Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
All Over Range Rover
1 Oh, you gonna take me home tonight (SINGS ALONG) Oh, down beside that red fire light Oh, you gonna let it all hang out Fat bottomed girls You make the rocking world go round How much for the optional Meridian sound system? Uh, 10,500.
Is it? - So that brings us to 234,300.
- Too easy.
Which is exceptional value for a prestige car with the refined capabilities of Yeah, there's no need for the hard sell, Liliana.
The duck has already landed on the pond.
I'm the duck, and I have landed on your pond.
Could you FaceTime my CFO for me, please, Liliana? Just tell Siri you want to talk to The Dodger.
- I I would - Home button.
Easy peasy.
FaceTime The Dodger.
You know why I call him The Dodger? The tax this genius gets me out of.
Good morning, Don.
Oh, hello.
Liliana from City Range Rover, this is The Dodger from the World Wide Business Group.
Actually, my name's Kim Pepper The Dodger with bullet points, please, Liliana.
Uh, OK.
A novated lease over four years and, as Don's very keen to take the car today, I will need a deposit of 28,500.
Not good for us.
Negative cash flow this month.
What? No, Kim, just, uh .
.
just slice off a chunk of that double-digit growth we've been experiencing for seven consecutive quarters.
Single-digit growth this quarter, Don.
6%, because of the negative cash flow.
Asian humour.
- I don't have your deposit, Don.
- What? Jesus, Kim, I I need this car today.
- Just give me that - (TYRES SQUEAL) - Don, Don, pull over! - All good.
All good.
No, it's not.
I'm driving back.
No worries, Liliana.
My pert arse cheeks will be bouncing on that luxury leather by midday today.
So, I will see you then.
(HORN HONKS) What happened to the Range Rover? Uh, just red tape, my love.
This country is gagging on it.
Drainer.
Guess who I hit up last night.
Jordie Sutton.
Who? Midfielder for the Western Bulldogs.
Jordie! Yeah? Dude, it's Sammy.
Sam Angel from Icicles, then karaoke last night.
Oh, right.
Sammy.
Wow.
I can't believe you got half the team to sing Call Me Maybe.
You're welcome.
Don Angel, Jordie, Sammy's dad.
And business partner at Influenzer.
So, Jords, do you remember our conversation between Jaeger shots about you being a premium social influencer and making 2,000 bucks a post on Insta? - Was that legit? - Dude! We are tight with most of Australia's top companies.
And I've got one today that would literally shit itself with excitement at the prospect of you flogging their goods.
Yeah, sounds wicked, guys, but I'm pretty crap with that stuff.
I'm actually dyslexic.
Snap! So's Dad.
But I'm not.
I'm your SMS, Jordie.
Social Media Stylist.
Not one part of your endorsement needs to come from you.
Yeah, I'll definitely have a think about it.
- Swee - What's to think about, Jordie? Yeah, I've got training.
I'll I'll let you know in a bit.
- Or now.
You can let us know now.
- It's chill.
Hit me up later, Jords, when you've had time to process.
Ahh! Get out of my office.
I do the talent.
You do the brands.
I'm not dyslexic - I can't spell.
There's a difference.
You can even build a business based on unpleasant skin conditions.
Because those dogs in particular need regular washing.
Is that right? Well, it's another reason why our franchise network is growing across the country.
Well, we think we'd love to be part of the network, wouldn't we, Gav? Yeah, we think it's a really good fit for us.
Well, that's terrific news.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Don't tell me these two hustlers have just snapped it up? Ohh! Well, I guess I'll just have to let the Mc Andersons down gently.
Sorry - this is Don, my business partner.
Don Angel.
I'm actually the owner and founder of the business.
You'll notice it's Don's Dirty Dog Wash, not Don and Ray's Dirty Dog Wash.
Yeah, there's actually nothing of me in the logo whatsoever, I hasten to add.
No, because if there was, there'd only be one dog, and he'd be moping in his kennel wishing he had some tasty bone he chewed 20 years ago.
Try rendering that in fibreglass.
Gavin and Leanne have just done a trial run in Bacchus Marsh with the dog wash.
Say no more.
I'll open the pink champagne.
You open your chequebook.
Oh, well we're not sure we're there yet.
(CHUCKLES) No, of course not.
Of course not? Well, uh why not? I'm sure Gavin and Leanne have a lot to consider.
Well, that's right, Ray.
I mean, $100,000 is a lot.
And you read so many stories about these schemes going belly up.
Yes, you do.
No, you don't! Listen, I'm trying to grow the economy here.
You you've heard about the trickle-down effect? I am one of the people it trickles down out of.
I've I've trickled down out onto Ray and, given the opportunity, I could trickle down onto you too.
I make shitloads out of this, and and I employ bloody a lot of people in there on pretty good coin for who they are, so I don't need you questioning the viability of my business.
Alright, well, there's, uh, plenty to think about there.
- OK.
- No, there's no thinking required.
I did not get to where I am today by thinking.
Sorry, but we're not going to be pressured into anything.
Pressure? Pressure makes diamonds.
I I could have made you a couple of diamonds but now you're just two lumps of coal! Bye-bye.
Piss weak! Well done, Ray.
When are you going to bring in actual customers instead of dithering fucks that do nothing for this country's GDP? Oh, Don, you're back! Fantastic gift I have, isn't it, to be able to go somewhere and then return? You made good time.
- Are the staff assembled? - Time flies, doesn't it? I don't know where the year has gone.
Well, half of it went in this conversation.
Can I have an Eno, please, Celeste? - How's the tum-tum? - It will be better when I crap-crap.
Is that my suit? Oh, yes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't do contra for a tweet, but they said you get a discount if you start an account, which I thought could be economical.
Jesus, Celeste, how long have you been running the Fin Review? You've lost me.
If only.
Anyway, I've given it a good sponge, and it'll come up nicely for tonight.
Are you his plus one, Ray? No, he's bloody not.
We're supposed to look like highly successful entrepreneurs, not shabby-chic psych patients.
Tell the staff I am here.
Oh, what do I do about your 10:30? What what 10:30? You have your interview with the graphic designer.
Bump that to next year.
You can't cancel Leslie's job interview.
I have bigger fish to fry this morning than the sad little guppies in your family.
We need a graphic designer.
Leslie is a graphic designer.
Well, this is pointless.
I'm not running a halfway house.
I am running a world wide business group.
Any joy? The staff meeting, Ray.
Gets very hot in the men's.
I could dry it properly in here.
Actually, don't cancel his 10:30.
Thanks, Celeste.
Right.
Attention, please, everyone.
Attention, please.
- MAN: Oh, uh, Don? - Yes, sir? Um, Olivia's not here yet.
No worries, Codes.
Ashley, I thought I bloody banned them.
Please allow me to help, Don.
Oi! What the fuck? I am very sorry, Ashley, but you are showing much disrespect.
- The staff meeting has started.
- The Seventh strike, Ashley.
Thank you, Vijay.
As you all know, tonight I am attending the Small Business Awards, for which I have been nominated for.
Yes! Best small business in the whole municipal council.
Three cheers for Don.
- Hip hip - No.
No cheering, Vijay.
Tonight's celebrations have a huge turd-shaped cloud hanging over them, due to the news that Kim gave me this morning.
Tell them, Kim.
Don didn't have enough money to buy a Range Rover.
No, that's not I-I do.
It's just that that .
.
my hands were tied, because they are linked to the arms of my business, which are fucked.
Single-digit growth was the news Kim gave me this morning.
Single-digit growth is for losers.
It's it's like having a partial erection.
You either go rock hard or you pull your pants up and forget about it.
- Which is it? - Rock hard! Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to No.
No.
Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to turn up to tonight's awards with single-digit growth? I want an upswing by the end of play today, which means Translation, Kim.
(SPEAKS KOREAN) No, not not Korean translation.
For shit's sake.
Upswing equals sales, people.
Sales, do you hear me? Sales.
Yes, Don.
- If we sold a dog wash, we'd just - No.
No.
It's it's it's time you people stopped sucking on the dog wash teat and started lactating yourselves.
Vijay, speak to me.
Don, I am very pleased to report that Doppelganger Design has a new piece of classic furniture at knock-off prices ready for market.
Two hundred units of the watermelon bean bag.
Cost price, three dollars.
Recommended retail, thirty five dollars.
Oh, hot fuckety vindaloo, Vijay.
What is not to like about your 457 visa? That is what I'm talking about, people.
Colonel Cody.
Yes.
Can you give me an update on the situation in Cambodia? Um, well, Olivia's actually been helping me with the latest dresses comin' in from Barra.
Brrr! Yeah.
Um so but there's nothin' today, but on the whole, Barra is oh, my God, it's Brrr!, ya lame-o.
As in, "Brrr, I'm freezing, "'cause I'm wearing fucking nothing except this tiny shit dress.
" - Get it? - Yeah.
Ashley, how dare you speak to a former serving officer of the Australian Army like that.
What have you done for your country lately, other than clog up the juvenile justice system and hospitalise twelve kids who ate pineapple scented rubbers? Thanks for that Chernobyl that I'm still trying to concrete over.
What has come in from Hanoi that you can shift today? I have a hundred cupcake pencil cases that I could put through, but I was waiting for the matching sharpeners to come in.
Nup.
Transfer it.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Shithouse, Ashley.
When those sharpeners come in, put your head in one.
It is 'Brrr!', by the way, mate.
- Yeah, I know.
- New skirt, Sam? Kim, that's sexual harassment.
Sammy, we've got dirty Jordie Sutton wriggling on the line.
Now, I gave you Expedia for today.
Did you get me a dingbat celebrity? All dope.
4K COB.
Listening, Ashley? Ray, can you do me a solid and write an Expedia blog post for Kristie Bilotti? I didn't understand anything in that sentence.
She's a chick from Home and Away and you just have to write, like, a journal entry of her trip to Spain.
- (BUZZ!) - OK.
Oh, God, sorry.
I've got four down with gastro.
Thank God I'm in the toilet paper industry.
Sorry, Don.
Just come to get more supplies for home.
I'll be back on deck tomorrow.
Supply equals demand, right, Don? OK.
Kim, take fifty-four bucks off her wages this week.
Are you sure? She's a single mother and Oh, it is that kind of do-gooder, anti-business sentiment that's landed me with negative cash flow.
What are you going to do about it, Kim? Are we at all able to suck on your dog wash teat? - (KNOCKS LIGHTLY) - (RAY TYPES) Knock, knock.
(CONTINUES TYPING) Say say 'who's there?' - Who's there? - Opportunity.
Oh Ray, I get very hurt when you don't use your birthday present.
Listen, just on that couple of Bacchus Marsh The dithering fucks? Yep.
Maybe maybe you chose badly.
But I still think you have a chance to mould those soft cocks into something that really could pleasure all of us by putting a pin right in this fella's jacksy.
It'd be nice to arrive at the awards night tonight in a brand-new Range Rover.
Beg yours? Perhaps be photographed dropping off at valet parking like people were last year.
A fucking Barina.
I mean, he may as well have brown-eyed the judges.
So I'll talk to Gavin and Leanne about resurrecting the dog wash sale so you can buy a new car, on the condition that you give Leslie the job.
Ray, that's blackmail.
Use that on the clients, please, not not me.
But your daughter works for the company.
- And if you had one, she would too.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) Your 10:30's here.
No, I bloody cancelled that, Celeste.
Oh, did you? I must have misheard.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Leslie.
Come in.
Hey, Don.
Look at that.
You've you've got the full beard going there.
Yeah, it's getting there.
So is that the tablets, or were you just always a big waxer when you were a girl? (LAUGHS) I wish.
No, it's definitely the hormones.
I'm even getting chest hair too.
Do you wanna see? Whoa, OK.
That's Occ health and safety.
- That's Jesus.
- Sorry.
Oversharing.
I'm just excited.
Are you? Getting this job would be so great, because it's all so expensive, and now I can actually contemplate getting my top surgery.
Yeah, on that note, I think Don has something to say to you.
Dad! Jordie just messaged me.
Boo-yah! He's in.
Yes! I knew I'd reel that sucker in for you.
Fuck off.
No, Sammy, you don't catch the big fish without the right tackle.
No offence.
Hey, L-Dog! Mwah.
Oh, crushing it.
Dad, Jordie can take shots at training now.
What's the brand? Uh, I've still got the plonkers from Surf's Up on the hook.
He's at footy.
He can't wear board shorts.
What about sunglasses? Yasss! Well, no, he's a footballer, so They're Speigler.
They're pretty snatched.
Yeah, I don't think sunnies are the go.
3.
5K, easy.
Nailed it, L-Dog! Dad, polaropposites.
com.
Let's get on it.
- I'll come with.
- What about Bacchus Marsh? Uh, very sorry, Leslie.
Single digit growth at the moment.
I can't offer you the position.
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Doesn't even matter.
Just another in a long line of disappointments.
Should be used to it by now.
I've never said this to anyone before, but I'll pay for your - For my double mastectomy? - Mm.
Really? Oh, you're the bomb, Dad.
It's the least I can do.
Well, I'm looking into the hysterectomy, so you could always do more.
Tr tremendous.
Money wasn't my only reason for applying for a job here.
I can't imagine another.
Perhaps a court order.
(LAUGHS) I wanted to be around you.
Can you get my sunglasses back? Probably not.
(PHONE RINGS) Carla Zeist.
Don Angel, Carla, World Wide Business Group.
How's the world of protective fashion eyewear and accessories treating you today? - Fine? - Yep, terrific, Carla.
And it's only going to get better from here, because What's the World Wide Business Group? The WWBG is a multi-tentacled beast, Carla.
That's tentacled, by the way.
You you're dropping out there, Carla.
No, I didn't say anything.
Right you are.
Uh, but the tentacle I've got pointing at you today, Carla, is the one I've latched on to the AFL.
And let me ask you this, Carla.
Are you a fan? - I am.
- Oh, me too.
So I've got a package I think you're going to find irresistible, Carla.
OK Are you familiar with Jordie Sutton? - Yes.
Yeah.
- Well, how's this for an idea? Jordie Sutton takes an Insta post at training wearing a pair of Speigler sunglasses, which he thanks Polar Opposites for.
Right.
How's all that supposed to happen? (MESSAGE SENT WHOOSH) Well if you just check your inbox, Carla, I think you'll find Oh, you've done it.
Wow.
That is perfect.
And it will be even more perfect when we pump that sucker up Jordie's Insta feed.
Yes, how do how do we do that? Well, if you check your email there, I think you'll find our BSB and account number is waiting to get a little tickle.
So as soon as you pop 5K on our tentacle, you will see your sunglasses in front of .
.
one hundred thousand followers.
Incredible value, Carla.
It is.
That is fantastic.
OK, I'm logging onto internet banking now.
Terrific news, Carla.
I've been wanting to do something like this for some time Yep, Carla, I'm afraid my wheels of industry aren't able to turn here without me pedalling like the clappers, so we're going to have to cut it short until next time.
- Bye bye, Carla.
- Whoa, 5K! Let's stop off at the servo and get a bag of ice.
I think I can see an Eskimo at the end of that street.
- Ooh, tag me in that, Sammy.
- Nuh.
You're not my brand.
Well, then hop in with me.
I get lots of likes when you're in mine.
Yeah.
- How many followers have you got now? - - Twelve.
- (SIGHS) Well, that's all Jesus started off with.
Ms Kovacec.
Look out, it's the dream team.
How's my favourite nominee? Oh, I'd forgotten all about that.
Can I interest you in my melons? - Yum.
- And they're quality.
It's actually an organic watermelon, plus as a special offer for the viewers, order today and just fifteen hundred, Sammy will get you a famous arsehole sitting in here.
- Thank you, Samantha.
- Ooh, for Insta! Whose butt can you get? Whose butt can't I get? (LAUGHS) So, twenty five smackers.
Will you take two hundred? I will at seventeen fifty.
Oh, you are squeezing my nuts.
- You wish.
- Cash? - Fifteen cash.
- Fifteen now? Come on - three grand cash in hand.
Done.
You may let go of my nuts.
Would you stop with your nuts? Queen, what's your retail price? I'll start them at sixty.
Sixty? And you just beat me down to fifteen? Yeah, what'd you pay for them? - Eight.
- Three.
- I'll start them at sixty-five.
- (PHONE CHIMES) OK, this year's Bachelor is available for fifteen hundred.
- Bang! - (LAUGHS) The Bachelor in an organic watermelon bean bag! Does social media get any better? - Locking in Bachie.
- Thanks, Sam.
And now for the actual folding stuff? Ah.
OK.
- There's one.
- Yum.
- Two.
- Thank you.
Three grand.
(CHUCKLES) And I look forward to giving you a wad tonight.
Mmm.
Are they giving out an award for that too? Because if they did, you would win.
Ugh! PDA much? What time are you picking me up in the new wheels? Shall I tell her, Dad? No, I'll bloody tell her.
- Hmm? - (WHISPERS) Um seven.
- Mm-hm.
- I'll pick you up at seven.
(SQUEALS, LAUGHS) Oh, fuck! Dude, whoa.
Hang on! This is a loading zone.
Mm, says who? The hot guy with twenty bucks in his pocket? Um, I think my scanner's playing up.
- (GIGGLES) - And there she is.
Instagram Sam.
Hey, babe.
How many times do I have to tell you? All deals with my players, done at my office, not Club 23 at Crown.
Do not contact Jordie Sutton again.
Go fuck yourself.
You're a parasite living off these guys.
You're like one of those tiny fish that eats shit off whales.
And you've been powdering your nose too much.
Anyway, I've deleted the post and changed his login details.
You do anything like this again, I will see you in court.
The only court I will ever see you in is a food court, you fat fuck.
(RINGTONE) Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Don Angel.
- Can you get out? - I need to take a dump.
CARLA: What happened to our post? To whom am I speaking, please? Carla Zeist, from Polar Opposites.
- How are you, Carla? - I'm furious.
Jordie Sutton's post has been deleted.
Oh, you've got to be joking me, Carla.
- What can I tell you? - (HORN HONKS) That would be the interfering cock ring that is the AFL, stemming the blood flow of commerce.
- What? So the AFL took it - But I have awesome news, Carla.
Sam Angel, Head of Marketing here.
The post got 22,000 likes before it was pulled.
That's what we call a win-win, Carla.
But I paid for it to stay up and for two more posts.
I'm cancelling the payment.
Whoa, whoa! Hang on there, Carla.
Let's not throw out the direct debit baby with the AFL bath water, because we have at our disposal a great many high profile celebrities and and if you just check your Instagram, you will see that you've just been tagged by one of our top clients.
Tabitha Starr.
Who's she? She's an actress.
Touted to be the next big thing.
She's pretty 'big' now.
Wait.
Is she a porn star? No, she's an actress, uh uh in adult films.
With over a quarter of a million followers now looking at your sunglasses.
I can assure you they won't be looking at her sunglasses.
Take it down.
- (HORN HONKS) - Uh Hang on there, Carla.
You are already getting hundreds of likes here.
If that money's not back in my account within the hour, I'm suing.
- Oh, let's not be - (HANGS UP) premature, Carla.
Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Wash Don Angel.
Don, it's Liliana from City Range Rover.
Yes, Liliana.
Look, I understand that finance might be a problem Not for me.
Easiest part of my day, Liliana.
Right.
It's just that you said you'd be back by midday, and it's now two o'clock, so Did you stop selling cars at midday, Liliana? No.
Then I don't see what the problem is.
Bye-bye.
(HORN HONKS) (GUT RUMBLES AND BUBBLES LOUDLY) - Gross, you pig.
- (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) - (PHONE RINGS) - RAY: Don? Alright, Ray.
You stitch up Bacchus Marsh and I'm prepared to take Leslie on.
But can we talk bathrooms? Does he get to use both? I tell you - what I'll call you back.
Hey Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RAY: Well, thank you so much for coming back in.
We're not going to be bullied into this, Ray.
No, of course not.
Don's not here now.
And why should we go with you and not one of the other mobs? Well, I think we have the special formula.
In terms of clickbait on the internet, the top two are pets and sex.
The genius of Don was putting them together.
On the logo, not in reality.
Anyway, in the last couple of years, it's taken off.
And have you always been in the dog wash trade? No, I ended up here for personal reasons.
Oh, and what are they, Ray? Well, I needed to support Leslie, especially after Janet left me.
Your wife? No, she left me some years before that.
And and Leslie's your daughter? Yes and no.
Well, no and no, really.
I thought she was, and then I found out she wasn't.
Then I got depressed, then I couldn't work.
Then I met Don.
Oh.
Then my new partner, Janet, left me for a Tasmanian banjo player.
Then Leslie revealed that she was transitioning to a man.
So not only isn't she my daughter, she isn't my daughter.
He isn't my son.
- We'll take Bacchus Marsh, Ray.
- (SIGHS) LILIANA: OK, that's $285,000.
Two hundred and eighty? $50,700 luxury what? I'm sorry - I assumed you knew this vehicle would attract the luxury car tax.
What, so because I'm successful, I have to be punished? Is that This is this is just tall poppy syndrome.
I mean, if they don't want me to buy an imported car, then, you know, fucking make one here.
Well, there are exemptions.
For example, if you were using the vehicle as an ambulance to transport sick animals.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Are you taking the piss, or? - (PHONE CHIMES) Hello, Don? Luxury car tax, Kim.
Did did you miss that lecture? We don't cover that till third year.
Well, you might be deported by then.
OK, got it.
Can you convert the car so that it has disabled access? - For Ray? - For tax purposes.
Wait could the car be a commercial vehicle? It bloody well could be.
I'm just using it to deliver quality homewares at unbeatable prices.
You are a genius, Kimbo.
Kim Jong-un's loss is Don Angel's gain.
Actually my family's from South Korea - (CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS) - Yes.
- Don's Dirty Dog - Oh! Here we go.
I am ready to give you the ride of your life, and I hope shortly afterwards you will do the same for me.
BRIDGET: I can't come.
What? (QUIETLY) Darren's back early.
He wants a night in.
What a fucking prick.
I'm sorry, babe.
I so wanna be there with you.
No biggy.
I'll make it up to you.
Could you take Sam as your plus one? Oh, I'll probably just find someone on Tinder or something.
My profile's been getting quite a few swipes lately, so that's (HANGS UP) No, just uh, sorry, can you just leave that, please? Just pop that back? Actually, can you change that three to an eight? I mean, I could not care less that she is with Darren tonight because I was a free man, and we had a great time, didn't we? Well maybe it's just a pop-up relationship.
Do you think she'll ever actually leave him? Of course she'll bloody leave him, but she can't until he's done the fitouts in all her shops.
(PHONE RINGS) Well, it's just that there are other carpenters.
Has she tried Yelp? It's basic economics, Ray.
Other carpenters won't do it for free because she's not married to them.
SAM: Rayonce, what up? Put her on speaker.
Hey, Sammy.
Bad luck on the award again, D-man.
It's all rigged, Sammy.
Ray, tell Leslie I got his shades back.
Oh, you can tell him yourself at work.
Do you mind if I run my Kristie Bilotti blog post past you? Hit me.
She didn't have much in her diary entries, so I tweaked them a little.
"How much less taxing and treacherous "the journey across the Pyrenees would have been "for the invading Vandals and Visigoths of the 5th century "had Elena and her friendly team from Santiago Tours been available.
"The Visigoths in particular "would surely have appreciated the air conditioned comfort "and individual seatbelts of the Santiago 24-seat tour bus.
"Barcelona imbues the soul with a passion for culture, art "and pear and rhubarb gelato from La Gelataria.
"Yum-diddly-scrumptious! "With its unique Gothic and curvilinear art nouveau forms, "it's impossible to immerse oneself in the sensual splendour of the Sagrada Familia "and not be moved by its totes amazeballness.
"Although I think my new Zara top and belt kinda upstaged it.
" Yeah, that'll do.
I'm from the ACCC.
Is that Roadside Assist? Dodge, are you across this bloody Yaytionery product recall? Which one? The pineapple rubbers.
And what happened to my tagline? Your logo was disgusting.
- You have to try and fit in.
- This isn't about your gender.
I can't believe you would say that! This is about you not respecting somebody's toilet paper business.
VIJAY: I'm thinking Coco could do an Instagram post with our new avo on toast cushion.
She is going nowhere near your shit cushion.
It's just that the summer range really is important to us, because because we did miss spring.
I didn't know that the spring stuff had to be ready in autumn.
