Boston Legal s01e01 Episode Script

Tara.
Hey, I'm Brad Chase from D.
C.
- Alan Shore.
- Pleasure.
I think that's my seat.
Yes.
I did see someone's things here.
I moved them to a less desirable location.
I'm sorry.
We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we? - Denny Crane.
- Yes, Denny.
I know.
- I run the New York office.
Peter Stone? - Ah? Oh.
- Denny Crane.
- I know.
I'm, uh, with Chicago.
My kind of town.
Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago.
- What about you? - Well, um Greetings Tokyo, London.
- Good morning.
- Morning, Denny.
- Brad Chase.
There you are, soldier.
- Hey.
Oh, everybody remembers Brad Chase, I'm sure.
Hell, if I do It's good to see you, man.
All right, everybody, lock and load! Item one Forget item one.
Well, actually, Denny, item one is a rather urgent matter that we must discuss.
- Why don't you brief us? - Gladly.
If we Item two.
Beckerman discovery? What the hell is that? Well, opposing counsel was granted their motion to compel.
Which means we are now required to turn over all correspondence and scientific studies.
Hmm.
What about the ones we burned before the judge's orders? - We didn't burn any documents.
- Well, sure we did.
Do it today.
All right, Nigel.
Keep going.
We're listening.
Uh, if we don't - Item three.
- Damn it.
This is not a way to conduct a staff meeting.
Where the hell is Edwin? Sorry I'm late, good people.
Is it casual Monday? Edwin, everything all right? Hunky-dory.
- It's all gonna be fine, Mr.
Poole.
- Unbelievable.
Not really.
Always figured him for a loon.
Tara! Where's Tara? I need Tara! I'm right here, Edwin.
Oh, thank you.
You have to contact Bill.
- L I will, Edwin.
I promise.
- Apologize for my delay.
Then call my wife.
Tell her I've had a small breakdown.
Not to worry.
- Of course.
- O-Oh, my goodness.
I have the Brant appeal.
- I have the Brant appeal! - Relax, Edwin.
We'll handle it.
Denny, guess what.
I'm due in court with Tara.
We're on it.
Don't you worry.
- You just get better.
- Okay.
- Demagnetize his parking pass.
- I beg your pardon? I know when a man has gone.
Do you think you can handle this case without a copilot? - Well, I N-N - Who's the judge? - Resnick.
- He's a schmuck.
Alan, back Tara up.
She's before Schmuck Resnick.
See if you can get a damn continuance.
- Coming through, please.
- Brad, you got a few minutes? - Actually, no.
I've got an early shuttle.
- Get a later one.
- I need some face time.
- What's up? Edwin Poole was the only one here able to rein in Denny Crane.
Without him If you are about to go where I think you're going We need you back in Boston more than in D.
C.
, Brad.
Lori, Ernie Dell just came in.
He's upset about something.
I sent him to your office.
- My office? - Yeah, the alternative would be Denny's office.
- And nobody here wants that.
- Excuse me.
I need a lawyer.
This is my daughter.
She tried out for the national tour of Annie.
And she was the best one.
And she was passed over because she was black.
It's discrimination.
It's bigotry.
It's prejudice.
And we want justice.
Please tell me that you've never seen anything like that before.
Baring your ass to 24 attorneys, including two overseas that is an unprecedented triumph.
I'm just distraught I didn't think of it myself.
You know what I like about you? No, I do not.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt.
Brad Chase.
I've been asked to stay, which I'm considering.
But I'm concerned that you and I have gotten off on the wrong foot.
I like to be straight up with people.
If there's an issue or conflict, let's address it head-on if you don't mind.
I have trouble talking that fast.
I don't believe in being straight up.
But I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.
There's a potential client in the conference room.
I'd like you to meet with her.
Oh, forgot to mention I outrank you.
- Do you? And I'm such a slut for authority.
- All right.
You think the two little boys could get off the playground now? - "Kiss today.
" - I don't want to sing.
You need to practice.
You want to makeJuilliard? "Kiss today.
