Black Books s01e01 Episode Script
Cooking the Books
I don't know, Nick.
You're the accountant.
- These books - Yeah, I know.
- Hello? - I'm not sure.
Hello, there! Excuse me! I just wonder if Hel It'll be different this time.
Honestly.
The accounts are in order.
OK.
I'll see you in an hour.
OK.
Bye.
- Now - Those books, how much? - Hm? - The leather-bound books.
The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- They're real leather? - They're real Dickens.
I have to know because they have to go with a sofa.
Everything else in my house is real.
I'll give you 200.
- 200 what? - £200.
Are they leather-bound pounds? - No.
- They won't go with my wallet.
Next! - Hello! - Hello.
I need The Little Book of Calm, do you have it? I'm late for work.
Uh, Calm Er, is this it? No, no, it's just Too big, too big.
Little just little - This one, this? - No! No, calm.
- The Little Book of Calm.
- Er, this? That's the one! Yes! - Two-fifty.
- Two-fifty - Could - I'll just get you a bag.
No, no - no bag, just the book! - I'll do you a receipt.
- No, that's fine! It's broken.
I'll write one.
Little I'll do it! Calm, two-fifty.
Thank you.
"Let-let-let go once in a while, "you are a loose lily floating down an amber river.
" Sorry.
I hate my job.
What a strange man.
Right, the shop is closed! Everybody get out! - Time to go home! Come on! - It's only quarter to three.
Yes, but it's my shop! Come on, go home! Bye-bye! - It's hardly fair.
- It's not fair at all.
Get out! - I expect better service - Expect away.
Bye-bye! Come on, you time-wasting bastards! Back on the streets! Goodbye! Thank you! Bye-bye-bye! Back to reality.
Thank you! - Bernard, do you want this? - What is it? - It's a thing.
- Is it? - Yes.
- What does it do? - It's very in.
- You don't know, do you? It's very now.
Will you mind the shop? I have to see my accountant.
Will you get an assistant so I don't have to keep doing this? OK, but you have to do the same for me the day after tomorrow.
OK.
Why? - You know Julie? - Yeah.
They're inducing the baby and she's asked me to be birth partner.
Ugh.
There'll be a lot of blood and shouting and No, I'll just get drunk.
In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk it'll be just like the old days.
OK, have a nice time.
Bye.
Hello? I do sell a lot of wank, don't I? So, show me your new filing system, Bernard.
This is March to, er Oobely-boo.
This is Misc And-and-and the rest are, er Other.
Other what? Other backdated weeks, is it? No.
Other times.
So it goes This Week, Very Recent, and All Other Times.
Help me out here, Bernard, what does All Other Times cover? I don't know, Nick! I'm not Wonder Woman.
This new system is closely modelled on the old system, isn't it? I'd go further than that.
I'd say it was exactly the same.
Except No, it's the same.
I just sort of lied on the phone, Nick.
I lied.
Well What? What? Oh, nothing.
You're lucky I'm so accommodating.
Other accountants might Hello? Yes, Jane.
Oh, right.
OK, yeah, mm-hm.
- I've just got to pop off.
- What, now? Yeah, see you soon, all right? Bye.
He's always one step ahead! The cat has left the basket.
The cat has left the basket! Mmm.
Yeah, it's flying.
I'm right on it.
It'll be in the pipe soon.
The best thing is if I You Manny What's that you're eating? Soup? Yes.
It's extra-chunky.
- What's in it?! - Chunks.
Should I be doing something? I have the Gleason accounts - I would've e-mailed them but I had a a lot of clink on the stuffer expander, and, er plug went in some Tizer.
Look, just shape up or ship out, all right? Eh? Hi, yih.
Yuh.
Yeah, I'm chasing up the, er the company account.
"Visualise the ocean.
" Oh, a calm ocean, right.
Right, we've got to get Friday's invoices in.
OK, yeah.
Here I come.
What is it? It's my Little Book of Calm I've swallowed my Little Book of Calm! Is it some kind of bald Furby? Bernard! Early closing? How'd it go? Nick the accountant Nick the accountant is a fugitive! - I'm not doing my accounts! - Why? You can stick it up your arse! Bernard, you'll have to do them yourself.
It's easy.
Yeah, give it give it a go.
I'm sure I could muddle along.
WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! THE WHAT?! "If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not blind " WHAT?! "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?! I just knew her as Ma! Ma - that'll have to do.
Ma.
Possibly deceased.
"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year "exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?" Right, that's all my socks paired.
Back to the accounts.
OK.
"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year "exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?" Hello, Ma? It's Bernard.
No, nothing's wrong.
I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I? I know, I am, yeah.
I know.
Yes.
Yes.
I will.
I know.
Ha.
Yes.
Yes! I know.
Yeah.
OK.
Goodbye, I have to do my tax! "Did your non-returnable outgoings " Thank Christ! Yes? Could we talk to you about Jesus? Great! Come in! - What? - I'd love to hear about Jesus! Come on in! - Er, are you sure? - Yes! In, in! Come in! It's a trick! It's just generally people don't say yes.
I'm not people - come on in, let's talk beliefs! Come in, come in.
Grab a pew.
Right, let's go.
Well to be honest we've never actually thought this far ahead.
It's, uh, it's nice in here.
Indoors.
What's your favourite story about, er Our Lord? Money lenders, it has to be the money lenders.
- Chasing them out of the temple.
- It is knock-out stuff.
- And yourself? - Well, it's all good.
I suppose when he rescued when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
No, that's a story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helps somebody else.
Really? Wow.
I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector.
And do you have any literature or anything I could look at? Oh, yes! Those books and magazines! Books and magazines! Ah, there you are.
Time for my results? It's bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
The Little Book of Calm is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas.
If it rotates a centimetre left, you'll be dead in seconds.
- Oh, my God - No, hold on a moment.
The other possibility, and this is more likely, is that the Little Book of Calm will move into the renal canal.
If this happens, you could live for anything up to ten years, one year, who knows? Because of the massive scarring caused by the book, however, - you could be in great pain - Oh, my Sorry.
during that time - Oh, my God! Sorry, I have to go.
We'll operate tomorrow.
There's a good chance you'll survive - 30% I'd say - so try not to worry.
As the book itself says um, "Whenever you're in a tight spot, "try to imagine being marooned on a beautiful desert island.
" So he said that because no one's without sin, right? Yeah, that's what he But it was hidden.
So it's like God and Jesus are the one thing? Yes.
Are you sure you won't stay? No, really, we have to go, it's very late.
OK, whatever.
- Call again though, yeah? - Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah - Goodbye.
- Yeah, later.
Bernard? Finished with your accounts? Yeah.
I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.
Bernard! I mean, it is a very nice jacket, but what about your accounts? I don't know! Will you do them? Oh, you've got that wrong for a start - you divide by ten there.
Oh - no, no, no, I'm not doing this.
I have to give all my attention to being Julie's birth partner.
Oh! Look, look! There's something on the side! What am I gonna do? Who's gonna help me? Mr Bianco, back with us at last.
There's been a complication.
You see, we went in to remove the book and, um Well, in medical terms, it's gone.
To put it another way, it's not there.
I don't know how this happened.
The only explanation is that you assimilated it into your system, which is impossible.
How do you feel? Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon, you will soak yourself calm.
I'm sorry? If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Er, maybe I should let you get some rest.
When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate.
Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn.
Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Uh Yes.
- I've got it! - I'm doing them! I know what this is - it's for giving up sugar.
Yeah, that's exactly what it's not.
No, that's absurd, isn't it? What's this - blah blah blah blah blah blah yah yah blah blah "Exemption clause, "person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness "may defer their returns " Wait "Person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness "may defer their returns " No, no, give it up, Bernard.
You'd have to really cripple yourself.
You're hardly gonna do that just to avoid doing accounts.
- This is on special offer.
- Really? Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
- Fair enough.
- Great! - I'll get the hobbling post.
- Wait, I've read this.
That's the problem with Wodehouse.
Yes, now break my legs.
But I've read it! No, I'm sorry.
What is this?! Have you any idea what the hell this is? 'Would the birth partner of Julie Williams 'please report to delivery room one.
' # Gloria! # Gloria! # Where's my birth partner?! I can't do this without my birth partner! - Where is she?! - Julie, we can't find her.
We've been calling her all day.
When you're feeling under pressure, do something different.
Roll up your sleeves or eat an orange.
# Gloria! # Gloria! # Is it some kind of fake breast? You know, that dads wear? - What are you talking about? - You know, for babies.
Ba Babies.
Oh, my God - Julie! Oh! Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh.
If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.
Oi! Hairy! What you lookin' at? Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice? Try and speak softly once in a while.
Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it.
Oi! You lot, you better clear off, I have to do a few I have to Oh! Skinheads! Perfect! - Do you think you're funny? - What happened? Looking for another slap, are ya? Another slap? Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, when you're doing the usual sort of threesome of a weekend and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and arses, is that not confusing? Right.
Look, this is you, OK? # Tra-la-la la-la la-la la-la # Millwall, that's the one.
Do you know this chant? Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated.
Hmm? Uhh? Are you in pain? Not enough! Where have they gone?! They got tired and went away.
Er, why why did you do that? That was so incredible, the way you just kept letting them punch you and Thank you.
I'm injured, I don't have to do my accounts.
You're a witness.
I could do your accounts.
- What? - I'm an accountant.
I was.
- It's the least I could do.
- You mean you could do more? - Yeah.
- Could I have a glass of wine? - OK.
- And a ham sandwich? - If you like.
- With pickle? All right.
Right, you get started on that and I'll begin the business of the day.
Car won't start.
Cab number, cab number.
Got to get to Julie
You're the accountant.
- These books - Yeah, I know.
- Hello? - I'm not sure.
Hello, there! Excuse me! I just wonder if Hel It'll be different this time.
Honestly.
The accounts are in order.
OK.
I'll see you in an hour.
OK.
Bye.
- Now - Those books, how much? - Hm? - The leather-bound books.
The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- They're real leather? - They're real Dickens.
I have to know because they have to go with a sofa.
Everything else in my house is real.
I'll give you 200.
- 200 what? - £200.
Are they leather-bound pounds? - No.
- They won't go with my wallet.
Next! - Hello! - Hello.
I need The Little Book of Calm, do you have it? I'm late for work.
Uh, Calm Er, is this it? No, no, it's just Too big, too big.
Little just little - This one, this? - No! No, calm.
- The Little Book of Calm.
- Er, this? That's the one! Yes! - Two-fifty.
- Two-fifty - Could - I'll just get you a bag.
No, no - no bag, just the book! - I'll do you a receipt.
- No, that's fine! It's broken.
I'll write one.
Little I'll do it! Calm, two-fifty.
Thank you.
"Let-let-let go once in a while, "you are a loose lily floating down an amber river.
" Sorry.
I hate my job.
What a strange man.
Right, the shop is closed! Everybody get out! - Time to go home! Come on! - It's only quarter to three.
Yes, but it's my shop! Come on, go home! Bye-bye! - It's hardly fair.
- It's not fair at all.
Get out! - I expect better service - Expect away.
Bye-bye! Come on, you time-wasting bastards! Back on the streets! Goodbye! Thank you! Bye-bye-bye! Back to reality.
Thank you! - Bernard, do you want this? - What is it? - It's a thing.
- Is it? - Yes.
- What does it do? - It's very in.
- You don't know, do you? It's very now.
Will you mind the shop? I have to see my accountant.
Will you get an assistant so I don't have to keep doing this? OK, but you have to do the same for me the day after tomorrow.
OK.
Why? - You know Julie? - Yeah.
They're inducing the baby and she's asked me to be birth partner.
Ugh.
There'll be a lot of blood and shouting and No, I'll just get drunk.
In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk it'll be just like the old days.
OK, have a nice time.
Bye.
Hello? I do sell a lot of wank, don't I? So, show me your new filing system, Bernard.
This is March to, er Oobely-boo.
This is Misc And-and-and the rest are, er Other.
Other what? Other backdated weeks, is it? No.
Other times.
So it goes This Week, Very Recent, and All Other Times.
Help me out here, Bernard, what does All Other Times cover? I don't know, Nick! I'm not Wonder Woman.
This new system is closely modelled on the old system, isn't it? I'd go further than that.
I'd say it was exactly the same.
Except No, it's the same.
I just sort of lied on the phone, Nick.
I lied.
Well What? What? Oh, nothing.
You're lucky I'm so accommodating.
Other accountants might Hello? Yes, Jane.
Oh, right.
OK, yeah, mm-hm.
- I've just got to pop off.
- What, now? Yeah, see you soon, all right? Bye.
He's always one step ahead! The cat has left the basket.
The cat has left the basket! Mmm.
Yeah, it's flying.
I'm right on it.
It'll be in the pipe soon.
The best thing is if I You Manny What's that you're eating? Soup? Yes.
It's extra-chunky.
- What's in it?! - Chunks.
Should I be doing something? I have the Gleason accounts - I would've e-mailed them but I had a a lot of clink on the stuffer expander, and, er plug went in some Tizer.
Look, just shape up or ship out, all right? Eh? Hi, yih.
Yuh.
Yeah, I'm chasing up the, er the company account.
"Visualise the ocean.
" Oh, a calm ocean, right.
Right, we've got to get Friday's invoices in.
OK, yeah.
Here I come.
What is it? It's my Little Book of Calm I've swallowed my Little Book of Calm! Is it some kind of bald Furby? Bernard! Early closing? How'd it go? Nick the accountant Nick the accountant is a fugitive! - I'm not doing my accounts! - Why? You can stick it up your arse! Bernard, you'll have to do them yourself.
It's easy.
Yeah, give it give it a go.
I'm sure I could muddle along.
WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! THE WHAT?! "If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not blind " WHAT?! "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name?! I just knew her as Ma! Ma - that'll have to do.
Ma.
Possibly deceased.
"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year "exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?" Right, that's all my socks paired.
Back to the accounts.
OK.
"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year "exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?" Hello, Ma? It's Bernard.
No, nothing's wrong.
I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I? I know, I am, yeah.
I know.
Yes.
Yes.
I will.
I know.
Ha.
Yes.
Yes! I know.
Yeah.
OK.
Goodbye, I have to do my tax! "Did your non-returnable outgoings " Thank Christ! Yes? Could we talk to you about Jesus? Great! Come in! - What? - I'd love to hear about Jesus! Come on in! - Er, are you sure? - Yes! In, in! Come in! It's a trick! It's just generally people don't say yes.
I'm not people - come on in, let's talk beliefs! Come in, come in.
Grab a pew.
Right, let's go.
Well to be honest we've never actually thought this far ahead.
It's, uh, it's nice in here.
Indoors.
What's your favourite story about, er Our Lord? Money lenders, it has to be the money lenders.
- Chasing them out of the temple.
- It is knock-out stuff.
- And yourself? - Well, it's all good.
I suppose when he rescued when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
No, that's a story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helps somebody else.
Really? Wow.
I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector.
And do you have any literature or anything I could look at? Oh, yes! Those books and magazines! Books and magazines! Ah, there you are.
Time for my results? It's bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
The Little Book of Calm is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas.
If it rotates a centimetre left, you'll be dead in seconds.
- Oh, my God - No, hold on a moment.