Why don't you try pretending you're living in the northern hemisphere? Oh.
No.
I'm not going back there, Don.
Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog
Is it? - So that brings us to 234,300.
- Too easy.
Which is exceptional value for a prestige car with the refined capabilities of Yeah, there's no need for the hard sell, Liliana.
The duck has already landed on the pond.
I'm the duck, and I have landed on your pond.
Could you FaceTime my CFO for me, please, Liliana? Just tell Siri you want to talk to The Dodger.
- I I would - Home button.
Easy peasy.
FaceTime The Dodger.
You know why I call him The Dodger? The tax this genius gets me out of.
Good morning, Don.
Oh, hello.
Liliana from City Range Rover, this is The Dodger from the World Wide Business Group.
Actually, my name's Kim Pepper The Dodger with bullet points, please, Liliana.
Uh, OK.
A novated lease over four years and, as Don's very keen to take the car today, I will need a deposit of 28,500.
Not good for us.
Negative cash flow this month.
What? No, Kim, just, uh .
.
just slice off a chunk of that double-digit growth we've been experiencing for seven consecutive quarters.
Single-digit growth this quarter, Don.
6%, because of the negative cash flow.
Asian humour.
- I don't have your deposit, Don.
- What? Jesus, Kim, I I need this car today.
- Just give me that - (TYRES SQUEAL) - Don, Don, pull over! - All good.
All good.
No, it's not.
I'm driving back.
No worries, Liliana.
My pert arse cheeks will be bouncing on that luxury leather by midday today.
So, I will see you then.
(HORN HONKS) What happened to the Range Rover? Uh, just red tape, my love.
This country is gagging on it.
Drainer.
Guess who I hit up last night.
Jordie Sutton.
Who? Midfielder for the Western Bulldogs.
Jordie! Yeah? Dude, it's Sammy.
Sam Angel from Icicles, then karaoke last night.
Oh, right.
Sammy.
Wow.
I can't believe you got half the team to sing Call Me Maybe.
You're welcome.
Don Angel, Jordie, Sammy's dad.
And business partner at Influenzer.
So, Jords, do you remember our conversation between Jaeger shots about you being a premium social influencer and making 2,000 bucks a post on Insta? - Was that legit? - Dude! We are tight with most of Australia's top companies.
And I've got one today that would literally shit itself with excitement at the prospect of you flogging their goods.
Yeah, sounds wicked, guys, but I'm pretty crap with that stuff.
I'm actually dyslexic.
Snap! So's Dad.
But I'm not.
I'm your SMS, Jordie.
Social Media Stylist.
Not one part of your endorsement needs to come from you.
Yeah, I'll definitely have a think about it.
- Swee - What's to think about, Jordie? Yeah, I've got training.
I'll I'll let you know in a bit.
- Or now.
You can let us know now.
- It's chill.
Hit me up later, Jords, when you've had time to process.
Ahh! Get out of my office.
I do the talent.
You do the brands.
I'm not dyslexic - I can't spell.
There's a difference.
You can even build a business based on unpleasant skin conditions.
Because those dogs in particular need regular washing.
Is that right? Well, it's another reason why our franchise network is growing across the country.
Well, we think we'd love to be part of the network, wouldn't we, Gav? Yeah, we think it's a really good fit for us.
Well, that's terrific news.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Don't tell me these two hustlers have just snapped it up? Ohh! Well, I guess I'll just have to let the Mc Andersons down gently.
Sorry - this is Don, my business partner.
Don Angel.
I'm actually the owner and founder of the business.
You'll notice it's Don's Dirty Dog Wash, not Don and Ray's Dirty Dog Wash.
Yeah, there's actually nothing of me in the logo whatsoever, I hasten to add.
No, because if there was, there'd only be one dog, and he'd be moping in his kennel wishing he had some tasty bone he chewed 20 years ago.
Try rendering that in fibreglass.
Gavin and Leanne have just done a trial run in Bacchus Marsh with the dog wash.
Say no more.
I'll open the pink champagne.
You open your chequebook.
Oh, well we're not sure we're there yet.
(CHUCKLES) No, of course not.
Of course not? Well, uh why not? I'm sure Gavin and Leanne have a lot to consider.
Well, that's right, Ray.
I mean, $100,000 is a lot.
And you read so many stories about these schemes going belly up.
Yes, you do.
No, you don't! Listen, I'm trying to grow the economy here.
You you've heard about the trickle-down effect? I am one of the people it trickles down out of.
I've I've trickled down out onto Ray and, given the opportunity, I could trickle down onto you too.
I make shitloads out of this, and and I employ bloody a lot of people in there on pretty good coin for who they are, so I don't need you questioning the viability of my business.
Alright, well, there's, uh, plenty to think about there.
- OK.
- No, there's no thinking required.
I did not get to where I am today by thinking.
Sorry, but we're not going to be pressured into anything.
Pressure? Pressure makes diamonds.
I I could have made you a couple of diamonds but now you're just two lumps of coal! Bye-bye.
Piss weak! Well done, Ray.
When are you going to bring in actual customers instead of dithering fucks that do nothing for this country's GDP? Oh, Don, you're back! Fantastic gift I have, isn't it, to be able to go somewhere and then return? You made good time.
- Are the staff assembled? - Time flies, doesn't it? I don't know where the year has gone.
Well, half of it went in this conversation.
Can I have an Eno, please, Celeste? - How's the tum-tum? - It will be better when I crap-crap.
Is that my suit? Oh, yes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't do contra for a tweet, but they said you get a discount if you start an account, which I thought could be economical.
Jesus, Celeste, how long have you been running the Fin Review? You've lost me.
If only.
Anyway, I've given it a good sponge, and it'll come up nicely for tonight.
Are you his plus one, Ray? No, he's bloody not.
We're supposed to look like highly successful entrepreneurs, not shabby-chic psych patients.
Tell the staff I am here.
Oh, what do I do about your 10:30? What what 10:30? You have your interview with the graphic designer.
Bump that to next year.
You can't cancel Leslie's job interview.
I have bigger fish to fry this morning than the sad little guppies in your family.
We need a graphic designer.
Leslie is a graphic designer.
Well, this is pointless.
I'm not running a halfway house.
I am running a world wide business group.
Any joy? The staff meeting, Ray.
