Billy and Billie (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

[ Keyboard clacking .]
[ Inhales sharply .]
[ Sighing .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Handle clatters .]
Really? [ Clattering continues .]
Man: Oh, Hildy, you can do it.
You can save that poor devil's life.
Hildy: Oh, no, no.
No, no.
They're going away, Arthur.
That's right.
How long would the interview take? Oh, about an hour for the interview, another hour to write it, that's about all.
Well, Hildy, we could take [ Toilet flushes .]
The 6:00 train and save a man's life.
No, Bruce.
[ Door opens .]
[ Television playing in background .]
Hey, there.
Hey.
Hi.
[ Chuckles lightly .]
You're still here.
Uh, yeah.
[ Clears throat .]
Sure.
Of course.
Okay.
[ Sighs .]
Yep.
Here I am.
[ Chuckles .]
Cool.
I, uh, thought you might have left but couldn't find any paper to leave me a note, so you just took a shit there in the toilet as a way of saying "don't call me" or something.
Oh, god.
I'm sorry.
Look, I tried to flush it a couple times.
It didn't work.
Your handle thing is -- yeah, it's tricky.
You have to, like, MacGyver it.
I see.
It takes practice.
Uh-huh.
Got it.
You didn't see the message i left you on the mirror in lipstick? "Do not raise lid!" With the arrow and everything? Yeah, after I found it.
It was a big one.
What? What you did in the toilet.
Huge.
Okay, can we not talk about this? Please? No, not if you don't want to.
I just noticed it, that's all.
I don't want to.
I just went to sit down, and there was suddenly this, like, massive Okay, okay.
I know.
[ Chuckles .]
Feel free to have some orange juice, by the way.
Mm.
And my cereal.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I would've asked, but you were all Asleep? Yeah.
Well, it was nighttime out, so That is true.
Yep.
So Did you, uh, sleep okay? Fine.
I mean, not very much, but enough.
Okay.
Good.
Yeah, me too.
Cool.
Yeah, well, I guess i should get going, uh, now that you're up.
Now that you know i didn't run off on you.
Right.
Which I obviously didn't.
Obviously.
I mean, you don't have to.
What? Go yet.
Oh.
Uh Okay.
Not if you don't want to.
Yeah.
I mean, you can finish watching your show.
Or whatever the hell this is.
with blood on your hands.
How can you have any happiness after that? All through the years, you'll remember the man went to the gallows because Why do you watch this black-and-white crap? I don't know.
I just like it.
It's romantic.
Whatever.
[ Laughs .]
All right, Hildy.
You win.
I'm late.
You need anything else? Mm.
I'm getting off shift soon, so UmNo.
No, thank you.
Just the check, please.
Thank you.
Any time.
[ Sighs .]
Dude, don't make me jealous, like, the first official meal after we fucked.
Ha.
I'm serious.
She's cute.
Okay.
Whatever.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
You knock it off.
What? I just asked her for the bill, that's all.
I bet.
Stop it.
I did.
But if I weren't here, you would have gotten her number, right? I don't know.
You so would.
I know you.
Well No, that's not true.
What, you're saying you wouldn't go after a girl as cute as that? 'Cause that's bullshit, that's what that is.
No.
I am saying that you don't really know me.
UmHmm.
I mean, before last night, it's actually been years, hasn't it? That's true, right? It's actually been years.
I guess.
So don't say you know exactly what I would or wouldn't do in this situation.
Oh, well, excuse me.
Forgive me.
You would not fuck that girl.
My bad.
Billie, come on.
What? don't talk like that.
What did I say? You're very crude.
Shut up.
You know, right after we What? Right after the meeting of our loins? You know, it may be funny to you, but it means something to me.
Fine.
It did.
I'm serious.
I just want you to know that.
All right, god.
I just wanted you to know.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I'm cashing out, so if you could pay me sooner rather than later, I'd appreciate it.
Cool.
Actually, if you could just give us a second, 'cause he's proposing to me.
[ Chuckles, mumbles .]
Oh, sorry.
Hey, that, um Congrats.
Thanks.
You're such a brat.
Sweet girl.
I remember that about you.
Do you? Back in school.
You really are.
You like to make trouble.
I do not.
Yeah, you do.
I do not.
Oh, you do too.
Okay, maybe a little.
Yeah.
Anyway Anyway, so About last night.
Nice segue.
Thank you.
Um, yeah, I'm just thinking we should get down to it before we slip out of here and do all that lame sidewalk shit.
