Black Jesus (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Señor Humberto.
Now, you know you ain't got no business trippin' with that, man.
I got you, brah! Jesus! All right, Jesus.
What you got for me today? I've been good! It's all good to me, Brother.
You know the world is yours, man Whatever you want, man.
I need the numbers to the lotto.
The lotto numbers? Is that the best you can ask, man? I mean, there's folks out here dying of famine and pestilence, and you want the lotto numbers? Come on, man.
You can do better than that.
What can you give me, then? I got some kindness, I got compassion, and I got love for all mankind.
You better get up on some of that, man.
Don't anybody want no shit like that! Aw, man.
Well fuck y'all's stanky ass, then, man.
I don't stink.
If I stank, I would smell myself.
Yes, you do stink.
You smell like ass and crackers.
You got the nerve, walking around with all that Brown on, lookin' like the UPS man Nigga wan Kenobi.
Taliban, the Al-qaeda.
Oh, yeah? You look like you got a headful of barbecue brillo pads, motherfucker.
- What?! Yeah, you, partner.
You can't insult me in my living room! Fuck you, too, homeboy.
I still love your bitch ass.
By default, fool! Oh, hell, no.
Yo, yo, yo, big man.
Yo, somebody's in there.
Hold on one second.
Hey, yo, G! 2-0's here, man.
Get up.
What's happenin'? Hold on one second, Sir.
We'll get that moved for you.
Hey, Boonie, you and Jason come help me move Jesus' van across the street, man.
Nigga, right now.
You think I'm calling you now for you to move it later? Hurry up.
All right, Sir.
My boys will be here any minute now if you'll just give me one second.
How's your day going so far? Look.
There they go right there.
Hey, y'all, push it.
Come on.
Push it, push it, push it, push it.
Getting it moved for you.
One second.
We're getting it moved for you, Sir.
Come on, man.
It's not even 8 fucking o'clock.
You trippin'.
8:20.
Man, you know the fucked up part about it, besides this being the motherfucking son of God?! You out here writing these funky-ass $79 tickets for street cleaning, and look at this, man! Fucking street ain't even clean! The least your fat ass can do is clean up some stuff! Uncle Phil-lookin' motherfucker! Uncle Phil? "The Fresh Prince of Bel-air," nigga! Hey, stall him out, Fish.
Stall him out, man, for he know not what the fuck he do, man.
Look at this dude, man.
Come on, brah.
Relax.
You feel me? Eugene! I ain't even mad at you, dawg.
It's just a job.
Matter of fact, I congratulate you, man, 'cause six days sober after 34 long years of rotgut, hard-core drinking like you been doing that's quite an accomplishment, man.
You know, that's some superb shit.
You feel me? Hey, Eugene! Go get your colon checked, pimp! Hey, man, check it out.
I stole this out of my mama's ashtray.
Now, that's all there is, so let's make it last.
Here.
Light up.
Mmm.
Mmm! That's good stuff.
You gonna pass the joint? I just got it, buddy.
I'll pass it to you in a second.
Mmm! Man, pass the motherfuckin' weed, man! Damn! Can I hit some, man?! I just got it! I tell you, man, me and the boys was talking, and, nigga, you smoke all the fucking weed.
Yeah, and I don't think you really factor in that somebody got to actually pay for this weed.
And who is that? Me, Boonie, Fish.
Nigga, even Tray be frontin' you.
Well, what happened to us getting up off our ass and growing our own bud, though? The Community Garden.
Instead, we're on some gangsta shit all the motherfucking time.
We could be getting right out the mud ourselves, man.
Weed and vegetables Rutabagas, tomatoes, Spanish onions, artichokes.
Nigga, this is Southwest Compton.
I ain't trying to be no goddamn farmer.
I know where we at.
Man, we can't front you no more, Dawg.
You really finna get at me like that over a little funky-ass weed, though? I mean, you do realize I died for your motherfucking sins, right? Oh, that shit getting old.
Homey, that's my life! That was 2,014 years ago.
Yeah.
That's old.
Hey, but sayin', check this out we got this little lick we gonna hit across town, right? Me, Jason, Boonie we got a plan.
There you go with the schemes and plots.
Nigga, you not even listening! Hey, man, it's solid, man.
We're going to East L.
A.
To pick up a brick, and check it out my mom's paying.
Your mom's paying for it? That income-tax check, you know what I'm saying? So you know that's gonna be at least a pound.
Mm-hmm.
She said all we need is a crew like three deep.
Now, I don't know these niggas, man, but they're highly recommended on Instagram.
Now, all you got to do is drive Boonie mama car, and you're gonna get a cut.
But if it's Boon mom car, why I got to drive? I mean, why you don't drive, Dawg? Hey, my mom said I can't go.
She don't want me on this run.
Plus my pit bull getting ready to have puppies.
I wasn't there when my kids was born, but I'm gonna be there for my bitch.
So, all you need me to do is drive the car and watch over y'all with God's good grace and that's it? That's it.
I mean, hit us with one of those miracles, in ca in case we need it, which we won't, 'cause they legit.
They straight up.
Fish, man, you know I ain't in charge of miracles, man.
That's Pops, man.
Just do what you do.
Aw, shoot.
Ooh! Hey, baby.
How you doin'? Oh, you're looking good.
Really, Jason? Him again?! I thought we talked about getting high and hanging out with homeless dudes.
Come on, baby.
Don't do this in front of the homies.
Hi, Diane! Girl, your hair is bangin'! She got the po-po perm.
Is this what you call getting your life together, partying all the fucking time, coming home for a little something, drunk, smelling like barbecue sauce? She hit him with the smelling like barbecue sauce! I don't want you hanging out with these bums.
Y punto.
Sue! Lisa! Is this wonderful basket of shit for me? Wow, ladies! Somebody got love for their Lord and Savior! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Come here, girl.
You know I love y'all like a motherfucker, come here.
Seriously what is it with that guy? You want a beer? Oh, I love y'all so much.
Baby, that's Jesus.
Yeah, man.
She sitting up there, talkin' 'bout she think we need a break.
I think she finally tired of my ass, man.
Don't even let it happen, Dawg, 'cause God wants y'all to be together.
And on top of that, she fine as mnh! That's about as good as you're gonna do, Dawg.
God told you that? He told you he want us to be together? Nigga, she an atheist cop.
Why would God care? Heaven if I know, but what I'm sure of is the fact that she good people, man, and she care about you, brah.
And to be honest with you, J I am your Lord and Savior.
I can be honest.
Yeah.
You need a boot up them cheeks one time, 'cause you be fuckin' up, J.
You ain't living up to your potential.
Plus, y'all got the little black-latin love going on, man.
L.
A.
Really needs to see that shit right now, dawg.
You got Maggie on line 1.
What's happenin', Mag? Talk good to me, baby! Now, why you always got to act like that, man, when I ask you to do something? But when you're down in the dumps, who do you call? Ain't nobody trippin' off what you got on, girl.
It's the homies.
We chillin'.
All right, fo' sure.
Yeah.
Hey, Tray? Yeah? Mag comin' through, so we're gonna need like two more six-packs of that hard apple cider, three boxes of blunts, a 20-pound bag of ice, and you want something, Dawg? Yeah, some vienna sausages.
- Red or blue can? - Blue can.
Okay.
So, nobody has any money for this, or you know what? I wanted to talk to you about that, man.
I'm glad you brought that up, 'cause, Tray, you know I love you, right? - Right.
You know I'll never forsake you, right? Right.
Man, I got your best interests at heart, so I'm gonna need you to trust me on this, man.
You gots to you gots to complete this mission, man.
Pay attention.
You gots to complete this mission.
Okay.
I'm just not sure how it works without any money.
Shh, shh, shh.
All you need is the holy spirit.
That's it.
Okay.
Yo, Fish! What we rollin'? What's happenin', pimps? Maggs! It's about time you got your delinquent ass out here to function with the homies.
What's happenin' with you? Man, tell this grimy fool to let me come up on that pickup.
Hey, look, I'm only driving.
I ain't got nothing to do with that.
Exactly.
Y'all ain't got nothin' to drink, man! What y'all sippin' on, man? Oh, that's some bullshit.
Aw, man.
What's up with this? Don't you know we like fine grapes? Hey, that's what's up right there, man! Hey, hook me up there with some of that brown so I can lay these ugly bitches down.
You dig? Heavens, no! Is this the only way I can get y'all attention, man Come through with a little yid-nac, a little meat, some big-booty women? It helps.
Nigga, pour up.
Naw, naw, man.
What happened to love and kindness, brah? Man, why you got to be like that? You know what? I'm cool on y'all.
I come through spreadin' the Gospel all the time, man, but y'all ain't trying to hear your boy, though.
No, y'all ain't tryin' to hear me.
So, you know what? I don't even think I want to let y'all hit this fine yac, 'cause your minds ain't ready and your hearts not open.
Hey.
Hey, Vic! What's happenin', man? You want some of this yac? Told you niggas no barbecuing, didn't I? I said it was unsanitary, right? Didn't I say no barbecuing? How many times I got to keep telling y'all the same thing over and over till you get it through your blasphemous-ass minds, huh? Okay.
Settle down.
I mean, ironically, the way you're speaking to Jesus is quite blasphemous if we're gonna be technical.
Ironically, I didn't slap the shit out of you soon as I got down here.
Who made you the Pope, huh? Chill out, Vic, man.
It's cool, man.
We made enough for everybody, brah.
You want a plate? - Plate? - Yeah.
I don't want no goddamn plate.
I want y'all to obey the rules, man! There's no barbecuing! What the fuck is your problem, Vic? My problem is you need to find another place to be a bum, homey! This is my complex! I run this! It's my job! No barbecuing! Matter of fact, you know what? I've been saying the same thing over and over to y'all niggas.
Y'all niggas don't know how to listen.
How many times I got to say the same thing over and over and over and over? Check this out.
Hey, man! What you doing, brah?! That's the end of that shit, ain't it? That's some fucked up shit, Vic.
Know why it's fucked up? Because the ants got to eat.
What the fuck is that about? Yeah.
They like ribs, too.
Vic, the homies ain't even ate yet, man! What are you doing?! Well, the homies ain't gonna eat.
Homies don't work.
See them ants? They work hard all day long.
Those is black ants.
They like chicken, watermelon, shrimp, and ribs.
Now, you know that's a racist-ass joke, Vic.
Wash your feet.
What? You look like one of them niggas from Australia.
I swear to God, if I wasn't on parole Well, bless you, too, Vic! If God didn't love you, he'd have made you a girl looking exactly like you do.
You know, I'm all right for a dude, though.
Ooh, my! Looky here, looky here! Jesus! Oh, my sweet Lord.
Mm-mm-mmm.
How you doin'? Too blessed to be stressed, baby.
Hey, mama.
Hey.
Come on in.
Ooh, Ms.
Tudi, I'm feeling what you done with this spot! You like it? Yes, and these chandeliers is wet! Chechnyan Crystal, baby.
And, Jesus, none of those Ooh, hallelujah would have been possible with Oh, my bad, Ms.
Tudi.
Mm-hmm.
I made these for you - Chocolate mint pistachio with a dash of sea salt.
- That's my favorite.
- All right! Those are for Jesus, fat ass.
Jesus, can I get you some tea? Oh, yes.
Please, Ms.
Tudi? All right.
Hey, man, give me a cookie, man.
Naw, man.
I prayed for the cookie, man.
I said no cookie, Boonie! Sit your fat ass down! Sit down.
Jesus, you're still gonna be able to do that thing for me later, right? - That pickup? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, Ms.
Tudi, a real "G" like you in these streets don't need no problem gettin' no weed, though.
Well, but, Jesus, my clientele Yoga bitches you My clientele, nigga Come to me for the best weed.
And I hear these guys got the best weed.
Then why Boonie can't go? 'Cause he bad luck that's why! Fine.
I don't want to go.
Oh, I know you didn't, 'cause you're lazy.
You're a fat, bad-luck-having, lazy nigga like your father.
Ms.
Tudi, you know, you really be going too hard on that boy.
Oh, you think I'm hard on him? This is a Romanian ultrasuede llama-skin sofa.
That's nice! Yeah, with an ass-sized crater in it.
Is that what that is? Mm-hmm.
I thought it was part of the design.
No, that's his ass crack.
Damn, Boonie! Now, listen, Jesus You d tsk! Mnh.
Now, Jesus, you're the only one I trust with my money and my car.
What's that? Fish, is that a firearm?! Technically, this is a homemade marble-shooting pistol, not a firearm, so, legally, I can't catch a gun case for this.
But it'll light somebody ass up.
Man, I thought you said these dudes was cool, man.
You know I don't like guns, man.
Oh, yeah, they cool, but now we cool, too! I already told you they come highly recommended online.
They got 1,500 followers.
What's up with that mask, Maggs? What, you guys didn't bring masks? Hell, no.
We're gonna do some janky shit.
When you're doing janky shit, you wear a mask! Surprise, mother.
Get your bitch ass out the car! Now come on! Get your ass out the car! Get your ass up against the wall! Hurry up! Go! Get your ass up against the wall! You look like you're praying, too, spring break bitch.
Get your hands up against the wall! Hey, hey, do you gentlemen consent to a quick search? Yes, sir! And the bitch, too.
Where the money at? Give me that jacket.
Give me that jacket.
Take it off! Oh, looks like 2 "G's.
" Thanks for paying in advance.
Pleasure doing business with you bitches.
Damn! We got set up, man! They're cool, huh, Fish? They're cool, huh? Highly recommended online, J? Fish, man, what the what are you doing?! What the hell?! Are you kidding me?! Bitch, move your car! Move your car! Move your car, bitch, or I swear to God I'll shoot this whole mother move! Pretty please, move your car, bitch! Oh, hell.
My bad.
Shut the fuck up and turn around! Turn around! Drop the gun.
- Drop it! - My bad, dawg.
Turn around and shut the fuck up! We cool.
Take the mask off, all y'all! Hey, it's white boys! White boys? 1 With some fake-ass guns.
Michael, Chandler, Ross I am so disappointed in all you! Do you know how mad your mother would be if she found out you was out here doing gangsta shit instead of at water-polo lessons?! Huh?! Are y'all familiar with the wrath of God?! Where the money at?! Where the weed at? Cough up the money.
- Where the weed? - The weed's in the trunk! Hey, we got Boonie mama money.
Right there.
Right there.
- I got it.
- You want to be a thug?! How 'bout a fuckin' marble to your temple, boy?! Huh?! M-marble?! Shut the fuck up! Ross, Chandler, Michael man, I swear to Pops I want to put my holy hand down on y'all.
But you know what? I'm not, 'cause I'll forgive you.
Look at you, man.
Calm down.
Look at him.
He's just cute, like a little smurf, huh? Come on.
Let's bust a move, Fish.
Come on, Fish! Come on, Fish! Jesus, your robe! Shoot! Yeah.
We got about an elbow of that good white-boy weed and all of Boonie's mama money.
We won! Where the fuck is the money? I went on and let the white boys have it.
You did what? Nigga, you magically went in my pockets and gave the white boys the fucking money? That's a goddamn miracle in reverse, man! - Show me those hands! - There you go.
- Out of the car now! - No, it's cool.
We don't need your help, officer we're good here.
We're straight, man.
Come on, man.
Jesus Christ, get out of the fucking car! Brah, I like it here.
It's cool, Bro.
I like it in here.
Stop resisting arrest.
I'm not resisting! I'm not resisting! Goddamn it! I surrender! I surrender! Aaah! Ohh! Hi, Dianne! He was with you, wasn't he? - Who? - Jason.
J? Oh, heavens, no.
You know J wouldn't be along Bullshit.
The arresting officer said two men escaped on foot.
Now, I know one of them was J, so cut the crap, hmm? J wasn't even with us, Dianne.
I'm serious.
I can prove it.
Yeah? How? Right before your friends came and busted up our little party, I had called him and told him to bring some stuff.
- Called him? - Yeah.
- You're full of it.
- I'm serious! Go on check the voicemail with your detective ass.
- I know you got the code.
- Watch it.
If I'm lying, go on leave him.
But if I'm right and God's right, you'll praise him and thank him.
You have no new messages.
You have one new message.
Hey, what up, J? This your boy, man.
We out here doing some unspeakably janky stuff that you don't want no parts of.
Check it out, though I need you to run to the store for me and get me some stuff, man Some Froot Loops, a bag of high skins, and a big old soda.
Good lookin' out, pi-i-i-i-mp.
You know what? Just get out of here.
Word! But what about You got got, you idiot Lawn clippings and cilantro, hmm? The whole brick? White boys been ganking fools for weeks with the stuff.
You're free to go.
And stop brainwashing my man.
I don't like it.
I'm watching you, eh? Diane, you're such a pretty girl and a hard worker.
You need to take a little time for yourself, you know? Go get your feet done a little pedicure.
You know what I'm talking about? Get you some highlights put there.
I mean, your hair is beautiful.
I heard they had put Jesus in the cell with the drag Queens.
Oh, look, man.
Damn.
Look at his robe hanging.
Jesus, look, we're sorry, man.
Yeah, we're sorry, man.
Look, I don't understand how you pulled that off with Diane.
Matter of fact, I do understand how you did it, and I just want to say thank you, Bro.
Man, you know we wouldn't just bail on you like that.
You're Jesus.
We figured you'd find a way to get up out of there.
Find a way out of it? Man, watch out, man.
Did I just found a way to get up out of it when they had your boy crossed up in Judaea? Man, promise me y'all bought some ungrateful fools, man.
Me and Pops, we come through all the time, but y'all suckers, not so much, man.
See what I'm talking about? He don't even want to listen.
Every time I'm trying to tell him something good, he don't want to hear what I'm talki so, I guess you ain't ready to start this garden.
Community Garden.
Community Garden! You bullshittin' all of us? All of us.
It's about time y'all came on in! That's what I'm talkin' about.
Come on in.
Bring it on in.
You know what time it is, girl.
You're gonna knock me down.
Yeah, what about my mom money? See, I wanted to talk to you about that, Boon, 'cause although we ain't got your mom's money, what we do have is the love of God and our integrity, brah, and it don't get no better than that! Act right, 'cause the sooner we get to work, the sooner we're gonna be That's right!