Bored to Death (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
Stockholm Syndrome
(theme music playing) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
(whistle blows) Hey hey, be careful with that.
That was our bed, you know, guys? I had heard that the Israelis had cornered the moving business like the Greeks with diners, but, I mean, it seems unusual, you know, to have Jewish movers, right, doing such muscle-oriented work? What, are you another self-hating New York Jew? Mm-hmm.
Yes, I am.
Yeah.
Think of salad days They were folly and fun They were good They were young.
Yeah.
No.
Bye.
Are you sure about this? You're saying this now, after the truck is loaded? I don't know.
Yes.
I don't know.
Yes.
I don't know.
I don't want to lose you.
But, see, this is the problem.
It's only because I'm out the door that you're finally asking me to stop.
It's like you don't take action until it's too late.
I'm taking action now.
Don't go.
Jonathan it doesn't matter.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What? I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work you had to stop drinking and smoking pot.
And you didn't.
That was our deal.
It's dangerous to go cold turkey.
I'm down to white wine.
I can't help it, all right? I still like the way pot makes me think.
Maybe it's healthy.
Pot is not healthy.
They give it to cancer patients.
You don't have cancer.
Not yet.
Goodbye, Jonathan.
Let's go.
Please.
Come on.
I get it, all right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm crazy.
I'll quit the pot and the white wine.
She left you? Yeah.
I'm an idiot too much pot and white wine.
She was sweet.
I liked her.
But you gotta rebound fast.
- That's the best cure.
- (child laughing) I mean, just go on Craigslist.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe it's too soon.
- You know, I feel like - (glass shatters) - Jojo, what did you do? - (Jojo laughing) End of the day on the subway In my ear Along the way The headphones play I can hear you You're my favorite song I want to sing it again You're my favorite song Sing it to you, yeah Stuck in my head, replaying again But I don't mind Stuck in my heart, finish to start It's all right 'Cause you Are my favorite song I want to sing it again (phone ringing) You're my favorite song Sing it to you, yeah.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Ray.
That sucks, man.
I thought you guys were just mildly unhappy.
It happened all of a sudden.
She announced the move two days ago.
Are you destroyed? You gotta be destroyed, right? Are you destroyed? Last time I was heartbroken I felt like someone had put on my head one of those falcon hoods, you know, and all I could see was complete darkness.
A falcon hood? Yeah.
Anyway, why didn't you tell me? Because I thought she was bluffing.
I didn't think she would actually move out.
And then out of nowhere these super-efficient Israeli mover guys show up.
All of a sudden it's like the raid on Entebbe in my own apartment.
Let me get my computer.
What is the raid on Entebbe? It's it was an Israeli tactical, uh, group of peop fuck it, I don't know.
You used the words "falcon hood.
" I know what a falcon hood is.
Everybody knows what a falcon hood is.
- Really? - Yeah.
Falcon hood, anyone? Raid on Entebbe? Okay, we're even.
Anyway, do you think you can get her back? No, I don't think so.
I feel like Suzanne started to think that I was a loser because I'm struggling to write.
I mean, this second novel Yeah, listen, just yesterday Leah was like, "Why don't you go teach art in a public school?" I'm not gonna teach art at a public school.
I don't wake up till 11:00 A.
M.
"Go teach art.
" But if you did teach it would be a steady income.
Don't be disgusting.
Those women were into us because we were artists.
And then reality hits and no money and no real future, and then, you know pfft.
Leah is gonna break up with me any minute now.
I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks.
We are losers.
- We're not losers, okay? - We are.
Look, you're gonna be on my website next week.
I made you a therapist.
Look at that.
I wish you'd made me someone more heroic.
You are heroic.
Therapists are heroic.
They're the heroes of listening.
Next time give me some big muscles, some superpowers.
At least in your comic I can be a hero.
Yeah, but look at that picture of me.
It's pretty cool, isn't it? (game bleeping) (phone ringing) - Hello.
- Woman: I saw your ad.
What? What ad? Craigslist, Missing Persons.
Yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
Most of my clients are word-of-mouth, so I forgot about my ad.
How can I help you? It's about my sister.
I think she's missing.