Gets very hot in the men's.
I could dry it properly in here.
Actually, don't cancel his 10:30.
Thanks, Celeste.
Right.
Attention, please, everyone.
Attention, please.
- MAN: Oh, uh, Don? - Yes, sir? Um, Olivia's not here yet.
No worries, Codes.
Ashley, I thought I bloody banned them.
Please allow me to help, Don.
Oi! What the fuck? I am very sorry, Ashley, but you are showing much disrespect.
- The staff meeting has started.
- The Seventh strike, Ashley.
Thank you, Vijay.
As you all know, tonight I am attending the Small Business Awards, for which I have been nominated for.
Yes! Best small business in the whole municipal council.
Three cheers for Don.
- Hip hip - No.
No cheering, Vijay.
Tonight's celebrations have a huge turd-shaped cloud hanging over them, due to the news that Kim gave me this morning.
Tell them, Kim.
Don didn't have enough money to buy a Range Rover.
No, that's not I-I do.
It's just that that .
.
my hands were tied, because they are linked to the arms of my business, which are fucked.
Single-digit growth was the news Kim gave me this morning.
Single-digit growth is for losers.
It's it's like having a partial erection.
You either go rock hard or you pull your pants up and forget about it.
- Which is it? - Rock hard! Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to No.
No.
Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to turn up to tonight's awards with single-digit growth? I want an upswing by the end of play today, which means Translation, Kim.
(SPEAKS KOREAN) No, not not Korean translation.
For shit's sake.
Upswing equals sales, people.
Sales, do you hear me? Sales.
Yes, Don.
- If we sold a dog wash, we'd just - No.
No.
It's it's it's time you people stopped sucking on the dog wash teat and started lactating yourselves.
Vijay, speak to me.
Don, I am very pleased to report that Doppelganger Design has a new piece of classic furniture at knock-off prices ready for market.
Two hundred units of the watermelon bean bag.
Cost price, three dollars.
Recommended retail, thirty five dollars.
Oh, hot fuckety vindaloo, Vijay.
What is not to like about your 457 visa? That is what I'm talking about, people.
Colonel Cody.
Yes.
Can you give me an update on the situation in Cambodia? Um, well, Olivia's actually been helping me with the latest dresses comin' in from Barra.
Brrr! Yeah.
Um so but there's nothin' today, but on the whole, Barra is oh, my God, it's Brrr!, ya lame-o.
As in, "Brrr, I'm freezing, "'cause I'm wearing fucking nothing except this tiny shit dress.
" - Get it? - Yeah.
Ashley, how dare you speak to a former serving officer of the Australian Army like that.
What have you done for your country lately, other than clog up the juvenile justice system and hospitalise twelve kids who ate pineapple scented rubbers? Thanks for that Chernobyl that I'm still trying to concrete over.
What has come in from Hanoi that you can shift today? I have a hundred cupcake pencil cases that I could put through, but I was waiting for the matching sharpeners to come in.
Nup.
Transfer it.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Shithouse, Ashley.
When those sharpeners come in, put your head in one.
It is 'Brrr!', by the way, mate.
- Yeah, I know.
- New skirt, Sam? Kim, that's sexual harassment.
Sammy, we've got dirty Jordie Sutton wriggling on the line.
Now, I gave you Expedia for today.
Did you get me a dingbat celebrity? All dope.
4K COB.
Listening, Ashley? Ray, can you do me a solid and write an Expedia blog post for Kristie Bilotti? I didn't understand anything in that sentence.
She's a chick from Home and Away and you just have to write, like, a journal entry of her trip to Spain.
- (BUZZ!) - OK.
Oh, God, sorry.
I've got four down with gastro.
Thank God I'm in the toilet paper industry.
Sorry, Don.
Just come to get more supplies for home.
I'll be back on deck tomorrow.
Supply equals demand, right, Don? OK.
Kim, take fifty-four bucks off her wages this week.
Are you sure? She's a single mother and Oh, it is that kind of do-gooder, anti-business sentiment that's landed me with negative cash flow.
What are you going to do about it, Kim? Are we at all able to suck on your dog wash teat? - (KNOCKS LIGHTLY) - (RAY TYPES) Knock, knock.
(CONTINUES TYPING) Say say 'who's there?' - Who's there? - Opportunity.
Oh Ray, I get very hurt when you don't use your birthday present.
Listen, just on that couple of Bacchus Marsh The dithering fucks? Yep.
Maybe maybe you chose badly.
But I still think you have a chance to mould those soft cocks into something that really could pleasure all of us by putting a pin right in this fella's jacksy.
It'd be nice to arrive at the awards night tonight in a brand-new Range Rover.
Beg yours? Perhaps be photographed dropping off at valet parking like people were last year.
A fucking Barina.
I mean, he may as well have brown-eyed the judges.
So I'll talk to Gavin and Leanne about resurrecting the dog wash sale so you can buy a new car, on the condition that you give Leslie the job.
Ray, that's blackmail.
Use that on the clients, please, not not me.
But your daughter works for the company.
- And if you had one, she would too.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) Your 10:30's here.
No, I bloody cancelled that, Celeste.
Oh, did you? I must have misheard.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Leslie.
Come in.
Hey, Don.
Look at that.
You've you've got the full beard going there.
Yeah, it's getting there.
So is that the tablets, or were you just always a big waxer when you were a girl? (LAUGHS) I wish.
No, it's definitely the hormones.
I'm even getting chest hair too.
Do you wanna see? Whoa, OK.
That's Occ health and safety.
- That's Jesus.
- Sorry.
Oversharing.
I'm just excited.
Are you? Getting this job would be so great, because it's all so expensive, and now I can actually contemplate getting my top surgery.
Yeah, on that note, I think Don has something to say to you.
Dad! Jordie just messaged me.
Boo-yah! He's in.
Yes! I knew I'd reel that sucker in for you.
Fuck off.
No, Sammy, you don't catch the big fish without the right tackle.
No offence.
Hey, L-Dog! Mwah.
Oh, crushing it.
Dad, Jordie can take shots at training now.
What's the brand? Uh, I've still got the plonkers from Surf's Up on the hook.
He's at footy.
He can't wear board shorts.
What about sunglasses? Yasss! Well, no, he's a footballer, so They're Speigler.
They're pretty snatched.
Yeah, I don't think sunnies are the go.
3.
5K, easy.
Nailed it, L-Dog! Dad, polaropposites.
com.
Let's get on it.
- I'll come with.
- What about Bacchus Marsh? Uh, very sorry, Leslie.
Single digit growth at the moment.
I can't offer you the position.
- I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
Doesn't even matter.
Just another in a long line of disappointments.
Should be used to it by now.
I've never said this to anyone before, but I'll pay for your - For my double mastectomy? - Mm.
Really? Oh, you're the bomb, Dad.
It's the least I can do.
Well, I'm looking into the hysterectomy, so you could always do more.
Tr tremendous.
Money wasn't my only reason for applying for a job here.
I can't imagine another.
Perhaps a court order.
(LAUGHS) I wanted to be around you.
Can you get my sunglasses back? Probably not.
(PHONE RINGS) Carla Zeist.
Don Angel, Carla, World Wide Business Group.
How's the world of protective fashion eyewear and accessories treating you today? - Fine? - Yep, terrific, Carla.
And it's only going to get better from here, because What's the World Wide Business Group? The WWBG is a multi-tentacled beast, Carla.
That's tentacled, by the way.
You you're dropping out there, Carla.
No, I didn't say anything.
Right you are.
Uh, but the tentacle I've got pointing at you today, Carla, is the one I've latched on to the AFL.
And let me ask you this, Carla.
Are you a fan? - I am.
- Oh, me too.
So I've got a package I think you're going to find irresistible, Carla.
OK Are you familiar with Jordie Sutton? - Yes.
Yeah.
- Well, how's this for an idea? Jordie Sutton takes an Insta post at training wearing a pair of Speigler sunglasses, which he thanks Polar Opposites for.
Right.
How's all that supposed to happen? (MESSAGE SENT WHOOSH) Well if you just check your inbox, Carla, I think you'll find Oh, you've done it.
Wow.
That is perfect.
And it will be even more perfect when we pump that sucker up Jordie's Insta feed.
Yes, how do how do we do that? Well, if you check your email there, I think you'll find our BSB and account number is waiting to get a little tickle.
So as soon as you pop 5K on our tentacle, you will see your sunglasses in front of .
.
one hundred thousand followers.
Incredible value, Carla.
It is.
That is fantastic.
OK, I'm logging onto internet banking now.
Terrific news, Carla.
I've been wanting to do something like this for some time Yep, Carla, I'm afraid my wheels of industry aren't able to turn here without me pedalling like the clappers, so we're going to have to cut it short until next time.
- Bye bye, Carla.
- Whoa, 5K! Let's stop off at the servo and get a bag of ice.
I think I can see an Eskimo at the end of that street.
- Ooh, tag me in that, Sammy.
- Nuh.
You're not my brand.
Well, then hop in with me.
I get lots of likes when you're in mine.
Yeah.
- How many followers have you got now? - - Twelve.
- (SIGHS) Well, that's all Jesus started off with.
Ms Kovacec.
Look out, it's the dream team.
How's my favourite nominee? Oh, I'd forgotten all about that.
Can I interest you in my melons? - Yum.
- And they're quality.
It's actually an organic watermelon, plus as a special offer for the viewers, order today and just fifteen hundred, Sammy will get you a famous arsehole sitting in here.
- Thank you, Samantha.
- Ooh, for Insta! Whose butt can you get? Whose butt can't I get? (LAUGHS) So, twenty five smackers.
Will you take two hundred? I will at seventeen fifty.
Oh, you are squeezing my nuts.
- You wish.
- Cash? - Fifteen cash.
- Fifteen now? Come on - three grand cash in hand.
Done.
You may let go of my nuts.
Would you stop with your nuts? Queen, what's your retail price? I'll start them at sixty.
Sixty? And you just beat me down to fifteen? Yeah, what'd you pay for them? - Eight.
- Three.
- I'll start them at sixty-five.
- (PHONE CHIMES) OK, this year's Bachelor is available for fifteen hundred.
- Bang! - (LAUGHS) The Bachelor in an organic watermelon bean bag! Does social media get any better? - Locking in Bachie.
- Thanks, Sam.
And now for the actual folding stuff? Ah.
OK.
- There's one.
- Yum.
- Two.
- Thank you.
Three grand.
(CHUCKLES) And I look forward to giving you a wad tonight.
Mmm.
Are they giving out an award for that too? Because if they did, you would win.
Ugh! PDA much? What time are you picking me up in the new wheels? Shall I tell her, Dad? No, I'll bloody tell her.
- Hmm? - (WHISPERS) Um seven.
- Mm-hm.
- I'll pick you up at seven.
(SQUEALS, LAUGHS) Oh, fuck! Dude, whoa.
Hang on! This is a loading zone.
Mm, says who? The hot guy with twenty bucks in his pocket? Um, I think my scanner's playing up.
- (GIGGLES) - And there she is.
Instagram Sam.
Hey, babe.
How many times do I have to tell you? All deals with my players, done at my office, not Club 23 at Crown.
Do not contact Jordie Sutton again.
Go fuck yourself.
You're a parasite living off these guys.
You're like one of those tiny fish that eats shit off whales.
And you've been powdering your nose too much.
Anyway, I've deleted the post and changed his login details.
You do anything like this again, I will see you in court.
The only court I will ever see you in is a food court, you fat fuck.
(RINGTONE) Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Don Angel.
- Can you get out? - I need to take a dump.
CARLA: What happened to our post? To whom am I speaking, please? Carla Zeist, from Polar Opposites.
- How are you, Carla? - I'm furious.
Jordie Sutton's post has been deleted.
Oh, you've got to be joking me, Carla.
- What can I tell you? - (HORN HONKS) That would be the interfering cock ring that is the AFL, stemming the blood flow of commerce.
- What? So the AFL took it - But I have awesome news, Carla.
Sam Angel, Head of Marketing here.
The post got 22,000 likes before it was pulled.
That's what we call a win-win, Carla.
But I paid for it to stay up and for two more posts.
I'm cancelling the payment.
Whoa, whoa! Hang on there, Carla.
Let's not throw out the direct debit baby with the AFL bath water, because we have at our disposal a great many high profile celebrities and and if you just check your Instagram, you will see that you've just been tagged by one of our top clients.
Tabitha Starr.
Who's she? She's an actress.
Touted to be the next big thing.
She's pretty 'big' now.
Wait.
Is she a porn star? No, she's an actress, uh uh in adult films.
With over a quarter of a million followers now looking at your sunglasses.
I can assure you they won't be looking at her sunglasses.
Take it down.
- (HORN HONKS) - Uh Hang on there, Carla.
You are already getting hundreds of likes here.
If that money's not back in my account within the hour, I'm suing.
- Oh, let's not be - (HANGS UP) premature, Carla.
Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Wash Don Angel.
Don, it's Liliana from City Range Rover.
Yes, Liliana.
Look, I understand that finance might be a problem Not for me.
Easiest part of my day, Liliana.
Right.
It's just that you said you'd be back by midday, and it's now two o'clock, so Did you stop selling cars at midday, Liliana? No.
Then I don't see what the problem is.
Bye-bye.
(HORN HONKS) (GUT RUMBLES AND BUBBLES LOUDLY) - Gross, you pig.
- (RUMBLING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) - (PHONE RINGS) - RAY: Don? Alright, Ray.
You stitch up Bacchus Marsh and I'm prepared to take Leslie on.
But can we talk bathrooms? Does he get to use both? I tell you - what I'll call you back.
Hey Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RAY: Well, thank you so much for coming back in.
We're not going to be bullied into this, Ray.
No, of course not.
Don's not here now.
And why should we go with you and not one of the other mobs? Well, I think we have the special formula.
In terms of clickbait on the internet, the top two are pets and sex.
The genius of Don was putting them together.
On the logo, not in reality.
Anyway, in the last couple of years, it's taken off.
And have you always been in the dog wash trade? No, I ended up here for personal reasons.
Oh, and what are they, Ray? Well, I needed to support Leslie, especially after Janet left me.
Your wife? No, she left me some years before that.
And and Leslie's your daughter? Yes and no.
Well, no and no, really.
I thought she was, and then I found out she wasn't.
Then I got depressed, then I couldn't work.
Then I met Don.
Oh.
Then my new partner, Janet, left me for a Tasmanian banjo player.
Then Leslie revealed that she was transitioning to a man.
So not only isn't she my daughter, she isn't my daughter.
He isn't my son.
- We'll take Bacchus Marsh, Ray.
- (SIGHS) LILIANA: OK, that's $285,000.
Two hundred and eighty? $50,700 luxury what? I'm sorry - I assumed you knew this vehicle would attract the luxury car tax.
What, so because I'm successful, I have to be punished? Is that This is this is just tall poppy syndrome.
I mean, if they don't want me to buy an imported car, then, you know, fucking make one here.
Well, there are exemptions.
For example, if you were using the vehicle as an ambulance to transport sick animals.
(PHONE CHIMES) - Are you taking the piss, or? - (PHONE CHIMES) Hello, Don? Luxury car tax, Kim.
Did did you miss that lecture? We don't cover that till third year.
Well, you might be deported by then.
OK, got it.
Can you convert the car so that it has disabled access? - For Ray? - For tax purposes.
Wait could the car be a commercial vehicle? It bloody well could be.
I'm just using it to deliver quality homewares at unbeatable prices.
You are a genius, Kimbo.
Kim Jong-un's loss is Don Angel's gain.
Actually my family's from South Korea - (CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS) - Yes.
- Don's Dirty Dog - Oh! Here we go.
I am ready to give you the ride of your life, and I hope shortly afterwards you will do the same for me.
BRIDGET: I can't come.
What? (QUIETLY) Darren's back early.
He wants a night in.
What a fucking prick.
I'm sorry, babe.
I so wanna be there with you.
No biggy.
I'll make it up to you.
Could you take Sam as your plus one? Oh, I'll probably just find someone on Tinder or something.
My profile's been getting quite a few swipes lately, so that's (HANGS UP) No, just uh, sorry, can you just leave that, please? Just pop that back? Actually, can you change that three to an eight? I mean, I could not care less that she is with Darren tonight because I was a free man, and we had a great time, didn't we? Well maybe it's just a pop-up relationship.
Do you think she'll ever actually leave him? Of course she'll bloody leave him, but she can't until he's done the fitouts in all her shops.
(PHONE RINGS) Well, it's just that there are other carpenters.
Has she tried Yelp? It's basic economics, Ray.
Other carpenters won't do it for free because she's not married to them.
SAM: Rayonce, what up? Put her on speaker.
Hey, Sammy.
Bad luck on the award again, D-man.
It's all rigged, Sammy.
Ray, tell Leslie I got his shades back.
Oh, you can tell him yourself at work.
Do you mind if I run my Kristie Bilotti blog post past you? Hit me.
She didn't have much in her diary entries, so I tweaked them a little.
"How much less taxing and treacherous "the journey across the Pyrenees would have been "for the invading Vandals and Visigoths of the 5th century "had Elena and her friendly team from Santiago Tours been available.
"The Visigoths in particular "would surely have appreciated the air conditioned comfort "and individual seatbelts of the Santiago 24-seat tour bus.
"Barcelona imbues the soul with a passion for culture, art "and pear and rhubarb gelato from La Gelataria.
"Yum-diddly-scrumptious! "With its unique Gothic and curvilinear art nouveau forms, "it's impossible to immerse oneself in the sensual splendour of the Sagrada Familia "and not be moved by its totes amazeballness.
"Although I think my new Zara top and belt kinda upstaged it.
" Yeah, that'll do.
I'm from the ACCC.
Is that Roadside Assist? Dodge, are you across this bloody Yaytionery product recall? Which one? The pineapple rubbers.
And what happened to my tagline? Your logo was disgusting.
- You have to try and fit in.
- This isn't about your gender.
I can't believe you would say that! This is about you not respecting somebody's toilet paper business.
VIJAY: I'm thinking Coco could do an Instagram post with our new avo on toast cushion.
She is going nowhere near your shit cushion.
It's just that the summer range really is important to us, because because we did miss spring.
I didn't know that the spring stuff had to be ready in autumn.
Why don't you try pretending you're living in the northern hemisphere? Oh.
No.
I'm not going back there, Don.
Don's Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog