Arrested Development s01e01 Episode Script

This is Michael Bluth.
For 10 years, he's worked for his father's company waiting to be made a partner.
And right now, he's happy.
- This is Michael's mother.
- Look what they've done, Michael.
She isn't happy.
Look what the homosexuals have done to me.
You can't just comb that out and reset it? Currently, she's upset that her husband's retirement party is being upstaged by a group of gay protesters.
We're here! We're queer! We want to get married on the ocean! Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant.
It just makes me want to set myself on fire.
Good grief, Mother.
Not all homosexuals are flamboy Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.
This is Michael's twin sister, Lindsay.
I like it better on him.
As a youthful act of defiance, Lindsay married this man.
They moved to Boston, where they've become celebrated for their wine and cheese fund-raisers.
Oh, no.
I'm completely stuffed.
Michael and his sister haven't spoken in a year.
Neither has acknowledged this.
And this is Gob, Michael's oldest brother.
So, this is the magic trick, huh? Illusion, Michael.
A trick is something a whore does for money.
Or candy.
Gob recently started the Alliance of Magicians an organization that blackballs any performer who reveals a magician's secret.
And finally there's Buster - Hey, Buster.
- the youngest of Michael's siblings.
You know, you don't need to do that, buddy.
It's okay.
Thanks to the family's largesse, Buster has studied everything from Native American tribal ceremonies to cartography, the mapping of uncharted territories.
Hasn't everything already sort of been discovered, though by, like, Magellan and Cortés? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- All those folks.
Those guys did a pretty good job but there's still, you know He also suffers from crippling panic attacks.
Yes, this is his family.
So why is Michael so happy? Because he's decided to never speak to these people again.
Michael was feeling more generous about his family on the morning of the boat party.
What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing? - Breakfast.
- Family.
Family.
Right.
I thought you meant of the things you eat.
This is Michael's son, George Michael.
I mean, we have made nothing but sacrifices for this family and tonight it all pays off, my boy.
Tonight your granddad makes me partner.
To prove his dedication to the family business Michael has decided to live here in the model unit ofhis father's latest housing tract.
The guys live in the attic so that the house can still function as a pristine selling tool.
And when I do get that promotion I'll finally be able to get you what you deserve.
Like a real home.
This is a real home.
No, it's not.
It's a fake home, son.
You want the loops or the flakes today? The guys then headed down to Balboa Island so George Michael could work at the frozen banana stand his grandfather started in 1953.
Bananas.
Michael, meanwhile, was meeting his brother Gob hoping to discuss his father's boat party.
Do you have your check for your share of the party? You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.
- Oh, that's perfect, Gob.
- Thank you.
I just remembered something.
Dad's retiring, not turning six.
Hey, come on! I just bought this new illusion called the Aztec Tomb.
- It cost like 18 grand! I'm gonna do it on the boat.
- I don't care.
What do you care? Can't you just charge the party to the company? - It's not a business expense.
- So what? Lindsay's been staying at the Four Seasons for a month.
She's probably charging the company.
Lindsay's been in town for a month? I don't think so.
Michael was upset to hear this so he went to discuss it with his mother.
Mom! Mother! Give me your company checkbook.
You're cut off.
Michael, look.
Look what happened to my fox.
Someone cut off his little foot.
Is it Is it noticeable? You've gotta remember you're gonna be all splattered in red paint.
That's gonna distract the eye.
I don't want you charging any more of your personal expenses to the company.
Well, I had to pay for the Aztec Tomb.
Gob says it's a career maker.
Wait a minute.
The company paid for the Aztec Tomb? That's great.
Well, I was talking about Lindsay, okay? You put her in a five-star hotel, on top of which you didn't tell me she was in town.
If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong.
I love all my children equally.
I don't care for Gob.
Good grief.
I dipped into the kitty a couple of times.
You should be focused on tonight.
Dad's making a big announcement.
Yeah? I knew it.
It's about me, isn't it? I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again.
Michael! Tobias.
How are you? Good, good.
How's your job search comin'? - It's good.
It's going to be good.
- Yeah? Great.
I'm hoping the universe provides a path for me.
Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering C.
P.
R.
to a person who, as it turned out was not having a heart attack.
Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight, start a career as a pirate.
I haven't packed for that.
- Couldn't find a thing.
- Lindsay! - Michael! - How was your flight? - Great.
Great.
We just got in.
- He knows.
A month ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been meaning to call you.
- I really have.
- Really? - It's just been very busy.
- Ugh! It's been crazy.
We just had an amazing fund-raiser for HOOP.
- HOOP? - My anti-circumcision movement.
I think it looks frightening when it's cut off.
It's a Doberman.
Let it have its ears.
- Hmm.
- Believe it or not we brought in over $40,000.
Unbelievable.
Sounds like you saved enough skin to make 10 new boys.
Well, most of that money was from the Bluth Company.
I mean, how are you? Still good.
You know what? You guys have had your hands in the company coffer for years.
But starting tomorrow, there is going to be a new boss in town and you're all gonna have to start fending for yourselves.
You're all gonna finally feel that sweet sting of sweat in your eyes.
As Buster! You can't do that on the balcony, buddy? Mom says it's too windy.
Who could've done this? While Michael was getting fed up with his family George Michael was finally getting to know them.
Um, yeah.
I bought a frozen banana and when I bit into it, I found this.
- Looks like a foot.
- It tasted like a foot.
Which I didn't really mind, but I'm pretty sure I said no nuts.
Hey, you're my cousin, aren't you? Maybe.
This is George Michael's cousin, Maeby.
- I can't believe you didn't recognize me.
- We never see you.
We never see anybody in our family.
I know.
It's our parents' faults.
We should teach them a lesson.
Yeah.
No.
I don't think so.
I should go to my mom tonight and be like, "I met the cutest guy.
" And then she'll see you and me totally making out.
But But not really, right? It's perfect.
She'd freak out and I'd be like, "If we saw each other more often, this wouldn't happen.
" - But we're cousins.
- That's what makes it funny.
- But isn't it against the law? - Come on, George Michael.
Tobias, now believing the boat party to be pirate-themed - You look like a pirate! - began searching through his wife's luggage for an outfit.
I should say so! Look at the blouse, sir! Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates Tobias boarded a van full ofhomosexuals.
Soon he was unwittingly part of a protest against the local yacht club.
How are you? Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.
I like it better on him.
And Michael's big moment finally came.
I give you the new C.
E.
O.
for the Bluth Company.
Certainly the smartest Bluth.
My favorite Bluth.
And the, uh, sexiest creature I have ever laid eyes on.
My lovely wife, Lucille.
Mom! Mom, congratulations! Sorry.
It's not the right time.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Michael.
This is great news for HOOP.
Hey.
- You okay? - You and I, we've waited long enough.
It's time to move on.
All right? I guess we're gonna see you guys even less now.
I told you.
We should've taught them a lesson.
Lindsay, I want you in this picture.
Come on.
All right.
Let's see some smiles, people.
It's a It's a party, not a shareholders' meeting.
Are those police boats? No, I'm serious.
I think they are police boats.
Prepare to be boarded.
Prepare to be boarded.
- I knew it was against the law.
- That's the Securities and Exchange Commission.
- They have boats? - Give me a cell phone.
Lindsay, Buster, up to the bridge! Come on, Buster! - Almighty good grief.
- Delores, listen to me.
- Out of my way! - Empty the account.
- Out of my way! - Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Out of my way! Out! Out! Out! Lindsay, take the wheel! Buster, find us a channel to the ocean! Gee, I don't have any mapping equipment with me.
You've had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons.
Get us a channel to the ocean! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- Can you hear me now? - Obviously this blue part here is the land.
That would mean Oh, Buster, Buster.
You'll be all right.
Shredder.
No.
Save it.
Save it.
Shredder.
Please don't leave us now, Buster! Please! - Get in the tomb.
The Aztec Tomb.
- Save it.
Shred it.
Hold on.
I don't have time for your magic tricks.
Illusions, Dad! You don't have time for my illusions! What is wrong with you? Why are you so angry? Look.
Just stay in the box.
I'll make you disappear.
The Bluth family dominated the news that night.
Bluth Development Company president George Bluth was arrested tonight for defrauding investors and using the company as his personal piggy bank.
More intrigue on the high seas tonight as dozens of local pirates were arrested for protesting the yacht club's discriminatory policies.
Even Michael's brother Gob made the news.
It was Mr.
Bluth's son Gob, a part-time magician who hid his father here in the Aztec Tomb.
By pushing on this pivoting panel I have to think the Alliance is gonna frown on this.
Perhaps a good trick for a human but the dogs found him almost instantly.
Free at last, darlings.
- I'm all right.
- Thank God.
Oh, what an adventure.
Oh, my goodness! Buster! Don't do that.
What an adventure, gang.
I thought that the homosexuals were pirates but it turns out that most of them were actors in the local theater.
You're right though.
It is amazing.
I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me, and and I think it has.
- You're gay? - No.
No.
I'm not I'm not gay.
No.
Lindsay, how many times must we have this No.
I want to be an actor.
Okay, guys.
Um, they are gonna keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out.
Also, the attorney said they're gonna have to put a halt on the company's expense account.
Interesting.
I would have expected that after the "keeping Dad in jail.
" You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
- And I'm putting Buster in charge.
- That's a good choice.
Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land? - He's had business classes.
- Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait.
Eighteenth-century agrarian business.
But I guess it's all the same principles.
Are you at all concerned about an uprising? That's it.
I'm done.
I'm sick and tired of the greed and the selfishness and the taking.
Forget it.
I've got a son to think about.
And, Lindsay, by the way, I expected this from them because they're completely oblivious.
But you you should know better.
In the days that followed, Lindsay had no choice but to check her family out of the hotel earlier than planned.
And her husband started looking for work.
My name is Dr.
Tobias Fünke.
I was Chief Resident of Psychiatry at Mass General for two years and I did my fellowship in psycholinguistics at M.
I.
T.
And this is "I'm a Bad, Bad Man" from Annie Get Your Gun.
Lucille was finding it difficult to go about her daily life.
The S.
E.
C.
is making him out to be some kind of mastermind, which believe me he's not.
The man can barely work our shredder.
Michael was able to secure a job with a rival housing company almost immediately.
We'll set you up in Arizona in one of our finest estates.
Attic or main house? And Buster was discovering his academic pursuits didn't fully prepare him for his new responsibilities.
Have you looked at the latest figures on the Sudden Valley expansion vis-à-vis the development versus the tax - You guys are so smart.
- Two percent per annum.
This is a non-recoupable We need Michael.
- We need ice.
- Michael.
We need Michael.
And so the family staged an intervention.
I'm sorry.
What exactly is this intervention for? We need you to come back and run the business.
Okay.
So technically it's not really an intervention.
It's more of an imposition.
- Whatever you want to call it.
- I'd love to call it an imposition.
We're in trouble here, Michael.
And I can't perform my magic.
I'm getting blackballed from even the smaller venues.
I'll be honest.
I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
Give 'em a hell of a show, champ.
off, traitor.
Can you believe this? They're still fighting.
Yeah, I know.
I'm tempted to kiss again so we could teach 'em a lesson.
Why would that teach them a lesson? No, I mean, uh, to freak them out.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Isn't that what makes it funny? I'm laughing.
Go fish Uno Okay.
- I just need a drink.
- Well, I'm sorry.
It's just too late.
I'm moving to Phoenix.
I got a job.
Something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh Never mind.
I don't want to ruin the surprise.
So, no hard feelings.
Adios.
Sayonara.
I'll see you when the first parent dies.
Well, I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
- Touché.
- George Michael, grab the coat.
I think Dad would really want you to help us out here.
- Dad's in jail.
Here we go.
- Well, the least you could do is say good-bye to him.
In fact, Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest and he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
- I quit.
- Probably a good career move.
You know, I parked in the same spot for the last five years.
I was there on time every single day.
- Mike - I was so loyal.
I worked so hard.
- Why didn't you just put me in charge? - Michael, listen to me.
These guys, the S.
E.
C.
, they've been after me for years.
I put you in charge, you're gonna be wearing one of these jumpsuits too.
- I could've helped - You'd be an accomplice.
No.
It had to be your mom.
They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad.
Really? I got the worst attorneys.
With Michael leaving town Lindsay decided to take inventory of the family's last remaining asset: their model home.
- What are you doing? - Packing up.
What are you doing? Well, just looking for you.
- To say good-bye to you.
- Gonna miss you guys.
Oh, well.
We'll come out and see you in Yeah.
We'll miss you too.
It's been nice having you guys around you know, to talk to.
Well, since Mom died, it's been kind of lonely and I just wish we could all stay here.
- l I need a hand with the van, please.
- Okay.
Sorry.
Well, l-I guess he really misses his family.
- Well, he doesn't know us very well.
- Yeah, clearly.
Let me ask you a question.
Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you call me? Look at my life, Michael.
Tobias is out of work.
We're in debt.
It's What are you doing? Are you trying to cry? I'm sad.
Life is hard right now.
I've got theJ.
D.
L.
on my ass.
- J.
D.
L.
? - Jewish Defense League.
Oh, the circumcision thing? This is why I was against HOOP.
- Why didn't you just mind your own business? - This is why I didn't call you! - You're so judgmental.
- No, I'm not judgmental.
- And you're disappointed in me.
- I'm not disappointed in you.
- You are.
- So I'm disappointed in you.
But come on.
What is not disappointing about my life? Dad didn't give me the promotion.
Dad's in jail.
How disappointing is that? - We're a disappointing family.
- We're an incredibly disappointing family.
But we are a family, and I want my son to be happy.
So maybe we should be in each other's lives.
- I'd like that.
- Yeah? - Seriously, you're gonna pull a muscle.
- I used to be able to do this.
So Michael decided to stay in California and try to save the family business.
And for the first time ever, he gathered his family together in the model home.
- Dad was always banker, so there was no beating him.
- Totally.
He should've been stocking up on those "get out of jail free" cards.
- Good one, George Michael! - Very good.
- Two hundred for Short Line.
- I wish you guys didn't have to go so soon.
Oh, on that subject, these guys are actually gonna be staying with us.
For a while.
Just your aunt and her husband.
Not Gob.
- Really? - Yeah.
What the hell, huh? Family first.
It is gonna be a little crowded, so you're gonna have to share a room with your cousin.
On the next Arrested Development George Michael gets a new roommate.
It was really your brother we were interested in.
I mean, you don't even have any references.
Is that enough of a reference for you? And Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of jail.
You love it here? Oh, I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone.