Bridget and Eamon (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 See what's on Two.
.
.
blackcurrant juice disappear first time all of the time.
See what's on One.
He took me to Blackrock Castle.
Go back to Two.
It's just adds.
Go back to One.
So he's got a job and he's at home.
- See what's on Two.
- SHUT UP! Get up Eamon! I've my Tupperware party tonight.
I've only 11 hours to clean the place! I am asleep, Bridget! You're not, Eamon.
Get up! You know what happened to Big Phil couple of weeks ago when Noreen spotted that dust on her curtains.
She died.
- She died of shame.
- She didn't die of shame, Bridget.
She died because she took the cocaine on her 94th birthday for the first time in her life.
That's why she died.
She died of shame.
Same thing.
Ssh.
I want to get the headlines.
I don't have time for this! Get up and mind those kids! - Hi Bridget! - Oh hello Father.
Come in.
Sit down.
Here, have a fry.
Oh lovely.
I've been flicking through the latest trends, just to try and get inspired.
I've a few ideas percolating around my head for something you might wear tonight.
But I have to ask you for the parish newsletter fashion pages.
Are you getting the hair done? Of course I am.
I'm thinking I want something pure modern.
I want loads of body but but not a bouffant.
Something choppy-changey.
Eamon, a quick word about this year's charity box.
We don't want a repeat of what happened last year.
That child, Kuna Ungugu, flew 5,000 miles to personally pick up your Trocaire box and what was in it? What was in it? Semtex.
I've said before, I don't care where you got it from.
The poor starving children need money, Eamon.
Now, get my lips around one of these big boys.
Now.
Sure that's dangerous.
You'd have young lads drowning themselves just so they can get a good feel up from a woman.
What are you doing still here? I don't want you here for my Tupperware party.
Get out.
Have you been inhaling hairspray again? Because I've told you on several occasions, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere.
I can make 20 pounds a week.
Come on in ladies! I hope none of ye left your purses at home.
You're very welcome to the Ð20 a.
.
Sorry.
Plastic shite party.
God, you have to hand it to her.
The sophistication around here.
Look at how clean her curtains are.
She didn't do them herself.
I hear she gets someone else in to do them.
Ladies, Father.
Help yourself to a Mint, Viscount.
Don't be shy.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Noreen, Dolores, Concepta.
Ah yes, the Mint Viscount are very nice indeed but have you tried the other variety? The legends are true.
- Where did you get those? - Mace of course.
Father, will you do the honours? Dear Lord, please bless these Orange Viscount.
We are truly blessed to be feasting upon the Mint Variety but to have the orange flavour is truly an occasion.
In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Ghost.
Eamon! Come here to me! Eamon! Now ladies.
Before I open this box, I just want you to know that no cheap plastic has been used in these products.
They have come all the way from England, don't you know.
Your husbands are going to love them.
There is nothing worse than when a man whips out his banana and it's all smelly.
Great Bridget.
I'll open the box.
What is it Bridget? What's in the box? I'm so sorry ladies.
There must've been a terrible mix-up.
Here, have a valium.
I knew you were into shady stuff with your foil covered biscuits and your notions! - My psoriasis is on fire already! - Have a valium.
I can't believe you made me look at them.
Do you know it's a year in purgatory for every one of them that you see! That's my fecked! I'll be there for years.
But I.
.
Bridget, I need to come in and get some sugar.
I'm sure I have half a teaspoon if I look.
Bridget, I was wondering if it'd at all be possible to purchase, purely for educational purposes, for a friend of mine actually, one of those rubber sleeping bags.
- What? The diving suits.
You know, the tail sheath.
Joybag, French letter.
- What? - Protestant pleasure pack.
A condom!? And money's no object.
You know full well I got the children's allowance this morning.
I'm also willing to part with my signed Johnny.
- A Johnny for a johnny.
- Hide! Hide.
I'll cut to the chase Bridget.
The rubber johnnies, what are they for? A man puts it on when you have.
.
relations.
- Like your cousin? - Sexual relations.
You mean your cousin.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? I'll give you Ð15 for two.
Ð20 for three.
I am disgusted.
