Axe Cop (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Night Mission: Stealing Friends Back
Boy: One day, at the scene of the fire, the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
Axe Cop: I will chop your heads off! What a day.
Good night, Axe Cop.
Hey, you know what? If you're not doing anything, you want to come over, uh, for dinner? - I don't eat dinner.
- Are you sure? 'cause Anita's making grilled cheese.
And let me tell you, Anita knows a thing or two about cheese and grilling it.
- Turn off the lights on your way out.
- All right, buddy.
[door closes.]
[car departs.]
Time for Axe Cop to go on a night mission.
[music.]
[grunting.]
I'll chop your head Bat Warthog Man?! - [sobbing.]
Ugh, wha - You're not a bad guy.
What are you doing lurking in the shadows, and why are you crying? All my friends are gone.
Someone stole them.
First, stop crying.
I don't like it.
Second, did you say your friends were stolen? Yes, what kind of guy steals someone's friends? - A bad guy.
- A very bad guy! No, the King of All Bad Guys.
And lucky for you, I know how to defeat him - And get your friends back! - You do? How? With a giant dinosaur horn.
- Is there a dinosaur-horn store? - Don't you know it.
It's on another planet.
There.
- See it twinkle? - Yeah.
That's nice.
- Let's go! - Great, we'll take my car.
No, we'll take my car.
It's cooler and I know a shortcut over that awesome ramp.
[honking.]
Axe Cop: Come on! Move it! Can't he see we're on a night mission? Gimme a sec, would ya, fella?! I gotta jump this ramp to prove to my best friend that I'm not chicken.
[chuckles.]
My best friend is so cool.
One time, we were at this pizza place Shh.
We don't have time to hear about your friend.
This guy's friends were stolen by the King of All Bad Guys.
Did you say stolen!? Oh boy, that's the worst! You don't have to ask me twice, I'm helping you on this mission.
[door slams.]
Buckle up, boys, This jump leads to space and that's really high.
[crunches.]
Whoa-ooo! Whoo-hoo! Axe Cop: I just want to rent a dinosaur horn.
The only reason I'm recommending you buy it is to save you money.
[groans.]
But it's cheaper to rent.
For most people yes.
But not when you keep returning them late.
- I mean, just do the math, all right? - I always do the math - and it's cheaper to rent! - Just get your dinosaur horn already! Listen, this man's friends were stolen by the King of All Bad Guys and I'm helping him get them back! - So give me a minute! - His friends were stolen? Really? That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
My best friend, Sergeant T, was killed in the war.
Okay, look, bro, we don't have time for your back-story.
Right, axe? - Shh shh shh.
Go on.
- You see, I wasn't always a dog.
I used to be an army man and I had a pet chihuahua.
Then one day I got a telephone call.
[barks.]
[rings.]
Hello? A war?! I'll be right there! Well, summer in the city is always so much prettier I met up with my best friend: Sergeant T.
We were at war with chicken head.
He was a huge chicken with a human head.
[cheeping.]
He had an army of chicks that shot drills out of their mouths.
[screams.]
and they would bite you if you got too close.
But Sergeant T was brave.
Careful out there, Sergeant T! But what we didn't know was that chicken head could also shoot giant lasers out of his mouth.
Chicken head killed Sergeant T with one blast.
You killed my best friend! [shouting in Spanish.]
[laughs.]
I was so mad, - I killed chicken head with one grenade.
- Bok! I won the war and returned home only to discover I hadn't fed my pet chihuahua.
Oh no.
[panting.]
I forgot to feed you! [screams.]
That was the day I gained the ability to turn into a chihuahua when I am ready to fight.
Whoa, that reminds me of my best friend.
- Quick story here - Shh! So you can turn back into a man whenever you want? Only when I am not ready to fight.
Which is almost never.
Now allow me to honor the memory of Sergeant T by joining in your mission.
Great, we're gonna have to act fast.
This horn has to be back in an hour.
That must be the bad guy King's secret lab.
It's where he makes his bad guys.
I bet they know where my friends are.
Let's go! Not so fast.
I have the perfect secret attack to use for such an occasion: the free poison soda secret attack.
[mechanical voices.]
[sizzling, thudding.]
Now let's split up and look for clues.
Hyah! How did you survive my free poison soda secret attack? But soda is better than juice! To everybody.
[grunts.]
Now you tell me where Bat Warthog Man's friends are or I will chop your head off! So my friends are dead? No.
Soda is better than juice.
Hey, army chihuahua, throw this head in the head trash.
[moaning.]
Dead.
- All my friends are dead! - Cheer up, Bat Warthog Man.
Cheer up? Without friends, I'm all alone in this world.
- I have no reason to go on.
- I want you to listen very carefully.
Friends are great, but there is something even better than friends.
Killing the guy who killed your friends.
You see that enormous guy with the crown? In case there's any question, that's the King of All Bad Guys.
He's asleep because it's past his bedtime.
- Now here's the plan.
- Yah! We're gonna sneak into his ear and use this giant horn to summon the dinosaurs to eat his brains.
There it is.
We're gonna have to be quiet.
- I'm talking to you, Grey Diamond.
- Okay, bro [alarm blaring.]
Ugh.
[all yelp.]
[inhales.]
Oh, I'm never getting this horn back on time.
[playing harmonica.]
[groans.]
All right, Grey Diamond.
You can tell your story now.
Oh, for real? Oh, you're not going to regret this.
[clears throat.]
Like army chihuahua's friend Sergeant T, I, too, once knew someone in the great chicken head war a totally different dude.
His name was Sergeant G.
History will remember him as a great fighter.
But I will remember him as the guy that was my best friend.
At his funeral his mother gave me his brain.
And I thought, "what am I going to do with this?" But then I got an idea.
I'm gonna make his brain half lion, half man.
And then I decided also, there should be some cheetah in there because cheetahs are super fast.
So I went to the jungle and I knocked out a lion.
And a cheetah.
Because like I mentioned before, they're super fast.
And I put that brain into a cybernetic body with a lion's head and created the ultimate soldier-slash-best friend.
I called him Liborg! Okay, so where is this Liborg now? Well, before we all got captured, I happened to push this button on my best-friend-calling watch, so he should be here right about - Now! - Liborg! [laughs.]
Whoa, what took you so long, bro? Just kidding, thanks for getting here so fast, man.
- High five.
- Thanks for giving me half a cheetah's brain.
With the help of your friend Liborg, we just may get this horn back on time after all.
Now I will summon the dinosaurs to eat the King's brains.
[inhales.]
[growling.]
[roars, grunts.]
Quick! Let's get out of here.
Follow me.
[shouts, splashes.]
- I can't see a thing.
- We're in the stomach.
- This is bile.
- Gross.
Woman: Oh my god! Bat Warthog Man, is that you? Joanie, Potsie, Rrichie, Ralph Malph, Oh my gosh! My friends! You're all alive! [crashes.]
Hey, what's that?! The dinosaurs are eating his brains! [chomping.]
[shouts.]
[roars.]
There's no way out! We're all gonna die! Wrong.
There's one hole out of here and I know where it is.
We're going out the butthole.
[groaning.]
Whoo-hoo! - Mission accomplished.
- We're alive, we did it! Well, it looks like everyone is finally happy and reunited with their friends.
But what about the King of All Bad Guys? Don't worry about him.
The more brain those dinosaurs eat, - the dumber he gets.
- But won't he still be evil? Nope, his brain is made mostly of bad brain cells.
So he'll be a good guy from now on a really dumb good guy.
[screams.]
I know I speak for everybody when I say, - thank you, Axe Cop.
- No time for thank yous.
There's something I gotta do.
Axe Cop? What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.
I want to take you and Anita up on that dinner.
Now? Uhhh, oh-oh-okay.
I think I think we still have some buttered noodles left in the fridge.
Why don't ya why don't ya come on in? No, I'll take it to go.
I've got to get this dinosaur horn back to the dinosaur-horn store - in 15 minutes.
- Oh, you want it to go.
All right, we have a tupperware.
I'll just put it in a tupperware thing then.
Anita, where's the tupperware?! If I knew you were gonna stick me with these hidden costs, don't you think I would have just bought one? It's not a hidden cost.
