Big Day s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
8:00AM alice? Down here.
honey what you doing down there? Sit-ups.
I did something really bad with ice cream last night, after everyone went to bed.
Now I'm never gonna fit in my dress.
You are gonna look amazing.
Now come on.
Come on,come on, come on.
allight.
He we go.
What are you doing? What? I'm just trying to have at you one last time as a single lady.
- No,danny- - oh,come on.
You know I can't control myself around your whole glittery butterfly collection.
We are at my parents' house - come on.
- And you know their rule.
All right.
Fine.
Just let me get to second base,huh? Ow! Look, I love you a lot, and we are ten hours away from getting married.
But if anything goes wrong before then, I feel like I could snap in a pretty scary way.
All right.
Probably best I don't see that until after the wedding you know, we both sign the papers.
wait,is that skobo in my sister's room? Last night was beyond great.
you're not some distant cousin of mine,are you? 'Cause that would make what we've done very wrong.
N- no.
I'm-I'm-I'm jay.
Jay skobinsky.
Skobo.
I'm danny's best friend from camp.
I live in chicago anything? No? Wow.
Too much rum.
Hi.
I'm becca.
Hi.
We probably should have done that before I tied you to my childhood bed.
Yeah,you were one drunk little minx last night.
I mean, you had stuff going on, you know that? oh,god.
You were really,like,working.
You were like a drunk little woodchuck.
You know, just kind of building a dam and getting all the stuff together,like a woodchuck? Yeah,but like a sexy woodchuck.
Like ohthat's great.
My baby sister's getting married toy, and I'm the minx-y, still single, just-slept-with-a-stranger "woodchuck.
" Awesome.
Wait! Wait,wait,wait,wait.
My contact lenses! excuse me? I didn't have my case with me here last night, and I put my contact lenses in the glass.
I drank your contacts? I don't have my glasses here! I am legally blind without my glasses! so I have broken down the day into 10-minute increments.
At 8:10,my daughter's dress is arriving, and then for the centerpieces, the twigs,votives, burnt orange velvet and pheasant feathers.
8:10-centerpiece and dress arrival.
Repeat - 8:10 for the centerpiece and the lacy lady.
Oh,there she is! I can't believe it's my little girl's wedding day.
All right, everything's under control.
You just relax, have some coffee, and in four minutes, a woman named lupe is coming here to pluck you.
Now just to review the timetable for the party,um during the first dance, we'll be bringing out the baby field green salad with the poached pear vinaigrette- I'm sorry,what- what's the salad? Baby field greens with poached pear vinaigrette.
It was supposed to be caesar salad.
Was it? Hmm.
Yeah.
Remember at the tasting,we decided.
I'm sorry.
I- I guess I was unaware that any final decision had been made.
Well,maybe I was confused, because I just can't imagine caesar being served at a wedding.
It's just so wrong.
You weren't confused.
You've had it out for caesar salad since day one.
What is so wrong with a caesar salad? It's heavy,it's creamy, and croutons? We have people flying into this wedding from canada.
We don't want a baby field green salad with poached pear vinaigrette, okay? We don't want it to be so fancy.
We're simple people.
We want a simple caesar salad.
Okay.
Honey,honey,honey.
I- I don't want to fight with you on your wedding day.
I hear you, and we will do everything in our powerto make this right.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey,dad.
Where were you? There she is.
I got called into the hospital.
Nothing major-some ambassador's got hydrocephalus.
Had to put a shot in his brain.
And I got bagels.
Oh,yum.
Oh,steve, did you get chance to look over that timetable,because- oh,yeah.
Yeah,I know.
At 8:42,I'm scheduled to wipe myself.
neither of you has any idea what I do for this family.
oh,wow.
Did I sleep great downstairs until just now.
There's my sweet-ass bride.
Mwah.
Steve-o! The doctor.
"doctor.
" "Doctor.
" "Doctor.
" And "doctor.
" What do you got going there? Oh,it's just a bit from an old chevy chase movie.
Me and my friends- we used to do it all the time.
We can get it going ifou want,huh? "Doctor.
" "Doctor.
" Not gonna be our thing.
It's not gonna be our thing.
That's cool.
Hey.
Want to take a little father-daughter walk? Sure.
