Bordertown (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
The Engagement
1 Hola, Becky.
Oh, Mr.
Gonzalez, I'm so excited J.
C.
is coming home from college.
I'd bake a cake if that didn't reinforce gender roles and prop up Big Gluten.
Oh, the hell with it! Ernesto, don't talk to her! She's the daughter of La Migra! Oh, come on, Papi I like Bud.
Don't hate him for just doing his job.
That'd be like the grass hating me for doing mine.
And now, the Mexifornia Channel Two News.
Good evening, I'm Carlos Sanchez.
Our top story.
The controversial new anti-immigration law, Prop 7010, comes to a vote in Mexifornia this week.
If passed, the "Show Me Your Papers" law would be the toughest in the nation.
It's about time we did something about immigration.
The Southwest belongs to retired art teachers and meth lab entrepreneurs.
I wish I had the courage to start my own company.
Buckwald? Keep your eyes peeled.
Our Most Wanted human smuggler, El Coyote, has been sighted in the vicinity.
Don't worry, he ain't getting by me this time.
What a beautiful day.
Right, bird suspended in the sky? SÃ, Señor Bud.
You're my lucky bird.
No immigrants cross when you're around.
What in Custer's beard?! Adios! You bastard! You did good today, Bud.
Thank you.
Hola, Bud! Ernesto, what the hell kind of crazy holiday are you decorating for now? No holiday.
My nephew J.
C.
is coming home from college.
Oh, dear God, that egghead is back? There is nothing worse than a Mexican with glasses.
He's a great guy.
Sanford? Finish your energy drink and come to dinner.
Damn it, Sanford, if you're gonna live under my roof at age 24, don't leave your car in the driveway! You found it! How was your day, Bud? Perhaps it would be comparatively better if I put the soup pot over my head and hit it with a hammer.
Ah, best I've felt all day.
But that new immigration law, that's gonna fix things! Dad, how can you support that horrible law? If you get rid of all the immigrants, who's next? Let's cross that gay bridge when we come to it, huh? Oh, your father's just upset because a lot of our immigrant neighbors are doing better than us.
He told me so in private.
I didn't want to say anything, but my lips just started moving, and I couldn't seem to stop them.
See, they're still going now! Dad, who cares if immigrants are doing better than us? They work hard.
They deserve it.
I care! I used to be someone in this town.
My dad owned the biggest flower shop on the strip, right across from the freeway.
All you had to do was pull off the exit, Park your car, buy some flowers.
Couldn't get more convenient.
And then Alejandro changed the game.
Welcome, Buckwalds! So glad you could join us.
Aw, crap! Who invited the rednecks from next door? We ain't rednecks! Would rednecks have a five-year-old beauty pageant star? Show them, Gert.
You ready, Sparkles? That a girl, Gert.
Now go hit the trough.
My beautiful angel.
One day you're gonna be on the cover of the Internet.
Help yourself to some food.
We got tacos, burritos, quesadillas I don't want any of that crap! I'll catch my own food.
Everybody, Bud made duck tacos! Damn it, I don't know why you got to drag me here.
Damn it, Pepito! I need some water! There he is! How about a tip, pal? My tip for you is this.
Look at me.
I'm no better than you.
Don't ever forget it.
It's the working class that keeps Spaceship Earth running.
I used to be president of Estonia.
Juan Carlos! Welcome home, mijo! Oh, we're all so proud of you, honey! I've been keeping track of all of your accomplishments.
- Becky! - Aah! J.
C.
! I'm so happy you're home! I missed you so much.
I didn't have anyone to roll my eyes at things with.
Oh, I missed you, too.
And someone else missed you.
Hi, Mr.
Retainer.
I promise to keep Becky from biting down too hard.
I've been looking forward to this moment.
Because I want to make good on a promise I made to you before I left for school.
Uh, what are you saying? Becky, will you marry me? Oh my God, J.
C.
! Yes! Yes, I will! I've never been so happy to be heteronormative! Oh, this means I have to tell my dad about us.
Look, Becky, your father can't cling to his outdated views forever.
We're in a post-racial era.
He's going to have to accept that the world has changed.
Look, maybe there's hope.
He's finger-painting with the kids.
Mommy says if I'm good, she'll take me to your funeral someday.
Oh, Janice, I'm so thrilled J.
C.
and Becky are getting married! Uh, have you told Bud, yet? No, we're telling him tonight at dinner.
J.
C.
, I think it's great you and Becky are getting married.
But you'll have a wife to support.
Any leads on a job? How can I get a job when monsters are trying to pass this immigration law? You're right, that's unfair of me.
You should wait until all the problems of the world are solved.
Thank you, that's all I'm asking.
Well, I for one, commend Mexifornia for trying to do something about immigration.
It's about time this country stood up to defend its sovereignty.
Here for the liberal point of view is a four-year-old girl.
I think people should be nice.
Shut up! You're scaring me! You should be scared of Mexicans! Amen, brother.
Angry yelling is the voice of reason.
Oh, hey, Bud.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Hey, why-why you walking like that? This? - Aliens.
- You got abducted again? Those guys think they can just show up drunk any time they want and get a cheap anal probe.
Well, not anymore.
All they care about is my anus.
How about probing me about my day? We interrupt this show for the following breaking news.
The voting results are in, and Prop 7010 Mexifornia's landmark anti-immigration bill has passed by a narrow margin.
- Yes! - No! We now go live to a policeman here to escort me from my job.
Sweet Nixon's nuts! We did it! Oh, no! Not this time! Don't even think about it! You turn that ship right around and get lost! Aah! No! I'm blowing my probe whistle! I'm not saying the new Mexifornia law is racist, but Rosa Parks just moved to the back of her grave.
Look! Our town is a national laughingstock! This immigration law fight isn't over.
I'm so mad! If I believed in making fists, I'd make one right now.
Oh! You sounded like Danny Trejo just now.
Really? Call me Machete.
Take me, you pock-faced vigilante! Oh, my God! My dad's home! Hello, darling family! Mwah! Ooh! Hands off! I'm not some Hooters waitress trying to walk to her car! Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood, honey.
Because we've got some exciting news! Oh, I already heard it! The immigration law passed! Janice, bust out the least-expired meat, 'cause we're celebrating! That's a terrible law! You can't treat people like criminals based on the color of their skin.
Janice, why is that egghead in our house? He better be here to translate La Bamba.
I know "La" means "plane crash," but the rest is a mystery.
You know, at college I missed talking to people who never went to college.
J.
C.
, please don't argue with my dad! Not tonight! You was at college, huh? Let me guess Brown? Pig gets it.
I don't know why I even came back to a town that would pass a law that marginalizes immigrants.
This country was founded by immigrants! Every family in America has an immigration story.
Including yours! That law is progress! Those immigrants have been taking jobs away from Americans! Why should Mexican kids get all the glory of dying in our wars? You know what that law is? The last gasp of small-minded, ignorant people like yourself.
Somebody please change the subject! Um, did you hear? J.
C.
and Becky are getting married.
What's happening, macho man? When Bud found out J.
C.
is engaged to Becky, they almost got into a fight.
J.
C.
passed out, so Becky carried him home.
Where's my sweater and glasses? I'm J.
C.
My four-year-old nephew makes more than I do by losing one tooth a year! Becky, sweetheart, you can't get married.
You're too young.
You told me my time is running out, and I should trick a guy into getting me pregnant.
You even gave me a tack to poke holes in the condoms.
But I always thought you was gonna marry Darryl Muncie.
You two was meant for each other.
Darryl from the inbred family across the street? Oh, come on! They're not inbred.
Hi, Becky! Don't give up.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Why are you chained to the station? This? Oh, I tried to break things off with the aliens.
But it didn't go so good.
So, uh, now I'm doing this.
Hey, I heard your head exploded.
- Nah, that was just a joke.
- Oh.
Well, I'm trying to get my daughter to break things off with an alien, too.
I'm gonna find some stuff in the confiscation locker to plant on him.
I like how we're both doing things.
Heh, ain't we a couple of modern women? All right, let's check the inventory.
No.
No.
No.
Oh, hey! Look who's here! Aw, too bad.
No.
Guess I can't go nowhere.
Nice try, though.
No, no.
Ah, joke's on you! I wiped absentmindedly! Crap.
Well, I wonder who that could be.
Hi, Darryl.
Hi, Becky! I got you something! Oh, a doll.
How sweet.
That's my little brother.
He didn't make it.
Dad, I know what you're trying to do.
And it's not gonna work.
I've made up my mind.
I'm marrying J.
C.
Becky, I'm your father.
And as long as you're living in my house, you'll live by my rules! And I forbid you from marrying J.
C.
! And pointing out the plot holes in NCIS! You "forbid" it? Well, then I guess that leaves me no choice.
I'm moving out! And the Navy doesn't investigate those sorts of crimes! Shut up! Uno cien.
Dos cien.
Hola, Bud! Yeah, listen, Ernesto.
I want you to tell your nephew to back off with my daughter.
Bud, why would I do that? They're happy together.
They've been going out for four years.
What?! You knew about this? Sure, everyone did.
This is them at prom.
This is them boycotting prom.
This is them trying to change the word boycotting to girl-cotting.
Look, I know what J.
C.
is after.
But let me assure you, he will never gain access to my fortune.
I have taken great precautions to ensure that.
Bud, our dollar bill flew out the window! Damn it! Who opened the toilet tank?! I just wanted to count it! Bud? The world is changing, and you may not like it, but change can be good.
Oh, J.
C.
, I'm gonna split you like a log! What do you mean? You know what I mean! Yeah, good for others maybe, not me.
I just don't know where a guy like me fits in anymore.
There will always be a place for you in this country.
Right here with this family.
And that's why you have to let Becky follow her heart.
If you don't, you could lose your daughter forever.
Oh, all right.
Mom? Dad? Will one of you read me a bedtime tabloid? Sure, Gert.
"One day Zach Galifianakis went to the beach without a beach body.
" Son of a bitch! I told you I'm not interested! How dare you?! Liar! Oye, Jose, is that you? Yeah! Mira, check out my new belt buckle! I would, but I can't see around my belt buckle! You guys talking belt buckles? Hola, Bud! I'm here to tell Becky I'm okay with her marrying J.
C.
And maybe one day giving me half-Mexican grandkids Oh, my God! That didn't even occur to me till this moment! Sorry, Becky and J.
C.
went out.
I know because no one yelled "murderer" when I threw a plastic bottle in the trash.
Ernesto, I just got a call from J.
C.
He and Becky went to the courthouse to elope! What?! Becky, thank you for having the courage to go through with this despite your father's disapproval.
You're an inspiration.
When they make a movie about you, Jonah Hill will finally win that Oscar.
I want you to put a baby in me so I can fight for the right to legally abort it! Can I help you, Officer? I know I wasn't speeding.
As a rule, I like to take the speed limit, divide it in half, and add five.
That's my personal vehicular safety algorithm.
"Doesn't speak English.
" You know, the new law Prop 7010 requires immigrants to carry their citizenship papers at all times.
Can I see yours? I'm not an immigrant! I was born here! If you were born here, who won the WNBA championship last year? The Phoenix Mercury.
No American would know that.
You're coming with me.
And so, in accordance with Mexifornia's new immigration law, my beloved was taken in for processing.
And formally deported.
Light the Deportation Cannon! But I'm legal! All right, sign family, you're next.
Help! Get this damn Rottweiler off me! I can't believe Becky would run off to marry that egghead without telling us! Look at Ernesto over there.
Oh, he just loves this.
I bet he's the one who put them up to it! Mi esposa! ¿Con mi robot? Ay, ay, ay! Oh, Mini Pelé! Hola, Bud! I heard your people put a serious midget on Game of Thrones.
Becky! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mrs.
Benicio Del Taco! You'll be happy to hear we didn't get married.
Because that horrible immigration law just got J.
C.
deported! Oh, my God, poor Becky! Bud, you need to do something about this! J.
C.
should not have been deported.
You need to make this right.
Oh, she'll get over that guy.
All right, fine.
I'll go talk to her.
J.
C.
! I need your help.
J.
C.
got deported.
We got to go to Mexico to find him.
Hijole, let's go! Wow, that was cool! I'm gonna do that! Did it look cool? Look, Bud, I'm all for law and order, but that law is wrong.
The only crime J.
C.
ever committed was falling in love and spending thousands of dollars of my money on a useless degree.
Oh, look, I'm driving 200 miles per hour.
How did that happen? Oh, God! Es la Virgen de Guadalupe! En mi tortilla! Oh, come on! The Virgin Mary is not in your tortilla! Stop doing this! It only reinforces a negative cultural stereotype! I like Mexican food.
