Brassic (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Chucking yourself off, Vinnie? You don't wanna jump off there.
Not high enough.
You'll just bugger your legs up.
Yeah, all right.
Thanks, Ralph.
I'll bear that in my mind, mate.
Tower block.
That's what you need.
Or a fast-moving train.
See you, son.
Or not.
Come on, then! Come on! # The best things in life are free # But you can give them to the birds and bees # I need money 'Fuck the middle class.
Fuck The Guardian.
Fuck three holidays a year, and drinking red wine, talking bollocks at dinner parties.
Fuck quinoa and keenwa.
Fuck scented candles.
You can fuck your people carriers and your posh kids called Tilly and Tarquin.
Fuck moisturiser, fuck vitamins.
Fuck lacrosse, and bloody tennis and 18 holes on a fucking Sunday.
They call us Blair's forgotten youth.
Kids that grow up in a town that offered nothing.
No opportunities, no prospects, no hope.
But what they'll never understand is this, we're not victims.
We just have a different way of living.
It's about having your mates, man.
Having a laugh, and just finding a way to survive.
' Tell me it's not looking thinner.
I can't tell.
You can't tell if you don't look properly, Dylan.
It's fine.
See what I mean? You're not even looking.
What? I looked.
Didn't I look? You were gazing! You are bloody glancing at him.
What's less than a glance? A peek or a glimpse.
A glimpse? You're glimpsing! Right, look properly.
Check it out, see? You're a bitfollicly challenged.
Fucking follicly challenged? Watch out! Oh, shit.
What was that? A pheasant.
Where is it? I don't know.
It's wedged in the fucking grille.
That's not a pheasant.
It's a chicken.
Why would a chicken be roaming free, not a pheasant? Why wouldn't it? It's a chicken, dude.
You can tell it's a chicken.
Look at the plumage.
Fuck the plumage! I cannot go bald.
They're gaining.
They're not gaining.
We'll lose 'em through Jim's field.
# That's what I want # Give me money # I want the money All I need, yeah Morning, lads! Morning! Morning, Jim.
Early start, isn't it? Yeah, listen.
If the cops turn up, you haven't seen us.
Lie to the police? That's perjury, that is.
That's perverting the course of justice.
I don't know what it is, but it's something.
Just piss off.
We're gonna go and have a look at plants, keep our heads down.
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
There's a job I need done.
What job? Shetland pony.
Yeah, you might need to elaborate.
And fast, yeah? I need one stolen, so I can enter the Royal Lancs Show this weekend.
Why would you wanna do that? There's a big purse on it.
"Purse"? A fucking prize! Whatever! Purse! Who are you? Robin of Loxley? We haven't got time for this, Jim.
Fine.
Get all your weed plants off my farm and your nicked wheels out of my chicken shed.
Him, next door, Goldilocks.
He's got himself a beaut.
A mane like silk.
It's got to be better, Vin.
That all this is? One-upmanship? Fucking Vaslowsky? He shouldn't even be here any more! I voted Leave, and that cunt's just bought a nice big baler! A fucking Shetland pony! We'll get one! Christ almighty.
Let's get the fucking hell away.
He's a horrible little man! Get in, guys! Go! Go on! Hurry! Ow! My fucking hand! You've done that three times this week! # Lying in the floor I look up at the ceiling I must be dreaming 'These are my guys.
That's Dylan.
He's been my best mate since schooling.
We bonded over ganja and hip-hop.
Ashley Dennings, and Leslie Tick, AKA Cardi.
Cardi being short for Cardiac Arrest.
He's fucking damn near useless, but we love the daft git.
Ashley's the complete opposite.
He comes from a travelling family.
He can switch to extreme violence at a moment's notice, which makes him handy to have around, really.
' Fucking Shetland pony.
'And that's me.
Vincent O'Neill.
They say I've got bipolar.
I live in a shack in the woods, and if that wasn't bad enough, I'm going bald an' all.
' Where do I find one of them? I've got the day from hell and now I've got to find a tiny horse? I know.
Ash.
If your mind has just gone "Ash, gypsy blood, horses," that's pretty much racism.
All right.
But do you know where to find one, though? Course I do.
Brilliant.
Right, well, take him then.
I'm working! Fucking take him, then.
Where are you in all of this? I've just said I've got the day from hell! I've got a million things I'm asking you to do one thing.
I've got a million things! A million things! Bollocks! I need to get this car to JJ.
I've gotta go to the bloody doctor's.
The last thing I need to do is steal a miniature horse.
Ralph Roberts said he saw him on a bridge, contemplating.
Shit.
Oh, crap! What is it? I think he's getting his arse out again.
Christ.
Let me have a look.
Have a look down there.
He IS getting his arse out again.
Why does he do this, man? He's got the world's worst arse.
JJ! It's the wrong bleedin' car! Huh? It's the right colour and style, but the wrong year! You're gonna have to unsteal this.
'JJ.
Jehan Jovani.
Legitimate mechanic, but has a side line in stolen motors.
' This is bullshit, Vin.
Why the fuck is there a dead pheasant attached to it? Thank you.
Pheasant.
It's a chicken.
It isn't.
Oh, come on.
It's a chicken.
Dude, it's a pheasant! It's a chicken! No, no! Stop, stop! I'll unsteal it.
It'll have to be later.
Not later, Vinnie.
Now.
This can't stay here.
I can't get caught with this here.
Put a cover over it.
I've gotta be somewhere.
One hour.
Please, dude, one hour.
You're an angel.
While you've got your wings on, and don't get cross, need to borrow a van.
What kind of van? Any kind.
As long as it's big enough to fit, say, a kind of a what d'you call it? Medium-sized horse.
Are you fucking kidding me? Right, well, it's that or nothing.
Come on.
Come on! Bacon? You've been cooking? Yeah, I'm starving.
What have you been told about red meat? It's a meat with mammal's meat Right, no more Ms.
Besides, Nigel likes it.
Nigel? What the fuck have you brought a pigeon for? His sister died.
She got decapitated in the folding deck chair.
Thought it were best he wasn't on his own.
So, what's the plan? Where are we gonna lift it from? There's a school up in Rybrook.
It's a posh place.
Just up the hill, there's a stable with not one, but two Shetland ponies.
OK, but how are we gonna get it to go with us? Well, we'll need to find a rein.
Have you ever tried to get a horse to do something against its will? No, but I bet you have.
You're gonna call me a genius.
Bet you I don't.
Chloroform.
Chlo Chloroform? I bought it down the pub a few weeks back.
It was really cheap.
You get this on a rag, over its hooter, down it goes.
That's genius.
Put the chloroform away.
But I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Don't you dare come.
I still haven't.
All right, finish on my tits.
Yeah, all right.
'That's Erin.
Used to be a wild child.
Shagging around, landed with a kid.
Since then, she's really pulled herself together.
These days, she's a woman with a plan.
' Half three, infants' gate, yeah? Yeah.
Hey! You can't forget, Dylan.
Why would I forget? Because you'll meet up wi' Vinnie, get stoned, the usual.
I won't forget.
It's careers night tonight.
I'm gonna ask them about opportunities.
It's gonna happen, Dylan.
As soon as I'm qualified, I'm applying for jobs and looking for schools.
Yeah.
All right.
I won't be back till late, OK? Bye-bye.
Love you.
Right, he's gonna need, bath, story, and bed, yeah? Yeah.
Bye.
Where's the car, Vinnie? What car, Slater? The one you nicked this morning.
You've got the wrong man.
I'm surprised you're out so early.
I thought you'd be balls deep in a dog somewhere by now.
Small-time now, Vin.
But small-time leads to medium-time, and medium time, inevitably, gets drawn into the big-time.
And once you get involved with them fuckers, you're gonna wish you got a job down at the fish counter at Morrisons.
I applied for that job.
They were looking for someone with muscles.
Fuck off, Slater.
Dick.
What have you done this time? Oh, nothing, but I'm sure they'll think of summat.
All clear? All clear.
Right, there's two of them.
One blonde, and one white and ginger.
Which one screams prize winner? The one with the biggest cock.
Right, so Who wants a little treat? I know I've got a good life.
I've got good mates, and it's not like shit's going wrong all the time.
I just I just can't turn my mind off.
It just runs and runs and runs, and never stops, man.
You know, one minute I'm down in the dumps, I can barely get meself out of bed.
Next minute, I'm fucking up, wild as fuck, making stupid decisions that affect everyone, not just me.
You know, I do I do think about hurting meself.
You know, I have suicidal thoughts.
It doesn't mean I'm bloody suicidal, though, does it? I just have the thoughts.
Christ, I was on a bridge last Friday! Ralph Roberts thought I was tossing meself off.
Throwing meself off.
But what I'm trying to say is, for as often as I think about suicide, I could never ever do it.
It scares the shit out of me.
And then there's me mates.
I don't know what they Am I keeping you from something? Sorry, no.
It's just, erm, a personal issue.
Erm So you're on quetiapine? Mm-hm.
It helping? It doesn't help my libido.
Can be barely bothered to rub one out, never mind get wi' anyone.
Well, what do you want me to do, Vin? I don't know.
You're the doctor, aren't you? Well, you can try counselling.
Cognitive behavioural therapy.
There's a five-month waiting list for that.
Unless you're prepared to pay.
Pay? What? You mean, go private? I don't have that kind of money, man.
I Give me that phone.
No.
Get off.
"Netlover.
Amy, 35.
" I'm pouring my heart out.
You're on a dating app, netting lovers.
Have you tried it? It's unbelievable.
Honestly, it's changed my life.
Look at this.
This girl the other day, she was feral.
Look at her.
Oh, she looks nice.
My todger looks like a dog's been at it.
Look at that.
What? Bloody hell! Come on, man! That looks really sore.
And this, that's me.
What happened? Did it bolt? Bolt? No, it's in the van.
In the van? I offered it a chocolate mouse, and it just climbed in the back.
It's a dumb animal.
Can I have one? Going Up The Country # I'm going up the country # Tell me where you want to go I still say we should have chloroformed it.
Look, it's in the van.
Yeah, but look at Oh, God.
What's that? Has it shat itself? Well, it's a horse.
That's what horses do.
Oh, you dirty Nigel! What the fuck is One hour after work.
Tommo, mate, I can't.
I've got Erin's kid.
Bring him along.
Bring him along? To help you fit a sex swing in a spooky basement? Hey.
Hey.
'Tommo.
Handsome, crafty, unhinged.
You wouldn't want him hanging out He's had chlamydia more often than he's had hot dinners.
' It's an erotic dungeon.
It's not an erotic dungeon.
Hasn't it got lice? Hang on.
What time you got him till? All night.
Why? Er, are you not forgetting summat? Poker match, upstairs 7:30.
Count me out.
Count you out? It's free money, mate.
It's mine and Vinnie's money.
Anyway, it's arranged.
Sandy'll look after him, won't you, Sandy? What's that? Babysit Tyler tonight for Dylan.
Boys, you know I would, if I could.
Dylan! Dylan? Dylan.
'Eh up, Tommo.
Have you heard from Ash or Cardi? Radio silence.
Where are they? I've tried them 100 times.
Probably bumming.
Yeah.
They'll be bumming, won't they? Knobhead.
They've been gone hours.
Yeah, I should've done this job meself.
I don't know why I trust them.
Dude, just get your stuff together.
I'm here till three, then I've gotta go pick up Tyler from school.
Not any more you're not.
Hang on a second, D.
Kath, love.
You all right, Vin? Yeah, all right, love.
I just wonder, can I borrow Dildo for a couple of hours? Why do you need him? Because I've just lost two idiots I sent to steal a Shetland pony.
Well, as long as it's something important.
You got your car? Yep.
Oh, you're an angel, dude.
If you'll help me fit a sex swing in my dungeon.
Every fucker wants something! Often, the same products are available throughout the world.
So, if part of the reason for travel is to explore the unique and different, well, then the sameness factor is a major tourism challenge.
In a globalised marketplace It's just a drink.
Got a boyfriend.
One drink.
Got a son as well.
A son? Yep.
You don't look old enough.
Smooth.
No, seriously, you don't.
How old? Five, wasn't planned.
But he's the best mistake I ever made.
Right.
Put you off, does it? No.
Well, it should.
Every decision I make has got one purpose, and that's to give him a better life.
And your boyfriend, does he fit into that? Dylan? I'm afraid so.
This school, is this the one that Ash's fella taught at? Yeah.
Poor bastard.
Cranial trauma.
Reckon he'll never teach again.
Yeah, fucking animals this family.
I mean, come on.
Who gives a shit where anyone sticks their dick any more? Know what I mean? Mm.
I have businessmen, barristers, brigadiers come to my place.
Some want spanking, some want taking up the shitter, I had a lovely fellow who wanted me to lick some custard off his nuts.
Fair do's.
No.
Point being, we're mammals.
Yeah.
Creatures with urges.
Whether it's assholes, fannies, or, you know, some granny's gummy cakehole.
Ugh! Dicks are gonna go in soft warm holes.
End of.
You're an ambassador for a more tolerant society, Tom.
Christ almighty.
Do a left here, will you? Right, yeah.
Oh, bollocks.
They haven't even took it.
Maybe they found one somewhere else.
Like where? The cereal aisle at Aldi? Christ.
Erm, all right.
Sod it.
Wait a minute, Vin.
Vin, you're not being rational.
Vin! How are you gonna get it back to Jim's? Back seat.
You can walk.
No, I'm picking up Tyler.
Fucking hell.
Come on, you silly sod.
Don't fucking frighten it.
Come on, then.
What? Insane in the Brain Oi! Fucking hell! Jesus! Jesus! Are you trying to kill us? Vinnie! Vinnie! No, no, no.
Hey, what the hell are you Vinnie! Hey, Vin, you can leave the fucking horse.
He's not fucking about! Vin! Leave it! Fuck! What is he doing? Fuck me! Oh, hey.
Now we're living.
Nearly killed us! He was aiming to miss.
You prick! Oh, don't be grumpy.
Hey, Dyl.
Dylan! Don't be cross.
Sex swing.
All right.
Come on, come on, fuck's sake.
You seeing anyone? Me? Christ, no.
You know what I'm like.
Can't inflict this on anyone.
They're hardly queueing up for a bipolar thief that lives in the woods.
Do you want me to sort you out a paid-for? So you can empty your sack? That's a lovely offer, Tom.
But I've no libido.
How's business? Oh, booming, yeah.
Is it? They're all getting into that space stocking now.
What, to take up the carpet? No.
Tyler Croft.
Yeah.
Croft.
Sorry, yeah, the reception is bad.
You know, I'm in the hills, erm Croft! Yeah, I'm collecting him, but I'm running late.
Can you tell his teacher I'll be there as Fuck! Fuck down straight to the school.
Chill out, Anakin Skywalker.
He's five.
They're not gonna toss him out on his own.
They'll ring Erin.
Then she'll know I've done the thing she told me not to do.
She told you not to look for two morons who got lost stealing a Shetland pony! She must really know you, Dylan.
Just go faster.
Why do I listen to you every time? I was at work, my day was planned, and as usual, you appear, and you derail everything.
Derail ev Do you know, what's that you've got up there? You've got a mind of your own.
You're here, Dylan, because you wanna be.
So, if you're looking for someone to blame, you can piss off and blame yourself.
Pissy bugger.
Mind the bloody bend, Tommo.
Bend! Jesus! Bloody hell.
It's the bloody van.
Have they crashed in the fucking hedge? Cardi.
Whoa, whoa! Bloody fumes, or summat.
It's chloroform.
If that's on their clothes, we'll all be on the deck.
How we gonna get them out? Cover your face.
Ash first.
All right.
I'll take Cardi.
On your own? You'll pull your back out.
Go and get the pony.
Pony? We still need the horse.
I'm supposed to be at Tyler's school! Pony! Dude, he's breathing weird.
His jeans will have to come off.
Right, I'll get his jeans off.
You get Cardi.
All right, dude.
Sorry about this.
Whoa, whoa.
What? What? Blood and sand, dude! Jesus Christ! What? His knob's massive.
Did you know? What? No, I didn't know.
Did YOU know? Of course.
How? I just knew.
We're gonna need an ambulance.
Thanks I was on my way, right? I swear to you.
I was on my way, and then we swerved.
We almost hit a horse.
That is when we found the others, and I couldn't just leave them, they were in a bad way.
Will you please, please go to college? Go back to careers night, cos I will stay here, I swear.
What are you so afraid of? Achieving something? Actually participating in the world? What? Maybe I just like getting stoned and stealing things.
Oh, fine.
Fine, you tell yourself that.
Tell yourself that's all you're capable of.
There's a smart brain in there, Dylan.
You do nothing with it.
YOU play six games of poker simultaneously! Oh, fuck off.
It's a joke.
Erin, what am I supposed to do? Eh? What? Put a suit on? Go tap a keyboard in some fucking industrial estate, and what? Chat crap with Martin from accounts.
Martin, how are you doing? Good weekend? Did you watch the footie? Fuck you.
Don't make me out to be the sensible one, all right? I'm not telling you to go and put a suit on, am I? But stealing cars and tiny horses Really, Dylan? What? Is that your career, is it? You know what? You're gonna end up in prison.
You are.
Or the next time you'll swerve, hit a fucking wall and I'm gonna bury next to your stupid mate.
I'm worried about him.
Why? If we leave WHEN we leave Mm.
.
.
who is gonna look after him? He'll survive, Dylan.
Yeah? Yeah.
Then why has he been seen on the edge of a bridge? All right.
And so, what? What are we gonna do? We're gonna stay here forever, are we? You can't dedicate your life to Vinnie-watch, Dylan.
He might be on the bridge because you told him you're thinking about leaving! No, that's shit.
Is it? He's bipolar! He's on meds, he doesn't He doesn't need you, Dylan.
He WANTS you.
Having you around stops him thinking about his own life.
You endorse each other.
Look, just .
.
go to college, all right? Come on, I'm here.
And I will not leave this house, all right? I promise.
Come on.
Come on.
Get Dylan at tat card game tonight.
He's playing me wi' our money, and I need them winnings.
Mm.
I need him, too, but you heard him earlier having a go at me.
There's a big purse, Vin.
He's the best player there is.
Purse.
What is with everyone and the word "purse"? Listen, I'll do my best All right, Vin? You all right? You all right, Geoff? How's your mum? Oh, she's over the worst now.
Thanks for asking.
All right, well, send her my love.
I will.
Good stuff.
So Is that your horse in the yard? I Geoffrey, that one's spoken for.
Cheeky bastard.
Eh? It's blonde.
So? So, I didn't ask you to steal a blonde one, did I? No, dickhead, you didn't specify.
You said, "Steal me a pony.
" So, there.
The owner's gonna recognise it a mile off.
I don't know what to tell you.
You said, "Steal me a pony.
" So, I got you one.
Bloody hell.
Hang on.
I've got an idea.
"Lose The Grey"? I couldn't shift the bloody stuff.
Fuck's sake.
I'm doing all right.
You got to get right under the layers.
The devil's in the detail.
You fucking missed a bit.
Don't like being behind it.
I think this is gonna bloody work! This is well gonna work.
Don't miss anything under the legs.
There's not, like, a surplus of tiny horses knocking around.
It's a Shetland pony, not a horse! There we go.
Look, look, I've told you I'll cover for you.
No! Well, you're gonna make enough in one night to see you and Erin right for a month.
I gave my word! Yeah, you did.
You gave your word.
You gave your word to Tommo and you gave your word to me.
I've got a hole in my roof! Huh? I've got a fucking hole.
I'm sleeping in a bloody sou'wester long johns.
I look ridiculous.
Listen to logic, right? Erin's out till what, ten o'clock, yeah? Yeah.
Tyler's gonna be in bed, isn't he? Yeah.
And you're gonna be sat downstairs watching bollocks on YouTube.
So, if I'm sat downstairs watching bollocks on YouTube, what's the difference? No.
AS long as you're back before she is, what's the difference, Dylan? No! Mate, no means no, all right? I'm hanging up the phone.
No, no, Dylan.
Don't hang up the phone.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have shouted.
How about this? I'll ring Big Sandy, and I'll see if she can babysit.
She can't, and even if she could, no.
Vin, mate, you're doing that thing where you don't think about anyone but yourself.
Think of anyone but mys Dylan, I'm trying to make you money! I'm trying to make you the money! I said, "I'll do it, I'll count cards.
" I can fucking bluff.
I can do all that.
And when I fucking win, which I absolutely will, you're getting zilch.
Fuck all.
Sweet FA, dude.
So, don't come pissing and whinging to me when you and Erin are skint.
Fuck.
Urgh! JJ, what's going on? Oh, just shut it, all right.
I've had the police round.
Get them wheels out! All right.
It's just Dude, it's been a nightmare day.
Have you diverted them? Yes.
But just get it.
Get me the one I asked for.
I will.
They've sent me to drink, Vinnie, fucking drink.
JJ? Fuck! You all right, Dyl? What can I get you gents? Vincent O'Neill.
Who? I said I'm looking for Vincent O'Neill.
Do you know where he is? No.
Skinny lad, receding hairline.
We need to find him.
All right? Two rules.
Don't eat anything and don't smoke indoors, and .
.
do not take your shoes off, cos that stink lingers.
That's three rules.
# I don't feel that way And slowly you've forgiven me forever Who were they? They work for Terence McCann.
Who? Terence McCann, businessman, in inverted commas.
Apparently, he isn't very happy, because one of his daughter's ponies has been stolen.
Shit.
Vinnie.
JJ? I've unstolen it, man.
I've got to get you the old one tomorrow.
Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.
There's a problem.
All right, that fucking pony.
You have to give it back.
What? It belongs to Terence McCann.
Now he said Terence McFucking Who the fuck Hang on a minute.
A call coming through here.
All right.
Jim, what's going on man? I've just seen a flashlight heading down the path towards your shack, Vin.
You wanna check you haven't got visitors.
Oh, shit.
All right, I'm on my way.
Don't Believe A Word # Don't believe me if I tell you # Not a word of this is true # Don't believe me if I tell you # Especially if I tell you I'm in love with you # Don't believe me if I tell you # That I wrote this song for you # There just might be some other silly pretty girl # I'm singing to # Don't believe a word # For words are so easily spoken # And your heart is just like that promise Made to be broken Nine.
Three of a kind.
Shit! All right, I'm armed.
I don't want any trouble.
Dad! You're going a bit thin there, son! Eh? Piss off.
What, she thrown you out again, has she? No.
I just got early release.
Oh.
Mm.
I've got to go, but I'll see you later.
See you tomorrow.
Fuck's sake! Didn't know you had a unicycle.
All right, Jake? Lift? Throw the bike in the back? Er, no, you're all right.
I'll get a bus.
It's fine.
I've got a Duran Duran CD.
Dad's car.
Yeah, OK.
All right, thank you.
What the hell's going on, Dyl? It's not my night.
Make it your night.
You're better than these twats.
Look, mate.
I can't focus.
You're losing a lot of money, sweetheart.
More importantly, yeah, you're losing MY money.
What do you want me to say? You don't exist outside this room, Dylan.
Now sit the fuck back down and do what you do best, all right? There's a good lad.
# Wild boys never lose it # Wild boys never chose this way # Wild boys never close your eyes # Wild boys always Sing it.
# Shine! You know it! Oh, hey, how's it going, mate? Where am I? Oh, I've had to take you out for a bit, but I'm sorry, I'm gonna take you home now.
Who lives there? I live there.
Can I go inside? No, not really.
I've gotta get you home, dude.
Please! There's a fat, bald monster in there.
You're not gonna like it.
Oh, please! Yeah, go on.
Five minutes.
We're not staying long, you know.
So, this is home, is it? For now, yeah.
Let's just say it doesn't feature in the master plan.
Looks all right.
There's thousands of towns like this all over the country, getting by.
No-one gives a shit about them .
.
until it turns into the Wild West.
I want my son to know different.
Know what I mean? Fancy continuing this dissection of societal disintegration over a pint? You're not easily put off, are you? No, I need to get back.
Dylan's looking after Tyler.
You've got a boyfriend.
You've got a son.
So, best friends? All right, one pint.
One.
Aren't you scared being out here on your own at night? No, am I 'eck! I love being out here in the woods.
The woods is the only place I can get a bit of bloody peace.
Can I bring my mum here? Course you can.
You can bring her anytime you want.
Yeah, course.
My mum can bounce an egg on her head.
Can she really? Yeah.
No, she can't.
Can she really? My God.
That's some bloody skill, innit? I can't.
I love your mum.
She's an eggs-traordinary woman.
What's your mum like? My mum, she's not around any more.
Is she dead? No, she's not dead.
She just went away when I was little.
Like my dad? Yeah, yeah.
Even though I hope she'll come back, you know.
I think that's why I stay in this town.
So if she does come back, you know, she might know where to find me.
I like the funny dog.
Oh, thanks.
It's an owl.
All right, Kath? Can I have a pint of lager and a pint of Guinness, please? For your new fella? No, he's a college mate.
I believe ya.
A thousand wouldn't.
Mind you, it'd be a bold move bringing your fancy man in your own local.
Mm-hm.
Especially with them lot all upstairs.
What lot? Poker game.
Dylan's in there.
Wanker.
What? Wait! Erin! Erin! Erin, Erin.
Wait! Erin, Tyler's fine.
Vinnie's looking after him.
He's safe.
They're home.
You wanna buy some chloroform? # But it's all I've ever known He's looking after 'em! # And when I sleep, I sleep alone # Alone Alone Good evening? Shit.
You? Terrible.
What happened? Vinnie.
Erin.
Thanks for minding him for me.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Can we have a minute? Listen, it's my fault, you know.
I shouldn't have done - It's not, it's not.
It's his, cos he listens to you.
There's three of us in this.
In this relationship.
Well, if there is, I'm the one getting the least sex.
I'm not saying it's you or me, Vin, OK? I'll never make that threat.
But one day soon, I will leave with Tyler, and I won't be coming back.
And he needs to decide what life he wants.
I'm glad to see you both awake.
How you feeling? Terrible.
Heartbroken.
Nigel.
Never mind bloody Nigel.
Honest to God, he's a bird and he's free now, so just be happy for him.
Fucking chloroform! It's his stupid fault! If he'd let me do the horse, this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah, it's my fault.
When are they gonna let you out? A few days.
Apparently, it takes a while to leave the system, but you know what they say about convalescence.
Fresh air.
Get up.
No, get off! I'm sick! No! No, don't touch me, I'm sick! # Big tings running through my mind # I think know about them all the time # I'm gonna do my ting the way I wanna do it # And everything will be all right # Big tings burning up my soul # I think I'm about to lose control # Do I tell myself that I can get through it? # Maybe I'll never know # Big tings all in my brain # Big tings got me again, whoa-oa-oa # Whoa-oa-oa-oa # Big tings gonna have their way # I think about them every day Your pony's a cunt.
YOUR pony's a cunt.
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Good lad.
Go on, Jim.
Vincent O'Neill? Who's asking? Terence McCann.
Wants to discuss small horses.
You must have the wrong lad.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Have it your way.
A word to the wise He's not a man to make an enemy of.
'Sometimes it's only later when you look back, you realise when the turning point came.
The moment in your life when everything changed.
For me, for us.
Christ, for all of us.
It was stealing a blonde Shetland pony from a xenophobic father.
' One minute you can be there, It's Big Sandy.
What about her? .
.
next minute, you're gone.
How am I gonna lift her? I'm on my own today! Get the fat fuck moved! .
.
her funeral.
On it.
I don't want her beaten up.
Just a straight message.
In the future you'll roll up a couple of fat ones and Where are they? I don't know.
Ow! What the fuck are you doing down here? There's been a t-t-tiny hiccup.
# I got so much trouble in my mind # Give me the strength to carry on # Give me the strength to carry on # Cos everything I got is just about gone And Ithink about it AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk
Not high enough.
You'll just bugger your legs up.
Yeah, all right.
Thanks, Ralph.
I'll bear that in my mind, mate.
Tower block.
That's what you need.
Or a fast-moving train.
See you, son.
Or not.
Come on, then! Come on! # The best things in life are free # But you can give them to the birds and bees # I need money 'Fuck the middle class.
Fuck The Guardian.
Fuck three holidays a year, and drinking red wine, talking bollocks at dinner parties.
Fuck quinoa and keenwa.
Fuck scented candles.
You can fuck your people carriers and your posh kids called Tilly and Tarquin.
Fuck moisturiser, fuck vitamins.
Fuck lacrosse, and bloody tennis and 18 holes on a fucking Sunday.
They call us Blair's forgotten youth.
Kids that grow up in a town that offered nothing.
No opportunities, no prospects, no hope.
But what they'll never understand is this, we're not victims.
We just have a different way of living.
It's about having your mates, man.
Having a laugh, and just finding a way to survive.
' Tell me it's not looking thinner.
I can't tell.
You can't tell if you don't look properly, Dylan.
It's fine.
See what I mean? You're not even looking.
What? I looked.
Didn't I look? You were gazing! You are bloody glancing at him.
What's less than a glance? A peek or a glimpse.
A glimpse? You're glimpsing! Right, look properly.
Check it out, see? You're a bitfollicly challenged.
Fucking follicly challenged? Watch out! Oh, shit.
What was that? A pheasant.
Where is it? I don't know.
It's wedged in the fucking grille.
That's not a pheasant.
It's a chicken.
Why would a chicken be roaming free, not a pheasant? Why wouldn't it? It's a chicken, dude.
You can tell it's a chicken.
Look at the plumage.
Fuck the plumage! I cannot go bald.
They're gaining.
They're not gaining.
We'll lose 'em through Jim's field.
# That's what I want # Give me money # I want the money All I need, yeah Morning, lads! Morning! Morning, Jim.
Early start, isn't it? Yeah, listen.
If the cops turn up, you haven't seen us.
Lie to the police? That's perjury, that is.
That's perverting the course of justice.
I don't know what it is, but it's something.
Just piss off.
We're gonna go and have a look at plants, keep our heads down.
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
There's a job I need done.
What job? Shetland pony.
Yeah, you might need to elaborate.
And fast, yeah? I need one stolen, so I can enter the Royal Lancs Show this weekend.
Why would you wanna do that? There's a big purse on it.
"Purse"? A fucking prize! Whatever! Purse! Who are you? Robin of Loxley? We haven't got time for this, Jim.
Fine.
Get all your weed plants off my farm and your nicked wheels out of my chicken shed.
Him, next door, Goldilocks.
He's got himself a beaut.
A mane like silk.
It's got to be better, Vin.
That all this is? One-upmanship? Fucking Vaslowsky? He shouldn't even be here any more! I voted Leave, and that cunt's just bought a nice big baler! A fucking Shetland pony! We'll get one! Christ almighty.
Let's get the fucking hell away.
He's a horrible little man! Get in, guys! Go! Go on! Hurry! Ow! My fucking hand! You've done that three times this week! # Lying in the floor I look up at the ceiling I must be dreaming 'These are my guys.
That's Dylan.
He's been my best mate since schooling.
We bonded over ganja and hip-hop.
Ashley Dennings, and Leslie Tick, AKA Cardi.
Cardi being short for Cardiac Arrest.
He's fucking damn near useless, but we love the daft git.
Ashley's the complete opposite.
He comes from a travelling family.
He can switch to extreme violence at a moment's notice, which makes him handy to have around, really.
' Fucking Shetland pony.
'And that's me.
Vincent O'Neill.
They say I've got bipolar.
I live in a shack in the woods, and if that wasn't bad enough, I'm going bald an' all.
' Where do I find one of them? I've got the day from hell and now I've got to find a tiny horse? I know.
Ash.
If your mind has just gone "Ash, gypsy blood, horses," that's pretty much racism.
All right.
But do you know where to find one, though? Course I do.
Brilliant.
Right, well, take him then.
I'm working! Fucking take him, then.
Where are you in all of this? I've just said I've got the day from hell! I've got a million things I'm asking you to do one thing.
I've got a million things! A million things! Bollocks! I need to get this car to JJ.
I've gotta go to the bloody doctor's.
The last thing I need to do is steal a miniature horse.
Ralph Roberts said he saw him on a bridge, contemplating.
Shit.
Oh, crap! What is it? I think he's getting his arse out again.
Christ.
Let me have a look.
Have a look down there.
He IS getting his arse out again.
Why does he do this, man? He's got the world's worst arse.
JJ! It's the wrong bleedin' car! Huh? It's the right colour and style, but the wrong year! You're gonna have to unsteal this.
'JJ.
Jehan Jovani.
Legitimate mechanic, but has a side line in stolen motors.
' This is bullshit, Vin.
Why the fuck is there a dead pheasant attached to it? Thank you.
Pheasant.
It's a chicken.
It isn't.
Oh, come on.
It's a chicken.
Dude, it's a pheasant! It's a chicken! No, no! Stop, stop! I'll unsteal it.
It'll have to be later.
Not later, Vinnie.
Now.
This can't stay here.
I can't get caught with this here.
Put a cover over it.
I've gotta be somewhere.
One hour.
Please, dude, one hour.
You're an angel.
While you've got your wings on, and don't get cross, need to borrow a van.
What kind of van? Any kind.
As long as it's big enough to fit, say, a kind of a what d'you call it? Medium-sized horse.
Are you fucking kidding me? Right, well, it's that or nothing.
Come on.
Come on! Bacon? You've been cooking? Yeah, I'm starving.
What have you been told about red meat? It's a meat with mammal's meat Right, no more Ms.
Besides, Nigel likes it.
Nigel? What the fuck have you brought a pigeon for? His sister died.
She got decapitated in the folding deck chair.
Thought it were best he wasn't on his own.
So, what's the plan? Where are we gonna lift it from? There's a school up in Rybrook.
It's a posh place.
Just up the hill, there's a stable with not one, but two Shetland ponies.
OK, but how are we gonna get it to go with us? Well, we'll need to find a rein.
Have you ever tried to get a horse to do something against its will? No, but I bet you have.
You're gonna call me a genius.
Bet you I don't.
Chloroform.
Chlo Chloroform? I bought it down the pub a few weeks back.
It was really cheap.
You get this on a rag, over its hooter, down it goes.
That's genius.
Put the chloroform away.
But I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Don't you dare come.
I still haven't.
All right, finish on my tits.
Yeah, all right.
'That's Erin.
Used to be a wild child.
Shagging around, landed with a kid.
Since then, she's really pulled herself together.
These days, she's a woman with a plan.
' Half three, infants' gate, yeah? Yeah.
Hey! You can't forget, Dylan.
Why would I forget? Because you'll meet up wi' Vinnie, get stoned, the usual.
I won't forget.
It's careers night tonight.
I'm gonna ask them about opportunities.
It's gonna happen, Dylan.
As soon as I'm qualified, I'm applying for jobs and looking for schools.
Yeah.
All right.
I won't be back till late, OK? Bye-bye.
Love you.
Right, he's gonna need, bath, story, and bed, yeah? Yeah.
Bye.
Where's the car, Vinnie? What car, Slater? The one you nicked this morning.
You've got the wrong man.
I'm surprised you're out so early.
I thought you'd be balls deep in a dog somewhere by now.
Small-time now, Vin.
But small-time leads to medium-time, and medium time, inevitably, gets drawn into the big-time.
And once you get involved with them fuckers, you're gonna wish you got a job down at the fish counter at Morrisons.
I applied for that job.
They were looking for someone with muscles.
Fuck off, Slater.
Dick.
What have you done this time? Oh, nothing, but I'm sure they'll think of summat.
All clear? All clear.
Right, there's two of them.
One blonde, and one white and ginger.
Which one screams prize winner? The one with the biggest cock.
Right, so Who wants a little treat? I know I've got a good life.
I've got good mates, and it's not like shit's going wrong all the time.
I just I just can't turn my mind off.
It just runs and runs and runs, and never stops, man.
You know, one minute I'm down in the dumps, I can barely get meself out of bed.
Next minute, I'm fucking up, wild as fuck, making stupid decisions that affect everyone, not just me.
You know, I do I do think about hurting meself.
You know, I have suicidal thoughts.
It doesn't mean I'm bloody suicidal, though, does it? I just have the thoughts.
Christ, I was on a bridge last Friday! Ralph Roberts thought I was tossing meself off.
Throwing meself off.
But what I'm trying to say is, for as often as I think about suicide, I could never ever do it.
It scares the shit out of me.
And then there's me mates.
I don't know what they Am I keeping you from something? Sorry, no.
It's just, erm, a personal issue.
Erm So you're on quetiapine? Mm-hm.
It helping? It doesn't help my libido.
Can be barely bothered to rub one out, never mind get wi' anyone.
Well, what do you want me to do, Vin? I don't know.
You're the doctor, aren't you? Well, you can try counselling.
Cognitive behavioural therapy.
There's a five-month waiting list for that.
Unless you're prepared to pay.
Pay? What? You mean, go private? I don't have that kind of money, man.
I Give me that phone.
No.
Get off.
"Netlover.
Amy, 35.
" I'm pouring my heart out.
You're on a dating app, netting lovers.
Have you tried it? It's unbelievable.
Honestly, it's changed my life.
Look at this.
This girl the other day, she was feral.
Look at her.
Oh, she looks nice.
My todger looks like a dog's been at it.
Look at that.
What? Bloody hell! Come on, man! That looks really sore.
And this, that's me.
What happened? Did it bolt? Bolt? No, it's in the van.
In the van? I offered it a chocolate mouse, and it just climbed in the back.
It's a dumb animal.
Can I have one? Going Up The Country # I'm going up the country # Tell me where you want to go I still say we should have chloroformed it.
Look, it's in the van.
Yeah, but look at Oh, God.
What's that? Has it shat itself? Well, it's a horse.
That's what horses do.
Oh, you dirty Nigel! What the fuck is One hour after work.
Tommo, mate, I can't.
I've got Erin's kid.
Bring him along.
Bring him along? To help you fit a sex swing in a spooky basement? Hey.
Hey.
'Tommo.
Handsome, crafty, unhinged.
You wouldn't want him hanging out He's had chlamydia more often than he's had hot dinners.
' It's an erotic dungeon.
It's not an erotic dungeon.
Hasn't it got lice? Hang on.
What time you got him till? All night.
Why? Er, are you not forgetting summat? Poker match, upstairs 7:30.
Count me out.
Count you out? It's free money, mate.
It's mine and Vinnie's money.
Anyway, it's arranged.
Sandy'll look after him, won't you, Sandy? What's that? Babysit Tyler tonight for Dylan.
Boys, you know I would, if I could.
Dylan! Dylan? Dylan.
'Eh up, Tommo.
Have you heard from Ash or Cardi? Radio silence.
Where are they? I've tried them 100 times.
Probably bumming.
Yeah.
They'll be bumming, won't they? Knobhead.
They've been gone hours.
Yeah, I should've done this job meself.
I don't know why I trust them.
Dude, just get your stuff together.
I'm here till three, then I've gotta go pick up Tyler from school.
Not any more you're not.
Hang on a second, D.
Kath, love.
You all right, Vin? Yeah, all right, love.
I just wonder, can I borrow Dildo for a couple of hours? Why do you need him? Because I've just lost two idiots I sent to steal a Shetland pony.
Well, as long as it's something important.
You got your car? Yep.
Oh, you're an angel, dude.
If you'll help me fit a sex swing in my dungeon.
Every fucker wants something! Often, the same products are available throughout the world.
So, if part of the reason for travel is to explore the unique and different, well, then the sameness factor is a major tourism challenge.
In a globalised marketplace It's just a drink.
Got a boyfriend.
One drink.
Got a son as well.
A son? Yep.
You don't look old enough.
Smooth.
No, seriously, you don't.
How old? Five, wasn't planned.
But he's the best mistake I ever made.
Right.
Put you off, does it? No.
Well, it should.
Every decision I make has got one purpose, and that's to give him a better life.
And your boyfriend, does he fit into that? Dylan? I'm afraid so.
This school, is this the one that Ash's fella taught at? Yeah.
Poor bastard.
Cranial trauma.
Reckon he'll never teach again.
Yeah, fucking animals this family.
I mean, come on.
Who gives a shit where anyone sticks their dick any more? Know what I mean? Mm.
I have businessmen, barristers, brigadiers come to my place.
Some want spanking, some want taking up the shitter, I had a lovely fellow who wanted me to lick some custard off his nuts.
Fair do's.
No.
Point being, we're mammals.
Yeah.
Creatures with urges.
Whether it's assholes, fannies, or, you know, some granny's gummy cakehole.
Ugh! Dicks are gonna go in soft warm holes.
End of.
You're an ambassador for a more tolerant society, Tom.
Christ almighty.
Do a left here, will you? Right, yeah.
Oh, bollocks.
They haven't even took it.
Maybe they found one somewhere else.
Like where? The cereal aisle at Aldi? Christ.
Erm, all right.
Sod it.
Wait a minute, Vin.
Vin, you're not being rational.
Vin! How are you gonna get it back to Jim's? Back seat.
You can walk.
No, I'm picking up Tyler.
Fucking hell.
Come on, you silly sod.
Don't fucking frighten it.
Come on, then.
What? Insane in the Brain Oi! Fucking hell! Jesus! Jesus! Are you trying to kill us? Vinnie! Vinnie! No, no, no.
Hey, what the hell are you Vinnie! Hey, Vin, you can leave the fucking horse.
He's not fucking about! Vin! Leave it! Fuck! What is he doing? Fuck me! Oh, hey.
Now we're living.
Nearly killed us! He was aiming to miss.
You prick! Oh, don't be grumpy.
Hey, Dyl.
Dylan! Don't be cross.
Sex swing.
All right.
Come on, come on, fuck's sake.
You seeing anyone? Me? Christ, no.
You know what I'm like.
Can't inflict this on anyone.
They're hardly queueing up for a bipolar thief that lives in the woods.
Do you want me to sort you out a paid-for? So you can empty your sack? That's a lovely offer, Tom.
But I've no libido.
How's business? Oh, booming, yeah.
Is it? They're all getting into that space stocking now.
What, to take up the carpet? No.
Tyler Croft.
Yeah.
Croft.
Sorry, yeah, the reception is bad.
You know, I'm in the hills, erm Croft! Yeah, I'm collecting him, but I'm running late.
Can you tell his teacher I'll be there as Fuck! Fuck down straight to the school.
Chill out, Anakin Skywalker.
He's five.
They're not gonna toss him out on his own.
They'll ring Erin.
Then she'll know I've done the thing she told me not to do.
She told you not to look for two morons who got lost stealing a Shetland pony! She must really know you, Dylan.
Just go faster.
Why do I listen to you every time? I was at work, my day was planned, and as usual, you appear, and you derail everything.
Derail ev Do you know, what's that you've got up there? You've got a mind of your own.
You're here, Dylan, because you wanna be.
So, if you're looking for someone to blame, you can piss off and blame yourself.
Pissy bugger.
Mind the bloody bend, Tommo.
Bend! Jesus! Bloody hell.
It's the bloody van.
Have they crashed in the fucking hedge? Cardi.
Whoa, whoa! Bloody fumes, or summat.
It's chloroform.
If that's on their clothes, we'll all be on the deck.
How we gonna get them out? Cover your face.
Ash first.
All right.
I'll take Cardi.
On your own? You'll pull your back out.
Go and get the pony.
Pony? We still need the horse.
I'm supposed to be at Tyler's school! Pony! Dude, he's breathing weird.
His jeans will have to come off.
Right, I'll get his jeans off.
You get Cardi.
All right, dude.
Sorry about this.
Whoa, whoa.
What? What? Blood and sand, dude! Jesus Christ! What? His knob's massive.
Did you know? What? No, I didn't know.
Did YOU know? Of course.
How? I just knew.
We're gonna need an ambulance.
Thanks I was on my way, right? I swear to you.
I was on my way, and then we swerved.
We almost hit a horse.
That is when we found the others, and I couldn't just leave them, they were in a bad way.
Will you please, please go to college? Go back to careers night, cos I will stay here, I swear.
What are you so afraid of? Achieving something? Actually participating in the world? What? Maybe I just like getting stoned and stealing things.
Oh, fine.
Fine, you tell yourself that.
Tell yourself that's all you're capable of.
There's a smart brain in there, Dylan.
You do nothing with it.
YOU play six games of poker simultaneously! Oh, fuck off.
It's a joke.
Erin, what am I supposed to do? Eh? What? Put a suit on? Go tap a keyboard in some fucking industrial estate, and what? Chat crap with Martin from accounts.
Martin, how are you doing? Good weekend? Did you watch the footie? Fuck you.
Don't make me out to be the sensible one, all right? I'm not telling you to go and put a suit on, am I? But stealing cars and tiny horses Really, Dylan? What? Is that your career, is it? You know what? You're gonna end up in prison.
You are.
Or the next time you'll swerve, hit a fucking wall and I'm gonna bury next to your stupid mate.
I'm worried about him.
Why? If we leave WHEN we leave Mm.
.
.
who is gonna look after him? He'll survive, Dylan.
Yeah? Yeah.
Then why has he been seen on the edge of a bridge? All right.
And so, what? What are we gonna do? We're gonna stay here forever, are we? You can't dedicate your life to Vinnie-watch, Dylan.
He might be on the bridge because you told him you're thinking about leaving! No, that's shit.
Is it? He's bipolar! He's on meds, he doesn't He doesn't need you, Dylan.
He WANTS you.
Having you around stops him thinking about his own life.
You endorse each other.
Look, just .
.
go to college, all right? Come on, I'm here.
And I will not leave this house, all right? I promise.
Come on.
Come on.
Get Dylan at tat card game tonight.
He's playing me wi' our money, and I need them winnings.
Mm.
I need him, too, but you heard him earlier having a go at me.
There's a big purse, Vin.
He's the best player there is.
Purse.
What is with everyone and the word "purse"? Listen, I'll do my best All right, Vin? You all right? You all right, Geoff? How's your mum? Oh, she's over the worst now.
Thanks for asking.
All right, well, send her my love.
I will.
Good stuff.
So Is that your horse in the yard? I Geoffrey, that one's spoken for.
Cheeky bastard.
Eh? It's blonde.
So? So, I didn't ask you to steal a blonde one, did I? No, dickhead, you didn't specify.
You said, "Steal me a pony.
" So, there.
The owner's gonna recognise it a mile off.
I don't know what to tell you.
You said, "Steal me a pony.
" So, I got you one.
Bloody hell.
Hang on.
I've got an idea.
"Lose The Grey"? I couldn't shift the bloody stuff.
Fuck's sake.
I'm doing all right.
You got to get right under the layers.
The devil's in the detail.
You fucking missed a bit.
Don't like being behind it.
I think this is gonna bloody work! This is well gonna work.
Don't miss anything under the legs.
There's not, like, a surplus of tiny horses knocking around.
It's a Shetland pony, not a horse! There we go.
Look, look, I've told you I'll cover for you.
No! Well, you're gonna make enough in one night to see you and Erin right for a month.
I gave my word! Yeah, you did.
You gave your word.
You gave your word to Tommo and you gave your word to me.
I've got a hole in my roof! Huh? I've got a fucking hole.
I'm sleeping in a bloody sou'wester long johns.
I look ridiculous.
Listen to logic, right? Erin's out till what, ten o'clock, yeah? Yeah.
Tyler's gonna be in bed, isn't he? Yeah.
And you're gonna be sat downstairs watching bollocks on YouTube.
So, if I'm sat downstairs watching bollocks on YouTube, what's the difference? No.
AS long as you're back before she is, what's the difference, Dylan? No! Mate, no means no, all right? I'm hanging up the phone.
No, no, Dylan.
Don't hang up the phone.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have shouted.
How about this? I'll ring Big Sandy, and I'll see if she can babysit.
She can't, and even if she could, no.
Vin, mate, you're doing that thing where you don't think about anyone but yourself.
Think of anyone but mys Dylan, I'm trying to make you money! I'm trying to make you the money! I said, "I'll do it, I'll count cards.
" I can fucking bluff.
I can do all that.
And when I fucking win, which I absolutely will, you're getting zilch.
Fuck all.
Sweet FA, dude.
So, don't come pissing and whinging to me when you and Erin are skint.
Fuck.
Urgh! JJ, what's going on? Oh, just shut it, all right.
I've had the police round.
Get them wheels out! All right.
It's just Dude, it's been a nightmare day.
Have you diverted them? Yes.
But just get it.
Get me the one I asked for.
I will.
They've sent me to drink, Vinnie, fucking drink.
JJ? Fuck! You all right, Dyl? What can I get you gents? Vincent O'Neill.
Who? I said I'm looking for Vincent O'Neill.
Do you know where he is? No.
Skinny lad, receding hairline.
We need to find him.
All right? Two rules.
Don't eat anything and don't smoke indoors, and .
.
do not take your shoes off, cos that stink lingers.
That's three rules.
# I don't feel that way And slowly you've forgiven me forever Who were they? They work for Terence McCann.
Who? Terence McCann, businessman, in inverted commas.
Apparently, he isn't very happy, because one of his daughter's ponies has been stolen.
Shit.
Vinnie.
JJ? I've unstolen it, man.
I've got to get you the old one tomorrow.
Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.
There's a problem.
All right, that fucking pony.
You have to give it back.
What? It belongs to Terence McCann.
Now he said Terence McFucking Who the fuck Hang on a minute.
A call coming through here.
All right.
Jim, what's going on man? I've just seen a flashlight heading down the path towards your shack, Vin.
You wanna check you haven't got visitors.
Oh, shit.
All right, I'm on my way.
Don't Believe A Word # Don't believe me if I tell you # Not a word of this is true # Don't believe me if I tell you # Especially if I tell you I'm in love with you # Don't believe me if I tell you # That I wrote this song for you # There just might be some other silly pretty girl # I'm singing to # Don't believe a word # For words are so easily spoken # And your heart is just like that promise Made to be broken Nine.
Three of a kind.
Shit! All right, I'm armed.
I don't want any trouble.
Dad! You're going a bit thin there, son! Eh? Piss off.
What, she thrown you out again, has she? No.
I just got early release.
Oh.
Mm.
I've got to go, but I'll see you later.
See you tomorrow.
Fuck's sake! Didn't know you had a unicycle.
All right, Jake? Lift? Throw the bike in the back? Er, no, you're all right.
I'll get a bus.
It's fine.
I've got a Duran Duran CD.
Dad's car.
Yeah, OK.
All right, thank you.
What the hell's going on, Dyl? It's not my night.
Make it your night.
You're better than these twats.
Look, mate.
I can't focus.
You're losing a lot of money, sweetheart.
More importantly, yeah, you're losing MY money.
What do you want me to say? You don't exist outside this room, Dylan.
Now sit the fuck back down and do what you do best, all right? There's a good lad.
# Wild boys never lose it # Wild boys never chose this way # Wild boys never close your eyes # Wild boys always Sing it.
# Shine! You know it! Oh, hey, how's it going, mate? Where am I? Oh, I've had to take you out for a bit, but I'm sorry, I'm gonna take you home now.
Who lives there? I live there.
Can I go inside? No, not really.
I've gotta get you home, dude.
Please! There's a fat, bald monster in there.
You're not gonna like it.
Oh, please! Yeah, go on.
Five minutes.
We're not staying long, you know.
So, this is home, is it? For now, yeah.
Let's just say it doesn't feature in the master plan.
Looks all right.
There's thousands of towns like this all over the country, getting by.
No-one gives a shit about them .
.
until it turns into the Wild West.
I want my son to know different.
Know what I mean? Fancy continuing this dissection of societal disintegration over a pint? You're not easily put off, are you? No, I need to get back.
Dylan's looking after Tyler.
You've got a boyfriend.
You've got a son.
So, best friends? All right, one pint.
One.
Aren't you scared being out here on your own at night? No, am I 'eck! I love being out here in the woods.
The woods is the only place I can get a bit of bloody peace.
Can I bring my mum here? Course you can.
You can bring her anytime you want.
Yeah, course.
My mum can bounce an egg on her head.
Can she really? Yeah.
No, she can't.
Can she really? My God.
That's some bloody skill, innit? I can't.
I love your mum.
She's an eggs-traordinary woman.
What's your mum like? My mum, she's not around any more.
Is she dead? No, she's not dead.
She just went away when I was little.
Like my dad? Yeah, yeah.
Even though I hope she'll come back, you know.
I think that's why I stay in this town.
So if she does come back, you know, she might know where to find me.
I like the funny dog.
Oh, thanks.
It's an owl.
All right, Kath? Can I have a pint of lager and a pint of Guinness, please? For your new fella? No, he's a college mate.
I believe ya.
A thousand wouldn't.
Mind you, it'd be a bold move bringing your fancy man in your own local.
Mm-hm.
Especially with them lot all upstairs.
What lot? Poker game.
Dylan's in there.
Wanker.
What? Wait! Erin! Erin! Erin, Erin.
Wait! Erin, Tyler's fine.
Vinnie's looking after him.
He's safe.
They're home.
You wanna buy some chloroform? # But it's all I've ever known He's looking after 'em! # And when I sleep, I sleep alone # Alone Alone Good evening? Shit.
You? Terrible.
What happened? Vinnie.
Erin.
Thanks for minding him for me.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Can we have a minute? Listen, it's my fault, you know.
I shouldn't have done - It's not, it's not.
It's his, cos he listens to you.
There's three of us in this.
In this relationship.
Well, if there is, I'm the one getting the least sex.
I'm not saying it's you or me, Vin, OK? I'll never make that threat.
But one day soon, I will leave with Tyler, and I won't be coming back.
And he needs to decide what life he wants.
I'm glad to see you both awake.
How you feeling? Terrible.
Heartbroken.
Nigel.
Never mind bloody Nigel.
Honest to God, he's a bird and he's free now, so just be happy for him.
Fucking chloroform! It's his stupid fault! If he'd let me do the horse, this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah, it's my fault.
When are they gonna let you out? A few days.
Apparently, it takes a while to leave the system, but you know what they say about convalescence.
Fresh air.
Get up.
No, get off! I'm sick! No! No, don't touch me, I'm sick! # Big tings running through my mind # I think know about them all the time # I'm gonna do my ting the way I wanna do it # And everything will be all right # Big tings burning up my soul # I think I'm about to lose control # Do I tell myself that I can get through it? # Maybe I'll never know # Big tings all in my brain # Big tings got me again, whoa-oa-oa # Whoa-oa-oa-oa # Big tings gonna have their way # I think about them every day Your pony's a cunt.
YOUR pony's a cunt.
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Good lad.
Go on, Jim.
Vincent O'Neill? Who's asking? Terence McCann.
Wants to discuss small horses.
You must have the wrong lad.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Have it your way.
A word to the wise He's not a man to make an enemy of.
'Sometimes it's only later when you look back, you realise when the turning point came.
The moment in your life when everything changed.
For me, for us.
Christ, for all of us.
It was stealing a blonde Shetland pony from a xenophobic father.
' One minute you can be there, It's Big Sandy.
What about her? .
.
next minute, you're gone.
How am I gonna lift her? I'm on my own today! Get the fat fuck moved! .
.
her funeral.
On it.
I don't want her beaten up.
Just a straight message.
In the future you'll roll up a couple of fat ones and Where are they? I don't know.
Ow! What the fuck are you doing down here? There's been a t-t-tiny hiccup.
# I got so much trouble in my mind # Give me the strength to carry on # Give me the strength to carry on # Cos everything I got is just about gone And Ithink about it AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk