Angel From Hell (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Hey! Magician lady! Did you disappear my fruit again? (kids gasp) Oh! Wow! Huh? Uh, no, Steve, it's probably up your ass, next to that giant stick, huh? Man: I can't believe this woman.
Hey, never said my show was rated G, people.
Never said it.
Does this belong to you? How'd you do that? It's magic, dude.
Now, if you'll look in the pocket of your hoodie, I think you got something for me.
(soft gasp) Ta-da! My booze! (chuckles) That's so cool! Why don't you get a five-spot from your dad - and put it in the hat, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
One of these.
Are these enough radishes for a party? I don't know, how many rabbits did you invite? Ha! It's for the crudités.
- Come on, let's just cater it.
- Oh, lazy much? It is our first party since we moved in together We can make the appetizers.
Fine.
Ooh! Oh, I love this.
Is this Latin American cotton? I went to El Salvador last year on this ridiculous surf trip.
- Cool.
- Man: So good.
Another scarf? I didn't agree to move in with Steven Tyler's mic stand.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Guys, I think I'm gonna hit up an earlier yoga class.
- Oh, at that place? MRSA alert.
- I know, but I've got a commercial audition later, and I need to clear my head I'm nervous.
All right, text me later, let me know how it goes.
Yes, Mom.
(both chuckle) Okay, let's go.
All right.
(groans) Oh! (laughing): I'm so sorry! Look what the clumsy magician lady did.
Oh, no worries.
Accidents happen.
Well, that's a very sweet thing to say.
I'll bet you're a very sweet person, Dr.
Allison.
How did you know my name? And that I'm a doctor.
- Have we met? - It feels like it, doesn't it? It's like we've known each other all our lives.
Like we have a psychic, spiritual connection.
What is happening here? Ha-ha! I'm just messing with you.
Look.
I palmed your charm bracelet.
There's an Allison charm, a doctor charm (chuckles) I thought you had ESP.
I was gonna make you guess what my job was.
- You're unemployed.
- Well, actually I'm developing an app.
- You get paid for that? - Well, I'm talking to some investors.
Yeah, you're unemployed.
Dr.
Allison, it has been a pleasure.
(chuckles) Take it sleazy, Zuckerberg.
(chuckles) Beard is ridiculous.
(chuckles) Why? What the? Uh that woman just hit me.
Ooh.
Is Jill coming to your party? Well, she's my best friend, so yeah.
- Cool.
I won't bring a date.
- 'Cause you think - you're going home with her? - Totally possible.
I'm making headway We're doing a cleanse together.
Oh.
Are you applying for the job of her gay best friend? No.
I'm applying for the job of her lover, thank you very much, and my résumé's tight.
Résumé? Hmm.
"ÂÂAllison's brother: "ÂÂhobbies include obsessive crushes and pooping my pants on the way to Mammoth.
" Ooh.
There was something wrong with those date shakes.
Look, Jill would be lucky to go out with you, - I know.
- but I don't think she sees you that way, and I think you should probably move on.
- Never.
- I just worry about you, being newly divorced and all.
And that's very sweet of you and I appreciate that, - but I'm fine.
- Shut the front door! Dr.
Allison! It's me, Amy, from the farmers' market.
How random is this, running into you? It's really random.
- Who's this Bit-O-Honey? - Hi.
What's up? - I'm Brad.
I'm the brother.
- Mmm! - Brad: Yeah.
- Hey, I want to show you something.
I got this thing on my shoulder, might be a mole.
Could be a wax burn from some degrading role play.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Yeah, I do.
Amy: So anyway, you give it an eyeball, maybe ballpark diagnosis? Why don't you just come into my office? - Just make an appointment.
- Oh.
Okay.
That's cool.
Um, I am currently in between insurance carriers, so what's your barter policy? (Amy laughs) (laughing): Just messing with you! I'll pay cash.
It'll probably be all ones.
And no, I'm not a stripper, Brad.
Damn it.
So, Dr.
Allison, I guess I'll be seeing you soon, huh? Amy: And, you I'm not done with you yet.
Good.
If you need me, I live above my sister's garage.
- Ooh, you're a project, aren't you? - Get your tool set ready.
(chuckles) Why was I flirting with that woman? I have no idea.
She's some kook from the farmers' market.
It's like she drew me in it got very sexual, very quickly.
- Yeah, I know.
It was weird.
- All right.
Ta-da! - I told you I'd see you soon.
- Okay, uh, you keep showing up everywhere, - and it's freaking me out.
- Absolutely.
It is weird.
Creme de menthe? I'm actually on my way back to the office.
'Cause it's 2:00 p.
m.
, on a Tuesday.
Wow, it's Tuesday already? Man, space and time! - Listen, can I ask you something personal? - I don't really know you.
Do you believe there's a force in this world that wants nothing more - than for you to be happy? - But go ahead and ask anyway.
And if there was such a force, do you think it could be manifested in a person? A person whose mission is to safeguard your journey through this world? You know, like, uh, intervene before you get hit by a bus or something like that.
It sounds like you're describing a guardian angel.
That's exactly what I'm describing.
(big sigh) What exactly do you want? (sighs) Dr.
Allison, we have not been formally introduced.
I'm Amy, and, honey I'm your guardian angel.
Uh look - I am a skin doctor.
- I know.
I think what you need is a psychiatrist.
- Oh.
- Or maybe a sober living arrangement.
Your mother died 412 days ago.
And though you won't admit it, she was your best friend.
And since then you've buried yourself in work, buried yourself in a relationship with a guy who's a bit of a tool.
- Hey - It's an observation, honey, it's not a judgment.
Got your first period at Red Lobster, which is super ironic.
(quietly): Stop! (women laughing) Remember your first orgasm, when you farted just a little bit? Oh, my God! (laughing) Oh, man, so embarrassing! How do you know all that stuff? I've been watching you.
It's what we do.
We watch over souls.
And yours is amazing.
You could've easily found that stuff online.
My friends over-share on Facebook.
That's true, and I am a whiz at the computer Especially Photoshop.
Check this out my head on Gisele Bundchen's body.
- What do you think? - Ew.
Christmas card material? No? So you've been cyber-stalking me? - I suppose you know my password? - Maybe.
Or I may be an angel whose mission it is to safeguard your journey through this world.
It all depends on what you believe, Allison.
Okay.
See you later, angel lady.
Yeah.
Okay.
Look out! Bus! Oh, my God! (gasps) No, no, no bus.
I'm so sorry.
I'm seeing things.
My fault.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
No touching, either.
(laughing): I'm buzzed.
I thought I saw a bus.
I'm loaded.
It's the creme de menthe, honey.
It sneaks up on ya.
S01E01 Pilot - Morning, Felicia.
- Holy sunburn, Dad! How many days were you lost in the desert? - I played a quick nine this morning.
- Aw, Dad, come on, we're dermatologists, not cautionary tales.
Hey, you know, I still haven't received your RSVP to the housewarming party.
I think your house is plenty warm.
Is it really necessary to add an unemployed boyfriend, honey? Evan and I are moving in together, it is happening, and I want you there.
Of course I'm coming.
Great.
Are you bringing anyone? No, no.
Flying solo like a golden eagle.
You know who you could bring? Uh, Dana from the club.
Yeah, she seems cool.
- She's too short.
- Have you seen yourself lately? Exactly.
If we had kids, they'd be jockeys.
Oh, what about that cute pediatrician from the conference? Oh, I'll date a doctor if you do.
Dad, come on, it's been over a year since Mom died.
I'm not trying to pressure you.
But it might be time to get out there.
Are you nervous? 'Cause you're a Beverly Hills skin doctor.
There's going to be a stampede.
Well, now you're making me blush.
I wish I could tell.
Stacy from the bank.
And we're done.
If you'll excuse me now, I'm gonna go dunk my head in some aloe.
(car alarm chirps) Sweet Volt.
Evan's idea? You know what they say about a guy with a small carbon footprint small penis.
Okay, we're officially in a stalker situation.
Impromptu plan you, me, Julio's Cantina.
When's the last time you had a weekday margarita? No, thanks.
I've got a 6:00 a.
m.
spin class.
Plus, I'm off sugar.
(groans) I have an antihistamine or EpiPen here somewhere, - 'Cause I'm allergic to fun.
- Because you're allergic to fun.
Listen I know we just met and we're having a great time making jokes, but I have something really intense I need to talk to you about.
I have cancer.
(Latin music playing loudly) Okay, I don't have cancer.
Terrible lie.
- Never should've said it.
- You just faked cancer? Let's leave the past in the past, okay? I didn't know any other way to get you here.
Oh, so you had to lie? Technically, we're never supposed to intervene in a human's life.
Oh, is that some sort of angel rule? As a matter of fact, it is, yes.
We're supposed to help from afar, be subtle about things.
You know, like implant an inspirational thought, or nudge you towards the conditioner that would give your hair that perfect bounce.
- The Pantene? - You're welcome.
(chuckles) But if I see you're about to go down a dangerous path, what am I gonna do, stick my head up my ass? What are you talking about, âÂÂdangerous pathâÂÂ? Follow me.
(giggling) Allison: Oh.
I didn't know they were having dinner tonight.
Evan said he was working.
He's working on boning your best friend.
They've hooked up once before.
Some light petting I won't go into details.
- Second base.
- What?! Boobs, dude.
(belches) And some dry humping, but please, I just, I don't want to get into the details.
Allison: I'm sorry, Evan is cheating? With Jill? Kid, I'm so sorry.
Oh, honey.
Would it cheer you up to know that there is a taquito behind your ear? (crunching taquito) These are surprisingly crunchy.
(low, indistinct conversation) Hey, guys.
- Oh.
Hey, babe.
- Hi.
Wha What are you doing here? I thought you were working late.
Allison: Oh, I just you know What are you doing here? Um (chuckles): I guess you caught us.
I can't believe this.
How could you? How could I what? And, Jill, you're hooking up with my boyfriend? Allison, wh-what are you talking about? We didn't hook up.
Oh, then what the hell is this? With the coffee and the cakes? Babe, there's just one cake.
Look I wasn't going to tell you, but I'm-I'm making a video for the party tomorrow night, of all the big moments in your life.
Because moving in together is the biggest moment in my life.
- Yeah? - And Jill was just helping me out.
She just brought over pics that I can scan.
Jill: This is us at prom.
This was when we were in Greece.
Oh, and one of us at Red Lobster.
It's a little weird you have a picture from that day.
It was a big moment.
It's really sweet.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I'm so sorry.
I just totally freaked out.
Can we please just forget I said anything? - Um, yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
Evan: Babe, why would you even think that? - I don't know.
I'm sorry.
- Ah, come here.
He's lying.
I know they were hooking up.
- How? - An angel knows.
- And I hacked into his e-mails.
- What?! - I told you I'm a wiz at the computer.
- Ugh! Oh, please, no, stop.
Please.
Let me explain.
- Are you crying? - No.
There's habanero pepper in this taquito and I'm literally digesting lava.
I want you out of my life.
Seriously.
I will get a restraining order.
My uncle's a lawyer.
Your uncle's a dentist.
Why do you know everything? I am going back inside to have dinner with my non-cheating boyfriend and my best friend.
Crazy ladies not invited.
Well, I'm not following you, but I got to go to the bathroom.
I've got a nuclear situation here and it ain't a drill.
Allison: Hi.
You look gorgeous.
So good to see you.
Hello.
Hey, you.
Hi, Brad.
How's the cleanse going? Oh, I stopped it last week.
Didn't I tell you? You did not.
Spacey actress.
(both laugh) Anyway, how is it going for you? Uh, good for me.
I'm-I'm-I'm loving it.
Yeah.
I've had some vertigo and full body sweats, but other than and I am a little weak, actually, but good.
- Cool.
- So, um Yeah, I'm loving the clean living.
- It's going to be my thing now.
- Do you want to get drunk? - Absolutely.
- Come on.
(pop music playing, muffled) Man, I got to stop intervening.
Are you talking to me? Evan's cheating on Allison, and I just want to go in there and bust him, but I can't.
I'm trying to be more disciplined.
Okay, I don't know any of the people you're talking about.
What? Boo.
Bad neighbor.
- All right.
- Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, don't let him take a whizz on my chariot.
It's my only mode of transport post DWI.
Speaking of which, do you know a good attorney? Like, an affordable guy, someone who's not going to ask a lot of questions? Have a nice night.
You, too, pal.
Hey, and introduce yourself to Allison! She's the best! Welcome, everybody, to our first party.
(cheering) I'll keep it short.
Um I just want to say how truly lucky I feel to have met this man.
- Aw - He makes me feel safe and loved and I'm so happy we're living together.
No, I'm the lucky one to have you.
Hear, hear! (laughter) - I'm pretty great.
- Yes, you are.
- We're out of beer.
- We're out of beer.
Get some more beer.
Love is in the air, huh? Oh, sorry, yeah.
I need two cases of Anchor Steam delivered to Weird.
Uh, no, not you.
No.
Two cases of Anchor Steam delivered to My clover charm? Weird.
(laughing) Hey.
Hi.
Hey, are you missing your clover charm? The one we got in Ireland? Yeah.
How'd you know? Because it was in Evan's office.
On his couch.
Evan and I hooked up.
(partygoers gasp, music stops) God, I'm so sorry.
- What? - What?! It happened when we were making the video.
Things got out of hand.
I promise it'll never happen again.
- Seriously? - Seriously?! Not your moment, Brad.
- Are you kidding me? - Are you kidding me? No-no-no.
I-I - We did not hook up.
- Oh? Okay, I did, but just give me one minute to explain.
Which part? The cheating or the-the making me feel horrible for accusing you of cheating while you were cheating? All right, this move-in has brought up a lot of issues for me.
- What issues? - Okay, uh, well, uh, first of all, uh, we're very different people.
- Oh, okay.
- 'Cause I'm super chill - Mm.
- but you, you're so intense.
Plus you're always on the phone or you're at the office.
You have literally worked about every weekend since we have been together.
Well, somebody's got to work around here.
(partygoers gasp) Oh.
So there it is.
You don't believe in my business plan.
An app where you can choose different skin colors for your photos? Uh, it's like Benetton.
Okay, it promotes tolerance.
It promotes blackface.
No, it-it doesn't.
It Okay, we're just gonna need to cool things off here before someone says something they're going to regret.
Oh, okay, well, how about this? How about leave and never come back? I'm serious.
Go.
I'm going to go.
- That's what I said.
- Yeah.
And then I said it.
(door shuts) Oh, my God.
Uh, yeah, hi.
Uh, everybody, the, um, party celebrating my relationship ended when my relationship ended.
You heard her, folks! Move it or lose it! Wow.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
Oh, kiddo.
I heard he was cheating and I didn't want to believe it.
You deserve so much better than him.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Love you, kiddo.
(knocking on door) Amy: Ta-da! (chuckles) So creepy.
I was just going to leave the plate, but I thought, "Who eats unattended camp food, huh ?" FYI, best s'more ever.
Well, here it is on a Sunday morning and the doctor is in.
My diagnosis: nerdialence.
Look, I don't know how you knew but you knew.
Evan and Jill were hooking up.
You were right, go ahead, throw it in my face.
Aw, sorry, kid.
That must feel terrible.
It does.
Here, take a bite.
(sighs) Nobody's made me s'mores - since I was a kid - Since you were a little girl.
- Your mom used to make them for you.
- Yeah, my mom used to - She used to make them for me whenever I - She used to make them for you Okay, can I please finish a nostalgic thought.
Sure.
She used to make them for me just because.
Mm.
She called it my reward for being me.
She'd surprise me with a plate every few months.
That's why I made the s'more.
I wanted to remind you of a time when you felt really loved.
Well that is not how I feel now.
Pity party, your table's ready.
What? I barely got choked up.
Do you know what your problem is? You take care of everybody but yourself, and that attracts people who take advantage.
I mean, you basically supported your boyfriend, your let your brother sleep in your garage.
What is your point? Living for others never end well.
It drains you, honey.
Now, take a bite.
Hmm? Wow.
(laughing) That's amazing.
Look at that smile, huh? That's the smile of a happy kid, huh? Living in the moment, free from everybody's expectations.
Settle down.
(laughing) Personal space.
Oh, Allison, I could help you.
You just need somebody to nudge you, to say, get off the phone, have a weekday margarita, have some fun, let some random guy take you to O-town.
Oh, I was with you right up until the end.
Ah, you don't just deserve to be happy and to be loved.
It's your birthright.
And I want nothing less for you.
You might even say it's my mission in life.
(clicks tongue) But (snaps fingers) if all this angel stuff is too bizarre for you, I understand, I get it and I'll leave you alone.
Walk very slowly just in case she wants to change her mind.
It's not that I believe you're an angel.
- But? - But you know, I could use a weird friend.
Look at me.
Yeah, I know.
Do they come any weirder? (laughing) You got coffee in there? I do.
Crème de menthe.
Mm, shocker.
Let's get our Sunday on, huh? (dog barking in distance) ("The Funeral" by Band of Horses plays) (music stops) (phone buzzing) What?
Hey, never said my show was rated G, people.
Never said it.
Does this belong to you? How'd you do that? It's magic, dude.
Now, if you'll look in the pocket of your hoodie, I think you got something for me.
(soft gasp) Ta-da! My booze! (chuckles) That's so cool! Why don't you get a five-spot from your dad - and put it in the hat, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
One of these.
Are these enough radishes for a party? I don't know, how many rabbits did you invite? Ha! It's for the crudités.
- Come on, let's just cater it.
- Oh, lazy much? It is our first party since we moved in together We can make the appetizers.
Fine.
Ooh! Oh, I love this.
Is this Latin American cotton? I went to El Salvador last year on this ridiculous surf trip.
- Cool.
- Man: So good.
Another scarf? I didn't agree to move in with Steven Tyler's mic stand.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Guys, I think I'm gonna hit up an earlier yoga class.
- Oh, at that place? MRSA alert.
- I know, but I've got a commercial audition later, and I need to clear my head I'm nervous.
All right, text me later, let me know how it goes.
Yes, Mom.
(both chuckle) Okay, let's go.
All right.
(groans) Oh! (laughing): I'm so sorry! Look what the clumsy magician lady did.
Oh, no worries.
Accidents happen.
Well, that's a very sweet thing to say.
I'll bet you're a very sweet person, Dr.
Allison.
How did you know my name? And that I'm a doctor.
- Have we met? - It feels like it, doesn't it? It's like we've known each other all our lives.
Like we have a psychic, spiritual connection.
What is happening here? Ha-ha! I'm just messing with you.
Look.
I palmed your charm bracelet.
There's an Allison charm, a doctor charm (chuckles) I thought you had ESP.
I was gonna make you guess what my job was.
- You're unemployed.
- Well, actually I'm developing an app.
- You get paid for that? - Well, I'm talking to some investors.
Yeah, you're unemployed.
Dr.
Allison, it has been a pleasure.
(chuckles) Take it sleazy, Zuckerberg.
(chuckles) Beard is ridiculous.
(chuckles) Why? What the? Uh that woman just hit me.
Ooh.
Is Jill coming to your party? Well, she's my best friend, so yeah.
- Cool.
I won't bring a date.
- 'Cause you think - you're going home with her? - Totally possible.
I'm making headway We're doing a cleanse together.
Oh.
Are you applying for the job of her gay best friend? No.
I'm applying for the job of her lover, thank you very much, and my résumé's tight.
Résumé? Hmm.
"ÂÂAllison's brother: "ÂÂhobbies include obsessive crushes and pooping my pants on the way to Mammoth.
" Ooh.
There was something wrong with those date shakes.
Look, Jill would be lucky to go out with you, - I know.
- but I don't think she sees you that way, and I think you should probably move on.
- Never.
- I just worry about you, being newly divorced and all.
And that's very sweet of you and I appreciate that, - but I'm fine.
- Shut the front door! Dr.
Allison! It's me, Amy, from the farmers' market.
How random is this, running into you? It's really random.
- Who's this Bit-O-Honey? - Hi.
What's up? - I'm Brad.
I'm the brother.
- Mmm! - Brad: Yeah.
- Hey, I want to show you something.
I got this thing on my shoulder, might be a mole.
Could be a wax burn from some degrading role play.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Yeah, I do.
Amy: So anyway, you give it an eyeball, maybe ballpark diagnosis? Why don't you just come into my office? - Just make an appointment.
- Oh.
Okay.
That's cool.
Um, I am currently in between insurance carriers, so what's your barter policy? (Amy laughs) (laughing): Just messing with you! I'll pay cash.
It'll probably be all ones.
And no, I'm not a stripper, Brad.
Damn it.
So, Dr.
Allison, I guess I'll be seeing you soon, huh? Amy: And, you I'm not done with you yet.
Good.
If you need me, I live above my sister's garage.
- Ooh, you're a project, aren't you? - Get your tool set ready.
(chuckles) Why was I flirting with that woman? I have no idea.
She's some kook from the farmers' market.
It's like she drew me in it got very sexual, very quickly.
- Yeah, I know.
It was weird.
- All right.
Ta-da! - I told you I'd see you soon.
- Okay, uh, you keep showing up everywhere, - and it's freaking me out.
- Absolutely.
It is weird.
Creme de menthe? I'm actually on my way back to the office.
'Cause it's 2:00 p.
m.
, on a Tuesday.
Wow, it's Tuesday already? Man, space and time! - Listen, can I ask you something personal? - I don't really know you.
Do you believe there's a force in this world that wants nothing more - than for you to be happy? - But go ahead and ask anyway.
And if there was such a force, do you think it could be manifested in a person? A person whose mission is to safeguard your journey through this world? You know, like, uh, intervene before you get hit by a bus or something like that.
It sounds like you're describing a guardian angel.
That's exactly what I'm describing.
(big sigh) What exactly do you want? (sighs) Dr.
Allison, we have not been formally introduced.
I'm Amy, and, honey I'm your guardian angel.
Uh look - I am a skin doctor.
- I know.
I think what you need is a psychiatrist.
- Oh.
- Or maybe a sober living arrangement.
Your mother died 412 days ago.
And though you won't admit it, she was your best friend.
And since then you've buried yourself in work, buried yourself in a relationship with a guy who's a bit of a tool.
- Hey - It's an observation, honey, it's not a judgment.
Got your first period at Red Lobster, which is super ironic.
(quietly): Stop! (women laughing) Remember your first orgasm, when you farted just a little bit? Oh, my God! (laughing) Oh, man, so embarrassing! How do you know all that stuff? I've been watching you.
It's what we do.
We watch over souls.
And yours is amazing.
You could've easily found that stuff online.
My friends over-share on Facebook.
That's true, and I am a whiz at the computer Especially Photoshop.
Check this out my head on Gisele Bundchen's body.
- What do you think? - Ew.
Christmas card material? No? So you've been cyber-stalking me? - I suppose you know my password? - Maybe.
Or I may be an angel whose mission it is to safeguard your journey through this world.
It all depends on what you believe, Allison.
Okay.
See you later, angel lady.
Yeah.
Okay.
Look out! Bus! Oh, my God! (gasps) No, no, no bus.
I'm so sorry.
I'm seeing things.
My fault.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
No touching, either.
(laughing): I'm buzzed.
I thought I saw a bus.
I'm loaded.
It's the creme de menthe, honey.
It sneaks up on ya.
S01E01 Pilot - Morning, Felicia.
- Holy sunburn, Dad! How many days were you lost in the desert? - I played a quick nine this morning.
- Aw, Dad, come on, we're dermatologists, not cautionary tales.
Hey, you know, I still haven't received your RSVP to the housewarming party.
I think your house is plenty warm.
Is it really necessary to add an unemployed boyfriend, honey? Evan and I are moving in together, it is happening, and I want you there.
Of course I'm coming.
Great.
Are you bringing anyone? No, no.
Flying solo like a golden eagle.
You know who you could bring? Uh, Dana from the club.
Yeah, she seems cool.
- She's too short.
- Have you seen yourself lately? Exactly.
If we had kids, they'd be jockeys.
Oh, what about that cute pediatrician from the conference? Oh, I'll date a doctor if you do.
Dad, come on, it's been over a year since Mom died.
I'm not trying to pressure you.
But it might be time to get out there.
Are you nervous? 'Cause you're a Beverly Hills skin doctor.
There's going to be a stampede.
Well, now you're making me blush.
I wish I could tell.
Stacy from the bank.
And we're done.
If you'll excuse me now, I'm gonna go dunk my head in some aloe.
(car alarm chirps) Sweet Volt.
Evan's idea? You know what they say about a guy with a small carbon footprint small penis.
Okay, we're officially in a stalker situation.
Impromptu plan you, me, Julio's Cantina.
When's the last time you had a weekday margarita? No, thanks.
I've got a 6:00 a.
m.
spin class.
Plus, I'm off sugar.
(groans) I have an antihistamine or EpiPen here somewhere, - 'Cause I'm allergic to fun.
- Because you're allergic to fun.
Listen I know we just met and we're having a great time making jokes, but I have something really intense I need to talk to you about.
I have cancer.
(Latin music playing loudly) Okay, I don't have cancer.
Terrible lie.
- Never should've said it.
- You just faked cancer? Let's leave the past in the past, okay? I didn't know any other way to get you here.
Oh, so you had to lie? Technically, we're never supposed to intervene in a human's life.
Oh, is that some sort of angel rule? As a matter of fact, it is, yes.
We're supposed to help from afar, be subtle about things.
You know, like implant an inspirational thought, or nudge you towards the conditioner that would give your hair that perfect bounce.
- The Pantene? - You're welcome.
(chuckles) But if I see you're about to go down a dangerous path, what am I gonna do, stick my head up my ass? What are you talking about, âÂÂdangerous pathâÂÂ? Follow me.
(giggling) Allison: Oh.
I didn't know they were having dinner tonight.
Evan said he was working.
He's working on boning your best friend.
They've hooked up once before.
Some light petting I won't go into details.
- Second base.
- What?! Boobs, dude.
(belches) And some dry humping, but please, I just, I don't want to get into the details.
Allison: I'm sorry, Evan is cheating? With Jill? Kid, I'm so sorry.
Oh, honey.
Would it cheer you up to know that there is a taquito behind your ear? (crunching taquito) These are surprisingly crunchy.
(low, indistinct conversation) Hey, guys.
- Oh.
Hey, babe.
- Hi.
Wha What are you doing here? I thought you were working late.
Allison: Oh, I just you know What are you doing here? Um (chuckles): I guess you caught us.
I can't believe this.
How could you? How could I what? And, Jill, you're hooking up with my boyfriend? Allison, wh-what are you talking about? We didn't hook up.
Oh, then what the hell is this? With the coffee and the cakes? Babe, there's just one cake.
Look I wasn't going to tell you, but I'm-I'm making a video for the party tomorrow night, of all the big moments in your life.
Because moving in together is the biggest moment in my life.
- Yeah? - And Jill was just helping me out.
She just brought over pics that I can scan.
Jill: This is us at prom.
This was when we were in Greece.
Oh, and one of us at Red Lobster.
It's a little weird you have a picture from that day.
It was a big moment.
It's really sweet.
Oh, my God, you guys.
I'm so sorry.
I just totally freaked out.
Can we please just forget I said anything? - Um, yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
Evan: Babe, why would you even think that? - I don't know.
I'm sorry.
- Ah, come here.
He's lying.
I know they were hooking up.
- How? - An angel knows.
- And I hacked into his e-mails.
- What?! - I told you I'm a wiz at the computer.
- Ugh! Oh, please, no, stop.
Please.
Let me explain.
- Are you crying? - No.
There's habanero pepper in this taquito and I'm literally digesting lava.
I want you out of my life.
Seriously.
I will get a restraining order.
My uncle's a lawyer.
Your uncle's a dentist.
Why do you know everything? I am going back inside to have dinner with my non-cheating boyfriend and my best friend.
Crazy ladies not invited.
Well, I'm not following you, but I got to go to the bathroom.
I've got a nuclear situation here and it ain't a drill.
Allison: Hi.
You look gorgeous.
So good to see you.
Hello.
Hey, you.
Hi, Brad.
How's the cleanse going? Oh, I stopped it last week.
Didn't I tell you? You did not.
Spacey actress.
(both laugh) Anyway, how is it going for you? Uh, good for me.
I'm-I'm-I'm loving it.
Yeah.
I've had some vertigo and full body sweats, but other than and I am a little weak, actually, but good.
- Cool.
- So, um Yeah, I'm loving the clean living.
- It's going to be my thing now.
- Do you want to get drunk? - Absolutely.
- Come on.
(pop music playing, muffled) Man, I got to stop intervening.
Are you talking to me? Evan's cheating on Allison, and I just want to go in there and bust him, but I can't.
I'm trying to be more disciplined.
Okay, I don't know any of the people you're talking about.
What? Boo.
Bad neighbor.
- All right.
- Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, don't let him take a whizz on my chariot.
It's my only mode of transport post DWI.
Speaking of which, do you know a good attorney? Like, an affordable guy, someone who's not going to ask a lot of questions? Have a nice night.
You, too, pal.
Hey, and introduce yourself to Allison! She's the best! Welcome, everybody, to our first party.
(cheering) I'll keep it short.
Um I just want to say how truly lucky I feel to have met this man.
- Aw - He makes me feel safe and loved and I'm so happy we're living together.
No, I'm the lucky one to have you.
Hear, hear! (laughter) - I'm pretty great.
- Yes, you are.
- We're out of beer.
- We're out of beer.
Get some more beer.
Love is in the air, huh? Oh, sorry, yeah.
I need two cases of Anchor Steam delivered to Weird.
Uh, no, not you.
No.
Two cases of Anchor Steam delivered to My clover charm? Weird.
(laughing) Hey.
Hi.
Hey, are you missing your clover charm? The one we got in Ireland? Yeah.
How'd you know? Because it was in Evan's office.
On his couch.
Evan and I hooked up.
(partygoers gasp, music stops) God, I'm so sorry.
- What? - What?! It happened when we were making the video.
Things got out of hand.
I promise it'll never happen again.
- Seriously? - Seriously?! Not your moment, Brad.
- Are you kidding me? - Are you kidding me? No-no-no.
I-I - We did not hook up.
- Oh? Okay, I did, but just give me one minute to explain.
Which part? The cheating or the-the making me feel horrible for accusing you of cheating while you were cheating? All right, this move-in has brought up a lot of issues for me.
- What issues? - Okay, uh, well, uh, first of all, uh, we're very different people.
- Oh, okay.
- 'Cause I'm super chill - Mm.
- but you, you're so intense.
Plus you're always on the phone or you're at the office.
You have literally worked about every weekend since we have been together.
Well, somebody's got to work around here.
(partygoers gasp) Oh.
So there it is.
You don't believe in my business plan.
An app where you can choose different skin colors for your photos? Uh, it's like Benetton.
Okay, it promotes tolerance.
It promotes blackface.
No, it-it doesn't.
It Okay, we're just gonna need to cool things off here before someone says something they're going to regret.
Oh, okay, well, how about this? How about leave and never come back? I'm serious.
Go.
I'm going to go.
- That's what I said.
- Yeah.
And then I said it.
(door shuts) Oh, my God.
Uh, yeah, hi.
Uh, everybody, the, um, party celebrating my relationship ended when my relationship ended.
You heard her, folks! Move it or lose it! Wow.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
Oh, kiddo.
I heard he was cheating and I didn't want to believe it.
You deserve so much better than him.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Love you, kiddo.
(knocking on door) Amy: Ta-da! (chuckles) So creepy.
I was just going to leave the plate, but I thought, "Who eats unattended camp food, huh ?" FYI, best s'more ever.
Well, here it is on a Sunday morning and the doctor is in.
My diagnosis: nerdialence.
Look, I don't know how you knew but you knew.
Evan and Jill were hooking up.
You were right, go ahead, throw it in my face.
Aw, sorry, kid.
That must feel terrible.
It does.
Here, take a bite.
(sighs) Nobody's made me s'mores - since I was a kid - Since you were a little girl.
- Your mom used to make them for you.
- Yeah, my mom used to - She used to make them for me whenever I - She used to make them for you Okay, can I please finish a nostalgic thought.
Sure.
She used to make them for me just because.
Mm.
She called it my reward for being me.
She'd surprise me with a plate every few months.
That's why I made the s'more.
I wanted to remind you of a time when you felt really loved.
Well that is not how I feel now.
Pity party, your table's ready.
What? I barely got choked up.
Do you know what your problem is? You take care of everybody but yourself, and that attracts people who take advantage.
I mean, you basically supported your boyfriend, your let your brother sleep in your garage.
What is your point? Living for others never end well.
It drains you, honey.
Now, take a bite.
Hmm? Wow.
(laughing) That's amazing.
Look at that smile, huh? That's the smile of a happy kid, huh? Living in the moment, free from everybody's expectations.
Settle down.
(laughing) Personal space.
Oh, Allison, I could help you.
You just need somebody to nudge you, to say, get off the phone, have a weekday margarita, have some fun, let some random guy take you to O-town.
Oh, I was with you right up until the end.
Ah, you don't just deserve to be happy and to be loved.
It's your birthright.
And I want nothing less for you.
You might even say it's my mission in life.
(clicks tongue) But (snaps fingers) if all this angel stuff is too bizarre for you, I understand, I get it and I'll leave you alone.
Walk very slowly just in case she wants to change her mind.
It's not that I believe you're an angel.
- But? - But you know, I could use a weird friend.
Look at me.
Yeah, I know.
Do they come any weirder? (laughing) You got coffee in there? I do.
Crème de menthe.
Mm, shocker.
Let's get our Sunday on, huh? (dog barking in distance) ("The Funeral" by Band of Horses plays) (music stops) (phone buzzing) What?