Oh,daughter 'cause I'm a boy.
Yeah.
So I need to make a final decision about my hair.
You know, an updo's so elegant, but down is just more me, you know? That's how iear it every day,so what do you think? Ah I don't think you should marry this guy.
What? Yeah,I think you might be ruining your life.
But I don't want this to become a whole big thing.
How's it going? I can't believe you're telling me this on my wedding day.
Alice,you're my baby.
I just want you to be happy.
I mean,danny's a lot of fun, but there are realities in life.
And what does he do for a living? He's a camp counselor? No,he's not just a counselor.
He works for tm year-round.
He does the reunion and the newsletter.
He picks the play.
They did "pippin" last year.
That was his idea.
"Pippin.
" I pluck bride? Not right now.
And what'd you tell me? He wants to walk down the aisle to a theme song from a tv show? He's not an adult.
Okay,first of all, "what's happening!" Was a great show.
Do you even know the show? Do you know anything about it? I didn't think so.
The point is, it was danny's favorite show when he was little, and so he took its delightful theme song and made it his theme song.
See,most adults don't have theme songs.
Dad,you are the most important person in the world to me.
But I'm marrying danny tonight whether you like it or not.
Okay.
Good talk.
I pluck bride? I'm sorry,jane.
He's not right for her.
Damn it,steve.
If you had to say something, why couldn't you do it before I committed $4,000 to a crepe station? Sorry to interrupt.
The boutonnieres,bouquets and centerpieces are here.
No,no,no,no,no.
Our look is whimsical and woodsy.
You know,like we're in "a midsummer night's dream.
" How is this whimsical? Well,uh tiny pomegranates- those are awfully fun.
You will never see this again.
You really think she should marry this guy? I have been working on this wedding for a year and a half.
I have had things done to my face and neck to get ready for it.
Yes,I think she should marry this guy.
And besides,you know, I've always liked him.
Tell me why again.
Well, alice can get very uptight and stressed out, and danny just really seems to mellow her out,you know? I think he's a good choice for her.
It's not the choice I made, but I think for her- oh,my god.
I just got it.
What? Why you defended danny all these years.
He reminds you of your little ex,bob baron, the one who use to mellow u out with his wacky weed.
Oh,come on,steve.
Could we please not start with your insane jealousy #sover bob baron again? Hey,if it's so insane, let me ask you something.
Why did we have to invite him to the wedding,huh? Every time we tried to cut the list- "don't cut bob baron.
" No.
You made me cut my cousin who rescues injured birds, and he loves weddings.
Bob is my friend.
We broke up years before you and I met.
I love you.
And I'm not mellow anymore.
I am the uptight, stressed-out wife you ways wanted.
Huh? Okay? Slowly.
Slowly.
Ooh.
Whoa,whoa.
Skobo,are you okay? Take my hand,danny.
Please,take my hand.
Okay.
All right.
We got big problems here,dan.
Me and your sister-in-law got busy last night, and then she drank my contacts, and now I'm gonna be blind for your wedding,man.
Are you kidding me? No! Okay,this is like fate punishing me for having one too many one night stands.
I am frightened here,dan.
I am so very, very frightened.
I smell bagels.
- hey! - Freddy! - What's up,man? - What's going on,dude? - Good to see you.
- Look at this house.
- My goodness.
- Yeah,right.
So it is your wedding day.
Yeah.
you're gonna be married with a wife forever.
- That's the plan.
- That's the plan.
you know you can still back out of it,right? What? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
no,no.
I love alice.
You know I love alice, and I-I love you,dan.
I love you,so it's jt,you know, so good to- excuse me.
Hey.
- Hi.
Danny? - Yeah.
How you doing,man? I'm johnny, alice's college boyfriend.
Oh,hey.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
So I guess alice kind of jammed me into your wedding party.
No,that's not a problem at all.
I know you guys have stayed friends and everything.
Yeah,if things had been a little bit different could've been me up there tonight.
Damn,the things I used to do to her and then dad was like, "he's immature.
He has no career.
He's not rich enough.
" Huh.
Let me ask you something.
If you really like a guy, and then you blind him, is there any coming back from that? Can we focus on me here? Okay,fine.
Dad was being,uh,dad.
Yeah,but I said, "I'm marrying danny, so deal with it.
" All right.
Well,good for you.
You don't have to be the perfect little princess who does what he says all the time,you know.
I mean,danny might not be a- what,an investment banker or a doctor, but he's a solid, mature,terrific man.
I'm going long! Oh! Yeah! Touchdown! Whoo! Awkward.
- what happened? - Danny! You knocked down our tent! I know,I know.
I'm sorry.
It was really stupid.
Um but the good news is I think I just popped my shoulder back intplace.
Huh? Are you ever planning on becoming an adult, or is this it for you? Whoa,whoa.
Where's this coming from? Sweetie,it's a tent.
They'll fix it.
I don't have it! I don't have- yeah,danny.
It's just a tent.
But what about when we're married? Younow? What about the real world? Jobs and mortgages.
You still work at a summer camp.
W- w-well,okay, unlike you, I didn't have a nice,stable childhood.
Camp was the one constant for me.
And I work there because I want to make sure that other kids get that,too.
I mean,yeah, I don't wear a "tie" or work behind a "desk" or make a lot of "money" or have "health insurance"- it's not just the job, danny.
It's the whole thing.
You want to walk down the aisle to the "what's happening!" Theme song.
Whoa.
You have a problem with my theme song? Adults don't have theme songs! Well,this adult does, baby! And he's singin' it right now.
quit it! Quit it! all right, I got it.
I got it.
Hey there,you.
Becca.
Oh,yeah.
I have the eyesight of,like, a newborn kitten right now, so yeah,so I just called the 1-hour glasses place.
They said that,um, you can't get new contacts without a prescription.
I was like,"are contact lenses really a controlled substance? "I mean,what do you think he's gonna do, "inject them into his arm and get high? I mean,I had two this morning, and I don't feel a thing.
" Yeah,I,uh,I talked to my eye doctor,too, and he's got nothing, so hey,well I ate your contacts.
Know what else I'd like to eat? Breakfast.
um,you wanna go grab some eggs,or yeah,yeah.
I- I appreciate your offer, I do,and-and- and last night was- was really great.
It was.
And you're a very pretty girl, from-from what I can remember.
But this morning has been just a little less great.
So maybe if we can just kind of,like- like,put a pin in this thing.
You know? You drink one pair of contacts ooh,alice.
Listen I know you wanted the caesar, and your mother agreed, but after you left, she told me to quietly move forward on the baby field greens with the poached pear vinaigrette.
So I'm not exactly sure what to do.
I mean,I know women freak out on their wedding day, but this was scary.
It's like from that,uh, movie with the "predator"? No,no.
With the-the "moulin rouge"? No,not a musical.
It's,uh the chucky movie! You know,I mean,alice is this adorable little doll, d then all of a sudden she's like,"die!" Hey,does alice still have those panties with the little yellow bow on them? I guess.
Yeah,boy.
Ohh! I'm freaking out here.
Yeah,this is just a huge step for us,and she told me she hates my theme song.
You kn,that's like saying she hates me.
Okay,that's enough.
All right? I'm gonna need you to listen to me here,dan.
All right? I'm blind right now, so I got this kind of crazy greek prophet-thing going on.
It's like I can see more clearly now than when I had actual sight.
All right,talk to me.
All right.
Here's the deal.
I got a nice life, right? Look,he's got the fancy suits and the expense accounts and the sushi dinners, but you know what? I got nobody to share it with.
Every time I have sex with a woman, I find this uncontrollable urge to run in the other direction.
I was even in love once.
I was.
But she wasn't that hot, so I had to move on.
All right? I don't know how to feel.
I don'T.
But you do,though,man.
You found a nice lady that you love.
You gotta lock this thing down,buddy.
Lock it down tonight! All right? It's time to grow up,dan.
It's time to say good-bye to that whole "what's happening!" Thing,all right? It's time to say good-bye to rerun and dee and the whole little gang down at the diner.
Because honestly, at this point, even I'm starting to think it's a little weird.
um,sorry,excuse me.
Um do you guys have anything that doesn't sound like the saddest song in the world? I'm so sorry! I love you, and I love your theme song! and you know what else? This is our wedding.
I'm getting our salad back! Oh,sweetie, I- I am so sorry this thing with your father and danny got so out of control.
Actually,mom, danny and I are fine.
But you know what's not fine? The salad.
Okay,you're right.
This is your wedding day, so I guess we should just go with the caesar.
Thank you.
Um,looks like we're a "go" on the salad swap we discussed.
Is there any word on that? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh,uh-huh.
it's too late.
There's another wedding one township over- the ruppart-chenoweth wedding.
They're serving caesar.
They have 300 guests.
Basically,they are using all the romaine in the county.
I am so sorry.
oh,my god.
Look,we tried.
I am sorry.
But can we please not freak out about the caesar salad again? it's not just the caesar salad,mom.
It's everything the caesar salad stands for! Okay,you wanna know what caesar salad stands for? Ridiculousness.
It is a riculous salad! Oh,yeah? Well,if caesar salad is so ridiculous what's this romaine doing in your fridge?! It's for your father's B.
L.
T.
! I hate you! Oh! Alice heather hopkins, you come back here! You steve,your daughter has locked herself in the bathroom with a head of lettuce.
What's going on? ask her.
Ask her what salad they're serving one township over at the ruppart-chenowith wedding! Hey,I don't care about the ruppart-chenowiths.
I do not know those people.
I only know that they are serving a ridiculous salad! then why don't you load up your gas-guzzling german S.
U.
V.
With your precious baby field greens and pear vinaigrette and drive it over to them?! Well,maybe I will! I bet those people would appreciate me a lot more than you do! Is everybody okay? Hey,you.
Oh,uh oh! God! oh,my god.
Oh we slept together, and I drank his contacts.
you can tell your daughter that just because she's still upset about what you said about danny, she shouldn't take it out on me! What? Uh Sorry.
Well,folks,don't put those umbrellas away quite yet 'cause we could have a wet one today.
I pluck bride? ahh steve-o,buddy, what'd you say about me? Uh bob baron.
Hey,it's janie.
Are you in town yet? Yeah,just checked in.
You sound kinda stressed.
Yeah,I am.
Hey,are you bringing the good stuff? Oh,yeah.
honey what you doing down there? Sit-ups.
I did something really bad with ice cream last night, after everyone went to bed.
Now I'm never gonna fit in my dress.
You are gonna look amazing.
Now come on.
Come on,come on, come on.
allight.
He we go.
What are you doing? What? I'm just trying to have at you one last time as a single lady.
- No,danny- - oh,come on.
You know I can't control myself around your whole glittery butterfly collection.
We are at my parents' house - come on.
- And you know their rule.
All right.
Fine.
Just let me get to second base,huh? Ow! Look, I love you a lot, and we are ten hours away from getting married.
But if anything goes wrong before then, I feel like I could snap in a pretty scary way.
All right.
Probably best I don't see that until after the wedding you know, we both sign the papers.
wait,is that skobo in my sister's room? Last night was beyond great.
you're not some distant cousin of mine,are you? 'Cause that would make what we've done very wrong.
N- no.
I'm-I'm-I'm jay.
Jay skobinsky.
Skobo.
I'm danny's best friend from camp.
I live in chicago anything? No? Wow.
Too much rum.
Hi.
I'm becca.
Hi.
We probably should have done that before I tied you to my childhood bed.
Yeah,you were one drunk little minx last night.
I mean, you had stuff going on, you know that? oh,god.
You were really,like,working.
You were like a drunk little woodchuck.
You know, just kind of building a dam and getting all the stuff together,like a woodchuck? Yeah,but like a sexy woodchuck.
Like ohthat's great.
My baby sister's getting married toy, and I'm the minx-y, still single, just-slept-with-a-stranger "woodchuck.
" Awesome.
Wait! Wait,wait,wait,wait.
My contact lenses! excuse me? I didn't have my case with me here last night, and I put my contact lenses in the glass.
I drank your contacts? I don't have my glasses here! I am legally blind without my glasses! so I have broken down the day into 10-minute increments.
At 8:10,my daughter's dress is arriving, and then for the centerpieces, the twigs,votives, burnt orange velvet and pheasant feathers.
8:10-centerpiece and dress arrival.
Repeat - 8:10 for the centerpiece and the lacy lady.
Oh,there she is! I can't believe it's my little girl's wedding day.
All right, everything's under control.
You just relax, have some coffee, and in four minutes, a woman named lupe is coming here to pluck you.
Now just to review the timetable for the party,um during the first dance, we'll be bringing out the baby field green salad with the poached pear vinaigrette- I'm sorry,what- what's the salad? Baby field greens with poached pear vinaigrette.
It was supposed to be caesar salad.
Was it? Hmm.
Yeah.
Remember at the tasting,we decided.
I'm sorry.
I- I guess I was unaware that any final decision had been made.
Well,maybe I was confused, because I just can't imagine caesar being served at a wedding.
It's just so wrong.
You weren't confused.
You've had it out for caesar salad since day one.
What is so wrong with a caesar salad? It's heavy,it's creamy, and croutons? We have people flying into this wedding from canada.
We don't want a baby field green salad with poached pear vinaigrette, okay? We don't want it to be so fancy.
We're simple people.
We want a simple caesar salad.
Okay.
Honey,honey,honey.
I- I don't want to fight with you on your wedding day.
I hear you, and we will do everything in our powerto make this right.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey,dad.
Where were you? There she is.
I got called into the hospital.
Nothing major-some ambassador's got hydrocephalus.
Had to put a shot in his brain.
And I got bagels.
Oh,yum.
Oh,steve, did you get chance to look over that timetable,because- oh,yeah.
Yeah,I know.
At 8:42,I'm scheduled to wipe myself.
neither of you has any idea what I do for this family.
oh,wow.
Did I sleep great downstairs until just now.
There's my sweet-ass bride.
Mwah.
Steve-o! The doctor.
"doctor.
" "Doctor.
" "Doctor.
" And "doctor.
" What do you got going there? Oh,it's just a bit from an old chevy chase movie.
Me and my friends- we used to do it all the time.
We can get it going ifou want,huh? "Doctor.
" "Doctor.
" Not gonna be our thing.
It's not gonna be our thing.
That's cool.
Hey.
Want to take a little father-daughter walk? Sure.
Oh,daughter 'cause I'm a boy.
Yeah.
So I need to make a final decision about my hair.
You know, an updo's so elegant, but down is just more me, you know? That's how iear it every day,so what do you think? Ah I don't think you should marry this guy.
What? Yeah,I think you might be ruining your life.
But I don't want this to become a whole big thing.
How's it going? I can't believe you're telling me this on my wedding day.
Alice,you're my baby.
I just want you to be happy.
I mean,danny's a lot of fun, but there are realities in life.
And what does he do for a living? He's a camp counselor? No,he's not just a counselor.
He works for tm year-round.
He does the reunion and the newsletter.
He picks the play.
They did "pippin" last year.
That was his idea.
"Pippin.
" I pluck bride? Not right now.
And what'd you tell me? He wants to walk down the aisle to a theme song from a tv show? He's not an adult.
Okay,first of all, "what's happening!" Was a great show.
Do you even know the show? Do you know anything about it? I didn't think so.
The point is, it was danny's favorite show when he was little, and so he took its delightful theme song and made it his theme song.
See,most adults don't have theme songs.
Dad,you are the most important person in the world to me.
But I'm marrying danny tonight whether you like it or not.
Okay.
Good talk.
I pluck bride? I'm sorry,jane.
He's not right for her.
Damn it,steve.
If you had to say something, why couldn't you do it before I committed $4,000 to a crepe station? Sorry to interrupt.
The boutonnieres,bouquets and centerpieces are here.
No,no,no,no,no.
Our look is whimsical and woodsy.
You know,like we're in "a midsummer night's dream.
" How is this whimsical? Well,uh tiny pomegranates- those are awfully fun.
You will never see this again.
You really think she should marry this guy? I have been working on this wedding for a year and a half.
I have had things done to my face and neck to get ready for it.
Yes,I think she should marry this guy.
And besides,you know, I've always liked him.
Tell me why again.
Well, alice can get very uptight and stressed out, and danny just really seems to mellow her out,you know? I think he's a good choice for her.
It's not the choice I made, but I think for her- oh,my god.
I just got it.
What? Why you defended danny all these years.
He reminds you of your little ex,bob baron, the one who use to mellow u out with his wacky weed.
Oh,come on,steve.
Could we please not start with your insane jealousy #sover bob baron again? Hey,if it's so insane, let me ask you something.
Why did we have to invite him to the wedding,huh? Every time we tried to cut the list- "don't cut bob baron.
" No.
You made me cut my cousin who rescues injured birds, and he loves weddings.
Bob is my friend.
We broke up years before you and I met.
I love you.
And I'm not mellow anymore.
I am the uptight, stressed-out wife you ways wanted.
Huh? Okay? Slowly.
Slowly.
Ooh.
Whoa,whoa.
Skobo,are you okay? Take my hand,danny.
Please,take my hand.
Okay.
All right.
We got big problems here,dan.
Me and your sister-in-law got busy last night, and then she drank my contacts, and now I'm gonna be blind for your wedding,man.
Are you kidding me? No! Okay,this is like fate punishing me for having one too many one night stands.
I am frightened here,dan.
I am so very, very frightened.
I smell bagels.
- hey! - Freddy! - What's up,man? - What's going on,dude? - Good to see you.
- Look at this house.
- My goodness.
- Yeah,right.
So it is your wedding day.
Yeah.
you're gonna be married with a wife forever.
- That's the plan.
- That's the plan.
you know you can still back out of it,right? What? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
no,no.
I love alice.
You know I love alice, and I-I love you,dan.
I love you,so it's jt,you know, so good to- excuse me.
Hey.
- Hi.
Danny? - Yeah.
How you doing,man? I'm johnny, alice's college boyfriend.
Oh,hey.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
So I guess alice kind of jammed me into your wedding party.
No,that's not a problem at all.
I know you guys have stayed friends and everything.
Yeah,if things had been a little bit different could've been me up there tonight.
Damn,the things I used to do to her and then dad was like, "he's immature.
He has no career.
He's not rich enough.
" Huh.
Let me ask you something.
If you really like a guy, and then you blind him, is there any coming back from that? Can we focus on me here? Okay,fine.
Dad was being,uh,dad.
Yeah,but I said, "I'm marrying danny, so deal with it.
" All right.
Well,good for you.
You don't have to be the perfect little princess who does what he says all the time,you know.
I mean,danny might not be a- what,an investment banker or a doctor, but he's a solid, mature,terrific man.
I'm going long! Oh! Yeah! Touchdown! Whoo! Awkward.
- what happened? - Danny! You knocked down our tent! I know,I know.
I'm sorry.
It was really stupid.
Um but the good news is I think I just popped my shoulder back intplace.
Huh? Are you ever planning on becoming an adult, or is this it for you? Whoa,whoa.
Where's this coming from? Sweetie,it's a tent.
They'll fix it.
I don't have it! I don't have- yeah,danny.
It's just a tent.
But what about when we're married? Younow? What about the real world? Jobs and mortgages.
You still work at a summer camp.
W- w-well,okay, unlike you, I didn't have a nice,stable childhood.
Camp was the one constant for me.
And I work there because I want to make sure that other kids get that,too.
I mean,yeah, I don't wear a "tie" or work behind a "desk" or make a lot of "money" or have "health insurance"- it's not just the job, danny.
It's the whole thing.
You want to walk down the aisle to the "what's happening!" Theme song.
Whoa.
You have a problem with my theme song? Adults don't have theme songs! Well,this adult does, baby! And he's singin' it right now.
quit it! Quit it! all right, I got it.
I got it.
Hey there,you.
Becca.
Oh,yeah.
I have the eyesight of,like, a newborn kitten right now, so yeah,so I just called the 1-hour glasses place.
They said that,um, you can't get new contacts without a prescription.
I was like,"are contact lenses really a controlled substance? "I mean,what do you think he's gonna do, "inject them into his arm and get high? I mean,I had two this morning, and I don't feel a thing.
" Yeah,I,uh,I talked to my eye doctor,too, and he's got nothing, so hey,well I ate your contacts.
Know what else I'd like to eat? Breakfast.
um,you wanna go grab some eggs,or yeah,yeah.
I- I appreciate your offer, I do,and-and- and last night was- was really great.
It was.
And you're a very pretty girl, from-from what I can remember.
But this morning has been just a little less great.
So maybe if we can just kind of,like- like,put a pin in this thing.
You know? You drink one pair of contacts ooh,alice.
Listen I know you wanted the caesar, and your mother agreed, but after you left, she told me to quietly move forward on the baby field greens with the poached pear vinaigrette.
So I'm not exactly sure what to do.
I mean,I know women freak out on their wedding day, but this was scary.
It's like from that,uh, movie with the "predator"? No,no.
With the-the "moulin rouge"? No,not a musical.
It's,uh the chucky movie! You know,I mean,alice is this adorable little doll, d then all of a sudden she's like,"die!" Hey,does alice still have those panties with the little yellow bow on them? I guess.
Yeah,boy.
Ohh! I'm freaking out here.
Yeah,this is just a huge step for us,and she told me she hates my theme song.
You kn,that's like saying she hates me.
Okay,that's enough.
All right? I'm gonna need you to listen to me here,dan.
All right? I'm blind right now, so I got this kind of crazy greek prophet-thing going on.
It's like I can see more clearly now than when I had actual sight.
All right,talk to me.
All right.
Here's the deal.
I got a nice life, right? Look,he's got the fancy suits and the expense accounts and the sushi dinners, but you know what? I got nobody to share it with.
Every time I have sex with a woman, I find this uncontrollable urge to run in the other direction.
I was even in love once.
I was.
But she wasn't that hot, so I had to move on.
All right? I don't know how to feel.
I don'T.
But you do,though,man.
You found a nice lady that you love.
You gotta lock this thing down,buddy.
Lock it down tonight! All right? It's time to grow up,dan.
It's time to say good-bye to that whole "what's happening!" Thing,all right? It's time to say good-bye to rerun and dee and the whole little gang down at the diner.
Because honestly, at this point, even I'm starting to think it's a little weird.
um,sorry,excuse me.
Um do you guys have anything that doesn't sound like the saddest song in the world? I'm so sorry! I love you, and I love your theme song! and you know what else? This is our wedding.
I'm getting our salad back! Oh,sweetie, I- I am so sorry this thing with your father and danny got so out of control.
Actually,mom, danny and I are fine.
But you know what's not fine? The salad.
Okay,you're right.
This is your wedding day, so I guess we should just go with the caesar.
Thank you.
Um,looks like we're a "go" on the salad swap we discussed.
Is there any word on that? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh,uh-huh.
it's too late.
There's another wedding one township over- the ruppart-chenoweth wedding.
They're serving caesar.
They have 300 guests.
Basically,they are using all the romaine in the county.
I am so sorry.
oh,my god.
Look,we tried.
I am sorry.
But can we please not freak out about the caesar salad again? it's not just the caesar salad,mom.
It's everything the caesar salad stands for! Okay,you wanna know what caesar salad stands for? Ridiculousness.
It is a riculous salad! Oh,yeah? Well,if caesar salad is so ridiculous what's this romaine doing in your fridge?! It's for your father's B.
L.
T.
! I hate you! Oh! Alice heather hopkins, you come back here! You steve,your daughter has locked herself in the bathroom with a head of lettuce.
What's going on? ask her.
Ask her what salad they're serving one township over at the ruppart-chenowith wedding! Hey,I don't care about the ruppart-chenowiths.
I do not know those people.
I only know that they are serving a ridiculous salad! then why don't you load up your gas-guzzling german S.
U.
V.
With your precious baby field greens and pear vinaigrette and drive it over to them?! Well,maybe I will! I bet those people would appreciate me a lot more than you do! Is everybody okay? Hey,you.
Oh,uh oh! God! oh,my god.
Oh we slept together, and I drank his contacts.
you can tell your daughter that just because she's still upset about what you said about danny, she shouldn't take it out on me! What? Uh Sorry.
Well,folks,don't put those umbrellas away quite yet 'cause we could have a wet one today.
I pluck bride? ahh steve-o,buddy, what'd you say about me? Uh bob baron.
Hey,it's janie.
Are you in town yet? Yeah,just checked in.
You sound kinda stressed.
Yeah,I am.
Hey,are you bringing the good stuff? Oh,yeah.