Animaniacs (2020) s01e01 Episode Script


[♪♪♪]
[BRAKES SQUEAK]
[SHUTS OFF ENGINE]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[WHOOSH]
[BLINK BLINK]
Alan, this species of cartoon
has been extinct since 1998.
I mean, these haven't been seen on TV
since the golden era
of animation, and-- and--
[CREAK]
What?
[CONK]
[SOFT BELLOW]
ALL: La!
It's it's the Warner Brothers.
And the Warner Sister!
[CHUCKLING] That's-- Yeah.
Tha-- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
He-- He did it.
Th-th-th-th-th-that crazy
son of a gun actually did it.
Clean vectored outlines,
[WOLF WHISTLE]
widescreen format
[XYLOPHONE SOUND]
These don't look like reruns!
[HONK]
SPIELBERG: Uh, well, uh, they're not.
[CHUCKLE]
I reanimated them.
We are gonna make
a fortune with this show.
[WHIP, ALARM BELLS]
- How zany are they?
Oh, uh, to the max.
[SPLAT]
O-of course.
And then there's, uh, Pinky and the Brain.
P-- Pinky and the Brain?
You said you're bringing
back Pinky and the Brain?
SPIELBERG: Mm-hmm.
- Say it again.
We're bringing back Pinky and the Brain.
[GASP]
Put your head between your knees.
ALL: Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!
- Where are they going?
- Home.
Welcome to Animaniacs.
Wake up!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ! ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain who
want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested
well in focus group research ♪
Gender balance, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
Have no shame-y ♪
ALL: Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[WHOOSH]
Alright, guys. There's a lot
of pressure on our first lines.
They gotta funny, they gotta
be irreverent, and most of all,
they gotta be carefully crafted.
But you just wasted yours on
[IMITATING] "Alright, guys.
There's a lot of pressure on our first lines."
And you just wasted yours on
[IMITATING]
"But you just wasted yours on,
'Alright, guys. There's a lot of
pressure on our first lines.'"
To be--
YAKKO: Wait, don't!
Make sure it's good first.
- Yeah. It's all on you, Dot.
[INHALE]
[SQUEAK]
Maybe something reminiscent
of the first season?
But modern to show that
we're not your dad's Animaniacs.
But, not so modern that
you'll alienate the dads
because they're a key
part of our demographic.
[INHALE]
Don't overthink it.
[GROWL, YELL]
22 years later,
and I'm still a knockout.
[HEAVENLY MUSIC]
[GASP]
[WIND BLOWING]
[SQUEAKING, POPPING]
ALL: Whoa!
I can't believe it's been 22 years!
[♪♪♪]
[BIRDS SQUAWKING]
[GLISTENING SOUND]
[LAUGHING]
[SHUTTER SNAP]
[GASP]
[SMACK]
[WILHELM SCREAM]
[HITTING]
[YELLING]
[BANG]
[SCREAM]
[LAUGHING]
[$6 MILLION MAN SOUND EFFECT]
Our home sweet home!
[THUNK]
[GRUNT]
[BANGING]
[STRAINING]
[♪♪♪]
[CLANGING]
[WOOZY SOUND]
- Oh, right!
It's a pull, not a push.
[FAINT]
[CREAK]
It's just how I remember!
Well almost.
[♪♪♪]
[LASERS HUMMING]
My sandwich!
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
[FLY BUZZING]
Just where I left it.
[♪♪♪]
[TIPTOEING]
BOTH: Ooh!
[JET SOUND]
[FLAMES CRACKLING]
Ah!
[CRUNCH, SQUISH]
[BOTH GASP]
[SPLAT]
[BOTH SIGH]
22 years and five second rule!
[CHOMP]
[CHOPPING LASERS]
[ALARM BLARING]
Why did you trip the alarm after
that elaborate laser dance?
What lasers?
That was my sandwich dance.
[GULP]
ALARM: Initiating Warners capture sequence.
- We're caught!
- We're doomed!
This is the shortest-lived reboot ever!
[SCREAMING]
What dummy thought that would work?
[♪♪♪]
ALL: Helllloooo Ralph!
[SPLAT, PLATE SHATTERING]
Aww.
I've missed those beautiful yellow eyes.
- G--
- Uhb-bup-bup!
We're doing this thing where
we don't waste our first lines.
Make sure it's funny!
And something that really captures
the intricacies of your character,
for old and new fans alike.
Duh
ALL: Perfect!
[RALPH GRUMBLING, GROWLING]
[♪♪♪]
Gotcha!
[WHIRRING]
What is that thing?
Why, it's a uh
um, clone!
No, uh, uh, phone.
Uh, no, a drone!
That's it. It's a drone.
Hey!
[STRAINING]
That's it! You're taking
me to the boss' office!
Katie!
Is today a micro-dose day?
Ah, macro-dose. Right.
[♪♪♪]
[SMASH]
[LAUGH]
I got 'em, I got 'em!
A female CEO?
Any interest in mentoring
a young, future CEO?
No. I'm a firm believer in pulling
up the ladder behind me.
[SMASH]
Ralph, what are these things!?
Yeah, Ralphie. What are we?
Answer the woman!
Duh
These are the Warner brothers.
[DRONE BUZZING]
And the--
CEO: Warner Sister. Yes, I know.
It's all right here.
[BEEP]
What's that?
Oh, that's right.
You're from the '90s.
This is a tablet.
It contains the sum of
all human knowledge.
All human knowledge in
one easy to swallow tablet?
Don't mind if I do.
[SPLASH, SWALLOW]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[BELCH]
Hey! I'm the eating-stuff guy!
[ZAPPING]
[VOCALIZING]
[♪♪♪]
[BEEPING]
[JABBERING]
[DIZZY GROANING]
Quantum mechanics,
quinoa wraps,
Queen Bey!
We've missed so much
But now
I know everything!
triumphant music ♪
[BIRDS COOING]
About the last 22 years.
Tell us! Oh, tell us!
Ugh. Please do this somewhere else.
But then you'll miss the song!
[ZIP]
[SHATTER]
[♪♪♪]
You see
Taxis are Ubers,
the stars are YouTubers ♪
Neil Tyson gave Pluto the axe ♪
Cell phones got smarter,
the oceans got hotter ♪
The global economy collapsed ♪
We get internet deals
on our hyphenate meals ♪
Like cage-free, vegan-paleo sausage ♪
We don't leave our homes
thanks to Amazon drones ♪
They track what we do
through our watches ♪
ALL: What's going on?
Will we be okay? ♪
Has it all gone mad
since we went away? ♪
Oh, update us, please,
and put as at ease ♪
'Cause we've run out of jokes ♪
About the '90s! ♪
[SAX SOLO]
YAKKO: Al Gore lost bad 'cause
of one hanging chad ♪
Dubya hunted for WMDs ♪
Obama brought hope,
so Clinton thought, "Dope! ♪
2016 should be a real breeze" ♪
So, Hillary finally broke
that glass ceiling?
No, but it certainly does feel like it's
raining shards of glass all around us.
The country's cut into two ♪
The red and the blue,
Facebook's a toxic waste dump ♪
The Fox Friends are doting,
the Russians are voting ♪
And now there's a President Trump ♪
At least, we think there's
still a President Trump.
You see, the writers
are writing this in 2018.
How is that possible?
The people rely on Animaniacs
for outrageous and relevant content.
Well, how can we finish catching up
when we don't know what
happened in the last two years?
- I don't know, wild guesses?
- Sounds good to me!
YAKKO: We have chips in our
brains, we no longer feel pain ♪
There are worsening climate disasters ♪
Now we live underground,
and we can't make a sound ♪
Lest we anger our polar bear masters ♪
WAKKO: They've come south for revenge!
DOT: We breed birds without arms
on our factory farms ♪
And we live in aluminum bunkers ♪
We sent humans to Mars,
all the food comes in bars ♪
And the top-rated show
is called Clunkers! ♪
It's about a talking police car!
Who's also a time machine!
Wow! Here comes the star, Clunko!
I travel through time, solving crime!
[TRUCK HORN]
[SMASH]
[LAUGHTER]
ALL: That's what's going on
in the world today ♪
It's as crazy now as when we went away ♪
Our ratings depend on
knowing the trends ♪
We're all caught up ♪
That's how this song ends! ♪
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
Pinky and the Brain
theme song playing ♪
Gee, Brain, what do you
wanna do tonight?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[THUNDER CLAP]
[♪♪♪]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SLAM]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[TYPING]
[TV STATIC]
[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHING]
I'm your host, Fred Bagel,
but my friends call me Freddie,
and my ex-wife doesn't call me at all.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, for the week's best clips.
[BITE, GULP, CRYSTALLIZING]
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
[WHINING, LAUGHTER]
Oh, brother. Hot dog with brain freeze.
[LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
Pinky, I'd be worried this drivel
is turning your mind soft,
but you can't mash what is already mush.
- Narf!
Precisely. Turn that off!
Oh, just one more minute, Brain, please?
America's Stupidest Pets
is my favorite show!
[DOOR BELL]
[WHIP]
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
What is so funny?
[LAUGHING]
These silly animals!
I can't get enough!
[SIGH] I wish I could carry
the television around with me
so I could watch it all the time.
[LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[PINKY LAUGHING]
- That's it!
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Brain,
but if I clone myself,
how will I know which one
to shoot when I turn evil?
No, Pinky.
It's all so clear to me now!
To take over the world,
we must give the people
what they truly want!
Okay, Brain. I'll do it,
but only if it's tasteful
and makes sense for my character.
Silence, Pinky! My work begins!
[♪♪♪]
[AUTOMATED VOICE]
If you'd like to make a call
[PHONE RINGING, DIAL-UP SOUND, BEEP]
At last, Pinky,
my humble invention has
finally come to fruition!
Behold! The age of the internet!
[APPS BEEPING]
PINKY: That's nice, Brain.
I've spent the last 22 years
undergoing rigorous psychotherapy,
and realized that our
codependent relationship
isn't based on a shared
desire to conquer the world,
but rather my enabling of your systematic
emotional and physical abuse.
Quiet, you nincompoop!
Righto! [LAUGH]
I deserve that!
The internet is the most powerful
information sharing tool ever devised!
And do you know what
most humans use it for?
I do, but I don't think I can say it.
Surprisingly no, Pinky.
Watch closely.
[QUACKING] You see, humans are
obsessed with cute, silly animals.
They can't look away.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Once they upload these
adorable videos to the internet
[BEEPING]
people around the world marvel at them.
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUNCHING]
With their undivided attention,
they are the perfect unsuspecting pawns
for my master plan.
I will become the internet's cutest
and silliest animal!
Once I have the gaze of the world
upon my endearing photograph,
I will activate this
polarized subliminal filter,
and everyone will be under my control!
[HYPNOTIC MUSIC]
[ROBOTIC]
I'll do anything you tell me, Brain.
Genius, is it not?
And all by manipulating the alpha
waves of the human brain.
There's a human you!?
[GRUNT, GROAN]
[♪♪♪]
BRAIN: Prepare yourself, Pinky.
Your heart is about to be warmed.
[RATTLING]
Aw, it's baby Brain!
Are you ready?
Ready! And action!
Laugh now, for I am an adult mouse
costumed as a baby.
- And cut!
BRAIN: John-Jacob, Jingleheimer, Schmidt--
Ah. Mind Control.
[SCROLLING, BEEP]
[♪♪♪]
And now, we just sit back and relax
as the adoration pours in.
Can do!
[SMACK]
[♪♪♪]
[WHIRRING]
[POP]
[HAPPY STING]
[DISAPPOINTED STING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
Hey, I'm Seth Meyers,
and the reason this face
is allowed on TV is
no one's watching anyway!
[LAUGHTER]
And speaking of things that
people pretend to watch but don't,
opera.
Please welcome the latest
internet sensation, Opera Cat!
[CHEERING]
[SINGS OPERA]
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGH]
With a blonde wig like that,
you could be President.
[RIMSHOT]
You'll get it. I'll wait.
[SILENCE]
[LAUGHING]
What does this animal have that I don't?
This mind control filter
is never going to work
if nobody sees it!
[GRUNT]
Whoa! Pinky!
Do something!
Andes! Alps! Adirondacks! No!
Not the Himalayas! Ah!
[SMACK]
[SCREAMING]
[POST SOUND]
Another plan foiled.
[SIGH]
Come, Pinky.
We must prepare for tomo--
- No, Brain, look!
Not the Himalayas!
Not the Himalayas!
Pinky! What have you done?
[POPPING]
Brain, I think it's working!
[DING, WHIRRING]
[ROBOTIC]
Can we bring this up?
[SMACKING]
- Not the Himalayas! Not the Himalayas!
I want that mouse on my show,
before one of the Jimmy's gets him.
[SCREECH]
[ROBOTIC]
ALL: L-O-L.
L-O-L.
Must obey. What Brain say.
Must obey
Egad, Brain!
We've done it!
We've really done it!
[♪♪♪]
Still to come,
celebrity trainers share their secrets
on getting back to your
birth weight for summer.
But first, the Brain!
The internet sensation has
conquered our hearts,
and, seemingly, the world!
FEMALE CO-HOST: This comes
just days after the US government
agreed to add his lovable
face to Mount Rushmore.
[CROWD CHEERING]
All hail the Brain!
Yes! Praise him.
BRAIN: Incredible, Pinky.
After 20 years of careful planning,
I've finally taken over the world!
Now, behold.
The coup de grace of my coup d'etat.
Crab paté on your crudité?
[LAUGH]
No, Pinky.
The act that will forever cement my status
as popular internet meme slash dictator
for life! I am going to--
Uh, hi, excuse me.
You're Himalayas Mouse, right?
Of course. It is I, the Brain.
Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah,
I remember that meme. Classic.
Listen, Mr. Meyers
appreciates you coming by,
but unfortunately, we've had to bump you.
Bump me? For who?
Oh, okay, so his name is
Business Pig. You know,
the pig who made the New York Swines'
Top Boars Under Four.
I'm sorry. Do you even read
the New York Swines?
[CLICK]
[SQUEALING]
[BUZZER]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hey, I know that pig!
I just shared a video of him this morning!
Pinky, you puerile pustule,
you used my mind control filter!
[WHIRRING]
- I like the swirls.
I think it's fun!
[ROBOTIC]
Business Pig. Business Pig.
Business Pig.
PINKY: Whoa!
Brain?
[BRAIN YELLING]
[SMACK]
[NOTIFICATION SOUND]
Oh! That's a great photo!
So lifelike!
Ring ring.
[CLICK]
Hello, Brain's phone.
May I speak with the imbecile
who ruined my plan?
That's me!
[PINKY GRUNTS]
Come, Pinky!
Let us prepare for tomorrow night.
What are we going to do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[WHIRRING]
[COOLER BUBBLING]
[WHIRRING]
Whoa! Star Trek is back?
Uh, yeah!
It's one of them reboots.
It's a cost-effective
way to reintroduce IP
to a whole new generation.
Or the "next generation,"
if I "make it so."
[LAUGH]
Set phasers to killing it!
Looks like they're
rebooting lots of shows.
[GASP]
Charmed came back!
WAKKO: And the X-Files!
YAKKO: Hey! Even Full House!
They just bring back old shows now?
I bet I could sing a bitingly
satirical song about it.
Didn't we just do that right
before Pinky and the Brain?
Uh uh uh!
We're also part of
the age of reboots, sis.
We gotta do it again.
[SQUEAKING]
[SCREAM]
[WIND BLOWING]
They ran out of ideas ♪
For fresh new shows ♪
So Hollywood did ♪
The only thing it knows ♪
Murphy Brown, Melrose Place ♪
Gilmore Girls, Lost In Space ♪
That's So Raven's what they're cravin' ♪
I know that's a show worth savin'! ♪
I vote X-Files for a comeback ♪
Duchovny's still a real snack ♪
Would the Golden Girls be darker ♪
ALL: If we resurrect Bea Arthur? ♪
[♪♪♪]
Reboot it, renew it ♪
Reshoot it, redo it, and reuse it ♪
Retool it, abuse it, just do it ♪
If you wanna make some easy cash ♪
Just recycle and rehash ♪
Repeat it, reinstate it ♪
Reheat it, recreate it,
There's no need to feel frustrated ♪
Simply just regurgitate it ♪
ALL: For a guaranteed ratings smash ♪
Dig it up out of the trash ♪
Come on, just reboot it! ♪
[♪♪♪]
Will and Grace and Dynasty ♪
Sweet 16 on MTV ♪
Blue's Clues, Twin Peaks , and Fargo ♪
Go Catch Carmen San Di-ago ♪
Just relax and take the flak ♪
If people want it, bring it back! ♪
Looney Tunes, Queer Eye,
and DuckTales ♪
Just reboot it 'cause it sells! ♪
Take something foreign,
then translate it ♪
Shamelessly appropriate it ♪
Even if the old fans hate it ♪
ALL: Get the script rights cleared! ♪
You've done sequels,
try for prequels ♪
Think of all the streams that equals
utilizing these techniques will ♪
BOTH: Make your shows revered ♪
Shows revered! ♪
ALL: Reboot it, renew it ♪
Reshoot it, redo it, and reuse it ♪
Retool it, abuse it, just do it! ♪
If you wanna make some easy cash,
just recycle and rehash ♪
Repeat it, reinstate it ♪
Reheat it, recreate it! ♪
There's no need to feel frustrated,
simply just regurgitate it ♪
For a guaranteed ratings smash ♪
Dig it up out of the trash ♪
Come on, just reboot it! ♪
[♪♪♪]
Hello. I'm Yakko Warner,
and all joking aside,
reboots are symptomatic
of a fundamental lack
of originality in Hollywood.
A creativity crisis fueled by
terrified executives
clinging to the past like
rats to the debris of a sinking ship.
Yeah. Have you no shame?
HULU EXECUTIVE: Here's your check for
the Animaniacs reboot, you sellouts!
[SMASH]
Yeah, but when we sellout,
we know we're selling out, so it's cool.
[♪♪♪]