It's a late fee.
That's why it's called a late fee.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
Axe Cop: I will chop your heads off! What a day.
Good night, Axe Cop.
Hey, you know what? If you're not doing anything, you want to come over, uh, for dinner? - I don't eat dinner.
- Are you sure? 'cause Anita's making grilled cheese.
And let me tell you, Anita knows a thing or two about cheese and grilling it.
- Turn off the lights on your way out.
- All right, buddy.
[door closes.]
[car departs.]
Time for Axe Cop to go on a night mission.
[music.]
[grunting.]
I'll chop your head Bat Warthog Man?! - [sobbing.]
Ugh, wha - You're not a bad guy.
What are you doing lurking in the shadows, and why are you crying? All my friends are gone.
Someone stole them.
First, stop crying.
I don't like it.
Second, did you say your friends were stolen? Yes, what kind of guy steals someone's friends? - A bad guy.
- A very bad guy! No, the King of All Bad Guys.
And lucky for you, I know how to defeat him - And get your friends back! - You do? How? With a giant dinosaur horn.
- Is there a dinosaur-horn store? - Don't you know it.
It's on another planet.
There.
- See it twinkle? - Yeah.
That's nice.
- Let's go! - Great, we'll take my car.
No, we'll take my car.
It's cooler and I know a shortcut over that awesome ramp.
[honking.]
Axe Cop: Come on! Move it! Can't he see we're on a night mission? Gimme a sec, would ya, fella?! I gotta jump this ramp to prove to my best friend that I'm not chicken.
[chuckles.]
My best friend is so cool.
One time, we were at this pizza place Shh.
We don't have time to hear about your friend.
This guy's friends were stolen by the King of All Bad Guys.
Did you say stolen!? Oh boy, that's the worst! You don't have to ask me twice, I'm helping you on this mission.
[door slams.]
Buckle up, boys, This jump leads to space and that's really high.
[crunches.]
Whoa-ooo! Whoo-hoo! Axe Cop: I just want to rent a dinosaur horn.
The only reason I'm recommending you buy it is to save you money.
[groans.]
But it's cheaper to rent.
For most people yes.
But not when you keep returning them late.
- I mean, just do the math, all right? - I always do the math - and it's cheaper to rent! - Just get your dinosaur horn already! Listen, this man's friends were stolen by the King of All Bad Guys and I'm helping him get them back! - So give me a minute! - His friends were stolen? Really? That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
My best friend, Sergeant T, was killed in the war.
Okay, look, bro, we don't have time for your back-story.
Right, axe? - Shh shh shh.
Go on.
- You see, I wasn't always a dog.
I used to be an army man and I had a pet chihuahua.
Then one day I got a telephone call.
[barks.]
[rings.]
Hello? A war?! I'll be right there! Well, summer in the city is always so much prettier I met up with my best friend: Sergeant T.
We were at war with chicken head.
He was a huge chicken with a human head.
[cheeping.]
He had an army of chicks that shot drills out of their mouths.
[screams.]
and they would bite you if you got too close.
But Sergeant T was brave.
Careful out there, Sergeant T! But what we didn't know was that chicken head could also shoot giant lasers out of his mouth.
Chicken head killed Sergeant T with one blast.
You killed my best friend! [shouting in Spanish.]
[laughs.]
I was so mad, - I killed chicken head with one grenade.
- Bok! I won the war and returned home only to discover I hadn't fed my pet chihuahua.
Oh no.
[panting.]
I forgot to feed you! [screams.]
That was the day I gained the ability to turn into a chihuahua when I am ready to fight.
Whoa, that reminds me of my best friend.
- Quick story here - Shh! So you can turn back into a man whenever you want? Only when I am not ready to fight.
Which is almost never.
Now allow me to honor the memory of Sergeant T by joining in your mission.
Great, we're gonna have to act fast.
This horn has to be back in an hour.
That must be the bad guy King's secret lab.
It's where he makes his bad guys.
I bet they know where my friends are.
Let's go! Not so fast.
I have the perfect secret attack to use for such an occasion: the free poison soda secret attack.
[mechanical voices.]
[sizzling, thudding.]