" - Oh, my.
- Never mind, "Oh, my.
" She sings like a sparrow.
Here, look.
I've got these producer notes which I was able to get ahold of because of my own personal ingenuity.
Says she has the most talent.
You can read it for yourself.
I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake.
I don't do musical comedy.
Annie's a drama.
It's full of suspense on whether a little girl gets to live with the rich guy.
It's dramatic.
- Can I help you? - Yes.
I need to speak to Edwin Poole immediately.
- I'm afraid Mr.
Poole has stepped out - You don't understand.
This is an urgent matter.
Where the hell is Edwin Poole? - Hi.
Is there anything I can do to help? - Yes.
- My ex-husband is trying to take my children from me.
- Okay.
And Edwin Poole he missed my hearing today.
And I've been calling his cell phone, and I mean, what the hell is going on around here? Excuse me.
I'm Brad Chase.
We're gonna take care of this for you.
Now why don't you just take a seat in the conference room? I'll get you a glass of water.
All right.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Yeah? - I was handling it.
- I thought I'd help.
That's nice.
But again, I was handling it.
- Why does it bother you that I'm trying to help? - Maybe because you feel - I can't deal with a client on my own.
- I don't feel that way at all.
- Then I guess I really have no idea what you feel.
- I guess not.
- And that's supposed to be my fault? - Wait a minute.
You two have had sex.
I'm sorry.
We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we? If you're not going to tell me I would prefer to tell Denny.
Where the hell is he? Ernie, you and I have done business for a long time.
And we've always been able to talk to each other.
If I'm to help you here My wife is cheating on me.
Uh And she informed me that she has been cheating on me for our entire marriage.
It's been a fraud from day one.
Okay.
First, you've only been married since August.
Second, you've had five other marriages dissolve each But this this was the real thing.
What's the goal? To get her back? Uh, I'd like to put a private investigator on her.
Get some proof.
- If she's admitted - The goal being to get some compromising pictures to use as leverage.
In hopes of Negotiating an annulment.
I know it sounds crazy.
And I know I'm one of those obnoxious stage mothers.
I get that.
But Sarah worked hard.
I've tried to teach her what you earn, people can't take that away from you.
- She's earned this, Mr.
Shore.
- I have no doubt.
But you realize producers do have discretion.
And the art of casting strikes me as a very inexact science.
If they knew they were gonna go white, why did they let her try out at all? Why did they let her get her hopes up? I'll tell you why.
So they can pass themselves off as equal opportunity employers.
So they can claim to be about diversity.
They want it both ways, Mr.
Shore.
And my daughter got hurt.
That was our deal.
I would work two jobs, put him through business school.
Then he would put me through medical school.
A week after he graduated, he got a job running a mutual fund.
And a week after that, he left me.
Our kids were four then.
Twins.
Simon and Harry.
They're eight now.
- Oh, they're beautiful.
- Thanks.
In their Peewee-league uniforms.
You know he's never seen one of their games.
He pay your way through med school? Take a wild guess.
I don't care though.
I've graduated now.
I've got a residency waiting for me in New York City.
But Matthew won't let me take the boys out of state.
Says he wants them close by, these boys he sees once a month.
It's nothing but spite.
Now, look, we're going to reschedule a hearing.
I'm sure everything is going to work out fine.
You just have to be patient.
If I'm not at Columbia Presbyterian they will give my spot away.
That can't happen.
I have worked too hard to build a life for these boys.
- We can't tail the wife.
- That's what he wants, Denny.
Can't do it.
Not ethical.
She's a client too.
What I would suggest is we send a letter of withdrawal to end-run the conflict.
- Get an opinion letter of outside counsel - I don't want to tail the wife.
Denny, I don't need to tell you that Ernie Dell is one of our biggest clients.
If he wants a private investigator, what's the real harm? - The harm would be to me.
- I'm sorry? I'm the one sleeping with his wife.
Denny is having an affair with the woman? I've got a senior partner saying don't tail her.
I've got a client wanting snapshots.
What do I do, Paul? Convince Ernie that the private investigator idea is a bad one.
Oh, sure.
You have enormous persuasive skills, Lori.
- You're handling me.
- I am.
And I need you to handle Ernie.
I will handle Denny.
- Tara? - Hi.
Don't be offended by this.
I know you're a great lawyer with exceptional legal skills.
- And? - I need you to flirt with Ernie Dell.
- Excuse me? - The man is a profound skirt chaser.
- What's wrong with your skirt? - Okay, look.
Men sometimes find me attractive.
From time to time, they'll even hit on me.
It's all deeply rewarding.
But you - What me? - You're hot.
Yeah.
Kind of nasty hot.
Men would leave their wives for you.
- And I need to make Ernie forget about his wife so - If you think that I Don't make me pull rank.
You can file your sexual harassment claim tomorrow.
But today now you need to meet with Ernie.
It seems the client can't pay.
So the firm will have to eat the cost of prosecuting this matter.
I'm sure the partners won't object when they hear that it was a case you assigned to me.
I'll tell you what.
I'll pay the cost of prosecuting the case.
- Mmm.
- Of course if you were a betting man You win, I pay.
You lose, you pay.
Bit of a gamble, I realize.
I'll pay double.
- You got another hearing? - That's the good news.
The not-so-good news is we probably won't win it.
But it at least gives us leverage to get your ex-husband in a room.
Wa-Wait.
What are you talking about? We want to take a shot at a settlement.
Now if your ex cares anything about these kids, then He doesn't.
This is all about getting me.
Have I not been clear about that? He doesn't even know the kids.
I've dealt with bad ex-husbands before.
Mr.
Chase, no offense, but you have never dealt with this one.
Trust me.
This is Little Orphan Annie for God's sake.
If she doesn't look the part I didn't realize we did racial profiling for our comic strips.
These are private investors.
There is no state action involved.
How would the story change if Annie were black? - Your Honor, are you serious? - Counsel, we are talking about adoption here.
Daddy Warbucks isn't the biological father.
- Exactly how would the story change? - Little Orphan Annie - is an iconic character based - I want to see her.
Excuse me? The girl who got the role.
I want to compare.
Your Honor, is that really fair to the other little girl? Well, counsel, if she can sing eight times a week in front of 3,000-plus people a night, she can sing in front of me.
Get her in here.
I want the private investigator.
The thing is, Ernie, the photographs will have no legal relevance.
They can't facilitate an annulment.
I am the customer here, Lori.
Customer isn't always right.
May I make an observation? I really don't know you, Mr.
Dell but I suspect there's a reason why all these younger women want to marry you.
- It's called money.
- You're wrong.
It's called power.
And you derive a lot of that power notjust from being handsome and sexy but from being dignified.
Hiring a private investigator is beneath you.
There are many young, beautiful women out there who would love to jump into your Wife's place.
I know this sounds crazy, but you might want to look at this as an opportunity.
Paul.
You and I go back a long way, Denny.
Completely mindful of the fact that you helped build this place the partners here will not allow you to dismantle it with your buffoonery.
- What did you say to me? - I don't think you want to hear me say it again.
To have an affair with the wife of one of our biggest clients it disrespects both Ernie Dell and this firm.
- We have other clients.
- Not like Ernie.
But your point is well taken.
Everybody is fungible.
Lori Colson won't tail my wife.
I want you to do it.
- Ernie.
- I'm not talking to you.
Get it done, Denny.
Denny, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.
I've always prided myself on being well, nuts.
But in this firm, I find myself falling into the sane category.
You think I'm nuts, do you? Are you scared? Scared? What would I be scared of? Edwin Poole is a friend.
To see him just go off the high dive.
Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole.
From time to time, he'd look in the mirror and ask, "What's the point?" I never do that.
Questions like that'll kill you.
- Questions like "What's the point?" - Look.
Take you for example.
Tomorrow, you're gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one.
What's the point? You don't ask.
That's the point.
You gonna win, by the way? The world wants to know.
I'm afraid not.
There's no state action.
We've asked for a specific performance with no clear evidence of discrimination.
I don't like losing, especially when there's a wager involved.
Well, don't, soldier.
Pull a rabbit out of your hat.
That's the secret of both trial law and life.
- Rabbits? - Oh, yeah.
Good morning.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for you, actually.
All my life.
Matthew.
- Tara.
- Alan.
I had a girl who looked like you once.
Married her.
Now she looks like you.
Where the hell is my lawyer? If you took summer, plus winter breaks spring break, holiday weekends you start to get pretty close to what you have right now.
- Pass.
- That's too much custody for Super Dad.
Is there any acceptable scenario that would allow for Sharon to enroll in her program without leaving the boys behind? We could each take one.
Excuse me? Like that Nazi movie where the woman has to pick which kid to keep.
- Sophie's Choice.
- Thank you.
Only this is Sharon's choice.
One goes with her to New York.
I keep the other one.
- Done.
- That's outrageous.
The boys love each other.
Th-They're best friends.
A little weird, don't you think? - Let's see what happens when we split 'em up.
- Stop doing this! You have already scarred your children enough to last a lifetime! Imagine how that feels to a little boy knowing that their father could care less whether he sees them or not! And yet if it means denying me something that I want something that I deserve, something that this family needs suddenly you're a you're a concerned father! - Damn you! - And what about my needs, huh? What freakish nightmare did I step into that turned my wife, who was hot who had sex with me, who liked to go out with me at night into some earth mother, world-record-setting breast feeder? And now you want to leave your kids with some non-English speaking nanny for a hundred hours a week so you can live out your ER fantasy life? Be my guest.
But it's not my problem that you're not good enough to get hired anywhere in the entire state.
Denny did you hire that P.
I.
Yet? I asked you a question.
Truth be told, my relationship with this firm hangs in the balance.
- Uh, Ernie, why don't we step into my office? - I'm talking to Denny.
All right, Ernie.
Truth time.
My office.
This is not gonna be easy for you to hear, but it needs to be said.
I don't give a damn who slept with your wife.
Neither do you really.
You don't love her.
This is an ego thing.
She's a trophy girl.
Something for your friends to admire.
- Maybe you should be flattered.
- I'm not I'm talking! Ego, Ernie.
You acquire fast cars and young wives to try and stay young yourself in the hope of confusing youth with relevance.
Well, here's a flash for you.
We're all desperate to be relevant.
You're 76 years old.
Want to feel you still mean something? Move to Florida, punch a chad, screw up an election.
Don't go looking for affirmation between the two artificial jugs of a woman who married you for Gee, could it be your outstanding sense of humor? Take a swing if you want to, if it makes you feel better.
The guardian ad litem acknowledged in her report in the last year, Mr.
Calder took custody of the boys only one weekend a month.
Mr.
Calder has been steeped in a major work crisis at his company.
I don't care ifhe's been dismantling a nuclear weapon.
The fact is he hasn't been there.
There's no doubt that my client is, in practice, the primary custodian.
This woman is struggling to make a life for a family What? She can't make it in the Commonwealth? She'd love to, but the offer comes from New York.
My client has made every sacrifice.
That's what parents do, Mr.
Chase.
You have kids, you make sacrifices.
They got married here.
They had children here.
Mr.
Calder, as fathers go I consider you a disgrace.
Ms.
Brant, there is a reason for this policy.
We don't like angry spouses yanking kids across state lines.
It's an undue burden on the family unit.
Accordingly, your plan to relocate with your sons remains enjoined.
- What now? - I don't know.
I, uh I guess that didn't go too well.
Thank you.
That was That was great.
Sarah, that was magnificent.
But the other little girl was quite good too.
And given the discretion that has to be allowed to producers in these situations Your Honor, we have something called the Equal Protection Clause.
We have something called the 14th Amendment.
I believe it's actually required reading for judges.
I could be wrong there.
Could I be heard, Your Honor? I heard about this matter.
I would like to address this court on what I consider I'm sorry, Reverend, but you have no standing here.
I have standing as an American citizen speaking up on a civil rights violation.
- Rev.
Sharpton, I will ask you - I have standing as Bobby Kennedy had standing - You have no standing.
- On the steps of the courthouse in Alabama! No one is denying this little girl an education, sir.
She just can't play Annie.
You may think this is a small matter.
But this is no small matter.
This child is being denied the right to play an American icon because she doesn't match the description.
Those descriptions were crafted 50 years ago! We're supposed to be in a different day! - Reverend - You talk about racial equality, how we're making progress.
The problem with that progress is it's always a day away.
Tomorrow, tomorrow you love that because it's always a day away.
I'm here to stick out my chin today! Today! Give us an African-American Spider-Man! Give us a black that can run faster than a speeding bullet and leap over tall buildings in a single bound.
Not tomorrow today! Today! The sun needs to come out today! Not tomorrow, Your Honor! God almighty.
Give the American people a black Orphan Annie.
It's just not good enough to say she doesn't look the part.
That's what we call a rabbit, son.
Denny Crane.
What if we file a T.
R.
O.
In federal court on behalf of the kids? - On what grounds? - I don't know.
They've been denied a right to interstate travel.
It's dubious.
But I like your thinking.
Come here for a second.
Look I just I just need to know.
Sally.
- Brad.
- Alan.
The deadbeat doesn't even see his kids, doesn't know them and he's using them as weapons to destroy his ex-wife and them.
And that's why you were so upset? The case? It's a little hard, okay? L I prefer him in D.
C.
Mm-hmm.
Do you think I should start working out with weights? Maybe do some calisthenics? - I'm trying to, like, express - You still like him? Well, what context are you asking as, Alan? I mean, are you asking as like a boyfriend or - I'm not allowed to ask questions? - Am I? About Tara? What about Tara? Nothing.
Anyway, he left.
I got very depressed, drank a lot, hit on too many boys.
Until I met this one boy man Distinguished.
And now I just Okay.
How small is the town of Boston? - What? - The dirtbag is right over there.
Bradley? The ex-husband.
Really trying to strengthen that family unit.
- What are you doing? - I just need to use your thingy for a second.
Can we get outta here? I don't I don't wanna look at that pig.
Okay.
We're off.
I told him we're all desperate to be relevant.
- Were you able to dissuade him? - I think so.
Denny, do you think you were talking about yourself a little? You feeling a little desperate to be relevant lately? Don't waste your time trying to get in my head.
There's nothing there.
They're not going to take the firm from you.
First, Paul Lewiston could never get the votes.
Second, he wouldn't want to.
The man loves you.
I'm not worried, Lori.
Do I look worried? Yeah.
Look out there.
My domain.
My city.
I'm Denny Crane.
Sir, if I couldjust get your name, I would be happy to buzz Mr.
Calder.
You're very kind.
But, look, I'm already here.
There's a meeting in progress, and I've been instructed not to disturb him.
Hello, Matthew.
Shame.
Quite hoping to interrupt something tawdry.
I'm Alan Shore.
Your colleague and I just met.
But we seem to share a proclivity for exotic women and illicit behavior.
Can I steal you a second? - What's going on? - I'll keep it quick.
These are for you.
Photos.
Snapshots really.
Some delightful little business between you and a hooker.
A friend of mine actually.
I earn frequent-flyer miles.
She's a lovely woman.
I arranged for her to seek you out at the bar.
I particularly like that one, don't you? Gives your bottom a nice aura.
Here's the deal.
Sharon and the kids get to go to New York or I start printing copies.
Is that powdered sugar, by the way that you're snorting off her magnificent porcelain breasts? You are a lawyer in a prestigious law firm for God's sake.
I know.
Awful.
I hate to extort and run but I'm afraid I'll need an answer on this now.
Tara, I need to apologize.
I know how degrading that had to be with Ernie.
And Not at all.
In fact, I slept with him last night.
- Anything for the team.
- I suppose I deserve that.
This wasn't so much for the team as it is for Denny.
- There's some stuff going on - What stuff? Denny, I need another moment.
I was thinking how right you are not to hire a private investigator.
I thank you for your counsel.
After all, it's possible that I might learn something that could upset me even further.
I hadn't considered that.
Did you consider that, Denny? Ernie, I don't have time to consider all the things I have to consider.
Mm-hmm.
Can we sit? Oh, please.
See, the thing is, fool that I am I went out and hired a P.
I.
On my own.
And guess what I found out, Denny.
I'm not sure, Ernie.
But you need to know that I'm billing you for all these rhetorical questions.
My own lawyer my friend with my wife.
Gee, Denny Crane is silent.
Talk to me about my quest for relevance, Denny.
Tell me about my ego.
Come up with one last profound thing to say before I pull this trigger! Come on, Denny, talk.
I want to hear what the great Denny Crane has to say now.
First off clients come in here all the time wanting to shoot me.
You know what I tell them? Go ahead.
The worst thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip.
One day you wake up and you're "less than.
" And for me I'm a legend, Ernie.
I'm folklore in this town.
Lawyers have feared me for years.
For Denny Crane to slip, it would diminish my legacy.
It would be a tragedy.
Denny Crane has to go out big, page one of the Globe New York Times even.
Do me a favor, Ernie.
Pull the trigger.
Immortalize the legend.
Pull the trigger.
I don't ever want to be "less than.
" Don't let me become irrelevant.
Pull it! Okay.
But before I do, don't you at least want to apologize? I do.
I'm sorry, my friend.
I'm truly sorry.
Ernie, uh That gun I bought it for you, remember.
It's a starter pistol, Ernie.
It's a controversy.
That's what Al Sharpton does.
And he does it well.
He doesn't just make noise.
He lights and carries a torch of racial controversy.
- Mr.
Shore - Which you know.
Which is why you're here.
We need to put this one out, good people.
Controversy is bad business for musicals.
Your production will open and close faster than you can say "Trent Lott.
" I assume you've come with a proposal.
Let's have it.
Sarah? Okay.
We'll offer you the role of understudy on weekends.
- Plus three matinees a month.
- Done.
Sarah? - He pulled a gun on him.
- Mm-hmm.
It only shot blanks, but, yeah.
Drama's over.
How does it feel being back? It's all right.
Let me ask you a question.
I'd appreciate an honest answer.
Okay.
Do you think I talk too fast? Um Sometimes you're a little brisk.
I think it's good business practice, not to mention good business ethics.
We charge by the hour.
Our clients pay for the time that we spend talking.
As attorneys, we have an obligation not to overbill our clients.
If I talk fast, it's just because I feel Ethically bound.
- He makes fun of me.
- I'm sorry? Shore.
He thinks I'm a Ken doll.
No, it's not right.
He calls me a Ken doll while he Plays with your Barbie? Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Sharon.
I just I just came to say thank you.
Not that I agree with your tactics.
But what this means to me and and my children Well, thank you so much.
I will never forget this.
Remember that book, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Yes.
Is there a point? Or did you just want to know if I'd read it? There you go again, always looking for a point.
Matthew Calder just agreed to let his wife move with their children.
Fantastic.
You got pictures of him with a hooker.
You blackmailed him.
- You make it sound unsavory.
- Listen to me.
I know how you practice law.
I don't practice law like that.
It was a rabbit.
Well, really a bunny.
Marines don't like bunnies? You know the only reason I don't report you to the Bar Is because Sharon might not be able to go to New York with her children which, shockingly, is more important than our combined ethical egos.
You know what, sport? You and I now officially have a relationship.
Great.
Perhaps we can get together and do a couple of push-ups sport.
Hooker rabbits.
I love it.
You know, you never answered my question the other night.
Which was? Are you scared? The only thing to be scared of, son, is tomorrow.
I don't live for tomorrow.
Never saw the fun in it.
Denny Crane.
What was that? Nothing.
Here's to no tomorrows.