Ayo and Rachel are Single (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
If you got the dream ♪
Don't wait ♪
(LAUGHS)
I'm so in love, I can't
even finish my drink.
I also can't finish my drink,
but because my paper straw got wet
and unraveled on itself.
This can't be better
for the environment.
Oh my God shut up.
Moss just texted me and
said he's on his way.
Jess said the same,
ugh, they're perfect.
I'm kind of nervous.
Last night I was playing the Sims,
and I kept accidentally
making them me and Jess
- and marrying them.
- That's terrifying.
Then I got nervous, so I put
them in separate swimming pools
and took out the ladders.
Okay, yeah.
Um, you know, the double
date is gonna be great.
And if not, it's not our fault.
'Cause I have no flaws
and neither do you.
And that's what feminism is.
Damn, that was beautiful.
- It was a good one.
- It's Gloria Steinem, right?
I'm mashing a couple quotes together.
Hey! (LAUGHS)
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.
- Oh my God are you cold?
- No.
- Hey, I'm Rachel!
- Jess.
- I'm Ayo.
- I'm Moss.
- This is Moss.
- Nice to meet you.
Tame Impala? I love them, man.
- It's my favorite band.
- Yeah, oh my God, same.
- I just saw them at Panorama.
- I was there!
- I think I saw you.
- I've never been to a concert.
Because you're supposed to
go in groups of three or more
and none of my friends are friends.
Rachel is very polarizing,
but that's a strength I think.
- Word.
- Hey Ayo, did you clock out?
Okay, here's the deal, I work here,
but if we order now and we order fast,
I'll take care of the rest.
- Can I just get black coffee?
- That's what I was gonna get!
- Taste!
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God, that show was crazy, right?
- It was insane.
Ayo, can I see you do one thing?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can you do
Awesome, thank you, that really helped.
So I see you're a scarf fan.
- Am I?
- Okay, they're literally best friends.
I know, it's perfect.
We're gonna be couple friends!
Which will strengthen our
individual relationships
which will in turn strengthen the group
and the course of events
will only naturally lead
to us all getting married.
Swap the kids one day
'cause we're all mixed race,
they don't know who their parents are.
They can't break up with us
because if they even try
Is that a Turn of The
Elfin Century tattoo?
Yeah, it's a quote from the 12th book.
I know, it's the best one.
I can't believe you know
about that, no one ever does!
- But we do.
- Um, what's this?
Oh it's a book, it's
kind of niche though.
Ah, well I've read before
and I'll actually read again.
- Thanks.
- I got a banana bread for the table.
You know I can't eat that, right?
I'm literally allergic
to gluten and bananas.
Okay what, I'm supposed to
retain information about you?
That's literally what a relationship is.
Please, a relationship is
about pushing someone away
so they're drawn to you
until you inevitably push them
too far and they leave you forever.
Is this your close friend?
- Two allergies is a lot.
- I have two allergies.
No no, I know, tree nuts and soy.
I know all your allergies.
Your Sim had them all programmed
before I killed them
in the swimming pool.
- Did I say that part out loud?
- Okay, wait a minute.
You, look at me.
Look at me.
- You're settling.
- Nah.
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Well, I just wanna say it's
great that you're getting along,
but that doesn't make us bad people.
- That's true.
- Maybe not,
- but you subtweeting Moss does.
- What?
-
- Hey!
Oh, sorry, I didn't even
realize I was doing that.
- I don't smell.
- Eh.
Hey dude, you're settling too.
Ayo's literally drinking
milk, that's weird.
Also, she works here, and hasn't
offered to get us our food for free.
- Wow.
- Okay, first of all Mr. Man,
yeah I see you with those glasses on,
you think you're so
smart. Apparently not,
I haven't clocked out.
And if I was stealing
money and stealing food,
legally that's embezzlement.
Do you ever think
about that Mr. Glasses?
- That's a crime.
- Actually,
I have a super amazing
girl I can set you up with.
Really? Me too.
- It's my sister.
- Mine's my sister, too!
- Do you wanna get out of here?
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
- Excuse me.
- Wow, wow, wow.
- Push right out.
- You're gonna like my sister,
- she's so hot.
- Oh my God,
if she looks anything like you
Okay, that sucked.
Can I just say Jess, Moss
- Bad people, mean!
- Mean!
There's good and there's evil.
There is nothing in between.
Ayo's drinking milk?
Milk is good for you.
People have tried to break my bones.
- They actually will not break.
- Mm hmm,
- mm hmm.
- You asked a very considerate question.
Oh yeah. "Are you cold?"
- And he goes, "No."
- "No."
When a woman suggests that you are cold,
- Lie, lie!
- you're a feminist.
If you are an ally to women,
- lie to their faces.
- Thank you, thank you.
I feel sick.
- You know what?
- What?
- Screw them.
- Yes.
- Hey, bartender!
- Come on.
We'll have everything, and
we'll put it on their tab.
That's not how this place works.
This is a diner.
Also Ayo, you never clocked out.
You know who else hasn't clocked out?
Racism in society
- against me.
- Okay, you're done?
- Yeah, I'm done.
- Okay.
Well, this is all coming out
of your paycheck, obviously.
Yeah no, I believe that
to be a fair punishment
- for my crime, thank you.
- Great.
I just wanna say, she's like
totally overstepping her bounds.
You need to get out, you
cannot come back here.
I'll totally go.
- Thank you.
- That's not okay.
And have a really good one.
No, you have to put that down.
- Okay.
- You have okay.