Bullet in the Face (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (Heart beating) (Gunshot, Gunter screams) (Sighing) (French accent): Same bad dream? Yeah.
You see the shooter's face? Uh-uh.
Here Let Mama relax you.
(German accent): Stop calling yourself "Mama".
I don't want to be in bed with my mother.
Relax, baby.
And quit calling me baby.
I don't want to be a baby in bed with my mother.
I'm adult in size.
Mm-hmm.
(Chuckles) (Chuckling) (Moaning) (Slurping) (Gunshot, Gunter screams) (Moaning) (Whistles) I was home last night, all night, alone.
(Snickering) - Shhh! - Oh.
I'm not going to let you call me horrible names.
No, I won't let you text-message me those same horrible names.
Au revoir.
Tannhauser, he knows you're cheating, hmm? But he doesn't know with who.
He doesn't know I'm who.
(Chuckling) - He'll find out soon.
- Hmm I'm pregnant.
How could that happen? When you put your penis inside me, moved it in and out and ejaculated spermatozoa, that your vagina was as barren as Somalia! You cannot have this baby.
You-- (Tweezers clattering) Martine, if you have this baby, I will shove it back up your womb! (Siren wailing in distance) (Cars honking) (Man): Good morning, Bruteville! The truce between gang leaders Tannhauser and Racken continues.
The city is finally at peace.
(Cooing, gunshot) You're both late, hmm? You look so healthy.
You must be getting more protein in your diet, hmm? (Cell): Hello, baby Pick up the phone What's the job, Lustig? Oh, this store is run by Jews too cheap to hire a security guard.
They pay protection money to Racken, so Tannhauser wants to hit the store.
Ja, ja? Send a message.
That he wants to start a war.
It's about time.
I have an itch on my trigger finger.
(Martine): Tannhauser wishes to speak with you.
Good morning, Herr Tannhauser! Why do you call me Herr? Call me Johann.
'Tis my name.
You know me.
( Man singing opera ) Gunter, you are my rock star.
You know this? You kill everything I ask you to kill.
You've even killed extra things, like dogs and cats along the way, people just crossing the road.
You killed everyone on that boat.
You drowned them from the inside.
It was beautiful.
You killed that guy at his wedding with piano wire while he was playing piano.
I love you for this stuff.
Today, you've got a simple thing.
Simple thing.
It's a jewellery robbery.
While you're doing it, kill Martine, will you? Any particular reason? Yeah, she's been unfaithful.
Just kill her.
Why not kill her yourself? I don't wanna kill her.
You kill her.
You love killing things! You kill everything you see.
You even tried to kill me once.
You tried to kill yourself once! Come on, you crazy bastard! Kill her! Do it! You'd love it.
Wrap yourself in jewels and kill her.
You're acting like a snail on a wet Friday.
What's going on? Nothing, sir.
You made me what I am today insane.
Yes, I did, didn't I? All right, bye-bye.
(Cell beeps) Good morning! I am Gunter Vogler, and you are about to be robbed by a master criminal.
Sadly, you will not be able to tell your friends and family about it because I will be killing most of you today.
It is just my nature.
Is that Mossad? Oy (Groaning) (Groaning) (Groaning) (Groaning) (Siren wailing) Auf wiedersehen! (Tires squealing) Lock and load! - Kill Martine.
- I'm pregnant.
- (Echoing): Kill Martine - I'm pregnant Just kill her.
Drop your gun or my face is the last thing you will ever see.
(Bullet shell clinking) (Gunshot) I say we kill the bastard.
Even the most vicious animal on the planet, a wolf, has more compassion than this monster.
The most vicious animal on the planet is not a wolf, Hagerman.
It's a hippopotamus.
And Gunter Vogler is my secret weapon.
I will finally bring Johann Tannhauser to justice.
It won't work.
It's like trying to find a word that rhymes with "vinegar".
"Miniature".
What the hell is this? Who must I kill to get out of here? Oh, Mr.
Vogler, show a little gratitude.
A team of surgeons worked very hard to save your life.
Why is my face so sore? It feels like my anus after consuming too much paprika.
Your face was destroyed.
You've been given a full facial transplant.
What are you talking about, bitch? Show respect, mongrel.
You're talking to the police commissioner.
And whose voice is that? Whoever it was sounds unappealing to women.
(Snickers) Lt.
Hagerman.
- You killed my partner.
- Oh! And all my partners before him.
We, better get a new one (Chuckles) or I might kill you just to keep my quota up.
(Gunter laughing) Mr.
Vogler, you will be the next one killed unless you agree to work for law enforcement.
(Whispering): Careful.
Ah! (Gasps) What? (Screaming) Who's face am I looking at? (EKG monitor beeping rapidly) The face of my partner, the man you murdered, my best friend.
You don't deserve to have his face! It makes me want to vomit a baked ham.
(Screaming) No, don't shoot! (Laughing) He can't! He cannot shoot his best friend! Unlike me, who shot all my friends, including one on his birthday.
Go ahead, Mr.
Policeman.
Shoot! Shoot! Take your revenge! (Laughing) Wooly bully I feel it Oh woolly bully Ooh ooh ooh ooh (Crying) Wooly bully Ah ah (Sobbing) What is that? A little yellow gun! What does it shoot? Lemonade? No, electrical current.
And you're going to shoot me with that? - Yes.
- Shit! (Electricity buzzing, Screaming) (Groaning) (Sighing) (Breathing unevenly) (Siren wailing) Ah! Lady Commissioner.
Nice outfit.
Very authority-figure flattering.
Mr.
Vogler what do you recall about being shot in the face? That it sucked! I shot the cop who I am now having too much face time with and a bad hair day.
(Gunter chuckling, Hagerman sniffs) He managed to squeeze off a shot.
But I pulled the trigger first! That fellow did not shoot me! No (Bullet shells clinking) That fello did not.
What the hell is this? A special edition video? This is a fake.
Why would that woman shoot me? We had dinner reservations later! I don't know, but why not find out, Gunter Vogler? One woman kills you, another one resurrects you.
I've given you a new identity and access to law- enforcement resources to seek revenge on those who betrayed you.
(Gunshot) What do you say? What do I say? Give me a badge.
Ah, Martine.
Naughty, naughty girl.
(Chuckling) Look who it is! Welcome back.
We're all very happy that you survived the bullet wound.
Oh! Not as happy as I am.
You'll be reunited with your old partner, Lt.
Hagerman Oh! Pow! Hee hee hee! who is delighted to see you, yes? I've warned everyone that you're not exactly your same, old self.
- Oh! - Had a little memory loss.
And interestingly, now you speak with a German accent.
Right! (Clearing throat) I can buy that.
Wunderbar! (Gunter chuckling) In the meantime, may I have a gun, hmm? - Yes.
- Hmm! A gun.
Ah.
Hmm! (Grunts) (Grunts) Whoo! Mother! Just give him a moment.
Take a little getting used to.
Hey, hey, hey! He had a hard time.
(Laughing) A little patience.
Not to worry.
What the-- - What a sense of humour you have now! I'm a cop! (Laughing) (Crying) Partner! (Laughing) ( House ) Come on, baby.
Come on, come on, baby.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
Why are you praying, Hagerman? Why? I'm sitting next to the man who killed my partner, and he's got his face.
I feel like God is punishing me.
Ah, Satan is just showing you a good time.
There's no reason for us to be here.
There's a reason.
Lustig.
He was our getaway driver that got away.
Tannhauser's whereabouts are a secret, but Lustig knows them.
Now! (Lustig laughing) Stay here.
What am I supposed to do? Enjoy yourself.
Your penis has other uses besides urination and embarrassment.
(Chuckling) (Women giggling) (Door opening) - Out! - (Women): Aaah! (Whimpering) (Screaming) Would you like a dance? No, uh just browsing.
No! Pain! (Battle cry) (Whimpering, groaning) Aaah! Come.
Follow me.
You cannot do this! I can do whatever I want.
I am a cop with massive issues! You have the voice of Gunter Vogler.
That's because I am Gunter Vogler! Nei.
Gunter is dead.
Oh! You see? (Crying) You're crying? What's the matter? Don't you like me? (Sobbing) Killing me only made him stronger.
I can possess other people now.
(Whimpering) Here I am in the body of a policeman (Laughing hysterically) a policeman who wants to know the location of Tannhauser's hideout.
Oh! If I tell you that, he'll kill me.
If you don't, I will kill you.
These are not good choices.
Mm-hmm.
Wait! Wait! You possess Tannhauser, make him tell you.
Hmm? Huh? Huh? (Laughing) (Groaning) (Crying) That's my wife and kids.
My daughter's about the same age as you.
Would you like me to get her a job here? (Sobbing) Martine shot me in the face.
Uh, yeah.
Why? Tannhauser told her to! She saved her life by killing you, also her unborn child.
The baby is Tannhauser's.
Lies! The baby is mine! We even discussed naming it "Mine"! (Thunder) Come on, baby.
Got ya! Bitch, give it to me.
Aaah! Ah! Listen! Listen! Tannhauser blames the robbery not working on me.
He wants me dead, but I have information that would help Racken's side of the war which is coming.
(Both laughing) What information? Tell me.
Ah, well, there is someone on Tannhauser's side who has infiltrated Racken's organization.
Who? (Door opening) Ah, Martine! Hmm! You're lucky the bullet only grazed your temple.
Facial transplants are very expensive, Mr.
Vogler.
And I chose the face that you're wearing now to keep a good cop alive.
The only other face available was that of a trapeze artist who bounced off his net and landed on a station wagon.
- Where's Hagerman? - Took a leave of absence.
You traumatized him with that little strip-club trip you took.
(Chuckling) Your soul is poisoned, Mr.
Vogler.
Why not seek redemption? Because I'm not a coupon.
(Chuckling) You know, the man that you murdered I was in love with.
(Grunts) The man whose face you now bear.
Hurt me very deeply.
Why, did he not use lubricant? (Snickering) We never consummated the relationship.
I never could quite figure out why.
Probably because he had taste.
That's it, isn't it? You wanted me to be your lover as well as a cop.
(Chuckling) I am not some finger puppet and I will not live my life with some other face I do not recognize.
I am not Mickey Rourke! How was that? Mediocre.
Where did you learn to kiss? A slaughterhouse? (Blows) Hmm Wait.
I felt something.
Mm-hmm? This other man inside me is responding to you.
(Giggling) Ah! (Both moaning) (Snickering) Shit! You know, life is funny.
I only realized Martine was my soul mate after she betrayed me.
You will never see this face again.
(Muffled): Gunter.
Gunter! Gunter! Hello, baby Pick up the phone Who is this? Who has Gunter's phone? Gunter does.
I am a very good boyfriend.
Even if you shoot me, I still call.
This is not possible! Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? No one talking to you! No lovers! I told you this! - I-- - Who is this? Identify yourself! Who are you? (Grunts) (Cell beeps) Who was it? My mother.
Ah! - I'm telling the truth.
- I don't like her.
(Scoffing) - You listen.
- No, you listen! Don't do that! It is a leprechaun! Blessed are the leprechauns, for they control the power and the glory.
They control the lightness and the darkness.
They control the rainbow! ( Bagpipes playing Amazing Grace ) ( Muffled bagpipes ) (Scoffing) I think it's OK.
(Boat horn blaring) (Intercom buzzing) (Clearing throat) Yeah.
(Woman): Mr.
Racken, a policeman is here.
Policeman? Send him in.
He must have a death wish.
(Door buzzing) Boy, oh, boy! You got a lot of balls coming here.
Neither my testicles nor prostate are greatly enlarged.
(Racken laughing) A sense of humour.
So, what can I do for you besides take your life? You have a turncoat in your organization.
I'm willing to I.
D.
the traitor for a price.
Bullshit! I've known everyone in my organization for years.
Any one of these guys would take a bullet for me.
So you say, but, uh, I see the face of the traitor in this room right now.
Is that a fact? (Intercom buzzing) - What? - Mr.
Racken, an emergency call.
Yeah.
What? (Gunshots) Is that gunfire? (Dial tone) Son of a bitch.
My drug-smuggling operation was just raided and nobody knows the location of that shipyard, nobody.
So you tell me who the double-crosser is or I'll ow your goddamn head off.
Go ahead, shoot me.
But you'll never figure out where Judas sits during lunch.
(Chuckling) Is it him? I don't like the way he's looking at me.
His eyes keep twitching.
Sir, I just had eye surgery.
I need drops, that's all.
I've always been loyal to you.
You know, he has.
He's been loyal to me.
(Bullet shells clinking) It wasn't him.
Boss, I would never betray you, and I've had lots of chances.
That's true.
He's had lots of chances.
(Men groaning, thudding) Send in a 2nd team! "Yous" guys, take this guy down the river and return him to sender using a bullet.
Don't forget.
Take a picture for my personal scrapbook of dead cops.
It's important to me, all right? - Yes, boss.
- All right.
Get him out of here.
Go.
Today! Get on your knees, copper.
(Bird chirping) (Click) (Gunshots, groaning) Thought you were on leave! I was.
But as long as you wear my partner's face, my conscience demands I protect you.
I will not live my life in this shell.
I am not some frickin' lobster.
The shell you inhabit was not for a crustacean.
It belonged to a good and decent man, a man I loved more than a brother.
This city could use a good bad man right now.
Now that Tannhauser has seized Racken's heroin supply, this war will only get uglier.
Just the way I like it.
(Laughing evilly) God grant me serenity.
(Intercom buzzing) Yeah.
Your wife is here.
Oh, send her in.
You are glowing, dear.
So, what did the doctor say? (American accent): That we have a very healthy bambino on the way.
Of course we do.
(Purring) (Chuckling) (Gunter) I see the face of the traitor in this room right now.