Animal Control (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
If you're gonna make me
pick you up, I expect coffee.
There'll be one waiting
for you tomorrow.
Any other requests?
Yeah. Get your car fixed.
I'm gonna win you over, bro.
It's gonna happen.
Calling me "bro" shows the depth
of your miscalculation.
Truck 12.
Report of a small animal in
the attic at 187 South Kenzie.
Truck 12 responding.
Four play dates, a Spiderman
birthday party,
two trips to urgent care
and my parents are in town.
Let's just go ahead and say
that they have opinions.
How was your weekend?
- Yeah, pretty good.
- Mmhmm.
I went to a club.
There were definitely drugs.
I woke up naked on some boat
near Whitby Island.
What about the other people on the boat?
Also naked, yeah.
Right.
Look, it's not personal.
I'm just a lone wolf type of guy.
All last year I had no partner
and it was heaven.
And this is so much worse.
So, I guess it is personal.
- Hey.
- Mmhmm.
I'm thinking of getting a puppy.
Look at her, Little Mabel.
Why would you do that?
You have all the freedom in the world.
Yeah, but I envy you sometimes.
I live alone.
It might be nice to have a dog around.
Well, I have two.
You could just have one.
One of them's incontinent for that extra
feeling of agonizing responsibility.
If that's what you're looking for.
Maybe I'll just get a bird.
Get a bird. Get a bird.
Alright. You wait here.
There's a good coffee place
up the block.
Rookie always pays.
Oh. Yeah. Hazing recognized
and accepted.
So I'll take a cara
What's up?
Are you coming in?
Oh yeah, for sure. It's just
just gonna be one minute.
I think my partner will be right back.
I don't have a minute.
It's my 10th anniversary and
I surprised my wife with brunch
and whatever's up there
is killing the mood.
Whew!
Listen, man. It's my first week.
I should really wait for backup.
You know what I mean?
Come on. My wife's libido
is very delicate.
Help a guy out.
Yeah, so my name's Fred
but everyone calls me Shred
'cause I used to be a
professional snowboarder,
mostly half-pipe,
a couple silvers at Nationals.
And then I tore my ACL.
How long is this gonna take?
Not long at all.
If I had to guess
it's probably just a sweet
little guy who
My eye! Your walkie went into my eye!
I'm sorry, it's just
The teeth, it's like a tiny
furry vampire.
I underestimated
Under under the ottoman.
Okay. Everyone stay calm.
I got this.
It's okay weasel or whatever you are.
We're gonna take you to
the coolest park in the city
and these people are gonna celebrate.
Dude! Dude!
Bad choice.
What do we do?
Oh, little buddy.
I got this.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh, come on!
Go, go! Right here!
We're not catching a break here.
Ohhhh! It's under the stuffed couch!
You gotta be kidding me.
Okay. Don't worry. I got this. I got it.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how would you rate our service today?
I made muffins.
Uh-oh. You want something.
What? No. Do you guys think I do that?
Like I only bake when I want something?
Aw, these muffs are
fresh out of the oven.
This is gonna be horrible.
No!
Yeah, I feel bad but I need volunteers
to clean the kennels this weekend.
There are nine dogs at Giardia.
Whoever does it's gonna need
one of those counselors
they send to mass shooting scenes.
I nominate Frank
given the weasel debacle.
He's the senior officer.
Yeah. Frank, I just got an
earful from the superintendent.
I was getting coffee.
I'm guilty of negligence,
not incompetence.
It's a lower crime.
Came to gloat about the weasel barbecue.
You're here to enjoy my misfortune,
which is a taunt, not a gloat.
Always an education
when you talk to Frank.
You're a rube. Do you know what that is?
Rumor is, couple filed a complaint
that'll require damage control.
I'm offering my services, Emily,
'cause I know you get
a little nervous and sweaty
in high-stress situations.
Uh, no, no. I have everything
under control, Templeton.
Well, when you don't,
I'll come back to gloat.
Did I get that right, Frank?
No, that was a threat.
Ah whatever. Word nerd.
Okay. I'm gonna go change into a shirt
that's dark enough to hide
my nervous pit stains.
And right away I'm gonna
go ahead and apologize
for sharing that information.
Muffins are over here.
Why's that guy so mean to Emily?
He works at a rival precinct,
and he's gunning for her job.
Yeah, she's not really suited
to a leadership position,
but we have to make sure
she doesn't get fired
'cause she's really nice.
And she's easy to manipulate
which is why we're
the only precinct with a
top-of-the-line Panini Press.
Mmm. Spectacular.
We got written up in Bon Appetit.
Okay, here's a novel idea.
Try standing closer to the
toilet and actually aiming
so the pee goes in the bowl
and not on the floor.
That's a terrible idea for a novel.
I will be instituting a key system.
So if you have to pee, you come see Dee,
there'll be a sign-in sheet on my desk.
Not gonna do that.
Frank! Frank!
Frank!
Listen, I'll talk to Emily
and take the heat
for the weasel thing.
Okay? I'll clean the kennels,
it's only right.
That would be stupid of you.
It's what partners do, right?
Look, I'm gonna be up front.
My plan is to get rid of you.
And with the way bureaucracy works,
it'll take about six months
to fill your seat.
So that's gonna be all lone wolfy time.
Hey, we talked about the howling!
Sorry Emily. How's that
espresso machine coming?
Oh, yeah. I ordered it.
Oh, you are the best!
It's coming from Milan.
You don't fool me, Frank.
Underneath that crusty exterior
is a soft, chewy center.
Mmm no.
Yeah. He's not that kinda cookie, kid.
What do you mean?
Look, and you didn't hear this from us,
Frank used to be a cop but then
he uncovered some corruption,
and instead of cleaning it up,
they fired him.
Whoa. That's heavy.
Greenview Meadow Preschool.
Oh, God in heaven, no.
There's no way this isn't
something awful.
Hello? Yeah.
Danny won't poop in school again.
He's like me, he gets nervous
at away games.
Aww, poor sausage.
Yeah, go ahead and put him on.
Hey buddy, it's okay, listen.
Just like we do at home, okay?
I know what to do ♪
when I'm about to poo ♪
I go to the potty, ♪
pull my underwear down ♪
And I sit and wait ♪
I sit and wait ♪
I sit and wait until
the poop falls down ♪
Then I wipe and wipe,
'till brown leaves town, ♪
I put it in the potty
and I flush it down ♪
Whooo! Banger!
Wow, sounds like you had quite a bit.
I'm proud of you, my little soldier.
Way to go, Danny!
Okay. Alright. Bye.
Hi.
I could use some help getting
a mastiff on the table.
- No problem.
- Yes! I'll I'll help.
Absolutely.
Hey you're Shred, right?
Hey. Oh yeah, hi. Nice to meet you.
Are you the, um hot vet?
- No, we say that behind her back.
- Yeah.
Oh God, I'm so sorry if
that came off disrespectful.
I'll retract it and say
you're in no way hot.
Doctor Summers.
I don't wanna embarrass you
but I'm a huge winter sports fan
and I saw you at the X Games
in Whistler.
- 2019.
- Yeah.
Against The Goose.
- Oh, so good!
- She's a fan.
You did that backside
right in front of me.
She's a fan.
They've been replaying it
on ESPN Classics.
Every time I watch it, I think
I'm not gonna stick the landing
and then I do
and it kinda blows my mind
all over again.
So good.
Anyway, sorry.
You needed help with something?
Uh, yeah that'd be great. Come on.
Yeah. Sure. Yeah.
No. No. He does not get
to just sashay in here
and have sex with someone
we've all been trying to nail for years.
Yeah, he has to get in line
and wait like everybody else.
Low rent Shawn White.
Yo. Delores
I need the key.
Name and time.
Connie Lingus?
Real mature!
You know what Mark Twain said?
I'm not 100 percent
on who Mark Twain is.
That's a whole other conversation now.
He said if you pick up a starving dog
and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.
Is this about the hot vet?
Yeah, of course it's about the hot vet.
I've been laying the groundwork
for years.
Do you know how many vaccination
clinics I've volunteered for?
A lot of vaccination clinics.
I've eradicated entire diseases
in pursuit of that woman.
But dude, I'm not, like, a threat.
I have a girlfriend.
She's a snowboarder, she's from Spain
and if you'd asked me even
one question you'd know that.
I'm not gonna lie,
that's a bit of a relief.
Yeah, and if I was gonna dip
my toe into the work pool,
it wouldn't be the hot vet.
Well, not Victoria.
I got dibs there too.
No. Emily. The boss lady.
She's just so clumsy and
uncomfortable in her own body.
