm not 30.
[CHUCKLES.]
I thought you were reaching for your emergency nitroglycerin pill.
[SIGHS.]
You want me to masturbate or not? [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
- Come here.
- Mm-mm.
Just do what you usually do.
Pretend I'm not here.
[EXHALING.]
[GROANS.]
- Oh, Carrie! - [CHUCKLES.]
Oh my, Carrie! I must have you! - That's some "Bridgerton" shit there.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES.]
- Look at you.
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES.]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
Hello, lovers.
Oh the weekly cigar, and Allegra on the same night? I'm all in, baby.
Do you notice anything special? Nope.
[CHUCKLES.]
I see the wedding shoes.
How could I not? Those blue shoes are the whole ball game.
CARRIE: Hey, I was thinking, if I get home early enough, maybe we can drive out east tonight.
Would you be up for that? Depends how spent I am after Allegra.
All right, well just text me and let me know and I won't go out for a drink after.
Okay I'll see you later.
Hm? What? I'm just looking at you.
All right, tell that whore Allegra I said bye.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Please put this dress on.
I want us all in florals.
I wanna wear what I wanna wear.
What is the problem? It isn't even poofy.
Rose, we're gonna be late! - And it's Lily's big night.
- Leave me out of this.
What's the holdup? What's happenin'? What's happening is that Rose won't wear her dress.
I picked something else to wear! Can't she just wear what she wants to wear? No, Harry, no.
I bought this Oscar de la Renta - special for tonight.
- Okay, okay.
- How about if I wear it? - [ROSE CHUCKLES.]
Rose, baby can you just wear the dress? CHARLOTTE: Please? Please.
For me? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Hey, you.
I like your outfit.
- It's really cute, right? Hi, hi, hi! Sorry we're a little late! What the hell is with that getup? She looks like a little Edie Beale.
Anthony, not now.
Not in front of the Manhattan School of Music, okay? Hey, I have everybody's tickets! [ALL GREETING.]
Steve-o, long time, no see.
- What's new? - Hey, I got hearing aids.
- I'm an old timer now.
- No, you're not.
You only have 60% hearing loss in one ear, and 40% in the other.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm old.
- Ugh! Honey, I think we should get Lily backstage, don't you? - Yes, I agree.
- Lily! Here, tickets.
- Brady, here are your tickets.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Good luck! Are you nervous? - Not really.
I've played this piece like a billion times.
Oh my God, I wanna be you.
- Go! - I'll see you all inside! Have a good show! Anthony, I gave Stanford's ticket to Carrie.
- Okay.
- I got it.
- So, where's your better half? - He's late.
- He couldn't decide what to wear.
- Of course.
Well, there he is! Hey, good lookin'! - Whatcha got cookin'? - You left?! - You just left?! - Oh, we're not in the same place.
I told you I wasn't waiting.
What kind of person just leaves? Steve, would you ever just leave Miranda? - Oh, boy.
- What? What he say? You were picking out a suit for an hour and a half.
Periwinkle or tan? Periwinkle or tan? It didn't friggin' matter! I'm goin' in.
Carrie has your ticket.
- I do.
- Did I kiss you hello yet? Mm-mm.
What was all that? - Us on a good night.
- Oh, Lord.
Everyone was looking at me like I was the white lady who couldn't stop saying the word "Black.
" It's a miracle nobody pulled out their phone, or I would be a meme now.
What do you think was goin' on with you? I think I was just so worried about saying the wrong thing in this climate that I said all the wrong things.
I'm sure you didn't say all the wrong things.
You're right.
I'll probably blurt out some new ones tomorrow.
God, is this even moving? I really have to go.
Well, there's no line for the men's room, as usual.
Fuck it.
I'm 55, and I have to pee.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.
Please find your way to your seats.
It's funny, you couldn't stop talking, and my boss told me if I wanna keep my podcast job, which I do, I'm gonna have to start talking, and a lot more graphically about sex.
MIRANDA: That's not who you are.
Well, we can't stay who we were, right? Oh, yeah, no, you're in the right place.
Sorry, I'm just standing guard for my friend.
She'll be done any second now.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- See? - Just - Hey.
- Hello, again.
- Oh yeah.
Oh, excuse me, ma'am.
- Hey, where's Stanny? - He's in the balcony.
He'll meet ya in the lobby to go for a drink after.
Hope you like your Cosmos with a side of drama.
Charlotte gave his seat to Rose.
- Well, what's he doing in the balcony? - Actin' out.
Accused me of scrollin' hot boys at a friggin' kids' piano recital.
- Well, what're you doin'? - Scrollin' hot boys for my sourdough business.
Hotfellas Bread is not gonna find its own hot fellas to deliver the bread.
So true.
- Well, what about him? - Unavail.
- CARRIE: Well, he's hot.
- Unavail.
Not hot, not hot, not hot.
- Well, he looks like he could kill you.
- Hot.
Who wants wine? Carrie? Oh, sure.
I love some good purse wine.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hi, Charlotte.
- Hi, how are you? [GASPS.]
Miranda.
What? I had a rough first day of school, and I'm lookin' at two hours of tween Mozart.
Let it go.
- Charlotte Hi! - Hi! I wanted you to meet my mother-in-law, Eunice Wexley.
- Oh, it is so nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- Uh, Lisa, where am I seated? - I have you seated here with Herbert Jr.
and Gabrielle in this row right in front of Herbert and myself.
This far back? Yes God.
[GASPS.]
Miranda brought wine.
She had a rough first day of school.
My hero.
May I have some? Here, give that to Black Charlotte.
- You sure you good? - I got this.
All right, you got this.
[APPLAUSE.]
[BENCH SCRAPING.]
[SCRAPING CONTINUES.]
All right, uh, he don't got this.
[SOFTLY.]
: No.
[PLAYING "MINUET IN G MAJOR" BY BACH.]
[PLAYS WRONG NOTES.]
[PLAYS WRONG NOTES.]
[WINE POURING.]
I think my soul just left my body.
- Pass.
- Don't you want to know what it is? Is it alcoholic in nature? Then pass.
Thank you.
[PLAYING WRONG NOTES.]
Welcome to Peloton.
I'm Allegra Planche, and thank you for joining me for this 45-minute power ride.
- Let's go! - Yes! [PLAYING SKILLFULLY.]
- Tell your son to stop.
- What? They're making out.
It's your turn.
I can't always be the bad guy.
Mom, we will not be sex-shamed.
Tell Luisa I got the message.
[APPLAUSE.]
[PLAYING "PIANO SONATA NO.
14 IN C SHARP MINOR" BY BEETHOVEN.]
In three, two, one, pick it up! [PIANO CONTINUES.]
Ah, sÃ, señor! [ALLEGRA SPEAKING SPANISH.]
ALLEGRA: Now, we sprint.
Three, two, one, go! Whew! Celebrate yourself! [PIANO CONTINUES.]
We have a three-minute climb.
Three, two, one, arriba! Now we sprint! Three, two, one, go! [PANTING.]
Shit! [PIANO CONTINUES.]
["SONATA" ENDS.]
[CHEERS.]
Yeah, Lily! Woo! Woo! Thanks, thanks.
I need to stay at your old apartment again tonight.
I'm not going home to that selfish, self-involved, sourdough Mussolini.
I can't get a drink.
Big and I are gonna drive out to the beach tonight.
Oh, fuck me.
I'm sorry.
Here.
Here's the key.
Oh, go.
I had one made after our last fight.
- Nighty-night.
- Good night.
Good night.
- [HORN BEEPS.]
- Oh, oh.
Hmm.
- [WATER RUNNING.]
- I'm here.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
John? [SCREAMS.]
John! Oh, God! Oh God, John! Oh! John! Honey! John! Honey? Oh! Honey! [MUTTERING.]
John! John.
John.
[SOFTLY.]
: John.
John.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, God! [CRIES.]
John.
John.
John.
John.
John.
And just like that Big died.