You got a problem with that? That's for not believing in me, pocho! Boom, you just got male pattern baldness! God, these people have no idea what it's like to have foreigners ruin their country.
Spring break! I'm not paying for that.
J.
C.
Uncle Ernesto? Oh, am I glad to see you! What's he doing here? Monsters like him passed the law that got me deported! Well, you wouldn't have gotten deported if you hadn't come to my country in the first place.
I was born in America! Oh, yeah? Then why were you deported? Check.
Mix.
Come on, we're here to take you home.
Oh, God, a snake! Let's go, college boy.
Oh, God, a hawk! Oh, crap, Steve is on duty! If I'm caught smuggling in a deportee, I'll lose my job! I'll handle Steve.
Bud, you better get in the trunk with J.
C.
What?! I ain't getting in the trunk with that windbag! Ooh, the Cannon! At least I'm free from my wife! Get back here and raise our child! Hola, Steve.
¿Cómo estás? I speak English, Mr.
Gonzalez.
I'm an American.
How are your parents, Francisco and Consuelo? Frank and Connie are fine! Wait a minute.
Is something in your trunk? Why are you eating Kale chips? Isn't spooning with another man gay enough for you? Turn the car off and pop the trunk! I'm gonna have to inspect your vehicle.
What the hell? You bastards! Yes! Well, we did it.
It's good to be back in our border town.
Don't say the name of the show.
J.
C.
! Put me down! Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
Thank you, Daddy.
Well, you're my little girl.
I want you to be happy.
You know, I thought it over.
And you were right.
We don't need to get married right now.
She's right, Mr.
Buckwald.
How can we get married before we rename the country the United States of Indigenous Rape? I take comfort knowing you'll probably be pulled over and deported again tomorrow.
Thank you, Bud.
I know Becky will never forget what you did for her.
I'm proud of you.
And I think you deserve a very special reward.
Janice, I've already been in one hellhole tonight.
Hey, Bud, thanks again for helping me get my nephew back.
As a token of my appreciation, I wanted you to have this.
Oh, no! The hawk's family! Help! They're taking me back to Mexico!
Oh, Mr.
Gonzalez, I'm so excited J.
C.
is coming home from college.
I'd bake a cake if that didn't reinforce gender roles and prop up Big Gluten.
Oh, the hell with it! Ernesto, don't talk to her! She's the daughter of La Migra! Oh, come on, Papi I like Bud.
Don't hate him for just doing his job.
That'd be like the grass hating me for doing mine.
And now, the Mexifornia Channel Two News.
Good evening, I'm Carlos Sanchez.
Our top story.
The controversial new anti-immigration law, Prop 7010, comes to a vote in Mexifornia this week.
If passed, the "Show Me Your Papers" law would be the toughest in the nation.
It's about time we did something about immigration.
The Southwest belongs to retired art teachers and meth lab entrepreneurs.
I wish I had the courage to start my own company.
Buckwald? Keep your eyes peeled.
Our Most Wanted human smuggler, El Coyote, has been sighted in the vicinity.
Don't worry, he ain't getting by me this time.
What a beautiful day.
Right, bird suspended in the sky? SÃ, Señor Bud.
You're my lucky bird.
No immigrants cross when you're around.
What in Custer's beard?! Adios! You bastard! You did good today, Bud.
Thank you.
Hola, Bud! Ernesto, what the hell kind of crazy holiday are you decorating for now? No holiday.
My nephew J.
C.
is coming home from college.
Oh, dear God, that egghead is back? There is nothing worse than a Mexican with glasses.
He's a great guy.
Sanford? Finish your energy drink and come to dinner.
Damn it, Sanford, if you're gonna live under my roof at age 24, don't leave your car in the driveway! You found it! How was your day, Bud? Perhaps it would be comparatively better if I put the soup pot over my head and hit it with a hammer.
Ah, best I've felt all day.
But that new immigration law, that's gonna fix things! Dad, how can you support that horrible law? If you get rid of all the immigrants, who's next? Let's cross that gay bridge when we come to it, huh? Oh, your father's just upset because a lot of our immigrant neighbors are doing better than us.
He told me so in private.
I didn't want to say anything, but my lips just started moving, and I couldn't seem to stop them.
