Borderline (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Profiling
1 # No doubt about it # I'm on my way # Taking over # I'm here to stay-ay-ay # One day you'll be looking # But things'll come my way # Don't drop, don' t tell me to stop # Cos I' ll be taking over today # I'm taking over this whole place # I'm on my way to outer space Borderline S01E01 - Profiling subs by havenofear More and more people visit the UK each year.
At Northend Airport, border agents deal with this influx every day.
This morning, Chief Inspector Linda Proctor introduces her team to the most recent strategy on handling the complex and sensitive issue of immigration.
The Home Office have issued a new directive.
The three Os.
''Out Of the Ordinary.
'" If you see anything out of the ordinary, first detain it, then find out about it.
Stop first, ask questions later.
Andy? What qualifies as out of the ordinary? Well, like a man with a bomb, or A guy in a turban? Yeah.
No ! No, absolutely not.
Sorry, Karim.
I don't care.
Well, you're asking us to detain anything out of the ordinary without due process.
Sounds like profiling.
No! No-one should be using that word.
Grant? What's profiling? What you do every day, Grant.
No, I don't.
Do I? Actually, you do.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, man.
Aw, man.
I mean I'm definitely going to have to ask you some questions.
I mean, come on.
This is not coming from me, this is from the Home Office.
My bosses.
Your employers.
So, you know, we have to do what they say.
Because this is a great place to work, right, Clive? Yes, ma'am! I really like working here.
When I was at school I did a test and they said that this is the job I should do.
Um And I was like, "OK.
" What can we do to show the Home Office that we are being tougher? Drugs! What? I detained a traveller with drugs.
So Drugs.
Well, that's great! Obviously, that's terrible, but it's a step in the right direction.
Status on that? Hold on, hold on, hold on, OK.
I'll be five Countdown from five I'm just getting Here we go, I got it, I got it, and I'm back.
His name is Kier No wrong file.
Wrong file.
I've been Chief Inspector here at Northend for ten years now, on and off.
We don't talk about the off bit, it was just stress.
OK.
His name is Stefano Rocco.
He is a DJ in from Ibiza and I found three grams of cocaine in him - on him.
On him.
On his person.
DJ Stefano Rocco? Correct.
Great news for Chief Inspector Proctor, but bad news for one of her agents, as DJ Stefano Rocco turns out to be a familiar face.
I'm agent Tariq Mansoor.
I know that guy from my DJing days.
I'm a DJ.
You can found my SoundCloud, DJ Merlin, hit me up, I do events.
Last one I did was for some A-level college students.
One of them said their grandad was Michael Caine or something.
So, networking.
So you're going to be transferred over to the police and officially arrested.
And then if you do not have one, you will be appointed a lawyer, just like in movies and TV.
Oh, man.
OK, so this is like a real thing? 'Yeah, I've been arrested' a few times.
Largely for being too sick at my job and blowing everyone's eardrums into another dimension! HE LAUGHS No, no, it was for tax and Tax.
Agent Mansoor isn't the only one finding himself in a tricky situation.
Following standard procedure, Senior Agent Brodie explains to a traveller why he has been detained.
I don't want you to think you are being profiled here, Mr Mahmood.
It's just you've come here looking Listen, it's like this, right? See if I was to go to Bahrain, right, you know, looking like this? You'd be like, "Look at that guy!" "With all his freckles and his ginger hair.
" You'd be like, "Who's this character running about?" You really don't speak any English, do you? You really don't.
I'm looking a wee bit silly.
You know that guy who came in from Bulgaria? Big, really sweaty.
Smells like onions? Yeah, yeah.
Do you mind just having a look at his file for a second? Yeah, sure.
You're it! Oh, you! SHE LAUGHS 'How long have I been here? 'Three years.
Almost three years.
' I don't hate it.
You know if if liking it is here and hating it is here, I'm just trying not to think about it.
Andy, can I have a word? After meeting some resistance at this morning's briefing, Chief Inspector Proctor is determined to re-establish the chain of command, starting with Agent Church.
Andy You were great in there.
Gave me the third degree, very fun.
Oh, I didn't mean to.
No, it's all right, I'm not offended or anything.
Right, I just don't think that we should profile people, so I thought I should say that.
Shhh, shhh! Andy, can I level with you? I can see a lot of myself in you.
Oh No, I mean that, genuinely.
I know you do.
I need to make sure that you and I are on the same page.
Yeah, because I see us as friends, Andy.
I see, yeah.
Is that everything? Yeah.
But we are friends, right? Yep, uh-huh.
OK, great.
Say it.
Actually, I didn't always want to be Chief Inspector in an airport.
I actually used to want to be a prima ballerina.
But I was 11 stone at ten years of age! LAUGHING: Morbidly obese! Unable to avoid it any longer, Agent Mansoor finally decides to say hello to his old friend.
Stefano, hey, man.
No.
.
no Yeah! I want to say, like, Pre Tariq.
Tariq, yeah, no! God, excuse me, so good to see you.
You look nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So, what happened? I don't know, man.
It was just, like, one single and I just, like, blew up.
I'm, like, a properly famous DJ now.
I just opened for Tiesto in Vegas.
Me! THEY LAUGH Oh, shit, have you been to Vegas? No.
Oh, it's crazy, it's, no, it's No, it's really nice.
Literally, really, so nice.
So, like, what are you doing? Are you playing still? Yeah, little bit.
Really? Yeah.
Can I come? OK, so, like, what are you doing here? It's just a side thing.
In between gigs.
Oh.
Cool.
Cool.
Despite being a small airport, Northend can still get very busy so it's crucial that the agents use their downtime as productively as possible.
Truth or Dare? Um Truth.
Truth.
Yeah.
Oh, God, I'm going to have to be so truthful.
OK.
Unless you want to do the dare.
Yeah.
Do you want to do Dare? Yeah, maybe Dare.
No, but I don't want to do anything weird.
It won't be weird.
Truth, truth, truth.
Truth.
Please, still Don't hate me if I say something We can Dare! Go, we'll do Dare.
Because, if it's something easy Truth.
Ask me who is No, we choose, we decide.
No, wait, Truth.
And I have to be truthful.
Ask me who is my least favourite person in the office.
Clive, who's your least favourite person in the office? Oh, why did I get you to ask me that? Chief Inspector Proctor needs to get her team on board with the new Home Office directives.
Luckily, she has strong relationships with all departments at the airport.
Hi, Mo.
Hi, Suj, how are you? What are you doing here? What do you mean? You don't come down here.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
'Yeah, my name's Mo Khan.
' Been working at this airport for, like, six months now, I think.
Let me just put this on camera so everyone knows, yeah? This job is shit.
But don't worry about that, I'm just here for the dough, yeah? And I've got LOADS of things going on, bro.
I was killing it last year, I got to the final round of auditions for The Apprentice.
But they didn't put me on the show.
I wonder why? Look, Borderline's got some new directives and that means I have to coordinate across the whole airport, especially with baggage handlers.
I'm supposed to look out for anything, you know, out of the ordinary.
Trying to say me and Suj look out of the ordinary? No, no, no, I m talking to you specifically because Because we're Muslim? Yeah, it's cos we're Muslim.
Yeah, I'm afraid to tell Mo I'm not muslim.
I don't know why he thinks I am one.
I don't even look like one.
Today I'm talking to you because of this new directive.
And? And you're baggage handlers and you might be able to help, sort of be my man on the inside.
Oh, Linda, you want a brown man on your inside, yeah? No, no, no, it's Proctor.
I could be that guy, you know, Linda? Yeah.
Anyway, listen, just chill, yeah? We just playin' with you.
Get this straight.
We work for the airport and not Borderline.
We ain't helping you, man.
All you lot do is stop and search people who look like me and Suj anyway.
We ain't about to help you put our people in cuffs and that.
Well thank you for your input.
Thank you for keeping us safe, yeah? You know, cos he'll-he'll hurt me.
Not cos he's Muslim.
Because he's quite big.
You know, he's a bit of an arsehole, isn't he? Mm! It's afternoon at Borderline and Senior Agent Brodie has hit a stumbling block with the traveller he detained earlier this morning.
Tariq.
Quick question for you.
Yeah, sure.
So, I've got this Mr Mahmood in detention and he's from Bhuran Bahrain? Bahrain, yes.
Well, there's a wee bit of a language barrier here, and I was thinking maybe you could maybe help speed up the process a wee bit.
I don't speak Arabic.
Really? Oh, but you're, um Egyptian? Oh, right.
I'm actually half Egyptian, it doesn't mean I speak Arabic.
What's going on, guys? Grant thought because I'm half Egyptian I speak Arabic.
No, I was asking everyone.
No, it was just me.
No, I was asking everyone.
Just me.
Here, Andy, can you speak Arabic? No, I can't, Grant.
You know Tariq's English, right? Yep, yeah.
Can you speak Arabic? Concerned that her team has yet to spot anything "out of the ordinary", Chief Inspector Proctor decides to lead by example.
Sorry, could you please remove your shirt? I m joking, can you take your hat off? Thank you.
Welcome to the UK.
So I see you've just let that gentleman through.
Well, nothing out of the ordinary there.
It's just that this directive really needs implementing, so do you mind if I join you on the next traveller? Join me? Yeah, just to make sure you and I are on the same page.
Yes, sir.
So, I can see that you are from Denmark.
There's a red flag.
Are you alert? Let's dig a little deeper.
We can see that in 2011 he also travelled to the Gatwick South Terminal.
So that's OK.
Thank you, welcome to the UK.
Sorry, can you just ? Yeah.
Occupied.
Hey, man, you know that Bulgarian Hey, man.
Hey, man.
You know the Bulgarian traveller, hefty guy? I don't want to The one that smells like a cheese sandwich? Yeah, I've got his form here, and I'm just confused about something, I was just wondering i f you could have a look at it? Oh, OK.
You're it! Oh! LAUGHING: You got me good! Oh, I love games! Oh, you're a dead man, you are a dead man.
You still here? Passport control was not a success for Proctor.
Feeling the pressure, she calls an emergency meeting.
During the briefing this morning I made it quite clear that we need to be tougher.
Where's my numbers? Well, there's been no-one to stop.
So if there's nothing out of the ordinary, what do you want us to do, invent stats? No, no, no, don't invent stats.
But some stats would be nice.
I just want you all to just think more open-mindedly.
I think you mean close-mindedly.
No, Andy, that's not what I mean and I think you know that.
Drugs.
Tariq and I have processed Stefano Sit down, Clive, that's old news.
You told us that this morning.
Oh, right.
I just need this entire room, this entire airport, to start taking me seriously.
We seriously think these new directives are ridiculous.
It's not about what you think, Andy, it's about what you do.
Grow up! So, I'm confused.
Are we profiling or not? 'What do I think about Proctor?' Oh, it's fine.
People deal with stress in different ways.
I make these inflatable hands.
Agent Mansoor is processing his old friend, DJ Stefano Rocco, who was detained when three grams of cocaine were found in his possession.
Every time I play a track, the crowd just go crazy.
They're just, like, electric and, like, I can just hear them, like, "We think this is great.
" Saying stuff like that.
That's amazing.
there's a 50-foot screen behind me.
And it's, like, they're filming me, so it's like projecting me on to it so the crowd can, like, see me spinning and I'm, like, swearing and giving them a sense of who I am through the camera.
And, you know, so then I put on a track and I duck down behind the booth to do a line of coke.
And they cheer.
It's only when iturn around halfway through the set I realise, hmmm, they're actually filming everything.
