Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Would you do me a favor? - Would you take a picture of me? - Yeah.
You've got to press this button.
But it's gonna be a running shot, so I'm gonna go around the corner.
I want to do a couple of deep breathes, and I'm gonna run around here, and when I get to here, I'm gonna yell, "take my picture!" Okay? Thank you so much.
Take my picture! Take my picture! I'm beautiful! Take my picture! Hey! No! No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! [Twisted Sister's "We're not gonna take it" plays.]
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Hey! we're not gonna take it Do you know what a MILF is? no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it Oh, my God! anymore hit me! we're not gonna take it come back here! no, we ain't gonna take it Say "big boobs.
" we're not gonna take it anymore Aaaaah! [Gasps.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Not another medical-bracelet commercial! I told you to get me a part on "Mad Men.
" No, no.
That thing between John Hamm and me that's over.
Well, he thinks it is.
The judge said 250 feet, but how enforceable is a restraining order anyway? Oh, I got to go, Jeff.
I'm Betty White, and welcome to "Off their rockers.
" Hugh Hefner may propose to 25-year-olds, but here, we prank them.
And that's what I love about this show.
[Chuckles.]
And I'd say that even if they didn't pay me.
Oh, but they do.
[Laughs.]
[Surf music plays.]
Excuse me.
Oh! I'm looking for my remote that does the throttle on this thing.
I lost it.
C could you get that for me, hon? Would you very sweet of you.
Yeah.
Just don't touch don't touch the button! [Motor revs.]
The button! Turn it off! Turn it off! Aaaah! Oh, my God! [Surf music plays.]
Nice day, isn't it? - Good day to fly.
- Yeah.
Where are you going? Phoenix.
Oh.
I'm going to Phoenix.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I'm kind of a crazy lady, you know? [Laughs.]
I like to do wild things.
And there's something I always wanted to do on a plane.
What? Well, it's not fly the plane, so you don't have to worry.
I'm not gonna kill you.
[Laughs.]
I wasn't worried.
[Chuckles.]
You really want to know? I'd like to join the mile-high club.
The mile-high club? Uh-huh.
Would you like to join it with me? [Laughs.]
Think about it.
Really.
I mean, what's to do on a flight? Nothing much.
And what happens at 36,000 feet stays at 36,000 feet.
[Laughs.]
Think about it.
- Wow.
- It'll be fun.
I tell you what, I'll try to get early boarding and save you a seat next to me, okay? I'm going to get a drink.
I'm gonna go get a soda.
I'll be right back.
Okay? You think about it.
Okay.
[Surf music plays.]
oh, yeah oh, yeah wow, yeah, ohh - Ohh! Wait, stop.
- Man: Here, birdy, birdy.
Here, birdy, birdy.
Here, birdy, birdy.
Birdy.
I guess that's why I guess that's what I'm dreaming of [laughter.]
Hey, guys, excuse me just for one second.
I need some help.
I have some friends coming here.
I have no idea where there are any restaurants.
A lot of restaurants on this corner.
On that corner? Lots of them.
All different types of foods.
Okay.
Would you do me a favor, though, when you're talking to me? Look into my eyes.
Stop staring at my [Bleep.]
you pervert.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
At our age, we really have to think about our health.
Doctors say a glass of wine a day can extend your life.
[Glasses clunk.]
Cheers.
[Both laugh.]
Looks like we're gonna live forever.
[Both laugh.]
[Up-tempo music plays.]
I want to be the guy who really loves you [air horn blows.]
Move the hell out the way, ass clowns! God bless you.
are you gonna be the girl who holds my hand? understands who I am Oh, hello.
I'm frosting a cake.
It's my friend's birthday.
There we go.
Okay.
Get in.
It's too small.
There's no way I'm gonna fit in there.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, you're right.
Never mind.
I'll just frost you instead.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
Uh, excuse me.
Can you help me? Have you ever tried these cakes before? No.
I'm not real big on, like, pre-made cakes like that.
Yeah? I like cake, but I don't eat this much of it.
- Oh, for just you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's way too much.
I think they have little ones in the bakery.
Can you hold the top for me? Oh, uh-oh.