See, they're still going now! Dad, who cares if immigrants are doing better than us? They work hard.
They deserve it.
I care! I used to be someone in this town.
My dad owned the biggest flower shop on the strip, right across from the freeway.
All you had to do was pull off the exit, Park your car, buy some flowers.
Couldn't get more convenient.
And then Alejandro changed the game.
Welcome, Buckwalds! So glad you could join us.
Aw, crap! Who invited the rednecks from next door? We ain't rednecks! Would rednecks have a five-year-old beauty pageant star? Show them, Gert.
You ready, Sparkles? That a girl, Gert.
Now go hit the trough.
My beautiful angel.
One day you're gonna be on the cover of the Internet.
Help yourself to some food.
We got tacos, burritos, quesadillas I don't want any of that crap! I'll catch my own food.
Everybody, Bud made duck tacos! Damn it, I don't know why you got to drag me here.
Damn it, Pepito! I need some water! There he is! How about a tip, pal? My tip for you is this.
Look at me.
I'm no better than you.
Don't ever forget it.
It's the working class that keeps Spaceship Earth running.
I used to be president of Estonia.
Juan Carlos! Welcome home, mijo! Oh, we're all so proud of you, honey! I've been keeping track of all of your accomplishments.
- Becky! - Aah! J.
C.
! I'm so happy you're home! I missed you so much.
I didn't have anyone to roll my eyes at things with.
Oh, I missed you, too.
And someone else missed you.
Hi, Mr.
Retainer.
I promise to keep Becky from biting down too hard.
I've been looking forward to this moment.
Because I want to make good on a promise I made to you before I left for school.
Uh, what are you saying? Becky, will you marry me? Oh my God, J.
C.
! Yes! Yes, I will! I've never been so happy to be heteronormative! Oh, this means I have to tell my dad about us.
Look, Becky, your father can't cling to his outdated views forever.
We're in a post-racial era.
He's going to have to accept that the world has changed.
Look, maybe there's hope.
He's finger-painting with the kids.
Mommy says if I'm good, she'll take me to your funeral someday.
Oh, Janice, I'm so thrilled J.
C.
and Becky are getting married! Uh, have you told Bud, yet? No, we're telling him tonight at dinner.
J.
C.
, I think it's great you and Becky are getting married.
But you'll have a wife to support.
Any leads on a job? How can I get a job when monsters are trying to pass this immigration law? You're right, that's unfair of me.
You should wait until all the problems of the world are solved.
Thank you, that's all I'm asking.
Well, I for one, commend Mexifornia for trying to do something about immigration.
It's about time this country stood up to defend its sovereignty.
Here for the liberal point of view is a four-year-old girl.
I think people should be nice.
Shut up! You're scaring me! You should be scared of Mexicans! Amen, brother.
Angry yelling is the voice of reason.
Oh, hey, Bud.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Hey, why-why you walking like that? This? - Aliens.
- You got abducted again? Those guys think they can just show up drunk any time they want and get a cheap anal probe.
Well, not anymore.
All they care about is my anus.
How about probing me about my day? We interrupt this show for the following breaking news.
The voting results are in, and Prop 7010 Mexifornia's landmark anti-immigration bill has passed by a narrow margin.
- Yes! - No! We now go live to a policeman here to escort me from my job.
Sweet Nixon's nuts! We did it! Oh, no! Not this time! Don't even think about it! You turn that ship right around and get lost! Aah! No! I'm blowing my probe whistle! I'm not saying the new Mexifornia law is racist, but Rosa Parks just moved to the back of her grave.
Look! Our town is a national laughingstock! This immigration law fight isn't over.
I'm so mad! If I believed in making fists, I'd make one right now.
Oh! You sounded like Danny Trejo just now.
Really? Call me Machete.
Take me, you pock-faced vigilante! Oh, my God! My dad's home! Hello, darling family! Mwah! Ooh! Hands off! I'm not some Hooters waitress trying to walk to her car! Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood, honey.
Because we've got some exciting news! Oh, I already heard it! The immigration law passed! Janice, bust out the least-expired meat, 'cause we're celebrating! That's a terrible law! You can't treat people like criminals based on the color of their skin.
Janice, why is that egghead in our house? He better be here to translate La Bamba.
I know "La" means "plane crash," but the rest is a mystery.