What do you mean, "you think"? She hasn't answered her phone for two days and her voicemail is full.
And I came up from Philadelphia to go to a concert with her and she's not in her dorm.
Where are you? Let's discuss this in person.
Rachel? - Mr.
Ames? - Yes.
Can I sit down? Okay.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm really glad you found me on Craigslist.
I love Craigslist.
I use it for everything.
I didn't know what to do so I typed in "missing persons" and found you.
And you said your rates were reasonable.
They're very reasonable.
They're $100 for the day.
I guess I can afford that.
Great, okay.
Then down to business.
Do you have a picture of your sister? No.
Wait, I do on my phone.
Great.
(clears throat) Who's that? Her gross boyfriend Vincent.
What's gross about him besides that tattoo? I don't know.
He's English and he's a bartender.
And he's old like, 30.
That's not old.
I'm 30.
Anyway, they fight all the time.
My sister says even though Vincent is a total jerk they have amazing sex.
Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex.
It sucks.
I don't know why the world is like that.
But nice guys can be good too, you know thoughtful, attentive, just loving.
Whatever.
I think Vincent's a meth head.
And she wanted to break up with him.
And maybe he went homicidal on her.
Breakups can be hard on a guy.
What? My girlfriend moved out today.
It's actually kind of upsetting.
Are you really a private detective? Yes.
I think the thing to do is find this Vincent.
Find him we find her.
Cherchez I'homme.
I don't understand you.
Oh, instead of "cherchez la femme" I'm gonna try something different "cherchez I'homme.
" Do you speak French? No, I'm taking Spanish.
Español.
It means "find the man.
" Where did Lisa meet Vincent? At the bar where he works - The Parkside Lounge.
- (phone ringing) Everyone at NYU goes there because they don't card.
- Hi, George.
- Where are you? I'm working, uh, a job.
Don't forget you're working for me tonight.
It's important.
Right, I know.
I'll be there, okay? - Okay.
- Bye.
Another case closed.
(horns honking) Are you really a professional? As I put in my ad, I'm not licensed.
But I will find your sister, I promise.
I want to help you.
I hope everything will be all right.
This whole thing is really weird.
Don't worry.
Get home.
I'll call you later tonight, okay? Penn Station.
Take me higher Would you take me higher? Hey, Niko.
Where have you been? George is pissed.
He's drunk already? Don't pull that Anglophile bullshit, okay? He's pissed as in "angry at you.
" They party is almost over.
All we've got left are D-list celebrities And he wanted you to get good quotes for the party page.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I've had a bad day.
Well, what happened? Suzanne moved out, broke up with me.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's all right.
How are you and Sam doing? Actually, we broke up too.
That's strange that we should both be going through breakups at the same time.
Actually, I'm happier alone.
The only reason to be with somebody is to have sex, and I don't need sex.
I mean, when you're doing it it's okay, but when you're not it's like what's the point? Yeah, I guess.
Oh, here comes George.
I'd better get to work.
Do you have any pot? - Yeah.
- Of course you do.
That's very clever of you.
That's what you used to do before you quit smoking pot.
That's why I thought it was clever.
I'm still off pot, by the way, except when you tempt me, which is very very bad of you.
What? This is my Viagra bottle.
What are you doing with marijuana in my Viagra bottle? You gave me that bottle months ago.
There were two pills left in it.
You told me I should try them.
Now I'm putting my pot in that Are you insane? What if you got arrested for marijuana possession? "Page Six" would have a field day.
- I can't have - (door opens) Hello.
I can't have the world knowing that I use Viagra.
Do you really need to take so much? Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
My heart medicine and my heavy drinking have taken a toll.
I'm not what I once was.
But I accept that.
It's called humility.
Then why are you back on pot? (straining) Because I'm bored.
God, I'm bored.
Death by 1000 dull conversations.
I don't know what's going on, but almost everybody has bad wine breath tonight.
It's like Chernobyl out there.
Do you think we drink too much? No no, we don't drink too much.
Men face reality and women don't.
That's why men need to drink.
That's a line from my novel.
Yeah, well, you stole it from me.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, actually you did.
Actually no, I didn't.
Fine, Jonathan.
Anyway, Suzanne moved out today because, she says, I drink too much.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Why do you say that? Because you're like me, Jonathan we enthrall and then we disappoint.
It used to take me several years.
Now it's a couple of weeks.
If I'm with a woman longer than that then there's something wrong with her.
But why? Why are your relationships so short now? Well, I I don't lie as well as I used to, I guess.
Well, that means you're more honest.
(grunts) No.
(laughs) These one-hitters should really be called three-hitters.
You may steal that line too if you want.
- I hope that answered your question.
- Thank you.
Parkside Lounge, Manhattan.
Is Vincent Ellis working tonight? What would you like? Just some white wine.
No, wait.
Whisky, no ice.
(coughs) - Excuse me.
- Yeah? I called earlier tonight.
Someone told me that Vincent started working at 9:00.
You spoke to me.
He called a little while ago, said he wasn't coming in.
Do you know where he might be? What do you want to know? Do you know where he lives? He's not listed in the phone book.
I'll tell you one thing he's not home.
Can you tell me another thing then, like where he's at? He's at the Velma Hotel.
He didn't tell me, but it came up on the caller I.
D.
Thanks for the information.
You've been very helpful.
(coughs) I've been laying off the whisky.
I've been on a white wine regimen, trying to save a relationship.
Good for you.
(coughing) Is there a Vincent Ellis staying here? Vincent Ellis.
Fuck you.
Have you seen these two? Fuck you.
Come on, man, you don't have to curse so much.
Can I sit in the lobby and see if they come out for cigarettes or something? No, you can rent a room $60 for three hours, $90 for the night.
You do that you can sit in that chair.
(snapping fingers) Do people use their real names in this place? Did I miss anything? Did they go out? Don't say it.
I saw the man.
He went out and came back in already with beer.
Wait, what about the girl? No girl.
What room is he staying in? Vincent? Vincent Ellis? What the hell is going on out here? Nothing.
I'm sorry.
You want a date, baby? I just had a client cancel on me.
You know, I can't right now, but thank you.
Um What the fuck is going on? Are you Vincent Ellis? No.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm here to help you.
Your sister sent me.
Everything is fine.
I'm a private detective.
What? - Wait, whoa whoa.
- Get out of my room.
- Put that out.
Put that out.
- Get out of our room.
- Put that out.
Put that out, come on.
- Go on, get out.
Get out of our fucking room.
(muffled) Vincent, no! (phone ringing) Who the fuck is calling you? Can you wait one second, please? It's my boss calling.
I'm gonna answer it.
He hates if I don't answer it.
Hello, George.
Ames, I'm craving marijuana.
I can't sleep.
You got me started again.
Can you come over? Don't blame me.
You're the one who asked for pot at the party.
But I really can't come over right now.
Don't me a milquetoast.
Where are you, Brooklyn? Hop in a car service.
I'll pay.
Are you at a party? Are there women? - (muffled screaming) - Vincent: Get out.
- I have to go, George.
- No, I'll come to you.
I have to go, George.
Bye.
Who the fuck are you? I'm a private detective.
Rachel Klein asked me to look for Lisa.
Why is she tied to the bed? I don't believe you're a detective.
Well, I'm not a licensed private detective.
I'm a writer.
Ah, what kind of writer? A novelist, some journalism.
But I've been struggling with my second novel.
They're the hardest to write.
I write.
Yeah, I write songs.
- (groans) - It's really what I want to do with my life.
That's cool.
But listen, what's going on? Lisa's sister is really worried.
They were supposed to go to a concert.
Well, I'll tell you what's going on.
She broke up with me.
I'm trying to put things back together.
Really? My girlfriend broke up with me.
She moved out today.
I'm pretty upset.
And you just let her go? That's not cool.
You have to be a man when that happens.
(muffled) Are you kidding me? Yeah yeah, I let her go.
Why is Lisa tied to the bed? I don't like the looks of that.
Who are you to judge? We're role-playing the Stockholm syndrome.
That's why we got this sleazy room to make it authentic.
Huh.
I've always been intrigued by the Stockholm syndrome.
It makes me think of my childhood.
Yeah, well, she's supposed to fall in love with her captor in this case fall back in love.
(quietly) Hmm, I should have tried that.
Can I come out now? All right.
But you'd better be cool.
(sniffs) What's that smell? Meth.
Oh, come on, man, you can't smoke meth.
It's all chemicals.
I have pot.
It's natural.
It's better for you.
Can I have a hit? Yes.
Do you want a hit? Can we take the washcloth out of her mouth? No, we need to stay in our roles.
Also she still wants to break up with me and I really don't want to hear about it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because, she says, I smoke too much pot and drink too much white wine.
She's right.
How can you love someone if you're in a fog the whole time? You want a hit of meth? I've never, but if - (knocks on door) - Man: Police! - Shit.
Fuck.
- Coming.
- (Lisa shouting) - Get rid of this.
Open up.
Okay.
Can I help you, Officers? There was some kind of fight going on up in there.
Excuse me.
(muffled) Oh, God.
Are these two men abusing you? I'm fine.
They're not abusing me.
That is my ex-boyfriend.
Don't say that.
But I don't even know who that guy is.
I think there's something wrong with him.
All right, step out in the hallway, sir.
- I was just trying to help.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm a writer.
- Mm-hmm, let's go.
Never thought I was invincible So let me ask you why'd you pull this Craigslist stunt? - For the money? - No, not at all.
I wasn't in my right mind, okay? My girlfriend just broke up with me.
I don't to hear about your love life.
I actually lost money on this whole thing.
I forgot to tell the little sister about expenses.
In the books I've read the private detective always asks for expenses.
I've spent $80 on bribes, $60 on a hotel All right, shut up.
Listen.
You didn't actually break any laws.
And the girl and her boyfriend - are not filing a complaint after all.
- Whoo.
- So we'll do some paperwork - I'm not breaking up with you, but you had better get that tattoo changed.
I'm sick of looking at that "Lisa" right on your belly.
It's your name.
- But that's the other Lisa.
- Can you wait one second, sir? Just Lisa, Lisa, call your sister and let her know you're all right.
Or I can call her I already called her, asshole.
Thanks for not pressing charges.
- What is your problem? - I was just Don't you ever pull a stunt like this again.
If you go back on that Craigslist and impersonate an investigator, you're gonna end up in Rikers.
And I don't see you thriving in that environment.
Being alone it can be quite romantic Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic A fantastic voyage, to parts unknown Hey.
We gotta sit outside.
Some early-morning post-natal yoga class exploded.
It's like a nursery in there.
I got you coffee.
- Thank you.
- Okay, so look, I'm glad you called me 'cause I want to talk to you about something too.
You can go first, but I gotta tell you I had a really wild night last night.
Okay, let me go first and then you, okay? So I'm at Leah's last night.
I'm lying there in bed.
I'm waiting for her to put her kids to sleep.
Last night was supposed to be the night that we, you know, broke our cold streak sexwise.
So she's putting her kids to sleep and I'm waiting there and I'm thinking, "I want to be put to sleep.
I want to be tucked in.
I want to be the only child in a woman's life.
" So anyway, I'm waiting and waiting.
She finally comes to the bedroom around 10:30 and she goes, "Can I shut my eyes for 10 minutes?" That 10 minutes turns into the rest of the night.
She passed out cold.
Oh, God, that's terrible, but can I just tell you? - You would not believe.
- I'm not - I'm sorry.
- Do you want to say? - No no, if you're not - Okay, just let me so then I leave around 1:00 A.
M.
She's been calling me all morning like, "How can you abandon me? How can you be so insensitive to my abandonment issues?" And there's only so much that, you know It sounds so awful, but listen to me.
I got into a really what? - There's Leah.
- What? How dare you leave me in the middle of the night like a one-night stand? One-night stand? I wish it was.
You should have stayed and held me.
What, am I a hot-water bottle? I'm a man.
I have needs.
You call this monogamy? I call it celibacy.
Those are big words for you.
Did you read them in one of your comic books? (crying) I read them in my diary.
(whimpering) Jane Lessing? Jonathan Ames.
Yeah, I believe I can help you.
(rock music playing) In this halfway home.
(whistle blows) Hey hey, be careful with that.
That was our bed, you know, guys? I had heard that the Israelis had cornered the moving business like the Greeks with diners, but, I mean, it seems unusual, you know, to have Jewish movers, right, doing such muscle-oriented work? What, are you another self-hating New York Jew? Mm-hmm.
Yes, I am.
Yeah.
Think of salad days They were folly and fun They were good They were young.
Yeah.
No.
Bye.
Are you sure about this? You're saying this now, after the truck is loaded? I don't know.
Yes.
I don't know.
Yes.
I don't know.
I don't want to lose you.
But, see, this is the problem.
It's only because I'm out the door that you're finally asking me to stop.
It's like you don't take action until it's too late.
I'm taking action now.
Don't go.
Jonathan it doesn't matter.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What? I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work you had to stop drinking and smoking pot.
And you didn't.
That was our deal.
It's dangerous to go cold turkey.
I'm down to white wine.
I can't help it, all right? I still like the way pot makes me think.
Maybe it's healthy.
Pot is not healthy.
They give it to cancer patients.
You don't have cancer.
Not yet.
Goodbye, Jonathan.
Let's go.
Please.
Come on.
I get it, all right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm crazy.
I'll quit the pot and the white wine.
She left you? Yeah.
I'm an idiot too much pot and white wine.
She was sweet.
I liked her.
But you gotta rebound fast.
- That's the best cure.
- (child laughing) I mean, just go on Craigslist.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe it's too soon.
- You know, I feel like - (glass shatters) - Jojo, what did you do? - (Jojo laughing) End of the day on the subway In my ear Along the way The headphones play I can hear you You're my favorite song I want to sing it again You're my favorite song Sing it to you, yeah Stuck in my head, replaying again But I don't mind Stuck in my heart, finish to start It's all right 'Cause you Are my favorite song I want to sing it again (phone ringing) You're my favorite song Sing it to you, yeah.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Ray.
That sucks, man.
I thought you guys were just mildly unhappy.
It happened all of a sudden.
She announced the move two days ago.
Are you destroyed? You gotta be destroyed, right? Are you destroyed? Last time I was heartbroken I felt like someone had put on my head one of those falcon hoods, you know, and all I could see was complete darkness.
A falcon hood? Yeah.
Anyway, why didn't you tell me? Because I thought she was bluffing.
I didn't think she would actually move out.
And then out of nowhere these super-efficient Israeli mover guys show up.
All of a sudden it's like the raid on Entebbe in my own apartment.
Let me get my computer.
What is the raid on Entebbe? It's it was an Israeli tactical, uh, group of peop fuck it, I don't know.
You used the words "falcon hood.
" I know what a falcon hood is.
Everybody knows what a falcon hood is.
- Really? - Yeah.
Falcon hood, anyone? Raid on Entebbe? Okay, we're even.
Anyway, do you think you can get her back? No, I don't think so.
I feel like Suzanne started to think that I was a loser because I'm struggling to write.
I mean, this second novel Yeah, listen, just yesterday Leah was like, "Why don't you go teach art in a public school?" I'm not gonna teach art at a public school.
I don't wake up till 11:00 A.
M.
"Go teach art.
" But if you did teach it would be a steady income.
Don't be disgusting.
Those women were into us because we were artists.
And then reality hits and no money and no real future, and then, you know pfft.
Leah is gonna break up with me any minute now.
I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks.
We are losers.
- We're not losers, okay? - We are.
Look, you're gonna be on my website next week.
I made you a therapist.
Look at that.
I wish you'd made me someone more heroic.
You are heroic.
Therapists are heroic.
They're the heroes of listening.
Next time give me some big muscles, some superpowers.
At least in your comic I can be a hero.
Yeah, but look at that picture of me.
It's pretty cool, isn't it? (game bleeping) (phone ringing) - Hello.
- Woman: I saw your ad.
What? What ad? Craigslist, Missing Persons.
Yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
Most of my clients are word-of-mouth, so I forgot about my ad.
How can I help you? It's about my sister.
I think she's missing.
What do you mean, "you think"? She hasn't answered her phone for two days and her voicemail is full.
And I came up from Philadelphia to go to a concert with her and she's not in her dorm.
Where are you? Let's discuss this in person.
Rachel? - Mr.
Ames? - Yes.
Can I sit down? Okay.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm really glad you found me on Craigslist.
I love Craigslist.
I use it for everything.
I didn't know what to do so I typed in "missing persons" and found you.
And you said your rates were reasonable.
They're very reasonable.
They're $100 for the day.
I guess I can afford that.
Great, okay.
Then down to business.
Do you have a picture of your sister? No.
Wait, I do on my phone.
Great.
(clears throat) Who's that? Her gross boyfriend Vincent.
What's gross about him besides that tattoo? I don't know.
He's English and he's a bartender.
And he's old like, 30.
That's not old.
I'm 30.
Anyway, they fight all the time.
My sister says even though Vincent is a total jerk they have amazing sex.
Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex.
It sucks.
I don't know why the world is like that.
But nice guys can be good too, you know thoughtful, attentive, just loving.
Whatever.
I think Vincent's a meth head.
And she wanted to break up with him.
And maybe he went homicidal on her.
Breakups can be hard on a guy.
What? My girlfriend moved out today.
It's actually kind of upsetting.
Are you really a private detective? Yes.
I think the thing to do is find this Vincent.
Find him we find her.
Cherchez I'homme.
I don't understand you.
Oh, instead of "cherchez la femme" I'm gonna try something different "cherchez I'homme.
" Do you speak French? No, I'm taking Spanish.
Español.
It means "find the man.
" Where did Lisa meet Vincent? At the bar where he works - The Parkside Lounge.
- (phone ringing) Everyone at NYU goes there because they don't card.
- Hi, George.
- Where are you? I'm working, uh, a job.
Don't forget you're working for me tonight.
It's important.
Right, I know.
I'll be there, okay? - Okay.
- Bye.
Another case closed.
(horns honking) Are you really a professional? As I put in my ad, I'm not licensed.
But I will find your sister, I promise.
I want to help you.
I hope everything will be all right.
This whole thing is really weird.
Don't worry.
Get home.
I'll call you later tonight, okay? Penn Station.
Take me higher Would you take me higher? Hey, Niko.
Where have you been? George is pissed.
He's drunk already? Don't pull that Anglophile bullshit, okay? He's pissed as in "angry at you.
" They party is almost over.
All we've got left are D-list celebrities And he wanted you to get good quotes for the party page.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I've had a bad day.
Well, what happened? Suzanne moved out, broke up with me.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's all right.
How are you and Sam doing? Actually, we broke up too.
That's strange that we should both be going through breakups at the same time.
Actually, I'm happier alone.
The only reason to be with somebody is to have sex, and I don't need sex.
I mean, when you're doing it it's okay, but when you're not it's like what's the point? Yeah, I guess.
Oh, here comes George.
I'd better get to work.
Do you have any pot? - Yeah.
- Of course you do.
That's very clever of you.
That's what you used to do before you quit smoking pot.
That's why I thought it was clever.
I'm still off pot, by the way, except when you tempt me, which is very very bad of you.
What? This is my Viagra bottle.
What are you doing with marijuana in my Viagra bottle? You gave me that bottle months ago.
There were two pills left in it.
You told me I should try them.
Now I'm putting my pot in that Are you insane? What if you got arrested for marijuana possession? "Page Six" would have a field day.
- I can't have - (door opens) Hello.
I can't have the world knowing that I use Viagra.
Do you really need to take so much? Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
My heart medicine and my heavy drinking have taken a toll.
I'm not what I once was.
But I accept that.
It's called humility.
Then why are you back on pot? (straining) Because I'm bored.
God, I'm bored.
Death by 1000 dull conversations.
I don't know what's going on, but almost everybody has bad wine breath tonight.
It's like Chernobyl out there.
Do you think we drink too much? No no, we don't drink too much.
Men face reality and women don't.
That's why men need to drink.
That's a line from my novel.
Yeah, well, you stole it from me.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, actually you did.
Actually no, I didn't.
Fine, Jonathan.
Anyway, Suzanne moved out today because, she says, I drink too much.
Well, I'm not surprised.
Why do you say that? Because you're like me, Jonathan we enthrall and then we disappoint.
It used to take me several years.
Now it's a couple of weeks.
If I'm with a woman longer than that then there's something wrong with her.
But why? Why are your relationships so short now? Well, I I don't lie as well as I used to, I guess.
Well, that means you're more honest.
(grunts) No.
(laughs) These one-hitters should really be called three-hitters.
You may steal that line too if you want.
- I hope that answered your question.
- Thank you.
Parkside Lounge, Manhattan.
Is Vincent Ellis working tonight? What would you like? Just some white wine.
No, wait.
Whisky, no ice.
(coughs) - Excuse me.
- Yeah? I called earlier tonight.
Someone told me that Vincent started working at 9:00.
You spoke to me.
He called a little while ago, said he wasn't coming in.
Do you know where he might be? What do you want to know? Do you know where he lives? He's not listed in the phone book.
I'll tell you one thing he's not home.
Can you tell me another thing then, like where he's at? He's at the Velma Hotel.
He didn't tell me, but it came up on the caller I.
D.
Thanks for the information.
You've been very helpful.
(coughs) I've been laying off the whisky.
I've been on a white wine regimen, trying to save a relationship.
Good for you.
(coughing) Is there a Vincent Ellis staying here? Vincent Ellis.
Fuck you.
Have you seen these two? Fuck you.
Come on, man, you don't have to curse so much.
Can I sit in the lobby and see if they come out for cigarettes or something? No, you can rent a room $60 for three hours, $90 for the night.
You do that you can sit in that chair.
(snapping fingers) Do people use their real names in this place? Did I miss anything? Did they go out? Don't say it.
I saw the man.
He went out and came back in already with beer.
Wait, what about the girl? No girl.
What room is he staying in? Vincent? Vincent Ellis? What the hell is going on out here? Nothing.
I'm sorry.
You want a date, baby? I just had a client cancel on me.
You know, I can't right now, but thank you.
Um What the fuck is going on? Are you Vincent Ellis? No.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm here to help you.
Your sister sent me.
Everything is fine.
I'm a private detective.
What? - Wait, whoa whoa.
- Get out of my room.
- Put that out.
Put that out.
- Get out of our room.
- Put that out.
Put that out, come on.
- Go on, get out.
Get out of our fucking room.
(muffled) Vincent, no! (phone ringing) Who the fuck is calling you? Can you wait one second, please? It's my boss calling.
I'm gonna answer it.
He hates if I don't answer it.
Hello, George.
Ames, I'm craving marijuana.
I can't sleep.
You got me started again.
Can you come over? Don't blame me.
You're the one who asked for pot at the party.
But I really can't come over right now.
Don't me a milquetoast.
Where are you, Brooklyn? Hop in a car service.
I'll pay.
Are you at a party? Are there women? - (muffled screaming) - Vincent: Get out.
- I have to go, George.
- No, I'll come to you.
I have to go, George.
Bye.
Who the fuck are you? I'm a private detective.
Rachel Klein asked me to look for Lisa.
Why is she tied to the bed? I don't believe you're a detective.
Well, I'm not a licensed private detective.
I'm a writer.
Ah, what kind of writer? A novelist, some journalism.
But I've been struggling with my second novel.
They're the hardest to write.
I write.
Yeah, I write songs.
- (groans) - It's really what I want to do with my life.
That's cool.
But listen, what's going on? Lisa's sister is really worried.
They were supposed to go to a concert.
Well, I'll tell you what's going on.
She broke up with me.
I'm trying to put things back together.
Really? My girlfriend broke up with me.
She moved out today.
I'm pretty upset.
And you just let her go? That's not cool.
You have to be a man when that happens.
(muffled) Are you kidding me? Yeah yeah, I let her go.
Why is Lisa tied to the bed? I don't like the looks of that.
Who are you to judge? We're role-playing the Stockholm syndrome.
That's why we got this sleazy room to make it authentic.
Huh.
I've always been intrigued by the Stockholm syndrome.
It makes me think of my childhood.
Yeah, well, she's supposed to fall in love with her captor in this case fall back in love.
(quietly) Hmm, I should have tried that.
Can I come out now? All right.
But you'd better be cool.
(sniffs) What's that smell? Meth.
Oh, come on, man, you can't smoke meth.
It's all chemicals.
I have pot.
It's natural.
It's better for you.
Can I have a hit? Yes.
Do you want a hit? Can we take the washcloth out of her mouth? No, we need to stay in our roles.
Also she still wants to break up with me and I really don't want to hear about it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because, she says, I smoke too much pot and drink too much white wine.
She's right.
How can you love someone if you're in a fog the whole time? You want a hit of meth? I've never, but if - (knocks on door) - Man: Police! - Shit.
Fuck.
- Coming.
- (Lisa shouting) - Get rid of this.
Open up.
Okay.
Can I help you, Officers? There was some kind of fight going on up in there.
Excuse me.
(muffled) Oh, God.
Are these two men abusing you? I'm fine.
They're not abusing me.
That is my ex-boyfriend.
Don't say that.
But I don't even know who that guy is.
I think there's something wrong with him.
All right, step out in the hallway, sir.
- I was just trying to help.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm a writer.
- Mm-hmm, let's go.
Never thought I was invincible So let me ask you why'd you pull this Craigslist stunt? - For the money? - No, not at all.
I wasn't in my right mind, okay? My girlfriend just broke up with me.
I don't to hear about your love life.
I actually lost money on this whole thing.
I forgot to tell the little sister about expenses.
In the books I've read the private detective always asks for expenses.
I've spent $80 on bribes, $60 on a hotel All right, shut up.
Listen.
You didn't actually break any laws.
And the girl and her boyfriend - are not filing a complaint after all.
- Whoo.
- So we'll do some paperwork - I'm not breaking up with you, but you had better get that tattoo changed.
I'm sick of looking at that "Lisa" right on your belly.
It's your name.
- But that's the other Lisa.
- Can you wait one second, sir? Just Lisa, Lisa, call your sister and let her know you're all right.
Or I can call her I already called her, asshole.
Thanks for not pressing charges.
- What is your problem? - I was just Don't you ever pull a stunt like this again.
If you go back on that Craigslist and impersonate an investigator, you're gonna end up in Rikers.
And I don't see you thriving in that environment.
Being alone it can be quite romantic Like Jacques Cousteau underneath the Atlantic A fantastic voyage, to parts unknown Hey.
We gotta sit outside.
Some early-morning post-natal yoga class exploded.
It's like a nursery in there.
I got you coffee.
- Thank you.
- Okay, so look, I'm glad you called me 'cause I want to talk to you about something too.
You can go first, but I gotta tell you I had a really wild night last night.
Okay, let me go first and then you, okay? So I'm at Leah's last night.
I'm lying there in bed.
I'm waiting for her to put her kids to sleep.
Last night was supposed to be the night that we, you know, broke our cold streak sexwise.
So she's putting her kids to sleep and I'm waiting there and I'm thinking, "I want to be put to sleep.
I want to be tucked in.
I want to be the only child in a woman's life.
" So anyway, I'm waiting and waiting.
She finally comes to the bedroom around 10:30 and she goes, "Can I shut my eyes for 10 minutes?" That 10 minutes turns into the rest of the night.
She passed out cold.
Oh, God, that's terrible, but can I just tell you? - You would not believe.
- I'm not - I'm sorry.
- Do you want to say? - No no, if you're not - Okay, just let me so then I leave around 1:00 A.
M.
She's been calling me all morning like, "How can you abandon me? How can you be so insensitive to my abandonment issues?" And there's only so much that, you know It sounds so awful, but listen to me.
I got into a really what? - There's Leah.
- What? How dare you leave me in the middle of the night like a one-night stand? One-night stand? I wish it was.
You should have stayed and held me.
What, am I a hot-water bottle? I'm a man.
I have needs.
You call this monogamy? I call it celibacy.
Those are big words for you.
Did you read them in one of your comic books? (crying) I read them in my diary.
(whimpering) Jane Lessing? Jonathan Ames.
Yeah, I believe I can help you.
(rock music playing) In this halfway home.