Hyah! Oh! [Laughs.]
Thank you.
Perfect.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
- Excuse me.
- Oh, yes? Are those my balloons? - Are you Sandy? - I sure am.
Just a minute.
I have to get this phone call.
Okay, but I What are you talking about? I can't aah! Oh! Oh! Ah! Oh! Help! baby, come back to me Help me! baby, come back to me Help me! Help me! I really need you back Whoa, whoa, whoa! Help! Hey, hey, hey! God, I tell here, give me those balloons.
Man: Let go.
Oh! You okay, Sandy? I've never seen that! Oh, my gosh! I was just wondering, is there anywhere where we could rent a cabana or an umbrella and maybe some deck chairs? I think you have to go to, Ohh, okay.
Okay? You have a you can do that on your phone.
Oh, on the phone? Yes, I think so.
Then where would we pick it up? Would we pick it up right here? Uh, I think there you'd have to go to wheretopickitup.
com.
Ohh.
Okay.
Okay.
And, um, could you can you rent bicycles right down at that place right there? Um, I think if you go to Okay.
that'll get it for you.
Okay, great.
You have a great day.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
And then out here, is there anything interesting down at the end of the pier here? Well, that's endofthepier.
com.
- Okay.
- Okay? We're not actually on the computer today.
- We're just right here.
- I see.
So, should we just go down there? Or is there something like, is there a restaurant down there? You might try restaurant.
net.
Okay.
Um, okay.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Have a lovely day.
Do you know where the closest restroom is I could use? Oh.
Yes.
I don't have a Have a nice day.
Okay, here it comes.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoa! [Laughs.]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoa! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoooo! [Laughs.]
You want to get a beer? Yeah.
Yeah.
- And a hot dog, too.
- Okay, okay.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Bye.
[Rap music plays.]
shake that ass! show me what your working with! shake your ass! show me what you're working with! watch yourself! show me what you're working with! wh-o-o-oa! I don't know if I actually know.
Well, I'll just try this.
Wait.
You have to smell it.
[Laughs.]
Yes! [Surf music plays.]
oh, yeah wow, yeah, oh [darts thunk.]
Take that, Betty.
In your face.
[Dart tinks.]
Aah! [Dart tinks.]
Ohh! Oops.
Sorry.
Your face.
He got the point.
And so did these people.
Excuse me.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
My boyfriend just sent me a text about things he wants to do in bed, and I don't know what any of them mean.
Oh.
Do you know what a "Boston tea party" is? I don't.
How about a "Connie Francis"? A "Connie Francis"? What does that mean? Is he crazy? How about there's a "lemon wedge," a "bagel hole.
" Yeah What is it? I don't know.
I know "rusty trombone.
" - What is that? - Um, I think it's I think it's [Chuckles.]
I don't know.
I feel terrible.
Do you like this boyfriend of yours? Yeah, until I got this.
Maybe he's trying to keep the romance alive.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I guess I'm gonna have to learn the hard way, anyway.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry I didn't know.
- Thank you.
- Me either.
I I don't know if it's bad that I didn't know or good that I didn't know.
- You didn't know.
- But I wish I could help you.
[Laughs.]
Thanks.
- Have a good one.
- You too.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Can I get a Coca-Cola, please? Okay, Coca-Cola.
No, not no, no.
That's hot.
I want a cold Coca-Cola.
Cold Coca-Cola.
I don't want Ma'am, I don't want [Soda hisses.]
I try.
I don't want you to open my soda.
Are you gonna drink my Coca-Cola? - Delicious.
- Oh, my God.
- $10.
- $10? I don't want no no, no, no.
- Okay.
- I don't want that.
- I want cold Coca-Cola.
- Thank you for your business.
No.
I didn't ever have business with you 'cause you never serviced me.
Can I get a Coca-Cola? A Sprite? If you have a cold Sprite, I'll take a cold Sprite.
I'll take a cold Sprite.
Cerveza? Are you gonna speak another language now? Hot dog.
Can I get a cold Sprite now? - Okay.
- I'll take a cold Sprite.
Okay.
Do you have a cold Sprite? Yes.
- Can I get a cold Sprite? - Yes.
- Can you go get the cold Sprite? - Yes.
- Can you get now? - Yes.
Okay, I'm waiting for you to go get it.
- Ma'am.
- Yes? Coke.
No.
Hot dog? No.
I don't want the hot dog.
I cannot help you.
- No, you can help me.
- I don't like you.
I don't like you either! You are out of control! You shouldn't be working! I quit.
I quit.
I quit.
Excuse me.
Are you leaving? [Scoffs.]
[Gasps.]
I can't even believe you.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Miss, I want my soda! Goodbye.
[Gasps.]
She stuck her middle finger up at me! Ma'am! Ex permiso! This lady is crazy.
crazy I used to be crazy crazy I used to be crazy wow, unh, yeah Don't litter, darling.
crazy I used to be crazy whoa crazy I used to be crazy Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I hope you're enjoying the show.
After all, I consider you my friends.
And I want my friends to have the best time possible.
How about you, Ann? Anything else I can get you? Well, um, there is that one thing.
You got it.
[Bell dings.]
[Burlesque music plays.]
Ohh, Betty.
You should see what happens when I ring the bell.
[Bell tolls.]
Hello? Is there anybody here? Can you help me? Yes, yes.
Yes, sir? Did you see a blue Mustang? It's right here.
I know it's here someplace.
- It's right here.
- Can you help me? Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is this the driver's side or No, the driver's side is over here.
Oh.
I have to go to the driver's side.
Are you getting ready to drive this car? Uh, yeah.
Are you prejudiced against blind people? No, but your car's on the curb halfway, sir.
I got it here.
You might want to back away.
[Engine turns over.]
[Tires screech.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! [Tires screech.]
[Horn honks.]
[Rock music plays.]
[Air horn blows.]
Oh, excuse me.
[Air horn blows.]
Excuse me.
[Laughter.]
You almost gave me a heart attack.
[Air horn blows.]
[Indistinct conversation.]
[Air horn blows.]
Oh, my God! Excuse me.
How you guys doing today? Hey, can you do me a favor? There's a really angry old lady in a blue suit it's my wife.
She's I'm trying to hide from her.
Can you just if you see her coming, would you just kind of give me a warning, you know? I'll try and get away.
Woman: Jim! There! Over there.
She's really cra what? What? - Oh, no.
Oh, God.
- Get over here.
Get over here now! Listen, dear I I [Grunts.]
Don't ever talk to me like that again! [Groaning.]
I'll see you at home.
[Groaning continues.]
[Surf music plays.]
- Excuse me, miss? - Yes? Would you mind watching this for me for one minute? I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay.
Would you please? W what's your name, sweetheart? - Donna.
- Donna.
Donna, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
[Door slams.]
[Toilet flushes.]
Phew.
Thank you, Donna, you're a life saver.
[Sighs.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Excuse me.
You got the time? Um it is 12:21.
That's what I thought.
That's what I have.
I'm supposed to meet my old lady here at 12:00.
We have a date, you know? A hot date.
With my old lady, you know? I got a hotel room.
We're gonna really party.
She's still hot, you know, after all these years.
You know what I mean? I don't mean to be forward, but, I mean, we still can boom-boom-boom, you know what I mean? [Laughs.]
But I wish she'd get here.
- I hope she gets - Hey, honey.
- Oh, hey.
How are you? - Sorry I'm late.
Hey, here's the old ball and chain now.
Speak of the devil.
Thanks, ladies.
Ready to go get some ice cream? Let's go to the beach.
Go to the beach? Okay.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Young lady, do you know where the theaters are? The theater? You have to get Do you go in through this way? Right over here? [Hip-hop music plays.]
it's just a gang of us, yeah it's a gang of us "h" double-o "d" it's a gang of us, yeah it's a gang of us I thought you knew Whoo-hoo! [Classical music plays.]
Before we say good night, it's time for "Betty White's pearls of wisdom.
" Now, listen carefully 'cause this could change your life.
Floss every day, eat plenty of fresh fruit, and never, ever text a photo of a body part that dangles.
[Chuckling.]
You're welcome.
See you next time.