Boomers (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 (# SMOKEY ROBINSON & THE MIRACLES: The Tears Of A Clown) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Ripped By mstoll Now, if there's a smile on my face It's only there trying to fool the public But when it comes down to fooling you Now, honey, that's quite a different subject But don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression - (SONG ENDS ABRUPTLY) - What do we do with these? WOMAN: What? Yoghurt pots.
Is it cardboard or plastic? Hang on a minute, Lee.
There's separate bins for everything, Alan.
Yeah, well, I know that.
I just don't know which one it goes in.
It's got a bit of both in it.
Well, it's not rocket science.
Just pick a bin, any bin, and get rid of it.
Not that one.
Oh, it's your dad.
He's faffing about again.
Getting ready for a funeral.
Yeah, you remember Jean? Darren's mum.
Yeah, little Darren, used to play with on your little scooters.
Yeah, that's right, little Darren.
Well, his mum's dead.
So, you just let us know as soon as Sue's waters break and we'll drive straight down.
They don't want us there.
Well, we're coming and that's that.
We are.
I know you don't want to put us out but it's our first grandchild, Lee.
Well, we're coming, and that's that.
We are.
We are.
She's there, isn't she? Yeah, I know she's there, Lee.
Anyway, you just let us know.
Yeah, love to everyone.
She was there.
I could feel it.
We'll just drive straight down, soon as her waters break.
Well, this is nice, isn't it? We never do anything together.
We're going to a funeral.
It's better than nothing, Alan.
What time's Mick getting here? Oh, he's due in about half an hour.
Be great to see him again.
- Must be seven or eight years.
- Pff.
Yeah, we all know you never liked him.
I saw what he put jean through.
She got well shot of him.
Don't know why you're bringing him.
Well, he's my oldest friend.
You've seen off all the rest.
And it his ex-wife's funeral.
I can't stop him going.
He's going to spoil it for everyone.
Well, you know, bring everyone down.
At a funeral?! Be good to see Mick again after all these years.
- Yeah.
- He was always good value, wasn't he? That's what you want at a funeral, someone to give everyone a bit of a lift, jolly people along, otherwise things can get a bit flat.
He'll jolly the women along, that's for sure.
Huh? He tries a little bit harder with the ladies, I seem to remember.
He certainly tried hard enough with you.
You're not still thinking of that holiday in Weymouth? He was after you, Maureen, and it wasn't just in Weymouth.
Don't be silly.
He was just messing about.
He wasn't messing about.
He was all over you like a rash.
Please, don't give him a hard time, john.
It's a funeral.
Let's just try and enjoy it, hmm? John, he is nearly 70 years old.
What's he going to do? Dribble on me? I'm nearly 70 years old.
I can't believe she's gone.
She was fine last time I saw her.
Well, I was talking to her on Skype ages back and she definitely looked very pale.
Mind you, that might have been our broadband reception.
It's always worse in the kitchen.
I'm supposed to be doing a tribute and I don't really know what to say for it.
It's a bit awkward, really.
I didn't know her that well.
Only saw her once a week at power walking.
Well, what did they ask you for, then? (SIGHS) Graham's only been seeing her for six months.
I don't think he really knows who her close friends are.
New relationships, always difficult.
I mean, you take on their friends, their family but, at our age, you've got to weigh up the chances of being lumbered with their funeral and all.
What you gonna say? Oh, not too much.
Don't want to bore everybody.
Most of my memories of jean are mainly power walking based.
- Sad day.
- Oh, yeah, very sad.
We're going to too many of these.
I'm not looking forward to it.
Well, not with Mick coming over.
Yeah, this one's hit us particularly hard.
We were very close to Jill.
- Jean.
- Jean! God! Jean.
Oh No, itit's all right.
I'll get it right at the service.
I'm using special memory techniques.
If you think of going on a journey, then everything you need to remember is a landmark or an object on that journey.
So, for instance, in this case, say I'm going to the shops and on the way I see Jill getting out of - a blue Nissan Micra -jean.
No, hang on.
Dave Pocock's got a blue Nissan.
Now I'm thinking of his wife.
What's her name? I never really got on with Mick, you know? There's a type of person, Trevor, who can't help getting a bit too full of themselves.
Ah, well, I've always tried to keep an even keel myself.
Exactly, and you've done very well.
- Your head's not been turned, has it? - No.
Ah, but Mick, to my mind, is that kind of person.
Flash, expat bugger.
They come swanning over here as if they're God's gift.
You watch.
See how long it is before he mentions how hot it is in Spain, or wherever he lives now.
I could have gone to Spain, deserted my country in its hour of need but I chose to stay here and make sure my tax goes to making this country better.
Aye.
Anybody who doesn't back their own country is a scumbag as far as I'm concerned.
Gloria.
What? Dave Pocock's wife.
Gloria.
Huh! That was going to drive me mad.
(HORN BEEPS) Christ! Slow down, Alan! I thought you wanted to hurry up? I want to live, is what I want to do.
(SIGHS) And what have I told you about not tucking your shirt in so tight? It shows all your belly.
Growing every day, that thing.
It's like something out of The Ouatermass Experiment.
It's the style, Joyce.
Since when have you been bothered about style?! This is what happens when you buy your own shirts.
I've told you before about staying with me in Marks, haven't I? You'll like Mick.
He's a real character.
Never been very lucky in love, though.
Disastrous marriage he had.
- How are things with Trevor? - Well, we're living separately in the house, trying to rediscover each other.
Separate bedrooms? It establishes the boundaries of stage one of the rebuilding process.
We do the same thing when John's had a curry.
Do you not worry, though, that without the physical contact Trevor might, you know, look elsewhere? - Not really.
- No.
Can nobody call me on this phone? I need the line free for Lee in case Suze goes into labour.
Will you drive down straightaway? I'd ride down there on a unicycle, Carol.
It's my first grandchild.
I was beginning to think Lee and Suze weren't going to have any kids.
I wonder what took them so long.
You've seen Suze.
I just don't think he was trying hard enough.
- They don't need us down there.
- Alan, they need all the help they can get.
Not that they'll appreciate it.
I don't know why I bother trying to do things for people.
Neither do I.
Why don't you try not doing them? Oh, you'll be all right.
They spend days in labour now, don't they? Mostly swimming around in the birthing pool.
We never had no messing.
Our Mark shot out.
"Like a ping-pong ball," john said.
Though how he'd know what a ping-pong ball looks like shooting out of there I don't know.
Oh, hi.
Are you sure he's on this train? Yeah, I checked.
It's going to make us late, Alan.
He's never minded making other people dance to his tune.
He's probably latched onto some poor old girl straight off the plane.
He'll be sat in the back of a taxi with her now, showing her the picture of his hacienda.
- Oh, give him a chance,john.
- You can always rely on Mick to let you down.
If he said he's coming, he'll be here.
- What did I tell you? - (CHUCKLING) - You silly old sod! - (CHUCKLES) Ten seconds before he mentions the weather in Spain.
Could at least have arranged some decent weather for me.
I was five seconds out.
Maureen, how are you? - You haven't changed.
- (LAUGHS) Joyce.
And you must be Carol.
All right, sweetheart? Alan's told me all about you.
Yes, well, now we've all said hello, shall we make a move? Johnny boy! How are you, big man? Well, come on, give us a smile, at least.
Jesus, you lot could do with some cheering up.
We're going to a funeral.
Oh, no, you're absolutely right,john.
Absolutely right.
Poor jean .
I mean, it's such a shock to me.
Hit me like a sledgehammer right here.
When you've been married to someone for 20 years, you know, the loss is like How can I describe it? It's likeit's like It's almost a physical sensation.
Do you know what I mean? Elena was devastated when she heard.
Who's Elena? My wife.
We met through this online dating agency that specialises in pairing up UK men with Eastern European women.
You probably think that sounds a bit seedy.
- Yes.
- But it's actually a fantastic way to meet people.
- And is it - Wonderful? - legal? - Oh, no, it's all completely above board.
She's got a visa, and everything.
It's amazing, the connection we made - in such a short space of time, you know? - Hi.
It's so nice to meet you all.
I've heard a lot about you.
Isn't she beautiful? Right, lead on.
Come on,then.
You never tell me I look nice.
You look nice.
It's got to be spontaneous, Alan.
Ooh, you look nice.
Put your bags in here.
Oh, let's move this stuff out of the way.
It's my mum's.
We'll get rid of all of her junk when she moves into a care home.
In my country we don't have old people's homes so much.
If you are very old, like a grandmother, you live with your family.
They look after you.
You're part of everything.
And you think that's better? No, I think it's much worse.
She seems very nice.
Oh What a gentleman.
We got time for a coffee? We've got to get flowers, Alan.
I'm not going empty-handed.
Well, maybe you could get them while me and Mick have a quick catch up.
Joyce, this is Thurnemouth, not Las Vegas.
We're not going to wake up in a hotel room on Monday covered in cocaine and lap dancers, are we? Look, you've kept up with all your old friends.
I never see mine.
(WHISPERS) just don't embarrass me, Alan.
So, which boozer are we going to? Er, I thought we might get a coffee.
Coffee? Yeah, there's a café at the front.
You know, they do nice, um, you know, custard cakes.
Mm Or we might go to the pub.
What a good idea, Alan.
Is that going to be OK with your missus? Well, it better be cos that's what we're doing.
John, what do you think? Tres cervezas? (ALAN CHUCKLES) - Are you driving, Carol? - Don't sound so surprised.
Don't think I've ever seen you drive.
Well, normally, Trevor does all the driving, but I'm trying to be a bit more independent.
The counsellor says it helps to stop any feelings of resentment I might have towards Trevor for controlling aspects of my personal freedom.
You go, girl.
just shows you what you could do when you put your mind to it, eh? We just need to stop off at the florist.
There's one (GEARS CRUNCH) There's one at the end of the high street.
Hasn't Elena got a lovely smile? Such wonderful clear skin.
What do they talk about, do you think? I shouldn't think they do much talking.
I knew we shouldn't have come with him.
Now we're the ones arriving with the Russian tart.
Oh, you're wrong about her, Joyce.
Yeah.
She's Lithuanian.
(# CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Fortunate Son) (CRUNCHING) Some folks are born Made to wave the flag Ooh, they're red, white and blue #And when the band plays Hail To The Chief Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord And it ain't me It ain't me I ain't no senator's son, son It ain't me It ain't me All the fun people from back home are either dead or crocked.
Remember Dave Phillips? Used to do a brilliant Tom Jones.
- I remember Dave.
- Diabetes.
Lost eight of his toes.
Jesus.
Poor sod.
- Certainly put a crimp in his Delilah.
- (ALAN CHUCKLES) No, itit is nice here.
It's really nice but I couldn't live - somewhere like this.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that, then? Well, john, in Spain we'd call it "aburrido", which means, like, nothing to do.
You lot must be bored out of your minds in the winter.
You should all come over and stay with us next year.
The place is way big enough.
There's always plenty to do here, actually.
It's nice, but it's not exactly party town, is it? I didn't know it was party town you were looking for, Alan.
- So, you're from Lithuania? - Yes.
That's one of the Baltic States, isn't it? Correct.
I think your chief exports are textiles and wood pulp.
Is that what men want, do you think? Young Eastern European women? I can't see john meeting a foreign girl online.
I wish Alan would.
She could come over and do my bloody ironing for me.
Oh, there's one there, look.
- I won't get in there.
- You will! It won't fit in there, Joyce, I promise you.
I've always been a very good judge of length.
It's all right, Carol.
Drive round again.
You should all be abroad, enjoying yourselves more.
I mean, look at this lot.
They all look bloody miserable.
- We deserve better than that, don't we? - What's wrong with this? No, I'm just saying, we're part of a golden generation, aren't we? Baby boomers, although I don't like the phrase.
In Spain, we say "niños de la posguerra", and thatthat, you know, that captures it so much better for me.
But look what we did in the '60s.
We had the first heart transplant, we landed on the moon What do you mean, we? I mean "we".
We changed the world for the better.
- Did we? - Even Joyce? Oh, that's nice, Alan, when she's not here to defend herself.
Oh, john, john, john.
There must be something we agree on.
Who was your first crush? - Diana Dors.
- No! Brigitte Bardot.
My first crush was Carol.
Keep it light, Trevor(!) Ooh, look at that.
Leeds, 1968.
I look like a pipe cleaner wearing someone's demob suit.
No belly showing there, eh? Is this Weymouth? - You remember Weymouth? Great holiday.
- Great holiday.
That's me and Maureen.
Me and Maureen again.
Ooh, and again.
And, well, of course, Lithuania was the last country in Europe to be converted to Christianity, in 1387, I believe.
Amazing.
Oh, well, I have a friend who travels there quite a lot.
Michael Freeman? You don't know him? Michael used to work with me at Midland back in the day.
He was also the first person to run the Asplin 5, the first bit of accounting software to be covered by the UK Financial Services IT legislation in 1976.
Stop me if I'm boring.
No, it's very fascinating.
I don't know how you keep so much in your head.
Ah,well We'll have to park it somewhere, Carol.
I've got no signal till we get back up the hill.
- Is that a space there? - Where? - There.
- I can't see.
Oh, it's gone.
You've got to dive in, Carol.
- I'm not much of a diver-inner.
- What about there? - No, I won't fit in there, Joyce.
- You will! She won't get in there.
I'll have to go round again.
She might be having the baby now.
Carol, my love, you've got to park it somewhere, otherwise we won't be able to get out, will we? I think she's doing very well.
(QUIETLY) Trevor moved out of the bedroom on Tuesday.
- Oh.
-Yeah.
That must be difficult for you.
Not really.
I didn't notice till Thursday.
Just go round again, love.
And we've got the best police force and the best health service.
Ha! I've been to doctors in Spain.
They're bloody useless.
They can't understand you, and no matter what you go in with they end up giving you an injection up your arse.
They don't do that! Flu, shingles, chest pain, straight up the backside.
By the time the Spanish people get to our age they've got bums like dartboards.
Ignore him.
- Ruth and Pete.
- What? Ruth and Pete.
Moved out there last year with his gammy leg.
They have to take a translator every time they go to the doctor's.
He's been on prescription for six months and they only found out a month ago it was for erectile dysfunction.
Erectile dysfunction?! Translator messed up there, didn't he, eh? Oh, Ruth's got a smile on her face, but Pete's leg is still flopping round like a rubber hose.
- I'm getting another round in.
- Another one? Oh, I've only got euros.
Cover me, Trevor.
My friends said, "What are you doing with an old man?" But I said to them, "We talk, and he makes me laugh, same as your husband.
" And my mother said, "How can you have an old man lying on top of you "with his old-man skin pressing against your young-woman skin?" I said to my mother, "If I want to marry an older man from another country, I will do it.
" You're so easy to talk to.
You Where are you? We had to go round again.
We had somebody up our backside.
I can see her.
Tell her to get ready.
I can't stop long.
She's ready.
Nip in there.
- No.
What? - There's somebody behind me.
- Can you stop? - Sorry, love.
- Carol, can you stop? Carol! (SIGHS) Catch her next time, eh? This guythis guy, back in the day, any bar in town, he was first in, last out.
He was a monster.
Alan,were you or were you not a monster? I was a monster.
Oh, are we not walking it? - We've got a car.
- How far is it? - Oh, it's just down the road.
- We've got a car.
Midweek at the crematorium? You'll never find a parking place up there.
- See, they're queuing up, mate.
- It's the same everywhere.
People die in Spain as well, you know.
This could be your last chance to do this journey on foot.
That's it, we're walking.
All I've been doing is complaining.
Not at all.
But sometimes it's good - to talk about problems to a stranger.
- Mm-hm.
Some people in this country have difficulty to talk about personal things.
Absolutely.
A lot of the English are terribly repressed.
- It's very unhealthy.
- I know.
We don't have the same problem in Europe.
No? We talk more freely about sex, for example.
- So do I.
- It's normal to discuss this.
Exactly.
Like talking about the weather.
We talk about when we do it, how we do it, where we do it.
Where do you and your wife like to make love? Well, it varies occasionally, but mainly in Thurnemouth.
Oh, I hate funerals.
They always make me feel fat.
What you doing? It's this way.
I'm trying to get a signal.
