Boyster (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 This is a story of an extraordinary oyster.
Born from a toxic spill, he was adopted by humans with his shell brother.
And now, he must hide his secret oyster powers.
[theme music plays.]
[Boyster.]
Boyster! [male narrator.]
The coral reef.
A kaleidoscope of colors a true underwater paradise, tarnished only by one thing: the mollusk.
[growls.]
[all scream in disgust.]
- What is that? Ugh! - Looks like someone barfed on a booger.
[laughs.]
[male narrator.]
Disgustingly, it eats by turning its stomach inside out.
[all groan.]
[male narrator.]
It really is the grossest creature - in the ocean.
- The ocean? I've swam in that! [moaning.]
[narrator.]
When nervous, the mollusk secretes a foul-smelling fluid.
Oh, I can almost smell it! [boy.]
It's coming from Boyster! Boyster's a mollusk! [all screaming.]
Boyster Likowski, this court finds you guilty of being totally gross! I hereby sentence you to get your briny butt out of my city! [gavel bangs.]
Get him! [panting.]
Purge him with lemon juice! [screaming.]
Huh? I sure hate those mollusks.
[Boyster sobbing.]
Boyster, not to be indelicate, but your histrionics are ruining this episode of Are You Smarter Than a Corkboard? How can you think about TV when there are people out there just waiting to purge me with lemons? - Hm? - Oh, come on.
So you're part mollusk.
Big whoop! You're also part dude.
You've got arms and legs, and you never do that weird thing with your stomach [vomiting.]
Hey! I didn't know they were serving pizza today.
Guys, please! This lady's about to win some new luggage! I know how to take your mind off your troubles.
[growling sound.]
Koalagator Two! "So cute.
So deadly!" [roaring.]
Is it a movie about a mutant hybrid who terrifies everybody and must be destroyed? In 3-D! If we hurry we can make the four o'clock.
Hello! Mutant hybrid? I'm not going to that! OK.
Guess I'll make that one ticket.
And I've completely lost the thread of my show.
Thank you very much.
You have saved our planet once again, Spidodude.
A grateful world thanks you with this gift card for a free cappuccino.
Oh! Oh! Spidodude 12: The Adventure Begins.
No talking! It's the heart-rending dénouement.
The time has come to show the world my true face! [rubber snaps.]
[all gasp.]
[gurgling.]
[cheering, applause.]
[grunts.]
[camera shutters clicking.]
[sobbing.]
Spidodude is the man.
Everybody loves him even if he is a drooling monster.
- [Spidodude sneezes.]
Sorry.
- Please, it's an honor! It's Superhero Rule 105: "No one cares how disgusting you are if you save the planet.
" So people hate mollusks, but maybe they'll love Mollusk Man! [tooth dings.]
Boyster, Superhero Rule 803 clearly states: "Becoming a superhero without sufficient training always ends in disaster and severe personal injury.
" Superheroes don't follow rules! Dah-dah-dah! [needle scratches record.]
[screams.]
[crashing.]
What about the rule that you can't fly without me? [weakly.]
Yeah, I probably need to follow that one.
It's Mollusk Man and his trusty sidekick, Super Shell! These trunks are clean, right? Look! Someone in danger! [sobbing.]
Oh, oh.
Oh! [gulping, spitting.]
[crackling.]
Ooh! Oh [laughs.]
[alarm ringing.]
[Boyster whistles.]
Huh? [punches landing.]
[screaming.]
[male voice.]
Hey! There he is! Look! Your legions of screaming fans! [crowd shouting.]
Whoo! This plan was genius! No one will be hating on oysters now! Come on! [needle scratches record.]
[thuds.]
Greetings, citizens.
I am Mollusk Man.
The time has come to show the world my true Hey! [all.]
Boo! Why are you booing me? Because we ran out of stuff to throw.
And your superheroing ain't worth spit! [beeping.]
[whimpering.]
[raccoons growling.]
[screams.]
[crashing.]
Cut! Thanks a lot, clam face! You just cost us two million dollars! [water gurgling.]
[crashing.]
- Oh, that's not good.
- Wait till you see the remix.
[video game music plays.]
[zapping.]
[all laughing.]
Look on the bright side.
We managed to perfectly synchronize our failure with my television schedule.
And just in time for Are You Smarter Than a Jackhammer? [TV turns on.]
I'll be in here.
And I'm not taking visitors.
- Boyster? - He's not taking visitors.
Don't feel bad.
Sure, everybody hates you now, but trust me.
As soon as they're attacked by a giant mutant rabbit or whatever, they'll be all like, "Oh, Mollusk Man! Save us!" That's it! [spits.]
I see what we did wrong! We disregarded Superhero Rule number one: "Every superhero needs a super villain.
" - Would you - Be your super villain? I'd be super honored! You're gonna be the most vile criminal ever! Oh, thanks! I promise to completely destroy you.
And I'll turn the tables on you and tear you to shreds! Not before I grind you into a fine paste! - You're the best! - I know.
[crashing.]
[roaring.]
[male narrator.]
Koalagator Two.
Ha-ha-ha! Prepare to meet your doom, pathetic humans! I am the Dark Bunny! And I am here to - Uh, what's my line? - To siphon the electricity from the movie theater to power my nuclear rocket teeth, so I may plunge your city into atomic Armageddon! I am here to destroy the city! And the world! So no premiere! [all screaming.]
Ha-ha-ha! [zapping.]
[all shouting.]
Mollusk Man is here! Hey, Rabbit, stew on this! [stomach growls, spits.]
[grunts.]
Luckily, I am a black belt in carrot-tay! [grunts.]
Not my ears! They're the source of all my power! [babbling.]
[zapping.]
[cheering.]
[woman.]
Mollusk Man! [laughs.]
Now the time has really come to show the world my true [grunts.]
Ha-ha-ha! What's this? He's back! What're you doing? We're supposed to be done.
Actually, Rafik is taking the appropriate action.
The super villain always unexpectedly rises again.
It's Rule 107.
OK.
Then try this on for size.
The clam-a-pult! [shouting.]
Ahh! [all gasping, shouting.]
[air hissing.]
Whoa! Whoa! - Get me off of this thing! - Don't worry! I'll spit out my stomach! Grab onto it! [gurgling.]
Uh, you know what? I'm good.
Ahh! [both screaming.]
No pilot! [screams.]
Seven bucks for one oyster? That's outrageous! I take it back.
[straining.]
[Rafik.]
Boyster! Help! [gasps.]
Rafik! [screams.]
[gasps.]
I know.
Styling, right? Grab my hand! [straining.]
- Yes! - Hang on! [straining.]
[both screaming.]
Wow.
We made it.
I was sure we were going to get [crashing.]
hurt.
Ah! [groaning.]
[crowd cheering.]
[chanting.]
Mollusk Man! Mollusk Man! Mollusk Man! Finally, I can show the world my true face! [electrical zapping.]
[crowd shouting, booing.]
Or just hide till it all blows over.
[video game music plays.]
[whimpering.]
[banging.]
Boyster, come out! I'm sure nobody saw it.
[giggling.]
Do you think Mollusk Man looks a little like Boyster? Nah, Boyster's way cuter.
You hear that? Alicia thinks I'm cute! Hey, ladies! What about that rabbit? Don't you think I look a bit like him but way cuter? Hurry up, Shelby.
We're going to be late.
Whose fault is that? I wasn't the one who spent two hours in the bathroom.
Hey, this is a big event.
I had to get my hair just right.
Look out! [all scream.]
[screaming.]
[continue screaming.]
[Shelby.]
I'm fine! [chuckles.]
You're like my own personal airbag.
[muffled.]
Get off me.
Rafik, look! Didn't Alicia say she wanted a small, quiet party? [Rafik.]
Ah! I've never seen so much pink.
It's burning my eyes! [pop music plays.]
Oh, this is really, uh Beautiful! It's exactly what I I mean, Alicia wanted.
[beeping.]
One of the cheaper items on the list, but OK.
Next! [panting.]
Oh, good.
She's still opening gifts.
I hope she likes mine.
Better make sure it survived the crash.
[gasps.]
Whew! It's OK.
Get out of the way, twerp! - [chuckles.]
Talk about ugly! - It's not ugly.
It's "Macaroni Alicia.
" I spent weeks making it.
I was talking about you.
[all laugh.]
Really, Boyster? That's your gift for Alicia? Uh, because she's going to love it.
[nervous chuckle.]
- It doesn't even look like her.
- And it's cheap.
- And it's so little.
- And it's not on the wish list.
Mine is.
Guys! [all.]
Ooh! A princess like Alicia deserves the biggest and the best.
[whimpers.]
[Boyster.]
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
I don't think another food sculpture is going to cut it here, Boyster.
I'm not making a sculpture.
I'm trying to make a decent gift.
I need calcium.
[chews.]
Lots of calcium.
Oh! Using the old oyster powers.
[chuckles.]
Good thinking.
Ooh! Ten gallons of blueberry yogurt.
That enough calcium for you? [gulping.]
[both.]
Yeah! I love it! I love it, I love it! [gasps.]
Oh! Well done, Ozzy.
You are truly the king of gifts! Hey, Alicia.
Sorry, I'm late.
I hope you like your present.
- Oh! - [laughs.]
What's that? Something you found in a dumpster? [Alicia.]
Whoa! [rapid beeping.]
[fizzling.]
Oh, Boyster this is amazing! - But I can't accept it.
- Oh, yes you can.
One should never refuse such an expensive - I mean, thoughtful gift.
- We have a new king! [cheering.]
Here's to the king.
Hey, Bernie.
Some brat stole a tub of yogurt from the pantry.
Well, the joke's on him.
It's totally rancid.
[spits.]
[Alicia.]
Daddy? [bubbling.]
Wh What's happening? [all gasping.]
[crackling.]
[all gasp.]
[popping.]
Run for your lives! [all shouting.]
[gags.]
Daddy! What's happening to me? Pee-ew! It stinks like rotting fish.
I told you.
It came from a dumpster.
It's all Boyster's fault! [whimpering.]
[whimpering.]
Ahh! [father.]
Go back to the dumpster you crawled out of, and never set foot in this house again! - Boyster! What happened? - I messed up.
I turned Alicia into a human blueberry.
Relax.
I'm sure it's curable.
- Ah - Incurable.
Next! Ew! [hooting.]
[heavy breathing.]
[screaming.]
[sobbing.]
At least you still love me, Vanilla.
Come and give me a hug.
[meows.]
[knocking.]
[gasps.]
Alicia, you got to forgive me.
I didn't mean to - Ugh! - Whoa! [screams.]
[crashing.]
So? Is all forgiven? Not exactly.
[Rafik.]
Come on, man.
It's not the end of the world.
OK, so you turned the girl you like into a blue monster and now she hates your guts.
But look on the bright side.
One: You scarfed ten gallons of rancid yogurt, you didn't get sick.
And two: Alicia won't need a Halloween costume.
And three: My best friend is a jerk.
Oh dude, I'm only trying to help.
If you really want to help me, find a cure for Alicia.
I'm a step ahead of you, gentlemen.
I may have already found the cure.
It's really quite simple.
The unexpected absorption of an adulterated milk product has provoked a chemical reaction, which has resulted in RNS: Rotten Necklace Syndrome.
Defined by the following simple equation.
A: Alicia plus necklace equals weird blue complexion.
B: Boyster plus necklace equals same old Boyster.
Conclusion: Boyster possesses a natural immunity to RNS thanks to his MAB: mutant antibodies.
Primarily situated in his lachrymal glands.
QED.
[high-pitched feedback.]
Could you repeat after "quite simple"? Wait.
I think I get it.
The cure is inside me.
Precisely.
In order to be cured, Alicia must simply drink your tears.
No problemo.
How many tears? According to my calculations, all we need is 12 bottles.
[sobbing.]
[sobbing loudly.]
[TV announcer.]
Goal! It's Pygmies 52, Ocean Rangers zero.
What a humiliation for the Rangers and their fans! [sobbing.]
Yeah! We did it! How are your eyes? They sting a little.
Ooh, what do you think would happen if I moved this one? Rafik, no! We need all of it.
Actually, I may have miscalculated slightly.
Upon further study, it appears we don't need 12 bottles, rather we only need one-twelfth of a bottle.
- What?! That's all?! - [Shelby.]
Sorry.
So you're saying we don't need all of it? You made me cry my eyes out when we only needed a few drops?! [groaning.]
Yep, I'm dry.
[glass shatters.]
Oh, so that's what happens.
- OK, let's go cure Alicia.
- Good luck getting past her dad.
I think it's time for Operation Infiltration.
Thank you, Rafik.
These choccies look expensive.
We'll have to give them to Alicia later.
She won't come out of her room.
It's so tragic.
What billionaire will ever marry a bloated blue blimp?! [sobbing, chewing.]
Be strong, snookums.
We can always settle for a millionaire.
[doorbell rings.]
You two take a load off.
I'll get it.
- What do you think? - I'd never know it's you.
[sniffs.]
If I didn't smell the rotting fish.
I can't help it.
This robe is really hot.
OK.
Just don't raise your arms.
[chuckles.]
[Boyster.]
I am Doctor Momo, witchdoctor to the stars.
Healer of Lost Causes.
I can save your daughter.
How? The best doctors money can buy have tried and failed.
[yells.]
It's hopeless! I don't have time for con men.
Out! [thunder crashes.]
Let me take out the trash for you, big guy.
You heard the man.
Hit the road, pal.
What's happening to me?! Oh, the agony! Doctor Momo does not like your attitude.
He can heal the pain, but he can also bring the pain.
[evil laugh.]
So? Impressed? Eh? [both.]
Hmm [screams in pain.]
[screams in pain.]
[screams start and stop.]
- I'll do it for free! - [both.]
It's a deal! - Yes! - Just a few drops of my special elixir will turn your little beast into a beauty.
[sniffs.]
[yowling.]
[yells.]
- You! - I was just leaving! Ah! You tricked us! I'm gonna [meowing.]
- Ah! - The antidote! My Italian shoes! [meowing.]
[screaming.]
Come on, dude! Time to bail.
[groaning.]
[Alicia sobbing.]
[music plays over headphones.]
[bang.]
[panting.]
You again? - [father.]
Open this door! Now! - Alicia! I'm really sorry for what happened! I know what it's like to feel like a freak not that you're a freak.
No! I spent weeks making that! Really? Is that me? - It actually looks like me.
- I'm glad you like it.
Well, "like" is a strong word.
But it's not bad.
[father yelling.]
[Boyster yelling.]
[both.]
No! [squelching sound.]
[high-pitched feedback.]
Alicia! Your face! I'm cured! It worked! No need to thank me.
- Blue Spot Disease! - No, it's just [yelling.]
[father.]
And stay out! [rustling.]
So? Is Alicia cured? Yeah.
And all it took was a little Boyster drool.
A-ha! My theory was correct.
Your mutant antibodies cured Alicia, but instead of tears, the acting agent was saliva.
Grosser, yes, but just as effective.
QED! I didn't drool, I kissed her.
- Yeah, on her ear.
- [chuckles.]
Still counts.