I guess I just dig an awkward chick.
This is a texture I didn't know you had.
You see, this partnership
it's blossoming.
Oh, and I Googled wolves.
They run in packs.
Well, except the lone ones.
Otherwise they would just be wolves.
And you had to Google that?
There's no shame in admitting
gaps in knowledge.
Unrelated but also interesting
did you know snails can have sex
with themselves?
Truck 12, neighbor complaint.
Unlicensed ostrich farm.
360 North Harding.
Truck 12 responding.
Ostriches. I love this job.
Hi, I'm Emily Price from animal con
Wow, that is worse than I thought.
I brought muffins.
Hey. Officers on the scene
with loaded snausages.
Never gets old, Tom.
What have we got here?
Waiting for the coroner.
The guy's been dead three days
and no one knew it.
His dog never left his side.
We'll find him a good home.
Three days. Can you imagine?
Three days without anybody
knowing where I was.
I'd kill for that.
Hey. Hey, it's gonna be okay.
Charlie. He's so cute!
Whoa. Those are some tall birds.
Yeah, and their eyes are bigger
than their brains,
so you should feel right at home.
Your ribbing feels affectionate.
And I know you're going
for more emotional distance.
Hey, your shirt's sticking out.
Let me fix it.
There you go, now you look respectable.
Look at you taking care of your partner.
Bonding alert. Calling all units.
Alright, calm down.
Ma'am, hi. City of Seattle
Animal Control.
Is it alright if we enter?
Make sure to close the gate.
Did my stupid neighbor call you?
What's going on here?
You making belts or selling their meat?
I sell the eggs at the Farmer's Market.
Well, you're gonna need a license
from the Zoning Commission.
Uh these guys like me.
Everyone likes you, Shred.
Should I be concerned?
Well, that's really up to you.
They are violent and strong and
have famously bad temperaments.
Oh, and as you can see
they're really fast.
So I would kick it up a gear
if I were you.
In the meantime, I'll just be
writing this citation.
It's bad, Frank! They won't stop.
It's starting to feel
extremely targeted!
Yeah. Well, they either see you
as a food source or a potential mate.
Either way, I would just
let nature take its course.
They're relentless!
But don't worry, I'm getting all of it.
Look at 'em move.
These muffins are delicious.
You have to give me the recipe.
Oh, I will.
And you know what? They're healthy too.
Everyone in my office
has some kind of allergy
so I can never bake anything fun.
Look, we agree. We don't wanna
turn this into a big legal thing.
Great. Great.
And and you have my word,
the City will pay for everything.
Okay.
If you'll just excuse me, I'm
just gonna let somebody know.
Emily said they're not going to sue
and sent a pile of poop emoji
and a middle finger emoji.
Whatever.
Alright I won't take up
anymore of your time.
Thank you both.
You didn't use sesame oil
in these, did you?
You know what, I did.
I find it just gives it, like,
a little tang.
Oh God.
- I'll get the EpiPen.
- Thank you.
Wait, wait what's happening?
Call 911.
Right now?
No! Oh, no!
Knock it off.
This is not fun for me. This is not fun.
I've never seen them like this.
Little help here, Frank.
Man, they must, uh smell
something on your clothes.
What kinda detergent do you use?
Tide liquid pods. They get out anything.
Maybe lose the shirt?
Oh, oh yeah.
That is pretty
disrespectful to the uniform.
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Hmm. It's gotta be the pants.
- The pants.
- Yeah.
This is the weirdest strip show
I've ever seen.
And I've seen a number of them.
Is that your beef stick?
In my defense, uh, I didn't
think it would work that well.
Uncool, bro. Really Uncool!
And I'm sorry to raise my voice
right now
but I'm pretty high up in this tree
and you crossed a line, brother!
They could've taken my penis, Frank!
Yeah, but they didn't and that's
what makes it funny.
Dude, I know that the police
department screwed you over
and people let you down
but to learn nothing from that
except to be a jerk, that just
makes you a douche, dude.
You're missing all the nuance.
I'm a douche for a lot
of complicated reasons.
Dude, I blew out my knee three
months before the Olympics.
But I didn't let it make me
hate the world.
We all have a choice in life
and I chose to stay positive.
Well, that just makes me
question your judgment.
Well you'll be proud to know
I'm feeling pretty negative
right now, Frank!
You have a ticket for 600 bucks,
by the way.
