Asylum (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Strange Bedfellows
1 CROWD: Free Dan Hern! Free Dan Hern! ~ CROWD: Free Dan Hern! Free Dan Hern! ~ Get your Dan Hern water, £4.
Sun cream is mind control, it's got chemicals in to control us.
We love you, Dan! We love you, Dan! We love you, Dan! We love you, Dan! The Daniel Hern saga has taken another twist today, as the GCHQ analyst who's accused of leaking the so-called Langley Files has taken refuge inside this embassy in a desperate bid to avoid extradition.
But police say when he leaves, he will be arrested, but they can't enter the embassy's territories.
Guys, guys, if we could all just try to use our inside voices Oi, you! One thing seems certain at the moment - however and whenever this standoff ends, it's likely to be dramatic.
Back to you.
This is it.
It all comes down to this.
The whole world watches Daniel Hern.
He's done it! Yes! And the crowd go wild Yeah! Yeah! HE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN "Daniel, you're the first man ever "to win the World Paper Throwing Championship "the same year as nearly winning the Nobel Prize, how does it feel?" "Well, obviously, I've got to stay humble, "but, er, yeah, you know, I've had a great tournament" Your lawyer is here.
Thanks, yeah.
So, how are things? Ah, I'm going mad in here.
Every day's the same.
You know the film Groundhog Day? I've seen it 11 times.
It's the only DVD they've got in here.
Well, have I got good news for you! The Americans have offered a new plea deal.
It's the best yet! I can avoid the death penalty? Let's start with the pros.
If I accept this, will I stay alive? Well no.
But apart from that, it's great! They'll let you choose the method and everything! You want to be one of those firing squad weirdos? You can! ~ I think you should take this one.
~ I'm not taking it.
No expense spared on the last meal.
Oooh - lobster, Daniel! If you don't take this deal, I will! So nothing on my freedom, no progress on the fair trial, but the catering for my execution's sorted.
You've been told how to get off.
But no.
~ You were too good for that.
~ I'm not faking Asperger's! Asperger's is shit-hot right now.
It worked for Gary McKinnon, Daniel.
Gary McKinnon has Asperger's.
Key difference.
We'll get around that.
I'll drop some toothpicks, you say a number really quickly, they probably won't check.
Do you even know what Asperger's is? The Benjamin Button thing, right? Oh, fine.
My Guardian interview is on Friday.
When people find out how a hero like me is being persecuted, there'll be outrage.
You know, they'll have to give me what I want.
~ And what was that again? ~ A fair trial! ~ Oh, yes.
~ In a neutral country! Of my choosing! Broadcast to the world! Is that so much to ask? I'll send you some toothpicks.
That is a shame.
Please, the bond between our nations remains unbreakable, and our friendship will continue to bloom.
Goodbye, Mr Ambassador.
Goodbye.
That's a no from Cuba.
We didn't need him anyway.
No, we did need him.
That bastard, we really needed him! OK.
We just spread things around a little.
Move Uzbekistan to table four.
Uzbekistan are "washing their hair".
But if Uzbekistan don't come, then Tajikistan won't! OK.
Move the Italian ambassador to table four, where he'll be next to Three empty tables.
Also, he's not coming either.
~ Who is coming? ~ Tonga.
~ Tonga? ~ Just Tonga.
Tonga.
Everybody came last year! I just ordered a chocolate fountain for 200! Look, last year, Dan Hern was hot shit.
People came to see him.
Now he's room temperature shit, which is just shit.
So you're saying I need to bring in a new international fugitive, just to attract people to the ball? Obviously not.
That's the worst idea of all time.
Convenient! Dad'll never agree to it.
You let me deal with Dad.
"If Dan Hern loves freedom so much, why is he trapped in an embassy? "It seems hypocritical IMHO.
" "Don't worry, when you reach the age of eight, "you should find yourself capable of logical reasoning.
" Boxes! ~ What? ~ Boxes! You can't put those here! I live here, it's my personal space! The sign says "storage room".
As in box room.
So, boxes! Actually, it doesn't say that! I changed it! Yeah, see? And, er, yeah, and someone changed it back again.
This has always been the box room.
We put all the crap we can't get rid of in here.
Boxes.
Asbestos.
Whistle-blowers who are boring now.
I risked my life for your freedoms! I changed the world! The president's approval rating collapsed by 3% for a bit, until he got that new dog.
Have you even read my manifesto? Because I'm pretty sure I printed you a copy Either you take the boxes or you leave and get arrested and go to America and get tortured and killed.
After careful consideration, I have decided I will take these boxes.
Just this once, yes, in the name, in the name of Asbestos? ~ Hey, Rosa! Small world.
~ Too small.
Thought any more about coffee? Can't be every day you're asked out by a Time Man of the Year.
No.
You've been asking every day for a year, and for the last time, no.
Also, wasn't Hitler once Time Man of the Year? Well, it's about being important, isn't it, not good.
I was good, though.
And you weren't Time Man of the Year.
"Trees" won it that year.
Doesn't count.
That was a gimmick.
I was the highest-placed actual man.
Well, OK, I'm persuaded.
Let's go out! Meet me outside at nine.
I know a great restaurant, lover boy.
~ But I I can't leave the embassy.
~ Really? I was looking forward to going out with the internationally-wanted criminal who lives in my workplace with my father and my brother.
That wouldn't be complicated at all.
Is that a firm no? MAN CHATTERS ON RADIO IN SPANISH Hey, Daddy! Thursdays always Thursdays Won't bother you.
I just need a million pounds to book Rihanna for the embassy ball.
Either that or I give political asylum to some hacker.
A million pounds? Dios mio, that's out of the question, son.
OK, I won't spend a million pounds booking Rihanna.
That's good, that's good! CHATTER FROM RADIO CONTINUES FROM BOX ROOM: Schnell, schnell! Lad nach.
Schiessen, schiessen, schiessen, toten, toten, toten, toten.
Weiter, weiter, weiter, lad nach, ohh, schnell, schnell! Lad nach, lad nach.
Toten, toten, toten, toten! Schiessen, schiessen, schiessen! Toten, toten, toten, toten.
Lad nach.
Stirb, stirb, stirb, schnell, schnell! Lad nach.
Hey! Roomie! What? Oh, ja.
I'm Ludo! Ludo Backslash! Ludo as in Cludo.
Backslash as in forward slash, but in reverse.
Can you believe they gave us the same room? Like a sleepover! Every day, a new adventure! Excuse me, one minute.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being rude.
Would you like to play too? ~ Why are you here? ~ Oh, I started that website.
Ludopia? It was an internet paradise, sharing films, music, anything! I started putting up some adverts, you know, just to cover the essentials.
Then I started charging, just so the people could upload slightly faster.
But then somebody blabbed.
And the Government want you for that, or? No, Daniel, not the Government.
Somebody far more powerful.
What are we talking? CIA? FBI? HBO.
And the Motion Picture Association of America.
They control the governments.
Who knew? ~ Why are you here? ~ I know! It's great, isn't it? It's like this.
Imagine you're a child and your parents don't want you to get lonely, so they have another kid and you have to share a room.
The only difference here is that Mommy and Daddy had another kid because you're boring now and they can do better.
It's no big deal.
You know, for a diplomat, you're not very diplomatic.
~ Well, if you don't like it, you know where you can go.
~ Nowhere? Yes! Do you know why I let you stay? Because I leaked the CIA torture manual, and you're really committed to human rights.
That's what I told my dad.
Look, I didn't come to work in an embassy to do whatever it is they do here.
I came to make a name for myself.
And the quickest way of doing that is by pissing off the Americans.
Why do you think Ecuador took in Assange? Don't mention that hack So everyone goes to the Ecuadorean Ball! It's just a room, Dan.
Everyone's got problems.
Mo's family got kidnapped, you don't hear him complaining.
You haven't heard anything, have you? Not now, Mo.
Put "Ludo" somewhere else! Look.
We've got a space-saving solution that's going to make everyone happy.
Bunk beds? Take top bunk, you'll barely notice.
Oh! I want the top bunk! Ludo gets the top bunk.
Er, seriously I should, er, I should probably have the top bunk.
But I've already climbed all the way to the top.
It's just that if I'm down there, then I might not sleep, and, hey, yeah, I can't do my important work.
I don't want to overstate it, but if I don't have the top bunk .
.
the entire world will suffer.
Dan? Psst.
Dan.
Dan! Ludo, I've got a very important newspaper interview in the morning and I need to get some sleep.
~ Do you believe in ghosts? ~ No.
Well, my Aunt Inga, she said she once saw a ghost, just standing there in the kitchen.
Cooking an egg.
How are you explaining something like this? I explain it by it never happening.
You mean my Aunt Inga just lied? Yes! Yes, she lied.
Oh, my God.
Why would she lie like this? Go to sleep, Ludo.
~ Dan? ~ What? ~ What do you think happens to you when you die? Nothing.
Nothing.
Everything just goes black and silent, for ever.
That sounds depressing.
No, it doesn't, it sounds great.
~ Dan? ~ What?! Good night, Dan.
Now, I'm not a lawyer, but if we're not taking the Asperger's road, you have to blow this journo's socks off.
Wait, wait.
"I'm not a lawyer"? But you are a lawyer.
You're my lawyer.
I thought it was just a saying? You know, just something people said.
~ Yeah, if they're not lawyers.
~ Oh! I should stop saying that.
Our readers will be so excited to hear from Daniel Hern himself.
~ Is it all right if we record this? ~ Er, that's You don't have to answer that.
I'm his lawyer.
I'm making sure he says nothing incriminating.
What would he say that's incriminating? Well, lots of things.
For example, he could say Nothing.
Because he's not a criminal.
Ooh, you nearly got me! So, Dan, who's your favourite member of One Direction? That's not really about my work, is it? It's just some light questions before we move to the heavy stuff.
My editor's big on celebrity angles.
This just says "Zayn".
Say Zayn, he's the best one.
Can we move on? Yeah.
Beyonce tweeted a call for your release a year ago.
She's had a new haircut.
Yay or nay? Again, is this really the sort of question the Guardian should be asking? I mean, look, I'm not asking for much, all I want is a fair trial.
Oh, don't, don't mind me.
Ludo Backslash! What, you live in here? Yeah.
Ben! I just got a Snapchat from Katy Perry.
She wants to go nightclubbing.
Isn't that nice? ~ You know Katy Perry? ~ Ja! Well, she did a birthday party of mine a couple of years ago.
We ended up driving into my swimming pool in go-karts.
It was so much fun! Ja, jame and Russell Brand were taking it in turns to banging her, over and over again! She was screaming! Ja, dodgems is so much fun.
Would you like to see my picture with Banksy? ~ Oh, yes.
~ Can we get back to politics? Fine.
The Americans have called you both a danger to the free world, and traitors to democracy, and so on Oh.
We don't listen to the Americans! So you can't hear what they're saying when they say you're a threat? That's, that's right, we hear nothing.
So you're deaf to these accusations? I No.
Sorry.
My interview.
Mine.
Not yours.
How dare they say that.
Yes, my leaks caused some riots.
Yes, a consulate in Yemen did get burned down.
But isn't that a small price to pay for freedom? So when they call me a traitor, yes, I am deaf to America, because as George Orwell said where are you going? Oh, we're out of time.
Got to dash.
Fabulous talking to you, Ludo.
You didn't hear what George Orwell said! Yeah, I've got everything I need.
Thanks! ~ What did George Orwell say? ~ He said shut up! That was fun! Fun? I was supposed to talk about being a hero! A really fucking impressive fucking humble fucking hero! I got to say none of that! Ha, that's newspapers for you, Dan.
You know they'll never understand people like us.
We are not the same! I risked my freedom, I risked my life to leak evidence of CIA torture in the hope of changing the world for the better! ~ Just like me! ~ No! What did you ever leak? Transformers 3, Transformers 4, Iron Man trilogy, Cowboys Vs Aliens I put it all online for free! That's films! Filmsdon't matter! You know who you remind me of, Dan? Another certain someone, hiding from the government, desperate to go home, getting paler and paler, wrapped in a blanket Yeah, yeah, Julian Assange.
ET! He was trapped in a tiny little room too.
But you know what saved him, Dan? Friendship.
Friendship, and a flying BMX with a basket.
No, no, no.
We are not friends, OK? And I am not ET.
And if I am, you've just ruined my last chance of beaming up! That's Star Trek! I don't care! Great news! The Americans think Ludo is far more important than you, and that you're a footnote in history! ~ Oh, hurrah(!) ~ They're offering a final, final deal.
They'll lock you up for just ten years, in return for a teensy-weensy, humiliating, grovelling apology.
Apology? What for? Oh, just for wasting the CIA's time and costing the government millions with your .
.
your"cowardly baby-tantrum".
Not my words, the US Attorney-General's.
Listen, I'm not apologising, right, I'm a hero! OK, you could stay here.
It's not like things could get any worse.
That's the spirit! There we go, I'll just pop that there for you.
Have a little read.
Everyone came! Cuba, Iraq, Colombia, Syria Where are the British, where are the Americans? The countries that we want to trade with! Well, you can either have a boring ball where everyone's talking about trade, or you can have a cool one.
The North Koreans came! Hi! Party time! No, Ludo.
I may never leave here now.
All I have left is the respect of these people.
So don't talk to me.
Don't come near me.
I don't want you embarrassing me in front of them.
Senoras y Senores, ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour! Ludo Backslash! CROWD: Ludo! Ludo! Ludo! It can be tough, but if someone asked me, "Dan, would you do it again?", I'd say could you excuse me? ~ Oh, Ludo, you're so funny.
~ Ludo? Sorry.
~ Yeah, nice try.
~ I was just talking to her! I know all about your European pick-up techniques.
Listening to her, making a connection You think she'll go out with someone living where she works? You're embarrassing yourself.
And me.
I think someone likes her.
Stop changing the subject.
Yeah? And also, talking of looking like an idiot, you could have made an effort, yeah? You look ridiculous.
~ Maybe you should chill out a little? Yeah? ~ Yeah? Maybe you should stop dressing like you're at Glastonbury rock music festival.
It's an embassy ball, yeah? Raise your game.
.
.
But we will never have stability as long as we remain haunted by the ghosts of the old regime That reminds me of a New Yorker article My Aunt Inga saw a ghost once.
Sorry.
These are metaphorical ghosts These weren't.
She said it smashed a gravy boat.
Yeah, I understand, she means metaphorical it doesn't matter, does it, talk about it later.
Anyway, the thrust of the article I love your T-shirt, it calls for the release of the freedom fighter, Hugsarial Haruke from Guantanamo.
Yes? It says Free Hugs! Yes, we MUST free Hugs.
Come, tell me about this Aunt Inga of yours.
Oh, come on! Look at them all.
Hanging on his every word, like he's some sort of genius.
See, look! This panda here, he is sneezing! And what do you call this? Youtube.
com.
You are really bringing the mood down.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable over there.
Come on, shift up.
How do you do? Daniel Hern.
I'm what they call a "freedom fighter".
Are you the one who got Daddy's consulate in Yemen burned down? ~ Well, actually ~ My daddy says the CIA should have had you killed by now.
He says they could make it look like a suicide.
Well, I don't have to listen to this.
I was Time Man of the Year.
~ I thought trees won it? ~ Oh, to hell with this! ~ Coats! ~ How can an embassy not have a coat room? Oh, it does.
Coats! Hell! Attention, everyone.
Attention! I just wanted to say the Americans have offered me a deal, not a good one, but still better than this, so I'm gone.
I'd just like to thank you all for nothing.
Rafael? Rafael, you're herpes in a suit.
Where's Mo? Mo, you're like a human paper cut.
Um, all of you, in fact, you have all made me miserable, and I'm lucky to never see you again.
Er, Rosa? Rosa, um, yeah, just to clarify, I didn't mean you there and if there's any chance of anything happening between us ~ No.
~ Because I think there are feelings there ~ Bad feelings.
~ You know, I'll get my lawyer to send you my address, ~ you can post me a letter ~ I won't.
OK.
Yep.
Great speech! Dan! Wait, you, you, you can't leave! Sorry, Ludo.
Sometimes a man just has to face the music.
But you're the best friend I have in here! And you're my hero! You're Dan Hern, you leaked the Langley Files! I can't stay here for ever! This place is like a prison to me.
I know I'm leaving it for actual prison, but, you know free food, proper showers, a gym, maybe buff up a bit, get a few tats.
Here she is.
Change of plan! I've had, like, ten voicemails off the Americans.
They were like, "Pick up! Pick up!" Like they've never fallen asleep in the bath! Anyway, you've gone viral.
RECORDING OF DAN: 'Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
' "Death to America"? God, that does look bad.
You may as well have shat on an eagle.
And that's gone worldwide, anyway, so, oops! That's completely out of context.
I said "deaf to America", with an F, like I can't hear! Deaf to America! The other one, there's a "th" sound.
Dea-th to America! Dea-th.
Deatthhh! I want to know why I didn't know about this, Dan.
You were in the room! ~ Deaf to America? ~ Deaf to America? ~ Death to America! ~ Death to America? Dea-th-f? Anyway, the gist was, they're really miffed, the deal's off and if you so much as stick a toe through the doors, they will make arresting and executing that toe their number one national priority.
But maybe I'm being hasty, you know.
Maybe our friendship is more important than, you know any of that other stuff I mentioned! Hooray! Hooray! Oh, yes! You son of a bitch! RECORDING CONTINUES: 'Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
'Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
Deaf to America' You son of a bitch! Come here! The Americans hate it when people say death to them! We're back on the map again! Friends of El Rico, I'd like to present to you a freedom fighter, data warrior, scourge of the American government, Daniel Hern! My best friend! MACHINE-GUN SOUND EFFECTS FROM TV Ludo? Yes? Um, as a hacker are you able to get past the internet filter on .
.
certain websites, sort of gentlemen's Please? HE TYPES RAPIDLY Oh, my God! Thank you.
Thank you! ~ OK.
~ Please leave.
~ But I thought maybe we could ~ Get out.
Sun cream is mind control, it's got chemicals in to control us.
We love you, Dan! We love you, Dan! We love you, Dan! We love you, Dan! The Daniel Hern saga has taken another twist today, as the GCHQ analyst who's accused of leaking the so-called Langley Files has taken refuge inside this embassy in a desperate bid to avoid extradition.
But police say when he leaves, he will be arrested, but they can't enter the embassy's territories.
Guys, guys, if we could all just try to use our inside voices Oi, you! One thing seems certain at the moment - however and whenever this standoff ends, it's likely to be dramatic.
Back to you.
This is it.
It all comes down to this.
The whole world watches Daniel Hern.
He's done it! Yes! And the crowd go wild Yeah! Yeah! HE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN "Daniel, you're the first man ever "to win the World Paper Throwing Championship "the same year as nearly winning the Nobel Prize, how does it feel?" "Well, obviously, I've got to stay humble, "but, er, yeah, you know, I've had a great tournament" Your lawyer is here.
Thanks, yeah.
So, how are things? Ah, I'm going mad in here.
Every day's the same.
You know the film Groundhog Day? I've seen it 11 times.
It's the only DVD they've got in here.
Well, have I got good news for you! The Americans have offered a new plea deal.
It's the best yet! I can avoid the death penalty? Let's start with the pros.
If I accept this, will I stay alive? Well no.
But apart from that, it's great! They'll let you choose the method and everything! You want to be one of those firing squad weirdos? You can! ~ I think you should take this one.
~ I'm not taking it.
No expense spared on the last meal.
Oooh - lobster, Daniel! If you don't take this deal, I will! So nothing on my freedom, no progress on the fair trial, but the catering for my execution's sorted.
You've been told how to get off.
But no.
~ You were too good for that.
~ I'm not faking Asperger's! Asperger's is shit-hot right now.
It worked for Gary McKinnon, Daniel.
Gary McKinnon has Asperger's.
Key difference.
We'll get around that.
I'll drop some toothpicks, you say a number really quickly, they probably won't check.
Do you even know what Asperger's is? The Benjamin Button thing, right? Oh, fine.
My Guardian interview is on Friday.
When people find out how a hero like me is being persecuted, there'll be outrage.
You know, they'll have to give me what I want.
~ And what was that again? ~ A fair trial! ~ Oh, yes.
~ In a neutral country! Of my choosing! Broadcast to the world! Is that so much to ask? I'll send you some toothpicks.
That is a shame.
Please, the bond between our nations remains unbreakable, and our friendship will continue to bloom.
Goodbye, Mr Ambassador.
Goodbye.
That's a no from Cuba.
We didn't need him anyway.
No, we did need him.
That bastard, we really needed him! OK.
We just spread things around a little.
Move Uzbekistan to table four.
Uzbekistan are "washing their hair".
But if Uzbekistan don't come, then Tajikistan won't! OK.
Move the Italian ambassador to table four, where he'll be next to Three empty tables.
Also, he's not coming either.
~ Who is coming? ~ Tonga.
~ Tonga? ~ Just Tonga.
Tonga.
Everybody came last year! I just ordered a chocolate fountain for 200! Look, last year, Dan Hern was hot shit.
People came to see him.
Now he's room temperature shit, which is just shit.
So you're saying I need to bring in a new international fugitive, just to attract people to the ball? Obviously not.
That's the worst idea of all time.
Convenient! Dad'll never agree to it.
You let me deal with Dad.
"If Dan Hern loves freedom so much, why is he trapped in an embassy? "It seems hypocritical IMHO.
" "Don't worry, when you reach the age of eight, "you should find yourself capable of logical reasoning.
" Boxes! ~ What? ~ Boxes! You can't put those here! I live here, it's my personal space! The sign says "storage room".
As in box room.
So, boxes! Actually, it doesn't say that! I changed it! Yeah, see? And, er, yeah, and someone changed it back again.
This has always been the box room.
We put all the crap we can't get rid of in here.
Boxes.
Asbestos.
Whistle-blowers who are boring now.
I risked my life for your freedoms! I changed the world! The president's approval rating collapsed by 3% for a bit, until he got that new dog.
Have you even read my manifesto? Because I'm pretty sure I printed you a copy Either you take the boxes or you leave and get arrested and go to America and get tortured and killed.
After careful consideration, I have decided I will take these boxes.
Just this once, yes, in the name, in the name of Asbestos? ~ Hey, Rosa! Small world.
~ Too small.
Thought any more about coffee? Can't be every day you're asked out by a Time Man of the Year.
No.
You've been asking every day for a year, and for the last time, no.
Also, wasn't Hitler once Time Man of the Year? Well, it's about being important, isn't it, not good.
I was good, though.
And you weren't Time Man of the Year.
"Trees" won it that year.
Doesn't count.
That was a gimmick.
I was the highest-placed actual man.
Well, OK, I'm persuaded.
Let's go out! Meet me outside at nine.
I know a great restaurant, lover boy.
~ But I I can't leave the embassy.
~ Really? I was looking forward to going out with the internationally-wanted criminal who lives in my workplace with my father and my brother.
That wouldn't be complicated at all.
Is that a firm no? MAN CHATTERS ON RADIO IN SPANISH Hey, Daddy! Thursdays always Thursdays Won't bother you.
I just need a million pounds to book Rihanna for the embassy ball.
Either that or I give political asylum to some hacker.
A million pounds? Dios mio, that's out of the question, son.
OK, I won't spend a million pounds booking Rihanna.
That's good, that's good! CHATTER FROM RADIO CONTINUES FROM BOX ROOM: Schnell, schnell! Lad nach.
Schiessen, schiessen, schiessen, toten, toten, toten, toten.
Weiter, weiter, weiter, lad nach, ohh, schnell, schnell! Lad nach, lad nach.
Toten, toten, toten, toten! Schiessen, schiessen, schiessen! Toten, toten, toten, toten.
Lad nach.
Stirb, stirb, stirb, schnell, schnell! Lad nach.
Hey! Roomie! What? Oh, ja.
I'm Ludo! Ludo Backslash! Ludo as in Cludo.
Backslash as in forward slash, but in reverse.
Can you believe they gave us the same room? Like a sleepover! Every day, a new adventure! Excuse me, one minute.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being rude.
Would you like to play too? ~ Why are you here? ~ Oh, I started that website.
Ludopia? It was an internet paradise, sharing films, music, anything! I started putting up some adverts, you know, just to cover the essentials.
Then I started charging, just so the people could upload slightly faster.
But then somebody blabbed.
And the Government want you for that, or? No, Daniel, not the Government.
Somebody far more powerful.
What are we talking? CIA? FBI? HBO.
And the Motion Picture Association of America.
They control the governments.
Who knew? ~ Why are you here? ~ I know! It's great, isn't it? It's like this.
Imagine you're a child and your parents don't want you to get lonely, so they have another kid and you have to share a room.
The only difference here is that Mommy and Daddy had another kid because you're boring now and they can do better.
It's no big deal.
You know, for a diplomat, you're not very diplomatic.
~ Well, if you don't like it, you know where you can go.
~ Nowhere? Yes! Do you know why I let you stay? Because I leaked the CIA torture manual, and you're really committed to human rights.
That's what I told my dad.
Look, I didn't come to work in an embassy to do whatever it is they do here.
I came to make a name for myself.
And the quickest way of doing that is by pissing off the Americans.
Why do you think Ecuador took in Assange? Don't mention that hack So everyone goes to the Ecuadorean Ball! It's just a room, Dan.
Everyone's got problems.
Mo's family got kidnapped, you don't hear him complaining.
You haven't heard anything, have you? Not now, Mo.
Put "Ludo" somewhere else! Look.
We've got a space-saving solution that's going to make everyone happy.
Bunk beds? Take top bunk, you'll barely notice.
Oh! I want the top bunk! Ludo gets the top bunk.
Er, seriously I should, er, I should probably have the top bunk.
But I've already climbed all the way to the top.
It's just that if I'm down there, then I might not sleep, and, hey, yeah, I can't do my important work.
I don't want to overstate it, but if I don't have the top bunk .
.
the entire world will suffer.
Dan? Psst.
Dan.
Dan! Ludo, I've got a very important newspaper interview in the morning and I need to get some sleep.
~ Do you believe in ghosts? ~ No.
Well, my Aunt Inga, she said she once saw a ghost, just standing there in the kitchen.
Cooking an egg.
How are you explaining something like this? I explain it by it never happening.
You mean my Aunt Inga just lied? Yes! Yes, she lied.
Oh, my God.
Why would she lie like this? Go to sleep, Ludo.
~ Dan? ~ What? ~ What do you think happens to you when you die? Nothing.
Nothing.
Everything just goes black and silent, for ever.
That sounds depressing.
No, it doesn't, it sounds great.
~ Dan? ~ What?! Good night, Dan.
Now, I'm not a lawyer, but if we're not taking the Asperger's road, you have to blow this journo's socks off.
Wait, wait.
"I'm not a lawyer"? But you are a lawyer.
You're my lawyer.
I thought it was just a saying? You know, just something people said.
~ Yeah, if they're not lawyers.
~ Oh! I should stop saying that.
Our readers will be so excited to hear from Daniel Hern himself.
~ Is it all right if we record this? ~ Er, that's You don't have to answer that.
I'm his lawyer.
I'm making sure he says nothing incriminating.
What would he say that's incriminating? Well, lots of things.
For example, he could say Nothing.
Because he's not a criminal.
Ooh, you nearly got me! So, Dan, who's your favourite member of One Direction? That's not really about my work, is it? It's just some light questions before we move to the heavy stuff.
My editor's big on celebrity angles.
This just says "Zayn".
Say Zayn, he's the best one.
Can we move on? Yeah.
Beyonce tweeted a call for your release a year ago.
She's had a new haircut.
Yay or nay? Again, is this really the sort of question the Guardian should be asking? I mean, look, I'm not asking for much, all I want is a fair trial.
Oh, don't, don't mind me.
Ludo Backslash! What, you live in here? Yeah.
Ben! I just got a Snapchat from Katy Perry.
She wants to go nightclubbing.
Isn't that nice? ~ You know Katy Perry? ~ Ja! Well, she did a birthday party of mine a couple of years ago.
We ended up driving into my swimming pool in go-karts.
It was so much fun! Ja, jame and Russell Brand were taking it in turns to banging her, over and over again! She was screaming! Ja, dodgems is so much fun.
Would you like to see my picture with Banksy? ~ Oh, yes.
~ Can we get back to politics? Fine.
The Americans have called you both a danger to the free world, and traitors to democracy, and so on Oh.
We don't listen to the Americans! So you can't hear what they're saying when they say you're a threat? That's, that's right, we hear nothing.
So you're deaf to these accusations? I No.
Sorry.
My interview.
Mine.
Not yours.
How dare they say that.
Yes, my leaks caused some riots.
Yes, a consulate in Yemen did get burned down.
But isn't that a small price to pay for freedom? So when they call me a traitor, yes, I am deaf to America, because as George Orwell said where are you going? Oh, we're out of time.
Got to dash.
Fabulous talking to you, Ludo.
You didn't hear what George Orwell said! Yeah, I've got everything I need.
Thanks! ~ What did George Orwell say? ~ He said shut up! That was fun! Fun? I was supposed to talk about being a hero! A really fucking impressive fucking humble fucking hero! I got to say none of that! Ha, that's newspapers for you, Dan.
You know they'll never understand people like us.
We are not the same! I risked my freedom, I risked my life to leak evidence of CIA torture in the hope of changing the world for the better! ~ Just like me! ~ No! What did you ever leak? Transformers 3, Transformers 4, Iron Man trilogy, Cowboys Vs Aliens I put it all online for free! That's films! Filmsdon't matter! You know who you remind me of, Dan? Another certain someone, hiding from the government, desperate to go home, getting paler and paler, wrapped in a blanket Yeah, yeah, Julian Assange.
ET! He was trapped in a tiny little room too.
But you know what saved him, Dan? Friendship.
Friendship, and a flying BMX with a basket.
No, no, no.
We are not friends, OK? And I am not ET.
And if I am, you've just ruined my last chance of beaming up! That's Star Trek! I don't care! Great news! The Americans think Ludo is far more important than you, and that you're a footnote in history! ~ Oh, hurrah(!) ~ They're offering a final, final deal.
They'll lock you up for just ten years, in return for a teensy-weensy, humiliating, grovelling apology.
Apology? What for? Oh, just for wasting the CIA's time and costing the government millions with your .
.
your"cowardly baby-tantrum".
Not my words, the US Attorney-General's.
Listen, I'm not apologising, right, I'm a hero! OK, you could stay here.
It's not like things could get any worse.
That's the spirit! There we go, I'll just pop that there for you.
Have a little read.
Everyone came! Cuba, Iraq, Colombia, Syria Where are the British, where are the Americans? The countries that we want to trade with! Well, you can either have a boring ball where everyone's talking about trade, or you can have a cool one.
The North Koreans came! Hi! Party time! No, Ludo.
I may never leave here now.
All I have left is the respect of these people.
So don't talk to me.
Don't come near me.
I don't want you embarrassing me in front of them.
Senoras y Senores, ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour! Ludo Backslash! CROWD: Ludo! Ludo! Ludo! It can be tough, but if someone asked me, "Dan, would you do it again?", I'd say could you excuse me? ~ Oh, Ludo, you're so funny.
~ Ludo? Sorry.
~ Yeah, nice try.
~ I was just talking to her! I know all about your European pick-up techniques.
Listening to her, making a connection You think she'll go out with someone living where she works? You're embarrassing yourself.
And me.
I think someone likes her.
Stop changing the subject.
Yeah? And also, talking of looking like an idiot, you could have made an effort, yeah? You look ridiculous.
~ Maybe you should chill out a little? Yeah? ~ Yeah? Maybe you should stop dressing like you're at Glastonbury rock music festival.
It's an embassy ball, yeah? Raise your game.
.
.
But we will never have stability as long as we remain haunted by the ghosts of the old regime That reminds me of a New Yorker article My Aunt Inga saw a ghost once.
Sorry.
These are metaphorical ghosts These weren't.
She said it smashed a gravy boat.
Yeah, I understand, she means metaphorical it doesn't matter, does it, talk about it later.
Anyway, the thrust of the article I love your T-shirt, it calls for the release of the freedom fighter, Hugsarial Haruke from Guantanamo.
Yes? It says Free Hugs! Yes, we MUST free Hugs.
Come, tell me about this Aunt Inga of yours.
Oh, come on! Look at them all.
Hanging on his every word, like he's some sort of genius.
See, look! This panda here, he is sneezing! And what do you call this? Youtube.
com.
You are really bringing the mood down.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable over there.
Come on, shift up.
How do you do? Daniel Hern.
I'm what they call a "freedom fighter".
Are you the one who got Daddy's consulate in Yemen burned down? ~ Well, actually ~ My daddy says the CIA should have had you killed by now.
He says they could make it look like a suicide.
Well, I don't have to listen to this.
I was Time Man of the Year.
~ I thought trees won it? ~ Oh, to hell with this! ~ Coats! ~ How can an embassy not have a coat room? Oh, it does.
Coats! Hell! Attention, everyone.
Attention! I just wanted to say the Americans have offered me a deal, not a good one, but still better than this, so I'm gone.
I'd just like to thank you all for nothing.
Rafael? Rafael, you're herpes in a suit.
Where's Mo? Mo, you're like a human paper cut.
Um, all of you, in fact, you have all made me miserable, and I'm lucky to never see you again.
Er, Rosa? Rosa, um, yeah, just to clarify, I didn't mean you there and if there's any chance of anything happening between us ~ No.
~ Because I think there are feelings there ~ Bad feelings.
~ You know, I'll get my lawyer to send you my address, ~ you can post me a letter ~ I won't.
OK.
Yep.
Great speech! Dan! Wait, you, you, you can't leave! Sorry, Ludo.
Sometimes a man just has to face the music.
But you're the best friend I have in here! And you're my hero! You're Dan Hern, you leaked the Langley Files! I can't stay here for ever! This place is like a prison to me.
I know I'm leaving it for actual prison, but, you know free food, proper showers, a gym, maybe buff up a bit, get a few tats.
Here she is.
Change of plan! I've had, like, ten voicemails off the Americans.
They were like, "Pick up! Pick up!" Like they've never fallen asleep in the bath! Anyway, you've gone viral.
RECORDING OF DAN: 'Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
' "Death to America"? God, that does look bad.
You may as well have shat on an eagle.
And that's gone worldwide, anyway, so, oops! That's completely out of context.
I said "deaf to America", with an F, like I can't hear! Deaf to America! The other one, there's a "th" sound.
Dea-th to America! Dea-th.
Deatthhh! I want to know why I didn't know about this, Dan.
You were in the room! ~ Deaf to America? ~ Deaf to America? ~ Death to America! ~ Death to America? Dea-th-f? Anyway, the gist was, they're really miffed, the deal's off and if you so much as stick a toe through the doors, they will make arresting and executing that toe their number one national priority.
But maybe I'm being hasty, you know.
Maybe our friendship is more important than, you know any of that other stuff I mentioned! Hooray! Hooray! Oh, yes! You son of a bitch! RECORDING CONTINUES: 'Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
'Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
Deaf to America.
Deaf to America' You son of a bitch! Come here! The Americans hate it when people say death to them! We're back on the map again! Friends of El Rico, I'd like to present to you a freedom fighter, data warrior, scourge of the American government, Daniel Hern! My best friend! MACHINE-GUN SOUND EFFECTS FROM TV Ludo? Yes? Um, as a hacker are you able to get past the internet filter on .
.
certain websites, sort of gentlemen's Please? HE TYPES RAPIDLY Oh, my God! Thank you.
Thank you! ~ OK.
~ Please leave.
~ But I thought maybe we could ~ Get out.