Apple Tree Yard (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Before I met you, I was a civilised woman.
Civilised.
Now, I don't even know what that means.
Food, shelter, sex, once those needs are covered, we can pretend we're in control.
That the lives we build keep us human.
But, really, we're all just animals.
You know how I know that? Fear.
[SCREECHING, SHE GASPS.]
Fear for your life.
Once you've felt that, everything else, all this so-called civilisation it's a dream.
You've taught me that, my love.
Would the defendant please stand? 'Fear makes animals of us all.
' [BELL CHIMES.]
In terms of our research, we're pushing at frontiers and there are bound to be anxieties around that.
I do understand.
But, to be frank, most of those anxieties are completely unfounded.
MAN: So everything we're hearing about Frankenfoods? They're still foods and how they're processed and regulated, that's crucial, obviously.
But that's a question for Government or business, not science.
Listen, the more we learn about DNA, the more avenues there are for gene therapy, which could lead to the eradication of genetically-based illness and that has to be a tremendous positive.
But you can reassure us, professor, no ten-foot mice on the cards, or triangular cows? The work we're doing is never going to result in corn with udders.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hi, it's me.
Just to say they're done with me, so you don't need to be home in time for the Tesco delivery Um, that's it.
Oh, and I'll cook, by the way.
See ya.
We won't be seeing you this afternoon, then, Professor Carmichael? No.
David moved up the technology questions - so that I'd be finished by lunchtime.
- Oh.
Efficiency in the civil service, there's a novelty.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
- Hi.
- Anything else? Uh, no, that's it, thank you.
You were very articulate in there, professor.
Thanks.
The first time I've ever understood what a genome is.
Oh, good! Um, well, I do I do a lot of lecturing, but it's not professor, actually.
Ah.
- That's more American, is it? - Exactly, yes.
I get that because of the mad scientist thing.
You know, Nutty Professor.
Right, well, I can see, obviously, you're deranged.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
So have you appeared in front of the Select Committee before? A couple of times, actually, yes.
Governments get really het up about genetics, whichever lot are in, you know, modification, cloning.
Do you get nervous, speaking in front of a group of people like that? I only say that because you didn't seem it at all.
- Didn't I? - No, not at all.
- Um - Thanks, Nick.
No, I suppose I don't, really.
Well, not in front of MPs anyway.
[THEY LAUGH.]
I think I know more about it than they do.
Right.
Yeah, well, you know, that's a relief cos I'd be worried to think that MPs set themselves up as experts on anything.
Are you allowed to say that in here? Oh, off the record you are, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, all right.
- That's me.
- Oh have you seen the Chapel in the Crypt? No.
Wait one second.
[PHONE ALERT CHIMES.]
Sorted.
Just remind me to give those back to Martha afterwards cos my life will not be worth living, even if you are a VIP.
So are you OK for time? - Uh, yeah, sure.
- Sure? This way.
It's strictly by-appointment and Members can use it.
They have christenings.
You can even get married here.
[HEAVY DOOR OPENS.]
Wow.
It's a Royal Peculiar.
It means it's under the monarch's control via the Lord Chamberlain and that's Great Lord Chamberlain to you.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
Apparently, Oliver Cromwell stabled his horses here.
I don't know if that's true.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's obviously not top of the cleaning rota.
Oh, thank you.
This isn't the best bit.
Come here.
Come on.
You've come this far.
You're going to have to go first because it's a bit tight in there.
It used to be a broom cupboard.
What am I looking for? It's on the back of the door.
Can you see it? [LOCK CLICKS.]
The suffragette, you know? Yeah.
Um, I know who she is.
Derby Day.
Yeah.
She slipped in here on the night of the census of 1911, I think it was.
It was before she, you know, jumped in front of the horse, obviously caused a lot of trouble.
"In this broom cupboard Emily Wilding Davison "hid herself illegally "during the night of the 1911 census.
"In this way she was able to record her address "on the night of the census as being "the House of Commons.
" I knew you'd be interested.
OK? [SHE MOANS.]
[BELT BUCKLE RATTLES.]
[SHE BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[BUCKLE RATTLES.]
[HE BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[SHE MOANS.]
[RATTLING.]
[THEY PANT.]
[THEY PANT AND MOAN.]
[BUCKET CONTINUES TO RATTLE.]
[HE MOANS.]
[HE MOANS LOUDLY.]
[THEY PANT.]
I've never done anything like that before.
Then lucky me.
[BELL CHIMES IN DISTANCE.]
[SHE EXHALES.]
[GLASS CLINKS.]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
MAN: Hey.
Hi.
[HE SIGHS.]
- Oh, sorry, I forgot to get back - It's OK, it's OK.
The girl at the counter said the own-brand stuff is exactly the same, unsurprisingly.
- You still suffering? - [HE GROANS.]
The chilli might help.
Yeah, if I can taste it.
[HE SUPS.]
Mm, not bad.
- Did you get a chance to talk to Rosa? - How did it go? - The Standing Committee? - Oh.
Select Committee.
Um, fine, yeah.
Rosa wasn't in today.
Shall I set the table? I've done it.
So, according to Martin, it's a thing now, so no going back.
- Every birthday? - Mm.
As if secret sodding Santa wasn't bad enough.
It's good, love.
Tasty.
[HE SNORES.]
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
[HE GRUMBLES.]
'but the only person I can talk to about you is you.
'What we did today is without doubt 'I know nothing about you.
'Sex with you is like being eaten by a wolf.
'Will you even give me a second thought, or is this just something you do?' [CROSSING SIGNAL BEEPS.]
FYI, all the candidates and the specs we put up.
Saves you printing out the e-mails.
You're a star.
Thank you.
Um, Liz, about Kat's maternity cover I'm really sorry, I just can't face it.
The thought of doing that commute again every day makes me want to bang my head against a wall.
Even for six months? - It's really why I went part-time.
- It's OK.
Kat practically told us at the moment of conception.
We'll find someone.
Um, it's black silk with a red and orange pattern in it.
And when was it you were in, madam? Tuesday.
Tuesday.
One moment, please.
Sorry, madam.
No scarves at all.
Oh, well, it was worth a try.
- Indeed.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
[HE LAUGHS.]
So are you sure that you weren't just hanging out here on the off-chance that we'd bump into each other? Naturally.
No, I I work at the Beaufort Institute.
- Oh, classy.
- You've heard of it? Well, yeah, of course.
It crops up in the news all the time, doesn't it? Whenever there's something about genes or genomes or DNA, which, thanks to you, I now know aren't all the same thing.
[PHONE ALERT BEEPS.]
Sorry.
What is it you do exactly? Well, you know, it's civil service.
All very boring.
You don't look like a civil servant.
You don't look like a scientist.
You're married.
So am I.
Shall we just skip all that? I assume neither of us is looking for a parachute.
No.
Absolutely not.
Great.
I would love it if my daughter wanted to be a scientist, it's just that, at the moment, that would depend on lab coats coming in totally artificial fibre, being really shiny, and preferably pink.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
Carrie, my daughter, was always completely set on it.
Tunnel vision like me, I suppose.
[SHE GIGGLES.]
My niece is doing triple science at A level.
Maybe you could give her a pep talk? Um isn't this all a bit back to front, maybe, don't you think? Shoot first, ask questions later.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES FAINTLY.]
Yvonne! Come on, drink.
So how's Gary? Me first.
How are things with you and Chris? Oh "Oh"? It's nothing to worry about.
It's just you know, he's stopped making as much of an effort, we're not tearing each other's clothes off anymore.
That's not sounding good, Suze.
It's fine.
It's very civilised.
Anyway, I thought you'd be pleased Captain Sensible.
Oh, God, is that what I am? Always.
[SHE SIGHS.]
Is everything OK? How is Gary? Yeah, he's fine.
Um sends his love.
- You know, it's not that girl, is it? - Rosa? I told him to talk to the dean to make sure it was official.
I know it's all in her head, but you need backup these days.
You're sure it was, then? No, it's just Gary's still an attractive man.
I know you two are rock solid Hey, always his greatest fan.
No, I think we're out of the woods on that one.
20 years ago, maybe.
The students were queueing up, he used to get so embarrassed.
"Still attractive".
Do you think that's what they say about us? What is going on with you? You're very twitchy.
Must be my age.
Why was that? Why's that funny? It's like, what age are you, 100? Let's change the subject now.
I'm getting you drunk.
Oh go for it.
Hi, erm, I think Let's not.
I mean, it was really, really what it was, but too many people can get hurt.
Oh, God, the cliches, but it's true.
So that's it.
Yeah.
Take care.
[DISTURBANCE OUTSIDE.]
- [GLASS BREAKING.]
- No! Ah, fuck! Shit! Bloody hell! Has she cut herself? It's Rosa.
What?! - Sorry.
- Come on, Rosa.
What the hell are you doing? Careful, careful! No! Leave the bloody bottles! Oh, God.
Sorry, I'm I'm a bit bit pissed.
- Clearly.
- I just My friend, Mel, she lives just down the road.
She was having a crisis, a thing, and I just thought You know, it's the it's your road.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- Sorry.
Oh, Jeez! What have you done to yourself? Keep it up, keep it up.
Come on.
There we are.
Straight through.
I think she needs stitches.
Thank you.
I'll get it looked at.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
Mind your head.
[CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
[WOMAN LAUGHING.]
Hello, come in! Mum! All right? - How are you doing? - I'm good.
How are you? These are lovely, Carrie, thank you.
Poor Dad! Does he ever have to work on a Saturday? He won't be much longer.
I think it was just some papers that he forgot to bring back.
Can I borrow these? Yeah, sure.
Yes, please.
Thanks.
Carrie, love, do you want some? Or there's white in the fridge if you'd prefer? Oh, no thanks.
Have you spoken to Adam at all? Mm-mm.
Not recently, though Dad's been in touch on Facebook though.
Hey! Here he is! Bloody hell, A&E! I'm not doing that again in a hurry.
- A&E? What's wrong? - Hey! Didn't Mum say? Hi, Sathnam.
This research assistant turned up on our doorstep in the middle of the night and managed to cut herself on a broken bottle.
Mum said you were at the office.
Well, what was she doing pitching up here in the middle of the night? God knows! She was pissed, I think.
Did she need stitches? A couple.
All fine.
Nobody died! Look at this! Smashing.
Smells good as well, love.
Let's get some of it through to the table, shall we? - So, news.
- Hmm? Is it the Aberystwyth job? I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God pregnant.
Pregnant! I know, it's mad! I should have told you when I came in.
That's wonderful, well done.
Oh, Mum! I'm five years older than you were when you had me.
Yeah, and I've never pretended that that was ideal.
Yes, you did! You said it was great.
"Got it all out of the way and was back on the career ladder before the rest of them were even thinking of popping out a sprog.
" I'm just saying that your work is going so well.
And it'll go just as well when I'm back from maternity leave.
Honestly, Mum, the department's fine about it.
What if you don't want to go back? Of course I'll want to.
You did.
You know, it took me eight years to finish my PhD.
And your dad did it in three.
And your Nana practically sang the Hallelujah Chorus every time he changed a nappy.
She still calls women who work "career girls".
Yeah.
Don't forget "lady doctors".
Well, Nana the world's moved on a bit, hasn't it? Yeah.
Thank God.
Go to the cinema, do all the things you won't be able to do in nine months.
- Oh, don't tell him that! - Love you.
Or ever again! I love you, too.
Thanks for everything.
Keep them as long as you like.
Love you, guys.
Thanks for lunch.
Drive safely.
Bloody hell.
Granny and Grandad.
If you're sleeping with her, you can tell me, you know.
I mean, she seems very vulnerable I'm not.
Von.
OK.
There was a possibility of that but I shut it down.
I think that's why she's so upset.
"Possibility".
That day when we got the grant, back in the summer we were all celebrating - pissed - You said it was all in her head.
Well largely.
So, what? You snogged her or was it more than that? I'm not going to give you chapter and verse.
We're not bloody teenagers! Nothing happened.
That's all you need to know.
Shit.
Thank you.
How's the wonderful world of protein sequencing? You got it right.
Of course I did.
So, what what made you change your mind, then? About seeing me again? I suppose you're irresistible.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Clearly.
There's something else going on with you though, isn't there? [KNOCKING THEN OPENING OF DOOR.]
'Tell me something about your work.
' Something surprising that everybody gets wrong.
Umm That we know what we're doing? Seriously.
There's this image of science, the clinical thing, that we're efficient and we know everything, but, actually, all we can ever do is hazily grasp but a fraction of what it is we're trying to pin down like the genome.
Your typical haploid human genome Sorry, haploid, what's that again? Your basic genome.
It has three billion DNA base pairs of which less than 2% code for proteins.
So, the rest of the DNA, 98%, we don't really know what it's there for.
Could be useful or could be just biochemical rubbish.
And what I do? I'm just scrabbling about in the dirt, trying to look for the good stuff.
"We'll never conquer space.
" It's an Arthur C Clarke thing.
Well, basically, when everyone was getting all excited over the moon landings, he said, "Don't worry, whatever we discover, "the universe is far too big and too random for us ever to know it properly.
" "We'll never conquer space.
" 'Life's mysterious, which is a good thing.
' Isn't it? What are we doing? You're beautiful.
Oh, no.
You, you were carrying that, actually.
Well, no, I mean, if someone happened to see us coming downstairs together, they might wonder why you're dressed differently coming out.
'Am I in over my head with you?' Remind me what it is you do again? I told you, didn't I? Crown Estate.
Oiling the wheels.
'Who are you? 'I couldn't say.
'Although I have noticed secrets are the air you breathe.
' 'I've got you a present.
' You didn't go for the cheapest option.
Well, why would you have a cheap phone in your bag? 'It just sort of shouts "affair", doesn't it?' 'It's a pay-as-you-go.
'Obviously, you don't link it to your e-mail account.
'Oh, and don't top it up at the same place twice, right, cos it's important not to establish a pattern, which is kind of the exact opposite of what you do.
If we're going to do this, then at least we can make sure no-one gets hurt.
' You look well.
- Do I? - Mmm.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Oh, I'm fine, George, thanks.
Thought you'd both be latte girls.
Am I right? Well, that was the button I pressed.
It probably all tastes the same.
Sorry, Yvonne.
I know you like posh coffee.
Oh, as long as it's caffeine.
I like to pretend I'm classy, but I'm really easy.
[HE LAUGHS.]
So, I'm here to talk to you about why genome editing should have - transformed the way we treat cancer.
- [LOUD BEEP.]
What is genome editing? I don't think I need to explain that to this room, but if you'll - - bear with me for one moment.
DNA.
Inserted, replaced, deleted.
Anyway Liz slices it, these things are always a slog.
You getting the Tube? Er, no, I've got things to do.
Oh, I'll see you tomorrow then When fates are decided.
- Yeah.
Bye, George.
- See ya.
I've been stalking you.
RMU, the PhD with merchant supervising, the Beaufort It's my dream career.
Well, we enjoyed hearing your presentation.
Hang on.
Dr Carmichael, whatever the outcome, and I do totally respect that.
I'd I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk with you about your research.
I'm very discreet.
Were you tempted? Would I be telling you if I was? Tin.
Recycling.
He made my skin crawl, actually.
Confident little creep.
Lots of, you know, primate crotch display.
Well, you're the one with all the power, love, that's probably what it was about.
You can screw him over, so he thought he'd do the same with you.
You know, redress the balance.
Well, he's not getting the job.
His presentation was extremely pedestrian.
Oh, you see? You won.
Adam came by today.
- Adam? - Yeah, around lunchtime.
I was lucky not to miss him.
Well, why didn't you say? It was a flying visit.
He's down for a friend's gig, he said.
Picked up a piece of kit.
A loop pedal or I've probably got that wrong.
- Well, how was he? - Fine.
Did he look well? Ish.
He's looked worse.
Love, he was fine.
You know what he's like.
He stayed for a cup of tea and the contents of the biscuit tin.
Did he say how long he was going to be around? Just for the gig, I think, then he's back off up to Manchester.
He sends his love.
Said to give you a big kiss.
'Has anyone seen you using the phone?' Well, no-one I know, obviously.
'What will you tell your husband, if he finds it, if he goes through your bag?' He won't.
We're not like that.
He's not the jealous type.
It's important to imagine the worst-case scenario.
'Well, I'll say that it belongs to Liz from work' and that she left it at a meeting and I've been carrying it around, intending to give it back.
- Ooh, you're good.
- 'I know.
' It's worrying, isn't it? 'It is a bit.
' But he won't ask or notice.
Tell me something that winds you up about him.
What? 'Your husband.
Something that really gets on your nerves.
' No.
'Go on.
' No! I'm not doing that.
No parachutes, do you remember? I'm going.
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
[TEXT ALERT.]
Hey.
Oh, hi.
'I can't plead biology.
Sex may be an animal pleasure, but adultery, I'm discovering, is a human one.
' "Is life a boon? If so, it must befall that death, whene'er he call, must call too soon.
" 'It's not exactly win-win, is it?' Life is a boon and then you die.
Or life isn't a boon, it's just shit, and then you die.
'What do you reckon?' 'Me? I reckon life's a boon.
' It's all right, it's all right.
Risk assessment.
Camera Facing the wrong way.
Excuse me, have you got a light? I didn't know you smoked.
I don't.
It's handy sometimes.
[WOMEN LAUGH.]
Er, I'm sorry.
I miscalculated.
Bit near rush hour.
It's really a thing with you, isn't it, public places? Well, you know me well enough by now.
It's I can't help it.
It turns me on, it just does.
It's probably It's probably genetic.
Christ, do you really think that means something? That that absolves you of all responsibility, just hard-wiring? But Well OK, probably that was a bad choice of words, but I'm sorry, this is ridiculous.
At our age.
What kind of stupid game are we playing, anyway? Hey! What? Wait, wait, wait.
I thought I thought I thought you did, too.
No.
It's you, actually.
You turn me on.
It's all right.
I know the deal.
I might be stupid, but I'm not blind.
Those girls earlier, I'm sure you'd rather be screwing them, preferably outside, but you've got to settle for what's on offer.
Oh, my God! - Well, look at me! - What? What? You're gorgeous! I'm middle-aged and my body looks I look like a bloody jelly baby! Yvonne! [PHONE RINGS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Hello? [CALLER HANGS UP.]
- Adam? - No.
It's no-one.
'Gary's friend, Michael, he started base jumping in his forties, flinging himself off cliffs.
At least you don't do that.
You just ask other people to.
' Von, I'm taking the charger from the kitchen.
That's mine.
You look nice.
Yeah, it's Jonathon's leaving do.
I'll be making your apologies.
Oh, course.
That's tonight, is it? They'll have a charger at the hotel.
Och, I told them not to bother with the hotel, I'm I'm kipping at Andy's.
Uh, right, OK.
Well, have a nice night.
Love to Jonathon.
See you Friday.
I Thank you very much.
Cheers.
Thanks.
I-I was just I was just imagining something shorter, that's all.
Well, the rules are tits or legs, but you can't have both.
Take your knickers off.
Who says I'm wearing any? [SHE LAUGHS.]
Oh, God, I love men.
Of course I am.
A dress like this? So take Take them off now, then.
Come on.
I mean, there's got to be something in it for me, you're going to this party.
We could have had a night in a hotel.
Gary's away.
I know, you can't.
I love hotels.
Gary hates them.
I'm sorry.
Don't.
So? [HE GRUNTS.]
I'll take mine I'll take mine off, too, if you like.
All right.
But you have to put them back on over your trousers.
Jesus Christ.
[SHE SIGHS.]
Don't talk to any strange men.
Well, it's a science faculty, so it's going to be wall-to-wall strange men and there'll be masses of drink.
OK.
So text me later.
Even if you're pissed.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Especially if you're pissed.
Risk assessment.
[THEY SNIGGER.]
[THEY LAUGH.]
- Hey - It's fine.
How do you know? Intuition.
By which I mean, of course, a combination of observation knowledge and experience otherwise known as gambler's edge.
Oh, good God.
- [HE MOANS.]
- I can't.
- Oh, yeah, you can.
- I-I really can't.
No, you can.
You really can.
[SHE PANTS.]
[BELT BUCKLE RATTLES.]
[THEY PANT.]
[HE MOANS.]
Hey.
Where's the apple tree? Long gone.
What time is it? - It's ten past nine.
Shit.
- Go.
Go, go on.
Text me, OK? Send me a picture.
- Hey! - What? It's a dummy camera.
How do you know? It's not hooked up to anything.
They just put them up as a deterrent, that's all.
Seriously.
It's easy to tell the difference if you know what to look for.
Have fun.
Oh, my God.
I'm fucking a spook.
[BOMBASTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Great.
Thank you.
- God, you look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- Hiya.
George, how are you? - Good.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Proper champagne.
- Mm.
Is Jonathon really paying for all this himself? Well, maybe he got one of the patrons to put their hand in their pocket.
Peller or someone.
- Doesn't that count as a bribe? - Well, not if he's retiring.
- Jonathon.
- Hey, George, hello! - Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
Nice to see you.
How are you? It's exactly like Gary to miss a party.
Well, anyway, he's in Sunderland.
Isn't Sunderland where they have that? Yep.
Amazing mouse lab.
Gary raves about it.
Do send him my love, won't you? - Haven't seen him for yonks.
- Mm.
You're fucking a spook.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[WOMEN GIGGLE.]
[PHONE ALERT BEEPS.]
Signs are they're about to run out.
Better make hay while the sun shines.
Absolutely.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[PHONE ALERT BEEPS.]
[BOTTLE HITS GROUND.]
[THEY CHATTER AND LAUGH.]
I've got it.
Oh, dear I'll look after it.
Oh, I'm for my bed.
Total lightweight these days.
Yeah, me, too.
- Sleep well, babe.
- You, too.
- See you on Monday.
- Monday! [PHONE ALERT CHIMES.]
Do you fancy splitting a cab? Oh, that's a great idea.
You live west, don't you? I do, I do, I do.
I just left my stuff in my office.
Won't take me a sec.
- C'mon, c'mon.
- OK.
OK.
Do you know what really winds me up about Gary? His haircut.
I hate his haircut.
He's had the same haircut for 30 years and I hated it 30 years ago.
Oh, dearie me.
Oh, God, did I say that out loud? I'm really sorry.
It is definitely, definitely time for bed.
Oh, come on, George, don't be silly.
No, no No, no, no Does your husband know you're fucking someone else? What? Does he? - No, get off.
- Shush, shush, shush.
Get off me! [HE ROARS.]
Come on! RASPS: Listen to me.
Now, you move, even a tiny bit, and I'll hit you again.
Do you understand me? Do you? Yeah? Good girl.
Fucking good girl.
[HE BELLOWS.]
[HE GRUNTS.]
[SHE WHIMPERS.]
Please! 'Fear that's what makes animals of us all.
' Before I met you I was civilised.
Civilised.
So help me God.
Civilised.
Now, I don't even know what that means.
Food, shelter, sex, once those needs are covered, we can pretend we're in control.
That the lives we build keep us human.
But, really, we're all just animals.
You know how I know that? Fear.
[SCREECHING, SHE GASPS.]
Fear for your life.
Once you've felt that, everything else, all this so-called civilisation it's a dream.
You've taught me that, my love.
Would the defendant please stand? 'Fear makes animals of us all.
' [BELL CHIMES.]
In terms of our research, we're pushing at frontiers and there are bound to be anxieties around that.
I do understand.
But, to be frank, most of those anxieties are completely unfounded.
MAN: So everything we're hearing about Frankenfoods? They're still foods and how they're processed and regulated, that's crucial, obviously.
But that's a question for Government or business, not science.
Listen, the more we learn about DNA, the more avenues there are for gene therapy, which could lead to the eradication of genetically-based illness and that has to be a tremendous positive.
But you can reassure us, professor, no ten-foot mice on the cards, or triangular cows? The work we're doing is never going to result in corn with udders.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hi, it's me.
Just to say they're done with me, so you don't need to be home in time for the Tesco delivery Um, that's it.
Oh, and I'll cook, by the way.
See ya.
We won't be seeing you this afternoon, then, Professor Carmichael? No.
David moved up the technology questions - so that I'd be finished by lunchtime.
- Oh.
Efficiency in the civil service, there's a novelty.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
- Hi.
- Anything else? Uh, no, that's it, thank you.
You were very articulate in there, professor.
Thanks.
The first time I've ever understood what a genome is.
Oh, good! Um, well, I do I do a lot of lecturing, but it's not professor, actually.
Ah.
- That's more American, is it? - Exactly, yes.
I get that because of the mad scientist thing.
You know, Nutty Professor.
Right, well, I can see, obviously, you're deranged.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
So have you appeared in front of the Select Committee before? A couple of times, actually, yes.
Governments get really het up about genetics, whichever lot are in, you know, modification, cloning.
Do you get nervous, speaking in front of a group of people like that? I only say that because you didn't seem it at all.
- Didn't I? - No, not at all.
- Um - Thanks, Nick.
No, I suppose I don't, really.
Well, not in front of MPs anyway.
[THEY LAUGH.]
I think I know more about it than they do.
Right.
Yeah, well, you know, that's a relief cos I'd be worried to think that MPs set themselves up as experts on anything.
Are you allowed to say that in here? Oh, off the record you are, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, all right.
- That's me.
- Oh have you seen the Chapel in the Crypt? No.
Wait one second.
[PHONE ALERT CHIMES.]
Sorted.
Just remind me to give those back to Martha afterwards cos my life will not be worth living, even if you are a VIP.
So are you OK for time? - Uh, yeah, sure.
- Sure? This way.
It's strictly by-appointment and Members can use it.
They have christenings.
You can even get married here.
[HEAVY DOOR OPENS.]
Wow.
It's a Royal Peculiar.
It means it's under the monarch's control via the Lord Chamberlain and that's Great Lord Chamberlain to you.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
Apparently, Oliver Cromwell stabled his horses here.
I don't know if that's true.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's obviously not top of the cleaning rota.
Oh, thank you.
This isn't the best bit.
Come here.
Come on.
You've come this far.
You're going to have to go first because it's a bit tight in there.
It used to be a broom cupboard.
What am I looking for? It's on the back of the door.
Can you see it? [LOCK CLICKS.]
The suffragette, you know? Yeah.
Um, I know who she is.
Derby Day.
Yeah.
She slipped in here on the night of the census of 1911, I think it was.
It was before she, you know, jumped in front of the horse, obviously caused a lot of trouble.
"In this broom cupboard Emily Wilding Davison "hid herself illegally "during the night of the 1911 census.
"In this way she was able to record her address "on the night of the census as being "the House of Commons.
" I knew you'd be interested.
OK? [SHE MOANS.]
[BELT BUCKLE RATTLES.]
[SHE BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[BUCKLE RATTLES.]
[HE BREATHES HEAVILY.]
[SHE MOANS.]
[RATTLING.]
[THEY PANT.]
[THEY PANT AND MOAN.]
[BUCKET CONTINUES TO RATTLE.]
[HE MOANS.]
[HE MOANS LOUDLY.]
[THEY PANT.]
I've never done anything like that before.
Then lucky me.
[BELL CHIMES IN DISTANCE.]
[SHE EXHALES.]
[GLASS CLINKS.]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
MAN: Hey.
Hi.
[HE SIGHS.]
- Oh, sorry, I forgot to get back - It's OK, it's OK.
The girl at the counter said the own-brand stuff is exactly the same, unsurprisingly.
- You still suffering? - [HE GROANS.]
The chilli might help.
Yeah, if I can taste it.
[HE SUPS.]
Mm, not bad.
- Did you get a chance to talk to Rosa? - How did it go? - The Standing Committee? - Oh.
Select Committee.
Um, fine, yeah.
Rosa wasn't in today.
Shall I set the table? I've done it.
So, according to Martin, it's a thing now, so no going back.
- Every birthday? - Mm.
As if secret sodding Santa wasn't bad enough.
It's good, love.
Tasty.
[HE SNORES.]
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
[HE GRUMBLES.]
'but the only person I can talk to about you is you.
'What we did today is without doubt 'I know nothing about you.
'Sex with you is like being eaten by a wolf.
'Will you even give me a second thought, or is this just something you do?' [CROSSING SIGNAL BEEPS.]
FYI, all the candidates and the specs we put up.
Saves you printing out the e-mails.
You're a star.
Thank you.
Um, Liz, about Kat's maternity cover I'm really sorry, I just can't face it.
The thought of doing that commute again every day makes me want to bang my head against a wall.
Even for six months? - It's really why I went part-time.
- It's OK.
Kat practically told us at the moment of conception.
We'll find someone.
Um, it's black silk with a red and orange pattern in it.
And when was it you were in, madam? Tuesday.
Tuesday.
One moment, please.
Sorry, madam.
No scarves at all.
Oh, well, it was worth a try.
- Indeed.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
[HE LAUGHS.]
So are you sure that you weren't just hanging out here on the off-chance that we'd bump into each other? Naturally.
No, I I work at the Beaufort Institute.
- Oh, classy.
- You've heard of it? Well, yeah, of course.
It crops up in the news all the time, doesn't it? Whenever there's something about genes or genomes or DNA, which, thanks to you, I now know aren't all the same thing.
[PHONE ALERT BEEPS.]
Sorry.
What is it you do exactly? Well, you know, it's civil service.
All very boring.
You don't look like a civil servant.
You don't look like a scientist.
You're married.
So am I.
Shall we just skip all that? I assume neither of us is looking for a parachute.
No.
Absolutely not.
Great.
I would love it if my daughter wanted to be a scientist, it's just that, at the moment, that would depend on lab coats coming in totally artificial fibre, being really shiny, and preferably pink.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
Carrie, my daughter, was always completely set on it.
Tunnel vision like me, I suppose.
[SHE GIGGLES.]
My niece is doing triple science at A level.
Maybe you could give her a pep talk? Um isn't this all a bit back to front, maybe, don't you think? Shoot first, ask questions later.
[SHE LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES FAINTLY.]
Yvonne! Come on, drink.
So how's Gary? Me first.
How are things with you and Chris? Oh "Oh"? It's nothing to worry about.
It's just you know, he's stopped making as much of an effort, we're not tearing each other's clothes off anymore.
That's not sounding good, Suze.
It's fine.
It's very civilised.
Anyway, I thought you'd be pleased Captain Sensible.
Oh, God, is that what I am? Always.
[SHE SIGHS.]
Is everything OK? How is Gary? Yeah, he's fine.
Um sends his love.
- You know, it's not that girl, is it? - Rosa? I told him to talk to the dean to make sure it was official.
I know it's all in her head, but you need backup these days.
You're sure it was, then? No, it's just Gary's still an attractive man.
I know you two are rock solid Hey, always his greatest fan.
No, I think we're out of the woods on that one.
20 years ago, maybe.
The students were queueing up, he used to get so embarrassed.
"Still attractive".
Do you think that's what they say about us? What is going on with you? You're very twitchy.
Must be my age.
Why was that? Why's that funny? It's like, what age are you, 100? Let's change the subject now.
I'm getting you drunk.
Oh go for it.
Hi, erm, I think Let's not.
I mean, it was really, really what it was, but too many people can get hurt.
Oh, God, the cliches, but it's true.
So that's it.
Yeah.
Take care.
[DISTURBANCE OUTSIDE.]
- [GLASS BREAKING.]
- No! Ah, fuck! Shit! Bloody hell! Has she cut herself? It's Rosa.
What?! - Sorry.
- Come on, Rosa.
What the hell are you doing? Careful, careful! No! Leave the bloody bottles! Oh, God.
Sorry, I'm I'm a bit bit pissed.
- Clearly.
- I just My friend, Mel, she lives just down the road.
She was having a crisis, a thing, and I just thought You know, it's the it's your road.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- Sorry.
Oh, Jeez! What have you done to yourself? Keep it up, keep it up.
Come on.
There we are.
Straight through.
I think she needs stitches.
Thank you.
I'll get it looked at.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
Mind your head.
[CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
[WOMAN LAUGHING.]
Hello, come in! Mum! All right? - How are you doing? - I'm good.
How are you? These are lovely, Carrie, thank you.
Poor Dad! Does he ever have to work on a Saturday? He won't be much longer.
I think it was just some papers that he forgot to bring back.
Can I borrow these? Yeah, sure.
Yes, please.
Thanks.
Carrie, love, do you want some? Or there's white in the fridge if you'd prefer? Oh, no thanks.
Have you spoken to Adam at all? Mm-mm.
Not recently, though Dad's been in touch on Facebook though.
Hey! Here he is! Bloody hell, A&E! I'm not doing that again in a hurry.
- A&E? What's wrong? - Hey! Didn't Mum say? Hi, Sathnam.
This research assistant turned up on our doorstep in the middle of the night and managed to cut herself on a broken bottle.
Mum said you were at the office.
Well, what was she doing pitching up here in the middle of the night? God knows! She was pissed, I think.
Did she need stitches? A couple.
All fine.
Nobody died! Look at this! Smashing.
Smells good as well, love.
Let's get some of it through to the table, shall we? - So, news.
- Hmm? Is it the Aberystwyth job? I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God pregnant.
Pregnant! I know, it's mad! I should have told you when I came in.
That's wonderful, well done.
Oh, Mum! I'm five years older than you were when you had me.
Yeah, and I've never pretended that that was ideal.
Yes, you did! You said it was great.
"Got it all out of the way and was back on the career ladder before the rest of them were even thinking of popping out a sprog.
" I'm just saying that your work is going so well.
And it'll go just as well when I'm back from maternity leave.
Honestly, Mum, the department's fine about it.
What if you don't want to go back? Of course I'll want to.
You did.
You know, it took me eight years to finish my PhD.
And your dad did it in three.
And your Nana practically sang the Hallelujah Chorus every time he changed a nappy.
She still calls women who work "career girls".
Yeah.
Don't forget "lady doctors".
Well, Nana the world's moved on a bit, hasn't it? Yeah.
Thank God.
Go to the cinema, do all the things you won't be able to do in nine months.
- Oh, don't tell him that! - Love you.
Or ever again! I love you, too.
Thanks for everything.
Keep them as long as you like.
Love you, guys.
Thanks for lunch.
Drive safely.
Bloody hell.
Granny and Grandad.
