Bugsplat! (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 # Revving up your engine, listen to her howling roar # Metal under tension, begging you to touch and go # Highway to the danger zone # Ride into the danger zone # Heading into twilight, spreading out her wings tonight # She got you jumping off the deck and shoving into overdrive # Highway to the danger zone # I'll take you right into the danger zone # You'll never say hello to you # Until you get it on the red line overload # You'll never know what you can do # Until you get it up as high as you can go Barry! Match on cocksucker six! What's the Nissan pick-up we've been waiting for? We need to legal it.
What is this obsession with staying within the law.
All the cocksuckers need legalling, Lexi.
Someone just say engage.
Engage.
We've got an engage.
That's fast.
Six months since I got to blow anything up.
I'll do algorithms.
That's my responsibility, isn't it? Hang on, who's she? Ms McCutcheon is our new intelligence liaison officer.
I'll start my run.
Cleared hot.
Hold your horses.
He's proceeding into a town.
Oh, for God's sake.
There's four collaterals, five, six, and one child.
That's never a child.
It's just a a small adult.
It's a child, Lexi.
No, look, there, a moustache.
That's a shadow.
It's a moustache.
OK, six collaterals plus a midget with a moustache.
Engage.
Engage? Engage Double Tap.
Holy shit.
The algorithm's never allowed that many collaterals.
Not even motherfucker five.
Look, we might have the Teflon Taliban in the cross-hairs.
Ali Al Mazie.
Wait, he's He's driving into the marketplace.
Will you let me kill something! And what's that building he's up next to? Do an identify.
It's It's an orphanage.
It's only a fucking orphanage for blind children.
That's such bad luck.
For them, as well as us obviously.
He's driving away from it.
Still in the market.
Nine collaterals.
Say 11.
Engage.
Engage? With 11 collaterals? Computer's frozen.
What? 60 seconds and it'll abort mission and return to base.
It's It's fucking frozen! 45 seconds! Lexi, I would seriously consider opting for a Hellfire K-A.
I've considered, Peter, and I'm not.
OK, let's not have another domestic.
Yes, concentrate people, let's Smithson here! Darling, you cannot use this number.
I've A teacher? She can't have done much harm with a fork.
A garden fork? Where the hell did Show and tell.
Breathe, darling! Yes, in as well as out.
I'll have to call you back.
You pulled the plug out.
He pulled the plug out.
Did you see? Calm, dude.
I turned it off and on.
It's a computer, isn't it? He didn't even use the switch.
Electricity doesn't care.
This is a £4 million It's back! Slam dunk.
Can everyone Still engaged.
Double Tap.
Barry? Let him clear that group.
Barry! Wait! Barry! OK.
Prosecute.
20 seconds to bugsplat.
Oh, dear.
What? That's a Nissan Navara Tekna 2.
5, isn't it? Poor legroom and not many miles per gallon.
That's not gonna be a problem in a moment.
It's insane.
Mitsubishis have a very good build quality.
I hit one with a Hellfire K-A in Afghanistan.
The wheels didn't even come off.
Peter, shut up! Bugsplat.
Yes, I I think it's right that we pause briefly to show that we can respect Won't let women drive, eh? Well, who just blew up your pick-up? .
.
that we can respect Drive that, you bastard! You won't be marrying any nine-year-olds.
.
.
our enemy Bet he wishes he bought a Mitsubishi now.
Let's hold focus.
This is down as a Double Tap.
What is a Double Tap? Thrown in here at such short notice? We'll fire a second Hellfire in ten minutes to get the jihadis who come to clear up the mess from the first bugsplat.
There's a number of issues with secondaries collaterals non-combatants you know people.
I have Double Tap authorised.
She has Double Tap authorised.
Well, I'm issuing an order, Squadron Leader.
No Double Tap.
It'd kill 50 civilians.
Health and safety gone mad.
Come on, Peter.
Pick them up.
Oh, a second off the world record.
The world record? Mm.
From the base to our house.
A world record? Nobody else in the world does it.
What are you doing? Going for the world record of putting washing in our machine cos no one else does it.
I'll do it.
You've had a busy afternoon.
You've blown up the leader of a terrorist organisation.
Just give me what you're wearing.
Are you Are you in a strop because of this afternoon when I advised you on your choice of Hellfire? We're the same rank now, Peter.
This isn't incursion any more.
I liked incursion.
We spent so much time together.
Cos no one else liked us.
Yes, I liked that.
Romantic.
Look I only brought up your missile choice because the Hellfire K-A has a fragmentation sleeve Pants.
.
.
a fragmentation sleeve for soft-sided vehicles.
Erm What? They're They're Oh, this is so unfair! You know I'm no good arguing when I'm naked! I'm eating at The Dog at eight.
Lexi, you've flown in combat.
We still fly in combat.
What we do is combat, James.
Ask the smouldering remains of Ali Al Mazie.
I'm gonna sound a little bit public school tosser here, but we're sitting here with this Xbox shit while everyone else is hanging their balls out on the battlefield.
Don't you think it's a bit unsporting? Al Mazie wasn't very sporting when he blew up that girls' school.
No.
He's worse than Asil.
I'm glad if he's dead.
No, it's just this sitting in an office, killing people.
I feel like I might as well be working for Haringey Social Services.
Beats being in the Red Arrows, eh? I thought everyone wanted to be in the Red Arrows.
If I'd wanted to entertain children, I'd have become a clown.
What's that? Roger's beveraging you.
Heard you zapped cocksucker six, AKA Glenfiddich three.
Pardon? The cocksucker codenames.
It's the Yanks, not us.
We name them after malt whiskeys.
How very male.
You didn't know that so you were obviously a very late replacement.
Weren't you, Spook 2.
0? I only answer to Gina.
So what did happen to Spook 1, Gina? But sometimes I don't answer at all.
Has he defected? Spontaneously combusted? Change his mind about becoming a woman? Why would you think he's defected? All right? Are you flying tomorrow? Indeed I am.
It's shandy.
I'm off to visit Civilian World.
God bless it.
Wing Commander, the elephant in the room.
Someone has to say something.
James has assured me that he is sober.
No.
Over there.
Peter, just stop right there! Now, I know you're not allowed to say the word Muslim any more.
I think you are.
Mo, nice bloke and all, but I'm just gonna say it.
Yes, I thought you would.
Should a Muslim be running the IT department of Look, Mo's religious beliefs are non-material.
I don't even know what they are.
He might be a Hindu.
Well, his name's Mohammed Mohammed.
Yes well First name Mohammed, second named Mohammed.
How many Hindus do you know called Mohammed Mohammed? Just stop saying Mohammed! See! Told you! You can't say it.
You can't say it.
Peter, I just think your wife and him have a bit of a laugh together.
Well, yes.
Obviously they do.
What else would they be doing? Nothing.
Not a thing.
Oh, look, it's Biggles.
Good morning, Shona.
Pleased with yourself for killing Al Mazie? Did we? It's on Twitter.
The RAF intelligence who leaked it.
They always leak a success.
I'm glad they told the pacifists at the gate before they told us.
They say 15 dead.
How do you get to sleep at night? Self abuse and temazepam.
Hm.
It'll get you in the end.
Check out USAF mental health study 841 comparing drone pilots with pilots in war zones.
Drone pilots suffer substantially more psychological damage.
I was psychologically damaged before I started.
Mm.
You know I won't drink it.
Oh, well.
Maybe Gandhi likes cappuccino.
His name is Mandela and you know it.
Bloody hell.
Charity run.
I'm doing a cancer benefit.
For or against? Against.
Obviously.
Team, anyone not flying at ten, they're finally unveiling the Golden Horn at Nanodrome.
Anyone with level 9 clearance can test fly it.
Erm, James, er, a word.
I was fast-forwarding through your Tuesday Afghanistan flight tape when you were flying solo and I came across er this.
I wondered what it was.
Er, it's a woman at a crossroads flashing her breasts.
At the sky.
Almost as if she knows the drone was there.
It's not in your log.
I can't put every semi-naked woman I see in my log.
So it's a coincidence that you were flying overhead? So it would seem.
Because the previous Tuesday, at the same crossroads, there's this.
She's obviously a creature of habit.
And the Tuesday before that.
OK.
It's a bit of unfinished business from when I was in Afghanistan.
She works for UNICEF.
We like to keep in touch.
So you direct your £8 million drone with its 14 Hellfire missiles and 65 steerable windows over a crossroads every Tuesday so an old girlfriend can flash her tits at you.
Correct.
Large round objects! Why can't you just expose yourself on Skype like normal people? Shoot me, I'm a romantic.
If only this was Russia, we would.
It'll have to go in a report.
Oh! Smithson here.
So, when you knew what it was he called you in for, you almost seemed relieved.
Is there something else you're more guilty about? Yeah.
President Assad shows me his arse on a Wednesday.
Your daughter? Worse.
I've never been in the secure room before.
Lexi, er .
.
I wanted to tell you first.
I offed Al Mazie.
No need to make a big fuss of me.
It was Al Mazie.
Possibly not.
What do our sources on the ground say? Well, not a great deal.
I thought you had good sources on the ground.
We did.
What, the guy we took out was It seems there was some confusion between the description of our asset's vehicle and the target vehicle.
It had a 97 percent match.
Ms McCutcheon? Can I just point out that the strike was at 1558 and I didn't officially start until 1600.
So you're not responsible for this intelligence failure? But was it a failure? Erm, yes.
Though the target we demised was in a terrorist organisation.
But he gave us valuable intelligence.
But did he? Didn't he? No, because he led you to the wrong vehicle.
Yes, his! Exactly.
So he tricked us into blowing him up? There's no point blame-storming here when this can easily be re-bucketed as a successful strike against a high-ranking terrorist official.
Oh, come on.
We all know this is an RAF intelligence cock-up.
What's a cock-up? A triumph that hasn't been spun right.
My report will state how poor intelligence led us to destroy the wrong target.
Barry, when you say "my report," you obviously mean a verbal report, not an actual report that will exist on the hard drive of a computer.
No, I do mean an actual report.
Or a confession, as we call it.
What? You'd be confessing on record to ordering the killing of an innocent man.
Why don't we have a word in private? No.
In fact, I'd like a word with Lexi.
In private.
Lexi, look, take the rest of the day off.
That's an order.
And we can give you some post-traumatic stress counselling.
If they didn't need counselling at Passchendaele, I don't need it.
Yeah, well, I think they probably did need it at Passchendaele, it's just that it wasn't available.
Veronica's very good.
I know James found her sessions very therapeutic.
I've heard.
Yeah, I think that's just a rumour.
Anyway, there's no shame to it.
I myself have, on occasion, availed myself of post-traumatic stress therapy.
After your breakdown? No, that was not a breakdown, that was an adverse side-effect to a prescription drug.
I've never heard taking your clothes off in a health and safety meeting listed as a side-effect.
Well, if not Veronica, there's the chaplain.
I don't need God.
When I fly the Reaper, I am God.
Yes, your saying that hasn't actually put my mind at rest.
Barry, Barry, I do not need counselling.
I could drop the bomb on Hiroshima and sleep like a baby.
Hard luck, love.
What's that? It's Al Mazie on YouTube.
Posted it to prove he's alive.
Your streets will run with blood.
You have made a mistake.
You've made me angry.
I didn't know you spoke Arabic.
Because you have closed down my brother-in-law's kebab shop in North London.
Racial stereotyping, James.
Despite the high quality of his lamb shish kebabs.
Do you want coffee? No.
You kill us with your drones, but we will kill your drone pilots.
Shut up, Flight Lieutenant! Stop making this up! No, he did say that.
I do speak Arabic.
Well, shut up anyway! We missed him yesterday, but we're gonna bloody well get the bastard.
If not today, then tomorrow.
And if not tomorrow, then some time after tomorrow.
OK? Isn't he supposed to be dead? He says he's gonna kill us.
Cheeky sod.
Barry, I'm off.
Yes, actually, I know you're a civilian and everything, but I think we're gonna drop this first name thing.
That's no probs to me.
My second name's the same as my first name.
Be back by lunchtime, dude.
Not dude! Wing Commander.
You're a dude to me, Wing Commander.
See you in a bit.
Emergency dental appointment.
Did I ask you? I just thought No, you didn't.
Oi! I've told you lot before! Tosser! So, this new micro-UAV can pass through an open window.
It's quiet enough to go into a bedroom when someone's sleeping without waking them.
Will it be operational in Afghanistan? I'm just asking.
Its range is Ooh, excuse me.
Smithson here.
I wonder if it's armed.
Yeah.
Carries two Tomahawk cruise missiles.
No, it's not armed.
Look at the size of it.
It could have a small weapon.
What, a penknife to whittle terrorists to death? Just shut up! I'm easily as clever as you! Just not out loud.
Oh, fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fucking fuck! New American code? Oh, shit.
You are winding me right up.
Oh, hi, babe.
How's sunny Afghanistan? Oh, shitty fucking bollocking balls.
I'm not flying today, it can't be my drone, so don't Oh, you have? We are so fucked! You've probably made an American drone pilot very happy.
Babe, I'm gonna have to call you back.
WikiLeaks.
Assange's lot.
They've got hold of our cockpit film from yesterday's strike and put it on YouTube! We should launch a drone strike against Assange.
He's in the Ecuadorian embassy! Oh, who cares about Ecuador? The Ecuadorian embassy in London, in Knightsbridge.
Yeah, well full of Russians round there, isn't it? They've got the voice tapes, too.
The voice tapes? Everything that was said leading up to the strike.
We tape that? Yes, you did know that? Yes.
I knew that.
Obviously.
What did we say? A midget with a moustache.
Drive that, you bastard.
Bugsplat.
Oops.
So who leaked it? Well, they're not going to They're not going to bloody say that, are they? The pacifist at the gate will probably know.
Tornado.
Miss them.
So this operation that at this moment in time has on YouTube 11,867 views, do you still want it to be a cock-up or would you like it re-bucketed as a triumph? Oh, 12,602 No, my mistake.
It's 14,000 OK.
OK! Re-fucking-bucket it how you like! So we didn't decease Al Mazie but it was a high-value asset.
Yes.
We could've stopped the assassination of Barack Obama for all I care.
Oh No.
Right, I'm gonna take this chap for a test drive.
I'm not sure Nifty little bastard, aren't you? You can't take it off the base.
Smithson.
Darling, this number is for national security purposes only and She's been excluded? No! Stay away from him! We're trending on Twitter.
Sally Bercow, Pope Francis and Louie Spence are shocked but Jeremy Clarkson's backing us.
This leak's gonna change everything.
Tomorrow they'll be ten of us here, the next day 1,000.
You won't be able to get through that gate.
I think you're confusing us with One Direction.
Ten quid says you're the only one here in a week's time.
I hate you.
So ten quid? I won't be able to collect my money cos there'll be so many people.
Yeah, Louie Spence and Sally Bercow will be sharing the tent next to you.
Ten quid? Ten quid.
Her German teacher? Well, I'm not going to use the word dive, but it sounds to me like Frau Schultz has made a bit of a meal of it Darling, I'm gonna have to call you back.
You said you could fly this through windows, didn't you? You can't go into someone's house! It's all right.
It's my house.
What? I'll just say hello to Lexi.
Hello, Le That's, er Mo.
This definitely doesn't have any weapons? No, it doesn't.
Mm-hm.
This'll probably end up on WikiLeaks in 15 minutes.
I would just like to assure you that I am a professional and this will not affect my working relationships.
Your working what? My working relationships with Osama Bin Laden in I or my cheating fucking bitch of a wife.
Excellent.
Oh, by the way, I know where Al Mazie is.
Sorry.
Probably should've mentioned that earlier.
What is this obsession with staying within the law.
All the cocksuckers need legalling, Lexi.
Someone just say engage.
Engage.
We've got an engage.
That's fast.
Six months since I got to blow anything up.
I'll do algorithms.
That's my responsibility, isn't it? Hang on, who's she? Ms McCutcheon is our new intelligence liaison officer.
I'll start my run.
Cleared hot.
Hold your horses.
He's proceeding into a town.
Oh, for God's sake.
There's four collaterals, five, six, and one child.
That's never a child.
It's just a a small adult.
It's a child, Lexi.
No, look, there, a moustache.
That's a shadow.
It's a moustache.
OK, six collaterals plus a midget with a moustache.
Engage.
Engage? Engage Double Tap.
Holy shit.
The algorithm's never allowed that many collaterals.
Not even motherfucker five.
Look, we might have the Teflon Taliban in the cross-hairs.
Ali Al Mazie.
Wait, he's He's driving into the marketplace.
Will you let me kill something! And what's that building he's up next to? Do an identify.
It's It's an orphanage.
It's only a fucking orphanage for blind children.
That's such bad luck.
For them, as well as us obviously.
He's driving away from it.
Still in the market.
Nine collaterals.
Say 11.
Engage.
Engage? With 11 collaterals? Computer's frozen.
What? 60 seconds and it'll abort mission and return to base.
It's It's fucking frozen! 45 seconds! Lexi, I would seriously consider opting for a Hellfire K-A.
I've considered, Peter, and I'm not.
OK, let's not have another domestic.
Yes, concentrate people, let's Smithson here! Darling, you cannot use this number.
I've A teacher? She can't have done much harm with a fork.
A garden fork? Where the hell did Show and tell.
Breathe, darling! Yes, in as well as out.
I'll have to call you back.
You pulled the plug out.
He pulled the plug out.
Did you see? Calm, dude.
I turned it off and on.
It's a computer, isn't it? He didn't even use the switch.
Electricity doesn't care.
This is a £4 million It's back! Slam dunk.
Can everyone Still engaged.
Double Tap.
Barry? Let him clear that group.
Barry! Wait! Barry! OK.
Prosecute.
20 seconds to bugsplat.
Oh, dear.
What? That's a Nissan Navara Tekna 2.
5, isn't it? Poor legroom and not many miles per gallon.
That's not gonna be a problem in a moment.
It's insane.
Mitsubishis have a very good build quality.
I hit one with a Hellfire K-A in Afghanistan.
The wheels didn't even come off.
Peter, shut up! Bugsplat.
Yes, I I think it's right that we pause briefly to show that we can respect Won't let women drive, eh? Well, who just blew up your pick-up? .
.
that we can respect Drive that, you bastard! You won't be marrying any nine-year-olds.
.
.
our enemy Bet he wishes he bought a Mitsubishi now.
Let's hold focus.
This is down as a Double Tap.
What is a Double Tap? Thrown in here at such short notice? We'll fire a second Hellfire in ten minutes to get the jihadis who come to clear up the mess from the first bugsplat.
There's a number of issues with secondaries collaterals non-combatants you know people.
I have Double Tap authorised.
She has Double Tap authorised.
Well, I'm issuing an order, Squadron Leader.
No Double Tap.
It'd kill 50 civilians.
Health and safety gone mad.
Come on, Peter.
Pick them up.
Oh, a second off the world record.
The world record? Mm.
From the base to our house.
A world record? Nobody else in the world does it.
What are you doing? Going for the world record of putting washing in our machine cos no one else does it.
I'll do it.
You've had a busy afternoon.
You've blown up the leader of a terrorist organisation.
Just give me what you're wearing.
Are you Are you in a strop because of this afternoon when I advised you on your choice of Hellfire? We're the same rank now, Peter.
This isn't incursion any more.
I liked incursion.
We spent so much time together.
Cos no one else liked us.
Yes, I liked that.
Romantic.
Look I only brought up your missile choice because the Hellfire K-A has a fragmentation sleeve Pants.
.
.
a fragmentation sleeve for soft-sided vehicles.
Erm What? They're They're Oh, this is so unfair! You know I'm no good arguing when I'm naked! I'm eating at The Dog at eight.
Lexi, you've flown in combat.
We still fly in combat.
What we do is combat, James.
Ask the smouldering remains of Ali Al Mazie.
I'm gonna sound a little bit public school tosser here, but we're sitting here with this Xbox shit while everyone else is hanging their balls out on the battlefield.
Don't you think it's a bit unsporting? Al Mazie wasn't very sporting when he blew up that girls' school.
No.
He's worse than Asil.
I'm glad if he's dead.
No, it's just this sitting in an office, killing people.
I feel like I might as well be working for Haringey Social Services.
Beats being in the Red Arrows, eh? I thought everyone wanted to be in the Red Arrows.
If I'd wanted to entertain children, I'd have become a clown.
What's that? Roger's beveraging you.
Heard you zapped cocksucker six, AKA Glenfiddich three.
Pardon? The cocksucker codenames.
It's the Yanks, not us.
We name them after malt whiskeys.
How very male.
You didn't know that so you were obviously a very late replacement.
Weren't you, Spook 2.
0? I only answer to Gina.
So what did happen to Spook 1, Gina? But sometimes I don't answer at all.
Has he defected? Spontaneously combusted? Change his mind about becoming a woman? Why would you think he's defected? All right? Are you flying tomorrow? Indeed I am.
It's shandy.
I'm off to visit Civilian World.
God bless it.
Wing Commander, the elephant in the room.
Someone has to say something.
James has assured me that he is sober.
No.
Over there.
Peter, just stop right there! Now, I know you're not allowed to say the word Muslim any more.
I think you are.
Mo, nice bloke and all, but I'm just gonna say it.
Yes, I thought you would.
Should a Muslim be running the IT department of Look, Mo's religious beliefs are non-material.
I don't even know what they are.
He might be a Hindu.
Well, his name's Mohammed Mohammed.
Yes well First name Mohammed, second named Mohammed.
How many Hindus do you know called Mohammed Mohammed? Just stop saying Mohammed! See! Told you! You can't say it.
You can't say it.
Peter, I just think your wife and him have a bit of a laugh together.
Well, yes.
Obviously they do.
What else would they be doing? Nothing.
Not a thing.
Oh, look, it's Biggles.
Good morning, Shona.
Pleased with yourself for killing Al Mazie? Did we? It's on Twitter.
The RAF intelligence who leaked it.
They always leak a success.
I'm glad they told the pacifists at the gate before they told us.
They say 15 dead.
How do you get to sleep at night? Self abuse and temazepam.
Hm.
It'll get you in the end.
Check out USAF mental health study 841 comparing drone pilots with pilots in war zones.
Drone pilots suffer substantially more psychological damage.
I was psychologically damaged before I started.
Mm.
You know I won't drink it.
Oh, well.
Maybe Gandhi likes cappuccino.
His name is Mandela and you know it.
Bloody hell.
Charity run.
I'm doing a cancer benefit.
For or against? Against.
Obviously.
Team, anyone not flying at ten, they're finally unveiling the Golden Horn at Nanodrome.
Anyone with level 9 clearance can test fly it.
Erm, James, er, a word.
I was fast-forwarding through your Tuesday Afghanistan flight tape when you were flying solo and I came across er this.
I wondered what it was.
Er, it's a woman at a crossroads flashing her breasts.
At the sky.
Almost as if she knows the drone was there.
It's not in your log.
I can't put every semi-naked woman I see in my log.
So it's a coincidence that you were flying overhead? So it would seem.
Because the previous Tuesday, at the same crossroads, there's this.
She's obviously a creature of habit.
And the Tuesday before that.
OK.
It's a bit of unfinished business from when I was in Afghanistan.
She works for UNICEF.
We like to keep in touch.
So you direct your £8 million drone with its 14 Hellfire missiles and 65 steerable windows over a crossroads every Tuesday so an old girlfriend can flash her tits at you.
Correct.
Large round objects! Why can't you just expose yourself on Skype like normal people? Shoot me, I'm a romantic.
If only this was Russia, we would.
It'll have to go in a report.
Oh! Smithson here.
So, when you knew what it was he called you in for, you almost seemed relieved.
Is there something else you're more guilty about? Yeah.
President Assad shows me his arse on a Wednesday.
Your daughter? Worse.
I've never been in the secure room before.
Lexi, er .
.
I wanted to tell you first.
I offed Al Mazie.
No need to make a big fuss of me.
It was Al Mazie.
Possibly not.
What do our sources on the ground say? Well, not a great deal.
I thought you had good sources on the ground.
We did.
What, the guy we took out was It seems there was some confusion between the description of our asset's vehicle and the target vehicle.
It had a 97 percent match.
Ms McCutcheon? Can I just point out that the strike was at 1558 and I didn't officially start until 1600.
So you're not responsible for this intelligence failure? But was it a failure? Erm, yes.
Though the target we demised was in a terrorist organisation.
But he gave us valuable intelligence.
But did he? Didn't he? No, because he led you to the wrong vehicle.
Yes, his! Exactly.
So he tricked us into blowing him up? There's no point blame-storming here when this can easily be re-bucketed as a successful strike against a high-ranking terrorist official.
Oh, come on.
We all know this is an RAF intelligence cock-up.
What's a cock-up? A triumph that hasn't been spun right.
My report will state how poor intelligence led us to destroy the wrong target.
Barry, when you say "my report," you obviously mean a verbal report, not an actual report that will exist on the hard drive of a computer.
No, I do mean an actual report.
Or a confession, as we call it.
What? You'd be confessing on record to ordering the killing of an innocent man.
Why don't we have a word in private? No.
In fact, I'd like a word with Lexi.
In private.
Lexi, look, take the rest of the day off.
That's an order.
And we can give you some post-traumatic stress counselling.
If they didn't need counselling at Passchendaele, I don't need it.
Yeah, well, I think they probably did need it at Passchendaele, it's just that it wasn't available.
Veronica's very good.
I know James found her sessions very therapeutic.
I've heard.
Yeah, I think that's just a rumour.
Anyway, there's no shame to it.
I myself have, on occasion, availed myself of post-traumatic stress therapy.
After your breakdown? No, that was not a breakdown, that was an adverse side-effect to a prescription drug.
I've never heard taking your clothes off in a health and safety meeting listed as a side-effect.
Well, if not Veronica, there's the chaplain.
I don't need God.
When I fly the Reaper, I am God.
Yes, your saying that hasn't actually put my mind at rest.
Barry, Barry, I do not need counselling.
I could drop the bomb on Hiroshima and sleep like a baby.
Hard luck, love.
What's that? It's Al Mazie on YouTube.
Posted it to prove he's alive.
Your streets will run with blood.
You have made a mistake.
You've made me angry.
I didn't know you spoke Arabic.
Because you have closed down my brother-in-law's kebab shop in North London.
Racial stereotyping, James.
Despite the high quality of his lamb shish kebabs.
Do you want coffee? No.
You kill us with your drones, but we will kill your drone pilots.
Shut up, Flight Lieutenant! Stop making this up! No, he did say that.
I do speak Arabic.
Well, shut up anyway! We missed him yesterday, but we're gonna bloody well get the bastard.
If not today, then tomorrow.
And if not tomorrow, then some time after tomorrow.
OK? Isn't he supposed to be dead? He says he's gonna kill us.
Cheeky sod.
Barry, I'm off.
Yes, actually, I know you're a civilian and everything, but I think we're gonna drop this first name thing.
That's no probs to me.
My second name's the same as my first name.
Be back by lunchtime, dude.
Not dude! Wing Commander.
You're a dude to me, Wing Commander.
See you in a bit.
Emergency dental appointment.
Did I ask you? I just thought No, you didn't.
Oi! I've told you lot before! Tosser! So, this new micro-UAV can pass through an open window.
It's quiet enough to go into a bedroom when someone's sleeping without waking them.
Will it be operational in Afghanistan? I'm just asking.
Its range is Ooh, excuse me.
Smithson here.
I wonder if it's armed.
Yeah.
Carries two Tomahawk cruise missiles.
No, it's not armed.
Look at the size of it.
It could have a small weapon.
What, a penknife to whittle terrorists to death? Just shut up! I'm easily as clever as you! Just not out loud.
Oh, fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fuckity, fucking fuck! New American code? Oh, shit.
You are winding me right up.
Oh, hi, babe.
How's sunny Afghanistan? Oh, shitty fucking bollocking balls.
I'm not flying today, it can't be my drone, so don't Oh, you have? We are so fucked! You've probably made an American drone pilot very happy.
Babe, I'm gonna have to call you back.
WikiLeaks.
Assange's lot.
They've got hold of our cockpit film from yesterday's strike and put it on YouTube! We should launch a drone strike against Assange.
He's in the Ecuadorian embassy! Oh, who cares about Ecuador? The Ecuadorian embassy in London, in Knightsbridge.
Yeah, well full of Russians round there, isn't it? They've got the voice tapes, too.
The voice tapes? Everything that was said leading up to the strike.
We tape that? Yes, you did know that? Yes.
I knew that.
Obviously.
What did we say? A midget with a moustache.
Drive that, you bastard.
Bugsplat.
Oops.
So who leaked it? Well, they're not going to They're not going to bloody say that, are they? The pacifist at the gate will probably know.
Tornado.
Miss them.
So this operation that at this moment in time has on YouTube 11,867 views, do you still want it to be a cock-up or would you like it re-bucketed as a triumph? Oh, 12,602 No, my mistake.
It's 14,000 OK.
OK! Re-fucking-bucket it how you like! So we didn't decease Al Mazie but it was a high-value asset.
Yes.
We could've stopped the assassination of Barack Obama for all I care.
Oh No.
Right, I'm gonna take this chap for a test drive.
I'm not sure Nifty little bastard, aren't you? You can't take it off the base.
Smithson.
Darling, this number is for national security purposes only and She's been excluded? No! Stay away from him! We're trending on Twitter.
Sally Bercow, Pope Francis and Louie Spence are shocked but Jeremy Clarkson's backing us.
This leak's gonna change everything.
Tomorrow they'll be ten of us here, the next day 1,000.
You won't be able to get through that gate.
I think you're confusing us with One Direction.
Ten quid says you're the only one here in a week's time.
I hate you.
So ten quid? I won't be able to collect my money cos there'll be so many people.
Yeah, Louie Spence and Sally Bercow will be sharing the tent next to you.
Ten quid? Ten quid.
Her German teacher? Well, I'm not going to use the word dive, but it sounds to me like Frau Schultz has made a bit of a meal of it Darling, I'm gonna have to call you back.
You said you could fly this through windows, didn't you? You can't go into someone's house! It's all right.
It's my house.
What? I'll just say hello to Lexi.
Hello, Le That's, er Mo.
This definitely doesn't have any weapons? No, it doesn't.
Mm-hm.
This'll probably end up on WikiLeaks in 15 minutes.
I would just like to assure you that I am a professional and this will not affect my working relationships.
Your working what? My working relationships with Osama Bin Laden in I or my cheating fucking bitch of a wife.
Excellent.
Oh, by the way, I know where Al Mazie is.
Sorry.
Probably should've mentioned that earlier.