Blackadder s01e01 Episode Script

(Narrator) History has known many liars Copernicus, Goebbels, Saint Ralph the Liar.
But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor king, Henry VII.
He rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower.
But the real truth is that Richard was a kind, thoughtful man who cherished his young wards.
In particular Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy.
Henry claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field, and killed Richard III.
Again, the truth is very different.
It was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field and reigned for 13 glorious years.
As for who killed Richard III and how Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never told, the history of The Black Adder.
Silence, silence for the King! Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns.
And I that am not shaped for black-faced war (Cheering) I that am rudely cast and want true majesty (Booing) am forced to fight to set sweet England free.
I pray to Heaven we fare well and all who fight us go to hell! (All) Hurrah! Absolutely, hurrah! Who is that? I know not, My Lord.
I'll ask my son.
Harry, who is that? - Your other son, My Lord.
- It is my other son, My Lord.
Fights he with us on the morrow? - What's his name? - Edmund.
Edna! Fight you with us on the morrow? Oh, goodness, no.
I thought I'd fight with the enemy.
He won't be anywhere near me, will he? No, he'll be amongst the rabble.
- Oh, arrow fodder.
- Precisely.
What a little turd.
Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting? - No, My Lord.
- I saw it, My Lord.
Ah! And what is your name, little fellow? Baldrick, My Lord.
Then I shall call you Baldrick.
And I shall call you "My Lord", My Lord.
I like the cut of your jib, young fellow-me-lad.
How'd you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow? It will be a great day for we nobles.
Not if we lose, Percy.
If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces.
My arms will end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.
We could if we wanted to.
Ah, but we won't, Percy.
I shall prove to all that I am a man.
But you are a man.
But how shall it be proved, Percy? By looking up the tree in Rutland.
It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror.
- Hurrah! - Hurrah.
A toast! Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.
Let "Blood, blood, blood" be your motto! Slit their gizzards! Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of violence.
But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we? (Cheering) And gentlemen in London still a-bed shall think themselves acursed they were not here.
And hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! (Snoring) (Knock on the door) Edmund? - Edmund! - Oh, Mother, what do you want? Did you want to go to battle today? (Alarm clock rings) It's eleven o'clock! - M'lord? - What is it? - Where is this battle, then? - Somewhere called Bosworth Field.
(Edmund) Ah! (Edmund) Damn, damn! First decent battle since I've reached puberty.
- Here we are, My Lord.
- Onward, Baldrick, to glory! (Swords clash and horses whinny) Y-yes, um I'm not so sure we're needed, Baldrick.
Everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting, clearly having the time of their lives.
Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down! - They're dead, My Lord.
- Ah.
Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something.
Would you excuse me, Baldrick? Your Majesty, you've lost your steed.
Take mine.
I've won the battle and saved the kingdom.
I can find myself a horse.
True, My Lord.
I'll see you at the castle.
So be it.
A horse! (Whistles) A horse.
My kingdom for a horse.
Ah! Horsey.
Oi! That's my horse! There.
That'll teach you! You won't be doing that again, will you? Oh, my God, it's Uncle Richard.
Aaaaaaargh! What's up, My Lord? Oh, dear, Richard III.
What are you going to do? Quick.
Hold it there.
My Lord! (Baldrick groans) Will you wait? Will you wait? Oh, well done.
Where's the head? - I thought you had it.
- I can't carry everything! (Footsteps) Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute, where've you been? I've just proved that I'm a man.
Look what I've found! Oh, thank God.
Put it down and let's get out of here! - I found it, it's mine.
- What do you mean, yours? I need it to prove I killed a nobleman.
And which nobleman, pray? Er Well, it's the King, actually.
- Lost! All is lost! - What? Flee! Flee! - Quick, let's get out of here.
- Take me too! Get your hands off! If you leave me, I'll die.
If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you.
- Come on, Baldrick! - I'll give you money.
- Mother! - Edmund, dear.
How did it go? Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be at our gates! But I'm not ready.
I haven't had a bath yet.
Mother, Henry is our enemy.
His men will brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle.
Oh, well.
I shan't bother to change, then.
My Lord! - What do you want? - Listen! (Drums) Oh, my God.
They're here already.
Run for your lives! - Run for the hills! - They're coming from the hills.
Sorry, run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way! But they're flying King Richard's banner.
- That's impossible.
He's dead.
- King Richard - dead? Yes.
Er God knows how.
Oh, dear.
That's really upset the tulip cart.
The flags are just a cunning trick to deceive us.
(Baldrick) My Lord, it's not a cunning trick.
No, because we've seen through it.
They obviously thought it was (Baldrick) I don't think they thought it up.
(Edmund) They borrowed it? (Baldrick) I don't think it's a trick at all.
You don't think using someone else's banner is a trick? (Crash) Aah! (Percy) It's only your father.
- Who locked that bloody door? - Richard, it's you! Who did you expect? I thought it would be Henry Tulip.
Henry Tulip? Have you lost your conkers? - So you won? - Yes, of course.
We won! We won! Victory! (All cheer) So I suppose now you want to ravish me.
Yes, yes, in a moment.
The woman's insatiable.
Three cheers for good King Richard.
Hup, hup (All) Huzzah! - Hup, hup - Huzzah! Huzzah! We just need King Richard here and the day shall be complete! Yes.
What a pity he's dead.
What! Who told you that? Well, Edmund.
Is this true? Er I wouldn't know, really.
I was nowhere near him at the time.
I just heard from someone, er I mean, I don't even know where he was killed.
I was on the opposite side of the field, nowhere near the cottage Not that it was the cottage.
It was the river.
But I wouldn't know, because I wasn't there.
Apparently, some fool cut his head off or killed him in some way.
Or took an ear off.
Yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded.
Er or was that somebody else? He wasn't even wounded.
Why, did someone say he was dead? - Yes! - What? It's true, My Lord.
I stumbled on his body.
Oh, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth! That's enough of that.
Thank you, Harry.
Thank you, Harry! Yes, and we all know who did this dreadful deed, don't we? Yes - Henry Tudor! And he still roams free.
Harry, call for silence! Silence! For the King! (All) Long live King Richard IV! This day has been, as t'were, a mighty stew, in which the beef of victory was mixed with the vile turnip of sweet Richard slain and the grisly dumpling of his killer fled.
But we must eat the yellow wobbly parts the good Lord serves.
In life, each man gets what he deserves! Well, come on.
Let's go and kill some more prisoners.
Hup, hup (All) Huzzah! (All three) Hurrah! We're safe and I am a prince of the realm.
Hup, hup - Huzzah! - H-huzzah.
- Can you imagine the power? - It's ours, all ours! - What? - Yours, all yours! Ah, Edmund, there you are.
It's early, but I'd like to sort out these battle averages.
- Who did you kill today? - Um No one.
No one! Oh, dear.
I'll put you down for a duck, then.
I'm afraid that takes you out of the running - for the Legion Of Honour.
- Oh, I see.
Sorry.
I thought you meant had I killed King Richard.
What? What was the question? Who did you kill today? Oh, I see.
Er, right Er Let's see.
(He mouths) Pedant.
What? Pleasant Pedant.
P Peas Peasants! There were a lot of peasants.
But they don't really count, do they? Only in the event of a tie.
So, how many did you kill? - Oh, four - Four.
handred.
Four handred hand.
Four hundred hand fifty.
Four hundred and fifty! That's three times more than myself! - I had a couple of lucky breaks.
- Nobles? Ah, nobles Let me see.
I think Lord Coverdale.
Who fought on our side, I believe.
I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying um - Warwick.
- Warwick the Wild, of Leicester? Yes.
Pretty wild he was too.
He took some finishing off.
Yes, I killed him myself at one point.
Anyone else? Um Er Now, let me see.
Er I'm just trying to put names to faces.
Well, this is the list of lords as yet unaccounted for.
- Roger de Runcey.
- Oh, yes, he was one of mine.
- Lord Thomas of Devon.
- Ah, yes, back-slash.
- Lord Yeovil.
- Yes, groin job.
This is remarkable, Edmund! Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells Will never walk again! will conduct the thanksgiving service.
Oh, Bath and Wells! Ah, Lord Percy.
Edmund tells me you turned up late for the battle, so there's not much point in asking you your score, is there? - Ha-ha! - A-ha-ha! Ha! At last, I can relax.
Who the hell is this? Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage? The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle? - That's the one.
- So what's he doing in my bed? He claims to be a wealthy man.
I thought if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.
Now, wait! I think I have an idea.
If he is a wealthy man and we nurse him back to health, he may reward us! Brilliant, My Lord.
Good thinking.
(Both) Thank you, Baldrick.
Well, what would you expect? After all, who has the fastest brain in the land? Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
Who is the boldest horseman in the land? - Prince Edmund - Duke of Edinburgh.
Who is the bravest swordsman in the land? Don't tell me.
That Earl from Norfolk.
Prince - (Both) Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
- Precisely.
Or, as I shall be known from now on The Black Vegetable.
My Lord, wouldn't something like The Black Adder sound better? No, wait.
I think I have a better idea.
What about The Black Adder? That one! That pair! That one! - Very witty, My Lord.
- Thank you, Baldrick.
- Very, very, very witty, My Lord.
- Thank you, Percy.
You're certainly wittier than your father.
And head and shoulders over Richard III! Is that supposed to be witty? Er No, My Lord.
Th-that was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to.
- Go away! - (Both) Yes, My Lord.
- You're still here, are you? - Er Yes.
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? I don't know.
I feel that I've seen you before, also.
I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV.
- Who are you? - I'm not important.
You mean you're not rich? Yes, I'm incredibly rich.
I'm a very wealthy, um modest person, who wishes to remain nameless.
You'd better be rich.
Get your money together, get better and get out of my bed! Oh, yes, very fetching.
Aaargh! And hello to you.
(In high-pitched voice) Hello.
Goodness me.
I hadn't expected to see you like this.
- Sitting down, you mean? - Yes, that's right.
Sitting down.
Goodness, look, you're sitting down.
Good Lord, I haven't seen you sitting down since Yesterday? Was it only yesterday? Good Lord.
Um Er Well How was your battle? Fine.
Someone cut my head off, but apart from that it went swimmingly.
How are you, Edna? - Edmund.
- Your father said Edna.
No So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you? How very kind of you to ask, Your Majesty.
I'm very well.
And it's very good to see you, because, frankly - Yes? - Well, frankly, er Gosh, you look well.
Frankly, what? Spit it out, you horrid, little, scabby reptile.
Um Well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.
Well, frankly, I am.
(Knock at door) Do come in.
- No, don't come in! - Why not? - Have you got someone in there? - Um Not as such.
- Is it a woman? - No.
- Is it a man? - Um Um Yes, it is.
You hesitated, Edmund.
It's not a sheep, is it? - It certainly isn't a sheep.
- Well, then, let me in.
So farewell, Edna.
You'll be seeing me later.
Um Have, er Have you got transport? Perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again.
I mean not that you've borrowed it before.
Coming.
Are you all right, Edmund? You look as if you've just seen a ghost.
Hurry up, anyway.
You're expected at the banquet.
Look, um Mother, er You won't tell anyone about my oversleeping this morning? Would I? Do I tell people that your brother Harry is scared of spoons? Or that your father has very small private parts? Mother! (Edmund) Baa! Ba-aa-ah.
Oh, Edmund.
It's the lying I find so hurtful.
Baa-aaa.
We'll slit it right up here! So sorry I'm late.
Hold! You dare sit there, boy? Would you insult King Richard's ghost? Um No.
No, sorry.
Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle.
How many prisoners have you got, Harry? I'm not Harry, I'm Richard.
- Send a brace to my room.
- (Harry) Do you want them hung? - Hello? - I want to practise my backhand! After the way you slaughtered Lord Stanley! Hello! - Oh, I wish Uncle Dickie was here.
- Don't Dickie me, duckie.
Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered to celebrate a great victory and to mourn a great loss.
A toast to our triumph! (All) Our triumph! And I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew Richard, our noble king! It was him! - Oh, my God! - Quiet at the end! - Whoever it was - It was Edna! - wherever he be - He's there! - he shall be struck down! - Do it, you oaf, he's there! - It wasn't me! - Who said that? The idiot who killed me.
- I didn't.
- Well, then, who did? - It was Edmund who interrupted.
- Hang him! - Aargh! - I will have silence! Another toast.
To dead King Richard.
Oh, my God.
- Gentlemen.
- (All) King Richard! Thank you very much for nothing.
Thank you so much.
That's the last you'll see of me.
Not that you've seen much of me anyway.
Now that we have silence, we shall continue the desecration ceremony.
Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor.
(Booing and hissing) Oh, my God! - Good evening.
- Where's Henry Tudor? Baa-aaa.
Where is he? Where is he! Whoo-oo.
Thank you so much.
(Wailing) - Oh! - Hail! - Hail! - Hail! - Ruler of men.
- Ravisher of women.
- Slayer of kings! - Be gone, hideous crones.
- Be not amazed.
- Be not overcome with fear.
Be not paralysed with terror.
Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs? We bear good news.
What news could such repulsive harbingers convey? Today has brought misfortune.
- But one day - (All) Oh, glorious day! - One day - (All) Oh, happy day! Yes? (All) You shall be King! Really? Yes.
Your Majesty.
Well, that is good news, isn't it? God be with you, you snaggle-toothed vultures.
History - here I come! The sound of hoof-beats 'cross the glade Good folk, lock up your son and daughter Beware the deadly flashing blade Unless you want to end up shorter Black Adder Black Adder He rides a pitch-black steed Black Adder, Black Adder He's very bad indeed Black, his gloves of finest mole Black, his codpiece made of metal His horse is blacker than a vole His pot is blacker than his kettle Black Adder, Black Adder With many a cunning plan Black Adder, Black Adder You horrid little man! He wasn't as I expected.
I thought he was very rude.
I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking.
Yes, not so Jewish.
More like that man who rode by before.
- We've done it again! - You silly witches!