You would think I would give you three of those yokes for twenty? Get in there and I'll give you four.
Bridget, I love what you've done under here.
It's just so Falcon Crest.
- I hope I get the same deal as she's getting? - Get in! I was sitting on the corner, just wastin' my time.
When I realised I was the king of the rhyme.
I got on the microphone and what do you see? The rest was my legacy.
I was born to be the king of the be-bop swing.
To have stallions and medallions.
Big diamond rings.
I own a castle and a yacht.
Two million in gold.
'Cause rap is the game that I control.
I'm like Shakespeare.
I'm a pioneer.
Because I made rap something people wanted to hear.
See before my reign it was the same old same.
To the bob with the bob, that's street talking.
So if you ever, let me make this clear.
If you ever think that we're steppin' out of here.
One at a time! How many? 2, 4.
.
12.
12 crackers.
I'll take it up the other end, Frank.
Shut up.
You need them anyway.
You mad yoke.
Bridget! It's back on.
A condom comes in a pack like that.
That is the dreaded object.
- Jesus Christ.
Condoms Bridget.
- What? Condoms.
It's a thundering disgrace.
Look! Like are we supposed to sit and watch this filth? That's a long-sheathed Trojan.
What? I said I'd rather listen to Larry Gogan.
He's great, isn't he.
Who calls to someone's house when The Late Late Show is on? - Someone must be dead.
- Or it's the IRA.
I've a half-naked Fierce Handy Frank at the door, looking for two small ones.
Says if he doesn't get them soon, he's about to explode.
Phew, I thought it was the guards.
He says he wants to talk to you.
Here, give us a few of them quick, will ya.
Before she goes off the boil.
She's after having a blood transfusion and if you look at her from the right angle, doesn't look a day over 70.
Fierce Handy Frank, you must've called to the wrong house.
He's mad.
Now go on out of there and don't look in my bag that's hanging on the door in the hall.
He's gas.
That's very strange.
Why would Fierce Handy Frank be calling during The Late Late Show? And why did you think it was the guards? Oh Eamon.
You see, what happened was a package arrived.
.
I've to stop listening to you.
What's going on in here? Eamon.
This isn't what it looks like.
Okay, so you might look at Dolores and think she's sorting out the multiple boxes into 3 for 20 deals.
Okay, so Concepta might look like she's filtering the small, medium and large.
Okay, you might look at Noreen and see that she may be testing out the fruit flavoured ones on a selection of rolling pins but you couldn't be further from the truth.
What's happening here is.
.
I can't lie to you.
It's true.
I've become a condom dealer and I've hired these bitches to cut down the boxes and I've a dozen dealers on the streets right now, peddling the rubber.
Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.
You have brought shame onto this house.
It's not meself I feel sorry for.
It's the 6 to 8 kids that we have.
They'll be scandalised forever.
I've 12 grand hidden in the Trocaire boxes.
They'll get over it.
I'm almost pr.
.
I'm fierce.
I'm pr.
.
I'm prou.
.
I'm fierce.
.
I'm delighted for you now, I have to say.
I'm delighted for you.
As your dead mother used to say, Bridget, she's not great looking but she's fierce handy to have aroun the place.
God rest her soul, she was dead right.
Eamon, for the last time.
My mother is not dead.
Don't take the shine off this for me Bridget.
Look at that.
It's like children's allowance day every day.
Get down! Do something.
Get rid of him.
I know what to do.
Eamon, I know you're in there.
Oh look Eamon.
Dynasty's on the telly! It's the one where Blake is in his Speedos! He loves Blake.
You're going to have to do something about that cash.
Relax Eamon.
I know all about money laundering.
I gave it a good going over with the Jif before I stuffed it in the boxes.
Good.
Now, under no circumstances are you to spend that money.
We don't want to be drawing attention to ourselves.
The last thing we want around here is the guards, taking the kids off us.
Jesus, worse.
They could take the money off us.
I'm no eejit Eamon.
But look.
We have a bigger problem.
We're out of supplies.
Do you know what that means? We're gonna have.
.
We're gonna have to go.
.
We're gonna have to go up north.
Where? - Up north.
- Where? Northern Ireland, Eamon.
Northern Ireland! Are you out of your tiny mind? I don't speak Northern Irish, neither do you.
They've all got their teeth done.
We'll stand out.
Yoo-hoo! Hello! Hello! Hello! They're not going to understand hello, Bridget.
What about yous! Big bong diddly dong dong, diddly dong.
Jesus Christ Eamon, that could mean anything.
It's better than hello, isn't it.
Are ye here for the condoms? We want to buy condoms.
Look, I don't have time for messing about.
Are yous dealing or not? I don't know what she's saying.
Rubber johnnies.
No baby makers.
No baby.
It's 20 pounds for 100 of them, so it is.
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Give him the money.
Eamon, it's too heavy.
Stop your bloody moaning, Bridget.
Okay, one more.
Just one more.
Bridget! Bridget! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster.
Come on! Put some welly into it.
Faster.
Jesus Christ.
I told you not to smoke when you're pushing the car up a hill.
You'll get a better run on it.
Put on Johnny.
Quick, put on Johnny.
Are you out of your tiny little mind? We're not across the border yet.
I might as well tie a tricolour the roof, throw the condoms out the window and sing 'A Nation Once Again ' at the top of my lungs.
Put him on.
- Do you know what to say now if we're stopped? - Yes.
The boxes are full of communion books for the children and we're going back to the orphanage.
Look, a church.
Bridget, that's a Protestant church.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Eamon, what were we thinking! Smuggling, from the North! Oh my God Eamon.
What's going to happen to us? What's the point of being calm? They're going to shoot us! We'll be shot! The road Bridget.
The road! It's a load of shite.
It can only mean one thing.
We're back in the south! For the last time, hold my now.
Don't cry.
Don't say a word.
It's a wig Bridget.
Well I read in the RTE Guide, it's his own hair.
It's a wig Bridget.
Why would Bosco wear a wig? Why would a grown woman be watching kiddie's programmes? Now, what can I get you? I'll have a pint and she'll have a Midlands Cooler.
What's that again? It's a West Coast Cooler with a Smithwick's head.
You can take it out of that.
I don't want your cash.
- Any chance of some rubbers instead? - Rubbers! Rubbers.
Rubbers.
I think there's one in the kid's pencil case at home.
I had a rubber ducky has a child.
I had a rubber ball growing up.
Isn't it fantastic the amount of legal uses for rubber.
It's fantastic now.
Can I just say, right here, right now.
I've never seen a condom.
Do you know what's great when you're having a conversation and someone totally changes the topic.
- Like.
.
Can ponies smoke? - I know donkeys do.
I'll give you all the drink you want for three strawberry ones.
Do you know Podge.
I never congratulated you on not having to emigrate.
Because there isn't a lot of work at the moment and fair play to you.
Put it there.
There's a banana one in the middle.
I have this funny feeling.
I don't know what it is.
It's happiness, Bridget.
It's happiness.
Oh, I do like watching you in here.
Just the two of us.
I could look at you all night long.
You're a thing of beauty, you know that.
Look at the reception on you.
As a community, we're living way beyond our means.
Before you start your play acting, I know for a fact, it's not your birthday.
Eamon, all the kids are playing on the road.
We've exactly 11 minutes before Dallas starts.
Bridget, we can't.
It's the feast day of the immaculate conception.
I haven't spent 45 minutes shaving my legs not to celebrate.
I want to celebrate so we're going to celebrate! We have 6 to 8 kids already.
If I even breathe on you, you become pregnant.
Like I'm as virile as JR Ewing.
Eamon! We can just use one of these yokes.
It'll stop.
.
you know.
We don't even know how these work.
It could get stuck or explode.
If Concepta can manage them, and this is a woman who put her good delph into the washing machine and now eats her dinner off plates she bought at a petrol station, then so can we.
Turn off the lights! Turn off the lights! - Do you want a hand? - No.
- It's not a tennis racket.
Jesus.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry Eamon.
Will you leave it alone! How does that feel? Very tight.
Hang on, I'll get the medium.
No, that's the medium.
I can't breathe properly in this.
I can't breathe properly.
Eamon, I don't care.
You won't need your nose where you're going.
So stop your moaning and horse it into me.
Can a man not try the withdrawal method in his own home? Do you now who's a great woman, Bridget? The Queen.
I don't understand why she gets such bad press over here.
- She's a fine bit of stuff.
- Do you want tea? No.
I'll have a coffee.
A coffee? I had the strangest dream last night.
I dreamt that I won the All Ireland.
The hurling or the football? Cricket.
And I actually think I enjoyed myself.
Eamon, I once said I liked the look of that cricketer with the moustache and you made me sleep in the shed for a week.
Mm, nice coffee.
I must get the recipe off you.
Yes I know.
Ever since our incident with the you know whats, I've been feeling quite strange.
Eamon, don't be silly.
I'm not doing any spuds tonight.
No.
I think I'm going to do something different.
A pie or something.
No spuds.
A pie.
Would you like to try some of this beautiful Oxford lunch cake I baked? Step away from the Oxford lunch.
What? Bridget, put down the Oxford lunch.
What in the Prince Charles is wrong with you? I'm wearing a turtle neck.
You haven't boiled any potatoes today.
We're turning Protestant! No, it's not use.
She's gone.
Say your goodbyes.
Be all off to live with your mental aunty in the morning.
Here, you might as well take these.
She's not use for them.
I just remembered.
It's our turn to have Father Gabe around for Sunday lunch.
Take that turtle neck off you.
We'll take him into the good room.
We don't even have a good.
.
Don't you even breathe in there! Now, here we are father.
Oh Bridget.
- This must be the good room.
- What? Oh no.
This is the old room.
Sure we use this all the time.
Isn't that right Eamon.
A good room.
Sure that sounds like something a Protestant would do.
There's definitely none of those in here.
- No.
- No.
No.
Definitely not.
You're not a Protestant.
I'm not a Protestant.
You're definitely not a Protestant.
No Protestants in here.
Just the way I like it.
Well in fairness, I've met some fine Protestants.
They're not all bad.
There's the phone.
- We don't have a phone.
- Shut up.
I told you you shouldn't have looked him in the eye.
If you spill a drop of that gravy in there! What Bridget, what? We're going to end up in hell for all eternity anyway.
More potatoes Father? D'ya know who is a great woman? Our Lady, the Catholic Virgin Mary.
She is just brilliant.
I'm often saying it to Bridget.
Oh he is.
I do be getting fierce jealous.
He's always like, you should get your hair like her.
You know what? I think I might.
You'd give up the choppy/changey Bridget? Eh, do you know what's great and not boring at all.
The Letters of St.
Paul to the Corinthians.
They're brilliant.
It's just brilliant.
Really? Because I don't recall seeing ye two at mass today.
The truth is Father, we've been keeping something from you.
Bridget's done something stupid and as a result, Now there's loads of money in the Trocaire box.
OH! There must be two pounds in here! Three pounds and 27 pence.
Jesus Christ, you've broken parish records.
I knew if I kept at you, it'd pay off.
Three whole pounds.
And 27 pence.
This calls for a celebration.
Tia Maria! No, no, no! Heavens above.
There must be at least.
.
37,489 pounds.
Gone because of your notions and your stupid Tupperware parties.
Look on the bright side.
Aren't all the condoms out of the house and no-one got hurt.
No-one got hurt? We turned Proddy, Bridget.
Once you go Protestant you can't go back.
We've 6 to 8 kid.
Have you ever seen a Protestant family with 6 to 8 kids? We're going to have to get rid of 7 of them.
Father Gabriel, how am I going to tell him? You know how sensitive he is.
Hold on.
I'm pregnant.
We're cured.
Is that it? What are you doing? I'm practicing for my party.
No more parties! Not after your plastic shite one.
Look at all the trouble it got us into.
No Eamon, this is different.
Noreen said it's great fun.
It's called a swingers party.
I'm not bringing in them swings again.
No, you dope.
You don't bring a swing in here.
Noreen said all you need is a glass bowl, some keys and some oily lubricant.
Right.
As long as everyone goes home early, I want to be in bed by ten o'clock.
Oh, Noreen said you'll be in bed along with her Phil at half past eight.
.
.
blackcurrant juice disappear first time all of the time.
See what's on One.
He took me to Blackrock Castle.
Go back to Two.
It's just adds.
Go back to One.
So he's got a job and he's at home.
- See what's on Two.
- SHUT UP! Get up Eamon! I've my Tupperware party tonight.
I've only 11 hours to clean the place! I am asleep, Bridget! You're not, Eamon.
Get up! You know what happened to Big Phil couple of weeks ago when Noreen spotted that dust on her curtains.
She died.
- She died of shame.
- She didn't die of shame, Bridget.
She died because she took the cocaine on her 94th birthday for the first time in her life.
That's why she died.
She died of shame.
Same thing.
Ssh.
I want to get the headlines.
I don't have time for this! Get up and mind those kids! - Hi Bridget! - Oh hello Father.
Come in.
Sit down.
Here, have a fry.
Oh lovely.
I've been flicking through the latest trends, just to try and get inspired.
I've a few ideas percolating around my head for something you might wear tonight.
But I have to ask you for the parish newsletter fashion pages.
Are you getting the hair done? Of course I am.
I'm thinking I want something pure modern.
I want loads of body but but not a bouffant.
Something choppy-changey.
Eamon, a quick word about this year's charity box.
We don't want a repeat of what happened last year.
That child, Kuna Ungugu, flew 5,000 miles to personally pick up your Trocaire box and what was in it? What was in it? Semtex.
I've said before, I don't care where you got it from.
The poor starving children need money, Eamon.
Now, get my lips around one of these big boys.
Now.
Sure that's dangerous.
You'd have young lads drowning themselves just so they can get a good feel up from a woman.
What are you doing still here? I don't want you here for my Tupperware party.
Get out.
Have you been inhaling hairspray again? Because I've told you on several occasions, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere.
I can make 20 pounds a week.
Come on in ladies! I hope none of ye left your purses at home.
You're very welcome to the Ð20 a.
.
Sorry.
Plastic shite party.
God, you have to hand it to her.
The sophistication around here.
Look at how clean her curtains are.
She didn't do them herself.
I hear she gets someone else in to do them.
Ladies, Father.
Help yourself to a Mint, Viscount.
Don't be shy.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Noreen, Dolores, Concepta.
Ah yes, the Mint Viscount are very nice indeed but have you tried the other variety? The legends are true.
- Where did you get those? - Mace of course.
Father, will you do the honours? Dear Lord, please bless these Orange Viscount.
We are truly blessed to be feasting upon the Mint Variety but to have the orange flavour is truly an occasion.
In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Ghost.
Eamon! Come here to me! Eamon! Now ladies.
Before I open this box, I just want you to know that no cheap plastic has been used in these products.
They have come all the way from England, don't you know.
Your husbands are going to love them.
There is nothing worse than when a man whips out his banana and it's all smelly.
Great Bridget.
I'll open the box.
What is it Bridget? What's in the box? I'm so sorry ladies.
There must've been a terrible mix-up.
Here, have a valium.
I knew you were into shady stuff with your foil covered biscuits and your notions! - My psoriasis is on fire already! - Have a valium.
I can't believe you made me look at them.
Do you know it's a year in purgatory for every one of them that you see! That's my fecked! I'll be there for years.
But I.
.
Bridget, I need to come in and get some sugar.
I'm sure I have half a teaspoon if I look.
Bridget, I was wondering if it'd at all be possible to purchase, purely for educational purposes, for a friend of mine actually, one of those rubber sleeping bags.
- What? The diving suits.
You know, the tail sheath.
Joybag, French letter.
- What? - Protestant pleasure pack.
A condom!? And money's no object.
You know full well I got the children's allowance this morning.
I'm also willing to part with my signed Johnny.
- A Johnny for a johnny.
- Hide! Hide.
I'll cut to the chase Bridget.
The rubber johnnies, what are they for? A man puts it on when you have.
.
relations.
- Like your cousin? - Sexual relations.
You mean your cousin.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? I'll give you Ð15 for two.
Ð20 for three.
I am disgusted.
You would think I would give you three of those yokes for twenty? Get in there and I'll give you four.
Bridget, I love what you've done under here.
It's just so Falcon Crest.
- I hope I get the same deal as she's getting? - Get in! I was sitting on the corner, just wastin' my time.
When I realised I was the king of the rhyme.
I got on the microphone and what do you see? The rest was my legacy.
I was born to be the king of the be-bop swing.
To have stallions and medallions.
Big diamond rings.
I own a castle and a yacht.
Two million in gold.
'Cause rap is the game that I control.
I'm like Shakespeare.
I'm a pioneer.
Because I made rap something people wanted to hear.
See before my reign it was the same old same.
To the bob with the bob, that's street talking.
So if you ever, let me make this clear.
If you ever think that we're steppin' out of here.
One at a time! How many? 2, 4.
.
12.
12 crackers.
I'll take it up the other end, Frank.
Shut up.
You need them anyway.
You mad yoke.
Bridget! It's back on.
A condom comes in a pack like that.
That is the dreaded object.
- Jesus Christ.
Condoms Bridget.
- What? Condoms.
It's a thundering disgrace.
Look! Like are we supposed to sit and watch this filth? That's a long-sheathed Trojan.
What? I said I'd rather listen to Larry Gogan.
He's great, isn't he.
Who calls to someone's house when The Late Late Show is on? - Someone must be dead.
- Or it's the IRA.
I've a half-naked Fierce Handy Frank at the door, looking for two small ones.
Says if he doesn't get them soon, he's about to explode.
Phew, I thought it was the guards.
He says he wants to talk to you.
Here, give us a few of them quick, will ya.
Before she goes off the boil.
She's after having a blood transfusion and if you look at her from the right angle, doesn't look a day over 70.
Fierce Handy Frank, you must've called to the wrong house.
He's mad.
Now go on out of there and don't look in my bag that's hanging on the door in the hall.
He's gas.
That's very strange.
Why would Fierce Handy Frank be calling during The Late Late Show? And why did you think it was the guards? Oh Eamon.
You see, what happened was a package arrived.
.
I've to stop listening to you.
What's going on in here? Eamon.
This isn't what it looks like.
Okay, so you might look at Dolores and think she's sorting out the multiple boxes into 3 for 20 deals.
Okay, so Concepta might look like she's filtering the small, medium and large.
Okay, you might look at Noreen and see that she may be testing out the fruit flavoured ones on a selection of rolling pins but you couldn't be further from the truth.
What's happening here is.
.
I can't lie to you.
It's true.
I've become a condom dealer and I've hired these bitches to cut down the boxes and I've a dozen dealers on the streets right now, peddling the rubber.
Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.
You have brought shame onto this house.
It's not meself I feel sorry for.
It's the 6 to 8 kids that we have.
They'll be scandalised forever.
I've 12 grand hidden in the Trocaire boxes.
They'll get over it.
I'm almost pr.
.
I'm fierce.
I'm pr.
.
I'm prou.
.
I'm fierce.
.
I'm delighted for you now, I have to say.
I'm delighted for you.
As your dead mother used to say, Bridget, she's not great looking but she's fierce handy to have aroun the place.
God rest her soul, she was dead right.
Eamon, for the last time.
My mother is not dead.
Don't take the shine off this for me Bridget.
Look at that.
It's like children's allowance day every day.
Get down! Do something.
Get rid of him.
I know what to do.
Eamon, I know you're in there.
Oh look Eamon.
Dynasty's on the telly! It's the one where Blake is in his Speedos! He loves Blake.
You're going to have to do something about that cash.
Relax Eamon.
I know all about money laundering.
I gave it a good going over with the Jif before I stuffed it in the boxes.
Good.
Now, under no circumstances are you to spend that money.
We don't want to be drawing attention to ourselves.
The last thing we want around here is the guards, taking the kids off us.
Jesus, worse.
They could take the money off us.
I'm no eejit Eamon.
But look.
We have a bigger problem.
We're out of supplies.
Do you know what that means? We're gonna have.
.
We're gonna have to go.
.
We're gonna have to go up north.
Where? - Up north.
- Where? Northern Ireland, Eamon.
Northern Ireland! Are you out of your tiny mind? I don't speak Northern Irish, neither do you.
They've all got their teeth done.
We'll stand out.
Yoo-hoo! Hello! Hello! Hello! They're not going to understand hello, Bridget.
What about yous! Big bong diddly dong dong, diddly dong.
Jesus Christ Eamon, that could mean anything.
It's better than hello, isn't it.
Are ye here for the condoms? We want to buy condoms.
Look, I don't have time for messing about.
Are yous dealing or not? I don't know what she's saying.
Rubber johnnies.
No baby makers.
No baby.
It's 20 pounds for 100 of them, so it is.
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Give him the money.
Eamon, it's too heavy.
Stop your bloody moaning, Bridget.
Okay, one more.
Just one more.
Bridget! Bridget! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster.
Come on! Put some welly into it.
Faster.
Jesus Christ.
I told you not to smoke when you're pushing the car up a hill.
You'll get a better run on it.
Put on Johnny.
Quick, put on Johnny.
Are you out of your tiny little mind? We're not across the border yet.
I might as well tie a tricolour the roof, throw the condoms out the window and sing 'A Nation Once Again ' at the top of my lungs.
Put him on.
- Do you know what to say now if we're stopped? - Yes.
The boxes are full of communion books for the children and we're going back to the orphanage.
Look, a church.
Bridget, that's a Protestant church.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Eamon, what were we thinking! Smuggling, from the North! Oh my God Eamon.
What's going to happen to us? What's the point of being calm? They're going to shoot us! We'll be shot! The road Bridget.
The road! It's a load of shite.
It can only mean one thing.
We're back in the south! For the last time, hold my now.
Don't cry.
Don't say a word.
It's a wig Bridget.
Well I read in the RTE Guide, it's his own hair.
It's a wig Bridget.
Why would Bosco wear a wig? Why would a grown woman be watching kiddie's programmes? Now, what can I get you? I'll have a pint and she'll have a Midlands Cooler.
What's that again? It's a West Coast Cooler with a Smithwick's head.
You can take it out of that.
I don't want your cash.
- Any chance of some rubbers instead? - Rubbers! Rubbers.
Rubbers.
I think there's one in the kid's pencil case at home.
I had a rubber ducky has a child.
I had a rubber ball growing up.
Isn't it fantastic the amount of legal uses for rubber.
It's fantastic now.
Can I just say, right here, right now.
I've never seen a condom.
Do you know what's great when you're having a conversation and someone totally changes the topic.
- Like.
.
Can ponies smoke? - I know donkeys do.
I'll give you all the drink you want for three strawberry ones.
Do you know Podge.
I never congratulated you on not having to emigrate.
Because there isn't a lot of work at the moment and fair play to you.
Put it there.
There's a banana one in the middle.
I have this funny feeling.
I don't know what it is.
It's happiness, Bridget.
It's happiness.
Oh, I do like watching you in here.
Just the two of us.
I could look at you all night long.
You're a thing of beauty, you know that.
Look at the reception on you.
As a community, we're living way beyond our means.
Before you start your play acting, I know for a fact, it's not your birthday.
Eamon, all the kids are playing on the road.
We've exactly 11 minutes before Dallas starts.
Bridget, we can't.
It's the feast day of the immaculate conception.
I haven't spent 45 minutes shaving my legs not to celebrate.
I want to celebrate so we're going to celebrate! We have 6 to 8 kids already.
If I even breathe on you, you become pregnant.
Like I'm as virile as JR Ewing.
Eamon! We can just use one of these yokes.
It'll stop.
.
you know.
We don't even know how these work.
It could get stuck or explode.
If Concepta can manage them, and this is a woman who put her good delph into the washing machine and now eats her dinner off plates she bought at a petrol station, then so can we.
Turn off the lights! Turn off the lights! - Do you want a hand? - No.
- It's not a tennis racket.
Jesus.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry Eamon.
Will you leave it alone! How does that feel? Very tight.
Hang on, I'll get the medium.
No, that's the medium.
I can't breathe properly in this.
I can't breathe properly.
Eamon, I don't care.
You won't need your nose where you're going.
