Berlin (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[MELANCHOLIC STRINGS RISE]
[MOURNFUL MELODY BUILDING]
[FOOTFALLS ECHOING]
- Everything you asked for is there.
- [WOMAN] Thank you.
[KISSES]
[THUNDER RUMBLING IN DISTANCE]
- [RAIN PATTERING]
- [SOMBER ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS]
[BERLIN] There are really
only two things that can turn
a bad day into a great one.
[ENGINE STARTS]
The first thing is love.
But to be honest, that's not for today.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
- You see, my third wife just dumped me.
- [MUSIC ENDS]
- [SIREN WAILS]
- [BRAKES SCREECH]
The second thing is a heist
worth millions of euros.
But that's another story.
Today is a small step
in a grander scheme.
This was gonna be easy.
But if it's a bad day,
you might be forced to
put some guy on his knees,
ready to shoot the poor
bastard in the head.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
This is my crew.
One of only three I've
worked with in my life.
But this crew is special because
it goes back to my golden age.
Before I knew anything about my illness.
Before I was locked up like
a rat in the Royal Mint,
my life hanging from a thread.
We're holding out
for a better play ♪
[BERLIN] This is Keila.
She graduated cum laude
from her university
and is an expert in
electronic engineering.
There's only one thing
bigger than her brain,
and that's her pathological shyness.
Roi.
He has a real talent for opening
locks and for getting locked up.
Hey! Don't touch me, pig!
He hated his previous life
so much that he found in
me the father he never had.
And I found in him a loyal
dog you take out for walks.
It was meant to be.
Damián.
A moonlighter.
University professor by day,
criminal mastermind by night.
And, like all geniuses,
he's a little absent-minded.
Bruce.
He's our jack-of-all-trades.
He can handle anything.
Weapons, heavy-duty
machinery, thermal lasers.
I bet you're thinking, "This guy
isn't playing with a full deck."
[GROUP CHEERING]
Think again.
I tried to tell ya ♪
Watch out ♪
- Here comes trouble
- [SONG ENDS]
[LIGHT CHATTER]
[WOMAN] Who are they?
- I've never seen
- Thank you.
We're looking for a Mr. Antonio Vals.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH] Yes, sir?
I have a warrant to search the
premises. Would you come with me, sir?
[DINNER GUESTS MURMURING]
What exactly am I being charged with?
Expropriation of national treasures,
illegal trafficking of antiquities,
fraud and embezzlement.
You're facing charges
that could lead you
to over nine years in prison, Mr. Vals.
- I'm frightened.
- They're not real police.
Nah. The way they act
Open this door, please.
[KEYPAD BEEPS]
- [MECHANISM CHIMES]
- [DOOR UNLOCKS]
[HINGES SQUEAK]
[BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS]
[CASE ALARMS BEEPING]
And open that cabinet.
Excuse me, miss.
Yes, you. You're not a cop, right?
[TENSE, RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING]
None of you.
So, what's going on?
This is bullshit.
What the hell is going on here?
- [READER CHIMES]
- [LOCK CLICKS]
I bet you're imagining
yourself in prison,
teaching your cellmates
about Etruscan art,
clutching a tiny bar of soap.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I have some good news for you,
Mr. Vals. I'm not with the police.
But in exchange for not reporting
you, I will relieve you of this cup.
[SOFTLY] This'll be our little secret.
- I demand to speak with your superiors.
- Sit.
Don't you dare touch me!
I want your name and your badge
number. Who's in charge here?
Who's making all this ruckus?
Ah. That's me.
- [SIGHS]
- What are you doing here?
You've absolutely no right to be here.
You know Inspector Morán?
He's a good friend of mine.
[BERLIN] Very well.
Why don't you take out your
phone? Let's call together.
We'll put it on speaker.
Okay.
Hands-free. On the table, please.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Let me unlock it.
Hm.
[SHOCKED GASPS]
Nobody.
Not even a signal.
You wanted my name and
badge number, right?
[PHONE CLATTERS]
[BERLIN] My name is
Beretta. Nine millimeter.
And my badge number is
Parabellum, eight-bullet magazine.
Will you require further
proof of identity?
No. No, sir. That won't be necessary.
[TENSE MUSIC BUILDING]
- [TENSE MUSIC SUBSIDES]
- [BERLIN SIGHS]
Graveyards around the world
are filled with poor bastards
who picked the wrong day to play hero.
But in case one of you should feel
the urge to report on
your dining experience,
please provide us with your
ID cards so we can find you.
Now.
Hm. You're coming with us, sir.
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
This is when your head
will start to spin.
[GUEST] No! Please!
Can you feel it? Do you feel
that knot in your stomach?
The dry mouth?
Yes.
You should have thought about that
before talking shit
and playing the hero.
All that for who? Your wife?
- [CRYING] No!
- [BERLIN] No? Then it's your
Your girlfriend?
I didn't mean to raise my voice.
I'm sorry. I just got nervous.
- I swear.
- How long have you been seeing her?
Just a few months.
Do you have any idea
what you've just done?
- No.
- Therein lies the beauty of love.
It brings out the best in all of us.
Even a wretch like you, down
on his knees, begging for mercy,
while just moments ago, you played hero.
[WHIMPERS]
Listen to me. Love disappears, idiot!
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Love is not forever.
You shouldn't throw
away your life for love.
[GUEST SHUDDERING]
- [DOORS CLOSE]
- [SOBS]
[WHIMPERS]
- [MUSIC FADES]
- ["BULLETS AND FLOWERS" PLAYING]
True love and flowers ♪
Bullets instead ♪
Breaking through my chest ♪
Would you ever cry for me? ♪
There is no other way ♪
There is nothing I can say ♪
Gonna pray for all I did ♪
I will beg down on my knees ♪
Never knew to draw the line ♪
Too many troubles on my mind ♪
No regret that I can give ♪
But someday I will forgive ♪
Myself ♪
[THEME SONG FADES]
[UPBEAT, ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[ROCK MUSIC CUTS OUT]
[SOPRANO SINGING ARIA ON RADIO]
We have a new girl on the team.
[WOMAN SIGHS]
You said we'd be five. What can
she do? Sorry, what can you do?
[BERLIN] Nothing. She's here
to observe and keep silent.
Think of her as a thief in training.
Her name is
What is that name that you chose?
- Cameron.
- [BERLIN] Cameron.
She drives on the edge.
She lives on the edge,
and she's pure adrenaline.
But that's not the reason
she's here with us.
She's here because of
something much more painful.
Cameron, why don't you go and take
a seat with your new colleagues?
I'm sure you're all wondering,
what are we doing here in Paris?
[MUFFLED] What could bring us all
together in this luxurious hotel?
- [ARIA INTENSIFIES]
- [BACKGROUND SOUNDS FADE AWAY]
[ARIA CONTINUES ON RADIO]
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH, SCOFFS]
Well, we are, in fact, here
to study our next heist.
A heist that will
confound all of Europe.
Everything started ten days
ago, when we stole this,
a magnificent fourth century chalice.
An exquisite example of French sacred
art. And it's worth 40,000 euros.
Which we will transform into 44 million.
Damián?
[DAMIÁN GRUNTS, PANTING]
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]
This is simply a key for us to
steal 44 million euros in jewels.
Welcome to our magic show.
How to transform a chalice
into 63 jewels from the
royal families of Europe.
Jewels that are scattered
across 34 cities.
Zurich, Vienna, Milan, Saint Petersburg.
Well, that's gonna take a lot
of time to steal from 34 cities.
Our show is for one night only.
[DAMIÁN] But, before we start,
first, we need to age this bronze relic
with some ammonium chloride.
[LIQUID BUBBLING]
[ENERGETIC MUSIC BUILDS TO A CRESCENDO]
[MUSIC FADES]
[IN FRENCH] Father Toureaux,
I'm Professor Santana
from the Polytechnic
University of Salamanca.
Professor Vázquez, expert
in French sacred art.
The rest are in charge
of GPR and excavations.
pleased to meet everyone.
- You speak perfect English.
- My mother was born in England.
- How wonderful.
- And I know who you are.
- [BERLIN] Hmm!
- I looked you up on the internet. [LAUGHS]
[KEILA] When he looks us up online,
he'll find more than 650 references
about us that I planted on the web.
Excavations, publications
in scientific journals,
archeological finds, and awards.
Would you please follow me?
We'd love to.
[TOUREAUX, IN FRENCH] Good morning,
guys. You're doing a fantastic job.
but could you give us
a moment alone, please?
We help ex-convicts
reintegrate in society.
These men are on a day-release program.
Here, we offer them employment.
It's a chance for them to be
successful in their rehabilitation.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Admirable work, Father.
- So true. And very pious as well.
In the archives of the
Cathedral of Santiago,
we recently discovered
documented references
to an ancient church located
in this very same spot.
And here we have references
to testimony from pilgrims
that also appear in
this Benedictine codex.