- Can I pay you in eggs?
- No.
Yeah, come in.
I'd like to request a transfer.
My senior officer, by word and action,
has made it clear that
he doesn't want me around.
Despite the rumors,
I'm not a people person.
Really? Are you sure?
I'd have to move you to central
and Templeton has the only free truck.
Yes.
You heard the man.
Templeton.
You'd really do that to Shred?
He'll be fine. He'll be happy
in literally any situation.
Which is the very trait that
makes him challenging for me.
Well, what if you viewed it
as a growth opportunity?
I'm not looking for growth.
If growth wants me bad enough,
it knows where to find me.
Yeah. Alone in your apartment.
Where I am so content.
Now can I interest you
in a chicken pesto panini?
I wanna say no, but yeah.
Your heart is black
but you know how to make
a really good sandwich.
You guys making sandwiches?
Oh!
Hello? Who's there?
It's Shred. I forgot my coat, so
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry how everything worked out.
I love Frank but sometimes he
can just be too much like Frank.
Yeah. I really thought I was gonna
be able to crack him, you know?
What are you still doing here?
Oh, we have a pet adoption coming up
so I was just gonna get
these flyers out.
Cool.
You know, the thing about
snowboarding is
it's a solo sport.
Mmhmm.
Like, when you're on the mountain
it's just you all alone.
When I got injured nobody
found me for two hours.
What, so the Saint Bernard thing
is a myth?
I'm the wrong guy to ask.
I still sorta believe in Santa Claus.
What?
Oh.
Do you need a hand?
Um yeah.
Sorry. Thanks.
I can just be a little clumsy.
I know.
You know, honestly I don't
know that I'm cut out for this job.
I mean, I sent that poor guy
to the hospital today.
Yeah, but I almost burned down his house
and sent him to the hospital, so
That's true.
Oh, I'm gonna miss seeing you
around the precinct everyday.
Yeah, me too.
Um but you know now that,
I mean, I'm not gonna be your boss
Like, we wouldn't
Sorry. Sorry. It's my girlfriend.
Oh, my God. Ah
- I should get this.
- Yeah, yes.
Hey babe. I heard you got powder.
What do you think, Charlie?
You like your new home?
Yeah?
Hang on.
And I wipe and I wipe
'till the brown leaves town ♪
Put it in the potty
and flush it down ♪
Bye bye poo ♪
Bye bye poo ♪
Shred Taylor
needs an 88 to get to on the podium.
No way.
Here is another
look at his backside rodeo 540.
Will it be enough to medal?
And here comes the score
Oh! 87.3. Ugh, man, that is
heartbreaking.
Shred Taylor finishes fourth.
Look at this kid.
You'd never know he lost.
Gotta love him.
I'm not ready for a dog.
I need you to take Charlie.
No, no. I have my own two dogs.
I'm fine.
Oh my God, he's so cute!
Oh, do you want him? You guys love him.
You can have him.
No, we're not taking the dog.
We don't need the dog.
Also I can't take care of this.
I don't need this.
I already have lots of plants.
I don't need more plants.
No, don't go. No, stop that dance.
Come back.
You're so cute.
Some dopey looking guy call for an Uber?
I knew you'd show up partner.
No, you didn't.
And I'm getting rid of you as
soon as a decent rig opens up.
I hope you know that.
If I didn't know you were coming,
how come I got us coffee?
'Cause you were gonna
brownnose Templeton.
Whatever you need
to tell yourself, Frank.
But I always knew you were
a pack animal.
Yesterday you didn't even know
what a pack animal was.
Oh! I also didn't know
that a newborn kangaroo
- is the size of a lima bean.
- Okay.
Templeton.
You didn't tell him
you were picking me up?
Nah. It was a game-time decision.
How would you feel about mooning him?
Very good.
But this will be two days in a row
you've negotiated my pants off.
Hmm.
So you really filmed
the whole Templeton thing?
Yes, I did.
- To hell with Templeton!
- Nice touch.
Good to have you back.
Good to be back, boss.
Holden Weiner?
Holden Weiner? Really guys?
It's actually Wy-ner.
I get that all the time.
I'm gonna need a signature
for the package.
I think it's an espresso machine.
Ooh! I'll take care of that.
Thank you Mister Weiner.
Thank you so much.
Wyner.
I think she sprung for the milk foamer.
Emily, you are the best!
I'm getting a wine fridge next.