The other possibility, and this is more likely, is that the Little Book of Calm will move into the renal canal.
If this happens, you could live for anything up to ten years, one year, who knows? Because of the massive scarring caused by the book, however, - you could be in great pain - Oh, my Sorry.
during that time - Oh, my God! Sorry, I have to go.
We'll operate tomorrow.
There's a good chance you'll survive - 30% I'd say - so try not to worry.
As the book itself says um, "Whenever you're in a tight spot, "try to imagine being marooned on a beautiful desert island.
" So he said that because no one's without sin, right? Yeah, that's what he But it was hidden.
So it's like God and Jesus are the one thing? Yes.
Are you sure you won't stay? No, really, we have to go, it's very late.
OK, whatever.
- Call again though, yeah? - Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah - Goodbye.
- Yeah, later.
Bernard? Finished with your accounts? Yeah.
I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.
Bernard! I mean, it is a very nice jacket, but what about your accounts? I don't know! Will you do them? Oh, you've got that wrong for a start - you divide by ten there.
Oh - no, no, no, I'm not doing this.
I have to give all my attention to being Julie's birth partner.
Oh! Look, look! There's something on the side! What am I gonna do? Who's gonna help me? Mr Bianco, back with us at last.
There's been a complication.
You see, we went in to remove the book and, um Well, in medical terms, it's gone.
To put it another way, it's not there.
I don't know how this happened.
The only explanation is that you assimilated it into your system, which is impossible.
How do you feel? Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon, you will soak yourself calm.
I'm sorry? If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Er, maybe I should let you get some rest.
When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate.
Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn.
Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Uh Yes.
- I've got it! - I'm doing them! I know what this is - it's for giving up sugar.
Yeah, that's exactly what it's not.
No, that's absurd, isn't it? What's this - blah blah blah blah blah blah yah yah blah blah "Exemption clause, "person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness "may defer their returns " Wait "Person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness "may defer their returns " No, no, give it up, Bernard.
You'd have to really cripple yourself.
You're hardly gonna do that just to avoid doing accounts.
- This is on special offer.
- Really? Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
- Fair enough.
- Great! - I'll get the hobbling post.
- Wait, I've read this.
That's the problem with Wodehouse.
Yes, now break my legs.
But I've read it! No, I'm sorry.
What is this?! Have you any idea what the hell this is? 'Would the birth partner of Julie Williams 'please report to delivery room one.
' # Gloria! # Gloria! # Where's my birth partner?! I can't do this without my birth partner! - Where is she?! - Julie, we can't find her.
We've been calling her all day.
When you're feeling under pressure, do something different.
Roll up your sleeves or eat an orange.
# Gloria! # Gloria! # Is it some kind of fake breast? You know, that dads wear? - What are you talking about? - You know, for babies.
Ba Babies.
Oh, my God - Julie! Oh! Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh.
If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.
Oi! Hairy! What you lookin' at? Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice? Try and speak softly once in a while.
Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it.
Oi! You lot, you better clear off, I have to do a few I have to Oh! Skinheads! Perfect! - Do you think you're funny? - What happened? Looking for another slap, are ya? Another slap? Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, when you're doing the usual sort of threesome of a weekend and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and arses, is that not confusing? Right.
Look, this is you, OK? # Tra-la-la la-la la-la la-la # Millwall, that's the one.
Do you know this chant? Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated.
Hmm? Uhh? Are you in pain? Not enough! Where have they gone?! They got tired and went away.
Er, why why did you do that? That was so incredible, the way you just kept letting them punch you and Thank you.
I'm injured, I don't have to do my accounts.
You're a witness.
I could do your accounts.
- What? - I'm an accountant.
I was.
- It's the least I could do.
- You mean you could do more? - Yeah.
- Could I have a glass of wine? - OK.
- And a ham sandwich? - If you like.
- With pickle? All right.
Right, you get started on that and I'll begin the business of the day.
Car won't start.
Cab number, cab number.
Got to get to Julie