Anger Management s01e01 Episode Script

You can't fire me, l quit.
Think you can replace me with some other guy? Go ahead, it won't be the same.
You may think l'm losing, but l'm not.
l'm Anyway, you get the idea.
And those are just some generic examples of frustrations you can take out on Bobo, our new bopping bag, to express your anger in a healthy way.
Okay, our new member should be showing up any minute, so while we're waiting, let's see how we all did with our assignment over the weekend.
You were supposed to admit to a loved one that you're in anger therapy.
-Patrick, how'd it go? -Not well.
l told my dad that l was coming here to change my passive-aggressive behavior, and he said, "While you're there, can you work on not being gay?" Okay.
Did you handle that in a healthy way or with a passive-aggressive act? l sent everyone in my family a Fourth of July card with a picture of me dressed as the Statue of Liberty with a sparkler sticking out of my ass.
Patrick, that's not a passive-aggressive act, it's the whole play.
l can print it out and bring it in if you like.
Please do.
While l was in Nam, dodging enemy fire and watching my best friends die, l kept telling myself, "Hang in there, Ed, because one of these days "this queer is gonna shove a sparkler up his ass and it'll all be worth it.
" Okay, Ed, another dollar in the queerjar.
Who did you tell about your anger therapy? Well, l was gonna tell one of my best friends, but he died so this queer Ed! You're gonna give the Gay Men's Choir a hell of a holiday party, Ed.
How about you, Nolan? Okay, well, l told this girl l went out with that my problem is l'm attracted to angry people.
She thought l was talking about her, so she screamed at me for like an hour.
Very belittling things.
Very belittling.
Who's the stupid therapist here? l guess that would be me.
Your idiot neighbor is yelling at me for no reason.
l've got a can of Mace in my purse and l am not afraid to bash his skull in with it.
Hey, everybody, our new member is here.
Excuse me, miss, you just drove over my lawn.
l'm gonna have to reseed the whole thing.
Might want to throw some seeds up on that bald head of yours.
He's tried everything.
Mike, let's step outside.
This is a choice.
What's going on over here, Charlie? l'm sorry, Mike.
l'm doing sessions at the house now.
l'll cover you for the lawn.
Get me her phone number, and we'll call it even? Forget it.
She's here by court order.
l like a fixer-upper.
This is the house from Poltergeist.
l'll see you later.
So what's the deal? l asked for a female therapist.
Really? Criminal court system is usually so accommodating.
Next time, go through their concierge.
Everybody, this is Lacey.
Lacey, this is Ed, Patrick, Nolan, and Bobo.
Now, Bobo is here in case you feel the need to physicalize your anger, you can punch him in the face.
All right, l'll give it a shot.
No, no, no, no! No.
No.
That's not Bobo.
That's Ed.
Look, l don't even belong here.
The court just wants you to sign this piece of paper that says l showed up.
You sign it now, l can bounce and you can check out my ass when l leave.
l've already checked out your ass.
lt's one of the best ones in the group.
lt'll look even better if you put it in that chair so we can start.
l would like to talk about something.
l said it was one of the best.
Okay, thank you.
So, Lacey, why don't you tell us a little bit about why you're here? l have no idea.
l'm not angry.
My boyfriend cheated on me, so l shot him in the balls.
Bet he's angry.
Before l went back to school and became a therapist, l was an angry, out-of-control ballplayer.
You need to watch this.
That's me behind the plate.
After nine years in the minors, l finally got called up to the show.
Simple pop-up.
What can go wrong? Look how mad he is.
You look like a bull getting a prostate exam.
Wait, wait, here it comes.
Here it comes.
He broke his own knee and ruined his career.
That's still funny as hell.
You know, Ed, you make jokes like that because you're insecure, so you denigrate others to feel better about yourself.
l know.
The point is anger took away something that l really loved.
And l'm here to try to keep that from happening to you.
Hey, can l watch that again? l want to see if l still don't care.
Oh, sorry, Dad.
Forgot it was Thursday.
No, Sam, it's okay.
Come on in.
Everybody, my daughter, Sam.
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
l'll just be a second and l'll be out of your way.
Tough day? No, everything's fine.
l know l'm new, but this is weird, right? She's got OCD.
And you smell good.
Okay, you're in my bubble, assclown.
Cool.
We're doing nicknames.
lt's all good.
Bye.
Hey, let's take a short break.
She only does that when she's stressed.
Nolan, stay away from Lacey.
Lacey, stay away from everybody.
Patrick, stay away from Ed.
Ed, well, you all know the drill.
Come in.
Hey, Sam.
Something bothering you? No.
Are you sure? l feel like there's an elephant in the room.
l mean, it could be under all those clothes.
Why am l doing all this stupid homework if l'm not even sure l'm going to college? What? Of course you're going to college.
Someday l hope you and the pile will both go.
And why are you worried about this now? Well, because college is no guarantee of a job.
lt's a useless waste of time.
-Where'd you hear that? -Mom's new boyfriend, Sean.
He makes a lot of money as a club promoter and he didn't go to college.
And he drives a much nicer car than you.
Any idiot can buy a car and make payments, but college gave me a career that fulfills me.
-lt's a Ferrari.
-Sure, a Ferrari.
A Ferrari? Look, l've got to get back to my group.
But just keep in mind that, sure, Sean's club may be hot now, but in a couple of months, that club will be gone and so will the Ferrari.
But those people downstairs, they will still be crazy.
l can't do that again.
-You want to do it again? -Yeah.
Can't.
We ran out.
Oh, damn.
You got any Saran Wrap? l got a Milky Way wrapper.
Still a little caramel in it, though.
You know, there's other stuff we can do.
What do you got in the fridge? You're awesome.
You're the best kind of friend there is.
No attachments whatsoever.
l promise l will never love you.
Keep talking.
l will never love you forever.
Crap.
l got to go pick up Sam.
How long was l wearing that blindfold? Come on, can't you be 1 5 minutes late? Nah, l got to go talk to Jen first.
Her latest genius boyfriend is putting stupid ideas in Sam's head.
What did he say? He told her that college is a waste of time.
Well, half of what we just did l learned in college.
l'd like to think l taught you the other half.
Coming, Charlie.
Hi.
How do you always know it's me? You're the only guy who doesn't have a key.
lt's ironic because l'm the guy who paid for this place.
Listen, before Sam comes down, can we talk about Sean for a second? What's there to talk about? Dude's smart, funny, classy, and l like him a lot.
Charlie, this is Sean.
Sean, this is Sam's dad, Charlie.
Awkward moment.
Let's do it.
-Good meeting you.
-You, too.
Sorry, l didn't see you sitting there.
lt's all right.
Listen, l was just gonna ask Jen to tell you that Sam is a really impressionable kid, so if you could be a little bit careful about what you say around her, that would be great.
She seems pretty sharp to me.
What shouldn't l say to her? l'm sure it was out of context, but she told me you said college was a waste of time.
Did you say that? couldn't find work, Well, you know what? 1 00% of Sam's mom doesn't want to have this conversation right now.
All l'm saying is unemployment, it's not just for psych majors anymore.
l was a psych major, but you'd know that most therapists are had you gone to college.
l'm learning now.
Didn't cost me a dime.
Okay, well, l didn't go to college, but l did go to a lot of frat parties.
And what l learned is when the guys start fighting, it's time to pick up your clothes and go.
Sam! lt's really simple, Sean.
We want Sam to go to college.
lt would have been a really good choice in 1 962.
Look, it's tough for everybody right now, but it's gonna turn around.
Why am l going into this with you? Bottom line, don't say crap like that around my kid.
Okay? Discussion over.
Good to meet you.
You know why it's good to meet me? Because l'm smart and l'm right.
Okay? My dad steered me away from college and made me get realistic about life.
You're a club promoter, dude.
You're realistic about glow-sticks and E.
-Charlie.
-Jennifer, l've got this.
Sam! Not your kid, not your call.
She's definitely your kid.
-What the hell's that supposed to mean? -All the emotional problems are there.
-Are you kidding me? -Ready to go, Dad.
l'll have this rewired and get it right back to you.
Let's go, Sam.
-Here you go, Charlie.
-Thanks.
You go to college, Brett? Yeah, l did.
l was working my way through as a stripper.
And then l started to make so much money l dropped out of school.
Do you know what? l should have gotten my degree.
l was not planning on my 40s.
Yeah.
Here comes your ex, and she doesn't look happy.
-Hey, Jen.
-Hey.
You look great.
l'm gonna just hit the bathroom.
No way.
l know where the exits are.
What the hell was that today? What? l was just defending my kid like any dad would.
But you're not any dad.
You've got anger problems.
And l had to defend you like when you played ball.
"Charlie's under a lot of stress.
Charlie had a bad day.
Charlie's on steroids.
" l never took steroids.
l know.
lf you had, l'd be living in a bigger house.
You're screwing up my relationship and l want you to go talk to him.
Not gonna happen.
And relationship? You've only dated the guy for a couple of months.
Yes, but he told me 85% of all relationships that last past two months go on to marriage and 54% last an entire lifetime.
Those are the same percentages as the college thing.
This guy's only got two numbers.
Why would you date a guy like that? l like him.
You know, he's good with Sam, he's got a great sense of humor, and he's got two Ferraris.
Yeah, l know.
Two Ferraris? One for here, one for the beach house.
Oh, yeah? Well, l'd have all that if l'd wanted, but l chose to spend my money on college.
And l can go to the beach if l want to.
l just can't stay there overnight.
Look, l do this for free because l'm trying to help you.
But l can't help you if you won't admit that you have issues with your anger.
l'm sorry.
l don't consider what l did anger.
Okay, then what should we call it when you slit that guy's throat while he was sleeping? l call it frustration.
l was very frustrated that he was alive.
No, no, Ernesto.
Frustration is when you accidentally cut your finger on a soup can lid.
When you use a soup can lid to cut off your cellmate's head, that's anger.
Fine, l was angry that he took my soup.
Look, we all feel frustration.
l'm gonna be honest with you about something that happened to me.
l almost lost it yesterday.
Oh, honey, l remember when l lost it.
lt was a world of pain.
Okay, l'm pretty sure we're talking about two different things.
What l mean is, l almost gave into a black rage.
No, we're talking about the same thing.
Give in, baby.
Give in.
No, no, what happened was for the first time in years, my frustration with someone turned to anger and l almost lost control.
What did the guy do? He was talking about my kid.
He crossed the line and l almost hit him in the head with a lamp.
You were gonna bash in some guy's head with a lamp just because he said something? You're crazy, Charlie.
l no longer respect you.
l'm screwing with you, ese.
l respect you more.
Yeah, that guy had it coming, man.
You'd have been totally justified beating his face into plowshares.
l think that's in the Bible.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
No, no, no, no.
Anyone who would do that has got a real problem.
There's no justification for hurting someone just because they disagree with you.
Anyone who would do that has impulse control issues and needs to get into therapy immediately.
l won't be here tomorrow.
And, Wayne, l'm gonna bring you a real Bible, one that you didn't write yourself.
l don't understand why l can't sleep with one of your patients.
lt's one thing if you met her in a bar.
lt's another thing if you stalk her in my house.
l'll wait till she walks to her car.
Stop.
l got enough problems of my own.
l got to go back into therapy.
lf l don't, l'm gonna lose it.
Why do you need a therapist? You are a therapist.
You ever see a tow truck hauling a tow truck? So, go.
But there's only one tow truck l trust.
And, unfortunately, l'm having sex with it.
Well, then, ask Kate.
She's a therapist.
l'm sure she probably knows somebody.
Oh, my God.
You're sleeping with Kate! Yeah.
And she's the best therapist l know.
Problem is she's also my best friend.
And the sex is, l don't know -The best? -Yes.
Why can't you have it all? l wish.
lt's unethical for a therapist to have sex with a patient.
They teach you that on day one.
lt weeds out half the class.
Look, Charlie, to me there's only one answer.
You have got to go to her for therapy.
Your mental health is way more important than the sex.
Of course, without the sex, she'll probably be lonely.
Please get out of my house.
l don't know what you're here for, but if it's what l think it is, we only have 1 5 minutes.
Before we start, l have to tell you about this study l read.
Oh, that sounds so boring.
No, no, no.
No, this is good.
This is really good.
You know how having sex with a patient is the biggest breach of trust any therapist could commit? Yeah.
There is a new study that says under the right conditions that a therapist and a patient can have both a therapeutic relationship and a sexual relationship and keep both completely separate.
Sounds like it was written by a therapist who was trying to get in somebody's pants.
You're probably right.
You are so hot.
l know.
You know what makes you so hot? Your skin, your eyes, your hair, your intuitive grasp of anger management psychology.
That was kind of weird.
l know.
l like it weird.
You want to hear something else weird? l almost hit a guy with a lamp the other day.
You want to hear more about that, huh? Does that turn you on? Does it, little girl? Where are we going with this? l'll tell you where we're going.
We're going to this couch.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, better.
You sit in the chair.
Here, maybe take some notes.
Lots of notes.
Are you having a stroke? What the hell is going on? Come on, just go with it.
You can be the therapist and l'm gonna tell you stuff.
And if you want, you can play with yourself while l'm doing it.
Okay, let's stop.
What is going on here? l have to get back into therapy.
My anger issues have come up again and l need your help.
Nope.
Go see somebody else.
But you're the only therapist l trust.
But things are going so well between us right now.
l mean, we feel nothing for each other and it's working.
lf you come to see me, sex is out of the question.
But you haven't even read that study l made up.
Okay, look, if you say you need me, l could never say no to you.
But l am just talking about therapy, okay? lf we go this way, then we are friends with no benefits.
Can't we hang on to some of the benefits? A COBRA plan, if you will.
Sorry, Charlie, you'll have to put your cobra back in your pants.
Can l get one last extension? No, l'm afraid not.
Actually, l have some paperwork for you to fill out.
All right, but you'd better be worth it, 'cause this thing has already turned into a bureaucratic nightmare.
Coming.
Hi.
Hey, Jen.
l just need a minute with Sean.
l got back into therapy and l want to straighten some things out.
Whoa, Sean.
Got like a camouflage thing going on.
Listen, l shouldn't have lost my temper like l did.
Anger is an ugly mistress.
Maybe you should stop banging her.
That's good.
That's good.
l'm gonna use that in my group.
Oh, good.
Anyway, l am really sorry.
lf you knew the shame and humiliation this has caused me.
And Sam is smart enough to make her own decisions.
And l wish you and Jen the very best.
And l hope that maybe even someday you and l can be friends.
What do you say? That's okay.
He's still mad, but he'll come around.
l hope not.
l just broke up with him.
What? Why'd you let me go through all that? Because it was painful for you, which made it fun for me.
Sean's just too opinionated.
Plus he manscapes really weird.
l won't tell you what he does, but he calls it the Abe Lincoln.
l think you felt like you were losing control of Sam because you're only with her half the time.
Of course.
The guy was a complete jerk, but my anger was based in guilt over my divorce.
Exactly.
Sorry, Charlie.
l have to kick you out.
But we'll pick this up next week.
Would it be inappropriate if l gave you a big hug right now? Yes.
lt would be completely inappropriate.
Oh, come on, Kate.
Not the kind of hug you're thinking of.
lt's the kind of hug you'd give your best friend when she's really helped you out.
Okay.
A quick therapeutic one.
Charlie, we can't do this.
l think we can.
Don't you want to? Of course l want to, but it's different now.
l'm inside your head.
l'd feel like l was taking advantage of a patient.
l'm not a patient.
l'm also a therapist.
But you're not my therapist.
lt's not equal.
lnteresting.
How does that make you feel? Conflicted.
You mean the way you felt about your alternately warm and loving, yet cold and hypercritical father? Are you trying to analyze me? You know you could use it as much as me.
And the code was only created to protect the patient from a potentially manipulative therapist.
lt doesn't say one thing about hot therapist-on-therapist action.
You know what, Doctor? l think l just had a breakthrough.
Let's do this.
l wasn't expecting this.
But l got these just in case.