Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s01e01 Episode Script

1
( OPENING THEME PLAYING )
MISS PRESCOTT,
I'LL JUST GO THROUGH
THE FINAL PAPERS
IN THE OFFICE.
AS SOON AS THE STAFF
RETURNS FROM THE FUNERAL,
LET ME KNOW.
WILL I SHOW THEM INTO
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S OFFICE?
NO, THIS WILL DO
VERY WELL.
HOW MANY
WILL THERE BE?
AT THE TIME
OF THE CLOSING DOWN SALE,
THERE WERE ONLY
THE LADIES'
AND GENTLEMEN'S READY-TO-WEAR
DEPARTMENTS LEFT.
AH, FAITHFUL SERVANTS.
A SAD DAY,
MISS PRESCOTT.
A SAD DAY,
INDEED, SIR.
THEY'RE HERE,
MISS PRESCOTT.
THEY'RE COMING UP
IN THE PRIVATE LIFT.
( METAL SCRAPING,
CREAKING )
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
THE DRATTED THING
IT'S STUCK.
YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE
MENDED IT PROPERLY BY NOW.
( POUNDING ON DOORS )
MISS BRAHMS:
STICK THE UMBRELLA
IN THE CRACK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( HUMPHRIES GRUNTS )
MR. THORPE,
MR. HUMPHRIES HAS ARRIVED.
( GRUNTING )
OH.
AFTER YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THANK YOU,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I CAN'T GE
ME LEG UP.
MISS BRAHMS:
PULL YOUR SKIRT UP.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WOULD YOU BE
GOOD ENOUGH
TO GET OU
AND LEND ME
A HELPING HAND?
CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
COME ALONG, NOW.
WE'LL GIVE YOU
A BUNK UP FROM BEHIND.
- WON'T WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- I'LL DO MY BEST.
( GRUNTS )
UPS-A-DAISY.
OH, THANK YOU,
STEVEN.
THAT LIFT'S PU
10 YEARS ON ME.
I THINK IT'S PU
10 YEARS ON ALL OF US.
AFTER YOU,
MISS BRAHMS.
THERE'S
YOUNG MR. GRACE.
YES, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
HE'S NO LONGER WITH US.
WHAT A WAY TO GO
SCUBA DIVING
WITH HIS NURSE
IN THE CARIBBEANO.
ACCORDING TO HER,
HIS EQUIPMENT,
ALTHOUGH OLD FASHIONED,
WAS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER.
HE'D STILL BE WITH US
HAD HER BIKINI TOP
NOT POPPED OFF.
OH, BUT IT WAS
A LOVELY FUNERAL.
YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
VERY MOVED
BY THE MELODY
OF "I DID IT MY WAY."
PERSONALLY,
I THINK IT WAS
THE CLOSING OF THE STORE
THAT FINISHED HIM OFF.
YEAH. ANYWAY, THEY MUS
HAVE LEFT US SOMETHING,
'CAUSE OTHERWISE
WE WOULDN'T ALL BE HERE.
I UNDERSTAND THA
IT'S THE PENSION FUND
THEY WANT TO DISCUSS.
AFTER ALL,
WE HAVE BEEN PAYING INTO I
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
GOOD AFTERNOON,
EVERYBODY.
THIS IS MR. THORPE.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WE HAVEN'T MET,
BUT I REPRESEN
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S
SOLICITORS,
THORPE, THORPE & THORPE.
I'M THE JUNIOR PARTNER.
I SHOULD IMAGINE
OLD MR. THORPE
DOESN'T GET ABOU
VERY MUCH THESE DAYS.
IF YOU'D ALL CARE
TO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
ARE WE ALL HERE?
WHERE'S
MR. RUMBOLD?
YES, HE WASN'
AT THE FUNERAL.
HE WAS ENGAGED
IN OTHER BUSINESS
CONCERNING
THE GRACE BROTHERS' ESTATE.
HE SENDS HIS REGRETS.
AND THERE'S STILL
MISS LOVELOCK TO COME.
OH, YES,
SO THERE IS.
MISS LOVELOCK?
YES, SHE WAS
THE PERSONAL COMPANION
TO YOUNG MR. GRACE
AT THE TIME OF
HIS DEMISE.
- WAS SHE THE ONE SCUBA?
- YES.
- AND WAS IT HER TOP?
- THAT IS CORRECT.
MY PAPER HAD
A MISPRINT.
IT SAID HE WAS
"SCRUBBER DIVING."
MISS LOVELOCK.
SORRY, I'M LATE.
I HAD A GHASTLY NIGHT.
STILL GOT A HANGOVER.
WHAT PAPER WAS THAT,
MISS BRAHMS?
"THE SUN."
TRUTH AT LAST.
DO SIT DOWN,
MISS LOVELOCK.
I'LL JUST PERCH
OVER HERE.
STOCKINGS
AND SUSPENDERS.
10 DENIER,
SEAMLESS.
NOW IF I MAY
HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?
WE ARE NOT CONCERNED TODAY
WITH THE BULK OF
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S FORTUNE,
WHICH, AS YOU MAY KNOW,
WAS LEFT TO HIS
FAVORITE CHARITY,
THE HOME
FOR FALLEN WOMEN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
HE MENTIONED FALLEN MEN?
I THINK MR. THORPE
WOULD LIKE TO GET ON
WITH THE BUSINESS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND?
I EXPEC
YOU'RE ALL CONCERNED
AS TO WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE PENSION FUND.
YOUR USE OF
THE PAST TENSE
HAS ALREADY SENT A CHILL
THROUGH MY WHOLE BODY.
THERE'S NO NEED
TO WORRY.
IT'S ALL BEEN
WISELY INVESTED
IN A MULTITUDE
OF ENTERPRISES,
RANGING FROM
THE RANGOON
GAS MANTLE COMPANY
TO FALKLAND
WHALEBONE ENTERPRISES.
SOUNDS A BI
OLD FASHIONED TO ME.
IN ADDITION TO THAT,
QUITE A BIT WAS INVESTED
IN BRICKS AND MORTAR.
AS A PILE,
OR IN A BUILDING?
YOUNG MR. GRACE,
ON BEHALF OF THE FUND,
ACQUIRED A TUDOR
MANOR HOUSE.
GOODY. WE CAN FLOG THA
AND COP THE LOLLY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT CANNOT BE SOLD.
IT IS IN TRUS
TO THE PENSION FUND.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IT IS IN ITSELF
A MONEY MAKING
PROPOSITION.
AND THE BENEFICIARIES
MAY USE IT IN ANY MANNER
IN WHICH THEY SEE FIT.
WHAT WAS THA
ABOUT FISHERIES?
BENEFICIARIES.
YOU ARE
THE BENEFICIARIES,
AS YOU ALL STAYED
AT YOUR POSTS
TILL THE END.
- DOES THAT INCLUDE
MISS LOVELOCK?
- OF COURSE.
I BET SHE STAYED
AT THE BEDPOST TILL THE END.
BUT SURELY THAT WASN'
THE ONLY PROPERTY
THAT YOUNG
MR. GRACE OWNED.
I MEAN, HE HAD
LOTS OF HOUSES.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
SEVERAL TIMES HE PROMISED
TO GIVE ME ONE.
TYPICAL OF THE MAN.
THIS WAS THE ONLY ONE
INCLUDED IN THE PENSION FUND.
IT IS AT THE MOMENT BEING RUN
AS A COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL.
OH, WHEN CAN
WE SEE IT?
SOON AS YOU WISH.
IT'S IN THE VILLAGE
OF GREAT TENDER.
WHERE'S THAT?
IT'S NOT VERY CLOSE
TO LONDON.
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE
TO STAY THE NIGHT?
IT SOUNDS
A GOOD IDEA TO ME.
MISS PRESCOTT,
GET ON TO MILLSTONE MANOR
AND MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.
I THINK YOU ALL KNOW
THE MANAGER,
CUTHBERT RUMBOLD.
OH, GOD.
HUMPHRIES:
THERE IT IS,
MILLSTONE MANOR.
OH, LOOK,
IT'S DETACHED!
YOU DON'T GE
SEMI-DETACHED MANOR HOUSES.
OH, IT LOOKS QUITE NICE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
HAVE YOU GO
CHANGE FOR £5?
I EXPECT SO.
IN THAT CASE,
YOU CAN PAY FOR THE CAB.
( DOORBELL RINGS )
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WOULD YOU HOLD MY PUSSY
WHILE I ALIGHT?
CERTAINLY.
HE'S BEEN VERY QUIET.
THE VET GAVE ME
A TRANQUILIZER FOR HER.
SHE GAVE I
A MOGGYDON.
OH!
AH, HOW NICE
TO SEE YOU ALL!
WELCOME TO
MILLSTONE MANOR.
IN WHICH,
WE UNDERSTAND,
OUR PENSION FUND
IS FIRMLY ENTRENCHED.
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
LOOK,
"BUILT IN 1576."
OH, YES.
I HOPE THE BEDS
ARE AIRED.
OH, WELL
AT LEAST IT'S A BI
WARMER IN HERE.
DID YOU NOTICE THA
FUNNY SMELL OUT THERE?
THAT IS PROBABLY COMING
FROM THE HOME FARM,
WHICH FORMS PAR
OF THE PROPERTY.
OH, BUT I LOVE THE SMELL
OF THE COUNTRYSIDE.
IT BRINGS BACK SO MANY
HAPPY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.
DURING THE WAR,
YOU KNOW,
I WAS EVACUATED
TO A FARM
IN TIVERTON
IN DEVON.
I THOUGHT YOU
DROVE AN AMBULANCE?
THE WAR WENT ON
QUITE A LONG TIME.
I WAS EVACUATED
WITH THE BARLEY ROAD
MIXED INFANTS.
THE SCHOOL BULLY SWAPPED
ALL OUR LABELS ROUND.
UNTIL WELL AFTER D-DAY
I WAS KNOWN
AS "GLADYS WAINWRIGHT."
I STILL GET A FUNNY TURN
EVERY TIME I SEE A GYM SLIP.
SO DOES CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AND HE WAS A DESERT RAT.
DO YOU THINK
WE COULD HAVE
A PORTER
TO TAKE OUR CASES
UP TO OUR ROOMS?
- WE ARE A BIT SHOR
OF STAFF AT THE MOMENT.
- HOW SHORT?
I GATHERED THEM ALL ROUND
THE WAY I USUALLY DO,
TOLD THEM
I WAS IN CHARGE,
EXPLAINED HOW I WANTED
THE PLACE TO BE RUN,
OUTLINED ONE OR TWO
CHANGES I HAD IN MIND
AND CONVEYED TO THEM,
IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS,
THAT IF THEY
DIDN'T TOE THE LINE
THEY COULD LEAVE.
- AND WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY LEFT.
THAT'S NO
ENTIRELY TRUE.
WE STILL HAVE
AN ASSISTANT COOK.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW,
MR. RUMBOLD,
YOU'VE LOST NONE
OF YOUR QUALITIES
OF LEADERSHIP.
HOW'S THE PLACE
GOING TO MAKE
ANY MONEY
IF YOU'VE GOTTEN
RID OF EVERYBODY?
I'VE ADVERTISED
LOCALLY.
I'M SURE WE'LL FILL
THE VACANT POSTS.
EXCUSE ME, MR. RUMBOLD,
MIGHT I HAVE A WORD?
PAY ATTENTION,
EVERYBODY.
THIS IS THE GENTLEMAN
WHO RUNS THE HOME FARM.
A REALLY GOOD,
LOYAL COUNTRY CHAP,
MR. MOULTERD.
M-O-U-L-T-E-R-D,
MOULTERD.
HOW DO GOING ON?
IT'S GOOD TO SEE
SOMEBODY HASN'
LEFT THE STAFF.
OH, NO,
OF COURSE NOT.
MR. MOULTERD HAS
BEEN HERE FOR YEARS!
YEAH, THERE'VE BEEN
MOULTERDS IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR 200 YEARS!
QUITE A TOURIS
ATTRACTION.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW
MR. RUMBOLD,
IS ABOUT THE HENS.
SO WE'VE GOT HENS,
HAVE WE?
OH, YES, YES.
THEY WERE ALL COOPED UP
IN A SMALL HENHOUSE.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
A MUCH BETTER CHANCE
OF SELLING THE EGGS
IF WE COULD ADVERTISE THEM
AS FREE RANGE.
WELL, I DONE EXACTLY
AS YOU SAID,
I OPENED THE DOOR
TO THE HENHOUSE,
LET THEM ALL OU
AND THEY ALL BUGGERED OFF!
PLEASE,
NOT IN FRON
OF THE LADIES.
WHO'S GONNA HELP ME
ROUND THEM UP?
THAT'S WHA
I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M SURE WE'LL FIND
SOME WILLING HANDS.
SHALL WE ALL HELP
MR. MOULTERD
TO RECOVER THE HENS?
AFTER ALL,
THEY'RE OURS.
- WHY NOT?
- COME WITH ME.
IT'S ALL MUDDY.
GOOD CLEAN MUCK
NEVER HURT NOBODY.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
THAT GOAT'S LOOKING
AT ME.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
HE LIKES THE WAY
YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.
WHERE DO
THE HENS LIVE?
THERE'S THE HENHOUSE
OVER THERE.
OH, LOOK
THAT'S DETACHED AN' ALL.
HOW DO WE
PERSUADE THE HENS
TO RETURN TO THEIR
LIVING QUARTERS?
WE'LL FORM
A SEMICIRCLE
AND SHOO THEM.
GO ON, SHOO, SHOO.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK KNOWS
ALL THE TECHNICAL TERMS.
COME ON.
ALL:
SHOO! SHOO!
I'M TALKING TO YOU.
QUICK, THIS WAY.
SHOO! SHOO!
YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THEM.
MY MOTHER WILL
NEVER BELIEVE THIS
ME, IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE COUNTRY,
CHASING BIRDS.
THERE'S ANOTHER
BIG HEN OVER THERE.
PEACOCK:
THAT IS A COCKEREL,
MISS BRAHMS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S BIGGER AND MORE
BRIGHTLY COLORED
AND ITS COMB
STANDS UP.
OH, FANCY.
IT'S ALL GOING ON
IN NATURE, ISN'T IT?
NOW, LISTEN
IF WE WERE TO CATCH
THE COCKEREL,
AND PUT I
IN THE HENHOUSE,
WOULD THAT NO
ATTRACT THE HENS?
NO.
HE'D BEEN ROUND THEM
ALREADY ONCE TODAY.
SORRY I ASKED.
LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER
COCKEREL OVER THERE!
OH, THAT'S GEORGE.
HE'S NOT INTERESTED
IN THEM.
THEY AIN'T INTERESTED
IN HIM.
HUMPHRIES:
HE SHOULDN'
STAND LIKE THAT.
OH, DRAT,
I'VE LOST MY SHOE
IN THE MUD.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
( GRUNTS )
PUT YOUR ARM ROUND ME
AND HOLD YOUR LEG UP.
I CAN'T GET DOWN
NO FURTHER.
COULD YOU GET UP
ANY HIGHER?
I MOST CERTAINLY
CANNOT.
I KNOW.
HOLD IT UP
BACKWARDS.
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND
AND STEADY ME?
CERTAINLY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THAT'S BETTER.
THIS IS HOW WE
SHOE THE MARE.
I GRABS THE HOOF,
SHOVES I
BETWEEN MY LEGS,
AND SHE CAN'T MOVE.
VERY EFFECTIVE,
I'M SURE.
THEN I GETS
MY HAMMER OUT,
GIVES HER A FEW
GOOD BANGS
AND I CAN
GALLOP HER ANYWHERE.
BRACE YOURSELF,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S A REAL SON
OF THE SOIL, ISN'T HE?
HE'S GIVING ME
HAY FEVER.
( COWS MOOING )
WHAT ON EARTH
WAS THAT?
THAT'S OLD BETSY.
MUST BE SOMETHING
THE MATTER WITH HER.
WE'D BETTER GO UP
AND SEE.
AS YOU SEE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WE'RE COMPLETELY
SELF-SUFFICIENT HERE,
- WE HAVE OUR OWN COWS.
- REALLY?
HOW BIG
IS THE HERD?
- TWO.
- AH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MY OL' DARLING?
( MOOS )
SHE WANTS MILKING.
OH, HE SPEAKS
THE LANGUAGE.
WHAT ARE THESE
HAIR CURLERS FOR?
YOU SHOVE THEM
ON THE TEATS
AND YOU PRESS THIS SWITCH
AND IT MILKS THEM.
MIND YOU, OLD BETSY HERE
DON'T LIKE IT.
SHE LIKES I
DONE BY HAND.
YOU DO GET A BETTER RESUL
WITH THE PERSONAL TOUCH.
SHE NEEDS MILKING NOW.
SORRY, BETSY,
I CAN'T GET DOWN THAT FAR.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAI
TILL MAVIS GETS BACK
FROM THE VILLAGE.
AND WHO IS MAVIS?
MR. MOULTERD'S
DAUGHTER.
SHE HELPS ON THE FARM
AND ABOUT THE HOUSE.
WHERE IS
THAT DRATTED GIRL?
- ( MOOING )
- MRS. SLOCOMBE: I CAN'
STAND THIS ANY LONGER.
MISS BRAHMS, HOLD MY HA
AND PASS ME THAT STOOL.
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
BUCKET.
( SQUIRTING )
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD DO
THAT SORT OF A THING.
IT'S A KNACK,
YOU KNOW.
I WAS EVACUATED
DURING THE WAR.
WAIT A MINUTE,
I KNOW YOU!
WE WAS ON A FARM
TOGETHER IN TIVERTON.
THAT'S RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU WAS EVACUATED
WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE CHILD.
"LITTLE CHILD"?
SHE WAS A GREAT,
BIG WALLOPING LAND GIRL.
I WAS A LAND GIRL
LATER ON.
YOU'RE RACHEL YIDDLE!
I WAS A YOUNG
RAT CATCHER.
HO, HO, HO
MANY'S THE TIME
WE ROLLED AROUND
IN THE HAY LOF
WHEN I WAS
LAYING THE BAIT.
YOU'RE QUITE
MISTAKEN, MAURICE
WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.
( COW PASSES GAS;
PLOPPING SOUND )
IT'S GONE VERY ORGANIC
AT THIS END.
MISS BRAHMS,
HOW CHARMING
YOU LOOK.
OH, THANK YOU.
I ALWAYS THINK
IF YOU DRESS NICE
YOU CAN HOBNOB
WITH ANYBODY.
WHERE ARE THE OTHER
HOTEL GUESTS?
FORTUNATELY, WE DON'
EXPECT ANY UNTIL THE WEEKEND,
WHICH GIVES US
A CHANCE TO SORT OU
THE STAFF PROBLEM.
HAS ANYONE REPLIED
TO YOUR ADVERT?
I HAVEN'T CHECKED.
- MISS LOVELOCK?
- YES?
YOU'VE MET MISS LOVELOCK,
OF COURSE?
WHEN DID SHE GET HERE?
SHE CAME DOWN
LATE LAST NIGH
ASTRIDE HER
POWERFUL KAWASAKI.
WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT,
MAY I ASK?
IT'S A VERY LARGE,
TERRIFICALLY FAST MOTORBIKE.
INDEED?
YOUNG MR. GRACE USED TO LOVE
PUTTING ON HIS CRASH HELME
AND CLIMBING UP BEHIND ME.
WHAT A GALLAN
OLD GENTLEMAN HE WAS.
I'M SURE MISS LOVELOCK
HAS MANY A TALE TO TELL.
I THINK WE'RE ONLY
SCRATCHING THE SURFACE.
IS SHE GONNA
BE HERE LONG?
YOUNG MR. GRACE LEFT ME
THE HORSES IN HIS WILL.
THEY'RE ALL STABLED HERE.
I LIVE ABOVE.
MR. GRACE CONVERTED
THE GROOM'S QUARTERS
FOR ME.
BY THE WAY,
MISS LOVELOCK,
HAS ANYONE APPLIED
FOR A POSITION
ON THE STAFF?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU CHECK
THE ANSWERING MACHINE?
SHE'S A BIT BOLSHIE,
ISN'T SHE?
WELL, WE HAVEN'T QUITE
CLARIFIED HER POSITION.
NO? I BET MR. GRACE
CLARIFIED IT ALL RIGHT.
( SQUEAKING )
( METALLIC BANGING )
( METAL SCRAPING )
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
DAMN, IT'S STUCK.
SOMEBODY GET ME
OUT OF HERE!
PRESS THE EMERGENCY BUTTON!
I HAVE DONE,
YOU DAFT
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
( GRUNTING )
HOW AM I GOING
TO GET DOWN FROM HERE?
TAKE MY HAND,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH, PUT IT AWAY.
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MR. RUMBOLD, AVER
YOUR EYES, PLEASE.
MISS BRAHMS,
WOULD YOU GIVE ME
SOME ASSISTANCE?
PULL YOUR SKIRT UP
AND SLIDE OU
ON YOUR BUM.
OH.
OH, HOW IGNOMINIOUS.
ALL CLEAR.
I JUST LOVE
THOSE BIG OLD BATHS.
I HAD SO MUCH WATER
WHEN I PULLED
THE PLUG OU
I GOT CAUGHT UP
IN THE VORTEX.
I HAD TO FIGH
FOR MY LIFE.
I'M DYING
FOR A DRINK.
THERE IS A BAR.
I'M AFRAID THE BARMAN'S LEF
WITH THE REST OF THE STAFF,
BUT HELP YOURSELVES.
ALLOW ME.
WHAT WILL IT BE,
MISS BRAHMS?
OH
I'LL HAVE A GIN
AND TONIC, PLEASE.
AND I'LL HAVE
THE SAME,
BUT NO
TOO MUCH TONIC.
I'LL HAVE
A GIN AND "IT."
WHAT IS "IT?"
DO YOU KNOW,
I NEVER FOUND OUT.
- COULD YOU MAKE
A PIÑA COLADA?
- I COULD TRY.
ARE YOU UP
TO A "HARVEY WALLBANGER"?
I THINK THAT'S MORE
IN MR. HUMPHRIES'
LINE OF COUNTRY.
YOU'VE ALL ME
MISS LOVELOCK?
- OH, YES.
- YES.
SHE'S GO
THE GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
A GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
ALL HERE BECAUSE
THERE ARE THINGS
I WANT TO DISCUSS
WITH YOU.
ARE YOU FREE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I SHALL BE,
IN A COUPLE OF SHAKES.
PERHAPS YOU'D ALL
LIKE TO SIT DOWN?
WE'RE NOT IN THE STORE NOW,
ARE WE?
THIS IS ALL
QUITE INFORMAL.
ARE YOU FREE,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'M FREE.
THESE CUSHIONS
HAVEN'T BEEN PUFFED UP
FOR MANY A YEAR.
I HAVE A FAX
FROM MR. THORPE
WITH THE FINAL FIGURE
ON THE INCOME
FROM THE PENSION FUND
INVESTMENTS.
OH, I SAY,
ISN'T THAT EXCITING?
THANK YOU, STEVEN.
YOU KNOW
WITH ALL THOSE
COMPANIES,
IT SHOULD AMOUNT TO
QUITE A FEW THOUSAND.
YES, THE FINAL FIGURE
IS 2-4-3.
OH £243,000.
THAT'S ABOU
40 THOU EACH!
NO, £243
FOR EACH OF US.
- PER WEEK?
- PER MONTH.
DOES THAT INCLUDE
MISS LOVELOCK?
OF COURSE.
WHAT'S SHE DONE
TO DESERVE IT?
I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD GO
INTO THAT.
THE WHOLE THING
IS A DISGRACE.
IT'S ABOUT £60
A WEEK EACH.
AND AFTER ALL THEM YEARS
OF HAVING IT SUB UH
"SUBSTRACTED"
FROM OUR WAGES.
MISS BRAHMS,
WE HAVE BEEN DIDDLED,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS
IN THAT.
I WAS GOING TO BUY MY MOTHER
A NEW WASHING MACHINE.
NOW SHE'LL HAVE TO SETTLE
FOR A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES
AND A PACKET OF PERSIL.
I SUGGEST WE
TALK IT OVER,
OVER DINNER.
THAT IS IF WE'RE
GOING TO GE
ANY DINNER.
YES, YES, I'VE
ARRANGED FOR THAT.
ARE YOU FREE TO
BANG THE GONG,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
CERTAINLY,
MR. RUMBOLD.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO START SLOWLY
AND BUILD UP
TO A CRESCENDO,
OR WOULD YOU PREFER
A J. ARTHUR RANK TYPE?
PROVIDED THEY CAN
HEAR YOU IN THE KITCHEN,
I DON'T MIND
WHAT YOU DO.
( TAPS FOOT )
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
GIVE IT TO ME
I'M STARVING!
WHERE IS THE KITCHEN?
THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE DINING ROOM.
RIGHT.
( BANGING )
THAT SHOULD DO IT.
FIRE! FIRE!
FIRE! FIRE!
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE
WAS ONLY BANGING
THE GONG FOR DINNER.
YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH THAT!
THAT'S THE FIRE ALARM!
THEN WHY EXACTLY HAVE WE GO
A LARGE RED BELL
OVER THE RECEPTION DESK
MARKED "FIRE"?
WELL, THAT DON'T WORK.
THAT'S ELECTRIC.
IT WAS A SHORT CIRCUI
IN THA
WHAT CAUSED
THE LAST FIRE.
MOVE OU
OF THE WAY, DAD.
I'VE GO
THEIR DINNER.
WHEN YOU'VE
FED THEM,
DON'T FORGE
THE GOAT.
THIS IS
MAVIS MOULTERD,
OUR WILLING PAIR
OF HANDS.
OH, THEY'RE A BI
MUCKY AT THE MOMENT.
I'VE JUST BEEN UNBUNGING
THE DRAIN IN THE COWSHED.
WHAT ARE ALL
THESE LITTLE BOXES?
I'VE JUST HEATED THEM UP
IN THE "MICROBE-WAVE."
"TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI
CHICKEN AND CHIPS."
DO YOU MEAN I'VE GO
DRESSED UP LIKE THIS
FOR TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI?
ARE YOU NOT PARTAKING,
MISS LOVELOCK?
CERTAINLY NOT,
DARLING.
I HAVE SOME CAVIAR
AND SMOKED SALMON
IN MY FRIDGE.
THAT'LL BE £1.35 EACH.
TAKE IT OUT OF
THE TILL.
WE HAVEN'T PUT ANYTHING
IN THE TILL.
I'LL HAVE TO HAVE
THE MONEY.
I BORROWED IT FROM DAD,
AND IF I GO HOME WITHOUT I
HE'LL GIVE ME THE STRAP.
I SEE
WILL HE GIVE YOU THE STRAP
ON THE HAND OR ON THE
THAT'LL DO,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I THINK IN
THE CIRCUMSTANCES
PERHAPS WE'D
BETTER DIVVY UP.
HAVE YOU GO
CHANGE FOR A £5 NOTE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I THINK SO.
GOOD. YOU CAN
PAY FOR MINE.
NOW LISTEN,
EVERYBODY
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
THIS IS OUR PLACE
AND £60 A WEEK
WILL GO NOWHERE IN LONDON,
BUT IT WOULDN'T BE TOO BAD
IF WE LIVED HERE RENT-FREE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE COULD HAVE FREE
MILK AND FREE EGGS.
WE COULD GROW
OUR OWN VEGETABLES.
AND ON TOP OF THAT,
ANY PROFIT WE CAN MAKE
OUT OF THIS HOTEL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I VOTE WE SLEEP ON IT.
A FAT CHANCE OF THA
AFTER EATING THIS.
SORRY TO BARGE IN
WHILE YOU'VE GO
YOUR SNOUTS
IN THE TROUGH.
THERE'S BEEN A BI
OF COMMOTION AT THE FRONT.
- ( CAT SCREECHING )
- IT SOUNDS LIKE TIDDLES.
SHE MUST HAVE CLIMBED OU
OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW
AND DOWN THE IVY.
DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY
SHOULD GO TO HER ASSISTANCE?
THIS SORT OF THING
IS QUITE NORMAL.
ANIMALS ALWAYS TAKE
A DAY OR TWO TO GET USED
TO EACH OTHER.
WILL SOMEBODY COME
AND HELP ME, PLEASE?
THAT NAUGHTY GOA
HAS GOT HOLD OF MY PUSSY
AND WON'T LET GO!
THERE YOU ARE, TIDDLES.
THERE'S YOUR LITTLE
HOT WATER BOTTLE.
MUMMY'S GO
A BIG ONE.
NOW YOU TRY
TO DROP OFF,
AND FORGET ALL ABOU
THAT NAUGHTY OLD G-O-A-T.
I'D JUST LOOK UNDER
THE BED TO SEE
IF THERE'S A MAN THERE.
OH WELL,
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
WHO'S THERE?
IT'S ME, CUTHBERT.
CAN I COME IN?
MR. RUMBOLD,
I'M IN MY NIGHT ATTIRE.
SO AM I.
WHAT I HAVE IN MIND
WON'T TAKE A MOMENT.
THAT DOES NARROW DOWN
THE POSSIBILITIES.
YOU MAY COME IN.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
THIS IS
THE HOUSEKEEPER'S ROOM.
YES, IT'S QUITE COZY,
BUT WHY CAN'T WE HAVE
THE PROPER HOTEL ROOMS?
WHEN OUR GUESTS COME
WE'LL NEED THE SHEETS,
AND WE DON'
HAVE ANY MORE UNTIL WE PAY
THE LAUNDRY BILL.
I'VE GOT A WE
MATTRESS.
HAS I
JUST HAPPENED?
I THINK THERE'S A LEAKY
PIPE IN THE ROOF,
BECAUSE IT'S COME DOWN
THE ELECTRIC LIGH
AND ALL OVER MY BED.
PERHAPS MRS. SLOCOMBE
WOULDN'T MIND SHARING
UNTIL WE CAN
GET IT FIXED?
OH, WOULD YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, I'M USUALLY
UNACCOMPANIED
IN THE BEDROOM,
HOWEVER SEEING AS HOW
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER
FOR A LONG TIME
AND IT IS AN EMERGENCY,
I WILL CONCEDE.
THANKS. I'VE GO
MY OWN BOTTLE.
I'LL SEE YOU
IN THE MORNING.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT,
MR. RUMBOLD.
TO BE TRUTHFUL,
I'M QUITE GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.
I THINK WE'RE
SAFER TOGETHER
WITH HIM
PROWLING AROUND.
YES, HE DOES HAVE
A RATHER
UNFULFILLED LOOK
ABOUT HIM, DOESN'T HE?
WELL, HE'S NOT GOING TO GE
TOPPED UP BY ME.
- ( CREAKING )
- WOMEN: OH!
I'M SORRY TO STARTLE YOU.
I WAS JUST INVESTIGATING
WHERE THIS DOOR LED.
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
I'M NEXT DOOR
IN THE HEADWAITER'S ROOM.
THERE'S NO LOCK,
SO WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO KNOCK WHEN YOU COME IN?
AS I USUALLY DO
MY JANE FONDA EXERCISE
ROUTINE BEFORE RETIRING.
WE DIDN'T HAVE I
IN MIND TO DISTURB YOU.
YEAH, YOU BETTER
BUNG UP THE KEYHOLE
IN CASE WE GET TEMPTED.
GOOD NIGHT.
( AEROBIC MUSIC PLAYING;
PEACOCK GRUNTING )
HELLO, OPERATOR.
I'M HAVING A BIT OF
DIFFICULTY WITH MY MOTHER.
NO, I DON'T WAN
THE CHILD HELPLINE.
NO.
NO, IT'S THE PHONE,
YOU SEE.
I DIALED I
AND IT ISN'T WORKING.
NO, NOT MY MOTHER
ISN'T WORKING,
IT'S THE TELEPHONE.
OH, WOULD YOU, YES
THE NUMBER IS
722-1708.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU'LL CALL ME BACK?
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
MY, IT'S NIPPY OUT THERE.
IT'S NOT BAD IN HERE
THOUGH, IS IT?
DEPENDS HOW
YOU LOOK AT IT.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
I'VE GOT TO KEEP
MY SOCKS ON, THOUGH.
I'M VERY GLAD
TO HEAR IT.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE
THE NEW CHEF?
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, NEVER MIND THEN.
SHOVE OVER.
OH, NICE PAJAMAS.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S BEEN A LO
OF EXCITEMEN
ABOUT HERE TODAY,
HASN'T THERE?
YES, THERE'S A LO
MORE TO COME,
BY THE LOOK OF IT.
EXCUSE ME,
DO YOU THINK I COULD
ASK YOU A QUESTION?
DOES YOUR FATHER
KNOW YOU'RE HERE?
NO, HE DON'T CARE
WHERE I AM,
LONG AS I'M
OUT OF THE WAY.
IF HE KNEW
YOU WERE HERE,
HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU
THE STRAP, WOULD HE?
NOT AS A RULE.
HE WOULDN'
GIVE ME THE STRAP?
LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TALK ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU?
I'M NOT EVEN
GOING TO MOVE.
TURN THE LIGHT OUT,
IT'S ON YOUR SIDE.
( PHONE RINGS )
HELLO?
OH, HELLO, MOTHER,
YES, IT'S ME.
NO, NO, I'M FINE.
IT'S WORKED OU
QUITE WELL.
NOT QUITE HOW
YOU'D EXPECT.
NO, NO, I'M ALL RIGHT,
I'M TUCKED IN THE CHEF'S BED.
NO, HE'S GONE.
NO, MOTHER,
FOR GOODNESS SAKE,
CALM DOWN,
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
IN FACT, YOU MAY NEVER
HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOU
EVER AGAIN.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYS )