Beaver Falls (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Hello America.
You probably get this all the time but still it's got to be said.
That uniform just pops on you.
Bored of hearing it yeah? I just need you to fill out the form please sir.
Want me to put my phone number too? Falls! Yeah! Just Barry? No last name? Yeah.
You know like Prince.
What was your original name? David Fletcher.
But you wanted a bit of pizzazz so you changed it to Barry? It was my friends.
They they changed it behind my back as a joke.
You need to get some new friends.
Do I look like a rose bush? Adil? Do I?! So why are you giving me this shit? I told you I'm working for the summer.
And what exactly will you be doing at this camp? - Coaching football.
- You play? - What position? - Centre half.
Son there's no such position on a football field.
You want to start rethinking this story? What the fuck are they doing to him in there? I don't know.
Rubber-gloving him? Could work out well for us.
They might find that stick up his arse.
You all right mate? Mother Fuckers! Did they fiddle with your bottom? Shall we get you a special cushion? Yeah isn't racial profiling hilarious? Yeah you wait till they start targeting the badly dressed.
You all right back there? Never better.
Whoa.
Where did you get that from? I brought it with me.
Barry if you get caught with that It's just a bit of weed man.
Relax.
I taped it under my deodorant.
It's out of order mate.
I mean if you got deodorant use it.
We're down with the beautiful people now boys.
This is how the other half live.
Yeah? Well how rich are we talking? Porno rich.
Won't be one kid here whose folks aren't millionaires.
Good work man good work! So if this place is really all that why are they employing us? Cos I said to them on the phone I said all we want is a chance to rise above our humble origins to be all we can be.
To be judged not on the content of our wallets but on the content of our characters.
To live the American dream.
You are so full of shit.
It beats stacking shelves down Asda.
Episode 1x01 Ground rules gentlemen.
No alcohol.
No drugs.
No sex.
Curfew is 10pm.
Anyone caught fraternising with the opposite sex after that big trouble.
These are young impressionable minds.
But one day soon these kids will be running the world and I want to make sure right-thinking people are in charge.
Well amen to that.
I'm so glad you share my concerns.
You are on a working holiday gentlemen and that phrase the word "working" comes before the word "holiday" yes? But let's be clear.
Any one of you breaks my rules and all three of you will be on the first plane home.
Dismissed.
Man we could have some parties in here.
Well not according to this.
I mean who are the beds for anyway? The kids.
We get five kids to look after.
I told you that didn't I? Whoa you didn't say we were sleeping in with them.
Didn't I? Where did you think we were going to be? Well I don't know.
In a room on our own.
A bit of privacy.
So if we're working all day and then looking after the kids the rest of the time at what exact point are we supposed to have this awesome summer you sold us? Guys have I ever let you down? BOTH: Yes.
They're teenagers yeah? They want to get wasted and get off with people.
And by happy coincidence so do we.
There's a beautiful synergy here.
They won't want us cramping their style and vice versa.
And what about me? What about you? My thing.
The sleepwalking? OK I admit I'd forgotten about that.
Oh fucking classic.
Hey this has got disaster written all over it.
Let's worry about the kids when they get here OK? Now are we going to break the ice with our new colleagues or what? Oh hold on.
I have to get ready first.
Who said the art of seduction was dead? That's really going to impress the beautiful people.
Yeah well bearing in mind the drunken orgy you sold us is rapidly turning into a crapfest I have my doubts as to how beautiful they'll be anyway.
OK I take it back.
What's great about this is how I fit seamlessly in.
Hello ladies.
Well rule three Flynn.
No sex remember? Zoinks.
Check it out two o'clock.
They aren't zoinks.
They're girls.
We've been through this.
They're not like sausage rolls.
Hands off.
I saw her I called her.
She's zoinksed.
You see this is why you're a virgin unrealistic expectations.
For the last time I'm not a virgin.
Hey just cos your love life's fucked don't take it out on me.
He didn't mean that.
Hi.
I'm Barry.
Hello Barry.
I'm Kimberley.
OK you planning on saying anything else? I'm thinking.
Oh he's thinking.
He's still thinking? No rush I've got all summer.
You'll be wanting some of this.
You read my mind.
One of my many talents.
Really? So what am I thinking now? You're thinking this party's all very well but there's probably more fun to be had elsewhere.
I think you're the prettiest girl here.
OK maybe not the prettiest but you're right up there like top five.
Oh Barry.
You know what I think? I think you're stoned.
You got any more? The trouble is er I'm new around here.
I'd hate to wander off into these woods alone.
Very wise.
Anything could be out there.
On the prowl.
You have no new messages.
Might help if you'd talk about it.
I'm contractually obliged to say that.
Yeah? I er I get paid on commission.
I'm the camp guidance counsellor.
So every tissue I administer every secret confided in me ker-ching.
Ha-ha.
I guess you know where all the bodies are buried.
Well I'm not sure about the bodies but I do know who got to second base with Ryan MacIntyre.
Actually that's who I was calling.
He's not worth it.
Yeah he said I had nice eyes.
Told me I was the one.
I'm Adil by the way.
Oh.
Rachael.
My mates call me A-Rab.
Don't you mind? Well yeah.
Well when the wrong people use it yeah.
Do you want to know a secret of mine? I've been here for eight hours and you're the first person I haven't felt intimidated by.
I never realised I was such a hillbilly till I came here.
Good work.
You know we spent the whole of last summer looking for a dealer around here? Nothing.
It's a weed-free zone.
Yeah? You still came back though.
Yeah.
I loved it.
What cabin are you? Um 17.
What? Nothing.
So who's the hot guy you were with? What hot guy? Oh Flynn? Yeah it's a shame about all the Chlamydia.
It's not funny.
He's riddled with it.
And he's gay.
He is.
All right he's not.
But he is teaching drama.
Oh so he's at least bi.
Let me guess.
You're here to run the computer room? How did you know that? The complexion.
Yeah what are you head of tanning? No.
Guess.
Computer room groupie? Just for reference what would happen if I tried to get off with you right now? I'd stub this out in your eye.
Thought so.
Thanks.
Look.
Just so we're clear me and you never going to happen.
Well you say that now Babe? Is that you? Whoa.
It's the boyfriend.
Course.
There's a boyfriend.
Just to stack the odds even further.
Let me guess.
A square jaw really buff.
There you are.
You're missing the party.
What's up? I'm just making a new friend.
Jake this is Barry.
Barry.
Good to meet you buddy.
Ow that's a handshake.
Thanks.
British right? Nice tan.
You been working on it for a while? Ha-ha.
Yeah.
Barry it's been lovely.
Come on let's get you back.
All right.
I'm only joking buddy.
I know you Brits pride yourselves on your sense of'umour.
Now that we've broken the ice maybe you should put this on.
I don't believe we've been formally introduced.
You can cut the Hugh Grant crap honey.
You're a sex tourist and I'm the kind of woman that brings a hip flask to an alcohol-free party.
Now I like you even more.
Why don't I give you a hand? God bless America.
Attention all staff! Attention! The campers are ten minutes away! Ten minutes! Would all staff gather on the front right immediately! Oh yeah some holiday Flynn! So what are we looking at? That's the one from last night.
Which one? Green shirt.
A trip to the land of milf and honeys.
Mm-mm! Your attention.
Your attention please.
Well! Here we are again.
Another summer about to begin.
I'm sure we're going to have a lot of fun.
But you must never let your fun interfere with your responsibilities.
Because the people on those buses is what this summer is really about.
For the next two months you are their brothers their sisters their surrogate parents.
You are their teacher their cheerleader their best friend and their moral compass.
Remember that and go and give them the best summer they've ever had! Guys I'd like you to meet your campers.
I've got sweat rash.
Which one of you all's going to do the honours? Intolerable.
Absolutely intolerable.
Carrying luggage in this heat? I'll write a strongly worded letter.
Sorry say that again.
I said don't be using my real name.
Yo call me Smallie.
Smallie Big.
You got a problem with my AKA? You conceited piece of Oh I'm conceited? Take a look in the mirror Smallie.
He's every bit as privileged as me.
Despite his absurd cliched posturing.
You ain't careful I pop a cap in your big jelly ass Rick Junior.
You two know each other then? Man I've had the last three summers ruined by the Great Fats.
Ah a literary reference.
How refreshing! Don't patronise me.
I read books and shit This is going to be so neat.
I've never been to camp before.
Do you like rabbits Mr Hussain? Yeah yeah I suppose.
I've got a rabbit at home called Eliza.
I love rabbits.
I love anything snuggly.
I mean this is total bullshit.
There's no way I should be in here with these fat losers.
No way.
It's a social death sentence.
You all right back there mate? What's up with him? Don't waste your time.
He never talks.
What am I? A Mexican? This jacket is hand-stitched.
Hand-stitched! Welcome back you fat fucks.
Yeah we got a whole summer of pain for you guys.
Boys is that really any way to welcome our old friends back? My apologies.
Guess these guys are just excited to be here.
Hey Jake.
It's me.
Brandon.
B-Dog.
There's been some kind of mistake.
Why aren't I in with you guys? It's just a bit of extra weight.
I'll lose it in no time.
Sorry who are you lard-ass? Oh! See all that matters is what cabin you in.
Every clique's got its own.
Got your plastics your Christians your goths your stoners your skaters and then way down the bottom of the pile us.
Ah the Chunk Bunk where summers go to die.
Everything all right boys? Man she is looking fine.
Hasn't been a night since last summer where I haven't dreamt about her.
And woken up sticky.
Who is she anyway? His assistant? Pammy his assistant? She's his wife.
I call shots on them bunks losers.
Long as I'm nowhere near Rick Junior.
Yeah whatever dickwad.
I'm sure one day we'll look back and laugh at this.
You fucking gonad.
We're surrounded by beautiful women but your cock makes a beeline for the boss's wife.
Say it! Say you sucked a dog's dick! You sucked a dog's dick! I actually want to kill them.
Join the queue.
How's Eric? "Come to America" you said.
"Best summer ever" you said.
This is bullshit.
Sort it out Flynn.
Get down! So what are we doing tomorrow? What? It says here "The day after you arrive it's Rookie Day.
"The counsellors will arrange a unique day of no-holds-barred fun "for you to remember forever.
" Last year was awesome.
Jake took us in a helicopter then we drove tanks.
So what are we doing? Wait and see.
Great.
I love surprises.
Brandon! Don't! What's wrong with you? We're bored.
You guys suck at this.
Motherfuckers! Which sick little bastard did this? Who wanked in my flipflop? Jizz Did you do this? You wipe that grin off your face or I will wipe it off with this.
I said was this you! He can't help it.
He's a compulsive masturbator.
He's got a note from his doctor and everything.
This this isn't funny.
It is dude.
Especially because you're in the bunk underneath him.
An entire fucking summer?! What the fuck? Come back here you little shit! Guys I can explain! Open it! Open the fucking door now! You little shit! What's going on? Open the door! Come out pervert! It's all a bit of a misunderstanding.
Dude why are you naked? Fuck you up! Every possible sense! We're all angry now.
We ain't giving in until we've punched some flesh! so far up your ass! No don't.
Look guys it's Rookie Day.
We've got things we'd rather be doing.
Let's skip the foreplay here.
Why doesn't one of you just come out and take what's coming? You know like a man.
We'll respect you more.
Or why don't you go fuck yourself? See this is what pisses me off this unwillingness to negotiate.
We'll negotiate! Y'all can have the Muslim.
What? It's his mess.
Is there a problem here? Oh it's just Rookie Day hijinks sir.
You know.
What is going on? Nothing sir.
You kids OK? Jake take your boys and go back to your cabin.
And you guys straighten this place up.
It's a disgrace.
Bravo.
Whatever cretinous deed you did it's just ruined our summer.
OK I'm gonna say this real slow just in case you dipshits still haven't grasped the basics.
