Bookie (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- MELANIE: Get out.
- ARTIE: I just want to talk for a minute, okay?
- That's all.
- MELANIE: There's nothing to talk about.
- ARTIE: What
- MELANIE: Go.
ARTIE: It's a little setback, all right?
- I can make it all right.
- MELANIE: A little setback?
Are-are you kidding me?
You've ruined our lives.
- ARTIE: All right.
- MELANIE: You destroyed us.
ARTIE: No, no, you're being a
little overdramatic right now.
MELANIE: Get the fuck
out before I kill you.
ARTIE: Baby, come on, come on.
MELANIE: Take your shit and leave!
ARTIE: All right! Okay. Jesus.
- If I go
- MELANIE: Go!
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah?
- ARTIE: Hey, it's, uh,
- 536.
- 536.
I got you minus 12 grand.
Fucking Saints, am I right?
- Yes, you are.
- I mean, you're gonna cover the spread.
Just pull your panties
out of your ass and
- take a knee.
- Okay, what do you like?
- A three-game parlay.
- Go.
K.C. minus six and a half.
Uh Browns/Ravens,
first quarter under ten.
And the Jags plus three and a half.
Uh, hook's gonna cost you a buck 30.
Really?
Yeah, line moved about 20 minutes ago.
Fuck.
Okay. All right. Get
me down for a grand.
All right, you lose, you're over.
I'm gonna need to see you next week.
Yeah. You don't like the play?
Who cares what I like?
It's just hard to get three
things right in the NFL.
I like it.
- You're down. Good luck.
- (PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Hi, honey.
- SANDRA (OVER PHONE): We got a problem.
- Go.
Go?
I'm not one of your scumbag losers.
What do you need?
- $1,500.
- I just gave you three grand.
- My Invisalign, hello.
- Why you doing that?
I like your snaggletooth.
Also, Anthony's tuition's due.
A-At what point is his father
gonna kick in a few bucks?
- (PHONE RINGING)
- His father's in a psych ward
- eating with a spork.
- Hang on.
Yeah?
703 (OVER PHONE): Hey, it's 703.
- Go, 703.
- How's your day going?
Oh, life's a cabaret.
- Go.
- Packers/Rams over 52.
Titans plus six.
Dime on each. It's all I got.
- Thanks.
- All right,
you're down. Good luck, 703.
(PHONE BEEPS)
All right, I'm sorry.
I'll come by later.
SANDRA: You know, if you let
me open up a checking account,
I wouldn't have to bother you like this.
Honey, what are the two
conditions I gave you
before we got married?
- No banks, no musicals.
- I love you.
Goodbye.
What a fool believes ♪
DANNY: All right, how'd we do?
I didn't count it.
He's usually good.
The power ♪
Do we have to listen to this?
I like it, all right? Leave it alone.
What seems ♪
- The fuck?
- What?
Money, it reeks.
(SNIFFS, GRUNTS)
- Tell me that's not shit.
- That is shit.
Son of a bitch wiped his ass with it.
Or maybe he used it to scoop up dog poo.
It's not dog poop. This is human poop.
Oh, like you know the difference.
Do dogs eat onions?
Use your head.
- (ENGINE STARTS)
- That motherfucker.
Nothing pisses me off more than people.
To be ♪
Is always better than nothing ♪
Than nothing at all. ♪
DANNY: Roger that, 238. 100 bucks,
Winnipeg on the puck line,
and you want under on the grand salami.
Smart. Good luck.
("A HORSE WITH NO NAME" BY
AMERICA PLAYING OVER RADIO)
You got that?
Yeah, but, man, do we
have to listen to this?
Would you stop complaining
and take in the message?
(SIGHS)
Okay.
Stewie Malenkovich. Eight large.
That's a lot of green for a waiter.
He's a maître d', and, yeah, it is.
- Want me to take this?
- No, I got to go talk to him,
bring his number down. Just hang out.
You can't remember your name
'cause there ain't no one ♪
For to give you no pain ♪
- (SINGING ALONG)
- La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la ♪
- Oh, hell no.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Just give me the paper ♪
- Yeah, all right.
(SONG CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
- How you doing?
- We're not open yet.
Yeah, I know. I'm looking
for a, uh, Stewie Malenkovich.
He no longer works here.
Shit. You know where I could find him?
Sorry.
Stewie?
Is that you?
Oh, my God, it is you.
What the hell's going on?
Please, not here.
Is this like a Halloween thing?
Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
No, no, I'm just confused.
If you must know, after
many heartbreaking years,
- I've decided to live my truth.
- Your truth?
So, question, does your
truth include paying the money
you lost betting on the WNBA?
Nobody bets on the girls.
(SIGHS) I thought I had an edge.
- Where's my money?
- I
I don't have it.
Jesus
(BOTH GRUNT)
- The fuck?
- I know this is where
you guys break legs and noses,
but I spent a lot of
money to look pretty,
and I'm not gonna let you mess it up!
(GRUNTS) I wasn't gonna hit you.
Liar!
Goodness gracious, the paper ♪
- Where the cash at? ♪
- (GRUNTING)
Where the stash at ♪
How'd it go? Oh.
Urgent care. You drive.
What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
One in the chamber, 32 in the clip ♪
Motherfuckers better strip ♪
Yeah, nigga, peel ♪
Before you find out how ♪
Shit makes me nervous.
You talk a good game. ♪
You know, I can pop that
back in for you real quick.
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
When I was in the league,
man, dislocated finger
was just a part of doing business.
I-I-I prefer a medical professional.
We used to straighten
them out for each other
right in the huddle.
Pass.
Suit yourself.
Probably need X-rays anyway.
She kicked me in the ribs pretty good.
- She?
- Yeah.
Stewie's a girl now.
No shit.
Does Stewie identify as a girl?
- How the fuck should I know?
- It's important these days.
People are sensitive
about their pronouns.
You punch me in the face, I get
to call you any pronoun I want.
I'm just trying to point something out.
- Point this.
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
You should be.
- (BONES CRACK)
- (SCREAMS) The f
- (SCREAMS) Fuck!
- We're good.
We're good.
SANDRA: This is disgusting.
DANNY: Well, what do you
want from me? It's money.
Smells like it was up somebody's ass.
Oh, people don't trust banks.
They keep their money
where they think it's safe.
Oh, don't even. Ugh.
What, you don't want it? Give it back.
I didn't say that.
You know what else you didn't say?
"Oh, honey, who punched you in
the face and broke your finger?"
You told me not to ask
about your business.
You could express some compassion.
I said "yikes" when you walked in.
- Never mind.
- (SIGHS)
Jesus, how did this become my life?
Oh, really? You want to go there?
You want to examine your
life pre-Danny Colavito?
- Don't start with the
- Yeah, the single mother
slinging cocktails at Binion's
motherfucking Horseshoe,
- graveyard shift.
- I was doing just fine.
I had my dignity.
- Oh, did you?
- Yeah.
Because I remember on our second
date, you bursting into tears,
begging me to take
you away from all this.
I was crying because I realized
you were the best I could do.
DANNY: And you were probably right.
What other idiot's gonna
buy you a three-bedroom house
and set you up in some bullshit boutique
selling God knows what the
fuck on Ventura Boulevard?
SANDRA: It's an upscale
gift shop with offbeat gifts.
DANNY: It's a money pit
that I wash money through.
- SANDRA: Oh, yeah? Yeah?
- DANNY: Yeah.
SANDRA: Then why does Selena
Gomez only buy her candles from me?
DANNY: Oh, I take it back. You
sold a candle to a crazy broad.
So, Anthony, what are you?
Some kind of a pirate or something?
I'm Lavi From D.Gray-man.
Lavi.
Is D.Gray-man a TV show?
(SIGHS) It's a manga
that also became an anime.
- Oh.
- DANNY: I love you!
I have no idea what you just said.
Come on, we got to go.
- All right, kid, see you later.
- Bye, Ray.
See you later, Lavi. Here's a 20.
- Go have some fun.
- Thanks, Danny.
Looking good.
(SNIFFS) Ugh.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
- DANNY (OVER MONITOR): Hi.
- Hey.
You want to buzz us in, Lorraine?
What's the secret password?
Not now, Lorraine.
(DOOR BUZZES)
All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Jesus, what happened to you?
Your brother learned about
gender sensitivity. (GRUNTS)
Here's the calls for today.
How's the online action?
Busy. Thursday night's game is all K.C.
All right, move the
line a half and, uh
we're writing off the Malenkovich debt.
What? That's a big number, D.
- Just write it off.
- Well, did you at least let Ray wind him up?
I'm mostly a visual deterrent.
Listen, the days of
breaking legs are over, okay?
I'm not gonna do anything
that puts the cops on my ass.
You're such a puss.
A puss that doesn't need to join
the Aryan Nation to take a shower.
Listen, let me just make a phone call.
No, that's not how I do business.
What kind of business
allows a guy to walk
- on six grand?
- DANNY: Eight grand.
Every business. It's called shrinkage.
Listen, all retail operators factor in
losses due to shoplifting,
bad checks, what have you.
It's called shrinkage, look it up.
I'll tell you what's shrinking.
Don't. We're all thinking
it, that's enough.
Fuck you both. Just write it off.
Fine. Oh, I do have some good news.
- Tell me.
- I found Charlie Sheen.
- DANNY: Really?
- Yes.
- Where is that fuckwad?
- LORRAINE: In Malibu.
A rehab called Freedom
from Bondage House.
- How'd you find him?
- TMZ. Paparazzi got a picture of him
- walking in the back door.
- Let's roll.
Just got to make a quick stop.
I'm not waiting in the
car while you get laid.
You're welcome.
Yo, it's me. I got
two pounds ready to go.
No, I'm not selling on consignment.
You pay for it up front,
or grow your own shrooms.
Train Town, Griffith
Park, one hour, bring cash.
No, you can't Venmo me.
I'm not cutting your fucking hair.
Talk to me some more ♪
You don't have to go ♪
You're the poetry man ♪
You make things all
rhyme, yeah, yeah ♪
(SIGHS)
(ENGINE TURNS OFF)
(SIGHS) You know, I hope she appreciates
- what a wonderful grandson you are.
- She doesn't.
Yo, what you need that for?
No offense, but are we
or are we not in the hood?
Excuse me?
But "hood" is short for "neighborhood,"
with an emphasis on "neighbor."
What do you want from
me, Ray? I'm scared.
(SIGHS)
LAMAR: Yo, NFL.
You got old, man.
You keep talking, and you won't.
Look here,
20 bucks, watch the truck.
- (GRUNTS)
- (LAUGHS)
See, Danny, these are good kids, man.
Yeah.
They're the future.
(SIGHS)
Uh-huh. (LAUGHS) What
you think, Grandma?
50 inches,
beautiful picture.
Is it hot?
No.
I don't care about no
TV. I want my house back.
Can we please not do this now?
See this? I used to live here.
It's in a cul-de-sac in Brentwood.
That's a nice part of town.
I lived next door to Judd Apatow.
Now look at me.
I live next door to an oil derrick.
I'm doing the best I can.
I want to go back to Brentwood.
RAY: And I want to get you back there,
but I don't play football
anymore, and I can't afford it.
You could play in Canada.
I broke my leg in
three different places.
They had to airlift me
off the fucking field.
Watch your fucking mouth.
Just I just need a little time.
I'm paying child support to Brook,
to Janelle, to Sharise.
I'm doing everything I can.
Everything but a vasectomy.
(LAUGHS)
What you laughing at, Mr. Mafioso?
Oh, I'm not mafioso.
That's right. Mafiosos pay
off their grandma's house.
They take care of the
people who raised them.
I will not rest until I get
you back into a beautiful home.
Good.
Hmm. Does this thing have HBO?
Just basic cable.
How am I supposed to
see all that dragon shit?
I'll get on it.
See that you do. And you
You look awful.
I know.
- (LAUGHS)
- What?
"The dragon shit."
What the fuck?
Yo, what happened to our car?
Got repoed, man.
But I was watching.
Repoed?
Didn't you take that car in a trade?
Yeah, the Blue Book was
twice what he owed us.
Oh, man.
- I guess we're taking your car.
- I can't.
Grandma needs it to
go to water aerobics.
Are you kidding me? Does she have to?
Do you want to go back in there
and tell her she can't go?
What you doing?
Uber. We got to get to Malibu.
No, take a Lyft. Got a gift card.
Really? Who gives you
a gift card for Lyft?
- You did, Danny.
- Oh.
You're welcome.
(SIGHS)
PREACHER (OVER RADIO): The
absence of Jesus is hate.
There is no love. Jesus is love.
The absence of Jesus is hate.
When you don't go to a
church where Jesus is,
that's a place
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR STEREO)
Shot clock, playa, we hit it ♪
Please don't be our ride.
Right with it, right in it ♪
It's 100% illegit ♪
We don't pacify, we rise. ♪
(DOG BARKING)
(WINDOW ROLLS DOWN)
Lyft?
Would anyone like a complimentary water?
RAY: I'm good.
Are you happy with this?
What do you want me to do?
Eh, you could start by
tightening the man spread.
(SIGHS)
HECTOR: You don't recognize me, do you?
I can't really see from back here.
It's me, Hector. "Hector delivers."
Oh, sure, the pot guy.
- Danny, right?
- Yeah.
Your wife enjoyed
Don't tell me.
Purple OG Kush.
Shit. That saved my
marriage a couple of times.
What the hell are you
driving a Lyft for?
Maybe you didn't notice.
The pendejos in
Sacramento legalized pot.
Put me out of business.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Not as sorry as I am.
- You still running a book?
- Yeah.
Well, then you're next.
Only a matter of time before California
legalizes sports betting.
Nah, the Indian casinos
will never let it happen.
Oh, sure, government
never fucks over Indians.
Hang on, excuse me one second.
What are we stopping for?
Don't worry. I'm not on the clock.
BOTH: Oh!
(BAT CLATTERS IN TRUNK)
Okay
Back on the clock.
So, Danny,
what happened to your face?
("ESCAPE" BY RUPERT HOLMES PLAYING)
If you like piña coladas ♪
And gettin' caught in the rain ♪
If you're not into yoga ♪
If you have half a brain ♪
If you like makin' love at midnight ♪
In the dunes on the cape ♪
DANNY: Can you wait?
- Your gift card.
- RAY: Be right back.
Write to me and escape ♪
Hi. Welcome to Freedom
from Bondage House.
How can I help you?
We're here to see Charlie Sheen.
Oh, I'm sorry, but
guests are not allowed.
Well, what about family? I'm his cousin,
Danny Sheen.
Family is allowed on Family Day,
which is the third
Sunday of every month.
That's not gonna work. Where is he?
I'm sorry, but I can't let you in.
Fuck it, let's go find him.
Security. Reception.
Sorry, fellas, you can't come in.
I can't do this again. Ray?
- How much do you make an hour?
- What?
How much do you make? Ten, 12?
Fifteen.
Not bad.
You get medical insurance?
Have a nice day.
Hi, I'm Ashley. I'm an alcoholic,
a drug addict, a sex addict,
and I have an eating disorder.
GROUP: Hi, Ashley.
Excuse me, guys, um, has
anybody here seen Charlie Sheen?
- Who?
- No? No Charlie?
As you were.
Just gonna take a mini muffin.
You see what's-her-name
back there, the porn star?
I did.
Ever notice there's no
porn supporting actors?
- They're all stars.
- Everybody's a quarterback.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(CRYING)
Excuse me. You seen Charlie Sheen?
Who?
He was in Two and a Half Men.
Sitcom.
Never mind.
Hold on, hold on. Have some compassion.
That's a beautiful view.
What is that, Catalina?
- That's got to help.
- (CONTINUES CRYING)
Okay, think good thoughts.
Eugene, it's on you.
Fifty.
(SIGHS)
Call.
- Angus?
- And 50.
Oh, someone's feeling lucky.
I don't need luck to beat you.
(LAUGHTER)
What happened to this kid?
He used to be so cute.
He gruesome.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, there's my guy.
Oh, shit. Danny.
Ray.
Jesus, what happened to you?
Little scuffle. No big deal.
You should see the other girl.
So, what-what-what-what brings you here?
What kind of question is that?
We were concerned about you.
Oh, you thought that
(LAUGHS) No, no, no, no, I am,
I'm clean as a whistle.
I just run a game here.
In a rehab?
Yeah. There's no guns,
the food is terrific,
and there's ample parking.
Could we talk to you for a minute?
Of course.
Deal me out.
How'd you find this place?
Oh, I've gotten sober here many times.
It's a wonderful program.
The owner's a buddy.
- He lets me rent the room.
- Nice.
So, what's it cost to get the cure here?
Last time I got a nudge from the judge?
- About 75 grand a month.
- (SCOFFS)
I'm in the wrong business.
You know, that's not too
far off how much you owe us.
Really? 'Cause I-I-I had it lower.
You had it wrong.
(SCOFFS) Come on.
You know me, I'm always good for it.
Are you?
'Cause I seem to recall
having to push your Maybach off a cliff.
You didn't push shit.
Ray pushed it.
It was an S-Class.
Who cares? I swear,
you will get your money.
I am, I am this close to being a judge
on Japan's Got Talent.
Oh, terrific. What
kind of watch is that?
This? Oh, this-this is
a cheap knockoff. Garbage.
- Let me see it.
- (SCOFFS) Danny, come on.
- It's-it's junk.
- Ray?
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Take it easy.
Look at me, visually deterring.
- Richard "Milly"?
- Ah, it's actually Richard Mille.
Richard Mille.
That's a douche way to say it.
Google this, please.
Wi-Fi password?
- "Serenity."
- Of course it is.
It's, uh, M-I-L-L-E.
You talk to that Jon Cryer much?
Not for a long time, no.
He was a hoot.
He's my favorite.
It was really more an ensemble show.
RAY: Son of a bitch.
- What?
- That thing is 150 grand, used.
Charlie, I thought we were friends.
We are friends, but I only owe you 75.
- Charlie, Charlie, Charlie
- Okay, okay, hold on, hold on.
What if I make this right
with some baseball memorabilia?
Guys, guys,
I've got Babe Ruth's autopsy report.
- Stop.
- Okay.
Okay, uh, uh, how about the hat
Barry Bonds wore when he
had a regular-sized head?
Are you done?
Yeah.
Listen.
I like you.
I really do.
And I admire how you
turned your life around.
Well, thank you, thank you.
I have been working very hard,
you know. I-It's all about the journey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, enough.
I'm gonna tell you something
I never told a client ever.
I'm listening.
You shouldn't bet on sports.
You shouldn't bet on anything.
I mean, if someone's giving
you odds that Wednesday
follows Tuesday, you
say, "Nah, I'm good."
But, Danny, it's all I got left.
I understand, but nevertheless,
for a guy like you,
no bueno.
Okay. I hear you.
I appreciate your concern, and
I'm gonna take it to heart.
Good.
Let's go.
Hey. What was that all about?
I need a new bookie.
(LAUGHTER)
What am I missing?
Thing tells time, whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
If you don't like it, let me wear it.
No.
(LAUGHS) Hey, buddy.
We need another pitcher
of the margaritas.
With Don Julio?
We'll take the cheap
shit on the second pass.
- (LAUGHTER)
- You got it.
DANNY: So,
here's what I don't understand.
Pot's off the table,
why don't you switch to
selling other drugs, you know?
Like crystal meth. Kids
still like that, right?
(LAUGHS)
You seen what crystal meth
does to people's teeth?
I got a brother who's a dentist.
He showed me pictures.
Can't be a part of that.
DANNY: Oh.
RAY: That's that's noble.
I don't know about noble, but
at least I can sleep at night.
After I smoke a bowl, rub one out.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I got to do a toast.
To a shitty day
that turned into a really great day.
- Hear, hear. Ah.
- Salud. Salud.
DANNY: You mind if I
sit in the front seat?
Be my guest.
Not that I didn't enjoy our inadvertent
dry hump in the back.
RAY (LAUGHS): Hey, just
get your ass in the car.
Give me the watch.
Oh, fuck.
Come on, give me the fucking watch.
And if I don't, are you
really gonna shoot me?
RAY: It's not worth it,
Danny. Just give him the watch.
But what about our bad day
turning into a good day?
Don't make me fucking kill you, man.
Shit.
- (SIGHS)
- What're you doing, Ray?
Yeah, what're you doing?
Protecting the quarterback.
- What?
- Throw the ball, Danny.
- What?
- Throw the ball.
DANNY: Oh.
Anything?
You hit him once.
Oh, Jesus.
We got to get out of here.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
♪
Yeah ♪
Yeah ♪
I love Jimmy Luxury ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Hey! Hey! ♪
La-la-la ♪
I'll see you tomorrow in Havana. ♪