Black-ish (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Okay, so, I'm just your standard, regular ol' incredibly handsome, unbelievably charismatic black dude.
Now, this drooling, pigment-challenged, mixed-race woman is my wife, Rainbow.
And, despite what she looks like right now, she's a doctor.
We're lucky.
We've got a great house, four great kids, and my Pops.
It's a far cry from where it all began.
That's why I promised my parents I'd get an education, graduate, and get myself out of there.
I guess for a kid from the hood, I'm living the American Dream.
The only problem is, whatever American had this dream probably wasn't where I'm from.
And if he was, he should've mentioned the part about how when brothers start getting a little money, stuff starts getting a little weird like in my neighborhood.
Sometimes I feel like a bit of an oddity.
And if you look to your left, you'll see the mythical and majestic Black Family out of their natural habitat and yet still thriving.
Go ahead and wave.
They'll wave right back.
- They're smiling.
Hi.
Hello.
- The little ones are cute.
They're just just amazing.
Sometimes I worry that, in an effort to make it, black folks have dropped a little bit of their culture and the rest of the world has picked it up.
They even renamed it "Urban".
And in the "Urban" world, Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke are R&B Gods, Kim Kardashian's the symbol for big butts, and asian guys are just unholdable on the dance floor.
Come on! Big butts? R&B and dancing? Those were the black man's go-tos! I'm definitely not complaining.
I love my life.
And not that I want to go back to the days of being the big scary black guy.
But I have to admit it did kind of have its advantages.
SO1EO1 "Pilot" Even though we were close, my Pops had a weird way of showing he loved me.
Hey, Pops.
Hey, hey, son, can I just get some coffee in me before you start with all that mess? And by "weird," I meant he didn't show it at all.
- Good morning, Zoey.
- Hey, dad.
Are you wearing that awful cologne again? - Why? - Because it smells like you're wearing the awful cologne again.
Did seem like a pretty straightforward question there, son.
Right? Nice try.
I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.
Good morning, Mr.
Senior Vice President.
- Mwah! Hey.
- Hey, baby.
Hear that, Pops? Stevens is announcing my SVP promotion at work today.
Yeah, and if you'd have joined that black firm, like I told you, you'd have been Mr.
President five years ago.
Yeah, but for half the money.
So? It's a black company.
You got to make an adjustment for the negro inflation tax.
Pops, I am gonna be the first black SVP at Stevens & Lido.
This job is about more than just money to me.
It's about breaking down barriers.
Yeah.
Breaking down barriers equally important to money.
But just so that I'm clear, there is a salary increase, right? - Okay.
- Yes, baby.
All right.
Hey, Junior.
Mm, mm, mm, mm! Unh! - All right, all right.
Let's go.
- All right.
Oh, why don't y'all go get a room? I can't believe I marched on Washington and fought for my country to watch y'all do that mess.
You shot yourself in the foot to get out of the army.
And you were in D.
C.
for an Isley Brothers concert.
- You shot yourself? - Can we see? - Look here.
- Pops.
I want to see! Why do you have to get to school so early, son? Oh, uh, tryouts are today.
I want to get a little extra work in so I'd be ready.
Okay.
Work on the handle.
Lock down that point-guard spot.
Um there's no point guards in field hockey, dad.
Field hockey?! Man, isn't that a woman's sport? Nope.
Um, a lot of people think that, though.
A lot of people never think about field hockey, man.
What happened? We were hoopin' all summer long.
I thought you were gonna try out for the team, show these valley glen boys The Johnson Family jumper.
The Johnson Family wha dad, you didn't hit one jump shot all summer.
Hey.
It's not about the accuracy, son, all right? The family is known for our form.
Look at that.
Look at that elbow.
Look at that.
Right.
Anyway, I thought about playing hoop, but all my friends are fee-hocking it this year, so I figured, you know, when in Rome W when in Rome? You are not in Rome! You're in L.
A.
! You know what? I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.
Field hockey.
- What's up, Mr.
J? - What's up, Zach? - What's up, Andy? - What's up? "Andy"? That's not even close to "Andre".
I think it says I'm edgy but approachable.
I think it says, "I hate my father and I play field hockey".
Well, Zach thinks it's cool, and it's also a derivative of "Andre".
We discussed it, and I think I like that There were so few of us at Stevens & Lido that being black made you feel like you were part of a little family.
So when one of us made it, it was kind of like we all did.
Who do you think you are? And right now, I was that one.