With all this Latin shit and
history, he'll be so overwhelmed,
he won't have time to think.
And also in this codex from the
College of Saint-Martin-des-Champs.
And here where it says, "Agnus
Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi."
[UPLIFTING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm afraid I don't understand.
This codex is from the fifth century.
But you see, my church was
built much later. In 1240.
If our calculations are
correct, then the oldest church
in Paris would no longer be the
Abbey of Saint-Germain-des-Prés.
But this church below.
[BERLIN] And what happens
to a man of the cloth,
who is so completely
in love with his church
when he learns that he has a priceless
treasure right under his feet?
He gets horny like a bitch in heat.
[LAUGHS]
[UPLIFTING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES]
Maybe we can all go down
to the crypt together. Hmm?
We can take a look around,
seeing as you are all here.
[GPR BEEPS]
[STEADY BEEPING]
[BEEPING GROWS FASTER]
[KEILA] Wait.
[RAPID BEEPING]
The GPR has detected a foundation.
The GPR has one significant advantage.
No matter how hard you look,
nobody understands a damn thing.
About five meters below.
And Father Toureaux will be
there, watching, looking for clues,
trying to grasp what's happening.
And he will see that glimmer in
our eyes, that ripple of emotion.
And he will understand that
he is witnessing history.
Definitely stonework.
- This could be a Roman arch.
- [GASPS]
And just as his climax of
anticipation approaches
- [MIMICS EXPLOSION]
- [MUSIC STOPS]
we pop his balloon.
I'm not sure.
Uh, not sure about what?
[DAMIÁN] Just because the
radar detected stonework
doesn't mean we've
discovered an edifice.
We'll need to gather more
evidence before excavating.
[BERLIN] Toureaux has to have
absolute faith and trust in us.
Because we can't set up
a fake archeological dig
just because the priest is horny.
For that, we'll need
something more tangible.
[RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING]
And why do we wanna set up a fake
archeological dig in this crypt?
'Cause
this crypt actually has a secret
passage to the catacombs of Paris.
Twenty meters underground
runs 300 kilometers of tunnels
that gives us access to the entire city.
What we want
is to follow the
tunnels all the way to
here.
Forty-five meters from the crypt.
Exactly where all the royal families
of Europe will have
deposited their jewels.
So that Uncle Berlin
can make a withdrawal.
What's there? Some kind of bank vault?
- A museum?
- [BERLIN] No
The biggest and most prestigious
auction house in Paris.
[BRUCE] Mm.
- We do have a problem, though.
- Oh.
A problem?
They're not deposited at the same time.
In fact, they'll arrive little by
little from 34 different cities.
[BRUCE] I don't get it.
How are we supposed to
swipe them all in one night?
By learning the date
of the last shipment.
And that's why we are
staying here, in this hotel.
Across the street
lives Monsieur Polignac,
director of the auction house.
He's the only one who knows
the exact time of deposit.
[RHYTHMIC MUSIC ENDS]
[CAMERON] A different hairstyle?
- [KEILA] It's fine.
- [CAMERON] You sure?
Yes. [COUGHS]
Do we have to dress like
we're going to a wedding?
Keila.
Thieves have this ridiculous habit
of either dressing like thieves
or dressing too casually.
Like those people who wear
tracksuits when they travel.
But, if you intend to
break into an apartment
in a very chic part of Paris,
then you better dress accordingly.
Wouldn't you agree?
[DAMIÁN] And with this fabulous cake,
who would ever think
you were thieves? Hm?
[WHISTLING NONCHALANTLY]
[CAMERON] You look fine
Keila. It's really pretty.
- [KEILA] I'm not sure
- Listen, Roi.
I want to advise you that, even in love,
there are lines that you cannot cross.
I happened to notice that you've
been making eyes at Cameron.
No. I walked away.
In actual fact, she was
the one looking at me.
She looks at you, you walk away.
You've understood things perfectly Roi.
Hmm.
[SIGHS] That young lady
has a troubled past,
but I'm afraid this is not
the time to get into that.
All I can say for the moment
is that she's been in
a mental institution.
Considering I am not
father figure material,
I'm asking you.
I want you to keep an eye on her.
On her, not her tattoos.
[THROUGH GRITTED
TEETH] And I must insist
your relationship stays platonic.
[GENTLY] Have I made myself clear, Roi?
[TENSE MUSIC PULSING]
Yes, sir.
[SOFTLY] That's settled, then.
[DAMIÁN] Ready, everyone.
All right. They've just
left the house. Time to move.
[DAMIÁN ON RADIO] Bruce, follow
them in case they double back.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [DAMIÁN] Relax. You look way too stiff.
You're on the way to a friend's
party, not to a funeral.
You're too close to me.
I can't reach the lock.
I have to. People are watching us.
[LOCK RATTLING]
[QUIETLY] I can't do it.
[GRUNTS]
I'm trying to get a small
key into a really small hole.
What the fuck you doing?
Can you get it in now?
- [LOCK CLICKS OPEN]
- Door's open.
Keila, your turn. Go.
[BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH]
- Bonjour.
- [KEILA] Bonjour.
Roi, check the stairs.
[ROI] There are three locks in the door.
[HIGH-PITCHED BEEP]
[DRILL WHIRS]
Careful. Neighbor in the building.
[ELEVATOR CLANGS]
- Hurry up.
- [KEILA] Here.
[DRILL WHIRS]
- Ready.
- [LOCK CLICKS OPEN]
One down.
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[BOARD BEEPING]
[TABLET CHIMES]
[BEEPING CONTINUES]
- [LOCK CLICKS OPEN]
- Two down.
Cameron.
[TABLET HUMMING]
[CHIMES]
- [CHIMES]
- Six, five, seven, eight.
- [LOCK CLICKS]
- We're in.
[ALARM SYSTEM BEEPING]
[ALARM DEACTIVATES]
[TENSE MUSIC SUBSIDES]
[LOCKS CLICK CLOSED]
[LOW GROWL]
[GROWLS IMPATIENTLY, BARKS]
[BARKING EXCITEDLY]
[DRILL WHIRRING]
Are you getting this?
[DAMIÁN] Got it.
[CAMERON] And now? Can you see me?
- Got you.
- Okay.
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[BARKS]
[YIPS]
[MONITOR CHIMES]
[MONITOR CHIMES]
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[DEVICE WHIRS]
[EAGER WOOF]
[YIPS]
[BARKS INSISTENTLY]
[EXCITED BARKING CONTINUES]
[CAMERA WHIRS]
[MONITOR CHIMES]
All cameras are active. Time to get out.
Time to go.
- [KEYS JANGLING OUTSIDE]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[CLICK ECHOES]
Quick! Hide!
Shit! Someone's coming.
[QUIETLY] There.
Keila, the alarm.
- [PANEL CHIMES]
- [LOCK CLICKS]
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
[DOGS BARKING]
[ALARM SYSTEM BEEPING]
[DOG WALKER] Quentin?
[ALARM DEACTIVATES]
[DOG WALKER] Come on,
Milo. Let's go find Quentin.
Quentin?
Quentin! Where are you?
Quentin?
- [WHIMPERS]
- [DOG WALKER] Quentin.
Quentin!
Shh.
- Quentin!
- [BASSET HOUND SNIFFING]
[QUENTIN GROWLS]
[GASPS SOFTLY]
[GROWLS]
Come here.
[FABRIC STRAINING]
Quentin, fetch!
- Shh.
- [QUENTIN YIPS]
[DOG WALKER] Here you are. Hey, naughty.
Do you wanna play?
Come on.
Let's go. Milo.
[SOFT GROWL]
- [ROI] Shoo! Shoo!
- [DOG WALKER] Come here. Milo, come here!
[MILO GROWLS]
Come here. Come on. We gotta go.
Come here. Come on, Milo. Let's go.
Come here.
Come on. Come on.
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
[ALARM ACTIVATES]
[DOGS BARKING EXCITEDLY]
- [DAMIÁN] He's gone.
- [COMMUNICATOR BEEPS]
[ALARM SYSTEM BEEPING]
[ALARM DEACTIVATES]
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[EXHALES]
Where'd you get those
boots, d'Artagnan? [CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[BERLIN] Okay. He's left the building.
You can go now.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[FUNKY MUSIC FADES]
- Can we talk?
- Come on in.
I'd rather stay here. Thanks.
- [INDIE POP ON RADIO]
- Suit yourself.
I wanted to talk earlier,
but they were listening.
Anyway, when I was picking that
lock and you grabbed my ass,
in my opinion, you crossed the line.
And please, don't take this personally,
but I'd prefer to keep our relationship
professional.
It was professional.
I was helping you open the door.
But no worries, I understand.
Au revoir.
Well, I also caught you watching
me while I was getting dressed.
That was kinda weird.
- Hmm?
- Nothing personal.
I was just stimulating my imagination.
When I wake up alone at night,
I masturbate.
It really helps me get to sleep.
There are pills for that, you know?
Oh yeah?
