Brews Brothers (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

[bright orchestral music playing]
[man] Beer.
A wise man once said
that beer makes you feel the way
you ought to feel without beer.
Couldn't agree more.
First one's on the house.
Uh, actually,
I'm looking for the Accommodator.
Sorry. We don't have the Accommodator.
Yeah, it's not a beer. It's a dildo.
[stammering] What? Why does everyone think
this is a porn shop?
Well, we're in Van Nuys,
and you spelled "extreme"
with triple X's, so
Okay, because my last name is Rodman,
and the beer,
as you will taste, is very extreme.
- This is my most drinkable ale.
- Mmm!
It's called the Rod Guzzler.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh!
[theme music playing]
[bottle pops open]
- This is bright beer. Nothing fresher.
- Bright beer.
- Okay.
- [Rodman] Yeah.
[customer] Mmm! Incredible.
If you just sold dildos and fetish wear
like you advertise,
this place would be a home run, Wilheim.
My name's Wilhelm.
My real name's Will,
but I had it legally changed to Wilhelm,
in honor of the Bavarian duke responsible
for the Reinheitsgebot,
which is the beer purity law of 1516.
Ooh, Chuy, Chuy, Ch-Chuy! Come here!
Come here. You gotta meet this guy.
Chuy used to work
at the auto body shop next door,
and I poached him
because he wanted a little career change.
I wanna be a businessman,
so I watch him.
Oh, thank you, Chuy.
If I just do the opposite
of whatever he does,
sky's the limit for me.
- [Wilhelm laughs] Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, boss,
tonight I'm throwing a tasting party
for my soccer buds.
Mind if I take home a little research?
Take whatever you want.
You know that's the rule.
Thank you. Later, man.
What a great guy, right?
- Incredible.
- He's a gem.
- [customer] You're lucky to have him.
- Nope, drop it.
Oh, man.
Your car's being towed.
Oh, shit.
- Mm-kay. Bye.
- [customer] Oh, shit.
- So sorry. See you again.
- Bye, Ben. Nice meeting you.
- Bye! Okay.
- Hope you get your dildo.
Stop letting Chuy take the booze.
Will, what are you doing?
- LeBron James or Abe Lincoln?
- [laughs]
- Colonel Sanders.
- [coughs]
Oh, my God, Will, get your shit together.
[laughing] Everything is gonna be fine,
okay?
The distributor's coming by today.
He likes our beer.
[speaking German]
- We're golden. Stop being a buzzkill.
- Oh, my God. I
I see how much you drink, okay?
Nothing can kill your buzz.
Even your dog is day drunk.
[whimpers, panting]
So what? He's a little drunk.
- Friar Lucas knows when to say when.
- Does he?
[dog growls]
Come here. I got a question for you.
- Why did you put the darts on this side?
- [Wilhelm] Ah, let me tell you why.
[bar patron] Ow!
I needed room
for my latest genius promotion.
Ta-da, huh? Pretty good.
You take a growler home with you,
and then you get another one for free
when you come back.
- It's gonna catch on like wildfire.
- [older man grunting]
I think it already has.
- [growling]
- [Wilhelm] No, no!
No, hey,
that is the wrong kind of growler.
You can't do that here!
Hey, the sign says I can.
"Take a growler, leave a growler."
Same thing.
No, not my kind of growlers.
- Please, get out of here.
- [squelches]
Oh, no, no, no!
Yes. You see, to my point,
I'm taking a growler here,
and this morning,
I left a growler there.
You see? Same thing.
- You need shoes.
- It's sanitary.
- I don't need these anymore.
- [groans]
You have to promise me
you will stop taking a growler!
But can I leave a growler?
I'm gonna give you my shoes,
and you're gonna go, okay?
[older man] But that I could, my dear man.
Since the death of printed media,
I'm at a loss for wipes, hmm?
Ever tried to wipe your ass with a Kindle?
- [groans]
- No!
- Back to the statehouse, Senator.
- Senator? What?
Ooh, Merrells.
The rock shoe of the white,
urban climber.
[man] Hmm. The hops are timid,
and there's a meek earthiness
vying for attention.
[swishes beer] Hmm.
[smacks lips]
Detecting a delicate bouquet of pine
with notes of citrus.
Possibly clementines?
- [Chuy] He's good.
- [smacks lips]
If the brewmaster remembered
that he was making a beer
and not a smoothie,
you might really have something here.
Unfortunately, the beer,
much like the brewmaster himself,
smells like, as he would say,
"Scheiße!" [chuckles]
- You can pour that out.
- Hello, Adam.
[gasps]
- Nice to see you, too.
- [Adam] Hi.
Wait. Who's this guy?
- My brother.
- Bring it in.
- [thuds]
- [laughs] Oh, shit!
[chuckles softly] Family.
- Will, I didn't know you had a brother.
- Yeah, I haven't seen Oxy in a long time.
Aww, that's a cute nickname.
Unless it's short for Oxycontin.
[chuckles]
No, it's short for oxidation.
Oxidation destroys beer
and Adam destroys everything.
I can get you Oxy.
We should be so close.
[chimes play]
[Wilhelm] Adam and I were adopted
by farmers in beautiful Yakima Valley.
And as you know, that's where 70%
of American hops are grown.
[woman] Nobody knows that,
and nobody cares.
I'm actually angry that I know now.
[Wilhelm]
Pipe down! I'm painting a picture.
Adam snuck me my first beer,
and I thought it was horrible.
[spits]
And that's when he said,
"We can make it better."
[bleats]
The next few years,
we became the best beer-making duo around.
We even entered a beer contest.
[woman] You guys entered a beer contest
when you were that young?
- [crowd cheering]
- [Wilhelm] And we won.
- [woman] That's great.
- [Wilhelm] Not great.
Adam really wanted to use his beer,
but I knew mine was better, so
at the last minute, I switched them.
When he found out
[young Adam sniffs]
he was pissed.
I will never work with you again.
Traitor![grunts]
- [glasses smash]
- [man yelps]
And I never saw him again till today.
Look, the guy makes really,
really good beer.
- It's just that
- Will, like, come on.
You spent your money on a place
that's way too big,
and there's barely any customers.
Um, by the way, boss,
"taking a growler" means "to shit."
Where were you a week ago?
Whatever you think about your brother,
if he makes amazing beer,
why not give him a shot?
[sighs]
[Adam sighs]
So
I have discussed it with my team,
and we have decided
to let you work with us
on the following conditions
I accept.
We gotta make a lot of changes
around here.
You gotta change the way
you're marketing this place.
Yes, okay, great.
That's exactly what we shall do.
[Adam] Okay, let's get rid of that barrel,
these menus.
- What?
- Get rid of those games.
No chairs, no tables.
Send 'em back to the junkyard
I assume you got them from.
Maybe board up these windows.
- Why?
- 'Cause they look like shit.
Okay, pool tables and beer pong,
here we come.
No, the opposite. We want this whole place
to be stripped down.
We want people
to be able to meditate on the beer.
I want our customers to see the way
I prepare the grist for the mash tun.
- Oh, my God, he is worse than you.
- Told ya.
And you guys could really stand
to fix yourselves up a little bit.
Do you work here?
Yes.
Yes, Chuy, you work here.
- Yes! Yes.
- Yes, you do. You do.
Okay, great. And you're wearing sandals
in a brewery?
- Pool wear?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- [Adam] All right.
There's something about you. I like you.
Put your hair up, pull it back.
Make it more presentable.
Okay. Yeah, sure thing.
- [Adam] Sick! Look at her ear. It's bad.
- What?
- Y-Your ear is all messed up.
- Oh, my God. Calm down.
It's just cauliflower ear.
Yeah, but it is gross.
Looks like a dog chewed on it.
It stinks, too.
- It stinks?
- [woman] It doesn't.
Sarah used to be an MMA fighter.
Yeah, and I had to retire
after I got injured.
- Oh, my God.
- [Sarah] It's an injury.
I bet people are so happy
to not see that melted thing.
What? They love it, okay?
They love me and my ear.
[Adam] Okay.
- Bye. Bye.
- [Sarah] Come on, we got shit to do.
- [Adam groans]
- Hello, hello. Welcome to Rodman's.
What can I get you?
Hi. Um, can I have a Stella?
We actually only serve our own beer here,
so we don't have Stella,
but I'd be happy to find you something
that is similar
Sorry, you want a Stella?
No, Stella is the most unoriginal beer
in the world.
So that means that you're
the most unoriginal person in the world.
What about you? Hi, how are you?
- What are you thinking of having?
- Do you have something like a Bud Light?
No, no, no.
Bud Light, Bud Light, Bud Light.
[snorts, spits]
You can lap that up.
It'll taste like Bud Light.
That's so gross.
I apologize on his behalf.
The drinks are on me.
- We'll go to a different bar.
- Weird.
[Wilhelm]
If we could buy your first round
- No! Please come back again!
- [door slams]
What are you doing?
You can't turn people away.
Come on, they were barely people.
They wanted to drink
a Stella and a Bud Light.
Beer is about bringing people together,
and Rodman's is the perfect hang.
What matters most
is making the perfect beer.
- Everything else is immaterial.
- [Wilhelm] No.
What matters most is serving people,
regardless of their beer preference,
race, religion.
That's the German way.
No, I don't think that's right.
[Wilhelm] I've never needed you.
When you went off to Oregon State at 14
to get your stupid beer degree
My master's of agricultural chemistry
and zymurgy?
I was learning how to make beer
the hard way:
on the streets
and outdoor plazas of Europe.
Do have any idea how many beer gardens
I drank my way through
- before I perfected my craft?
- [Adam] And what craft is that?
Throwing up on yourself
and then contracting super gonorrhea
from a youth hostel toilet seat?
So you do follow me on Instagram!
Okay, so you were able to drag
your gonorrhea-riddled member
into a monastery where they make beer,
and you memorized their recipes.
That does not make you a Braumeister.
That makes you a Xerox machine.
What's a Xerox machine?
Can you get her out of here, please? Go.
Hi, sir.
Welcome to Rodman's. What can I get you?
I'll have whatever you recommend.
[Wilhelm] Whatever I recommend.
Excellent.
Adam, this is how you run a brewery.
Let me pull my Rodman Stiff Stout for you.
Oh, I gotta change that name.
And he wonders why people think
we're a sex store.
- [Adam] People don't think about you guys.
- Here you go, sir.
- [man] Thank you.
- [Wilhelm] Take a sip.
- [man] Tasty.
- Thank you.
- [smacks lips] Are you Wilhelm Rodman?
- Mm-hmm.
You are three months behind on your rent.
Pay up or you're gonna be evicted.
This is really good.
It's definitely not,
and I would've gotten him out of here
two or three months ago.
Hey, Will, how do you say "you're fucked"
in German?
[in German] You are fucked!
[in English] I picked up a few things.
[Wilhelm] Okay,
we are not going out of business.
We need to spend all of our time
in putting together the perfect flight
to impress the hell
outta this distributor.
What's your favorite beer?
I can run to Angel City
and pick up a few kegs.
[gasps] That's genius.
I mean,
I-I love where this guy's head is at.
- You're great.
- Thank you.
- I don't like where this is going.
- It feels good here.
[tires screech]
What the fuck?
- [woman grunts]
- [Wilhelm] You came in a little hot again.
[woman] Sorry about that.
It's really hard to park
when digitally stimulating each other.
You can park safely,
or you can orgasm at the same time.
- I choose the orgasm.
- [Adam] Cool.
Hey, this is my brother Adam.
[chuckles] You guys look nothing alike.
- Thank you.
- Danke.
- You look like lovers.
- [Wilhelm] What?
[woman] Yeah, lovers.
- [man] Do you ever?
- No!
- That'd be fun.
- Cute.
[Wilhelm] Barely talk.
Kids Menu! Open for business!
- Chicken fingers! Corn dogs!
- Mac and cheese!
Juice boxes! Everything organic
- [both]and locally sourced.
- [Adam] Wow.
And adults actually consume this stuff?
Hell yeah, dude.
Everyone loves ordering
off the kids' menu.
- Who doesn't love a kids' menu?
- Right?
But restaurants make it off-limits
for grown-ups.
- [man] For us
- [both]nothing is off-limits.
- That's what I was gonna say.
- I was gonna say that.
- You're not oh, my
- [both moaning]
[Wilhelm] Nothing's off-limits.
How do you do it?
You live together, you work together.
I'm presuming
that you don't share deodorant together.
Correct.
Deodorant is a tool of the government
- to track you.
- [woman] To control you.
They put, uh, salt in it
Aluminum, baby.
Thank you, babe. They put aluminum in it,
and that's how they know where you are.
God, it is so concerning
that you run a food truck
and you confused aluminum and salt.
Oh, no, they're both fine to eat.
- You can just not put one under your arm.
- [woman] Yeah.
Do you guys ever get sick of each other?
We've been together ten months
and haven't spent a moment apart.
- Not one moment.
- What about when you go to the bathroom?
[both] What about it?
- Can I order something?
- Yes. We need hairnets.
Yes, sanitation is so important.
[Adam] Totally.
Okay.
Cool, cool, cool. I'm gonna go.
- Uh, you should join me as well.
- [woman] Hold on.
You didn't dig in deep back there.
Here, want me to give you a lift?
Step on my hand.
- [Wilhelm] Adam!
- Yeah.
I think he's about to put a hairnet
over his hat.
[woman] Yeah, there you go.
Okay, right up there.
- [man] Hello.
- [Wilhelm] Hi.
Cole Harris.
- East Valley Craft Distribution.
- [Wilhelm] Yes.
- Wilhelm Rodman, brewmaster.
- [Adam] Hello.
Adam Rodman. Hi. Head brewmaster.
- Hi there. Hi.
- Okay. Hi.
- [laughing]
- [Adam] Don't make it weird.
- Let him go.
- All right.
- So sorry.
- [Cole] Okay.
- Cool.
- [Adam] Mm-hmm.
So, uh, which one of you is in charge?
[both] I am.
Family business, like the Lehman Brothers.
[stammers] Yeah. Uh, big fans.
You don't know who they are.
They stole a lot of money. [laughs]
Take a seat, and I will bring a flight
that is going to
bedazzle you.
Okay. Great.
"Bedazzle" him?
- Oof! That was bad, even for you.
- I am nervous!
So, what restaurants are gonna be serving
my beer selection?
Off the top of my head,
I think the Tipsy Cow
and the Local Peasant have a tap open
for local brews.
Fantastic. And these establishments,
what kind of savory apps are they serving?
Uh, I mean,
I-I really enjoy the short-rib poutine.
"Short-rib poutine"? Hmm.
- Are you writing that down?
- [Adam] I'm not.
- I see you writing things down.
- It looks like that, but I'm not.
You just wrote down what I like to eat.
I honestly did not. You can trust me.
- Okay.
- But I-I'm curious,
how often do these establishments
clean out their taps?
Uh, I don't When they're supposed to?
- Okay, that's all I need.
- [Cole] Are you writing that down?
- This isn't gonna work out.
- Excuse me?
Wait, are you interviewing me?
I'm interviewing you.
- [Wilhelm] No!
- [Adam] Now that the interview's over,
I am willing to admit to you
I've been writing things down.
I knew it. You wrote it all down.
Adam! Adam! I'm so sorry about him.
Why don't you take a quick sample
of our four most popular beers?
- [Cole] Okay.
- [Adam] Let me stop you.
I believe that we have a right to know
if the food
these establishments are serving
tastes like, as you would say,
große Scheiße,
which is German for
- Yeah, I know what it means.
- It's like "big shit."
- [Cole] Yeah.
- I don't know if you knew that.
- I knew it.
- [Adam] Okay.
You know what I think?
I think we're done here.
Done?
You're gonna order without sampling?
Incredible.
How many kegs can we sign you up for?
I think I'll order nein.
Which is German for "none."
- [Adam] Oh, no, it's not.
- See what I did?
No, nein would actually just be "no."
[Wilhelm] Cole, please, please
- [Adam] Bye!
- What are you doing?
I just hope the next guy's
more collaborative.
That's what I'll say.
What next guy?
There's one guy in Van Nuys!
One guy!
There's one distributor,
and it's that guy? [grunts]
Van Nuys, it's a bad place [groans]
- Is this what happened to your ear?
- Shut up, you baby!
You know what?
- I never should've tracked you down.
- I never should've accepted your offer.
This place is even more of a disaster
than your melted ear.
- I feel bad for Chuy.
- Wanna go for round two?
- [Adam] I don't!
- See where he parked?
- I'll find him.
- [Wilhelm] Thanks.
You are doing the same thing
you always do.
- You ruin everything.
- Oh, hard disagree.
No, don't sit. You're out. Get out.
- I'm out?
- Uh-huh.
- [Adam] Okay.
- This is done.
- [Adam] Okay, great.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- See ya. This was a wonderful reunion.
Bye.
- Fuck.
- What?
I have nowhere else to go.
What do you mean?
You said you were killing it in Portland.
[Adam] I was.
I had a falling out
with the local brewers.
- There's, like, 100 breweries out there.
- There's 84.
And a lot of them are very bad.
Some of them, their best brews taste
like the cadaver of a local garbageman.
I say that as a fan.
Did you tell them that?
Yes, I told them that, okay?
It was at a beer expo.
Someone gave me a microphone,
I started riffing,
and people couldn't handle it.
I also had a problem with the fact
that they were letting IPAs
into the competitions.
IPAs are what people drink
when they're all out of good ideas
or never had a good idea to begin with.
- [booing]
- Oh Okay, okay, yeah!
So I submitted an IPA
that had a hallucinogen in it.
You tried to drug everyone?
That's the difference
between you and me.
You try, I succeed.
- [dance music playing]
- [distorted] How's that for an IPA?
[laughing maniacally]
You can't tell,
but I'm giving you all the finger.
So for that reason, I'm no longer allowed
to brew in Portland,
or be in Portland
or be in Oregon. I gotta stay here.
You're a bad person
if you make me leave
frankly.
[sniffs] Oh.
Columbus.
Simcoe, from back home.
Hmm, pretty sure it's Columbus.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but I guess
we can try working together again.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
And this room'll do.
- This It'll do. So, we're good.
- What? No.
The bed feels like the natural spot.
- Oh, yeah.
- Don't!
- Come on, man, that's my spot.
- Sorry about the shoes.
There's so many other spots
you can live.
- I belong here.
- It's my bed.
- It feels like it's my bed.
- You don't wanna sleep there.
I jerk off a lot
- here.
- You want to talk about that right now?
No, I'm just saying, I wouldn't want to,
like, lay in your juice,
- so why would you want to lay
- In my "juice"?
- You want to know what I do?
- No.
I edge myself to orgasm
but once a month.
Twelve times a year. You know math?
And basically, you pleasure yourself
right to the point of climax,
and then you dial it back.
And you do that
every single day for 30 days,
and then right on that last day,
you just explode.
And what you produce is
like a bottle-conditioned saison:
frothy, rich, distinct.
Right now, I'm kinda sensitive
'cause I'm on day nine.
So fermentation has just begun.
I am frickin' amazing.
I convinced the distributor
to come back in a couple weeks,
on two conditions.
One: he's not allowed to talk.
Oh, no.
Two: I promised you'd make a new beer
for him.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- [Sarah laughs]
Sarah, you you're incredible.
I know.
What to brew? What to brew?
What about a lager?
A lager? No, it takes too long to brew.
Not that I've made one
since I was in diapers.
What about a rauch porter?
No. Smoked ale, it's too risky.
What if we make something
that everyone's into, like a hazy IPA?
That's exactly why we shouldn't make it.
Wait, there's different kinds of beers?
Why?
Fine, if it'll make you stop whining,
I'll make something hoppier.
Oh, my God, I'm in LA for one day,
and I'm already selling out.
No, I'm used to making them.
I'm gonna make it.
- You?
- Yeah.
You think you can brew
a better beer than me, Wilhelm the Lesser?
I know I can.
- May the best beer win.
- [scoffs] Okay.
- Can I No.
- [Adam] I'm not gonna fight you.
- You got there after me.
- Unfair.
- [Adam] Let go.
- [Wilhelm] No.
- We're not
- [Adam] Let go of my leg.
[Wilhelm] Why is this vest so slippery?
[instrumental music plays]
[sniffs]
[upbeat rock music plays]
[both sniffing]
Be still, my hairless avenger. [sighs]
Just 15 more sleeps, big guy.
- I can hear you.
- [Adam] No, I know.
You listening
is an important part of the process.
What time are you gonna go paint
that house, you cretin?
- What's a cretin?
- A "cretin" is an idiot.
Typically, cretins don't know
the word "cretin," so
Why would you call a
[Adam] Unbelievable.
- So, is the bat part of your recipe?
- No. But this one is.
Hey, I found my keys
and another bat, Will.
Oh, shit, where's my wallet?
[Adam] Don't go back in.
[sniffs]
Oh, what is that putrid smell?
Right, no, I forgot.
You're brewing as well.
Oh! Acid attack. Oh, my God.
You should go back
to your little monk buddies
and go milling again
'cause this is a ruined batch.
I know what I'm doing, okay?
Oh, that has been disproven
time and again.
Get off of me, shitty beard!
[grunting]
[Sarah]
Nothing like watching two betas fight.
I'm gonna digitally remove their clothes
and sell this in Japan.
Hey, you're just nervous
my beer is gonna be better than yours.
[Adam] I'm never nervous!
- Stay there, you little fish.
- No!
[laughs] Oh, I gotcha!
Do you give up?
- [grunts] Friar Lucas, attack!
- [barks]
[Chuy] Oh, no.
[Adam] Friar Lucas, I'm sensitive.
I'm very sensitive right now, Friar Lucas.
Please don't [moans]
Oh, I'm ticklish. No, no, no, no. Ooh.
[moans]
[grunting] Oh, boy! Oh, it's happening.
[groaning]
[moaning]
[shudders]
[Adam whines] Oh!
What is your problem? Give me that.
- Come on.
- Come on.
[groans] And I'm back to day one.
I prematurely ejaculated
after 29 days. [sighs]
Is that ironic?
Good luck with the distributor today, man.
Thank you, Elvis.
[toilet flushes]
- [groans]
- [sighs]Oh, hey, hold on. Take this.
- I don't want it.
- It's for luck.
It's my gift to you. Take the gift.
Nothing weird about it.
It's just one man
giving another man a sandwich.
Where's that negative energy coming from?
Your aura is wild right now.
- [woman] Your fries.
- Thank you.
- I'm loving these chicken wings
- [Wilhelm] You try it.
- Uh, fingers. Fingers.
- [chuckles]
Rebecckay.
It's Becky.
Yeah, it is.
Ooh, look at you, Field of Dreams.
You have zero chance with Becky.
She and Elvis are like the same person.
Oh, Will, I would not expect you
to understand chemistry.
- Here. I'll give you a free lecture.
- Oh.
- [both moaning, laughing]
- Becky, hey.
Look, I was wondering if I could get
a little mustard.
Thank you. This is relish.
That's good, though.
[both continue panting and moaning]
Chemistry.
She practically stank of sex.
Yeah, because she's currently having it
with her boyfriend.
Hey, guys, the distributor's on his way.
- Shit.
- Oh. Great.
Two brand-new IPAs and zero questions
about the menu from my brother.
- And let's keep it that way.
- [Adam] Hmm.
[takes a deep breath] Okay.
- [gulps, smacks lips]
- [blows air]
[screams] Goal!
[laughing] Chivas scores!
- Chuy, put it away!
- Yup. I have it recorded. It's old.
[inhales sharply] This is really good.
But this beer's fantastic.
I could sell this one.
I want ten kegs of this.
- This is great.
- Ten kegs?
- Yes.
- Ten kegs? He wants ten kegs!
- [Wilhelm] We did it!
- [Sarah cheers] We did it!
- [Chuy] Chivas scores!
- [Sarah] No!
[shouts excitedly]
Ah, congratulations, buddy.
It's your beer.
That is not my beer.
[shouts] We're still laughing.
We're having fun!
I know it wasn't your beer.
I swapped them out at the last second
so that you wouldn't lose your shit
- when my beer won.
- No, no.
- No.
- You said you wouldn't do this.
You're not letting me celebrate
and gloat and have a good time.
No, we have bigger problems now.
I pissed in your beer.
- You what?
- I pissed in your beer.
Guys, I taste a lot of beers.
This is so unique. It's distinctive.
You know what? Let's make it 20 kegs.
I want to put this
in every restaurant possible, all right?
- Yes!
- Oh, my God!
[laughing]
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
You're an imbecile,
and I don't have that much piss.
Mmm! I love it!
Ooh! [shudders]
[theme music playing]
[beer cracks open]