You know, at college I missed talking to people who never went to college.
J.
C.
, please don't argue with my dad! Not tonight! You was at college, huh? Let me guess Brown? Pig gets it.
I don't know why I even came back to a town that would pass a law that marginalizes immigrants.
This country was founded by immigrants! Every family in America has an immigration story.
Including yours! That law is progress! Those immigrants have been taking jobs away from Americans! Why should Mexican kids get all the glory of dying in our wars? You know what that law is? The last gasp of small-minded, ignorant people like yourself.
Somebody please change the subject! Um, did you hear? J.
C.
and Becky are getting married.
What's happening, macho man? When Bud found out J.
C.
is engaged to Becky, they almost got into a fight.
J.
C.
passed out, so Becky carried him home.
Where's my sweater and glasses? I'm J.
C.
My four-year-old nephew makes more than I do by losing one tooth a year! Becky, sweetheart, you can't get married.
You're too young.
You told me my time is running out, and I should trick a guy into getting me pregnant.
You even gave me a tack to poke holes in the condoms.
But I always thought you was gonna marry Darryl Muncie.
You two was meant for each other.
Darryl from the inbred family across the street? Oh, come on! They're not inbred.
Hi, Becky! Don't give up.
Oh, hey, Bryce.
Why are you chained to the station? This? Oh, I tried to break things off with the aliens.
But it didn't go so good.
So, uh, now I'm doing this.
Hey, I heard your head exploded.
- Nah, that was just a joke.
- Oh.
Well, I'm trying to get my daughter to break things off with an alien, too.
I'm gonna find some stuff in the confiscation locker to plant on him.
I like how we're both doing things.
Heh, ain't we a couple of modern women? All right, let's check the inventory.
No.
No.
No.
Oh, hey! Look who's here! Aw, too bad.
No.
Guess I can't go nowhere.
Nice try, though.
No, no.
Ah, joke's on you! I wiped absentmindedly! Crap.
Well, I wonder who that could be.
Hi, Darryl.
Hi, Becky! I got you something! Oh, a doll.
How sweet.
That's my little brother.
He didn't make it.
Dad, I know what you're trying to do.
And it's not gonna work.
I've made up my mind.
I'm marrying J.
C.
Becky, I'm your father.
And as long as you're living in my house, you'll live by my rules! And I forbid you from marrying J.
C.
! And pointing out the plot holes in NCIS! You "forbid" it? Well, then I guess that leaves me no choice.
I'm moving out! And the Navy doesn't investigate those sorts of crimes! Shut up! Uno cien.
Dos cien.
Hola, Bud! Yeah, listen, Ernesto.
I want you to tell your nephew to back off with my daughter.
Bud, why would I do that? They're happy together.
They've been going out for four years.
What?! You knew about this? Sure, everyone did.
This is them at prom.
This is them boycotting prom.
This is them trying to change the word boycotting to girl-cotting.
Look, I know what J.
C.
is after.
But let me assure you, he will never gain access to my fortune.
I have taken great precautions to ensure that.
Bud, our dollar bill flew out the window! Damn it! Who opened the toilet tank?! I just wanted to count it! Bud? The world is changing, and you may not like it, but change can be good.
Oh, J.
C.
, I'm gonna split you like a log! What do you mean? You know what I mean! Yeah, good for others maybe, not me.
I just don't know where a guy like me fits in anymore.
There will always be a place for you in this country.
Right here with this family.
And that's why you have to let Becky follow her heart.
If you don't, you could lose your daughter forever.
Oh, all right.
Mom? Dad? Will one of you read me a bedtime tabloid? Sure, Gert.
"One day Zach Galifianakis went to the beach without a beach body.
" Son of a bitch! I told you I'm not interested! How dare you?! Liar! Oye, Jose, is that you? Yeah! Mira, check out my new belt buckle! I would, but I can't see around my belt buckle! You guys talking belt buckles? Hola, Bud! I'm here to tell Becky I'm okay with her marrying J.
C.
And maybe one day giving me half-Mexican grandkids Oh, my God! That didn't even occur to me till this moment! Sorry, Becky and J.
C.
went out.
I know because no one yelled "murderer" when I threw a plastic bottle in the trash.
Ernesto, I just got a call from J.
C.
