Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (CHORUS SINGING) Where am I? (GOD) Hi, Nora, you're dead.
- What? - (GOD) Yeah.
Who is that? Who's that? Laverne Cox? Who's that? (GOD) No, I get that a lot.
It's God.
You're in heaven.
I'm in heaven.
That's tight! I mean, it's cool that I'm in heaven.
I'm just, um I'm just really gonna miss my my grandma and my dad.
(GOD) That's sweet.
Did you visit them often? I lived with them.
(GOD) You lived with them? Honey, you're almost 30.
So what? I'm Are you judging me right now? Like what ? We all have our own circumstances.
(GOD) So like were you injured or in between jobs? What was the deal there? I was getting my PhD.
I was on sabbatical.
(GOD) Girl, I'm God.
I know when you're lying.
If you know I'm lying, then why why even ask? You know what I mean? (GOD) It's obviously a test, Nora.
Hmm, guess what else is a test.
You being a bitch.
(GOD) Excuse me? Did you just call God a bitch? - Yo.
- I'm pretty sure you did.
- No, I didn't.
- I got playback, watch.
- (TAPE REWINDING) - Stop, stop, stop.
Guess what else is a test.
You being a bitch.
(GOD) Okay, that's it.
I'm done here.
No, no, give me one more.
(GOD, ECHOING) No - (GRANDMA) Nora? - What? - Nora? - Grandma? - Nora! - (SCREAMING) - Nora! - Jesus! Time to get up.
Come downstairs.
- I just made some jook.
- Jook.
Oh! Look at your room.
It's such a mess.
No, it's not.
It's not that bad.
It's like a possum lives here.
- No, they don't.
- And there's a Fruit Roll-Up stuck on your lampshade.
What are all these H Mart shopping baskets? I'm saving the environment.
Reusable for groceries, laundry.
That one's reusable for general.
I just reuse that.
You are a hoarder.
What about your desk? How do you get any work done on your desk? What desk? And I am not a hoarder.
(SIGHS) Nora, grow up.
You're too old for this.
Come on, throw some of this stuff away.
No, not that one.
Can you at least throw away this bag of trash? That, okay, fine.
If you're gonna live at home, clean your room.
- Hoarder.
- I'm not a hoarder! I collect things.
(NORA) Oh, shit! 420, gang-gang! It's good-good.
- How you doing, Teddy? - Hey, Nora.
Man, your parents got you on trash duty, too? What a suck fest.
I'm like, can I get a off day? Aren't you like 27? - You need help buying liquor? - No.
- Oh.
- No, no.
I'm taking my SATs next week.
Oh, man.
(CHUCKLES) I hate the SATs.
Yeah, um, you know, they're pretty important, though.
You know, if I get a good enough score, I can get into a top college and go to law school and hopefully pursue my dream of being a sports attorney.
(INHALES, EXHALES) Yeah, see, you already know what you're gonna do when you grow up? Of course.
I don't wanna end up like one of those losers who just lives with their parents at home and floats through life like a townie log.
(LAUGHING) Cig burned it.
'Cause that's the Do you dab? - You into dab? - No, no.
It's a Teva.
It's daytime.
I'm fine, but thank you, Nora.
(SIGHS) Sad.
(COUGHING) Dad? What's up? Am I a townie log loser? No, you're not a loser.
Sure, you still live at home.
You got kicked out of the dental assistant training.
But if you compare yourself to your cousin Edmund, who just bought an apartment complex, all cash No, you're not a loser.
Yeah, well, Edmund has a vestigial tail.
Okay, so he's not winning the race of life either.
I told you, we don't talk about Edmund's vestigial tail, all right? It's this long.
Disgusting.
It's disgusting.
Shoot, I forgot to feed the turtle.
Carmela, wake up, it's breakfast time? Nora, I wanna show you something.
Yeah.
Oh, what's What's that? This is a picture of my vagina - after my hysterectomy.
- Okay.
This is what happens when you get old.
Good thing is that you still young.
And more important, your vagina's still young.
- Right.
- You have your whole life ahead of you.
I know you will live special life.
(PLASTIC CRINKLING, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, I got something stuck to my teeth.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) - (SCRATCHING) You know what? It is, Grandma.
I I You know what? I can't live a special life here, right? I think I think I need to move out.
- Well, then move out.
- Yeah.
You don't wanna end up like Esther Wong, sleeping in the same room as her 89-year-old parents.
- Jesus.
- It's like a Chinese version - of "Willy Wonka".
- Right.
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
Thanks, Grandma.
Hey, Dad? What's up, Princess? I just talked to Grandma.
I think I'm gonna move out.
Okay.
Where you gonna live? I don't know yet, but Chenise just bought this big-ass apartment.
Who? Chenise, my friend from high school.
She's a badass lawyer.
Nora, we are so proud of you.
- Thanks.
- I'm sad, but also happy.
Me too.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) - What are you doing? - Sorry.
I just thought we'd have a moment.
- It's our mother tongue.
- Oh.
- What's up? What's up? - What's up? Hi, babe.
- How are ya? - Good, how are you? - Good.
Thanks for letting me crash.
- You're welcome.
Here you go.
Any time.
Look, you can eat whatever you want in the fridge, but don't ever pick up my landline.
And the second bedroom that I'm renovating, there's actually black mold under the floorboards, - so like don't go in there.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, I won't go in there.
- Yeah, okay, cool.
Yeah, what's up with this place, though? It smells like, uh, B.
O.
and tofu water.
I know, it's amazing, right? - Yeah, sure.
- Oh, okay, okay, okay.
That's Corn.
(WHISPERS) Easy, easy, slow.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING) (NORA) That's Corn? That's the guy you've been trying to get with? - Yeah.
- (VOICE ON PHONE) You have a ride request.
- Oh, look at that.
I got a customer.
- Okay.
- Make that money! - Yeah, okay.
- Wakanda.
- Don't do that.
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS) We go to work, work, work, work I've always been into country.
- Love Miranda Lambert.
- Think she's super talented.
- Celebrity threesomes.
- Mm, probably Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
'Cause I've always wanted to be the tall one.
- (MUSIC, BELL DINGING) - I had a full row of teeth behind a second full row of teeth.
Bite into a piece of matzah, the whole thing would disintegrate, man.
My parents actually left me at the Grand Canyon.
Kinda like Joe Dirt.
I love Dana Carvey.
(MUSIC, BELL DINGS) What you got there, a bassoon? - Um, it's a ukulele.
- Ah, yes.
An "ook-oo-lele".
Beautiful instrument.
One of my favorite musicians actually is - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
- Hmm.
He's dead, but his music lives on.
Beautiful body.
Sorry, can you watch the road, please? Yeah, yeah, you got it.
You got it.
Yeah, I I too used to dabble in music back in high school.
But they should've called it bi-school 'cause I was bi as fuck back then.
Bisexual.
Um, vagina and penis.
Sorry, do you mind going a little faster? - It's just I'm gonna be late for this gig.
- Oh.
Oh, cool, real gig, huh? Real gig, wow.
Well, it's an open mic.
But that's how a lot of people get discovered.
Hmm.
I bet that's how they found Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
Matter of fact, let me see if I still got his CD.
(CAR HORN BLARING) (TIRES SCREECH) Please pull over! You're scaring me and I'd like to get out! You wanna get out? Why? Pull over now or I'm calling the cops.
All right, pulling over now.
Oh! You should know you're a bad driver.
Shouldn't we uplift each other? One star.
Have a good one.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Oh, holy shit! Oh, my God! (LIGHTER FLICKS, INHALING) Can you believe that Commutez suspended me because I broke one white girl's collarbone? Meanwhile my rating drops down to a 2.
0, which is a dope GPA, but a shit Commutez rating.
Oh, yeah, listen, we need to find you a job.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, any ideas? Architecture.
Mm, "artiteture".
Um, the thing with that is I hate buildings and I hate the act of building.
Plus, don't you need a degree for that? Okay, okay, okay.
Something with less education.
Okay, my cousin works at a convalescent home in Yonkers.
Do you want me to see if they need an extra hand? Yeah, nah, I can't do that again.
I I freak out old people.
I remind them of 'Nam.
Okay, what else? What else? What else? (CRYING) (NORA SOBBING) I can't do anything, Chenise? - Okay.
- I am gonna die alone sleeping with my grandparents, like "Willy Wonka and the Charlie Factory".
Okay, that's nothing.
Okay, shh, shh (GASPS) I wish I had purpose like you, you dumb bitch.
You're a rich-ass lawyer and you look like Olivia Pope.
I got nothing.
Okay, okay.
Thank you.
It's gonna be okay.
Don't light my hair on fire again.
(SOBBING) I won't.
- (SCOFFS) Great.
- (PHONE RINGING) Chenise? - Chenise! - (PHONE RINGING) - Chenise, your work is calling! - - (PHONE RINGING) - Chenise? (CHENISE'S VOICE) In the second bedroom that I'm renovating, like don't go in there.
(NORA'S VOICE) I won't go in there.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) - (CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING) - (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) (MAN ON PHONE) Hi there.
I'm just calling to see if you're gonna be on tonight (CREEPY MUSIC CONTINUES) What? "420CamChicks.
com"? Ugh.
Oh, my Go I helped that bitch study for the bar! Hey there, friend.
You wearing a top hat? Hey, how was work today? It was good.
Yeah, you got a big case, right? - It's big.
- I actually heard about it.
I heard about it.
Was it called the State vs.
Ganja Gyal 420?! - No, no-no.
It's not what you think.
- This is exactly what I think.
Here you are with a three-foot bong dressed as Lady Liberty.
Okay, look, I didn't pass the bar.
Okay, I didn't wanna tell you because I was embarrassed and I started camming to pay rent, and it took off.
What were you doing all day? You know what? No.
No, no! I don't even care that you were camming.
All right? I lay my shit bare to you all the time.
Well, you have a lot less shame than I do, Nora.
- Wow.
Wow.
- Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, that's not what I meant.
Um, you know, you could cam, too.
It pays really well.
We could double-team.
- Yeah, we can double-team.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.
I'm just I gotta go cool off.
- I'm gonna go to my room.
- What room? (SNIFFLES) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hi, Dora.
It's me.
Grandma.
Hey, Grandma.
You okay? Yeah.
Oh, ba-ba, you can't fool me.
I can tell you taking sad shit.
- (SCOFFS) - Come have dinner with us tonight.
Make you feel better.
- Okay.
- Oh, good girl.
Now lift up that camera.
I can see your pubic patch.
- Disgusting.
- Sorry.
Now, we were hoping for evaluation at 60 mil, but one VC actually valued I set up to a hundred, so I really saw the potential in our app to get rid of homeless people.
Mm, yeah, homeless.
- Gross.
- Yeah.
You didn't tell me Edmund was coming to dinner, Grandma.
Ah, isn't it great? Your cousin in town from San Francisco.
Actually, it's Palo Alto.
That's where most of the tech industry is now.
Yeah, sure.
Sure.
Yeah, I only go to San Francisco to get my Tesla serviced.
Yeah, more like his testes serviced.
(LAUGHING) (WALLY) You know, Nora here's moving out.
She's starting her own career.
Oh, yeah? How's that going? It's going super dope, super dope, super dope.
Uh, got temporarily fired from Commutez.
- Yeah.
- What? Where does this Commutez live? I'm gonna eat her ass.
Grandma, it's "beat" her ass.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
Maybe Edmund can get you a job.
Huh? What do you say, bro? Uh, well, Uncle Wally, it's kinda hard to get a job in tech.
Most of my colleagues went to Ivy League schools.
Most have advanced degrees.
And Nora has a certificate from ITT Tech? Oh, she loves computers.
Maybe she work for Apple store.
Yeah, more like the Microsoft store.
(LAUGHING) - Bill Gates sucks.
- Yeah.
You know, actually, Edmund, I just got offered a really cool job in tech.
Really cool, solid pay, good benefits, yeah.
- What? - I get Delta Dental.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, you see? My girl got special job.
Thanks, Grandma.
Princess, I'm so proud of you - Thanks, Dad.
- if that's true.
It's true.
What's the start-up? Um (CLEARS THROAT) (CHENISE) Nora, we got 200 guys waiting to go live.
We're gonna make bank.
They've been asking me to double-team with an Asian dragon lady for weeks.
You know that a dragon lady is different than an actual dragon, right? They're filling up.
We gotta move.
Oh, no, no.
You know what? No, I can't.
I can't do this.
- And we're live.
- (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Yeah.
This how I dance.
That's how I dance.
At home, alone.
I don't know how, but I think they're liking it.
Guy from Tasmania just donated a big coin.
- Really? - Yeah.
Whoa, I'm gonna get that Bazos money.
Yeah, I'm gonna back up the truck.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
- Oh, you're lit.
- I'm lit.
- No, no, you're on fire.
- I'm on fire.
- Your tail! - What?! - Turn around! - Oh! I'm on fire! Whoa, Chenise! Get it out! - Sorry! I'm sorry! (SCREAMS) - Get it out! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) - (KNOCKING ON WINDOW) - Ma'am.
Ma'am, wake up! - Ma'am.
- Oh.
Lower your window, please.
Lower your window.
Lower your window, please.
- Ma'am - Was I speeding? Because I did not see that stop sign.
No, you're being towed because the sign says "no parking".
Says "parking anytime".
That says "no parking anytime".
Where do you see the "no"? On the sign! It says "no parking anytime".
I'm gonna be real with you, all right? I burned down my friend's house.
It's a two-bedroom rental.
It's beautiful and, um I don't know where to go.
I have nowhere to go.
Ma'am, I'm sorry to hear that.
But could you step out of the car, please? (SIGHS) I'm not wearing pants.
What do you What? I like to sleep with just feeling the surface underneath.
You gotta step outta the car.
- You're being towed.
- I'm just shy, you know? So just if you could just Oh, absolutely.
(ENGINE STARTS) - (METAL GRINDING) - Fuck! (GRINDING CONTINUES) - What is that? - That's a boot.
Ohh! Nope, not today.
- Can I ride with you? - No! Do you have pants? (SAD MUSIC PLAYING) No! What am I gonna do for work? Cory Underwood! (SOBBING) I love you! Yeah.
Hi, Dad.
Why didn't you just come home? I don't know.
My dignity? So you started living in your car? I I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own.
You know that your mother was in labor for like 37 hours? You clung onto her uterus like The Thing.
It was so gross, man, I threw up on the nurse.
- Eww.
- You know, the baby comes out, it's not all clean.
There's all this stuff all over it.
It looks like the inside of a Pop-Tart.
And then she comes up to me, "Do you wanna cut the cord, sir?" And I said, "Holy shit.
No, I don't wanna cut the fucking cord.
- You cut the fucking cord".
- Is there a point? Is this going somewhere? You know what? It's a few years later, right? And you're still hanging on.
Sometimes you you make a big move because you think you're supposed to.
And sometimes you make a big move because you're really ready to make a big move.
But you know.
I'm always here.
Thanks, Dad.
Because if, you know, if you did have that 500 to get my car out, that'd be - Abso-fucking-lutely not.
- That's all right.
- That's all right.
- Let's go.
Hey, Dad and Grandma, come on in to the new room! (WALLY) Holy shit! - (LAUGHING) What happened here? - Wow! I can see the floor.
We got a blue carpet and everything.
Who knew? You knew it was blue.
You knew it was blue, yeah.
This is impressive, though.
How many bags of like stuff did you throw out? Turns out I didn't need to move out.
I just needed to clean up a little bit.
And yes, I was a hoarder.
I admit that.
I looked myself in the mirror and I confronted it.
Well, good for you.
I mean, I'm telling ya, I support you 1,000%.
Guess what I saved of the records, Dad.
- Actually, it was in my keep pile.
- What is it? My Israel Kamakawiwo'ole C My Israel Kamakawiwo'ole CD! Thanks, Ma.
I've been looking for that.
- (LAUGHS) - Excellent.
You can have it.
You can have it.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Grandma.
Are you hungry? - I made some mapo doufu.
- Oh, my favorite.
Um, I'm good.
I'm gonna stay in my new decluttered room.
You know, Marie Kondo my place a little bit.
Just hang out.
Yeah.
It's gonna be good.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Thanks, Dad.
I think those are my sheets.
- I can't stand Marie Kondo.
- Oh, that's right.
(MAN SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oh, yeah.
Oh.
(GRUNTING) I will never leave you.
I love you.
(MAN) Who the (BLEEP) is Awkwafina?