Now, what time's this service again? 4.
15.
Is this the right one? I don't know.
Don't see anybody I recognise.
I don't know anybody.
The only one I'd know is jean, and then only if she's wearing her trackie and headband, and I don't suppose she'll have them on today.
What time is it now? Four o'clock.
Oh,where's Alan? Oh, we've still got time.
Jean won't be arriving for another ten minutes.
Who's this, then? Can't be jean.
You don't have the coffin arriving first.
Well, she was always the first one home on our power walks.
We've got more oranges than we know what to do with, Alan.
You've got to come over in the winter.
They start ripening in about November.
That is absolutely the best time to be eating them.
Sounds amazing.
- Does it? - What's that, john? I mean, does it sound amazing, really? I mean, it's oranges, mate.
We've got loads of them in Lidl.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, but not like these, john.
I mean, these are huge.
The juice from one orange would fill a glass carafe.
I mean, they're like this.
Bigger than the ones we get over here.
Those are the ones we get over here.
We import them.
Yeah, but over there you can pick them off a tree.
With my back? I'm not picking them off a tree.
We just go in, then, do we, or are we waiting? (WHISPERS) I don't know, Carol.
I still haven't seen anybody I know.
They could all be from Graham's side.
Where the bloody hell's Alan? I knew I shouldn't have let him off his lead.
Doesn't know which one it is.
How could he not know? He said they go through every 15 minutes, so they've got a rough schedule, but they've had a couple of humanist ceremonies today and that always throws the timings out.
What's the difference? Oh, humanist ones go on for ever, don't they? I mean, every two minutes somebody jumps up and reads a poem or gets a bloody guitar out.
That's not a funeral.
That's Britain's Got Talent.
Is that jean, do you think? I don't know, Carol.
It's hard to tell from here(!) ELENA: In Lithuania, before a funeral, the dead person lies at their home fora day so everyone can come and see the body.
- Hmm.
- You don't have that here? Oh, no.
I certainly wouldn't want to lie in state at our house.
There's not a lot of space in the living room, for one thing.
II suppose they could put me where the coffee table is.
Ah, but no, then you wouldn't be able to see the telly.
(LAUGHS) You're very funny.
- Am I? - Yes.
You're always making jokes.
Well, I suppose I am, really.
At work, I was always thought of as the office clown.
If I was to pick an older man, I should have picked someone like you - kind.
I think you did all right.
No.
Mick's not a kind man.
That's one of the reasons I'm leaving him.
That, and he's lost all our money.
I can't get through to Trevor.
We'll have to go in without them.
Well, we still haven't seen anybody we know, Maureen.
Well, they might have gone in before we got here.
Go and check if it's her.
I'm not taking the bloody lid off.
You don't have to take the lid off.
There's probably a nameplate.
I haven't got my reading glasses.
Oh, for God's sake.
(WHISPERS) Bye.
Bye.
(MOUTHS) (THEY LAUGH) - You all right? - I'm fine, Trev, yeah.
Just staying out of the way of the man from Del Monte, in case he mentions his pool-heating system again.
Oh, he hasn't got one.
What do you mean? He hasn't got a pool or a villa.
He's broke.
I've been talking to Elena.
He's blown all his money on a dodgy property deal in Málaga.
They're living in a rented flat by the runway at Alicante airport.
She's leaving him,john.
Yes! "We all have our own memories of jean, which we treasure.
"She was a special person with so many wonderful qualities.
" Lovely.
"I'll always remember the time she did the Cherry Hill circuit - "in 38 minutes flat.
" - Yeah, you see - What? - That's - That's walking again, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's all been about walking, Carol, and I'm not sure many people are going to relate to that.
Although, we are celebrating Jean's life, aren't we? And power walking was part of that life.
People like finding something new out at funerals.
Keeps it fresh.
Here we go.
They're playing her last song.
(# IRVING BERLIN: Puttin' On The Ritz) Oh, there's some of Jean's.
Oh.
See? All here on time.
Told you I wouldn't show you up.
This is so jean, isn't it? It's perfect.
- It's the next one.
- What? This is a different service.
What do you mean? Stop dancing.
You been in the pub? No.
He's a card, isn't he? Scrapes he's been in.
I tell you what, mate, it makes you wonder how he's managed to be as successful as he has.
It's funny you should say that, because Sometimes, when it's pissing it down with rain, or Joyce is into her second hour in Matalan without buying anything, I think about Mick, sitting by his pool as the sun goes down over the mountains, and I think, "One day, mate, one day, I'm coming to join you.
" He's got it all sorted, hasn't he? Yeah, he's got it sorted.
(# PROCOL HARUM: A Whiter Shade Of Pale) (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) (WHISPERS) Sorry.
Welcome to this celebration of Jean's life.
The first contributor today is Jean's great friend Carol.
I'm very honoured (PHONE RINGS) (WHISPERS) Lee! All right, all right.
Yeah, we'll see you soon.
Baby's coming.
Baby's coming.
First granddaughter.
What are you doing? We're driving down there.
The car's at the pub.
- What pub? - I've only had a couple of pints.
Oh, my God, we're going to miss it.
Well, it takes one hour per unit to wear off, so Alan, this is not the 1970s.
You can't drive down to Cornwall drunk.
ALAN: You look nice! I'll always remember the time she did the Cherry Hill circuit in 38 minutes flat.
- It's amazing - You all right, mate? I've made a bit of a mess of things.
You showed up.
That's the main thing.
Gracias.
Ripped By mstoll I've cried through many endless nights Just holding my pillow tight Then you came into my lonely days With your tender In vin ' sweet ways Now, I don't know where you come from, baby Don't know where you've been, my baby Heaven must have sent you Into my arms Now in the morning when I awake
Is it cardboard or plastic? Hang on a minute, Lee.
There's separate bins for everything, Alan.
Yeah, well, I know that.
I just don't know which one it goes in.
It's got a bit of both in it.
Well, it's not rocket science.
Just pick a bin, any bin, and get rid of it.
Not that one.
Oh, it's your dad.
He's faffing about again.
Getting ready for a funeral.
Yeah, you remember Jean? Darren's mum.
Yeah, little Darren, used to play with on your little scooters.
Yeah, that's right, little Darren.
Well, his mum's dead.
So, you just let us know as soon as Sue's waters break and we'll drive straight down.
They don't want us there.
Well, we're coming and that's that.
We are.
I know you don't want to put us out but it's our first grandchild, Lee.
Well, we're coming, and that's that.
We are.
We are.
She's there, isn't she? Yeah, I know she's there, Lee.
Anyway, you just let us know.
Yeah, love to everyone.
She was there.
I could feel it.
We'll just drive straight down, soon as her waters break.
Well, this is nice, isn't it? We never do anything together.
We're going to a funeral.
It's better than nothing, Alan.
What time's Mick getting here? Oh, he's due in about half an hour.
Be great to see him again.
- Must be seven or eight years.
- Pff.
Yeah, we all know you never liked him.
I saw what he put jean through.
She got well shot of him.
Don't know why you're bringing him.
Well, he's my oldest friend.
You've seen off all the rest.
And it his ex-wife's funeral.
I can't stop him going.
He's going to spoil it for everyone.
Well, you know, bring everyone down.
At a funeral?! Be good to see Mick again after all these years.
- Yeah.
- He was always good value, wasn't he? That's what you want at a funeral, someone to give everyone a bit of a lift, jolly people along, otherwise things can get a bit flat.
He'll jolly the women along, that's for sure.
Huh? He tries a little bit harder with the ladies, I seem to remember.
He certainly tried hard enough with you.
You're not still thinking of that holiday in Weymouth? He was after you, Maureen, and it wasn't just in Weymouth.
Don't be silly.
He was just messing about.
He wasn't messing about.
He was all over you like a rash.
Please, don't give him a hard time, john.
It's a funeral.
Let's just try and enjoy it, hmm? John, he is nearly 70 years old.
What's he going to do? Dribble on me? I'm nearly 70 years old.
I can't believe she's gone.
She was fine last time I saw her.
Well, I was talking to her on Skype ages back and she definitely looked very pale.
Mind you, that might have been our broadband reception.
It's always worse in the kitchen.
I'm supposed to be doing a tribute and I don't really know what to say for it.
It's a bit awkward, really.
I didn't know her that well.
Only saw her once a week at power walking.
Well, what did they ask you for, then? (SIGHS) Graham's only been seeing her for six months.
I don't think he really knows who her close friends are.
New relationships, always difficult.
I mean, you take on their friends, their family but, at our age, you've got to weigh up the chances of being lumbered with their funeral and all.
What you gonna say? Oh, not too much.
Don't want to bore everybody.
Most of my memories of jean are mainly power walking based.
- Sad day.
- Oh, yeah, very sad.
We're going to too many of these.
I'm not looking forward to it.
Well, not with Mick coming over.
Yeah, this one's hit us particularly hard.
We were very close to Jill.
- Jean.
- Jean! God! Jean.
Oh No, itit's all right.
I'll get it right at the service.
I'm using special memory techniques.
If you think of going on a journey, then everything you need to remember is a landmark or an object on that journey.
So, for instance, in this case, say I'm going to the shops and on the way I see Jill getting out of - a blue Nissan Micra -jean.
No, hang on.
Dave Pocock's got a blue Nissan.
Now I'm thinking of his wife.
What's her name? I never really got on with Mick, you know? There's a type of person, Trevor, who can't help getting a bit too full of themselves.
Ah, well, I've always tried to keep an even keel myself.
Exactly, and you've done very well.
- Your head's not been turned, has it? - No.
Ah, but Mick, to my mind, is that kind of person.
Flash, expat bugger.
They come swanning over here as if they're God's gift.
You watch.
See how long it is before he mentions how hot it is in Spain, or wherever he lives now.
I could have gone to Spain, deserted my country in its hour of need but I chose to stay here and make sure my tax goes to making this country better.
Aye.
Anybody who doesn't back their own country is a scumbag as far as I'm concerned.
Gloria.
What? Dave Pocock's wife.
Gloria.
Huh! That was going to drive me mad.
(HORN BEEPS) Christ! Slow down, Alan! I thought you wanted to hurry up? I want to live, is what I want to do.
(SIGHS) And what have I told you about not tucking your shirt in so tight? It shows all your belly.
Growing every day, that thing.
It's like something out of The Ouatermass Experiment.
It's the style, Joyce.
Since when have you been bothered about style?! This is what happens when you buy your own shirts.
I've told you before about staying with me in Marks, haven't I? You'll like Mick.
He's a real character.
Never been very lucky in love, though.
Disastrous marriage he had.
- How are things with Trevor? - Well, we're living separately in the house, trying to rediscover each other.
Separate bedrooms? It establishes the boundaries of stage one of the rebuilding process.
We do the same thing when John's had a curry.
Do you not worry, though, that without the physical contact Trevor might, you know, look elsewhere? - Not really.
- No.
Can nobody call me on this phone? I need the line free for Lee in case Suze goes into labour.
Will you drive down straightaway? I'd ride down there on a unicycle, Carol.
It's my first grandchild.
I was beginning to think Lee and Suze weren't going to have any kids.
I wonder what took them so long.
You've seen Suze.
I just don't think he was trying hard enough.
- They don't need us down there.
- Alan, they need all the help they can get.
Not that they'll appreciate it.
I don't know why I bother trying to do things for people.
Neither do I.
Why don't you try not doing them? Oh, you'll be all right.
They spend days in labour now, don't they? Mostly swimming around in the birthing pool.
We never had no messing.
Our Mark shot out.
"Like a ping-pong ball," john said.
Though how he'd know what a ping-pong ball looks like shooting out of there I don't know.
Oh, hi.
Are you sure he's on this train? Yeah, I checked.
It's going to make us late, Alan.
He's never minded making other people dance to his tune.
He's probably latched onto some poor old girl straight off the plane.
He'll be sat in the back of a taxi with her now, showing her the picture of his hacienda.
- Oh, give him a chance,john.
- You can always rely on Mick to let you down.
If he said he's coming, he'll be here.
- What did I tell you? - (CHUCKLING) - You silly old sod! - (CHUCKLES) Ten seconds before he mentions the weather in Spain.
Could at least have arranged some decent weather for me.
I was five seconds out.
Maureen, how are you? - You haven't changed.
- (LAUGHS) Joyce.
And you must be Carol.
All right, sweetheart? Alan's told me all about you.
Yes, well, now we've all said hello, shall we make a move? Johnny boy! How are you, big man? Well, come on, give us a smile, at least.
Jesus, you lot could do with some cheering up.
We're going to a funeral.
Oh, no, you're absolutely right,john.
Absolutely right.
Poor jean .
I mean, it's such a shock to me.
Hit me like a sledgehammer right here.
When you've been married to someone for 20 years, you know, the loss is like How can I describe it? It's likeit's like It's almost a physical sensation.
Do you know what I mean? Elena was devastated when she heard.
Who's Elena? My wife.
We met through this online dating agency that specialises in pairing up UK men with Eastern European women.
You probably think that sounds a bit seedy.
- Yes.
- But it's actually a fantastic way to meet people.
- And is it - Wonderful? - legal? - Oh, no, it's all completely above board.
She's got a visa, and everything.
It's amazing, the connection we made - in such a short space of time, you know? - Hi.
It's so nice to meet you all.
I've heard a lot about you.
Isn't she beautiful? Right, lead on.
Come on,then.
You never tell me I look nice.
You look nice.
It's got to be spontaneous, Alan.
Ooh, you look nice.
Put your bags in here.
Oh, let's move this stuff out of the way.
It's my mum's.
We'll get rid of all of her junk when she moves into a care home.
In my country we don't have old people's homes so much.
If you are very old, like a grandmother, you live with your family.
They look after you.
You're part of everything.
And you think that's better? No, I think it's much worse.
She seems very nice.
Oh What a gentleman.
We got time for a coffee? We've got to get flowers, Alan.
I'm not going empty-handed.
Well, maybe you could get them while me and Mick have a quick catch up.
Joyce, this is Thurnemouth, not Las Vegas.
We're not going to wake up in a hotel room on Monday covered in cocaine and lap dancers, are we? Look, you've kept up with all your old friends.
I never see mine.
(WHISPERS) just don't embarrass me, Alan.
So, which boozer are we going to? Er, I thought we might get a coffee.
Coffee? Yeah, there's a café at the front.
You know, they do nice, um, you know, custard cakes.
Mm Or we might go to the pub.
What a good idea, Alan.
Is that going to be OK with your missus? Well, it better be cos that's what we're doing.
John, what do you think? Tres cervezas? (ALAN CHUCKLES) - Are you driving, Carol? - Don't sound so surprised.
Don't think I've ever seen you drive.
Well, normally, Trevor does all the driving, but I'm trying to be a bit more independent.
The counsellor says it helps to stop any feelings of resentment I might have towards Trevor for controlling aspects of my personal freedom.
You go, girl.
just shows you what you could do when you put your mind to it, eh? We just need to stop off at the florist.
There's one (GEARS CRUNCH) There's one at the end of the high street.
Hasn't Elena got a lovely smile? Such wonderful clear skin.
What do they talk about, do you think? I shouldn't think they do much talking.
I knew we shouldn't have come with him.
Now we're the ones arriving with the Russian tart.
Oh, you're wrong about her, Joyce.
Yeah.
She's Lithuanian.
(# CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL: Fortunate Son) (CRUNCHING) Some folks are born Made to wave the flag Ooh, they're red, white and blue #And when the band plays Hail To The Chief Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord And it ain't me It ain't me I ain't no senator's son, son It ain't me It ain't me All the fun people from back home are either dead or crocked.
Remember Dave Phillips? Used to do a brilliant Tom Jones.
- I remember Dave.
- Diabetes.
Lost eight of his toes.
Jesus.
Poor sod.
- Certainly put a crimp in his Delilah.
- (ALAN CHUCKLES) No, itit is nice here.
It's really nice but I couldn't live - somewhere like this.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that, then? Well, john, in Spain we'd call it "aburrido", which means, like, nothing to do.
You lot must be bored out of your minds in the winter.
You should all come over and stay with us next year.
The place is way big enough.
There's always plenty to do here, actually.
It's nice, but it's not exactly party town, is it? I didn't know it was party town you were looking for, Alan.
- So, you're from Lithuania? - Yes.
That's one of the Baltic States, isn't it? Correct.
I think your chief exports are textiles and wood pulp.
Is that what men want, do you think? Young Eastern European women? I can't see john meeting a foreign girl online.
I wish Alan would.
She could come over and do my bloody ironing for me.
Oh, there's one there, look.
- I won't get in there.
- You will! It won't fit in there, Joyce, I promise you.
I've always been a very good judge of length.
It's all right, Carol.
Drive round again.
You should all be abroad, enjoying yourselves more.
I mean, look at this lot.
They all look bloody miserable.
- We deserve better than that, don't we? - What's wrong with this? No, I'm just saying, we're part of a golden generation, aren't we? Baby boomers, although I don't like the phrase.
In Spain, we say "niños de la posguerra", and thatthat, you know, that captures it so much better for me.
But look what we did in the '60s.
We had the first heart transplant, we landed on the moon What do you mean, we? I mean "we".
We changed the world for the better.
- Did we? - Even Joyce? Oh, that's nice, Alan, when she's not here to defend herself.
Oh, john, john, john.
There must be something we agree on.
Who was your first crush? - Diana Dors.
- No! Brigitte Bardot.
My first crush was Carol.
Keep it light, Trevor(!) Ooh, look at that.
Leeds, 1968.
I look like a pipe cleaner wearing someone's demob suit.
No belly showing there, eh? Is this Weymouth? - You remember Weymouth? Great holiday.
- Great holiday.
That's me and Maureen.
Me and Maureen again.
Ooh, and again.
And, well, of course, Lithuania was the last country in Europe to be converted to Christianity, in 1387, I believe.
Amazing.
Oh, well, I have a friend who travels there quite a lot.
Michael Freeman? You don't know him? Michael used to work with me at Midland back in the day.
He was also the first person to run the Asplin 5, the first bit of accounting software to be covered by the UK Financial Services IT legislation in 1976.
Stop me if I'm boring.
No, it's very fascinating.
I don't know how you keep so much in your head.
Ah,well We'll have to park it somewhere, Carol.
I've got no signal till we get back up the hill.
- Is that a space there? - Where? - There.
- I can't see.
Oh, it's gone.
You've got to dive in, Carol.
- I'm not much of a diver-inner.
- What about there? - No, I won't fit in there, Joyce.
- You will! She won't get in there.
I'll have to go round again.
She might be having the baby now.
Carol, my love, you've got to park it somewhere, otherwise we won't be able to get out, will we? I think she's doing very well.
(QUIETLY) Trevor moved out of the bedroom on Tuesday.
- Oh.
-Yeah.
That must be difficult for you.
Not really.
I didn't notice till Thursday.
Just go round again, love.
And we've got the best police force and the best health service.
Ha! I've been to doctors in Spain.
They're bloody useless.
They can't understand you, and no matter what you go in with they end up giving you an injection up your arse.
They don't do that! Flu, shingles, chest pain, straight up the backside.
By the time the Spanish people get to our age they've got bums like dartboards.
Ignore him.
- Ruth and Pete.
- What? Ruth and Pete.
Moved out there last year with his gammy leg.
They have to take a translator every time they go to the doctor's.
He's been on prescription for six months and they only found out a month ago it was for erectile dysfunction.
Erectile dysfunction?! Translator messed up there, didn't he, eh? Oh, Ruth's got a smile on her face, but Pete's leg is still flopping round like a rubber hose.
- I'm getting another round in.
- Another one? Oh, I've only got euros.
Cover me, Trevor.
My friends said, "What are you doing with an old man?" But I said to them, "We talk, and he makes me laugh, same as your husband.
" And my mother said, "How can you have an old man lying on top of you "with his old-man skin pressing against your young-woman skin?" I said to my mother, "If I want to marry an older man from another country, I will do it.
" You're so easy to talk to.
You Where are you? We had to go round again.
We had somebody up our backside.
I can see her.
Tell her to get ready.
I can't stop long.
She's ready.
Nip in there.
- No.
What? - There's somebody behind me.
- Can you stop? - Sorry, love.
- Carol, can you stop? Carol! (SIGHS) Catch her next time, eh? This guythis guy, back in the day, any bar in town, he was first in, last out.
He was a monster.
Alan,were you or were you not a monster? I was a monster.
Oh, are we not walking it? - We've got a car.
- How far is it? - Oh, it's just down the road.
- We've got a car.
Midweek at the crematorium? You'll never find a parking place up there.
- See, they're queuing up, mate.
- It's the same everywhere.
People die in Spain as well, you know.
This could be your last chance to do this journey on foot.
That's it, we're walking.
All I've been doing is complaining.
Not at all.
But sometimes it's good - to talk about problems to a stranger.
- Mm-hm.
Some people in this country have difficulty to talk about personal things.
Absolutely.
A lot of the English are terribly repressed.
- It's very unhealthy.
- I know.
We don't have the same problem in Europe.
No? We talk more freely about sex, for example.
- So do I.
- It's normal to discuss this.
Exactly.
Like talking about the weather.
We talk about when we do it, how we do it, where we do it.
Where do you and your wife like to make love? Well, it varies occasionally, but mainly in Thurnemouth.
Oh, I hate funerals.
They always make me feel fat.
What you doing? It's this way.
I'm trying to get a signal.
Now, what time's this service again? 4.
15.
Is this the right one? I don't know.
Don't see anybody I recognise.
I don't know anybody.
The only one I'd know is jean, and then only if she's wearing her trackie and headband, and I don't suppose she'll have them on today.
What time is it now? Four o'clock.
Oh,where's Alan? Oh, we've still got time.
Jean won't be arriving for another ten minutes.
Who's this, then? Can't be jean.
You don't have the coffin arriving first.
Well, she was always the first one home on our power walks.
We've got more oranges than we know what to do with, Alan.
You've got to come over in the winter.
They start ripening in about November.
That is absolutely the best time to be eating them.
Sounds amazing.
- Does it? - What's that, john? I mean, does it sound amazing, really? I mean, it's oranges, mate.
We've got loads of them in Lidl.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, but not like these, john.
I mean, these are huge.
The juice from one orange would fill a glass carafe.
I mean, they're like this.
Bigger than the ones we get over here.
Those are the ones we get over here.
We import them.
Yeah, but over there you can pick them off a tree.
With my back? I'm not picking them off a tree.
We just go in, then, do we, or are we waiting? (WHISPERS) I don't know, Carol.
I still haven't seen anybody I know.
They could all be from Graham's side.
Where the bloody hell's Alan? I knew I shouldn't have let him off his lead.
Doesn't know which one it is.
How could he not know? He said they go through every 15 minutes, so they've got a rough schedule, but they've had a couple of humanist ceremonies today and that always throws the timings out.
What's the difference? Oh, humanist ones go on for ever, don't they? I mean, every two minutes somebody jumps up and reads a poem or gets a bloody guitar out.
That's not a funeral.
That's Britain's Got Talent.
Is that jean, do you think? I don't know, Carol.
It's hard to tell from here(!) ELENA: In Lithuania, before a funeral, the dead person lies at their home fora day so everyone can come and see the body.
- Hmm.
- You don't have that here? Oh, no.
I certainly wouldn't want to lie in state at our house.
There's not a lot of space in the living room, for one thing.
II suppose they could put me where the coffee table is.
Ah, but no, then you wouldn't be able to see the telly.
(LAUGHS) You're very funny.
- Am I? - Yes.
You're always making jokes.
Well, I suppose I am, really.
At work, I was always thought of as the office clown.
If I was to pick an older man, I should have picked someone like you - kind.
I think you did all right.
No.
Mick's not a kind man.
That's one of the reasons I'm leaving him.
That, and he's lost all our money.
I can't get through to Trevor.
We'll have to go in without them.
Well, we still haven't seen anybody we know, Maureen.
Well, they might have gone in before we got here.
Go and check if it's her.
I'm not taking the bloody lid off.
You don't have to take the lid off.
There's probably a nameplate.
I haven't got my reading glasses.
Oh, for God's sake.
(WHISPERS) Bye.
Bye.
(MOUTHS) (THEY LAUGH) - You all right? - I'm fine, Trev, yeah.
Just staying out of the way of the man from Del Monte, in case he mentions his pool-heating system again.
Oh, he hasn't got one.
What do you mean? He hasn't got a pool or a villa.
He's broke.
I've been talking to Elena.
He's blown all his money on a dodgy property deal in Málaga.
They're living in a rented flat by the runway at Alicante airport.
She's leaving him,john.
Yes! "We all have our own memories of jean, which we treasure.
"She was a special person with so many wonderful qualities.
" Lovely.
"I'll always remember the time she did the Cherry Hill circuit - "in 38 minutes flat.
" - Yeah, you see - What? - That's - That's walking again, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's all been about walking, Carol, and I'm not sure many people are going to relate to that.
Although, we are celebrating Jean's life, aren't we? And power walking was part of that life.
People like finding something new out at funerals.
Keeps it fresh.
Here we go.
They're playing her last song.
(# IRVING BERLIN: Puttin' On The Ritz) Oh, there's some of Jean's.
Oh.
See? All here on time.
Told you I wouldn't show you up.
This is so jean, isn't it? It's perfect.
- It's the next one.
- What? This is a different service.
What do you mean? Stop dancing.
You been in the pub? No.
He's a card, isn't he? Scrapes he's been in.
I tell you what, mate, it makes you wonder how he's managed to be as successful as he has.
It's funny you should say that, because Sometimes, when it's pissing it down with rain, or Joyce is into her second hour in Matalan without buying anything, I think about Mick, sitting by his pool as the sun goes down over the mountains, and I think, "One day, mate, one day, I'm coming to join you.
" He's got it all sorted, hasn't he? Yeah, he's got it sorted.
(# PROCOL HARUM: A Whiter Shade Of Pale) (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) (WHISPERS) Sorry.
Welcome to this celebration of Jean's life.
The first contributor today is Jean's great friend Carol.
I'm very honoured (PHONE RINGS) (WHISPERS) Lee! All right, all right.
Yeah, we'll see you soon.
Baby's coming.
Baby's coming.
First granddaughter.
What are you doing? We're driving down there.
The car's at the pub.
- What pub? - I've only had a couple of pints.
Oh, my God, we're going to miss it.
Well, it takes one hour per unit to wear off, so Alan, this is not the 1970s.
You can't drive down to Cornwall drunk.
ALAN: You look nice! I'll always remember the time she did the Cherry Hill circuit in 38 minutes flat.
- It's amazing - You all right, mate? I've made a bit of a mess of things.
You showed up.
That's the main thing.
Gracias.
Ripped By mstoll I've cried through many endless nights Just holding my pillow tight Then you came into my lonely days With your tender In vin ' sweet ways Now, I don't know where you come from, baby Don't know where you've been, my baby Heaven must have sent you Into my arms Now in the morning when I awake