So stop your moaning and horse it into me.
Can a man not try the withdrawal method in his own home? Do you now who's a great woman, Bridget? The Queen.
I don't understand why she gets such bad press over here.
- She's a fine bit of stuff.
- Do you want tea? No.
I'll have a coffee.
A coffee? I had the strangest dream last night.
I dreamt that I won the All Ireland.
The hurling or the football? Cricket.
And I actually think I enjoyed myself.
Eamon, I once said I liked the look of that cricketer with the moustache and you made me sleep in the shed for a week.
Mm, nice coffee.
I must get the recipe off you.
Yes I know.
Ever since our incident with the you know whats, I've been feeling quite strange.
Eamon, don't be silly.
I'm not doing any spuds tonight.
No.
I think I'm going to do something different.
A pie or something.
No spuds.
A pie.
Would you like to try some of this beautiful Oxford lunch cake I baked? Step away from the Oxford lunch.
What? Bridget, put down the Oxford lunch.
What in the Prince Charles is wrong with you? I'm wearing a turtle neck.
You haven't boiled any potatoes today.
We're turning Protestant! No, it's not use.
She's gone.
Say your goodbyes.
Be all off to live with your mental aunty in the morning.
Here, you might as well take these.
She's not use for them.
I just remembered.
It's our turn to have Father Gabe around for Sunday lunch.
Take that turtle neck off you.
We'll take him into the good room.
We don't even have a good.
.
Don't you even breathe in there! Now, here we are father.
Oh Bridget.
- This must be the good room.
- What? Oh no.
This is the old room.
Sure we use this all the time.
Isn't that right Eamon.
A good room.
Sure that sounds like something a Protestant would do.
There's definitely none of those in here.
- No.
- No.
No.
Definitely not.
You're not a Protestant.
I'm not a Protestant.
You're definitely not a Protestant.
No Protestants in here.
Just the way I like it.
Well in fairness, I've met some fine Protestants.
They're not all bad.
There's the phone.
- We don't have a phone.
- Shut up.
I told you you shouldn't have looked him in the eye.
If you spill a drop of that gravy in there! What Bridget, what? We're going to end up in hell for all eternity anyway.
More potatoes Father? D'ya know who is a great woman? Our Lady, the Catholic Virgin Mary.
She is just brilliant.
I'm often saying it to Bridget.
Oh he is.
I do be getting fierce jealous.
He's always like, you should get your hair like her.
You know what? I think I might.
You'd give up the choppy/changey Bridget? Eh, do you know what's great and not boring at all.
The Letters of St.
Paul to the Corinthians.
They're brilliant.
It's just brilliant.
Really? Because I don't recall seeing ye two at mass today.
The truth is Father, we've been keeping something from you.
Bridget's done something stupid and as a result, Now there's loads of money in the Trocaire box.
OH! There must be two pounds in here! Three pounds and 27 pence.
Jesus Christ, you've broken parish records.
I knew if I kept at you, it'd pay off.
Three whole pounds.
And 27 pence.
This calls for a celebration.
Tia Maria! No, no, no! Heavens above.
There must be at least.
.
37,489 pounds.
Gone because of your notions and your stupid Tupperware parties.
Look on the bright side.
Aren't all the condoms out of the house and no-one got hurt.
No-one got hurt? We turned Proddy, Bridget.
Once you go Protestant you can't go back.
We've 6 to 8 kid.
Have you ever seen a Protestant family with 6 to 8 kids? We're going to have to get rid of 7 of them.
Father Gabriel, how am I going to tell him? You know how sensitive he is.
Hold on.
I'm pregnant.
We're cured.
Is that it? What are you doing? I'm practicing for my party.
No more parties! Not after your plastic shite one.
Look at all the trouble it got us into.
No Eamon, this is different.
Noreen said it's great fun.
It's called a swingers party.
I'm not bringing in them swings again.
No, you dope.
You don't bring a swing in here.
Noreen said all you need is a glass bowl, some keys and some oily lubricant.
Right.
As long as everyone goes home early, I want to be in bed by ten o'clock.
Oh, Noreen said you'll be in bed along with her Phil at half past eight.