Our parents pay your wages to make our summer good.
Get it? So what are we doing for Rookie Day? Come on guys.
You'd enjoy it more if you put some effort in.
See? It's like baseball.
Except shit.
How long does this game go on for? Up to five days.
Good grief! Hold on! We should be doing that.
You morons are a fucking joke.
Yeah? You're just a bunch of spoilt little pricks.
How dare you? First you risk our lives with your nocturnal perversions and now this sorry attempt at fun hm? We're entitled to a better level of service than this.
- Come on lads don't be like that.
- No you come on! And sort your shit out.
It's nice to see them putting aside their personal differences anyway.
At least we get some time to ourselves.
How about we kick back and have a little smoke? Barry! Do it do it do it! Go! All right next all right.
Wow.
You're a lifeguard like in Baywatch.
Yes Barry exactly like Baywatch.
I only run in slow motion.
Barry mouth shut eyes up here yeah? How's Rookie Day going? Pretty bad.
So you could give me swimming lessons? You're not seriously telling me you can't swim? Yeah seriously.
So there's no chance this is just an excuse to see me in a swimsuit? Hadn't even crossed my mind.
You really are a sad little man.
Yes but with your help I can be a sad little man who can swim.
What do I get out of it? Er I'll hook you up for the rest of the summer for free.
You found a dealer round here? Yeah.
Oh come on.
What's the problem? You get stoned.
I get a life skill.
Everyone wins.
I don't know Barry.
Well what is it? Got the boyfriend? I won't tell him if you don't.
Deal.
If you turn up here in a mankini or anything which shows bulge the deal's off right? And Barry this is business.
Yeah yeah.
Like you said you know me and you never gonna happen.
Right.
Exactly.
Yeah let's go.
All right guys come on let's go.
Keep it up! Dude ball! Oh sorry.
Way to go dumbass.
Hello there.
Hi.
You're friends with Adil aren't you? Yeah.
I'm Flynn.
And you are? Uh Rachael.
Hi.
Are you here to audition? No.
Well that's a shame.
Look, I'm not asking for you to hit on me.
I'm just asking how your friend is.
For your information I wasn't hitting on you.
And he's fine.
OK good.
When you see him let him know I say hi.
And for your information you were hitting on me.
Well someone's got a high opinion of themselves.
Yes, you.
Right let's get pissed.
What are you doing? I'm feeling bad about the kids.
I thought we should throw them a party.
In A-Rab's world that's a party.
Forget about the kids yeah? Remember why we're here.
He's right we deserve some us time.
By the way Rachael says hi.
Who's Rachael? Well exactly.
And there we were worried about you.
Well it's not like that.
I give up.
He's been a miserable bastard since he got here and he still pulls before me.
Is she fit? Not bad.
Seven? Maybe an eight if she wasn't so uptight.
She's more than a seven.
Gentlemen we have something to show you.
In the absence of the organised activities we were contractually entitled to we've spent Rookie Day on line and what we found was most intriguing.
I present exhibit A.
Sorry to interrupt everyone.
Get off! No! No no no.
I got this thing I need to do.
Saima where are you? Ah.
This isn't funny.
Stop it now.
But we ain't got to the best bit yet.
Look you little arseholes stop it or I break it.
No I want to see.
Mate don't do it to yourself.
I want to see it.
I met you my first night here and you've made these three years so special and I just don't want to stop feeling this way.
Saima will you marry me? Oh my God.
Oh ouch.
Crash and burn baby.
Oh man.
What happens afterwards? Nothing.
That's er the last time I saw her or spoke to her.
Great well done.
Now you've had your fun.
You've totally humiliated him.
Are you happy now? No.
I think you got the wrong idea.
Cos it wasn't his private life that got our attention.
It was that backdrop.
Strange don't you think? No not really.
Hm.
Oxford Brookes.
It's just we all got sent a welcome pack.
And I quote "Andrew Adil and Barry have just graduated from Oxford University "one of the world's most prestigious academic institutions" except when we looked it up turns out Oxford Brookes isn't the same place.
Not by a long way according to the league tables.