He and Becky went to the courthouse to elope! What?! Becky, thank you for having the courage to go through with this despite your father's disapproval.
You're an inspiration.
When they make a movie about you, Jonah Hill will finally win that Oscar.
I want you to put a baby in me so I can fight for the right to legally abort it! Can I help you, Officer? I know I wasn't speeding.
As a rule, I like to take the speed limit, divide it in half, and add five.
That's my personal vehicular safety algorithm.
"Doesn't speak English.
" You know, the new law Prop 7010 requires immigrants to carry their citizenship papers at all times.
Can I see yours? I'm not an immigrant! I was born here! If you were born here, who won the WNBA championship last year? The Phoenix Mercury.
No American would know that.
You're coming with me.
And so, in accordance with Mexifornia's new immigration law, my beloved was taken in for processing.
And formally deported.
Light the Deportation Cannon! But I'm legal! All right, sign family, you're next.
Help! Get this damn Rottweiler off me! I can't believe Becky would run off to marry that egghead without telling us! Look at Ernesto over there.
Oh, he just loves this.
I bet he's the one who put them up to it! Mi esposa! ¿Con mi robot? Ay, ay, ay! Oh, Mini Pelé! Hola, Bud! I heard your people put a serious midget on Game of Thrones.
Becky! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mrs.
Benicio Del Taco! You'll be happy to hear we didn't get married.
Because that horrible immigration law just got J.
C.
deported! Oh, my God, poor Becky! Bud, you need to do something about this! J.
C.
should not have been deported.
You need to make this right.
Oh, she'll get over that guy.
All right, fine.
I'll go talk to her.
J.
C.
! I need your help.
J.
C.
got deported.
We got to go to Mexico to find him.
Hijole, let's go! Wow, that was cool! I'm gonna do that! Did it look cool? Look, Bud, I'm all for law and order, but that law is wrong.
The only crime J.
C.
ever committed was falling in love and spending thousands of dollars of my money on a useless degree.
Oh, look, I'm driving 200 miles per hour.
How did that happen? Oh, God! Es la Virgen de Guadalupe! En mi tortilla! Oh, come on! The Virgin Mary is not in your tortilla! Stop doing this! It only reinforces a negative cultural stereotype! I like Mexican food.
You got a problem with that? That's for not believing in me, pocho! Boom, you just got male pattern baldness! God, these people have no idea what it's like to have foreigners ruin their country.
Spring break! I'm not paying for that.
J.
C.
Uncle Ernesto? Oh, am I glad to see you! What's he doing here? Monsters like him passed the law that got me deported! Well, you wouldn't have gotten deported if you hadn't come to my country in the first place.
I was born in America! Oh, yeah? Then why were you deported? Check.
Mix.
Come on, we're here to take you home.
Oh, God, a snake! Let's go, college boy.
Oh, God, a hawk! Oh, crap, Steve is on duty! If I'm caught smuggling in a deportee, I'll lose my job! I'll handle Steve.
Bud, you better get in the trunk with J.
C.
What?! I ain't getting in the trunk with that windbag! Ooh, the Cannon! At least I'm free from my wife! Get back here and raise our child! Hola, Steve.
¿Cómo estás? I speak English, Mr.
Gonzalez.
I'm an American.
How are your parents, Francisco and Consuelo? Frank and Connie are fine! Wait a minute.
Is something in your trunk? Why are you eating Kale chips? Isn't spooning with another man gay enough for you? Turn the car off and pop the trunk! I'm gonna have to inspect your vehicle.
What the hell? You bastards! Yes! Well, we did it.
It's good to be back in our border town.
Don't say the name of the show.
J.
C.
! Put me down! Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
Thank you, Daddy.
Well, you're my little girl.
I want you to be happy.
You know, I thought it over.
And you were right.
We don't need to get married right now.
She's right, Mr.
Buckwald.
How can we get married before we rename the country the United States of Indigenous Rape? I take comfort knowing you'll probably be pulled over and deported again tomorrow.
Thank you, Bud.
I know Becky will never forget what you did for her.
I'm proud of you.
And I think you deserve a very special reward.
Janice, I've already been in one hellhole tonight.
Hey, Bud, thanks again for helping me get my nephew back.
As a token of my appreciation, I wanted you to have this.
Oh, no! The hawk's family! Help! They're taking me back to Mexico!