Arab Maklum (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Suhoor!
-Suhoor!
-What is happening, Ba?
This is the new speaker I bought.
Nice, right?
It can wake a whole neighborhood.
You are too much.
Give me another ten minutes.
Magadir!
Aba!
So funny.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
What is it, Ba? You keep laughing.
I'm watching a video of a cat dancing.
Are you trying to pick a fight?
You keep watching a cat dancing, yet you
look away when your wife is doing it.
FIGHTING
Sa, sahoor!
Sasa, hurry before imsak!
"Morning, morning." Is your head aching?
"Sabah alkhayr, Aba."
That's what you should've said.
What is "morning"?
Mi, a glass, please.
I will just drink some milk
and eat some kebabs.
I'm going to have them as takeout.
"Takeout"? Do you think
this is a restaurant?
Let her be.
Sasa.
How was college?
Good, Ba.
Have you been able to adapt?
Inshallah.
Have you made any good friends?
Yes, one person.
You have been going for six months,
but you've only made one good friend?
If it has to be a good friend,
there's only one, Ba.
But I have a lot of casual friends.
Do those casual friends also know you?
Sa, let me tell you something.
If they have added you
to their WhatsApp group,
you have become friends.
But if they have been gossiping with you,
that's a good friend.
You only know about WhatsApp groups.
I'm going to my room.
Sasa, bring your friend here.
Introduce them to us.
Really, Ba?
Yes. Is there a problem?
Okay, Ba. I'll bring her here.
Umi.
I'm worried our daughter
is not socializing enough.
That's just so you.
You worry if your daughter
doesn't have any friends,
but when she has many friends,
you say, "She's hanging out too much!"
"She is going to be like
Umi Ipah's child."
"It's not right to act like that.
I don't like it."
It's always wrong with you.
That's imsak.
You've been keeping me from eating.
You're eating too fast. It's still hot!
UMRAH TRAVEL PACKAGE
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
It's great, Mud.
We have a customer.
Two hundred people will go to Sumba.
Alhamdulillah. Awesome!
Aseng.
-What are you drinking?
-Ultra Milk.
What?
Ultra Milk. It's so famous. I've been
drinking it since my childhood.
Here, Mahmud.
I've bought you noodles
to break your fast.
Alhamdulillah.
Is this halal?
Of course it's halal,
it's chicken noodles.
-I'm so lucky.
-Absolutely.
-There's even a wonton.
-Don't eat the wonton.
-That's a pork wonton.
-Astagfirullahaladzim!
Ya Allah!
-That means this is not halal!
-Huh?
Those are chicken noodles,
so they're halal.
Just eat the noodles.
It's not halal anymore
if they have been mixed up.
Is that so? Chicken is not halal
when it's mixed with pork?
When a restaurant offers chicken and pork,
they use the same utensils for both.
Thus, it's not halal anymore.
Here, take these chicken noodles.
Next time you want to buy me food,
make sure the restaurant
doesn't offer pork.
Right, sorry.
Next time, I'll check that first.
At the farm, the chickens
weren't mixed with the pigs.
There's no one who puts chickens and pigs
in the same coop, Aseng.
Mahmud, I think we need to step up
our digital promotion,
such as social media,
for Ahlan Tour.
There's no need for things like that.
Why not?
You know our rival, Hello Tour?
They are actively promoting
on social media.
Customers keep coming in.
They have a lot of viewers on TikTok.
Two and a half million. Crazy!
Are you listening to me?
Is what I'm saying not important?
Why are you moving like that?
My back hurts, Seng.
That's natural since you're old.
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Watch your mouth. I'm not old.
You are over 50 years old.
That's natural. You should do yoga.
Since I started yoga,
my body's been flexible. It's great.
No. I don't want to go to yoga classes.
All the moms go there!
Who is telling you
to go to yoga classes with moms?
The yoga class is on TV every evening.
Just watch it. It's good.
Laela, do you know about the new activity
the widows in our complex are doing?
What is it, Nab?
You are always like that.
Always behind the news.
Now, the widows are busy
joining a yoga class.
Really?
Where is it?
At the end of the complex, Mrs. Laela.
That's why now the husbands
in this complex keep going there.
They really like seeing those widows
doing the yoga class.
So this is a problem for us, Nab.
A big problem!
Yes, I have said my istigfar.
"Astagfirullahaladzim," I said.
And do you know Vanya,
whose house is near the mosque?
I know. The beautiful and curvy one.
Yes. She just divorced her husband.
Very recently.
Ya Allah.
Poor her.
-But, Nab
-Yes?
I knew they would get a divorce.
There's no man strong enough.
It's bad!
This is really bad!
I have decided! From now on,
we have to be stricter
in looking after our husbands.
I agree! Especially
now Lavanya the charmer is around.
Right! Do you know?
There's even hotter news about Vanya.
What else, Jenab?
She said to the neighbors,
"Find a match for me, please!"
-What?
-Yes!
Even worse, she said,
"I don't mind being a second wife."
Is that true?
So what if it's true?
When it comes to gossip about widows,
you join in immediately!
I just happened to overhear you.
I also know Vanya.
I do have the intention
of approaching her.
What do you mean by that?!
I mean, I want to approach her so she'll
become a customer for my agency.
Really?
Umi
Starting today,
I want to join a yoga class.
-Oh my.
-You can't!
You want to join a yoga class?
You just want to do yoga with those
beautiful widows, don't you?
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Not all widows are beautiful.
There are some who are ugly.
They're still widows, and they can be
a second, third, or fourth wife.
You can't! Mamnu haram alaik.
(It's forbidden.)
Sorry, Mi, wait a second.
What is the relationship between
widows and the yoga class?
Why do you suddenly want to go
to yoga classes then?
Surely because some husbands
in this complex
said there was a yoga class
with beautiful widows.
-Right?
-Yeah, that's right!
That's so slick of Mahmud.
Ya Allah. That's not it!
Umi, you're thinking bad thoughts.
My back hurts.
Aseng said I should join a yoga class
to make it feel better.
No! I said no.
I don't want you to meet those widows.
Meet them how? I will join
the yoga class on television.
On television?
Nab, if it's on TV, are they going
to film those widows as well?
It's okay. It's safe.
It's safe, so you're allowed
to join a yoga class.
Then, could you buy me some yoga clothes?
Why are you demanding things now?
Are you a Sultan? Are you rich?
You need new clothes just to do yoga?
Then what should I wear? A sarong?
I have leggings. Put them on.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
Wear leggings? No!
I'd rather not do yoga at all!
A whole chicken.
Garlic, salt, and soy sauce.
First, take the whole chicken.
Move the body from the left to the right.
Move it slowly, Moms.
Don't be too fast. It can sprain.
It can sprain as well?
Now, reverse.
Go in the opposite direction.
Move the body from the right to the left.
Now,
inhale and then close the eyes.
Close the eyes?
Really?
This chicken is dead.
You're telling me to close its eyes?
It no longer has any eyes.
Whose eyes do you mean?
I have a bad feeling about this.
Keep doing it
until your body feels relaxed.
Inhale again.
After that, pat the meat so it's tender.
Pat the meat? Does she mean the stomach?
Then squeeze so it seeps in.
Squeeze?
Do this for five minutes.
Assalamu alaikum.
Waalaikumsalam.
What are you doing, Aba?
I'm doing yoga.
Prepare boiling water.
-Then, add the meat to the boiling water.
-Add the meat?
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Aba, this is my friend.
Hello, Uncle
-That's your father, Sa?
-Goat testicle spaghetti
Sasa, why didn't you tell us you were
bringing your friend over?
Why are you wearing
pink leggings like that?
It's okay. Don't be shy.
The leggings and the shorts
really go together.
Shorts? These are not shorts,
these are inner pants.
No, outer pants. I mean sweatpants.
It's okay, you can call it anything.
But it's cool.
Mi, we have a guest.
Aba, Umi, let me introduce my friend.
Go ahead, salaam.
Namaste.
-What's your name?
-I'm Kimberly.
It doesn't suit her face.
You're not cut out
to be her father either.
I heard that.
Please, sit down.
Where are you going?
You won't sit with us?
I'm changing into a sarong.
You're not serving any drinks, Auntie?
Are you very thirsty?
I am a bit.
Please be patient.
We don't have servants here.
By the way, Miss What's your name?
-Kimberly. Yes.
-Kimberly?
How long have you known Syakila,
Miss Kimberly?
Who's Syakila?
What?
Oh, you mean Sye?
What? Who's Sye?
Maybe it's Satan.
It's not that, Ba.
That's my nickname in college.
Syakila is a beautiful name,
but they call you Sye.
What's wrong with that?
My friend's name is Ucup
but his nickname is Robert.
Robert is a good name.
I think it's ugly.
Since when have you guys known each other?
I think it was before I got this tattoo.
Isn't that Arabic?
Yes, it's Arabic.
It's not Arabic, Auntie.
It's Korean hangul.
Korean? It's obviously Arabic.
It says, "Ahlan wa Sahlan."
What? Really?
I asked for a Korean hangul tattoo.
It reads, "Annyeonghaseyo."
It means hello.
I think she's been scammed.
She's a fool.
LIE
But that's okay.
The important thing is that the meaning
is still the same. "Hello."
STUPID
Can I have a tattoo?
You can't!
I know. I'm just kidding.
Your salat is invalid
if you have a tattoo.
Yes, Ba.
Don't you salat, Miss Kimberly?
I want to, but I'm a Christian.
Kimberly and I
will go to my room, Aba, Umi.
-Please, go ahead.
-Yes, go ahead.
Do you have anything to drink
in your room?
Yes, I do.
I haven't been served anything,
not even water.
You can take it from the well.
Don't do that.
I'm sure you don't like Syakila's friend.
Of course not.
I'm afraid that if she hangs out
with friends who are too modern,
then our Arab values
and traditions might disappear.
You worry too much.
Spend your time making more money.
Don't worry so much.
This poster is great.
I'm sure many people will join.
Profit!
Seng, please step aside. I want to salat.
Okay. Bismillah.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
Why do you put that poster up there?
What's wrong? Is it a bad design?
It's not that. I perform salat here.
Why did you put it there?
You can salat
while facing the Umrah poster.
Oh my God.
We face the qibla while we salat.
Here, the qibla is west, not over there.
I'll change it later.
Change it now. I want to salat right now.
What would you like to replace it with?
I have USA, Europe, and Asia posters.
Which one do you like?
-Asia.
-Asia?
I have a Thailand poster
with a transgender cabaret on it.
No. What about the USA poster?
I have a good one.
It's a Las Vegas casino poster.
There's a crowd and fireworks on it.
Do you want it?
No. A casino means gambling.
-What about the Europe one?
-Europe?
That's a good choice,
there's nothing much on it.
But I haven't printed it yet.
Do you want to wait for it?
-It'll take about three hours.
-Never mind. Whatever.
I want to salat now. Move it first.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
My salat might be invalid.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Assalamu alaikum
warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
Aseng! Why is this poster still here?
I've moved it from the west.
I don't care! Move this poster.
I was distracted while performing salat.
Oh my God.
I'm fasting.
I can't look at something like this.
All right.
Don't put it there,
I face that way when I salat.
All right.
Seng, your customer is here,
Vanya is at the front.
That's Vanya. Okay.
She recently got divorced.
So what?
There's a lot of divorcees around.
Maybe she's the one for you.
I'll open the door for her.
"The one."
What does he mean?
Why me?
Hello! Astagfirullahaladzim.
-Mahmud.
-Yes?
-Is Aseng here?
-Yeah, he's inside.
-Where is he?
-Please, come in.
Aseng.
-Hi, Vanya.
-Hi, Aseng.
Aseng, do you like?
At home, I have a costume like this one.
-Oh?
-Really!
That's good.
-Yes.
-Wear it sometimes.
-Hey.
-Where is it?
-Aseng.
-Yeah?
Do you have other travel packages?
Yes, I do. Domestic or international?
-International.
-All right, international.
Do you want to ride a camel or a balloon?
Of course I'd like a balloon ride.
There's one. It's a honeymoon package.
A honeymoon package?
But who will I go with?
I'm single now.
Do you want to go with me?
I'm busy, Vanya. I have lots of work.
Wait, there's another one.
You can go on this one.
You will go with a hundred Chinese people.
Do you want to join? It'll be fun.
No, thank you.
Vanya, let's join for Umrah.
I'll give you a big discount.
No thanks, Mahmud.
I don't think it's the time yet.
I want to go on a tour
that Aseng is also going on.
Vanya, I'm busy.
I have lots of work to do.
I have to organize it.
Aseng, have you saved my number yet?
I guess I have it under customer data.
We have it, right, Mud?
We have Vanya's number, right?
-Where is it?
-Look for it by yourselves.
Which folder? There's a lot of them.
Come here, please show me.
-No.
-Why is he like that?
-It should have been saved.
-Yes, it is.
Can I send a message sometime?
Of course.
Still the same number, right?
Yeah.
By the way, what's your full name?
Alexander Xavier Santoso.
You have a beautiful name
but they call you Aseng.
Hey, most Chinese people are like that.
My friend's name is Andi Wijaya,
and his nickname is Awe.
Another friend's name is Listya Magdalena,
but her nickname is Paopao.
Why is that?
It's up to her.
Whether it's Paopao, Caocao, or Meimei,
why are you fussing about it?
And then my uncle's name is Basuki.
His nickname must be Ahok.
Nonsense.
Imagine thinking "Basuki"
would become "Ahok."
-His nickname is Asuk.
-Why is that?
I don't know. We've called him Asuk
since we were young.
Stop it, guys.
It's okay, I like your name, Aseng.
-It's a beautiful name.
-Of course.
All right then.
Please continue your job. I'll go home.
All right. Okay.
-Mahmud.
-Astagfirullahaladzim. Yes?
Mahmud, can I send you a message
if I need to share anything with you?
-Of course.
-Really?
All right. Bye, Aseng.
Bye.
-Bye, Mahmud. Bye.
-Bye.
Vanya, are you sure
you don't want that one?
Yes.
A tour with Chinese people. It'd be fun.
Why'd she reject it? It'd be fun.
-Seng.
-What?
Are you okay?
Of course. What's the matter?
Don't you get it? Vanya likes you.
She can like me, you, or others.
It's not your problem.
He doesn't realize it.
Mud, I've met with
our promotion consultant.
He said we should
promote ourselves on TikTok,
and I've made a TikTok account.
It's up to you.
"It's up to you."
What a bastard.
Your wife is pregnant
but you go on vacation.
You ride a balloon.
Watch out.
You'll be caught.
Assalamu alaikum.
Waalaikumsalam.
Umi.
Hi, Sasa. Why don't you eat first?
I want to do a video for TikTok.
Go ahead, make a good one.
I'll watch it later.
All right.
-He has a wife.
-Assalamu alaikum.
Waalaikumsalam.
I told you before. I did.
-That's right.
-What the hell is this?
-C'mon.
-It's crazy.
Astagfirullahaladzim.
What's wrong with you?
Look, there are a lot
of weird dancing videos.
Why are you watching them anyway?
Aseng said TikTok would be great for
promoting our company.
He asked me to master it.
But the content is like this.
Don't they have anything better to do?
It'd be better if they recited the Koran.
Then they'd be rewarded.
Tell them that then.
Astagfirullahaladzim!
Sasa!
What's happened with Sasa?