Britannia (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [MAN.]
Dangoset bridd dangoset haul.
Datgel imi.
A Beth all fynd.
[EXHALES.]
[CROW CAWS.]
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING.]
Oh, shit.
[THUNDER ROLLS.]
[SOLDIERS YELLING ORDERS.]
All right, who wants to go first? In a few hours time, 400 ships will set sail for Britannia.
20,000 men or to be more precise, 19,996, because you four didn't fancy it thought you'd desert your posts and make a run for it.
What was it, eh? The weather? [MAN.]
Britannia is a cursed land ruled by the dead.
The forests are filled with demons a devil's army.
They feast on human flesh.
The sea swarms with serpents.
Giant squid.
Well, that sounds scary, doesn't it, Lucius? Sounds awful.
We've all heard those stories.
[LUCIUS.]
Enough to give you nightmares.
When you joined this army, you swore an oath.
Anyone remember what it was? [MAN.]
To faithfully execute all that the Emperor commands, to never desert the Legion [GENERAL.]
Never desert the Legion unless, of course, the enemy was a bit scary.
Hmm? Unless there was a fucking giant squid.
We're not the only ones.
Half the legion don't want it.
[MAN.]
There's going to be a mutiny.
As soon as you're in country, they're going to do you, and him What's the punishment for desertion, Lucius? [LUCIUS.]
Death by stoning to be carried out by the same legion whose lives have been endangered by fell cowardice.
Please, General.
Have mercy [MAN.]
Have mercy.
Have mercy, General.
Mercy.
I don't want to wake up an entire legion, march them off these ships in this pissing rain just so they can stone you four to death.
So I will show mercy.
Whichever one of you cuts the other three's throats, I'll let that man go.
What? - Lucius? - [LUCIUS.]
Loud and clear, General.
Loud and clear.
- I'll do it.
- [MAN.]
What? - Give me the knife.
- You're my cousin! - Give me the knife! - Let me do it.
Give me the knife! I'll do it.
Give me the knife.
- Give me the knife.
- Silence! You're a bit quiet.
What's the matter? You don't fancy it? I made a mistake.
I was weak.
I accept my punishment.
What do you think, Lucius? Does he look weak to you? Does he, fuck! He's got muscles on his piss.
[GENERAL.]
I'm going to need men like you when we get over there.
So what do you say? Second chance? Hmm? I'll be outside.
No, don't do it, Antonius.
You don't do it, Antonius.
[MAN.]
He's crazy! Don't do what he says.
Stick together, please, brother! We're brothers! [SCREAMING.]
No! Please! No! Well, look at that rain.
Let's leave it a couple of days, shall we? Wait for the storm to break? This is our time.
Trust me.
[SCREAMING FROM INSIDE THE TENT.]
When we spy land, the wind will drop, the waves will vanish, and we'll drop anchor in perfect sunshine.
What makes you so sure of that? Because I'm lucky.
We all done in there? Are you ready for Britannia? Aye, General.
Well, let's get on that fucking boat.
[THUNDER ROLLS, WAVES CRASH.]
Thrown like a star in my vast sleep I opened my eyes to take a peek To find that I was by the sea Gazing with tranquility 'Twas then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man came Singing songs of love Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man came Singing songs of love "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy-gurdy," he sang "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy-gurdy," he sang [EXCITED CHATTER.]
[ELDER.]
Tonight, at the Solstice, you will be girls no more.
You will choose a new name, and the gods will know you by it.
[CHILD.]
When will I talk to her again? [WOMAN.]
When the Solstice has passed, not before.
And if she speaks to you she will disappear forever.
[WAVES CRASH.]
[LAUGHING.]
[GAGS.]
I'll stop if you ask.
You have to ask, though.
[SPITS, CHOKES.]
Stop! You spoke.
[LAUGHS.]
Your face! Even the gods don't see everything.
[WHISPERING.]
If I speak to you, I disappear.
- Still here.
- Islene! What are you doing? [ISLENE.]
Mum bought me here, when my face was painted white, day before my Solstice to speak to me.
What did she say? Lots of things.
The thing I remember was, "You don't have to do everything Dad says.
" She said he's a good man, but he has a way of sticking to things, even if they don't make him happy.
[GIRL.]
Mum didn't listen to Dad? She listened.
Then she did what she wanted.
Did Dad know that? All men know that.
They just don't like to talk about it.
So, come on.
Ask me.
Anything you like.
Do you miss being a girl? Being a girl is the best thing in the world until you become a woman.
Then the gods add something something amazing.
Being a girl is definitely easier, but being a woman, if you stay sharp, put the work in Does it hurt? I mean the knife, when they cut your tummy.
No.
You're somewhere else.
You have the smoke spirit inside you.
What's that like? You'll find out tonight.
It's like nothing you've ever felt before.
Cait, truth is you're just going to have to pass through it all.
I'll see you on the other side of the ritual, and the first thing we'll do remember? We'll go hunting together.
First thing.
I promise.
Take that tongue out your mouth.
It doesn't belong to you.
- Please forgive me coming here, Willa.
- Don't say my name.
Don't look at me.
Look at the earth.
What's the matter? You had enough of life? You want us to put you out of your pain? I need to speak to Veran.
I need to warn him.
Why don't you speak to me? I need to speak to Veran! Why don't you speak to me? For weeks now no, for months from dawn until night and beyond it's in my dreams too.
Slow down.
There's been signs.
I've checked them all.
The rivers and the sun I stared into both.
The sparrows and the [WILLA.]
What are you jabbering about? You see, the moon the moon still speaks to me, and now it has the same voice as the sparrows and the same voice as the river and the same voice as the badgers and the frogs.
Everything is speaking in one voice but the sun won't speak to me but everything else in the same voice the same clear voice saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.
What does the voice say? That tonight, at the Solstice What about the Solstice? The sun will not rise tomorrow.
The sun will not rise tomorrow.
The sun will not rise tomorrow! The sun will not rise tomorrow! Outcast.
You knew better than to come here.
If you want to play games, the Druids are ready.
You listen carefully.
If you ever ever come here again I will eat your eyes.
Is that clear? Get out.
[MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH.]
[EXHALES.]
[GASPING.]
[ELDER.]
The girl must die so the woman can live.
[EXHALES.]
[DRUMMING.]
[CAIT.]
I put my trust in the Goddess, who watches down on me this solstice night.
Have you chosen a name? Don't speak it.
It must be known only to you and the Goddess.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
Don't be scared.
You have wings.
I can see them.
Father.
[ELDER.]
Cait is gone.
[CAIT.]
When I was cold, you kept me warm.
When I wept, you comforted me.
I am of the Earth because of you.
Because of you, I belong and when you are a child again, weak, helpless, I will protect you.
I will protect you.
Tell us your name, sister.
Who are you? [STRANGE DRONING, YELLING.]
What's wrong? [DISTANT YELLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Run! [GRUNTING, YELLING.]
Come on! [SOLDIER.]
Charge! [SOLDIER.]
Loose! [SCREAMING.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING, YELLING.]
Father, no! [VILLAGERS SCREAMING.]
Take them off.
Go! [GRUNTING.]
[CAIT SCREAMS.]
[ISLENE GASPS.]
No! [CAIT, SCREAMING.]
No! Islene! Islene! Islene! Islene! Islene! [SCREAMING.]
Islene! [SCREAMS, PANTS.]
[MUFFLED SOBS.]
[SOLDIERS SHOUTING ORDERS.]
General! Behold gods of Britannia! I am Rome, and where I walk is Rome.
Come on Come on, show up.
They're here.
On this our Solstice, I, Pellenor, accept this gift from your noble tribe.
I, Antedia, also accept this gift.
From yours.
Well, at least the rain held off.
You're ready.
Yes, Uncle.
A wedding is the happiest day in a man's life.
For me, it was the last, but anyway.
Congratulations.
Off you go.
Is it not comfortable? I am comfortable.
Now.
Hear this, Pellenor, scum, coward! I shit on the souls of your dead! I'll drink your blood before I'll let it pollute mine! Go! Father, go! Lindon! Get the girl! Defend the king! Where am I? Was it was it a dream? No.
No, no, no [WEEPS.]
Stop crying.
Stop crying.
No.
Listen at your home, is there valuables? Coins? Silver? Cloth? Anything that got passed down in a secret place? [CRIES.]
Stay close.
Keep quiet.
No, no, no no, no, no, no, no! Grand-dad? [GASPS.]
[TEARFUL.]
Grand-dad This is it.
Lovely.
[CRIES.]
What was I thinking of? Listening to that bitch Antedia, on my fucking knees.
Father, I am certain It was too soon, Phelan.
I should never have listened to you.
Why were you there? I forbade it.
This war with the Regni will rage for generations, thanks to you! Listen very carefully.
You will not leave here again without my permission.
Is that clear? So I am your prisoner now.
Is that clear? [HUSHES.]
Very.
So your genius plan failed.
This was our only route to peace.
You show me another.
You know, when we first met, I thought, "There's a smart one.
It's not all black and white with him.
" As the years went by, after all those compromises, all those bright ideas, soon, instead of black and white, it's murky Grey.
Please.
Before you know it, you're stuck up to your neck in murky Grey shit.
Amena, did I say? Lindon is missing.
He was ordered to stay back and hold the field.
He hasn't returned.
Who gave the order? Ooh, uh that would have been - me.
- Mm.
Bloody good of him, though, wasn't it? Staying back, all alone hold the fort.
Just him, against all those Regni.
What a man, mm? What a man.
Trust me, husband you don't know what a man is.
[PHELAN.]
I'll speak to Father.
He may relent, given time.
He would rather I was dead.
No harm will ever come to you not while I'm alive.
Remember that.
Gorffwys frawd a dychwel i'r Ddaear.
This is all my fault.
I broke the oath.
My sister and me, we went down to the beach and When? Last night.
We spoke to each other.
You know it's forbidden for The Betwixt to speak.
Islene said It doesn't really matter what she said, does it? Point is, she wasn't supposed to say anything.
No wonder she's dead.
I don't have time for this.
There's a cave a few miles across the river.
It's protected by strong spirits.
Good luck.
[SOBS.]
I'll take you as far as the river, but then, you're on your own but the cat stays.
Take it or leave it.
The cat stays, but do it now.
Oh, come on.
[CAT MEOWS.]
[SOBS.]
Listen to me.
When catastrophes come, it's easy to blame yourself.
It's natural, but what's happening here, all of this, is not your fault.
It's not about you.
It's not about It's not about you.
It's about me.
Good.
[THUMPS HER BACK.]
Let's go.
Word of advice.
Don't look 'em in the eye.
What? Trust me.
Not a good idea.
Here, take over.
[GENERAL.]
All well, Legionary? Forgive me, General.
You taken a dump yet? Not yet, General.
My first commander told me that you're not really in the territory 'til you've had a good dump.
Let the enemy know you're here.
He also told me when you kill a man, his weight falls upon you everything he was, everything he now will never be and if you try to carry that weight, you'll tire.
Soon, you'll be unable to move, to hold your sword, and sure enough, the man you fought the man you trained so hard to defeat, to vanquish he has vanquished you.
- What's your name? - Antonius.
Well, Antonius I suggest you grab a handful of those leaves and go and make your mark, and then get back to your post.
Aye, General.
Mars, hear me.
Make me strong this day to see the moon this night.
Make my hand and mind strong.
Hear me, Mars.
Hear me.
[GROANS.]
Say goodbye to your Cantii balls.
[GRUNTS.]
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
[MARCHING, YELLING GROWS LOUDER.]
[LINDON.]
All I know is I never saw such an army.
War horses, iron wagons, more spearmen than I ever faced on any field.
Could they have been barbarians? I have fought barbarians, and I know what a Roman war party looks like.
[AMENA.]
Seems our war with the Regni is small beer now.
[PELLENOR.]
Have you ever seen a Roman war party? [AMENA.]
Perhaps this puts your own misdemeanors into perspective.
If the Romans had built boats across the water, we would have known.
You know my heart has always been with you on these problems with your father.
I just want you to know that when your brother is king, things will be different for you.
So I should look forward to the death of my own father? An invasion with thousands of men At least Lindon is safely returned.
We have the gods to thank for that.
[PHELAN.]
Unless they brought their own slaves, and bribed our spies.
[AMENA.]
Husband! [AMENA.]
Thank the Gods you're safe.
My King, may I take your brave servant and tend to his wounds? - Very well.
- Come, husband.
You are safe now.
Send out our best scouts.
We need information.
Let me go.
You will remain here.
We are blind.
We need every eye Leave this hall.
[GENERAL.]
Battle joined at midnight.
Scant resistance met.
Locerly Cross captured.
60 prisoners taken.
[LUCIUS.]
General! We met messengers from the northern landings.
The cavalry units established beach heads all along the estuary.
Tell Vespasian we're heading in-country.
And our supply lines back to the ships? There's more than enough food and slaves.
We go inland, dig in.
Two or three days, the cavalry units can catch us up.
By that time, we'll have the measure of the counter-attack.
How are the men? Shitting themselves.
The general consensus is that we've just invaded Hell.
There's a river and level ground four miles north-east.
We can be there by noon and have ditches dug by sunset.
Carry on, Praefectus.
Legate.
What of the missing legionary? We've searched.
No sign of him.
Interesting.
Give the order to move out.
General.
Company! Move out! Sir! - Keep your mouth shut.
- [PRISONER.]
I have two daughters.
Are they safe? Where are they? Please! Sir! Where are my daughters? [CAIT.]
Why did you save me last night? [OUTCAST.]
I didn't save you.
There were arrows.
I used you as cover.
You're small.
Then I thought your father might have something stashed away, but that was a total dead end.
It was a mistake.
When we reach the river, you're on your own.
What's a Roman? You salt farmers are even more ignorant than I thought.
The Romans are devils.
They're the foot soldiers of Lokka, the Great Earth Demon.
They started in a place called Rome.
What's Rome? Rome is one of the seven mouths of Hell.
Basically, it was just some god-forsaken shithole in the middle of nowhere, but Lokka came up from the Underworld and made it his home on Earth, and he filled it with his power, and it grew and grew and grew, and now Rome spreads all the way across the whole world even here.
[DISTANT MARCHING.]
That's nice.
Welcoming.
I don't like these faces in the trees.
Take your best riders.
Lead an advance party.
First sign of trouble, sound the bugle.
Leander! Cassius! Aelius! Ho! [CAIT.]
How many are there? [OUTCAST.]
Around 20,000 with more on the way.
How do you know? Because I went to the Underworld, and I spoke to some people I know there, people who can see everything, and they told me.
You went to the Underworld? Yesterday.
It's a long story one I'm forbidden to tell you.
Can you take me there? No.
Absolutely not.
Never.
But Islene is there and Grandfather.
You have to take me to them.
No, I don't.
But I could see them again.
I don't care.
If you had any idea what it takes to make that journey, you wouldn't ask such a stupid question.
But I didn't get to say goodbye.
I'm not going to risk my life so you can say goodbye to your dead grand-dad or your sister.
They're dead.
Get used to it.
You bastard.
No, no, no, no.
You want to see them, you got all you need right there, but I'm sure as hell not taking you.
I hate you.
I'm not that fond of you either.
[DRUID, ECHOING.]
Does dim i'w ofni.
Fe'u gyrrwn yn ol i'r heli fel y tro diwethaf.
Nid ofnaf hwy.
Ond Ni fydd pethau fel y tro diwethaf.
Rhaid Cael ffydd.
Adnabyddwn hwythau yn well nag adnabyddai hwythau Eu hunain.
Cytunwn Ar hynny.
[GENERAL.]
Notice anything odd about our landing yesterday? Apart from the knocking of knees and the overpowering smell of shite? Nine decades ago, when Caesar landed, the Celts were waiting on the beach in their thousands.
Yesterday, not a single Celt was there to greet us.
We march 50,000 men clear across Gaul, spend six weeks at the coast, quelling mutiny after mutiny, and still no word gets through.
Tell you anything? The tribes are divided.
We knew that.
I'll wager not a single Celt knew we were coming.
We've met no organized resistance inland.
This place is at war with itself.
[COUGHS.]
What's this? This black.
What's that? Mother and Father were Numidian.
[BLOWS.]
[COUGHS.]
Why do you fight for Rome? Because I am Roman.
[SLIGHT CRACKING.]
So Romans come and they take your land, and they steal your gold, and they rape your women, and then you join them? You worship Roman gods or Numidian gods? I worship Roman gods.
Yes, but you were praying to Mars this morning.
Is Mars the one you pray to when you're afraid? - I'm not afraid.
- But when you are afraid? I wonder if you have another, more private protector, one that Mars doesn't know about.
- No.
- Are you sure? Because, Numidia, if ever you needed the help of this god, it's now.
Take your time.
Can you see your god? What's his name? What's his name? His name is Bomazi.
Bomazi? Tell me about Bomazi.
Bomazi is the god of all ancestors.
And is Bomazi protecting you now? Yes.
Should I fear Bomazi? Because perhaps Bomazi is more powerful than me.
Bomazi is powerful.
Bomazi is all-powerful.
Well then, here's what I want you to do.
You're going to pray to Bomazi now, and you're going to ask him to forsake you this day.
You are going to ask him to give your body and soul to me.
My name is Veran.
Close your eyes.
I can't do it.
Then we'll do it together.
Bomazi who remembers every dead soul "Forsake me this day.
" Forsake me this day.
"Give my body and soul to Veran of the Druids.
" Give my body and soul to Veran of the Druids.
Aah! [GRUNTING.]
Good.
Now we are alone! [PHELAN.]
Four cohorts, 500 men in each.
Auxiliaries and horsemen number above 200, provisioned for siege or a long march inland.
What happened here? Locerly Cross.
The Romans massacred them, took all their remaining warriors as slaves.
You've done well, my son.
[WOMAN GASPING.]
[GASPING, MOANING RHYTHMICALLY.]
- Mind the ribs.
- Silence, Gaul.
[AMENA GASPS RHYTHMICALLY.]
Oh, Lindon.
There you are.
- [LINDON.]
Phelan.
- Eyes front.
Wait.
Stop.
Stop.
Hey! Stop.
Over here.
- What's the game? - Well, do forgive me, my dear.
- I simply wanted - I've had enough of this, Phelan.
Can't you see what I'm doing here? Ah, fairly certain.
I'm strengthening the bond between our tribes.
Mm-hmm.
The king commanded it.
The Druids ordained it.
What is your problem? The warriors are arriving, from the villages, - so we need hands in the armory.
- Of course.
We're short of arrows.
When the Fletchers arrive, take them to the drying sheds.
I'll meet you there.
Good to have you back, Lindon.
I have to go.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Not before you finish your tribal duty.
My what? Your tribal duty.
[PHELAN.]
Am I disturbing you? Look.
It's my saviour.
I didn't save you.
I took you hostage.
Same result.
Here I am safe and sound.
So how's it going? How's what going? The new agreement with the chieftain's son from Gaul your wife's new husband.
Strong jaw.
Strong arms.
Was it your idea? Funnily enough, no.
It was the Druids'.
To forge bonds across the seas with the Bretons.
- Wise move.
- Yes, very wise.
Has his seed taken? Not as yet, no.
He's been here a few months.
Indeed, he has.
And all that time, you, her first husband, you're not allowed to lie with her.
- That's the rule.
- Must be hard for you.
Well, we all make sacrifices for the tribe.
So what's the plan? For who? What? Uh, for who? For me, silly.
Ransom? Torture? Execution? What's the general feeling? Well, things are all a bit up in the air at the moment.
Bigger fish and all that, you know.
Strange how in a crisis, you look for the obvious dangers when sometimes, the real dangers are where you least expect to find them sometimes right under your nose.
You're quite the military tactician, aren't you? [OUTCAST.]
Do you know how to skin a rabbit? Of course.
Why are you called an outcast? [SNAPS.]
You know, you have to listen better.
I'm not an outcast.
I'm The Outcast.
To be The Outcast, you must be cast out of somewhere, and not just for stealing a chicken.
It has to be something big, something important.
I know who cast you out.
It was the Druids.
They did it because you were insane.
Who told you that? My father.
[OUTCAST.]
Oh! Was he a wise man? Because he might be dead, and this insane one is alive.
So You know for someone so wise, you really stink.
Oh, you noticed.
Thanks.
You're proud of it? [OUTCAST.]
When your bed is the forest floor, first thing you learn is to stink of Death, get a real good stink on.
When I find a dead fox or a badger, I like to stop, kneel down, and have a good roll rub it in my hair, on my chest.
The boar hears it loud and clear.
It speaks his language.
It says, "Leave the Outcast alone.
" Trust me.
It works.
Trust me.
It does.
Ungrateful! I'm not sharing with you, and tomorrow, you're on your own.
My mission doesn't have room for passengers.
What mission? Do you have any idea what's going on right now? The stones upon which Time itself stands those stones have shifted.
They're collapsing, crushing centuries, annihilating pantheons the ghosts of all our dead churned into a whirlwind, incinerated in a single flash [EXHALES.]
and when it's gone [BREATHES.]
nothing.
Nothing remains, Danu tried to warn us.
I was the only one who listened.
Don't you see? All this passes through me.
I didn't want it to.
I didn't ask it to.
I prayed that I was going crazy but I was right.
Wow.
You must be really important.
So what's the mission? Isn't it obvious? I have to stop the Romans.
I have to send them home.
Then, to make sure it doesn't happen again, I have to go to Rome and kill the Emperor.
Then I have to face down The Great Earth Demon Lokka himself and to be perfectly honest, I haven't thought that far yet.
I bet the Romans are lying awake right now, shaking.
They don't know what they've let themselves in for.
I don't expect you to understand any of this and not because you're a child because you're not a child anymore, but you're not a woman.
You're stuck in between, in limbo.
You're nothing now.
You don't even have a name.
You don't even have a name! You're nothing.
Invisible.
Like the wind.
[ARROW WHOOSHES.]
[SWORDS AND SCABBARDS RING.]
[BANDIT.]
Don't move.
On your knees.
On your knees, wanker, and you.
We are all friends here.
Come and share our food.
Give us your coins.
Do I look like I have any coins? [BANDIT.]
You fucking reek, mate.
[OUTCAST.]
Listen, I'll make you a deal.
You can have the rabbit and the girl if you let me go.
It's good rabbit, and the girl is a virgin.
What? If you let me go, you can have both.
Hello, sweetie.
Fuck off! [SPITS.]
Don't kill her.
All right.
All right.
Get up slowly.
What are you doing? Now piss off.
Wait, don't I know you from somewhere? You're from the West Valley.
I know your mother.
You don't know me.
We were friends as children.
You have those blue eyes.
I'd spot them anywhere.
You have that mark there, that black spot in your pupil, which means you are fabulously lucky.
Did you know that? - What's he raving about? - You do.
You have it here.
I see it.
Look me in the eye now.
Now keep looking.
Can you see me? Can you see that? Are you looking? Yes.
Now drop the sword.
You.
You Look here.
Catch my eye.
That's it.
Right in my eye.
Can you see me? Can you see me? Put the knife down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Now what's your name? - Audin.
- Brenna.
Brenna Audin what direction did you come from? From the North.
What have you seen today? An army, marching west along the river.
How many? At least 500.
They had many prisoners.
Good.
Good Now leave us.
Go on.
[BIRDSONG.]
We have to move.
Now.
[DRUIDS, CHANTING.]
Danfon e Ar frys Arausio, Danfon e i gwrdd a'r meirw.
[DRUMMING.]
[INDISTINCT RELIGIOUS CHANTING.]
[DRUMMING STOPS.]
He's ready.
[DRUIDS CHEERING.]
[MARCHING.]
Is all well, Optio? All's well, Praefectus.
Check on the prisoners.
Then see you get some rest.
Aye, Praefectus.
Defences are dug.
Prisoners back within the stockade and under shelter.
The standards are tented and under guard.
And our brave boys? Ugh If they were on the brink of mutiny back in Gaul, God only knows where their arses are now.
Back then, it was sea serpents giant octopus Neptune and his army of the deep.
Only one day in this country, they're ready to swim home.
Maybe they're the ones we should be afraid of.
So what's the plan? Same as Egypt, Tergeste find the local chieftain, knock on his door, find out what they want, who they hate, who they want punished for centuries of indescribable wrongdoing to their noble tribe, what sacred forest they want back.
We listen carefully, very, very carefully, and we find the weak point, and we push.
We push hard.
Five years from now, that sacred forest will be Roman ships, carrying Roman soldiers to the next place, and so on and so on.
So who do we speak to first? Give me a chance.
I don't even know the names of the bloody tribes yet.
There's something I don't get.
What's that? The Emperor says, "Here's one, lads.
Who wants to go back to those islands? The really fucking terrifying ones up there.
Let's go back to that place Julius Caesar was too scared to spend more than five minutes in.
I mean what do they have up here, besides trees and nightmares? But you put your hand up.
Why? Why did you petition the Emperor personally? And don't say you didn't because you did.
I know you did.
What do you think it was made old Caesar come all this way, take one look, and turn straight around? So he ran, and you won't.
Is that it? Is that why you want to fight these crazies? Do you remember when we were in Cairo, coming up an alley by the marketplace? We saw these Egyptians standing there.
They were watching a man perform a trick with chickens.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
I don't.
I was pissed.
He had one white hen and one black hen, and he took a sword, and he chopped off the head of the white hen.
Then he chopped off the head of the black hen, put the heads together, and swapped them over.
And he gave you the white hen with the black head, and me the black hen with the white head, and we examined them and then we put them on the ground, and they ran off right through the market.
- It was a trick.
- We examined them.
So he swapped them or something.
He had four chickens.
We saw him chop off their heads.
It was a fucking trick, Aulus! Have you lost your mind? The next day, I went back to the market, looking for the old man.
I asked around, and I found him.
I went to his house, just this little hovel in a side street.
We went into the yard, and I asked him to show me the trick again.
Only this time, I had two slaves with me.
I tied the slaves up.
I gave him a sword, and I said, "You show me.
I'll pay you well.
I'll give you anything you want.
" "You just show me the trick again.
" Guess what happened next.
What happened? [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[SOLDIERS YELLING.]
[RAIN FALLING, SOLDIERS YELLING.]
[LUCIUS.]
What's going on out here? Aulus Plautius.
I am Numerious Plautius, father to your grandfather, tribune to Caesar, who died on the beaches at Walmer.
I bring fell warning from the Underworld.
You have desecrated the sacred tree of life.
You must leave these islands.
Return to Soracte, to our estate.
Go to the sloping hills of the via Flaminia.
There you will find a great and ancient pine.
Go to the pen, take the greatest stag, and make of him a sacrifice there to Pluto himself.
There is still time for his anger to be pacified.
You have been warned, Aulus Plautius! Make amends! Make amends! Seize him! This is my reply! [ANTONIUS SCREAMS.]
You bury him! Anyone else with a message from the underworld, speak now! Long live Aulus Plautius.
[SOLDIERS.]
Long live Aulus Plautius! Long live Aulus Plautius! Long live Aulus Plautius! Long live Aulus Plautius! Long live Aulus Plautius! Long live Aulus Plautius! Trees and nightmares, Lucius.
Trees and nightmares.
Histories of ages past Unenlightened shadows cast Down through all eternity The crying of humanity 'Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man comes Singing songs of love Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man comes Singing songs