For the insomnia, of course.
Yeah. Of course, my insomnia.
Any other ideas?
I don't want there to be any confusion.
Confusion about what?
Our relationship. About
what happened today.
Imaginary, professional, or otherwise.
Got it.
Would you like to know
about my first relationship?
It was my only one.
And since then, all that interests me
when I'm with a guy
is his expiration date.
Here, in capital letters. October 25th.
So don't worry, Roi. There's no
risk of any confusion. [LAUGHS]
We're all clear, then.
Crystal clear.
Off you go. Time for your warm milk.
You look so cute in those
glasses, Harry Potter.
[CHUCKLES] These are fake lenses.
I wear them because they're cool.
- They're a gift from Berlin.
- Ah, Berlin.
We've been friends for a long time.
- I'm what you would call his lieutenant.
- And do you always do what you're told?
I suppose he told you
to come see me tonight.
Very obedient, aren't you?
Yes, he asked me to come here.
In fact, he ordered me to babysit you.
From what I hear, it appears
you have a screw loose.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
So I would suggest that you behave.
Or no warm milk for you.
[INDIE POP CONTINUES]
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Good night, Mr. Lieutenant.
- I shot the sheriff
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
He stole my car, he stole my time ♪
I shot the sheriff ♪
He stole my car, he stole my time ♪
He was all I had ♪
I shoulder the blame ♪
[INDIE POP SONG ENDS]
[LOUD WHIRRING]
Anything new?
[DAMIÁN] No, they're
asleep. What are you doing up?
[BERLIN] Hm. Nothing. I couldn't sleep.
Have you heard from her?
I have her lawyer's address
and her bank account.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I guess a third divorce
is harder than the first.
But you have to stay positive.
Maybe it's just that you
weren't meant for one another.
I've been with my wife for 24 years.
But before I met her,
I had two bad affairs.
- Finding the love of your life takes time.
- No, Damián. I have to stop you there.
The love of your life is a fairy tale!
I'm sorry to be the one to tell
you, but love just fades away.
The only thing worthwhile
is the beginning.
That's the best part about love.
When every song you
hear reminds you of her.
When you're having a meal
together, and all you do is talk.
When everything she says makes
you laugh. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Mm-mm. No, no, no.
Love is precisely what
comes after all that.
When the spell is over.
Then, during dinner,
you're happy to be quiet
because you're at peace.
To love someone, you
must really know them.
How can you love someone you don't know?
I guess I didn't know
her that well, then.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hm.
But you know, even if my
third marriage fell to pieces,
that's not really what bothers me.
I was looking forward to Paris
and enjoying life as
a bachelor, and then
[TENDER PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
And then I realized that
being alone is just sad.
Waking up alone in bed is sad.
You have nothing to do
and no one to care for.
No one to think about.
No one to haunt you.
You see, it's falling in love.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
That's what I miss.
Go get some sleep,
Damián. I'll stay here.
I'll just lie down on
your bed for a while.
My bed? What do you mean,
you'll lie on my bed?
- Why not?
- Think about it.
The body is constantly secreting toxins.
Sweat. Dead skin.
- Body oils and odors and earwax.
- Shit.
I didn't know you were that sensitive.
What're you thinking? We'll
roll in each other's secretions
in a five-star hotel? No.
Whatever. I'll take a
nap and come back later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WOMAN SIGHS ON MONITOR]
[MONITOR CHIMES]
[STIRRING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMERA WHIRRING]
["PASIÓN" PLAYING]
[LIGHTER CLICKS]
[WOMAN] Bonsoir!
- [TANGO ENDS]
- [BAND PLAYING JAZZ VERSION OF "DEMONS"]
Beast inside ♪
There's nowhere we can hide ♪
No matter what we breed ♪
We still are made of greed ♪
This is my kingdom come ♪
When you feel my heat ♪
Look into my eyes ♪
It's where my demons hide ♪
Don't get too close ♪
It's dark inside ♪
It's where my demons hide ♪
- It's where my demons hide ♪
- [GROUP LAUGHS]
- [SONG ENDS]
- [CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES]
And now, I'd like you
to hear my friend sing.
Camille.
No. I can't. No!
[IN FRENCH] Pass her the guitar.
[SINGING "L'AMOUR" BY CARLA BRUNI]
[SINGING GENTLE MELODY IN FRENCH]
[QUENTIN WHINES]
[QUENTIN WHIMPERS]
[PANTING]
[LAUGHS] That's my dog.
- [SONG ENDS]
- [CAMILLE CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
[GROUP SPEAKING FRENCH]
[CAMILLE] Yes, of course! Yes!
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
[WOMEN GIGGLING]
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[BERLIN] And then, suddenly,
after so many sleepless nights,
- I slept.
- [MUSIC FADES]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Let's pack it in tight.
I got it. Do you mind
getting me the mallet, please?
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. [SIGHS]
I saw you.
Yeah? So what? You don't
like it when I look?
Of course not. Actually,
I find it gross.
I like it when people look at me.
Like, when I take my
shirt off at the beach.
What's the matter with that?
You know what's gross?
You take your shirt off, and
a big fat beer belly flops out.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Before I go to the beach, I
spread oil all over my body.
So when I take my shirt off, my
chest is nice and shiny. [CHUCKLES]
Wow. I guess the ladies like that?
I don't get it. You don't like to fuck?
What?
You talk about it like it's all a game.
Like playing golf or tennis.
Well, it's simple.
You see, either you
love it, or you don't.
Me, I really like to fuck.
Especially the first time, you know,
when you discover those hidden
secrets, those little details.
What do you mean by little details?
Hmm. Well, when you
meet for the first time,
naturally, you imagine things.
And then when you're together, you
discover the color of her toenails,
the color of her panties,
if she shaves her pussy.
You do realize that people
like you are extinct, don't you?
You realize that nobody makes
jokes or talks like that anymore?
You you can't say, "I'd love
to get a piece of that ass."
- You know that?
- That's okay.
I won't say another word, then. Done.
[SIGHS]
This looks pretty good.
Have you ever thought
about me like that?
Well, like I said, every time
I see a woman, I imagine things.
And [CLEARS THROAT]
what did you imagine about me?
White cotton panties,
a well-groomed, hairy
pussy, and no polish.
You've said enough.
But you asked me. Did
I say something wrong?
A big bush looks great. [LAUGHS]
- I like big bush too.
- You're always going on about it.
Sex and stuff and panties and pussy.
This will never work. You're
too shallow. Helmet on.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- Have you buried it?
- [KEILA] Yes.
[DAMIÁN] Good.
Roi, Cameron, mark out the area so
it looks like we were digging here.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Good morning, everyone!
Damián, come here.
It's midday. Where
the hell have you been?
Yeah. I know. I'm sorry.
I overslept a little.
Last night, I met someone.
- Uh-huh.
- I met her in a bar full of smoke.
With people who partied all night
long. She got up and sang on stage.
With her dog.
And all I wanted to do was to stay
there all night and be the dog!
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey. I have a favor to ask you.
- Come with me.
- Come with you?
Yeah. I need you to talk to her.
I mean, Damián,
remember that feeling when
you're completely fascinated
and you wanna know everything?
Who she is? How she talks?
The way she laughed.
Damián, you should've seen her laugh.
She was radiant. [CHUCKLES]
So, late last night, I came
back, but you weren't there.
And the lady of the
house wasn't there either.
Nowhere to be seen.
So, I was wondering. I
know this might seem crazy.
But by any chance is the wonderful
woman you mentioned Polignac's wife?
You're absolutely right.
But what does that got
to do with anything?
Together, we've just created a
beautiful fake archeological dig.
And we're going to fill this
guy's basement with wooden beams,
massive jackhammers, and hydraulics.
And you want me to have a fuckin' coffee
with the wife of the
man we're going to rob?
You're right.
I wanted so badly to meet someone
that I forgot about the plan.
And I put everyone in danger.
Andrés, listen. You know there are
billions of women on planet earth.
Don't go and complicate things
with the wife of the
man we're going to rob.
[KEILA] Psst! The priest is back.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DETECTOR CRACKLES, WHIRRING]
Professor, I found something.
The signal's really strong.
It looks like bronze.
It's a chalice.
That looks Byzantine
to me. Don't you think?
[BERLIN] Father, we'll need
more time for the excavation.
I'd say about three
weeks. And equipment.
I'll apply immediately for parking
authorization for the trucks.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC FADES]
Can you tell me what we're doing here?
Roi, have you ever encountered
someone in the subway or the train,
and you feel compelled
to know more about them?
Definitely.
Well, that's exactly what
happened to me last night.
In that bar. So I'm waiting
here, hoping she'll come back
so I can speak with her.
Just two minutes.
Two brief minutes.
[CHUCKLES] What use is two
minutes? You need an hour.
Have coffee, get to know her.
Two minutes. That's exactly what I need.
When you're fascinated by a
woman, pfft, you become obsessed.
And when you're
obsessed, you're screwed.
You become vulnerable.
You become just another
one of those creepy morons
who hit on her every night.
Trying to make her laugh,
begging her for a date.
- And I am not going to be one of them.
- So what are you gonna do?
You follow military tactics.
Scout the area, advance, and strike.
Then, retreat.
You get close to her,
have some small talk,
and then you withdraw.
I want her to be suitably
impressed and to appreciate the fact
that I'm the first man who
hasn't tried to make love to her.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Not a bad tactic.
[WHISPERING] Oh! Speak of the devil.
[GASPS] Roi, you come in
and greet me like a friend who
hasn't seen me in a long time.
Two minutes, okay?
Two minutes, that's it.
Shit! The book. Quick.
This is gonna be perfect.
[CHUCKLES]
[CAMILLE, IN FRENCH] Thank you, Bastian.
[BASTIAN] Would you like a
croissant and orange juice?
- Yes, please.
- You got it.
Thank you.
- Good morning.
- [BERLIN] Morning.
- [BASTIAN] What would you like?
- Café au lait, please.
- [BASTIAN] Okay.
- Thanks.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Excuse me. Uh, are you Camille?
Yes. Have we met?
No. No, no. [CHUCKLES] No.
- Merci.
- I'm in Paris on vacation.
Uh, my name is Simón.
Uh, last night I had the
pleasure of hearing you sing.
Ooh. I was impressed.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Oh.
- It's my first language.
- [CHUCKLES]
Camila.
Well, here in Paris,
they call me Camille.
- I've been here for eight years now.
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Thank you for what you said earlier.
Mm. I'm not much of a singer, though.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
ABOUT PARADISE, CHARLES DUPOND
Are you reading Dupond?
Don't tell me you like Dupond.
- Merci.
- He takes himself too seriously. [LAUGHS]
- You mean he's tedious.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- True.
- I know.
I keep trying to finish it, but
if I'm lucky maybe I'll lose it.
Last night, you should've said hello.
No, no. I didn't wanna bother you.
Uh last night, I was sitting there.
I was thinking to myself
and wondering about,
"What kind of music is on her playlist?"
And I came up with 20, maybe
30 songs I think you'd like.
I'm not a fan of Spotify.
Me [SIGHS] I prefer vinyl.
So, let's see if you guess correctly.
Okay. I'll give you two artists.
And if I guess correctly,
you have to take me
somewhere extraordinary.
Under V
Vanessa Paradis
And Vinicius de Moraes.
- [GASPS] Wow! I'm impressed.
- Ah.
[BOTH LAUGH]
And you don't have to
worry about our little bet.
You see, I'm actually
here to meet a friend
I haven't seen in a long time.
Wow! Speak of the devil.
[EXHALES, CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
[BERLIN] Long time no
see. How've you been?
- It's so good to see you.
- Yeah. Mm.
- How are you?
- Uh, fine. Thanks.
Um [LAUGHS]
It was nice to meet you.
I hope I have another opportunity
to come see you sing again.
- Hm.
- Hopefully.
Enchantée.
- Enchanté.
- Well, enjoy Paris.
Thank you. J'adore Paris.
- Mm.
- Au revoir.
Au revoir.
- Bye.
- Au revoir.
[QUIETLY] Slowly. Not
too fast. Nice and easy.
We're gonna take a seat over here.
Right next to the exit, and we
observe as Cupid does his magic.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- And how will we know it's working?
- It'll be something discreet.
Maybe she'll look at us
or smile on her way out.
I'll know my tactics worked.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey kid! Stop staring.
Tell me something quick.
How's your grandmother?
My granny?
Here she comes. C'mon.
- Start talking. Anything.
- Um Yeah. Gran. Yeah.
- She's on her own.
- I see. Yeah.
Uh, we try to go visit her,
but it's not easy, you know?
[BELL CHIMES]
[QUIETLY] What the fuck?
What happened?
She didn't even look at me.
Maybe. I mean, you probably noticed,
but that lady is Polignac's wife.
She's married.
So, maybe that
No. No!
Maybe I played too hard to get.
Or I didn't fall head over heels
for her like all the other men.
Maybe she misunderstood and she
thinks that I'm gay or something.
I mean, she saw you
come through the door.
The way you looked at me, it
was like you'd seen Madonna.
You said we were best friends and
that we hadn't seen each other, so
And what's with the three
kisses? What were you doing?
- That's how they do it in France.
- And are any of us French?
You know, it's kinda fucking weird
that two straight men
start kissing each other!
- Yeah.
- We've planted plutonium.
We've just destroyed this relationship.
[IN FRENCH] Sir, you
left your book at the bar.
[BERLIN] Hmm.
she thinks I like Dupond.
[LOUD WHIRRING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Cameron, start putting
down the glow sticks.
Some people have never
made it outta here.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
REMAINS FROM THE HOLY INNOCENTS'
CEMETERY DEPOSITED IN APRIL 1786
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
[DAMIÁN] This way.
That way?
[DAMIÁN] No.
That way.
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
It is exactly here.
We will dig a 14-meter
tunnel at a 27-degree angle.
This'll give us direct
access to the retaining wall
in the basement of the auction house.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
You have to drill exactly
where the laser's pointing.
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[ROCK MUSIC FADES]
- [LINE RINGING]
- [MAN] Yeah?
[CAMILLE] Darling, I'm running late.
Can you grab my clothes
and bring them down, please?
We're late for the concert.
[POLIGNAC] What concert?
[CAMILLE] The Ópera. We
talked about it a few days ago.
[POLIGNAC] Camille, I'm sorry.
I forgot all about it. I've got a dinner
at the Italian embassy in 30 minutes.
I told you it was important to
me. My friends are performing.
Game on! They're having an argument.
He forgot about the
opera. She's pretty pissed.
[CAMILLE] I never ask you for anything.
It's always what you want.
C'mon, Camille. I can't change
this at the last moment.
You should've reminded me this morning.
[SIGHS] So that's it?
What? You don't care
what's important to me?
Just forget it. I'll
go on my own. [SIGHS]
This guy forgets what's important
to her? You, mm idiot.
[ROI CHUCKLES]
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Find my tux. I need my tuxedo!
Wait. Where are you going?
To the opera!
Go downstairs and polish my shoes.
Hurry.
[ENGINE RUNNING]
[MUSIC FADES]
[TOUREAUX] Professor Vázquez?
Over here, Father.
God bless the work of your hands.
I've brought you some food
and some refreshments. [LAUGHS]
Father, there was no need for that.
My pleasure.
In fact, I have a
small favor to ask you.
Would you mind if I borrow the chalice?
[DAMIÁN] Um the chalice?
What for?
Well, you see, I'm taking
a small trip back to Spain,
and I was looking forward
to visiting your alma mater.
[LAUGHS] And presenting
the dean with the chalice.
Well, you see, Father, usually,
we try to keep news about
our excavations confidential.
There are many reasons for this,
but it's primarily for security.
Uh But surely, the
dean will have to know.
It doesn't make sense.
He has to be made aware
that we have discovered
the fourth century chalice
and possibly the oldest
church in all of Paris.
I'm afraid I cannot allow it, Father.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Professor Vázquez,
I understand you want
to give the news to your superiors.
However, this is my
church, and I will bring the news.
Uh, where is the chalice?
Oh!
[EX-CON] And why shouldn't the
priest take the chalice to Spain?
This is his church.
His chalice.
He takes the chalice.
[TOUREAUX] Thank you, my dear professor.
I must go and pack my suitcase.
My flight leaves at 8:30.
Uh, goodbye!
[CELL PHONE RINGING AND VIBRATING]
[CALL CONNECTS]
- Damián?
- [DAMIÁN] The priest has the chalice.
He's traveling to Spain
and intends to bring it to
the University of Salamanca.
In 12 hours he'll know it's
fake, and he'll send the police.
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
[BERLIN] So after months
of sleepless nights
and the exhilaration
of planning our heist,
we now found ourselves on
the precipice of failure.
All because of one man's vanity.
It was time for me to remind him
that pride is one of
the seven deadly sins.
But at this very moment,
on the other side of the
street, she was there,
unaware that the greatest
romance in history awaited us.
The stars had aligned,
and we were gifted the
opportunity to go to the opera.
Together.
And that was my dilemma.
Choose between the two primordial
forces of the universe.
Money or love.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Gettin' out of the city ♪
[BERLIN] Listen to me carefully.
We have to get the
chalice back, understood?
Do whatever it takes to get it.
I don't care if you have to hang
him by his fucking balls to get it.
But you will bring it back to me.
Gonna let the water ♪
[BERLIN] Who cares if
love ends or fades away?
- It's the only thing worth living for.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
["JE T'AIME MOI NON PLUS"
BY SERGE GAINSBOURG PLAYING]
[ECHOING] Camille!
Camille!
[GENTLE FRENCH SONG CONTINUES]
["JE T'AIME MOI NON PLUS" ENDS]