The "lame sidewalk shit"? Yeah.
You know, just hug it out and say that we'll call each other and all that lame shit.
Ohh.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah.
So, are we going to see each other again? I don't know.
What do you think? Well, geez, don't jump at the chance or anything.
I'm asking you.
Well, I brought it up.
Plus I walked you all the way back to your fucking neighborhood.
Okay.
So I think that should count for something.
I know.
Then yes.
I-I actually would like that.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
What about you? Are you up for it? Yeah.
Yes.
I am.
But? But -- I'm sensing a "but" there.
No, there are no "buts.
" I sensed a real "but.
" There are no buts.
UhButOkay, but we haven't seen each other in a really long time, and then we suddenly just, you know I know.
You looked really good.
I was very drunk.
Me too.
I was fucking drunk.
So I'm not gonna apologize.
Okay.
I'm just saying, um, maybe we should take it slow.
Like, super slow.
All right? Like -- you know, like almost no movement at all.
Like that.
[ Slowly .]
Sounds good.
[ Laughs .]
Great.
Yes.
UmAnd we're not gonna go Dutch on this.
That's not bad.
I let you fuck me from behind, so Hey! [Singsong voice.]
You get to pay for breakfast.
God, you are something else, you know that? That's right.
And that's why you want to see me again.
Yeah.
Probably so.
[ Clicks tongue .]
Probably so.
Mm.
Such a dick.
What do you want me to say? I don't know.
Just make an effort and say that it was amazing.
My body is a wonderland.
It was amazing.
Your body is a wonderland.
My sex takes you paradise.
It does.
Takes me straight to paradise.
[ Giggles .]
I have to be at work at 9:00, so Cool.
Great.
Your afterglow sucks, by the way.
Yeah? Just so you know.
Yeah.
It does.
But for some reason, i still like you.
I know.
It's weird, right? It's fucking weird.
$20? You're leaving her a $20? Can we just You so would've fucked her if it weren't for me.
Oh, my god.
Your mouth.
I didn't realize you were such a delicate little bitch.
My feelings are hurt.
You want to go first? No, I don't.
No? No.
I'll push you through the glass.
That's a yes.
Yes? No.
Eh.
Yeesh.
Jones! Hey.
What up, dude? Not much.
What's up with you guys? [ Groans .]
Oh, we're good.
Just hanging.
Yep.
I just finished the graphics for Thompson.
And Keith is What is it you do here again? [ Sighs .]
Not much.
Why is that? My dad owns the magazine.
Mm.
Mm.
Right.
That was it.
Knew it was something like that.
So Keith is just hanging.
Yep.
Yep.
Very nice.
As usual.
It is a living.
Yeah, if you got a second job.
[ Laughs .]
You guys.
Not me.
I have a trust fund, so it Right.
Makes it easier.
I bet.
You know, it would take me, like, two seconds not to like you at all.
Really? Yeah.
If I met you on the street [Gasps.]
or I was, like, a chick, something like that.
Absolutely.
Huh.
What about you, Jones? Jones? Do you think I'm likable or not? Hmm I'm just curious.
You know, your job doesn't hang in the balance.
Unless you say something really shitty, and then I'll call my dad, and you're out of here in like an hour or so.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, no, in that case, i think you're awesome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Next subject.
I have a question.
Mm.
UmWhat is up with Denise? I went by her office earlier and she was on the phone.
She was like Huh.
Hmm.
I don't know.
You didn't sleep together, did you? [ Chuckles .]
Hm.
Dude.
Dude.
Whoa.
I was just joking.
Did you sleep with her? I didn't say a word.
Yeah, but Did you? Did you? don't tell anyone.
Honestly? don't tell anyone, okay? I'm not.
I just -- i didn't -- I'm impressed.
I'm totally impressed.
All right.
Just don't tell anyone, all right? She already is giving me a weird vibe.
And if she finds out i said anything, then I just Please keep it quiet.
Dude, obviously.
Come on.
Circle.
Does her vagina You've got to be kidding me.
Run in the opposite direction than most people? What do you -- what's it called when you're like Hor-- horizontal.
Yes.
Talking about the horizontal vagina? Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
I mean, is it true what they say about Asian chicks? Somebody told me that.
I'm being honest.
I'm not joking.
[ Sighs .]
Who told you this? Somebody That brought that up.
[ Stammers .]
Boss.
Hey, there.
Hey.
Good morning, Denise.
Morning.
It's afternoon.
UhHey.
Sorry about earlier.
I was on with Chicago.
No, yeah.
No problem.
You think you can swing by in 20? Show me ideas for the "carefree in capetown" story? Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Great.
Thanks.
See you, guys.
Okay.
Bye now.
Hmm.
Something's definitely up with her.
Yeah.
It feels that way.
Did you see the way she was walking? I think the rumors are true.
Looks like John Wayne.
It would explain a lot.
She looked like [ Whispering .]
[ Laughs .]
Yeah.
You guys are idiots.
I'm wealthy, though, so that helps.
Helps a ton.
[ Chuckles .]
I got a lot of yogurt to finish, so Fine.
[ Groans .]
Hey, how'd the, uh -- how'd that thing go you had to do the other night? Uh, it was pretty cool, actually.
It was the marriage ceremony -- or, the vow renewal.
Anyways.
I don't know.
It was kind of strange.
Right.
Any cute girls there? [ Sighs .]
Um Nice.
[ Chuckles .]
don't tell Denise.
don't you say another Word about it.
No.
Stop it.
No worries, bro.
Absolutely on the down low.
[ Sighs .]
Trust us.
[ Makes choking sounds .]
That's jap-Japanese.
I get it.
Sideways.
[ Sighs .]
Asian jokes.
Keep it up, guys.
Looking good.
Oh, my god.
[ Cellphone buzzes .]
Hi, Denise.
No.
Denise -- Denise, I would never say anything to those guys.
Unh-unh.
No.
I'll be right there.
[ Sighs .]
Come on, man.
They pretty much hate each other, and that's the part that really fucking kills me.
Right? Yeah.
It's like, "okay, they've separated 10 times "in the last whatever, and here they are again renewing their vows.
" It's like, just give us a fucking break.
Do you know? I-i know.
Just, like, acknowledge that you're miserable like the rest of us.
Exactly.
Yes.
Quit pretending already.
Right? Please.
No shit.
[ Sighs .]
This wine is very good.
Any wine is good.
This one is particularly good.
Agreed.
Mm.
Ting! Wow.
Mmm, yum.
Yummy.
Mm-hmm.
[ Sighs .]
What's up? Nothing.
No, come on.
I know that face.
That's a boy-problem face.
What is it? What? No.
Nothing.
It's just -- it's just a guy.
Uh-huh.
Do tell.
No.
I just -- I, um Okay, so, I called him Mm-hmm.
And texted him Mm-hmm.
And it has been over 48 hours.
[ Inhales sharply .]
So Ooh, call and a text.
Yeah.
48 hours.
Damn.
Mm-hmm.
I know, right? He's a dick.
Guys suck.
Sometimes they do.
Most times.
Yeah.
That's accurate.
Do you like this one? Yeah, he's all right.
[ Sighs .]
Well, that's vague.
Details, please.
Um "Uh" it's some new one? Is he, like, a guy you met online? No.
I mean, no.
I mean, what? He's a -- he's a family friend from the renewal thing.
But he was completely cute, right? Yeah, he is.
Ohh.
It's really annoying.
God, I hate that.
When they're cute Fuck them.
Cute guys? Yeah.
Cute guys.
Fuck them.
I am absolutely gonna marry an ugly guy.
MmAverage to ugly.
Really? Yeah.
Wouldn't have guessed.
No question.
Huh.
They are grateful, ugly guys.
I like grateful.
Ha ha, nice theory.
No, not a theory.
That shit is fact.
Is it? Ugly guys buy you stuff.
Ugly guys come home on time.
Ugly guys pay the mortgage.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
When I am ready to settle down -- I mean, when I'm less beautiful and my acting career is like Of course.
[ Gargles .]
Right.
and I'm tired of going out at night Yeah.
I'm definitely gonna settle down with a regular and/or less-than-good-looking guy, for sure.
Interesting.
And by guy, I mean a man.
Not a boy.
I know what you mean.
A man.
Yeah.
Like a [Inhales sharply.]
Man.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
But rich, right? Well, yeah.
Duh.
I mean, obviously I'm not gonna do ugly and poor.
[ Chuckles .]
No way.
See, this is why I love you, drew.
You have standards.
That is true.
That is so fucking true.
To your standards, drew.
To my standards.
Yeah.
Ding.
I'm loving this.
Mm.
What are you doing tonight? I don't know.
You? Some industry party.
Oh, do you want to come? Maybe.
Call me.
I was gonna What? hang out or No, you are not waiting for some guy to call.
No.
Are you? Absolutely -- fuck no.
Billie.
No.
I am not.
Okay.
Jesus.
Then I'll call you at 10:00.
Do it.
Wait, if I'm not available, my assistant's gonna call you.
And if it's not my assistant, it will be Natalie.
Or Jen.
Okay.
Or maybe Amy.
I'm not sure.
Somebody's gonna call you at 10:00.
Okay.
So you better pick up.
I will pick up.
Okay, well So you get a little goofy when you like a guy, so Me? I do not.
[ Laughs .]
That is goofy.
That's why i don't meet anyone.
[ Laughs .]
No, um, I -- first of all, actually, I don't.
I'm pretty cool when I like a guy, thanks.
Um Um So it's not true, what you just said.
Well, yeah, it is.
Gospel truth.
Like "Moses and his" Oh, my god.
"bush on fire" gospel.
Whatever.
So, fine.
Mm! I see you with your phone.
I know.
I know.
God, who is this asshole? No, he's just one more -- look, nobody.
He's just a guy.
"Just a guy"? Yeah.
Famous last words.
I'm serious.
It's nothing.
don't worry about it.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, sexy Hey.
can you -- can you come over here and tell us the specials when you have a minute? Please? Sir? Hello? Really? Do you think he's deaf? Come on, us? Well, you.
Well, you.
"Time bomb," have you seen it? Does he know who you are? He just walked away.
This is drew Peters.
She's on "time bomb.
" Huge.
Famous.
Are you rich? He's still not answering us.
Seriously? Well, he's cute, so we can't marry him.
That's -- no.
Even if he is rich.
No, that would be weird.
Yeah.
I'm a little upset right now.
I need don't be upset.
I need a moment.
You look great.
Your bangs look really good.
Thank you.
If I were ugly and old and a man -- a mature man -- I would totally marry you I didn't know where that was going.
You made me nervous.
And buy you things.
I'd pay your mortgage.
That is so lovely.
That's what friends are for.
And if I were Just a guy, I'd You'd call me back? I'd call you back.
[ Both laugh .]
Well, that's good.
Sweet.
Mm-hmm.
That's good.
Good times.
Best friends.
This is how I live.
Okay.
I get ignored all the time.
Specifically by the fucking guy who won't call me back, so [ Knock on door .]
[ Knock on door .]
You left this.
Hey, there.
Hey.
Would you like to come in? Sure.
Okay.
I'm going out soon with a friend, but, whatever.
I saw this, and I thought maybe you'd want it tonight.
Or soon.
What with the weather changing and everything.
Oh, that'sThoughtful.
Yeah.
I can be a little bit girly that way sometimes.
Hey, no apologies.
I think it's nice.
I wasn't apologizing.
I know.
I'm just saying.
Anyway, here.
It's not mine.
What? I didn't leave that.
I have no idea whose coat this is.
Is it a coat or a jacket? I don't know.
It's one of those.
You'd have to ask the gap to be sure, but [Clears throat.]
it's definitely not mine.
That's all I know.
Oh.
Shit.
Yep.
Thought it was yours.
Obviously.
But, uh, no.
No, that is some other dude's.
Hey, all right.
Let's not get all -- I mean, I'm sure you've got some other girl's stuff in a drawer here somewhere.
Probably not, but No underwear? Bra? Nothing? At your age, that's almost mathematically impossible.
Would you like to look around? Seriously? Can I? Um, maybe don't.
Actually, don't.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, shit.
don't put it out there, then.
[ Chuckles .]
This really isn't yours? No, sorry.
Fuck it.
I'm keeping it, then.
You should.
Hey, I, uh [ Sighs .]
I got your call.
I didn't You know, i was gonna text, but I, uh Yeah.
I was just busy at work, and It's no big deal.
Are you still at that one magazine? Yeah.
Chisel.
Film.
Fashion.
Fun.
Sounds a little gay porn, but as long as you're happy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, umYou never called me back, either, right? No.
Or texted? No, I was going to, but then, you know You said we should take it really slow, so Right.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
It's my friend.
Uh-huh.
Cool.
I should grab this.
Yeah.
Yeah, go for it.
Okay.
[ Ringing continues .]
So How slow are we gonna take this, just so I know? [ Sighs .]
Pretty slow, I guess.
Right? Right.
Slow.
Got it.
But maybe not this fucking slow.
So Who's gonna tell mom? [ Both laugh .]
[ Sighs .]