I'm not saying I was the Jackie Robinson of Stevens & Lido advertising or anything, but, I mean, if other people were saying it, they wouldn't be wrong.
Hold on a second.
- Killer Kris.
- Big Dre, what up? Or should I say "Mr.
Senior Vee-peezy"? This is my assistant, Kris.
Notice how I do the shake with him.
That's because I consider him an honorary brother.
- Hey, Kris, let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
Did you ever want to play the same sport your dad played in high school? Are you kidding? Of course.
My dad was a frickin' field-hockey God.
Meeting's in 10.
Whatever.
Yo! Dr.
Dre! This is Josh.
Um not an honorary brother.
Just "Andre".
All right, sorry, "Andre", hey bro Uh-oh, I mean Andre, listen, we're working on this folgers copy, and we wanted to know how you think a black guy would say "good morning".
Hmm.
Probably just like that.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, hey, Stevens called a meeting, and I think something big might be up.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, I'm hearing "historic," "game-changing" being tossed around.
Could just be office gossip.
Ha ha! If I could have your attention At Stevens & Lido, there was a clear separation between lower management and upper management.
And that always made me feel like it was us - versus them.
- get ready to work.
Even our snacks were divided.
We get cheetos and grape soda, while they always get what looks like a medieval feast! Let's eat, let's eat! Ha ha.
That's why this promotion was such a big deal.
For once, one of us was going to get a chance to be one of them.
More wine! More wine! To us! Like my daddy said, you chase a squirrel, you better be prepared to eat his nuts.
All right, uh I'm sure you've all heard I have an announcement.
Uh, myself and the board have decided to up a new Senior Vice President here in the company.
What?! ha ha! That's crazy! Oh, my God! Hey, hey, but very wise.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this new SVP will also be heading up our creative presentation to grab the $250 million L.
A.
tourism account.
All right.
It is a big deal for us.
We need a home run here.
Sabrina, I'm not gonna forget about you when I become one of them, all right? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
All right.
- Uh, excuse me.
Yeah.
- change who we are.
So, without any further ado, I would like us all to give a warm congrats to the SVP of our new Urban division, Andre Johnson! Huh?! That's right.
- Andre! - Uh, I'm I'm sorry.
Uh did you say "Urban"? Urban division.
Wait.
Did they just put me in charge of black stuff? I don't like the social media at the table - Junior, pass the hot sauce.
- I told you that.
Okay.
Hello! Okay.
To my husband, Senior Vice President.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Congrats to my son! - Yeah! Finally made it, son.
- Finally made it - Holla! To head puppet of the white man.
Oh, Pops.
Come on.
You're here to celebrate him.
Actually, you told me I was coming over to eat fried chicken.
- I have no idea what the hell this is.
- It's fried chicken.
- Really? - It's baked fried chicken.
Oh, so fried fried chicken is too black for you.
- Pops! Pops, seriously? - Hey, hey.
Babe, babe.
- What? - You know what? Pops is right.
You know, I I do feel like a puppet.
As you should.
I said I wanted to be the first black SVP for Stevens & Lido, when, actually, I wanted to be the first SVP who happened to be black.
What's the difference? Obama's the first black president.
I mean, does that make him any less president? No.
No, because he's the first black president of the United States, not the first black president of the Urban United States.
Obama's the first black president? What you're doing a bang-up job over here.
No, no, no.
Hold on a second.
Let's explore this.
Jack, did you really not know that Obama was the first black president? He's the only president I've ever known.
- "Only".
Did you hear that? "Only".
- He gets a pass.
So that explains his complete lack of Presidential Trivia.
Hey.
You two.
You knew that Obama was the first black president, right? - I g guess.
- Okay.
"Okay"? Mm-hmm.
See what I'm talking about? Baked chicken.
- What you doing? - Looking at pictures of my Urban family.
Oh, my God.
You got to stop with the whole pity-party thing.
You don't think I go through this kind of thing all the time being a female doctor? It's not that big of a deal.
You got to keep it real.
- "Keep it real".
O okay.
- That's what I said.
All all this coming from, uh, a biracial or mixed or omni-colored-complexion, whatever-it-is-they're- calling-it-today woman - who technically isn't even really black? - Okay, well, if I'm not really black, then could somebody please tell my hair and my ass? - Babe, you don't get it.
- No.
- This is how it starts.
- What? Babe, Junior wants to play field hockey.
- I know.
What's wrong with that? - I today, it's field hockey.
Tomorrow, he's running from the police in a white bronco.
Oh, my God are you suggesting that our son is gonna grow up and murder his wife? - Aha! You think O.
J.
did it! - Oh, come on.
We can't have a keeping-it-real conversation with that attitude.
No, no, no.
Stop, babe.
- Baby, the gloves didn't fit! - No, focus, Dre.
- You need to focus.
- Okay.
This is what you always wanted.
This is your dream and this is our plan.
We're gonna climb the Himalayas, sex in the Louvre, and then we're gonna successfully raise our family in a better situation than we had.
If you pass up this promotion, we're 0 for 3.
Maybe you're right, babe.
- Ooh.
Thank you.
I love you, too.
- Ooh.
You're welcome.
Mwah.
I love you.
- No.
- You didn't even let me get it out.
I know, 'cause I can hear what you're thinking.
- Okay, well, I'm just gonna do it.
- No.
no! There he is my main man.
Can't wait to see what you do with that presentation.
Me too.
Really looking forward to it.
And, remember, really put your swag on it, you know? Keep it keep it real.
Keep it real? Yeah.
Be honest, be smart, be you.
What, uh, what did you think I meant? I thought you meant that.
Okay.
"Keep it real".
What's up, Drigitty-Dre? - * Rewind * - My name's not - Drigitty-Dre-Dre what? Kick it.
- That's inappropriate! Highly inappropriate! - Hey, babe.
- Mommy, mommy.
- Mom.
- Yeah? Liza Jackson asked if we could have a playdate.
She's weird, so feel free to say "no".
Liza Jackson? Which one is she? You know, wears the Nemo shoes every single day? And the polka-dot backpack.
Kind of smells like a Turkey Burger.
Wait a second.
Are you guys talking about the only other little black girl in your class? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Why didn't you just say that? - I don't know.
Guess when I hear "Liza Jackson," I just think "Nemo and Turkey Burgers".
- Yep.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
What? Don't you think that's beautiful? They don't see color.
No.
I think they need to be tested.
But when I say it, I'm wrong.
I made the team! Whoo! Yes! Oh, my goodness! - That's so exciting! - Of course you did.
- Yes! Oh, God, I'm so happy! - Thank you.
Uh, Zach? Can I help you with something? Uh, yeah, I've just been craving some grape soda all day, and my parents just never buy any.
- And why would you assume we have - Found it! Oh, and, dad, me and some of the field mob decided what I should do - for my birthday party.
- Field mob? - I want to have a Bar Mitzvah.
- A And before you say anything, I know we're not Jewish, but Zach knows a rabbi who's great at pushing through conversions, so Hold on so you'd be willing to forsake your own religion to have a party? Short answer yes.
- Are you listening to this? - Dad, now that I think about it, if I do, you won't have to worry about anyone calling me "Andy" anymore, because when I convert, I'll get a Hebrew name.
I'm gonna go with either "Scholomo" or "Shmuel".
- What? - Both pretty solid, bro.
Shut up! Shut you know what? Family meeting! Everybody, 'round the table now! I smell a group hug coming on.
I'm going to the track.
See you later, Pops.
All right, listen up.
I may have to be "Urban" at work, but I'm still going to need my family to be black.
Not Black-ish - Wha - but black.
So we're gonna start with some strict guidelines.
So, then he sent me a smiley face with a wink.
- I mean, I should be offended, right? - Zoey! - I'll text you.
- Alright.
From heretoforth, we are going to keep it real.
So, Junior, if I hear anybody calling you "Scholomo" or "Shmuel" or especially "Andy," I'm gonna back you over and whoever else is saying it in my car.
- Dad - Quiet! Now, I may have to watch you play possibly the dumbest sport in the world, but I do not have to sit back and listen to you rave about other kids' Bar Mitzvahs.
So, next Saturday, when you turn 13, you're becoming a man, too a black man, because I'm throwing you an African rites of passage ceremony.
That does not sound as fun.
No, it does not.
Okay, I have an idea.
Why don't we take a black break and go get some white yogurt? - Yeah! - Yeah! Hey, hey! Hold on, hold on.
Slow your roll, you two.
From here on out, I'm gonna need you two to describe people using keeping-it-real identifications.
"The assailant was a hispanic male between the ages of 10 and 60".
See? Now I know who I'm looking for.
Mommy, daddy's scaring me.
Me too, baby.
Me too.
Really? Okay, are we done with this whole life-and-death, keeping-it-real speech? Because I need to start prepping for a and I'm not gonna be thinking about keeping it real.
I'm gonna be thinking about keeping him alive.
You're not the only one in this house with an important job.
My job is pretty important.
And, as I recall, you were the one who brought up this keeping-it-real argument.
- So this is my fault? - Yes, it's your fault.
- Oh, this is my fault? - Oh, yes.
And, tomorrow, I have a very important presentation to make.
And you know what I'm gonna do when I go in there? I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna keep it real as Yeah, because that's what you told me to do.
Oh, I'm pretty sure that's not what I told you to do.
Oh, no, that's exactly what you said.
If she thinks I'm finished with keeping it real, I am just getting started.
And if Stevens & Lido really wants an Urban SVP, i'll give them their Urban SVP.
- Ha! - Oh, my God.
Lalonde Leonard landing at will.
And Lalonde goes down! _ So, that's my Urban pitch for the L.
A.
tourism account.
Thoughts? We're not really doing this, right? I thought it was funny.
Operation "Keepin' It Real" was in full effect, and although it was off to a rocky start, I still had high hopes.
Andre.
- Yes? - What is this mess you're doing? This ain't no mess, Pops.
This is our culture.
This ain't our culture.
We black, not African.
Africans don't even like us.
Dad, can I go? No.
Stand right there and experience your roots.
You're better off watching "Roots".
Should I start, or do you want to? Okay.
Okay.
Uh, take that, son.
Take that! - What is he doing? - Don't look at me.
Hey, Bow.
Look, baby, I had the boy wanted a Bar Mitzvah! Bow, I could use your support right now.
I was trying to support you when I called you at work today, and my call was rerouted to Corporate Security.
And they questioned me for like 30 minutes about my husband's mental state.
Hmm.
Weird.
Next time, just call my cell.
Ohh.
Dre, what happened at work today? Look, Mr.
Stevens failed to fully grasp the irony of my pitch, so we mutually decided that we would take the weekend to figure out if Stevens & Lido was still a perfect fit for me.
Still a perfect fit? Dre? He's thinking about firing you? I guess, if you want to oversimplify it like that.
Oh, my God.
Dre! There is no winning with you! You're upset because they gave you the job because you're black.
If they'd given it to someone white, you'd be upset they didn't give it to someone black! This "keeping it real" B.
S.
has got to stop.
I'm not gonna have you running around torturing my son.
What was that? What are you wear what are you wearing? Whatever issues you are working through, you need to get over them now.
Okay? Nice shot.
So much for The Johnson Family form.
Dad, listen, I get it.
You feel like I'm turning into a white boy.
But I'm not.
I'm just being me.
I'm just not quite sure who that is yet.
Son, I realize how difficult it must be to feel like the different one at school.
But it's also important for you to hold on to your culture and realize how special it is.
Honestly, the only thing I'm really trying to hold on to right now is my first boob.
I'm a ninth-grader playing varsity.
That means something.
So this was all a part of your plan.
Yeah.
Me and the field mob Hey, son, please stop calling yourselves that.
Fine.
Me and my boys figured that if we could just get our foot in the door with other jocks, we'd really get in there and make some noise.
So, you really do want to play basketball.
Yeah, dad.
But I suck at it.
All right, little man, get in the house.
Go.
Who knew? Boy wants to hold a boob.
You can't be mad at him for that.
Hey, Pops, how the hell did you keep it real with us - when we were growing up? - I didn't.
I kept it honest.
So, I really screwed this up, didn't I? Screwing things up is just another part of what it means to be a father, Dre.
It's how you learn to fix things.
Just remember, son, whatever you do, make sure it's right for who you are.
If that boy wants a Bar Mitzvah, I'm gonna throw that boy a Bar Mitzvah.
There you go.
"Hold a boob".
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Andre Jr.
's Hip-Hop Bro Mitzvah.
.
Sometimes keeping it real means admitting you were wrong but, as a dad, still finding a way to be right.
Be damned if I'm calling him Andy, though.
So, that Los Angeles tourism campaign went a lot better once I realized that "Urban" can also mean Hip, Cool, and Colorful, just like my family.
So, taking a cue from my very wise son, I decided to get my foot in the door and really make some noise.
And just like that, I became the SVP of Stevens & Lido's Urban Division.
The funny thing is I didn't feel Urban.
I just feel like a dad.
who was willing to do whatever he had to for his family.
And isn't that the American Dream?
Now, this drooling, pigment-challenged, mixed-race woman is my wife, Rainbow.
And, despite what she looks like right now, she's a doctor.
We're lucky.
We've got a great house, four great kids, and my Pops.
It's a far cry from where it all began.
That's why I promised my parents I'd get an education, graduate, and get myself out of there.
I guess for a kid from the hood, I'm living the American Dream.
The only problem is, whatever American had this dream probably wasn't where I'm from.
And if he was, he should've mentioned the part about how when brothers start getting a little money, stuff starts getting a little weird like in my neighborhood.
Sometimes I feel like a bit of an oddity.
And if you look to your left, you'll see the mythical and majestic Black Family out of their natural habitat and yet still thriving.
Go ahead and wave.
They'll wave right back.
- They're smiling.
Hi.
Hello.
- The little ones are cute.
They're just just amazing.
Sometimes I worry that, in an effort to make it, black folks have dropped a little bit of their culture and the rest of the world has picked it up.
They even renamed it "Urban".
And in the "Urban" world, Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke are R&B Gods, Kim Kardashian's the symbol for big butts, and asian guys are just unholdable on the dance floor.
Come on! Big butts? R&B and dancing? Those were the black man's go-tos! I'm definitely not complaining.
I love my life.
And not that I want to go back to the days of being the big scary black guy.
But I have to admit it did kind of have its advantages.
SO1EO1 "Pilot" Even though we were close, my Pops had a weird way of showing he loved me.
Hey, Pops.
Hey, hey, son, can I just get some coffee in me before you start with all that mess? And by "weird," I meant he didn't show it at all.
- Good morning, Zoey.
- Hey, dad.
Are you wearing that awful cologne again? - Why? - Because it smells like you're wearing the awful cologne again.
Did seem like a pretty straightforward question there, son.
Right? Nice try.
I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.
Good morning, Mr.
Senior Vice President.
- Mwah! Hey.
- Hey, baby.
Hear that, Pops? Stevens is announcing my SVP promotion at work today.
Yeah, and if you'd have joined that black firm, like I told you, you'd have been Mr.
President five years ago.
Yeah, but for half the money.
So? It's a black company.
You got to make an adjustment for the negro inflation tax.
Pops, I am gonna be the first black SVP at Stevens & Lido.
This job is about more than just money to me.
It's about breaking down barriers.
Yeah.
Breaking down barriers equally important to money.
But just so that I'm clear, there is a salary increase, right? - Okay.
- Yes, baby.
All right.
Hey, Junior.
Mm, mm, mm, mm! Unh! - All right, all right.
Let's go.
- All right.
Oh, why don't y'all go get a room? I can't believe I marched on Washington and fought for my country to watch y'all do that mess.
You shot yourself in the foot to get out of the army.
And you were in D.
C.
for an Isley Brothers concert.
- You shot yourself? - Can we see? - Look here.
- Pops.
I want to see! Why do you have to get to school so early, son? Oh, uh, tryouts are today.
I want to get a little extra work in so I'd be ready.
Okay.
Work on the handle.
Lock down that point-guard spot.
Um there's no point guards in field hockey, dad.
Field hockey?! Man, isn't that a woman's sport? Nope.
Um, a lot of people think that, though.
A lot of people never think about field hockey, man.
What happened? We were hoopin' all summer long.
I thought you were gonna try out for the team, show these valley glen boys The Johnson Family jumper.
The Johnson Family wha dad, you didn't hit one jump shot all summer.
Hey.
It's not about the accuracy, son, all right? The family is known for our form.
Look at that.
Look at that elbow.
Look at that.
Right.
Anyway, I thought about playing hoop, but all my friends are fee-hocking it this year, so I figured, you know, when in Rome W when in Rome? You are not in Rome! You're in L.
A.
! You know what? I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.
Field hockey.
- What's up, Mr.
J? - What's up, Zach? - What's up, Andy? - What's up? "Andy"? That's not even close to "Andre".
I think it says I'm edgy but approachable.
I think it says, "I hate my father and I play field hockey".
Well, Zach thinks it's cool, and it's also a derivative of "Andre".
We discussed it, and I think I like that There were so few of us at Stevens & Lido that being black made you feel like you were part of a little family.
So when one of us made it, it was kind of like we all did.
Who do you think you are? And right now, I was that one.
I'm not saying I was the Jackie Robinson of Stevens & Lido advertising or anything, but, I mean, if other people were saying it, they wouldn't be wrong.
Hold on a second.
- Killer Kris.
- Big Dre, what up? Or should I say "Mr.
Senior Vee-peezy"? This is my assistant, Kris.
Notice how I do the shake with him.
That's because I consider him an honorary brother.
- Hey, Kris, let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
Did you ever want to play the same sport your dad played in high school? Are you kidding? Of course.
My dad was a frickin' field-hockey God.
Meeting's in 10.
Whatever.
Yo! Dr.
Dre! This is Josh.
Um not an honorary brother.
Just "Andre".
All right, sorry, "Andre", hey bro Uh-oh, I mean Andre, listen, we're working on this folgers copy, and we wanted to know how you think a black guy would say "good morning".
Hmm.
Probably just like that.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, hey, Stevens called a meeting, and I think something big might be up.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, I'm hearing "historic," "game-changing" being tossed around.
Could just be office gossip.
Ha ha! If I could have your attention At Stevens & Lido, there was a clear separation between lower management and upper management.
And that always made me feel like it was us - versus them.
- get ready to work.
Even our snacks were divided.
We get cheetos and grape soda, while they always get what looks like a medieval feast! Let's eat, let's eat! Ha ha.
That's why this promotion was such a big deal.
For once, one of us was going to get a chance to be one of them.
More wine! More wine! To us! Like my daddy said, you chase a squirrel, you better be prepared to eat his nuts.
All right, uh I'm sure you've all heard I have an announcement.
Uh, myself and the board have decided to up a new Senior Vice President here in the company.
What?! ha ha! That's crazy! Oh, my God! Hey, hey, but very wise.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this new SVP will also be heading up our creative presentation to grab the $250 million L.
A.
tourism account.
All right.
It is a big deal for us.
We need a home run here.
Sabrina, I'm not gonna forget about you when I become one of them, all right? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
All right.
- Uh, excuse me.
Yeah.
- change who we are.
So, without any further ado, I would like us all to give a warm congrats to the SVP of our new Urban division, Andre Johnson! Huh?! That's right.
- Andre! - Uh, I'm I'm sorry.
Uh did you say "Urban"? Urban division.
Wait.
Did they just put me in charge of black stuff? I don't like the social media at the table - Junior, pass the hot sauce.
- I told you that.
Okay.
Hello! Okay.
To my husband, Senior Vice President.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Congrats to my son! - Yeah! Finally made it, son.
- Finally made it - Holla! To head puppet of the white man.
Oh, Pops.
Come on.
You're here to celebrate him.
Actually, you told me I was coming over to eat fried chicken.
- I have no idea what the hell this is.
- It's fried chicken.
- Really? - It's baked fried chicken.
Oh, so fried fried chicken is too black for you.
- Pops! Pops, seriously? - Hey, hey.
Babe, babe.
- What? - You know what? Pops is right.
You know, I I do feel like a puppet.
As you should.
I said I wanted to be the first black SVP for Stevens & Lido, when, actually, I wanted to be the first SVP who happened to be black.
What's the difference? Obama's the first black president.
I mean, does that make him any less president? No.
No, because he's the first black president of the United States, not the first black president of the Urban United States.
Obama's the first black president? What you're doing a bang-up job over here.
No, no, no.
Hold on a second.
Let's explore this.
Jack, did you really not know that Obama was the first black president? He's the only president I've ever known.
- "Only".
Did you hear that? "Only".
- He gets a pass.
So that explains his complete lack of Presidential Trivia.
Hey.
You two.
You knew that Obama was the first black president, right? - I g guess.
- Okay.
"Okay"? Mm-hmm.
See what I'm talking about? Baked chicken.
- What you doing? - Looking at pictures of my Urban family.
Oh, my God.
You got to stop with the whole pity-party thing.
You don't think I go through this kind of thing all the time being a female doctor? It's not that big of a deal.
You got to keep it real.
- "Keep it real".
O okay.
- That's what I said.
All all this coming from, uh, a biracial or mixed or omni-colored-complexion, whatever-it-is-they're- calling-it-today woman - who technically isn't even really black? - Okay, well, if I'm not really black, then could somebody please tell my hair and my ass? - Babe, you don't get it.
- No.
- This is how it starts.
- What? Babe, Junior wants to play field hockey.
- I know.
What's wrong with that? - I today, it's field hockey.
Tomorrow, he's running from the police in a white bronco.
Oh, my God are you suggesting that our son is gonna grow up and murder his wife? - Aha! You think O.
J.
did it! - Oh, come on.
We can't have a keeping-it-real conversation with that attitude.
No, no, no.
Stop, babe.
- Baby, the gloves didn't fit! - No, focus, Dre.
- You need to focus.
- Okay.
This is what you always wanted.
This is your dream and this is our plan.
We're gonna climb the Himalayas, sex in the Louvre, and then we're gonna successfully raise our family in a better situation than we had.
If you pass up this promotion, we're 0 for 3.
Maybe you're right, babe.
- Ooh.
Thank you.
I love you, too.
- Ooh.
You're welcome.
Mwah.
I love you.
- No.
- You didn't even let me get it out.
I know, 'cause I can hear what you're thinking.
- Okay, well, I'm just gonna do it.
- No.
no! There he is my main man.
Can't wait to see what you do with that presentation.
Me too.
Really looking forward to it.
And, remember, really put your swag on it, you know? Keep it keep it real.
Keep it real? Yeah.
Be honest, be smart, be you.
What, uh, what did you think I meant? I thought you meant that.
Okay.
"Keep it real".
What's up, Drigitty-Dre? - * Rewind * - My name's not - Drigitty-Dre-Dre what? Kick it.
- That's inappropriate! Highly inappropriate! - Hey, babe.
- Mommy, mommy.
- Mom.
- Yeah? Liza Jackson asked if we could have a playdate.
She's weird, so feel free to say "no".
Liza Jackson? Which one is she? You know, wears the Nemo shoes every single day? And the polka-dot backpack.
Kind of smells like a Turkey Burger.
Wait a second.
Are you guys talking about the only other little black girl in your class? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Why didn't you just say that? - I don't know.
Guess when I hear "Liza Jackson," I just think "Nemo and Turkey Burgers".
- Yep.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
What? Don't you think that's beautiful? They don't see color.
No.
I think they need to be tested.
But when I say it, I'm wrong.
I made the team! Whoo! Yes! Oh, my goodness! - That's so exciting! - Of course you did.
- Yes! Oh, God, I'm so happy! - Thank you.
Uh, Zach? Can I help you with something? Uh, yeah, I've just been craving some grape soda all day, and my parents just never buy any.
- And why would you assume we have - Found it! Oh, and, dad, me and some of the field mob decided what I should do - for my birthday party.
- Field mob? - I want to have a Bar Mitzvah.
- A And before you say anything, I know we're not Jewish, but Zach knows a rabbi who's great at pushing through conversions, so Hold on so you'd be willing to forsake your own religion to have a party? Short answer yes.
- Are you listening to this? - Dad, now that I think about it, if I do, you won't have to worry about anyone calling me "Andy" anymore, because when I convert, I'll get a Hebrew name.
I'm gonna go with either "Scholomo" or "Shmuel".
- What? - Both pretty solid, bro.
Shut up! Shut you know what? Family meeting! Everybody, 'round the table now! I smell a group hug coming on.
I'm going to the track.
See you later, Pops.
All right, listen up.
I may have to be "Urban" at work, but I'm still going to need my family to be black.
Not Black-ish - Wha - but black.
So we're gonna start with some strict guidelines.
So, then he sent me a smiley face with a wink.
- I mean, I should be offended, right? - Zoey! - I'll text you.
- Alright.
From heretoforth, we are going to keep it real.
So, Junior, if I hear anybody calling you "Scholomo" or "Shmuel" or especially "Andy," I'm gonna back you over and whoever else is saying it in my car.
- Dad - Quiet! Now, I may have to watch you play possibly the dumbest sport in the world, but I do not have to sit back and listen to you rave about other kids' Bar Mitzvahs.
So, next Saturday, when you turn 13, you're becoming a man, too a black man, because I'm throwing you an African rites of passage ceremony.
That does not sound as fun.
No, it does not.
Okay, I have an idea.
Why don't we take a black break and go get some white yogurt? - Yeah! - Yeah! Hey, hey! Hold on, hold on.
Slow your roll, you two.
From here on out, I'm gonna need you two to describe people using keeping-it-real identifications.
"The assailant was a hispanic male between the ages of 10 and 60".
See? Now I know who I'm looking for.
Mommy, daddy's scaring me.
Me too, baby.
Me too.
Really? Okay, are we done with this whole life-and-death, keeping-it-real speech? Because I need to start prepping for a and I'm not gonna be thinking about keeping it real.
I'm gonna be thinking about keeping him alive.
You're not the only one in this house with an important job.
My job is pretty important.
And, as I recall, you were the one who brought up this keeping-it-real argument.
- So this is my fault? - Yes, it's your fault.
- Oh, this is my fault? - Oh, yes.
And, tomorrow, I have a very important presentation to make.
And you know what I'm gonna do when I go in there? I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna keep it real as Yeah, because that's what you told me to do.
Oh, I'm pretty sure that's not what I told you to do.
Oh, no, that's exactly what you said.
If she thinks I'm finished with keeping it real, I am just getting started.
And if Stevens & Lido really wants an Urban SVP, i'll give them their Urban SVP.
- Ha! - Oh, my God.
Lalonde Leonard landing at will.
And Lalonde goes down! _ So, that's my Urban pitch for the L.
A.
tourism account.
Thoughts? We're not really doing this, right? I thought it was funny.
Operation "Keepin' It Real" was in full effect, and although it was off to a rocky start, I still had high hopes.
Andre.
- Yes? - What is this mess you're doing? This ain't no mess, Pops.
This is our culture.
This ain't our culture.
We black, not African.
Africans don't even like us.
Dad, can I go? No.
Stand right there and experience your roots.
You're better off watching "Roots".
Should I start, or do you want to? Okay.
Okay.
Uh, take that, son.
Take that! - What is he doing? - Don't look at me.
Hey, Bow.
Look, baby, I had the boy wanted a Bar Mitzvah! Bow, I could use your support right now.
I was trying to support you when I called you at work today, and my call was rerouted to Corporate Security.
And they questioned me for like 30 minutes about my husband's mental state.
Hmm.
Weird.
Next time, just call my cell.
Ohh.
Dre, what happened at work today? Look, Mr.
Stevens failed to fully grasp the irony of my pitch, so we mutually decided that we would take the weekend to figure out if Stevens & Lido was still a perfect fit for me.
Still a perfect fit? Dre? He's thinking about firing you? I guess, if you want to oversimplify it like that.
Oh, my God.
Dre! There is no winning with you! You're upset because they gave you the job because you're black.
If they'd given it to someone white, you'd be upset they didn't give it to someone black! This "keeping it real" B.
S.
has got to stop.
I'm not gonna have you running around torturing my son.
What was that? What are you wear what are you wearing? Whatever issues you are working through, you need to get over them now.
Okay? Nice shot.
So much for The Johnson Family form.
Dad, listen, I get it.
You feel like I'm turning into a white boy.
But I'm not.
I'm just being me.
I'm just not quite sure who that is yet.
Son, I realize how difficult it must be to feel like the different one at school.
But it's also important for you to hold on to your culture and realize how special it is.
Honestly, the only thing I'm really trying to hold on to right now is my first boob.
I'm a ninth-grader playing varsity.
That means something.
So this was all a part of your plan.
Yeah.
Me and the field mob Hey, son, please stop calling yourselves that.
Fine.
Me and my boys figured that if we could just get our foot in the door with other jocks, we'd really get in there and make some noise.
So, you really do want to play basketball.
Yeah, dad.
But I suck at it.
All right, little man, get in the house.
Go.
Who knew? Boy wants to hold a boob.
You can't be mad at him for that.
Hey, Pops, how the hell did you keep it real with us - when we were growing up? - I didn't.
I kept it honest.
So, I really screwed this up, didn't I? Screwing things up is just another part of what it means to be a father, Dre.
It's how you learn to fix things.
Just remember, son, whatever you do, make sure it's right for who you are.
If that boy wants a Bar Mitzvah, I'm gonna throw that boy a Bar Mitzvah.
There you go.
"Hold a boob".
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Andre Jr.
's Hip-Hop Bro Mitzvah.
.
Sometimes keeping it real means admitting you were wrong but, as a dad, still finding a way to be right.
Be damned if I'm calling him Andy, though.
So, that Los Angeles tourism campaign went a lot better once I realized that "Urban" can also mean Hip, Cool, and Colorful, just like my family.
So, taking a cue from my very wise son, I decided to get my foot in the door and really make some noise.
And just like that, I became the SVP of Stevens & Lido's Urban Division.
The funny thing is I didn't feel Urban.
I just feel like a dad.
who was willing to do whatever he had to for his family.
And isn't that the American Dream?