Now let's split up and look for clues.
Hyah! How did you survive my free poison soda secret attack? But soda is better than juice! To everybody.
[grunts.]
Now you tell me where Bat Warthog Man's friends are or I will chop your head off! So my friends are dead? No.
Soda is better than juice.
Hey, army chihuahua, throw this head in the head trash.
[moaning.]
Dead.
- All my friends are dead! - Cheer up, Bat Warthog Man.
Cheer up? Without friends, I'm all alone in this world.
- I have no reason to go on.
- I want you to listen very carefully.
Friends are great, but there is something even better than friends.
Killing the guy who killed your friends.
You see that enormous guy with the crown? In case there's any question, that's the King of All Bad Guys.
He's asleep because it's past his bedtime.
- Now here's the plan.
- Yah! We're gonna sneak into his ear and use this giant horn to summon the dinosaurs to eat his brains.
There it is.
We're gonna have to be quiet.
- I'm talking to you, Grey Diamond.
- Okay, bro [alarm blaring.]
Ugh.
[all yelp.]
[inhales.]
Oh, I'm never getting this horn back on time.
[playing harmonica.]
[groans.]
All right, Grey Diamond.
You can tell your story now.
Oh, for real? Oh, you're not going to regret this.
[clears throat.]
Like army chihuahua's friend Sergeant T, I, too, once knew someone in the great chicken head war a totally different dude.
His name was Sergeant G.
History will remember him as a great fighter.
But I will remember him as the guy that was my best friend.
At his funeral his mother gave me his brain.
And I thought, "what am I going to do with this?" But then I got an idea.
I'm gonna make his brain half lion, half man.
And then I decided also, there should be some cheetah in there because cheetahs are super fast.
So I went to the jungle and I knocked out a lion.
And a cheetah.
Because like I mentioned before, they're super fast.
And I put that brain into a cybernetic body with a lion's head and created the ultimate soldier-slash-best friend.
I called him Liborg! Okay, so where is this Liborg now? Well, before we all got captured, I happened to push this button on my best-friend-calling watch, so he should be here right about - Now! - Liborg! [laughs.]
Whoa, what took you so long, bro? Just kidding, thanks for getting here so fast, man.
- High five.
- Thanks for giving me half a cheetah's brain.
With the help of your friend Liborg, we just may get this horn back on time after all.
Now I will summon the dinosaurs to eat the King's brains.
[inhales.]
[growling.]
[roars, grunts.]
Quick! Let's get out of here.
Follow me.
[shouts, splashes.]
- I can't see a thing.
- We're in the stomach.
- This is bile.
- Gross.
Woman: Oh my god! Bat Warthog Man, is that you? Joanie, Potsie, Rrichie, Ralph Malph, Oh my gosh! My friends! You're all alive! [crashes.]
Hey, what's that?! The dinosaurs are eating his brains! [chomping.]
[shouts.]
[roars.]
There's no way out! We're all gonna die! Wrong.
There's one hole out of here and I know where it is.
We're going out the butthole.
[groaning.]
Whoo-hoo! - Mission accomplished.
- We're alive, we did it! Well, it looks like everyone is finally happy and reunited with their friends.
But what about the King of All Bad Guys? Don't worry about him.
The more brain those dinosaurs eat, - the dumber he gets.
- But won't he still be evil? Nope, his brain is made mostly of bad brain cells.
So he'll be a good guy from now on a really dumb good guy.
[screams.]
I know I speak for everybody when I say, - thank you, Axe Cop.
- No time for thank yous.
There's something I gotta do.
Axe Cop? What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.
I want to take you and Anita up on that dinner.
Now? Uhhh, oh-oh-okay.
I think I think we still have some buttered noodles left in the fridge.
Why don't ya why don't ya come on in? No, I'll take it to go.
I've got to get this dinosaur horn back to the dinosaur-horn store - in 15 minutes.
- Oh, you want it to go.
All right, we have a tupperware.
I'll just put it in a tupperware thing then.
Anita, where's the tupperware?! If I knew you were gonna stick me with these hidden costs, don't you think I would have just bought one? It's not a hidden cost.
It's a late fee.
That's why it's called a late fee.