So embarrassing! But not, you know, because that's my persona.
I need to, you know That's so cool.
.
.
not be ashamed.
This whole thing is, l ike, so silly and funny.
It's not even my gak, it's my sister's.
She's not, like, a fiend, she just, like, she needs it, cos, like, it makes her feel great.
After completing the interview with Mr Mahmood, Agent Brodie conducts a search of his luggage.
I am now opening the bag in front of the witness.
Seems to be clothes.
Oasis! You like Oasis? I like Oasis, too, that's unbelievable! What about that, Clive, eh? Oh, what's your ? Oh, God.
Oh, that's annoying, I want to be able to have a wee chat with him about it.
Oh, I can speak Arabic.
No, I can't.
'Aye, I let him go.
' Truth is, I profiled him and I thought he was out of the ordinary.
Turns out, he's, he's no, he's pretty ordinary guy.
Was hard to communicate with him, though, because he's from the Bahrain and, well, they probably dinnae have much money over there.
Education and wealth I take for granted cos I'm from Scotland.
So we've got all the oil money.
Cool, man.
After answering all of Agent Mansoor's questions, DJ Stefano Rocco has one of his own.
Erm Hey, man Uh I could really use your help.
Obviously.
What do you mean? Look, I'm in a bit of a tricky situation.
You caught me coming through the border with seven grams Three grams.
Three grams of coke, sorry.
We used to do, like, three grams a night together.
Oh, no, I have never done cocaine.
You have! We did it together.
I've never done it.
But you can help me, surely.
I can't actually do anything.
Y-you can, because if you do something for me I can help you.
Like, what DJ do you want your music sending out to? What club nights do you want to do? Do you want to do a night? I really do want to do a night You really do want to do a night.
So, OK Come on, Tallal, help me.
My name is Tariq.
Tariq, right.
Mm.
Hey! Sorry to break up the reunion.
What did I miss? ''We're both DJs'' Um, but the police are here, and you're going to jail.
'It's quite a day.
I actually learned something about myself,' which never happens! I learnt that I'd rather be here than in jail.
Until this day I never thought I'd say those words.
Guess where I'm going this weekend? Where? The Shire.
The Shire? Yep.
It's just green and lovely there, isn't it? It's really nice, yes.
I'm going to hang out with some hobbits.
Are there horses there? Small horses.
Small horses.
Yeah, like Shire-sized horses.
Right, OK.
And they'll take your weight ? Excuse me? The Sorry, you're concerned whether the horse on my holiday will take my weight? If it's, like, small horse.
Guess where I'm going? Where are you going? Gotham City.
Gotham! Batman.
Mm-hm.
Wow, that's quite a dangerous place.
Well, I can handle it.
Are you going to be OK? I fancied a city break.
Hey, Andy.
You know the traveller from Bulgaria? No.
The traveller from Bulgaria.
He's big, sweaty and smells like French cheese.
Oh, yeah No, I have no idea who he is.
Yeah, you do.
You know who he is.
I have no idea, no.
All right.
Different question.
Completely new topic.
Can you hold this file for a second? No, I'm OK.
Please.
No.
Please hold it.
No.
Just hold it for one second.
No.
I'm not going to hold it.
Each to their own.
I'll let you get back on with your work.
You're it.
No! After a late call from her superiors, a weary Chief Inspector Proctor address her team one last time.
Good news.
It turns out the problems we've all been having with the three Os - not isolated.
I just got off the phone from the Home Office and apparently every Borderline department in the UK finds the three Os "morally questionable".
So let's just move on, start afresh tomorrow and pretend today never happened.
From time to time the Home Office like to send down memos and initiatives and we try to adhere to their request, ridiculous or not.
It's our job.
But if they only knew how good we are here at Borderline, and leave us be, then the UK would be the safest country in the world.
It would still be run by pig-fucking cunts, but it would definitely be the safest.
# No doubt about it # I'm on my way # Taking over # I'm here to stay-ay-ay # One day you'll be looking # But things'll come my way # Don't drop, don't tell me to stop # Cos I'll be taking over today # I'm taking over this whole place I'm on my way to outer space
At Northend Airport, border agents deal with this influx every day.
This morning, Chief Inspector Linda Proctor introduces her team to the most recent strategy on handling the complex and sensitive issue of immigration.
The Home Office have issued a new directive.
The three Os.
''Out Of the Ordinary.
'" If you see anything out of the ordinary, first detain it, then find out about it.
Stop first, ask questions later.
Andy? What qualifies as out of the ordinary? Well, like a man with a bomb, or A guy in a turban? Yeah.
No ! No, absolutely not.
Sorry, Karim.
I don't care.
Well, you're asking us to detain anything out of the ordinary without due process.
Sounds like profiling.
No! No-one should be using that word.
Grant? What's profiling? What you do every day, Grant.
No, I don't.
Do I? Actually, you do.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, man.
Aw, man.
I mean I'm definitely going to have to ask you some questions.
I mean, come on.
This is not coming from me, this is from the Home Office.
My bosses.
Your employers.
So, you know, we have to do what they say.
Because this is a great place to work, right, Clive? Yes, ma'am! I really like working here.
When I was at school I did a test and they said that this is the job I should do.
Um And I was like, "OK.
" What can we do to show the Home Office that we are being tougher? Drugs! What? I detained a traveller with drugs.
So Drugs.
Well, that's great! Obviously, that's terrible, but it's a step in the right direction.
Status on that? Hold on, hold on, hold on, OK.
I'll be five Countdown from five I'm just getting Here we go, I got it, I got it, and I'm back.
His name is Kier No wrong file.
Wrong file.
I've been Chief Inspector here at Northend for ten years now, on and off.
We don't talk about the off bit, it was just stress.
OK.
His name is Stefano Rocco.
He is a DJ in from Ibiza and I found three grams of cocaine in him - on him.
On him.
On his person.
DJ Stefano Rocco? Correct.
Great news for Chief Inspector Proctor, but bad news for one of her agents, as DJ Stefano Rocco turns out to be a familiar face.
I'm agent Tariq Mansoor.
I know that guy from my DJing days.
I'm a DJ.
You can found my SoundCloud, DJ Merlin, hit me up, I do events.
Last one I did was for some A-level college students.
One of them said their grandad was Michael Caine or something.
So, networking.
So you're going to be transferred over to the police and officially arrested.
And then if you do not have one, you will be appointed a lawyer, just like in movies and TV.
Oh, man.
OK, so this is like a real thing? 'Yeah, I've been arrested' a few times.
Largely for being too sick at my job and blowing everyone's eardrums into another dimension! HE LAUGHS No, no, it was for tax and Tax.
Agent Mansoor isn't the only one finding himself in a tricky situation.
Following standard procedure, Senior Agent Brodie explains to a traveller why he has been detained.
I don't want you to think you are being profiled here, Mr Mahmood.
It's just you've come here looking Listen, it's like this, right? See if I was to go to Bahrain, right, you know, looking like this? You'd be like, "Look at that guy!" "With all his freckles and his ginger hair.
" You'd be like, "Who's this character running about?" You really don't speak any English, do you? You really don't.
I'm looking a wee bit silly.
You know that guy who came in from Bulgaria? Big, really sweaty.
Smells like onions? Yeah, yeah.
Do you mind just having a look at his file for a second? Yeah, sure.
You're it! Oh, you! SHE LAUGHS 'How long have I been here? 'Three years.
Almost three years.
' I don't hate it.
You know if if liking it is here and hating it is here, I'm just trying not to think about it.
Andy, can I have a word? After meeting some resistance at this morning's briefing, Chief Inspector Proctor is determined to re-establish the chain of command, starting with Agent Church.
Andy You were great in there.
Gave me the third degree, very fun.
Oh, I didn't mean to.
No, it's all right, I'm not offended or anything.
Right, I just don't think that we should profile people, so I thought I should say that.
Shhh, shhh! Andy, can I level with you? I can see a lot of myself in you.
Oh No, I mean that, genuinely.
I know you do.
I need to make sure that you and I are on the same page.
Yeah, because I see us as friends, Andy.
I see, yeah.
Is that everything? Yeah.
But we are friends, right? Yep, uh-huh.
OK, great.
Say it.
Actually, I didn't always want to be Chief Inspector in an airport.
I actually used to want to be a prima ballerina.
But I was 11 stone at ten years of age! LAUGHING: Morbidly obese! Unable to avoid it any longer, Agent Mansoor finally decides to say hello to his old friend.
Stefano, hey, man.
No.
.
no Yeah! I want to say, like, Pre Tariq.
Tariq, yeah, no! God, excuse me, so good to see you.
You look nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So, what happened? I don't know, man.
It was just, like, one single and I just, like, blew up.
I'm, like, a properly famous DJ now.
I just opened for Tiesto in Vegas.
Me! THEY LAUGH Oh, shit, have you been to Vegas? No.
Oh, it's crazy, it's, no, it's No, it's really nice.
Literally, really, so nice.
So, like, what are you doing? Are you playing still? Yeah, little bit.
Really? Yeah.
Can I come? OK, so, like, what are you doing here? It's just a side thing.
In between gigs.
Oh.
Cool.
Cool.
Despite being a small airport, Northend can still get very busy so it's crucial that the agents use their downtime as productively as possible.
Truth or Dare? Um Truth.
Truth.
Yeah.
Oh, God, I'm going to have to be so truthful.
OK.
Unless you want to do the dare.
Yeah.
Do you want to do Dare? Yeah, maybe Dare.
No, but I don't want to do anything weird.
It won't be weird.
Truth, truth, truth.
Truth.
Please, still Don't hate me if I say something We can Dare! Go, we'll do Dare.
Because, if it's something easy Truth.
Ask me who is No, we choose, we decide.
No, wait, Truth.
And I have to be truthful.
Ask me who is my least favourite person in the office.
Clive, who's your least favourite person in the office? Oh, why did I get you to ask me that? Chief Inspector Proctor needs to get her team on board with the new Home Office directives.
Luckily, she has strong relationships with all departments at the airport.
Hi, Mo.
Hi, Suj, how are you? What are you doing here? What do you mean? You don't come down here.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
'Yeah, my name's Mo Khan.
' Been working at this airport for, like, six months now, I think.
Let me just put this on camera so everyone knows, yeah? This job is shit.
But don't worry about that, I'm just here for the dough, yeah? And I've got LOADS of things going on, bro.
I was killing it last year, I got to the final round of auditions for The Apprentice.
But they didn't put me on the show.
I wonder why? Look, Borderline's got some new directives and that means I have to coordinate across the whole airport, especially with baggage handlers.
I'm supposed to look out for anything, you know, out of the ordinary.
Trying to say me and Suj look out of the ordinary? No, no, no, I m talking to you specifically because Because we're Muslim? Yeah, it's cos we're Muslim.
Yeah, I'm afraid to tell Mo I'm not muslim.
I don't know why he thinks I am one.
I don't even look like one.
Today I'm talking to you because of this new directive.
And? And you're baggage handlers and you might be able to help, sort of be my man on the inside.
Oh, Linda, you want a brown man on your inside, yeah? No, no, no, it's Proctor.
I could be that guy, you know, Linda? Yeah.
Anyway, listen, just chill, yeah? We just playin' with you.
Get this straight.
We work for the airport and not Borderline.
We ain't helping you, man.
All you lot do is stop and search people who look like me and Suj anyway.
We ain't about to help you put our people in cuffs and that.
Well thank you for your input.
Thank you for keeping us safe, yeah? You know, cos he'll-he'll hurt me.
Not cos he's Muslim.
Because he's quite big.
You know, he's a bit of an arsehole, isn't he? Mm! It's afternoon at Borderline and Senior Agent Brodie has hit a stumbling block with the traveller he detained earlier this morning.
Tariq.
Quick question for you.
Yeah, sure.
So, I've got this Mr Mahmood in detention and he's from Bhuran Bahrain? Bahrain, yes.
Well, there's a wee bit of a language barrier here, and I was thinking maybe you could maybe help speed up the process a wee bit.
I don't speak Arabic.
Really? Oh, but you're, um Egyptian? Oh, right.
I'm actually half Egyptian, it doesn't mean I speak Arabic.
What's going on, guys? Grant thought because I'm half Egyptian I speak Arabic.
No, I was asking everyone.
No, it was just me.
No, I was asking everyone.
Just me.
Here, Andy, can you speak Arabic? No, I can't, Grant.
You know Tariq's English, right? Yep, yeah.
Can you speak Arabic? Concerned that her team has yet to spot anything "out of the ordinary", Chief Inspector Proctor decides to lead by example.
Sorry, could you please remove your shirt? I m joking, can you take your hat off? Thank you.
Welcome to the UK.
So I see you've just let that gentleman through.
Well, nothing out of the ordinary there.
It's just that this directive really needs implementing, so do you mind if I join you on the next traveller? Join me? Yeah, just to make sure you and I are on the same page.
Yes, sir.
So, I can see that you are from Denmark.
There's a red flag.
Are you alert? Let's dig a little deeper.
We can see that in 2011 he also travelled to the Gatwick South Terminal.
So that's OK.
Thank you, welcome to the UK.
Sorry, can you just ? Yeah.
Occupied.
Hey, man, you know that Bulgarian Hey, man.
Hey, man.
You know the Bulgarian traveller, hefty guy? I don't want to The one that smells like a cheese sandwich? Yeah, I've got his form here, and I'm just confused about something, I was just wondering i f you could have a look at it? Oh, OK.
You're it! Oh! LAUGHING: You got me good! Oh, I love games! Oh, you're a dead man, you are a dead man.
You still here? Passport control was not a success for Proctor.
Feeling the pressure, she calls an emergency meeting.
During the briefing this morning I made it quite clear that we need to be tougher.
Where's my numbers? Well, there's been no-one to stop.
So if there's nothing out of the ordinary, what do you want us to do, invent stats? No, no, no, don't invent stats.
But some stats would be nice.
I just want you all to just think more open-mindedly.
I think you mean close-mindedly.
No, Andy, that's not what I mean and I think you know that.
Drugs.
Tariq and I have processed Stefano Sit down, Clive, that's old news.
You told us that this morning.
Oh, right.
I just need this entire room, this entire airport, to start taking me seriously.
We seriously think these new directives are ridiculous.
It's not about what you think, Andy, it's about what you do.
Grow up! So, I'm confused.
Are we profiling or not? 'What do I think about Proctor?' Oh, it's fine.
People deal with stress in different ways.
I make these inflatable hands.
Agent Mansoor is processing his old friend, DJ Stefano Rocco, who was detained when three grams of cocaine were found in his possession.
Every time I play a track, the crowd just go crazy.
They're just, like, electric and, like, I can just hear them, like, "We think this is great.
" Saying stuff like that.
That's amazing.
there's a 50-foot screen behind me.
And it's, like, they're filming me, so it's like projecting me on to it so the crowd can, like, see me spinning and I'm, like, swearing and giving them a sense of who I am through the camera.
And, you know, so then I put on a track and I duck down behind the booth to do a line of coke.
And they cheer.
It's only when iturn around halfway through the set I realise, hmmm, they're actually filming everything.
So embarrassing! But not, you know, because that's my persona.
I need to, you know That's so cool.
.
.
not be ashamed.
This whole thing is, l ike, so silly and funny.
It's not even my gak, it's my sister's.
She's not, like, a fiend, she just, like, she needs it, cos, like, it makes her feel great.
After completing the interview with Mr Mahmood, Agent Brodie conducts a search of his luggage.
I am now opening the bag in front of the witness.
Seems to be clothes.
Oasis! You like Oasis? I like Oasis, too, that's unbelievable! What about that, Clive, eh? Oh, what's your ? Oh, God.
Oh, that's annoying, I want to be able to have a wee chat with him about it.
Oh, I can speak Arabic.
No, I can't.
'Aye, I let him go.
' Truth is, I profiled him and I thought he was out of the ordinary.
Turns out, he's, he's no, he's pretty ordinary guy.
Was hard to communicate with him, though, because he's from the Bahrain and, well, they probably dinnae have much money over there.
Education and wealth I take for granted cos I'm from Scotland.
So we've got all the oil money.
Cool, man.
After answering all of Agent Mansoor's questions, DJ Stefano Rocco has one of his own.
Erm Hey, man Uh I could really use your help.
Obviously.
What do you mean? Look, I'm in a bit of a tricky situation.
You caught me coming through the border with seven grams Three grams.
Three grams of coke, sorry.
We used to do, like, three grams a night together.
Oh, no, I have never done cocaine.
You have! We did it together.
I've never done it.
But you can help me, surely.
I can't actually do anything.
Y-you can, because if you do something for me I can help you.
Like, what DJ do you want your music sending out to? What club nights do you want to do? Do you want to do a night? I really do want to do a night You really do want to do a night.
So, OK Come on, Tallal, help me.
My name is Tariq.
Tariq, right.
Mm.
Hey! Sorry to break up the reunion.
What did I miss? ''We're both DJs'' Um, but the police are here, and you're going to jail.
'It's quite a day.
I actually learned something about myself,' which never happens! I learnt that I'd rather be here than in jail.
Until this day I never thought I'd say those words.
Guess where I'm going this weekend? Where? The Shire.
The Shire? Yep.
It's just green and lovely there, isn't it? It's really nice, yes.
I'm going to hang out with some hobbits.
Are there horses there? Small horses.
Small horses.
Yeah, like Shire-sized horses.
Right, OK.
And they'll take your weight ? Excuse me? The Sorry, you're concerned whether the horse on my holiday will take my weight? If it's, like, small horse.
Guess where I'm going? Where are you going? Gotham City.
Gotham! Batman.
Mm-hm.
Wow, that's quite a dangerous place.
Well, I can handle it.
Are you going to be OK? I fancied a city break.
Hey, Andy.
You know the traveller from Bulgaria? No.
The traveller from Bulgaria.
He's big, sweaty and smells like French cheese.
Oh, yeah No, I have no idea who he is.
Yeah, you do.
You know who he is.
I have no idea, no.
All right.
Different question.
Completely new topic.
Can you hold this file for a second? No, I'm OK.
Please.
No.
Please hold it.
No.
Just hold it for one second.
No.
I'm not going to hold it.
Each to their own.
I'll let you get back on with your work.
You're it.
No! After a late call from her superiors, a weary Chief Inspector Proctor address her team one last time.
Good news.
It turns out the problems we've all been having with the three Os - not isolated.
I just got off the phone from the Home Office and apparently every Borderline department in the UK finds the three Os "morally questionable".
So let's just move on, start afresh tomorrow and pretend today never happened.
From time to time the Home Office like to send down memos and initiatives and we try to adhere to their request, ridiculous or not.
It's our job.
But if they only knew how good we are here at Borderline, and leave us be, then the UK would be the safest country in the world.
It would still be run by pig-fucking cunts, but it would definitely be the safest.
# No doubt about it # I'm on my way # Taking over # I'm here to stay-ay-ay # One day you'll be looking # But things'll come my way # Don't drop, don't tell me to stop # Cos I'll be taking over today # I'm taking over this whole place I'm on my way to outer space