If you're sleeping with her, you can tell me, you know.
I mean, she seems very vulnerable I'm not.
Von.
OK.
There was a possibility of that but I shut it down.
I think that's why she's so upset.
"Possibility".
That day when we got the grant, back in the summer we were all celebrating - pissed - You said it was all in her head.
Well largely.
So, what? You snogged her or was it more than that? I'm not going to give you chapter and verse.
We're not bloody teenagers! Nothing happened.
That's all you need to know.
Shit.
Thank you.
How's the wonderful world of protein sequencing? You got it right.
Of course I did.
So, what what made you change your mind, then? About seeing me again? I suppose you're irresistible.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Clearly.
There's something else going on with you though, isn't there? [KNOCKING THEN OPENING OF DOOR.]
'Tell me something about your work.
' Something surprising that everybody gets wrong.
Umm That we know what we're doing? Seriously.
There's this image of science, the clinical thing, that we're efficient and we know everything, but, actually, all we can ever do is hazily grasp but a fraction of what it is we're trying to pin down like the genome.
Your typical haploid human genome Sorry, haploid, what's that again? Your basic genome.
It has three billion DNA base pairs of which less than 2% code for proteins.
So, the rest of the DNA, 98%, we don't really know what it's there for.
Could be useful or could be just biochemical rubbish.
And what I do? I'm just scrabbling about in the dirt, trying to look for the good stuff.
"We'll never conquer space.
" It's an Arthur C Clarke thing.
Well, basically, when everyone was getting all excited over the moon landings, he said, "Don't worry, whatever we discover, "the universe is far too big and too random for us ever to know it properly.
" "We'll never conquer space.
" 'Life's mysterious, which is a good thing.
' Isn't it? What are we doing? You're beautiful.
Oh, no.
You, you were carrying that, actually.
Well, no, I mean, if someone happened to see us coming downstairs together, they might wonder why you're dressed differently coming out.
'Am I in over my head with you?' Remind me what it is you do again? I told you, didn't I? Crown Estate.
Oiling the wheels.
'Who are you? 'I couldn't say.
'Although I have noticed secrets are the air you breathe.
' 'I've got you a present.
' You didn't go for the cheapest option.
Well, why would you have a cheap phone in your bag? 'It just sort of shouts "affair", doesn't it?' 'It's a pay-as-you-go.
'Obviously, you don't link it to your e-mail account.
'Oh, and don't top it up at the same place twice, right, cos it's important not to establish a pattern, which is kind of the exact opposite of what you do.
If we're going to do this, then at least we can make sure no-one gets hurt.
' You look well.
- Do I? - Mmm.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Oh, I'm fine, George, thanks.
Thought you'd both be latte girls.
Am I right? Well, that was the button I pressed.
It probably all tastes the same.
Sorry, Yvonne.
I know you like posh coffee.
Oh, as long as it's caffeine.
I like to pretend I'm classy, but I'm really easy.
[HE LAUGHS.]
So, I'm here to talk to you about why genome editing should have - transformed the way we treat cancer.
- [LOUD BEEP.]
What is genome editing? I don't think I need to explain that to this room, but if you'll - - bear with me for one moment.
DNA.
Inserted, replaced, deleted.
Anyway Liz slices it, these things are always a slog.
You getting the Tube? Er, no, I've got things to do.
Oh, I'll see you tomorrow then When fates are decided.
- Yeah.
Bye, George.
- See ya.
I've been stalking you.
RMU, the PhD with merchant supervising, the Beaufort It's my dream career.
Well, we enjoyed hearing your presentation.
Hang on.
Dr Carmichael, whatever the outcome, and I do totally respect that.
I'd I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk with you about your research.
I'm very discreet.
Were you tempted? Would I be telling you if I was? Tin.
Recycling.
He made my skin crawl, actually.
Confident little creep.
Lots of, you know, primate crotch display.
Well, you're the one with all the power, love, that's probably what it was about.
You can screw him over, so he thought he'd do the same with you.
You know, redress the balance.
Well, he's not getting the job.
His presentation was extremely pedestrian.
Oh, you see? You won.
Adam came by today.
- Adam? - Yeah, around lunchtime.
I was lucky not to miss him.
Well, why didn't you say? It was a flying visit.
He's down for a friend's gig, he said.
Picked up a piece of kit.
A loop pedal or I've probably got that wrong.
- Well, how was he? - Fine.
Did he look well? Ish.
He's looked worse.
Love, he was fine.
You know what he's like.
He stayed for a cup of tea and the contents of the biscuit tin.
Did he say how long he was going to be around? Just for the gig, I think, then he's back off up to Manchester.
He sends his love.
Said to give you a big kiss.
'Has anyone seen you using the phone?' Well, no-one I know, obviously.
'What will you tell your husband, if he finds it, if he goes through your bag?' He won't.
We're not like that.
He's not the jealous type.
It's important to imagine the worst-case scenario.
'Well, I'll say that it belongs to Liz from work' and that she left it at a meeting and I've been carrying it around, intending to give it back.
- Ooh, you're good.
- 'I know.
' It's worrying, isn't it? 'It is a bit.
' But he won't ask or notice.
Tell me something that winds you up about him.
What? 'Your husband.
Something that really gets on your nerves.
' No.
'Go on.
' No! I'm not doing that.
No parachutes, do you remember? I'm going.
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
[TEXT ALERT.]
Hey.
Oh, hi.
'I can't plead biology.
Sex may be an animal pleasure, but adultery, I'm discovering, is a human one.
' "Is life a boon? If so, it must befall that death, whene'er he call, must call too soon.
" 'It's not exactly win-win, is it?' Life is a boon and then you die.
Or life isn't a boon, it's just shit, and then you die.
'What do you reckon?' 'Me? I reckon life's a boon.
' It's all right, it's all right.
Risk assessment.
Camera Facing the wrong way.
Excuse me, have you got a light? I didn't know you smoked.
I don't.
It's handy sometimes.
[WOMEN LAUGH.]
Er, I'm sorry.
I miscalculated.
Bit near rush hour.
It's really a thing with you, isn't it, public places? Well, you know me well enough by now.
It's I can't help it.
It turns me on, it just does.
It's probably It's probably genetic.
Christ, do you really think that means something? That that absolves you of all responsibility, just hard-wiring? But Well OK, probably that was a bad choice of words, but I'm sorry, this is ridiculous.
At our age.
What kind of stupid game are we playing, anyway? Hey! What? Wait, wait, wait.
I thought I thought I thought you did, too.
No.
It's you, actually.
You turn me on.
It's all right.
I know the deal.
I might be stupid, but I'm not blind.
Those girls earlier, I'm sure you'd rather be screwing them, preferably outside, but you've got to settle for what's on offer.
Oh, my God! - Well, look at me! - What? What? You're gorgeous! I'm middle-aged and my body looks I look like a bloody jelly baby! Yvonne! [PHONE RINGS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Hello? [CALLER HANGS UP.]
- Adam? - No.
It's no-one.
'Gary's friend, Michael, he started base jumping in his forties, flinging himself off cliffs.
At least you don't do that.
You just ask other people to.
' Von, I'm taking the charger from the kitchen.
That's mine.
You look nice.
Yeah, it's Jonathon's leaving do.
I'll be making your apologies.
Oh, course.
That's tonight, is it? They'll have a charger at the hotel.
Och, I told them not to bother with the hotel, I'm I'm kipping at Andy's.
Uh, right, OK.
Well, have a nice night.
Love to Jonathon.
See you Friday.
I Thank you very much.
Cheers.
Thanks.
I-I was just I was just imagining something shorter, that's all.
Well, the rules are tits or legs, but you can't have both.
Take your knickers off.
Who says I'm wearing any? [SHE LAUGHS.]
Oh, God, I love men.
Of course I am.
A dress like this? So take Take them off now, then.
Come on.
I mean, there's got to be something in it for me, you're going to this party.
We could have had a night in a hotel.
Gary's away.
I know, you can't.
I love hotels.
Gary hates them.
I'm sorry.
Don't.
So? [HE GRUNTS.]
I'll take mine I'll take mine off, too, if you like.
All right.
But you have to put them back on over your trousers.
Jesus Christ.
[SHE SIGHS.]
Don't talk to any strange men.
Well, it's a science faculty, so it's going to be wall-to-wall strange men and there'll be masses of drink.
OK.
So text me later.
Even if you're pissed.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Especially if you're pissed.
Risk assessment.
[THEY SNIGGER.]
[THEY LAUGH.]
- Hey - It's fine.
How do you know? Intuition.
By which I mean, of course, a combination of observation knowledge and experience otherwise known as gambler's edge.
Oh, good God.
- [HE MOANS.]
- I can't.
- Oh, yeah, you can.
- I-I really can't.
No, you can.
You really can.
[SHE PANTS.]
[BELT BUCKLE RATTLES.]
[THEY PANT.]
[HE MOANS.]
Hey.
Where's the apple tree? Long gone.
What time is it? - It's ten past nine.
Shit.
- Go.
Go, go on.
Text me, OK? Send me a picture.
- Hey! - What? It's a dummy camera.
How do you know? It's not hooked up to anything.
They just put them up as a deterrent, that's all.
Seriously.
It's easy to tell the difference if you know what to look for.
Have fun.
Oh, my God.
I'm fucking a spook.
[BOMBASTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Great.
Thank you.
- God, you look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- Hiya.
George, how are you? - Good.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Proper champagne.
- Mm.
Is Jonathon really paying for all this himself? Well, maybe he got one of the patrons to put their hand in their pocket.
Peller or someone.
- Doesn't that count as a bribe? - Well, not if he's retiring.
- Jonathon.
- Hey, George, hello! - Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
Nice to see you.
How are you? It's exactly like Gary to miss a party.
Well, anyway, he's in Sunderland.
Isn't Sunderland where they have that? Yep.
Amazing mouse lab.
Gary raves about it.
Do send him my love, won't you? - Haven't seen him for yonks.
- Mm.
You're fucking a spook.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[WOMEN GIGGLE.]
[PHONE ALERT BEEPS.]
Signs are they're about to run out.
Better make hay while the sun shines.
Absolutely.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[PHONE ALERT BEEPS.]
[BOTTLE HITS GROUND.]
[THEY CHATTER AND LAUGH.]
I've got it.
Oh, dear I'll look after it.
Oh, I'm for my bed.
Total lightweight these days.
Yeah, me, too.
- Sleep well, babe.
- You, too.
- See you on Monday.
- Monday! [PHONE ALERT CHIMES.]
Do you fancy splitting a cab? Oh, that's a great idea.
You live west, don't you? I do, I do, I do.
I just left my stuff in my office.
Won't take me a sec.
- C'mon, c'mon.
- OK.
OK.
Do you know what really winds me up about Gary? His haircut.
I hate his haircut.
He's had the same haircut for 30 years and I hated it 30 years ago.
Oh, dearie me.
Oh, God, did I say that out loud? I'm really sorry.
It is definitely, definitely time for bed.
Oh, come on, George, don't be silly.
No, no No, no, no Does your husband know you're fucking someone else? What? Does he? - No, get off.
- Shush, shush, shush.
Get off me! [HE ROARS.]
Come on! RASPS: Listen to me.
Now, you move, even a tiny bit, and I'll hit you again.
Do you understand me? Do you? Yeah? Good girl.
Fucking good girl.
[HE BELLOWS.]
[HE GRUNTS.]
[SHE WHIMPERS.]
Please! 'Fear that's what makes animals of us all.
' Before I met you I was civilised.
Civilised.
So help me God.