Bewitched (1964) s01e01 Episode Script

Once upon a time, there was a typical American girl who happened to bump into a typical red-blooded American boy.
And she bumped into him, and bumped into him.
They decided they better sit down and talk this over before they had an accident.
They became good friends.
They found they had a lot of interests in common.
Radio.
Television.
Trains.
And when the boy found the girl attractive, desirable, irresistible he did what any red-blooded American boy would do.
; He ask ed her to marry him.
They had a typical wedding went on a typical honeymoon, in a typical bridal suite.
Except it so happens that this girl is a witch.
Every young girl needs love and romance.
There is one thing she doesn't need.
Mother, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? What are you doing here? - I'm married.
- I know.
Let you out of my sight for one moment Hold on, we'll be home before you can say I don't want to go.
I was afraid of that.
He has you under a spell, eh? - These male witches are the worst kind.
- He's not a witch.
What? He happens to be, excuse the expression a normal, mortal human being.
Well, that's easy.
I'll just have him trip over a rug and break an arm.
Mother, you'll leave him alone.
He's a dear, sweet, wonderful, perfectly marvellous man.
Oh, my poor baby.
He sounds simply horrible.
Out of the way, Samantha, I'll get you out of here.
- I'm not going.
- Really.
How would you like to spend your wedding night with a bullfrog? Don't you understand? I'm happy with him.
Don't talk to your mother like that.
I'll tell you when you're happy.
- He's coming in.
- I'll take care of that.
Easy now.
I'm not going to hurt him.
Must be the champagne.
May I have my key please? Mother, you've got to get out of here.
Even witchcraft can't keep him out there all night.
It's our honeymoon.
I don't know where you get it, must be from your father.
Certainly not from my side of the family.
Mother, he's coming in, and you're going out.
- Oh, no, I'm not.
- Oh, yes, you are.
One Re, Or Re, Ick ery Ann Phillison, Follison, Nicholas John You are kidding.
I've never been more serious in my life.
One Re, Or Re, Ick ery Ann Phillison, Follison, Nicholas John Queevy quavy English navy Stickum, stackum Buck B-U-C-K spells "buck" And out goes you - Well, you naughty, naughty little witch.
- Please.
No.
You're still very young and inexperienced.
You don't know what prejudice you'll run into.
They all think that witches work only one day a year, on Halloween.
We all wear those big ugly hats and fly around on brooms.
What if he finds out you're a witch? - I'm going to tell him.
- You're going to tell him? Married people shouldn't have secrets from one another.
- When are you going to tell him? - As soon as you leave.
That should solve everything.
You'll be home before you know it.
Mother.
Good.
The strangest things have been happening.
I took one glass of champagne and suddenly I found myself Sweetheart, let's sit down and talk.
What? - You're a what? - I'm a witch.
That's wonderful.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Now.
I am a witch.
A real house-haunting, broom-riding, cauldron-stirring witch.
It must be the champagne.
It's been a hectic day.
Getting married is not as easy as it looks.
Would I say I was a witch if I'm not? I don't know.
I have an aunt who thinks she's a lighthouse and whenever it rains she climbs on the garage roof to warn the sailors.
How do you know she isn't a lighthouse? Maybe you're looking at a lighthouse and think you're seeing an old lady on a garage roof.
- Okay, okay, okay.
My aunt is a lighthouse and you're a witch.
You don't believe me.
Where's your black hat and broom, and how come you're out when it isn't even Halloween? - Mother was right, you're prejudiced.
You told me your mother was in India.
She is but she dropped in on me this evening.
- Here? - Yes.
- Is she here now? - No.
Good because I don't care for an invisible mother-in-law along on my honeymoon.
I guess I'll just have to prove to you that I'm a witch.
That's a good idea.
Prove it.
I wasn't gonna do any more witchcraft for your sake.
I'm from Missouri.
You know what that means? - What? - Show me.
- I'm not very experienced at it.
- Well, you're young yet.
- I can only do little things.
- A little thing will be just fine.
Any old little thing.
I have yet to see a table lighter that works.
Just once, I would like to see Sweetheart, we all imagine things.
Now I myself You may not believe this, but Sweetheart I need some air.
I wish I had a drink.
An old-fashioned.
And a straw.
You're a witch.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Darling, are you all right? No.
No, I'm not all right.
Darrin, I suppose I shouldn't have married you, but I love you so much.
I love you too, but I hadn't figured on this.
I'll make you a good wife, I promise.
This is not something like somebody who just thinks they're a lighthouse.
Oh, Darrin I love you so much.
We've got to figure this out later.
And if you can't talk to your best friend, who can you talk to? I know all about marriage.
That's why I'm a bachelor.
- That's my problem.
- A sea of matrimony is beset with hidden shoals and reefs.
- Just found out Samantha's a witch.
It takes tolerance and understanding to find the channel of true love.
I didn't believe till she moved things around.
Marriage is a partnership, where two people, side by side face life's obstacles together.
- I can't tell my family.
If two people love each other, really love each other, it'll work out.
I have trouble getting my aunt off the garage roof when it rains.
Adjustment, the foundation on which every lasting marriage is built.
Adjust.
It might have some advantages, like if you wanted a drink in a dry state.
I gotta go.
If you need any help or advice again, feel free to call on me.
Doc, we've been friends for a long time.
I don't know if you can help me, but I had to bring this problem to you.
Darrin, that's what I'm here for.
Just tell me what's bothering you.
I'm married to a witch.
A real live house-haunting, broom-riding cauldron-stirring, card-carrying witch.
You came to me for advice.
I'll give you some.
Now that you've had your honeymoon, why don't you take a vacation? Al my wife is a witch.
Cheer up.
You should see my wife.
And I've gone over it and over it in my mind.
And I've come to a decision.
I love you, and I can't give you up.
Darling, I'll be the best wife a man ever had.
I know you will.
We're going to have a nice, normal, happy life together and no more: No, no.
I promise.
It's not gonna be easy.
It's tough enough being married to an advertising man if you're normal.
You're going to have to learn to be a suburban housewife.
- I'll learn, you'll see.
I'll learn.
- Now you'll have to learn to cook keep house and go to my mother's house for dinner every Friday night.
Darling, it sounds wonderful.
And soon we'll be a normal, happy couple with no problems just like everybody else.
And then my mother can come and visit for a while and Oh, well, maybe we better work up to that gradually.
Oh, I'll try.
I promise I'll try.
I'm glad that's settled.
- Let's drink to it.
- An old-fashioned? - With a cherry on top.
- I'll make it myself.
All by yourself.
We'll work it out somehow.
So my wife's a witch.
Every married man has to make some adjustment.
Miss Summers, I'm afraid Mr.
Stephens is tied up Don't give it a thought, Helen.
He'll be glad to see me.
I'll dash in.
Darrin.
Sheila.
Darling, I just got back from Nassau yesterday and I've been trying to reach you.
I left a message.
And when I didn't hear from you, I decided to invade your office.
- Why didn't you call me? - Well, Sheila You see I just got back I was - I'm married.
- Oh, I know, dear.
Congratulations.
Now, I know you've got every reason - You don't care? - Oh, sweetheart.
Care? Of course I care.
After all, if I hadn't left for Nassau when I did it might've been me.
But no hard feelings, you see.
Darrin, I couldn't be happier for you.
And I'm sure she's an angel.
I just stopped by to ask the two of you to drop over tonight if you have no other plans.
A few of the gang are coming over for potluck.
Well, I realize it's rather short notice.
Nothing fancy.
Very relaxed.
Sitting-on-the-floor kind of thing.
Well, that's very nice of you, Sheila.
But I don't know.
It may be too soon to spring a new set of people on her.
- She's not used to - Too soon? Don't be silly, Darrin.
We're your friends.
We're dying to meet her.
Unless, of course, you feel uncomfortable.
Me? Well, of course not.
Fine.
Then it's all set, 7:30 tonight.
I've gotta dash.
See you later.
Boy, some fancy-Iooking place.
Darrin, you sure I'm dressed all right? Darling, of course you are.
Sheila said it was potluck very relaxed, sitting-on-the-floor kind of stuff.
- Darrin, darling.
- Sheila.
Is this your little bride? - How do you do? - Why, Darrin, she's sweet.
- Maybe I should've dressed - Not at all, dear, you look sweet.
- John, would do take Mrs Stephens'? - Sweater.
I can tell you're the type who always dresses so sensibly.
You know, the capable type.
Darrin, I bet she's good at typing cooking, taking care of the household accounts and playing golf.
All those things poor little me can't do at all.
Pity.
Won't you come in and meet my friends? Folks, I'd like you to meet Darrin's little bride.
You must bring Samantha down to the club.
- Are you all right, dear? - Oh, yes.
Yes, fine, thank you.
Now, don't worry about Samantha, Darrin.
We're all going to help her.
Everybody, I said that since Samantha is a stranger here that we're all going to help her and make her feel at home.
Now, first, dear, we've got to get you a good dressmaker.
- But I don't need - We'll introduce you to Pierre.
He does wonders with hard-to-manage hair.
Haven't we met somewhere before? - No, no, I don't think - Newport.
- No.
- The Riviera.
- No.
- Speaking of travelling remember, Darrin, that time we met in Paris and you said when I sent you a telegram? Darrin, only last night at dinner, Harry was telling me that you were the brightest young prospect in the agency business.
Real Madison Avenue know-how.
Sheila always looks so beautiful, never a hair out of place.
A wonderful girl.
Nothing she can't do.
You know, she owns her own plane.
- Do you fly? - Oh, yes.
Do you know Dr.
Hafter, dear? Samantha? - Beg your pardon? - Dr.
Hafter.
Do you know him? - No.
- The plastic surgeon.
Does beautiful nose work.
No, I don't know him.
Funny, I could have sworn you I won't do it.
Darrin, do you remember that delightful time we had with the contessa at Maxim's? - I won't.
Anyway, last I heard they were involved in the most delicious scandal.
Maybe I will.
Oh, and the tennis matches start in Easthampton this Saturday I thought we could get the same group we had last year My house is open.
And, you know, we could have - weekend of it.
Wouldn't that be divine? We'd so like to have you and Samantha over for dinner next week.
If Tuesday's good, Harry's invited Mr.
Donahue.
Samantha and I would be glad to come to dinner.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Rutherford - Remember how cozy it was sitting by the fire, Darrin? How the others slipped away and went out without our noticing? It was beyond me.
Wait till you see the sports car I sent over from Europe.
It's simply gorgeous.
Reminds me of the one we looked at in California.
Gregor is in town.
Don't plan to be home for dinner Wednesday night.
He's having close friends to show his new paintings and you must come.
Show me what to buy.
I'll pick you up at the office at At 6.
My zipper.
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
I thought I was carrying an empty tray.
Excuse me.
Her bracelet.
Sheila! Here, here.
Let me help you.
The soup really is delicious.
As soon as Sheila gets down, I must get the recipe.
It's good.
It really is.
Sam, I'm not saying you were entirely wrong.
Sheila had it coming, but you went a little far.
It was hard to tell which witch was which.
- Sam.
- Just a little play on words.
I'm only trying to say that you broke your promise.
- You gave me your word, no more - Stuff.
It's harder to break the habit than I thought.
Well, you can do it.
I've got a lot of faith in you.
Thank you, darling.
Well, it's bedtime.
I've just got to get this kitchen cleaned up.
- Tomorrow.
- That's what you said last night.
Yeah.
Well Don't take too long.
Oh, well.
Maybe I can taper off.