Boat Story (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
This is a story about a boat,
a boat that washed up on a beach
and changed a lot of lives,
like for a woman called Janet
Janet! ..and Samuel.
My name's Samuel.
Hi Samuel.
And him What you dinky doing,
you?
..and her
Pat Tooh with an H.
..and him Ben.
You don't know me
..and this one. Le Tailleur.
And also this guy
He's not much of a talker.
Argh!
Now, some stories start a long,
long time ago.
Some stories start
in a deep, dark wood.
Some stories start in a galaxy
far, far away.
But this story starts here,
under a damn pylon, with a severed
head, of all things.
Shall we begin?
Let's go back in time
to the small town of Applebury.
Not the kind of place
people die to go to,
more the kind where people
go to die.
It starts one morning,
a Thursday, I think,
under smokestacks on a lonely
country road.
A woman with blue in her hair
driving towards a Thursday
..unlike any other
Thursday she'd experienced.
Keith, do you mind?
It's like one of the Seven Dwarfs
had a fucking brain injury.
I'm five-foot-seven.
Perfectly good height for a man.
Anyhow, I don't claim to be musical.
That's my brother. Hey!
He does Less chat, come on,
we've got quotas here.
Nigel! Shut it down,
there's a jam!
Hang on.
Yeah? Well, tell Maggie to
Nah. We'll have to get
someone from maintenance here.
It's stuck, I can't get it
to work and I can't
OK, clear!
Nige! Argh!
Worst Thursday ever.
Please switch off your
engine, so we can board your vessel!
Merde!
Bonsoir.
Do you mind tying that down for us?
Bit nasty out, eh? I've seen worse.
Mind if I take a look around?
May I ask why?
Take a quick look around,
then I'll be out your minge.
Mackerel.
Yeah, a whole lot of mackerel.
It was a good haul.
And not mackerel.
Come on, then.
Argh!
Fucking get up!
You fucking done? Fucking get up!
Fucking get up!
Urgh! Urgh!
Anything you can do,
I can do better ♪
Hiya.
Evening.
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Anything you can be,
I can be greater
Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you
No, you're not Yes, I am
No, you're not Yes, I am
No, you're not
Yes, I am. Yes, I am!
I can shoot a partridge
with a single cartridge
I can get a sparrow
with a bow and arrow
I can live on bread and cheese ♪
Right
And only on that? Yes.
So can a rat
Any note you can reach,
I can go higher
I can sing anything
higher than you
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Anything you can say,
I can say faster
I can say anything faster than you
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can ♪
You could just buy it, you know,
love? You can buy them?!
I didn't win it at a fair that only exists
for people who can sell them on at fairs.
See, how it works is
I buy the stuffed animals,
and then in this stall, people come
and they play and they win
No, I get that. I were just
Doesn't matter.
I'm out of money anyway.
That were my budget for the week.
But it's not your problem.
Thanks. Thanks, anyway.
Tell you what, Annie Oakley.
You've practically bought it
already, amount you've slapped down.
Here you go, pet.
Are you sure?
Piece of advice. Don't let it shit on
the floor and definitely don't kiss it,
or it turns into a
22-stone fuckhead.
Ta.
Alan
Alan!
Ribbit, ribbit No way!
Hiya, love.
You finally won the beast!
Only took eight years.
The approximate lifespan
of the West European hedgehog.
Just don't kiss him, or he turns
into a 20-stone fuckhead. Ah!
Sorry. How did you do it?
I am Russian spy.
You know this.
My hand, it become rocket launcher,
I shoot the cans at a local fair
and job done, as they say.
Shush, don't tell anybody.
You silly woman.
New hand looks good.
No, it doesn't.
But thanks, anyway.
You all right? Yeah. I'll be fine,
they'll see me right.
Janet, Janet
Dearie me.
Bit of a coincidence seeing
you here, isn't it?
No, I was out with a friend
actually. So Yeah.
Where is she, then?
She's, erm
Oh, yes, she's over there.
She's on one of the She's on the slide.
No Oh, no, she's not. Maybe she
Hot-dogs. Candyfloss, or something like that
She loves candyfloss.
You can't keep doing this.
I don't want to get into
restraining orders, but
This is not your life now.
Maybe you'd be happier
if you let Jesus into your world.
Like I did.
Let's go.
We're praying for you, Jenny.
It's Janet. You know it's Janet
She knew full well it was Janet.
She was just fucking with her.
Sorry.
Would you like your fortune read,
darling?
I think it's best I don't.
They say fortune favours the brave.
But sometimes, even the bravest
souls get left behind.
That's the thing about life, see?
Some frogs never do get kissed.
Some fairy tales never
get their ending.
But sometimes,
they find another way.
Drop it.
Good boy.
Come here. Come here!
Jump. That's nice.
Come here. Come on, then. Good boy.
Morning.
Morning.
Don't normally see anyone
else this time.
I don't sleep well.
Me neither.
Wow! Quick, yours.
Ah, no, he's not mine.
The neighbour lets me take him out.
You're not from round here?
What gave it away?
Oh, you know
Everything.
Yeah. Just moved up from London.
We're "one of those".
Tired of the rat race, were it?
Yeah. Something like that.
Tom!
Tom! Where are you?
Tom?
OK. Major Tom?
Major Tom!
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
We seem to have misplaced our cat.
When Major Tom returns, would you
please give us a call? Thank you.
You're leaving me your cat?
Thank you.
And the sea air of course,
good for the soul, they say.
Well, your new home has been
officially recognised as
the country's hairiest arsehole.
Makes Peterborough
look like Portugal.
I think it's people make places.
Then we're really fucked.
Sorry.
What the hell? Bette, come here.
What is it? What is it, girl?
What is?
Jesus Christ!
Oh, God!
Call the police. My phone's out.
Right. Just fucking Come on.
You got to look at this. What?
Fucking hell! Yeah.
What are you waiting for?
There's two dead people here.
The street value's got to
run into tens of millions
So what? Let's just, erm
Let's just give this a minute.
Let's just think
There's nowt to think about.
Jesus! Give me your
fucking phone! Just, erm
Sometimes Sometimes, the world
The world throws you a bone.
But you don't always see it. You
don't always recognise it, but
This, what's happening right now,
this is the world throwing us a bone.
You want to fucking take it?
I don't know.
Are you mad?
My name's Samuel. What's your name?
What? Look, this situation's fucked
up enough as it is
without us being total strangers.
My name's Samuel.
What's yours, please?
It's Janet.
OK. Janet. OK.
Hi, Janet.
Hi, Samuel.
Erm
Listen Listen, Janet, erm,
back in London, I was a lawyer.
And I know this is fucking insane,
it's insane, I know, but
I think I know someone who'd give
us a lot of money for this.
I just came here to walk
the bloody dog. So did I!
But then the world Threw us a
bone, yeah. Only it's not a bone.
It's a load of cocaine,
the size of a fucking Nissan!
I've gambled away my
entire life savings.
I sold my house,
which is why we moved here.
Camilla, my wife, has no idea.
I don't know what your story is
No, you don't. Right.
But you are telling me
you can't use a few million quid?
It is not that simple.
But it could be.
Sometimes, you know, the best thing
to do is to look out for yourself.
Cos God knows life kicks
you in the bollocks often enough,
and when you get a chance you need
to take it, grab it with
both hands, because there's nothing
worse than living with regret
Where would we keep it?
We should go.
Oh, shit! What?
I gotta clean my dog.
We missed our date last night.
But I'd already paid the deposit,
so I had a whole beef Wellington
to myself.
And I ate it all,
the whole soddin' Wellington.
So are you going to give me
a call back, or what?
Just a text or anything, just to
let me know that you're all right.
Just call me, all right, love?
Turns out the policeman's boyfriend
was also a policeman.
And while he was
calling his dead lover,
Samuel was washing
his Pomeranian in the sea.
Come on, come on, come on.
Where the fuck were you?
What took you so long?
There was a woman on the beach.
She saw me.
What? Christ
Well, she didn't see my face.
Come on, just fucking drive.
Hmm.
999, what's your emergency?
Yes, there's a Code 4
down at Applebury beach.
A boat on the shore.
No need for sirens,
just the meat wagon.
Your name, please?
Pat Tooh, with an H.
Right, are you able to wait a while,
while we send an ambulance?
I used to be a paramedic, love.
Trust me, they're extremely dead.
They're on their way.
Ah, lovely.
Yes?
What is it?
Sh!
Sh, sh, sh, sh!
Ah, hold on, hold on.
Say that again.
You are talking about my shipment?
But this is a joke.
Tell me it's a joke.
This is how.
Where are we even going?
I think we should drop
the dogs off first.
Then I passed a storage
unit on my way in.
Storage? Right. You've got all the
answers, haven't you,
Mr Storage Face?
Sorry, you got a charger?
Just my phone's
My wife's, it's in there.
That'll do it.
Oh, I don't understand what just
happened.
I feel like my heart's beating
right outside my chest.
Maybe that's because it is.
Shit.
OK.
OK, just
Just stay calm. I am.
I'm talking to myself.
Oh.
Come on, come on, come on.
Keep calm, remember?
Oh, no. What?
What shall I do?
Don't do anything. Just wait and
Huh
OK.
I'll get out of the way,
nice and slow.
What the fuck are you doing?
What do you mean, what am I doing?
It's a one-way street!
What? Oh, shit.
What is wrong with you?
I wasn't thinking. Well, start.
Pull over!
What? What if we just hit the pedal
and we don't look back?
We're not Thelma and Louise, you
daft bastard. We're in Applebury.
Stop the fucking car.
Stay calm.
Yes, yes, I know.
I'm talking to MYSELF now.
Hi, officer. So, look, I'm new here,
and I, erm, was meant to take
a different turning
and I ended up going down
this one-way street.
You know you're
going down a one-way street?
Yes, and I'm so sorry. Erm
You can't do that.
No, er
What if a car was coming towards
you? Or a bicycle?
Neither would be good.
Or a van.
Absolutely. A mobility scooter.
Right
A kid on a skateboard.
Or those shoes with wheels on.
Can you imagine how that could
have ended up?
Terrible. Be dead.
Hiya.
You all right?
So, I really am very sorry.
And I'm sorry to be wasting
police time.
It's important,
the job you guys do.
My friend and I, we were just out
walking our dogs together.
Dog buddies!
Yes, dog friends, and we got talking
and, er, the turning
All right.
Tell me something, sir. Yes.
In the back of your car there
..is that a whippet?
Yes, yes.
Yeah, he's called Rambo. Rambo.
My mummy used to have a whippet.
Beautiful creatures, aren't they?
Yeah.
Odd little bodies, though.
You can see their ribs.
- Yeah, you can.
- Ben, come on.
Look, all right, no harm done,
all right?
But please be more careful
next time. Yes, will do.
Yeah, of course. Thanks.
See you later. Right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Dog buddies?
I panicked.
And that's just ten of the great
uses for safety pins.
Harold's Life Hacks -
hit the subscribe button below.
Hey. We need storage.
Oh, and, er, these.
Right, we've got a padlock each,
so it needs both of us
if we want to get into it.
Don't you trust me?
You said you were a lawyer,
didn't you?
You can just ask me, you know.
Ask you what?
My hand. You keep staring at it
like it's a pair of tits.
No, I don't! You do.
It were a work accident -
hand versus industrial
metal-pressing machine.
Guess who lost.
Good lawyer could get you
six figures.
Oh, my God!
I never thought of that!
No, me, erm
My manager, he, er, he gave me
some whisky after it happened.
Don't tell the bods
upstairs that you saw this.
It'll just take the edge off it.
I downed the lot,
on account of the extreme fucking
agony I were experiencing.
He later claimed that
I were drinking on the job,
so, no pay-out for me.
You can ask me anything, you know.
I'm all right, actually.
Sorry, got to take this.
Hello, Samuel speaking.
You're joking.
OK. No, thanks. It's great.
I, erm
Can I call you back?
It's not a good time.
Thank you.
Who were that?
It's my cat, Major Tom.
Your what?
No, my cat's not calling me,
obviously.
It's, er, my estate agent.
When we moved out of the house
in London,
the cat went AWOL,
and it seems he's back.
You moved house
and you left your cat behind?
What the fuck am I doing?
What now?
I don't know.
What are you supposed to do
after something like this?
I thought you could use this.
Soy, right?
Oh, Colin, you're the best!
It's all right.
I was passing anyway.
I'd better be getting on.
Yeah.
Why don't you just ask her out?
I've, er,
actually written her a note.
Great.
Just what every grown woman wants.
Follow it up by pulling her pigtails
and telling her she smells
and you're golden.
Love might have been in the air
for Colin,
but, for Arthur Lake,
it was quite the opposite.
As he sat there lost
in a haze of pain and sadness,
the last thing
he needed to hear was the words
You all right, buddy?
Buddy?
Who are you?
Ben.
You don't know me. Or my name.
Clearly.
I just wanted to say how sorry
I was about what happened
to your life-partner.
I really am sorry, buddy.
It's all right
if I call you buddy, isn't it?
He seemed nice.
I'm not that way inclined, you know,
but if I were, I'd be interested.
He probably wouldn't be
interested in me anyway, would he?
I wonder who would.
Ian, maybe.
Do you know Ian?
Arthur Come on.
How are you doing?
As you'd expect.
I know you'd rather be anywhere
but here right now,
only something's come up.
How do you mean?
Mark took a unit boat
out onto the water,
but the case number
he assigned to it
It doesn't exist.
Sorry, I don't
Erm
What are you asking me?
He takes a police vessel out into
the ocean - at night, on his own.
Next thing we know, we find him
in that fishing boat
with an as yet unidentified body.
Are you saying he was on the take?
Because if you are, sir,
that's some fucking bollocks.
Not here, lad. In my office.
I'm fine where I am, thanks.
We're just trying to piece things
together, that's all.
I fucking loved him!
So don't you dare stand there
and make out like
him being killed
was somehow his fault!
Mark was a good officer.
The whole force has
suffered a loss today.
Nice eulogy.
You going to bury his reputation
alongside his fucking corpse?
Nice and easy.
Good boy.
I'm not doing rock, paper, scissors.
Why?
Cos it's stupid.
And we've got pubes now, that's why.
Well, how about
foot, cockroach, nuclear bomb?
What the fuck is that?
Well, it's basically
rock, paper, scissors.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
No, I'm not doing it.
All right, Ron, answer me this.
How many times did you
fail your driving test?
Twice.
Three times.
Fucked up the three-point turn.
Well, there you go.
You're driving this time.
Oh, and do me a favour,
have a little think about
what we're going to eat later.
This place I drew
the map on looks lovely.
20% voucher off and all, eh?
You know it makes sense.
Right, let's do it.
Hmm
Please, no
Please Plea-
Get down, get down
Read it when this is done,
would you? Sh.
No, no.
Stand up.
Where's the evidence locker?
It says it should fucking be here,
now where is it?
I think it's the wrong way round.
Ah
Cheers.
Wrong fucking floor. Basement.
No, no, no.
It's not here.
It's fucking not here.
It were just a friend.
Oh! Get two-for-one with a fax
machine there, did you?
No.
It's so I don't have a
24-hour casino in my pocket.
Ah, sorry.
Ah, OK
Why are you looking at me like that?
Because I am wondering why you
agreed to do something like this.
Cos you're so persuasive.
Let me tell you something.
You know my secrets
..all of them. Fucking hell.
You're the only person
in the world who does.
I reckon this is a safe space.
OK.
That weren't me friend
that texted earlier.
It were me ex, Peter.
Cos I accidentally, on purpose -
- very on-purpose -
bumped into our boy
the other day and he mentioned
a restraining order again.
A restraining order?
That's your son, isn't it?
He's not, actually.
I mean, he is.
He were just a baby
when I met his dad.
His mum had buggered off
and then suddenly there I were.
Not a bloody clue
what I were doing.
And I bloody loved it, every minute.
Anyway, Peter, he met
a younger model
who were hard for Jesus,
so that were that.
So, now I can't see him anymore.
So, from being a mum to being
..numb, I suppose.
Yeah, like I never fucking existed.
That's shit. Sorry.
Oh, fucking hell.
Can I Can I show you something?
So, this is yours?
It's the last painting I sold.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, at least I kept the hand
I paint with.
No, I mean it.
You have real talent.
Shades of Demuth
Charles Demuth.
OK
Attention, all shoppers,
Tinley Shopping Centre will close
today at 4pm due to an incident
Yep. Years of effort
and if you're lucky,
maybe you get a spot
in the Tinley Centre.
Why'd you bring me here?
Sometimes I come here and I pretend
like I'm in some art gallery
and it's like I'm in some
alternate reality
where I'm not the unluckiest
person in the world.
So why did?
You asked me
why I agreed to do this, right?
Mm-hm.
Cos everything I thought I had -
my future, me Me fucking fingers,
and me boy -
it's all nothing.
And I am I am done with nothing.
And you need to know that.
Do not fuck me over on this.
Do not fuck me over on this, please.
You OK, love?
He hasn't told you anything,
has he?
Who? Oh, your dad?
No, no, apart from
where I can stick it. Why?
It's just, it feels like there's
something going on.
Like, afoot, you might even say.
Dad and Suzie, they keep going quiet
whenever I come into a room like
Got to go. He's coming back.
Alan. Alan?
Fuck's sake.
Well, we should probably, er,
call it a night
before your cat takes out
a second mortgage.
Yes, yes, yes.
The family will be wondering
where I got to.
So, erm, all right.
Well, then, erm, yeah.
I'll I'll
I'll be in touch.
Oh
Right,
leave it to the one with one hand.
Actually, I can't just go and
pretend it's been a normal day.
I'm going to go and drink some more.
So, despite what you said,
you are welcome to come and join me.
Let's leave Janet
and Samuel doing karaoke
..and go find Arthur running
away from grief
and towards a whole new
set of problems.
Look, whatever you're selling,
piss off, all right?
I'm not selling anything, Mr Lake.
How are you?
Who's this?
Le Tailleur.
The Tailor, like you would say.
But, like most things,
it sounds better in French.
We haven't met, but you have
something of mine, I think.
I don't know what you're
talking about.
The boat was found, and two bodies -
my associate, your partner,
and the boat's cargo is gone.
My people checked the police
evidence room.
I've done my work, you see.
You were working together
to steal from me.
Mate, I don't know who the fuck
you are
or what the fuck you are talking
about, all right?
Don't. Please.
Another shipment of mine was taken
six weeks ago.
Two men in police uniform.
Now, one, I can shrug it off -
bad luck, the cost of
doing business -
but two?
Get fucked.
I believe appearances
are very important,
no matter what your business.
Perception is no mere superficial
concern, it is everything.
And the perception
of my organisation,
to lose two shipments
You see my problem?
Seems to me you've got another
problem, pal.
You've got to find me first.
Ground Control to Major Tom ♪
He claimed not to know anything.
So, I have a journey to make.
No, no, I'm looking forward to it.
It's good to get out of the house
once in a while.
The thing about stories is,
it's they can take you anywhere.
To well-paid mass murderers in
search of 20% discounts
..to the places that we
thought were gone
and maybe lost forever.
Fairy tales about frogs being
kissed that needed an ending
..to a boy playing an instrument
thinking about the mother
he wishes could be his mother.
This is Ground Control
to Major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know
whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule
if you dare ♪
I will find the money
and hang them from the sky.
When I'm done
..there will be nothing left.
Yes, stories can take us anywhere,
sometimes even back
to the beginning,
or the end,
depending on how you look at it.
I'll give you a fiver to touch it.
You reckon we should tell someone?
Oi!