You have heard of Google right? It's just a misunderstanding.
"Prior to Oxford Andrew attended Eton College "following in the footsteps of Princes William and Harry.
" You prick Flynn.
OK.
This is my fault.
It's nothing to do with these guys.
Well let's see what Bobby says about that shall we? Any need for that really? You sure we can't work this out between us? Oh it's a little late for that I think.
We wanted you to like us.
You treated us with contempt.
We wanted you to look after us but you couldn't be bothered.
We wanted you to protect us but you just made things worse.
So you leave us no option.
Consider this our declaration of independence from the tyranny of British rule.
I'm staying.
No you should go.
You're gonna need friends this summer.
Look I can explain.
Fuck you.
I just wanted us to have a good summer.
No biggie.
No biggie? I just spent all the money I've got in the world coming here.
Fine I'll pay you back.
Yeah? How? Look maybe they won't sack us.
All right they sack us.
We're still in America.
We'll just get bar jobs or something.
We lied Flynn.
Our visas aren't worth shit.
If Bobby tells immigration they're just gonna deport us.
I mean you've done some stupid bollocks in your time but this Why did you even bother lying anyway? Because they'd never have employed three idiots like us right? It wasn't deliberate I swear.
It just kind of happened.
Well "It just kind of happened" is not gonna stand up in court! I was on the phone to the woman and I said Oxford.
She gets all excited.
I just never quite got round to saying the word Brookes.
I thought "Fuck it why not?" I thought getting you away from home might do you some good.
Just give me my phone back.
Oh come on.
Phone.
Where you going? Come on.
Don't be like this.
Brilliant Flynn.
Just brilliant.
Saima will you marry me? You OK? I haven't been drinking.
Yeah it's probably just a stomach bug.
Come on let's get you home.
I just think we should give them one more chance.
Maybe No way man.
I ain't having another summer like last year.
Well.
Look who it is.
You have eight new messages.
Love it's Mum again.
Please call.
I'm worried sick.
Just come home.
You can't run away from this love.
You've got to come back and face Grace! We were worried sick about Are you drunk? The nice man found me.
Go inside Grace.
Drink some water.
Thanks.
I guess technically you should report this.
Oh what for? She gets sent home.
You get a black mark.
No one wins.
Thank you.
Look I I hardly know you but you seem like a really nice guy.
So I'm glad it's you looking after cabin 17.
Oh right.
Yeah yeah the Chunk Bunk.
I've been going back through my predecessor's files.
Seems like those kids end up in my office more than anyone else.
This place can be pretty cruel I guess.
They just need someone to fight their corner.
Yeah right.
So.
I'm glad they got one of the good guys this year.
Er I should check she's OK.
Night Adil.
- A-Rab.
- Night A-Rab.
Look I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I just wanted us to have the perfect summer.
There'll be other summers.
I can lose the weight Jake! I want to be where I belong in the locker Hush now.
There's no need to get all nostalgic about this.
Now are you ready? Good.
One two three! Heave! BOYS CRY Oh nothing nothing personal Brandon.
MUFFLED GROANS Just the way things are.
Now watch and learn! Cardiovascular activity gentlemen.
30 minutes every day available! Heart disease diabetes cancer of the colon.
Rectal prostate.
You guys are fucking time bombs.
Call me sentimental but I worry about you I really do.
Say cheese.
Ow.
Oh! Oh that's nice.
That's Yeah.
There's a real Abu Ghraib to it.
Yeah I'm sure this'll go down well with the parents.
Oh it's you.
Didn't recognise you with clothes.
Ha-ha.
Give me the camera.
Give me the kids.
Oh cos you really care about 'em.
Yeah as it goes.
We love an underdog us Brits.
And what? You think you can take us all on alone? He's not alone.
And like the man said let 'em go.
We know they're annoying little turds.
But they're our annoying little turds.
Fine if that's the way you want it then we're just gonna have to kick the crap out of all of you.
Fucking yes! Come on then! I am so up for this you will not believe! Got a Fight Club kind of mood on.
Do you know what I mean? Ever feel so numb inside you want pain just to feel alive? Huh? No pads or helmets today boys.
Who wants to dance? I'm serious.
Right now! Who wants to dance with me and my massive fucking sword? Oh! Shit! Take it easy mate.
Now as I see it we've got three options.
One we fight you lose limbs.
Two we take that picture to Bobby's office like a bunch of pussies.
Or three truce.
You walk away we delete the picture.
It's your move.
I want to see you delete it.
OK truce.
But provoke me or my guys and the deal's off you got it? Which means you keep your cock away from our cabin.
You! Yeah stay away from my girlfriend.
And you dude seriously what the fuck?! Who brings a sword to a fist fight? You should come to Glasgow some time mate.
Let's get out of here.
And that my darlings is acting.
And the Oscar for the biggest showboating cock goes to.
Do we have to let them down? My undergarments are still somewhere near my lungs.
Nice mates you got there.
- So what now? - Well that's up to you guys.
We'd like to propose a deal.
We'll keep quiet if you agree to our terms and conditions.
And they are? One.
No salad.
Every damn year they try and make us lose weight.
I get enough of that at home.
Fine no salad agreed.
Two.
You help us increase our social standing within the camp.
Specifically in relation to girls.
We can try if you also stop being such cocks.
OK agreed.
Three.
Internet porn.
Where's the good free stuff? Bearing in mind none of us have credit cards.
I was born to do that one.
Four Smallie wants a threesome.
I'm talking me and two ladies.
I ain't crossing swords with no one.
Realistically no.
- Deal-breaker.
- Never gonna happen.
One girl.
Second base? We can try.
Agreed.
Oh and five Thurston wants the bunk above A-Rab.
Deal.
Sometimes you got to take one for the team man.
So that's all? OK but we got some conditions too.
One stop being annoying.
Two if I'm with a girl seriously fuck off.
Three I haven't got the energy to be PC so get used to being called the fatties.
There's no point in being dicks about it.
That's what groups of fat kids get called.
And four.
We only wank on stuff we own.
And five give us the memory stick.
OK but if we Googled it so can everyone else.
Leave that to me.
Degree in computer sciences.
I thank you.
From Oxford you know.
OK fellas we got a deal.
We watch your backs you watch ours.
Come on.
Let's vow this shit down.
Really? We're really doing this? So this is us.
The Chunk Bunk summer 2011.
We few we lucky few we band of brothers Whoa whoa whoa.
Hold on.
What about Jizz? Jizz? You OK over there mate? Or are you gonna come and join us? Other hand! Must stop meeting like this.
Yeah.
About the other night Fun wasn't it? Well yeah but I had no idea who you were.
But I know who you are Flynn.
I know exactly who you are.
It was me who interviewed you.
Eton College? My ass.
So why did you give me the job? Have a guess.
So you could get us thrown out at any point then? Looks that way.
Better make sure you stay in my good books hadn't you? Don't pretend you won't enjoy it.
What if I say no? You won't.
You're on holiday.
That was some wedgie.
- Push! Push! - I'm pushing! - Hang in there Rick Junior! - Oh that hurts! Are you sure you don't need a hand? No we do this a lot.
We got a system.
That is gonna be some skid mark.
And we're out.
OK.
Me next.
And a happy July 4th to you all.
Her eyes are saying "Come and get me A-Rab.
" How much of the time would you say you spent looking at my rack? 80 85%? Mr Spencer.
I'm greatly looking forward to your pageant.
Are you sure this is gonna get us dates for tonight? So you guys going to this thing tonight? - Have you got a date for tonight? - Yes Barry.
Jake's taking me.
Trying to impress a girl.
You really think you have a chance with her? I underestimated you but the gloves are off now.
Wild child Willy Meadows is up to her old tricks again.
Willy! How lovely to see you.
Don't even think about it Spencer.
You're not alone whatever you think.
Now let me reiterate staff who indulge in inappropriate behaviour with campers get fired! Yes? You actually disgust me.
Do you know that? Sync for PDTV: