Bumping Mics with Jeff Ross & Dave Attell (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Friday
1
I hope that the people out there
I'm talking about the true comedy fans.
It's hard to get anyone
to sit still to watch anything.
And I know they're probably watching this
on their phones right now,
so we should get a little closer.
Okay.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
(INTRO MUSIC PLAYING)
DAVE: Joke writing is my
thing, it's like a passion.
What it is, basically, is you have an idea
you write it as hard as you can, but
at the end of the day, it's like
you've gotta get it on stage.
And it's not a joke
until a crowd laughs at it.
Thanks for coming, you guys.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
JEFF: I love it. I
feel more alive here.
I feel like I absorb new
ideas and tastes and sounds,
feels and influences
when I get to New York.
Yeah, I know, we'll be there
in five minutes.
No, everything's fine.
Hey, they're ready.
Thank you, man. Hello.
WOMAN: Alright, you guys ready
for your main event tonight?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
WOMAN: It has been such an
honor to be on the road
with these two amazing gentlemen,
they are two really good friends of mine.
Please, put your hands together right now
for Jeff Ross, Dave Attell, Bumping Mics!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Wow!
This is it.
The hottest ticket in New York.
Fuck you, Matilda.
(LAUGHTER)
Take that, Sponge Bob.
Hi everybody, I'm Jeff.
This is my best buddy Dave.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
You look great, Dave.
Thank you.
How was your weekend picking up
bottles and cans at the gay pride parade?
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Jeff looks like every deleted scene
from the movie Taken.
(LAUGHTER)
"We have your daughter."
Thanks, coming from a guy
who looks like he just
threatened Stormy Daniels
in a parking lot.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave wears all his clothes at once
'cause he has no place to live.
Wow.
Can I tell you guys how many times today
the police tried to walk me to a shelter?
I mean, like,
at first it was funny.
(LAUGHTER)
JEFF: What a crowd!
This is gonna be a crazy weekend, dude.
We've been touring all over the country.
Everywhere.
All year, and
We decided to end the tour by coming home
to where this whole
bumping mics thing started
Right here.
Yes, New York.
In Greenwich Village.
In New York.
(APPLAUSE)
We invited a whole bunch of
friends to come out and
People on the shows with us
and opening for us.
And we've got family coming
It's gonna be an amazing weekend.
It is, and let's just see
who's in the crowd.
Start with the front row.
Alright, sure.
Let's see.
I didn't know they had Asian Tinder.
This is nice.
DAVE: Yeah, that is nice.
JEFF: Or whatever you guys are.
This is a fun little
Look how romantic these people are.
DAVE: They're really good.
JEFF: Even Somali boat
pirates can find love.
DAVE: Wow.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
That's a rough trade.
Alright, she's the captain now.
(LAUGHTER, NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
DAVE: He's going in for a double.
So, Somalia
These two right here behind ya
You guys are a beautiful couple.
That's great.
It's good to see Veruca Salt
is back together. Nice to see those guys.
(LAUGHTER)
JEFF: We know which one of you two
is the pitcher and the catcher
'cause your baseball hat's on backwards.
Jeff, you are crushing it
You talking about Tinder, right?
Do you go on there, or no?
I tried it for a while.
How was it?
I just kept swiping until I came
and then I deleted it.
Oh
(THUD)
Good setup, bud.
And I tried the other one, plenty of fish,
you know that one?
Yeah.
Anyone try that one?
No.
I caught a whale and three catfish.
Ouch.
Some of them are here tonight.
How you doing?
(DAVE LAUGHS)
I don't know, I've never been married,
but I do love weddings.
DAVE: You do?
So if anyone here is ovulating
and needs a green card, hit me up.
So that's why you dress like a DJ?
(LAUGHTER)
I love how you're making fun
of how I dress.
Yeah?
What are you talking about?
Dave, that outfit makes a statement.
What is it?
"I know how to delete a hard drive."
(LAUGHTER)
Ouch.
Dave!
Hold on, I'm taking a beating here.
Dave, that outfit makes a statement.
What is it?
"Table for one?"
(LAUGHTER)
Dave, you look like you shop at AutoZone.
Thanks.
(LAUGHTER)
Can I just do this
for the rest of the night?
Go, hit me with it,
get it out of your system.
It's fine.
Jeff, if you can believe in yourself
half as much as you do in cream cheese,
I will be a happy man.
If we get that one thing. Oh my, woah!
Thanos from Infinity War
has turned up, watch out.
Alert the Avengers.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm trying to slim down, buddy.
You look good.
I was at the gym today for three hours.
I did 45 minutes of Instagram.
Uh-huh.
(LAUGHTER)
One minute of cardio
Yeah.
then I went to the smoothie bar
for the rest of the afternoon.
I ordered an extra thick and delicious,
I get all the stuff in there.
I was like, "Let me get
five shots of wheat grass,
some bee pollen, some dolphin cum
some Mother Teresa's breast milk."
Alright, we get it.
Extra thick, you ever get it?
(SUCKING NOISE)
(DAVE LAUGHS)
Where you gotta use your knees
to fucking
(LAUGHTER)
That's when I really burn the calories,
trying to suck a banana through a straw.
(SUCKING NOISE)
DAVE: Oh
Man.
I felt a blueberry hit my brain.
That's crazy.
I felt like a workout just telling
Oh, thank you buddy.
Your timing's perfect.
You want one?
No, I'm good.
Alright.
I'll leave them here.
What's my workout?
What's your workout, Dave?
Excellent setup.
Thanks, uh
Give it up for improve.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
You're in great shape.
You probably don't even work out.
Oh, fuck. I mean I
I used to work out,
but I hurt my back carrying the show.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, APPLAUSE)
(THUDS)
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
Jeff, where are you going?
I'm just gonna
You think now you're in the penalty box.
I'm just gonna watch for a while.
Now this looks like a tutorial
on how to fix a drain.
(LAUGHTER)
Here's my workout, Jeff.
I'm glad you brought it up.
Yeah.
I like to sit
in a playground
till all the children point.
And then I just run and run and run
till I stop hearing sirens.
No wonder you're in such good shape.
I'm in awesome shape.
I do smoke, of course,
I mean know that's lupoo.
I wish you would stop. I really wish.
Well listen, lady, I'm smoking, alright?
But, Jeff, I smoke these cigarettes.
Which ones?
The Native American cigarettes.
American Spirits.
These are made by Native Americans.
Yeah.
And there's no reason
why they would want to hurt us.
So I think
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
These are the best ones out there.
Jeff, you, uh
Every now and then.
You have a little (VOCALIZES) You know?
I just love that pot
You can get it anywhere now.
Like you go to pot stores,
you can go to
I used to have to go to Washington Square.
When I was in college,
I'd have to go there at midnight
in the rain and pretend to play chess.
(LAUGHTER)
Fucking humiliating.
By the way, I learned something
about Dave the other day.
He knows how to play chess.
You are good.
You hustled this guy in the park.
I know prison chess,
I'll play for a blowjob.
(LAUGHTER)
Pack of smokes and a blowjob.
Oh, no!
Dammit!
There's nothing more interesting
on TV then chess.
I think we like the circus aspect of it.
Of the, like, working without a net.
We really don't know
what's going to happen.
I'm coming for you, buddy.
You were good, man.
I'm going to say that right now.
I'm going to take this pawn.
No! That was my favorite of the pawns.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Stand-up comedy, the way it should be,
should be almost this kind of like
one of a kind disposable experience.
Are you smoking pot in the park?
Is that illegal or not?
No, I think it's mandatory,
you're supposed to be.
Medical marijuana, I just want to say
I've been living out in California.
It pretty much saved my life.
It did?
I was dying of anorexia.
(LAUGHTER)
Just this afternoon,
I felt a little anorexia kicking in.
DAVE: Yep.
Smoked a little doobie,
I was fucking cured.
Bang.
I was at Mamoun's 20 minutes later
having falafel.
With extra hummus.
Oh!
You guys like hummus?
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
I think the president
calls it terrorist peanut butter.
It is so good.
(THUD)
It goes down smooth,
but it comes out mad, you know that.
(LAUGHTER)
That is a hard dump,
I'll tell you that right now.
Dim the lights. You know the kind
you know when you start sitting
but end up kneeling?
Have you ever had one of those?
A protest dump.
Exactly.
Where you gotta wipe
the back of your legs, anybody?
You really are taking a knee.
I'm a very big supporter
of the football protest, taking a knee.
'Cause this was my actual position
in high school football.
(LAUGHTER)
"Liebshultz, take a knee."
"Fuck you, Coach, I hate this country."
(LAUGHTER)
What about you? Are you political
with the take a knee thing?
I think the home team should take a knee
and that the visitors should sit in their laps
and whoever giggles first receives the ball.
That's the way I see it.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
We started doing this Bumping Mics thing
without realizing we were even doing it.
You'd be on stage,
just working out a new joke,
you know, not making money,
just doing it for the love of the game.
And you'd invite me on and we'd just
start riffing together for ourselves.
We were just doing 20-30 minutes of
whatever made us laugh.
Yeah.
Hey, can I tell him some jokes?
Hey listen, the other day
I was walking around the park
and I saw a guy masturbating.
Took me almost two hours to find one!
We both bring different skill sets
to the stage
and together it meshes up, sometimes.
Sometimes, it doesn't.
But, if you ask me again,
I would like to think that we're a group.
Kind of like The White Stripes.
We say we're brother/sister,
but we're really husband/wife.
You're not a cop, are you?
People want their comedy not watered down.
Not softened through no lenses.
They want it raw and right to the gut.
And I think the way we do
our Bumping Mics show,
there's no subtleties.
The one thing I will tell you,
no matter how hard you try
you will offend somebody in that room.
I love performing in the room
that Anne Frank hid in from the Nazis.
It really is creepy in here.
Wake up, Annie, the war's over.
I did feel bad. I was in Amsterdam
at that Anne Frank museum
and I didn't realize it and I was
making out with some chick in the attic.
I had to be like,
"Shh, we're gonna get in trouble!"
(LAUGHTER)
Any Anne Frank fans here tonight?
(LAUGHTER)
Too soon.
I waited 75 years to tell
the fucking joke.
I know.
I give that joke three heils.
I think it's awesome.
Oh, grow up.
By the way, when I was a kid
I read that book in Hebrew school,
The Diary of Anne Frank
Did you read it? I cried.
But then I got a little older
and I read the diaries
of the other people
that she shared that attic with.
They all thought she was a cunt, so
(LAUGHTER)
Where are my Brooklyn people at?
Where are my Brooklyn right there?
Boom.
You guys are so amazing,
according to yourselves.
You really are.I mean, honestly
(LAUGHTER)
If you're here, I don't know who's
running the vape shop, but I'll tell ya.
Jeff, I went to this,
the Brooklyn Aquarium, you know?
I've never been there.
Probably the worst aquarium
I've ever been to in my life.
Why?
I'm going to say right now,
I've learned more about the ocean
working at a Red Lobster then I did
I thought I was looking at a jellyfish,
turned out to be a Rite-Aid bag
a guy had thrown out.
(LAUGHTER)
The world's turning upside down, Dave.
Today the president tried to put
the White House on Airbnb.
He did?
(LAUGHTER)
I've roasted him twice.
That's right.
I've known him for 15 years.
He called me on Valentine's day.
He did?
He's like, "How do you spell Melania?"
(LAUGHTER)
This is America's mid-life crisis.
We could have voted
for the sensible min-van, but
no, we had to lease
that '98 orange Ferrari.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
It gets a lot of attention,
but it breaks down every couple of days.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you vote, Jeff?Who did you vote for?
I think the last guy I voted for
was Ruben Studdard.
Really?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(THUD)
But I will say I was kind
of fascinated by that
Kim Jong-Trump summit.
Yeah, Kim Jong Un, that's his name, Un.
Kim Jong "hmm"!
How do you pronounce it?
Kim Jong "hmmmm".
(LAUGHTER)
He keep doing it till you get sleepy.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, he's like, he's building up his
whole team, he's getting out there.
I had a crush on his sister.
Yeah.
Kim Jong Saesi.
She is hot.
She is hot.
Did you watch the royal wedding?
Well, yeah, I did.
What did you guys think?
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
My favorite royal was the Queen's husband,
Prince Phillip.
Yes.
It's like, I never saw a corpse
get out of his own hearse before.
(THUD)
Fuck all of you, that's a great joke.
I'm sorry.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
You know what I think about?
What?
I think about Meghan Markle.
So cool, she was married before.
I wonder what her ex-husband thinks,
I mean
I would love to
Sorry, I'm choking. I, uh
I would love to hear their last fight.
It must have been awesome.
"Oh, you leaving me bitch? Good luck!
What? What?
Do you think you're gonna find
some Prince Charming somewhere
and live in a castle?
You'll be back, whore, I know you will."
Sorry. That'd be good.
JEFF: Are there any New
Jersey people here?
Yeah!
MAN: New Jersey!
I'm from a little town just off
the New Jersey turnpike called
(COUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
It's just west of (CLEARS THROAT)
My Jersey family's here tonight.
No way, where? Let's see 'em.
Yeah, somewhere.
My cousin Jeremy, my aunt Donna,
my uncle Joe.
Jeff, that's your Aunt?
Come up, yeah.
And you're her nephew.
This is my favorite type of porn,
right here.
(LAUGHTER)
Come here.
Aunt and nephew porn.
Here you go.
Dave, this is my aunt Donna.
How are you? You must be so
(GIRL WHOOPING)
You must be so proud, and a little scared.
Right?
I am.
She used to change my diaper.
She did? Well, let me smell your finger.
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck off!
(LAUGHTER)
Go ahead, Aunt Donna.
Did you think that I was gonna
become a comedian when I was little?
No, not at all.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, what did you think he'd be?
Well, he shocked me
when he graduated college.
Wow.
And I thought, "Why are you doing this?"
(LAUGHTER)
Where did he go to school, Aunt Donna?
I went to Boston University.
Longest fucking week of my life.
(DAVE LAUGHS)
No, I graduated.
Yeah, and they honored you.
They named a food court after me.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
For a guy like him,
that's like a library, you know?
This is great.
It looks like a gypsy's
about to grant a wish.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what? When times were tough
and I was starting out,
nobody was as supportive as you,
Aunt Donna,
so thank you for always
being in my corner.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
And more importantly, thank you
for not molesting me like Uncle Joe did.
(LAUGHTER)
Give it up for my Aunt Donna.
She's great.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That was fun.
That was good.
That Aunt Donna,
she could not shut the fuck up.
Am I right or what?
Hey!
I'm just saying, come on.
You know, "blah, blah, blah."
"Blah, blah!"
I thought she was cute.
She's great, I'm just jealous.
There's a guy who kind of looks
like a very famous actor
trying to get to your Aunt Donna.
That's kind of weird.
Who is it?
That's my dad, stand up Dad.
He's a good guy.
What's happening Dad?
(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)
I kind of put him on the spot.
I didn't
I didn't mean to put him on the spot.
One of the biggest movie stars
in the world, Bruce Willis is here.
Oh, good.
Wow. This is like
This is how we party,
our show is a party, Bruce.
That's right, it's all over
once you stop drinking.
High-five him for me!
This is a big thrill for me
because I look like Bruce Willis
if he drowned.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And I did
Wait, let me say one.
JEFF: Yeah.
You look like
the before-the-before Bruce Willis.
(LAUGHTER)
Well at least my act
didn't die hard, like yours.
(AUDIENCE "OHH'S")
(THUD)
Alright.
It's fucking getting out of hand here.
Bruce, for being a good sport
I did get you a present.
Oh, very nice!
I know you play harmonica,
so I got you a harmonica.
(APPLAUSE)
Will you try it out? Does it work?
Now?
CROWD: Yeah!
(PLAYS HARMONICA)
(DAVE VOCALIZES, KEYBOARD PLAYING)
DAVE: Wow.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
I can't laugh no more.
(LAUGHTER)
Love you, Bruce.
Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Emma.
(APPLAUSE)
That was awesome.
That was really fun.
Bruce, you could really play
that fucking harmonica.
(CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Yeah, it's good to have a backup gig,
you know what I'm saying?
You never know.
You think I wanted to be a comic?
I don't really want to be a comic.
What do you want to be?
I want to be a pharmacist.
Really?
Yeah.
When you're a pharmacist, you're kind
of a doctor but also a cashier.
I like that.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
We should do some dedications, right?
Yeah, we've lost a lot of people.
Red, will you play "Amazing Grace"?
Do you know "Amazing Grace"?
Play it soft.
Let's dedicate this show to, uh
some people,
some of our heroes that we lost.
Barbara Bush died again recently.
I thought she died
when I was in high school.
(LAUGHTER)
She was a great American.
First woman to be the wife of a president
the mother of a president,
and a twin sister of George Washington.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHIMES CHIME)
Comments on Barbara Bush?
I enjoyed her oatmeal.
(LAUGHTER)
Her big cause was literacy.
She wanted everybody to be able to read.
I wish she had started with her children.
(LAUGHTER)
She said her one regret in life
was keeping Jeb.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Barbara Bush.
By the way, she was
completely shaved down here.
Anybody else read that
in her 1998 autobiography?
Bush's Bush.
Sad.
Joe Jackson, Michael Jackson's dad
just passed away.
That's a sad one. He's probably
at the pearly gates right now
but God's like, "Beat it."
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Sorry, that was good.
Verne Troyer, mini me.
Oh, Jeff.
I always say these things
happen in two and a halfs.
Wow. Jeff,
that's too sad.
I remember the flags were at half-staff
at Toys 'R' Us.
And, uh
my mini-storage place was closed.
Really?
No.
I gotta mention
the great astrophysicist, Stephen Hawking.
Wow.
So sad.
It was just a couple months ago
his nurse came in
and discovered his lifeless body.
And three hours later, he died.
DAVE: Sad.
Jeff,
I knew he was sick
because my printer stopped working.
And I do see Noam is here somewhere,
the owner of the Comedy Cellar.
Thank you, Noam, for helping us do this.
Thanks, Noam.
I want to dedicate tonight's show to
(APPLAUSE)
a big believer,
your dad, who created this
whole scene down here,
Manny Dwarmon.
He's in a better place now,
Caroline's in Times Square.
(LAUGHTER)
Give it up for the people we lost.
Yes, do it.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
We have some great people
in the crowd tonight.
Well Michelle said she's gonna come by.
I was on the road all year and I go to
bring up a really funny comedian
every single night.
We got to see the whole world together.
And now, she's like taken off.
It's our friend, Michelle Wolf.
Awesome, here she comes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I think she's here.
Not here?
Where is she?
Wait, what?
She'll be back.
Okay. Jeff, I have Jeff!
Jeff, I knew Jeff
I just gave her
the best fucking intro ever.
(LAUGHTER)
I know, right? Wow.
I'm going to play drums
for the rest of the fucking show.
(LAUGHTER)
I love that little look
of defeat in your eyes.
It's been, like, a stressful time lately.
I don't know if they hear about
the Olympic swimmer guy, Michael Phelps.
They probably haven't heard the news yet.
What happened?
He was, um
on his honeymoon in Hawaii,
he went swimming in the ocean
and there was no wall
for him to turn around on
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man.
Nobody's seen him for three days.
(COMIC RIMSHOT)
He's such a
Oh, look who's here, finally.
Great.
Michelle Wolf, everyone.
The amazing and talented, Michelle.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We were worried about you.
I'm worried about you,
you're eating a banana.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a long time, I got hungry.
Of course you did.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
We bump mics at the end.
Oh, sorry. Terrifying.
(LAUGHTER)
Where were you?
Were you out fighting the power?
Punching up?
Where were you?
'Cause I know you're very busy.
Yeah, I had to do a quick march.
(DAVE LAUGHS)
And everything's solved.
(LAUGHTER)
That's all you have to do.
She's a long-distance runner,
did you know that?
That is true, I've seen her
I'm fun all the time.
Yeah.
Is long-distance running like,
I mean, who do you brag to?
I guess your cat when you get back, right?
"What was my time, Pinky?"
(LAUGHTER)
What's your normal day like? How many
If I, on the weekend, I do 10-ish.
Holy mackerel.
What you think, Jeff?
Ten miles a day.
And you never thought to run
to a hair salon or anything?
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
I'm like if Marsha Clarke
dropped out of law school.
(LAUGHTER)
What do you think of like porn and stuff?
What do you think of it Michelle?
I think men are watching too much.
You think so?
Yeah.
It takes men longer to cum
and then I'm just like,
"You've gotta, I have things to do!"
Oh, it takes us longer to cum?
Yes! It's just, I don't know.
This lie about women liking long sex is,
men made it up.
(LAUGHTER)
I've been down on a chick and I can feel
the season change on the back of my neck.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah.
I went down there, it was winter corn.
I come up, it's summer squash.
I'm like what happened here, yeah.
It was like an entire harvest.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Michelle, I just had
to throw in my two cents.
Before it's illegal.
I'm gonna sit down
and take a break for a while.
Look at this guy.
Jeff, you look like the saddest genie.
You know
I think Michelle was so cool to come over,
give her a hand guys.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
She is so funny.
Thanks, guys.
JEFF: Dave, what
makes you laugh?
Like, what's the funniest thing to you?
Well, what I love is when we're on stage
and something we didn't even think about
comes together, that's the beauty
of when it's you and me together.
Either you said something
or I said something
and then someone else completes it
and it's like a boom.
Yeah.
Big laugh, I'm always like,
"Wow, I love that."
It's like a double play.
You never get tired of that feeling.
And that happens so rarely,
but when it does you're like,
"Wow, that was worth it,
that was so cool."
We had a few of those tonight.
And, you know, luckily they're on tape.
So, let's take a look back
at our most favorite wows.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Sorry guys, I grew up I'm a MTV's VJ.
Let's look at our mmhmm's and our wow's.
I saw these two guys walk in
in the back, they look like twins.
Yes.
Holy shit.
That's great, bring them up here, Jeff.
Come here!
(APPLAUSE)
Holy fuck.
DAVE: This is great.
Dave, what is happening right now?
Come on over here, fellas. How are you?
Dave!
This is great.
I feel like we just got a gift
from roast heaven.
This is awesome.
You look like you manage them.
This looks great.
You look like
This is perfect.
Bruce, get the mouth organ ready,
this is gonna get crazy.
What the hell, what's your name?
I'm Ray and this is Mike.
DAVE: Nice.
We're twin towers.
You are.
You're the twin towers?
Hey.
Wow.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, come on. Let them earn it.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
You're like the twin towers
if they burnt and never fell down.
Oh, shit.
Too much, fuck you Jeff.
That's inappropriate.
Woah.
Back to you, Ellen.
Jesus.
You guys are fun, how do you have time
to wear matching tennis outfits?
Yeah, that's pretty good.
So how tall are you guys?
Six foot, nine.
Woah, ladies, did you hear that?
Just a little under seven feet,
we're like right there.
Wow, okay, let me ask some
twin questions, okay?
When you cum, does he cry?
Like, I have so many questions.
I'm sorry, I was home schooled.
I don't know my way around such things.
Give it up for the twin towers.
Thank you, buddy.
Thank you.
That was awesome, thank you.
Jeff, that was great.
This is pretty nuts.
My good pal Rachel Feinstein is here.
Yes, Rachel.
(APPLAUSE)
Rachel, come say hi.
Nikki Glaser,
one of my favorites,
and Amy Schumer, everybody.
DAVE: Very nice.
JEFF: Come say hi.
I love you guys.
Come on up here, thank you.
Come on up.
Thanks, Nik.
It's so fun.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
DAVE: Thank you.
Good luck following those twins.
Yeah! Oh, my God.
Doublemint.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
Welcome to
"take your daughter to work" day.
Papa!
When you guys were in the
Dixie Chicks, let me ask you this
Yeah.
Rachel, you look great.
How was your
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel audition?
Wow.
I love that outfit.
I got a callback, they want me.
(LAUGHTER)
Amy, thank you for wearing
the lining to a nicer dress.
(LAUGHTER)
Wait, that's literally what this is.
I love what?
Can I say something?
I know all these guys,
but Amy is from my hometown.
We went to the same Hebrew school,
my mom taught her at Hebrew school.
She's good to all of us,
her family and all that stuff.
And, you know, it's really like,
can I say you just got married?
Everyone knows.
Yeah, I just got married.
She got married.
(CHEERING)
And, by the way,
Rachel's getting married
in a couple of months.
That's right.
And Nikki just got a new vibrator.
Wow.
Thank you.
The Womanizer.
It's a win-win-win.
Dave, you're a big vibrator expert,
aren't you?
Well, way to make me the creep.
(LAUGHTER)
We can tell 'em everything
I use three at a time.
Really?
Really, I'm like a one-man band.
It's ridic
Wow! It's gotten to that point for me.
I have one
that I literally plug up with my heel
so it will stay in place
Really?
and I can use the other ones.
It's
What was it?
WOMAN: Diversity.
Diversity? Well no, they're all white.
It's like you don't understand diversity.
But one of them is disabled, correct?
Yeah, one of them is disabled.
That is true, a disabled
woman of color. And, um
Do you know what a strap-on dildo is?
Yeah.
Do you know what it isn't?
A good surprise office gift,
I'll tell you that. Ouch.
We came here out of a sense of duty
and we weren't rooting for you.
We were rooting against
And want us to crash.
No, but it was so funny.
We were having just like the best night.
It's so good to finally see
two middle-aged white guys
getting an opportunity.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
(THUDDING)
You guys are the coolest comics.
Give it up for all of them.
You're the best.
(APPLAUSE)
Rachel, Nikki, love you.
Give it up for the twins,
the ladies,
Bruce and his family, my Aunt Donna.
Thank you for coming out everybody.
We love you.
We're heading towards
the next episode, people.
So get ready.
Let's count it down together, ready?
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five. Four.
It's like New Year's
for another episode of our show.
Bumping Mics, episode two!
I hope that the people out there
I'm talking about the true comedy fans.
It's hard to get anyone
to sit still to watch anything.
And I know they're probably watching this
on their phones right now,
so we should get a little closer.
Okay.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
(INTRO MUSIC PLAYING)
DAVE: Joke writing is my
thing, it's like a passion.
What it is, basically, is you have an idea
you write it as hard as you can, but
at the end of the day, it's like
you've gotta get it on stage.
And it's not a joke
until a crowd laughs at it.
Thanks for coming, you guys.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
JEFF: I love it. I
feel more alive here.
I feel like I absorb new
ideas and tastes and sounds,
feels and influences
when I get to New York.
Yeah, I know, we'll be there
in five minutes.
No, everything's fine.
Hey, they're ready.
Thank you, man. Hello.
WOMAN: Alright, you guys ready
for your main event tonight?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
WOMAN: It has been such an
honor to be on the road
with these two amazing gentlemen,
they are two really good friends of mine.
Please, put your hands together right now
for Jeff Ross, Dave Attell, Bumping Mics!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Wow!
This is it.
The hottest ticket in New York.
Fuck you, Matilda.
(LAUGHTER)
Take that, Sponge Bob.
Hi everybody, I'm Jeff.
This is my best buddy Dave.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
You look great, Dave.
Thank you.
How was your weekend picking up
bottles and cans at the gay pride parade?
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Jeff looks like every deleted scene
from the movie Taken.
(LAUGHTER)
"We have your daughter."
Thanks, coming from a guy
who looks like he just
threatened Stormy Daniels
in a parking lot.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
Dave wears all his clothes at once
'cause he has no place to live.
Wow.
Can I tell you guys how many times today
the police tried to walk me to a shelter?
I mean, like,
at first it was funny.
(LAUGHTER)
JEFF: What a crowd!
This is gonna be a crazy weekend, dude.
We've been touring all over the country.
Everywhere.
All year, and
We decided to end the tour by coming home
to where this whole
bumping mics thing started
Right here.
Yes, New York.
In Greenwich Village.
In New York.
(APPLAUSE)
We invited a whole bunch of
friends to come out and
People on the shows with us
and opening for us.
And we've got family coming
It's gonna be an amazing weekend.
It is, and let's just see
who's in the crowd.
Start with the front row.
Alright, sure.
Let's see.
I didn't know they had Asian Tinder.
This is nice.
DAVE: Yeah, that is nice.
JEFF: Or whatever you guys are.
This is a fun little
Look how romantic these people are.
DAVE: They're really good.
JEFF: Even Somali boat
pirates can find love.
DAVE: Wow.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
That's a rough trade.
Alright, she's the captain now.
(LAUGHTER, NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
DAVE: He's going in for a double.
So, Somalia
These two right here behind ya
You guys are a beautiful couple.
That's great.
It's good to see Veruca Salt
is back together. Nice to see those guys.
(LAUGHTER)
JEFF: We know which one of you two
is the pitcher and the catcher
'cause your baseball hat's on backwards.
Jeff, you are crushing it
You talking about Tinder, right?
Do you go on there, or no?
I tried it for a while.
How was it?
I just kept swiping until I came
and then I deleted it.
Oh
(THUD)
Good setup, bud.
And I tried the other one, plenty of fish,
you know that one?
Yeah.
Anyone try that one?
No.
I caught a whale and three catfish.
Ouch.
Some of them are here tonight.
How you doing?
(DAVE LAUGHS)
I don't know, I've never been married,
but I do love weddings.
DAVE: You do?
So if anyone here is ovulating
and needs a green card, hit me up.
So that's why you dress like a DJ?
(LAUGHTER)
I love how you're making fun
of how I dress.
Yeah?
What are you talking about?
Dave, that outfit makes a statement.
What is it?
"I know how to delete a hard drive."
(LAUGHTER)
Ouch.
Dave!
Hold on, I'm taking a beating here.
Dave, that outfit makes a statement.
What is it?
"Table for one?"
(LAUGHTER)
Dave, you look like you shop at AutoZone.
Thanks.
(LAUGHTER)
Can I just do this
for the rest of the night?
Go, hit me with it,
get it out of your system.
It's fine.
Jeff, if you can believe in yourself
half as much as you do in cream cheese,
I will be a happy man.
If we get that one thing. Oh my, woah!
Thanos from Infinity War
has turned up, watch out.
Alert the Avengers.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm trying to slim down, buddy.
You look good.
I was at the gym today for three hours.
I did 45 minutes of Instagram.
Uh-huh.
(LAUGHTER)
One minute of cardio
Yeah.
then I went to the smoothie bar
for the rest of the afternoon.
I ordered an extra thick and delicious,
I get all the stuff in there.
I was like, "Let me get
five shots of wheat grass,
some bee pollen, some dolphin cum
some Mother Teresa's breast milk."
Alright, we get it.
Extra thick, you ever get it?
(SUCKING NOISE)
(DAVE LAUGHS)
Where you gotta use your knees
to fucking
(LAUGHTER)
That's when I really burn the calories,
trying to suck a banana through a straw.
(SUCKING NOISE)
DAVE: Oh
Man.
I felt a blueberry hit my brain.
That's crazy.
I felt like a workout just telling
Oh, thank you buddy.
Your timing's perfect.
You want one?
No, I'm good.
Alright.
I'll leave them here.
What's my workout?
What's your workout, Dave?
Excellent setup.
Thanks, uh
Give it up for improve.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
You're in great shape.
You probably don't even work out.
Oh, fuck. I mean I
I used to work out,
but I hurt my back carrying the show.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, APPLAUSE)
(THUDS)
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
Jeff, where are you going?
I'm just gonna
You think now you're in the penalty box.
I'm just gonna watch for a while.
Now this looks like a tutorial
on how to fix a drain.
(LAUGHTER)
Here's my workout, Jeff.
I'm glad you brought it up.
Yeah.
I like to sit
in a playground
till all the children point.
And then I just run and run and run
till I stop hearing sirens.
No wonder you're in such good shape.
I'm in awesome shape.
I do smoke, of course,
I mean know that's lupoo.
I wish you would stop. I really wish.
Well listen, lady, I'm smoking, alright?
But, Jeff, I smoke these cigarettes.
Which ones?
The Native American cigarettes.
American Spirits.
These are made by Native Americans.
Yeah.
And there's no reason
why they would want to hurt us.
So I think
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
These are the best ones out there.
Jeff, you, uh
Every now and then.
You have a little (VOCALIZES) You know?
I just love that pot
You can get it anywhere now.
Like you go to pot stores,
you can go to
I used to have to go to Washington Square.
When I was in college,
I'd have to go there at midnight
in the rain and pretend to play chess.
(LAUGHTER)
Fucking humiliating.
By the way, I learned something
about Dave the other day.
He knows how to play chess.
You are good.
You hustled this guy in the park.
I know prison chess,
I'll play for a blowjob.
(LAUGHTER)
Pack of smokes and a blowjob.
Oh, no!
Dammit!
There's nothing more interesting
on TV then chess.
I think we like the circus aspect of it.
Of the, like, working without a net.
We really don't know
what's going to happen.
I'm coming for you, buddy.
You were good, man.
I'm going to say that right now.
I'm going to take this pawn.
No! That was my favorite of the pawns.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Stand-up comedy, the way it should be,
should be almost this kind of like
one of a kind disposable experience.
Are you smoking pot in the park?
Is that illegal or not?
No, I think it's mandatory,
you're supposed to be.
Medical marijuana, I just want to say
I've been living out in California.
It pretty much saved my life.
It did?
I was dying of anorexia.
(LAUGHTER)
Just this afternoon,
I felt a little anorexia kicking in.
DAVE: Yep.
Smoked a little doobie,
I was fucking cured.
Bang.
I was at Mamoun's 20 minutes later
having falafel.
With extra hummus.
Oh!
You guys like hummus?
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
I think the president
calls it terrorist peanut butter.
It is so good.
(THUD)
It goes down smooth,
but it comes out mad, you know that.
(LAUGHTER)
That is a hard dump,
I'll tell you that right now.
Dim the lights. You know the kind
you know when you start sitting
but end up kneeling?
Have you ever had one of those?
A protest dump.
Exactly.
Where you gotta wipe
the back of your legs, anybody?
You really are taking a knee.
I'm a very big supporter
of the football protest, taking a knee.
'Cause this was my actual position
in high school football.
(LAUGHTER)
"Liebshultz, take a knee."
"Fuck you, Coach, I hate this country."
(LAUGHTER)
What about you? Are you political
with the take a knee thing?
I think the home team should take a knee
and that the visitors should sit in their laps
and whoever giggles first receives the ball.
That's the way I see it.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
We started doing this Bumping Mics thing
without realizing we were even doing it.
You'd be on stage,
just working out a new joke,
you know, not making money,
just doing it for the love of the game.
And you'd invite me on and we'd just
start riffing together for ourselves.
We were just doing 20-30 minutes of
whatever made us laugh.
Yeah.
Hey, can I tell him some jokes?
Hey listen, the other day
I was walking around the park
and I saw a guy masturbating.
Took me almost two hours to find one!
We both bring different skill sets
to the stage
and together it meshes up, sometimes.
Sometimes, it doesn't.
But, if you ask me again,
I would like to think that we're a group.
Kind of like The White Stripes.
We say we're brother/sister,
but we're really husband/wife.
You're not a cop, are you?
People want their comedy not watered down.
Not softened through no lenses.
They want it raw and right to the gut.
And I think the way we do
our Bumping Mics show,
there's no subtleties.
The one thing I will tell you,
no matter how hard you try
you will offend somebody in that room.
I love performing in the room
that Anne Frank hid in from the Nazis.
It really is creepy in here.
Wake up, Annie, the war's over.
I did feel bad. I was in Amsterdam
at that Anne Frank museum
and I didn't realize it and I was
making out with some chick in the attic.
I had to be like,
"Shh, we're gonna get in trouble!"
(LAUGHTER)
Any Anne Frank fans here tonight?
(LAUGHTER)
Too soon.
I waited 75 years to tell
the fucking joke.
I know.
I give that joke three heils.
I think it's awesome.
Oh, grow up.
By the way, when I was a kid
I read that book in Hebrew school,
The Diary of Anne Frank
Did you read it? I cried.
But then I got a little older
and I read the diaries
of the other people
that she shared that attic with.
They all thought she was a cunt, so
(LAUGHTER)
Where are my Brooklyn people at?
Where are my Brooklyn right there?
Boom.
You guys are so amazing,
according to yourselves.
You really are.I mean, honestly
(LAUGHTER)
If you're here, I don't know who's
running the vape shop, but I'll tell ya.
Jeff, I went to this,
the Brooklyn Aquarium, you know?
I've never been there.
Probably the worst aquarium
I've ever been to in my life.
Why?
I'm going to say right now,
I've learned more about the ocean
working at a Red Lobster then I did
I thought I was looking at a jellyfish,
turned out to be a Rite-Aid bag
a guy had thrown out.
(LAUGHTER)
The world's turning upside down, Dave.
Today the president tried to put
the White House on Airbnb.
He did?
(LAUGHTER)
I've roasted him twice.
That's right.
I've known him for 15 years.
He called me on Valentine's day.
He did?
He's like, "How do you spell Melania?"
(LAUGHTER)
This is America's mid-life crisis.
We could have voted
for the sensible min-van, but
no, we had to lease
that '98 orange Ferrari.
Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
It gets a lot of attention,
but it breaks down every couple of days.
(LAUGHTER)
Did you vote, Jeff?Who did you vote for?
I think the last guy I voted for
was Ruben Studdard.
Really?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(THUD)
But I will say I was kind
of fascinated by that
Kim Jong-Trump summit.
Yeah, Kim Jong Un, that's his name, Un.
Kim Jong "hmm"!
How do you pronounce it?
Kim Jong "hmmmm".
(LAUGHTER)
He keep doing it till you get sleepy.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, he's like, he's building up his
whole team, he's getting out there.
I had a crush on his sister.
Yeah.
Kim Jong Saesi.
She is hot.
She is hot.
Did you watch the royal wedding?
Well, yeah, I did.
What did you guys think?
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
My favorite royal was the Queen's husband,
Prince Phillip.
Yes.
It's like, I never saw a corpse
get out of his own hearse before.
(THUD)
Fuck all of you, that's a great joke.
I'm sorry.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
You know what I think about?
What?
I think about Meghan Markle.
So cool, she was married before.
I wonder what her ex-husband thinks,
I mean
I would love to
Sorry, I'm choking. I, uh
I would love to hear their last fight.
It must have been awesome.
"Oh, you leaving me bitch? Good luck!
What? What?
Do you think you're gonna find
some Prince Charming somewhere
and live in a castle?
You'll be back, whore, I know you will."
Sorry. That'd be good.
JEFF: Are there any New
Jersey people here?
Yeah!
MAN: New Jersey!
I'm from a little town just off
the New Jersey turnpike called
(COUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
It's just west of (CLEARS THROAT)
My Jersey family's here tonight.
No way, where? Let's see 'em.
Yeah, somewhere.
My cousin Jeremy, my aunt Donna,
my uncle Joe.
Jeff, that's your Aunt?
Come up, yeah.
And you're her nephew.
This is my favorite type of porn,
right here.
(LAUGHTER)
Come here.
Aunt and nephew porn.
Here you go.
Dave, this is my aunt Donna.
How are you? You must be so
(GIRL WHOOPING)
You must be so proud, and a little scared.
Right?
I am.
She used to change my diaper.
She did? Well, let me smell your finger.
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck off!
(LAUGHTER)
Go ahead, Aunt Donna.
Did you think that I was gonna
become a comedian when I was little?
No, not at all.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, what did you think he'd be?
Well, he shocked me
when he graduated college.
Wow.
And I thought, "Why are you doing this?"
(LAUGHTER)
Where did he go to school, Aunt Donna?
I went to Boston University.
Longest fucking week of my life.
(DAVE LAUGHS)
No, I graduated.
Yeah, and they honored you.
They named a food court after me.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
For a guy like him,
that's like a library, you know?
This is great.
It looks like a gypsy's
about to grant a wish.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what? When times were tough
and I was starting out,
nobody was as supportive as you,
Aunt Donna,
so thank you for always
being in my corner.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
And more importantly, thank you
for not molesting me like Uncle Joe did.
(LAUGHTER)
Give it up for my Aunt Donna.
She's great.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That was fun.
That was good.
That Aunt Donna,
she could not shut the fuck up.
Am I right or what?
Hey!
I'm just saying, come on.
You know, "blah, blah, blah."
"Blah, blah!"
I thought she was cute.
She's great, I'm just jealous.
There's a guy who kind of looks
like a very famous actor
trying to get to your Aunt Donna.
That's kind of weird.
Who is it?
That's my dad, stand up Dad.
He's a good guy.
What's happening Dad?
(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)
I kind of put him on the spot.
I didn't
I didn't mean to put him on the spot.
One of the biggest movie stars
in the world, Bruce Willis is here.
Oh, good.
Wow. This is like
This is how we party,
our show is a party, Bruce.
That's right, it's all over
once you stop drinking.
High-five him for me!
This is a big thrill for me
because I look like Bruce Willis
if he drowned.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And I did
Wait, let me say one.
JEFF: Yeah.
You look like
the before-the-before Bruce Willis.
(LAUGHTER)
Well at least my act
didn't die hard, like yours.
(AUDIENCE "OHH'S")
(THUD)
Alright.
It's fucking getting out of hand here.
Bruce, for being a good sport
I did get you a present.
Oh, very nice!
I know you play harmonica,
so I got you a harmonica.
(APPLAUSE)
Will you try it out? Does it work?
Now?
CROWD: Yeah!
(PLAYS HARMONICA)
(DAVE VOCALIZES, KEYBOARD PLAYING)
DAVE: Wow.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
I can't laugh no more.
(LAUGHTER)
Love you, Bruce.
Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Emma.
(APPLAUSE)
That was awesome.
That was really fun.
Bruce, you could really play
that fucking harmonica.
(CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Yeah, it's good to have a backup gig,
you know what I'm saying?
You never know.
You think I wanted to be a comic?
I don't really want to be a comic.
What do you want to be?
I want to be a pharmacist.
Really?
Yeah.
When you're a pharmacist, you're kind
of a doctor but also a cashier.
I like that.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
We should do some dedications, right?
Yeah, we've lost a lot of people.
Red, will you play "Amazing Grace"?
Do you know "Amazing Grace"?
Play it soft.
Let's dedicate this show to, uh
some people,
some of our heroes that we lost.
Barbara Bush died again recently.
I thought she died
when I was in high school.
(LAUGHTER)
She was a great American.
First woman to be the wife of a president
the mother of a president,
and a twin sister of George Washington.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHIMES CHIME)
Comments on Barbara Bush?
I enjoyed her oatmeal.
(LAUGHTER)
Her big cause was literacy.
She wanted everybody to be able to read.
I wish she had started with her children.
(LAUGHTER)
She said her one regret in life
was keeping Jeb.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Barbara Bush.
By the way, she was
completely shaved down here.
Anybody else read that
in her 1998 autobiography?
Bush's Bush.
Sad.
Joe Jackson, Michael Jackson's dad
just passed away.
That's a sad one. He's probably
at the pearly gates right now
but God's like, "Beat it."
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
Sorry, that was good.
Verne Troyer, mini me.
Oh, Jeff.
I always say these things
happen in two and a halfs.
Wow. Jeff,
that's too sad.
I remember the flags were at half-staff
at Toys 'R' Us.
And, uh
my mini-storage place was closed.
Really?
No.
I gotta mention
the great astrophysicist, Stephen Hawking.
Wow.
So sad.
It was just a couple months ago
his nurse came in
and discovered his lifeless body.
And three hours later, he died.
DAVE: Sad.
Jeff,
I knew he was sick
because my printer stopped working.
And I do see Noam is here somewhere,
the owner of the Comedy Cellar.
Thank you, Noam, for helping us do this.
Thanks, Noam.
I want to dedicate tonight's show to
(APPLAUSE)
a big believer,
your dad, who created this
whole scene down here,
Manny Dwarmon.
He's in a better place now,
Caroline's in Times Square.
(LAUGHTER)
Give it up for the people we lost.
Yes, do it.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
We have some great people
in the crowd tonight.
Well Michelle said she's gonna come by.
I was on the road all year and I go to
bring up a really funny comedian
every single night.
We got to see the whole world together.
And now, she's like taken off.
It's our friend, Michelle Wolf.
Awesome, here she comes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I think she's here.
Not here?
Where is she?
Wait, what?
She'll be back.
Okay. Jeff, I have Jeff!
Jeff, I knew Jeff
I just gave her
the best fucking intro ever.
(LAUGHTER)
I know, right? Wow.
I'm going to play drums
for the rest of the fucking show.
(LAUGHTER)
I love that little look
of defeat in your eyes.
It's been, like, a stressful time lately.
I don't know if they hear about
the Olympic swimmer guy, Michael Phelps.
They probably haven't heard the news yet.
What happened?
He was, um
on his honeymoon in Hawaii,
he went swimming in the ocean
and there was no wall
for him to turn around on
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man.
Nobody's seen him for three days.
(COMIC RIMSHOT)
He's such a
Oh, look who's here, finally.
Great.
Michelle Wolf, everyone.
The amazing and talented, Michelle.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We were worried about you.
I'm worried about you,
you're eating a banana.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a long time, I got hungry.
Of course you did.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
We bump mics at the end.
Oh, sorry. Terrifying.
(LAUGHTER)
Where were you?
Were you out fighting the power?
Punching up?
Where were you?
'Cause I know you're very busy.
Yeah, I had to do a quick march.
(DAVE LAUGHS)
And everything's solved.
(LAUGHTER)
That's all you have to do.
She's a long-distance runner,
did you know that?
That is true, I've seen her
I'm fun all the time.
Yeah.
Is long-distance running like,
I mean, who do you brag to?
I guess your cat when you get back, right?
"What was my time, Pinky?"
(LAUGHTER)
What's your normal day like? How many
If I, on the weekend, I do 10-ish.
Holy mackerel.
What you think, Jeff?
Ten miles a day.
And you never thought to run
to a hair salon or anything?
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
I'm like if Marsha Clarke
dropped out of law school.
(LAUGHTER)
What do you think of like porn and stuff?
What do you think of it Michelle?
I think men are watching too much.
You think so?
Yeah.
It takes men longer to cum
and then I'm just like,
"You've gotta, I have things to do!"
Oh, it takes us longer to cum?
Yes! It's just, I don't know.
This lie about women liking long sex is,
men made it up.
(LAUGHTER)
I've been down on a chick and I can feel
the season change on the back of my neck.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah.
I went down there, it was winter corn.
I come up, it's summer squash.
I'm like what happened here, yeah.
It was like an entire harvest.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Michelle, I just had
to throw in my two cents.
Before it's illegal.
I'm gonna sit down
and take a break for a while.
Look at this guy.
Jeff, you look like the saddest genie.
You know
I think Michelle was so cool to come over,
give her a hand guys.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
She is so funny.
Thanks, guys.
JEFF: Dave, what
makes you laugh?
Like, what's the funniest thing to you?
Well, what I love is when we're on stage
and something we didn't even think about
comes together, that's the beauty
of when it's you and me together.
Either you said something
or I said something
and then someone else completes it
and it's like a boom.
Yeah.
Big laugh, I'm always like,
"Wow, I love that."
It's like a double play.
You never get tired of that feeling.
And that happens so rarely,
but when it does you're like,
"Wow, that was worth it,
that was so cool."
We had a few of those tonight.
And, you know, luckily they're on tape.
So, let's take a look back
at our most favorite wows.
(JEFF LAUGHS)
Sorry guys, I grew up I'm a MTV's VJ.
Let's look at our mmhmm's and our wow's.
I saw these two guys walk in
in the back, they look like twins.
Yes.
Holy shit.
That's great, bring them up here, Jeff.
Come here!
(APPLAUSE)
Holy fuck.
DAVE: This is great.
Dave, what is happening right now?
Come on over here, fellas. How are you?
Dave!
This is great.
I feel like we just got a gift
from roast heaven.
This is awesome.
You look like you manage them.
This looks great.
You look like
This is perfect.
Bruce, get the mouth organ ready,
this is gonna get crazy.
What the hell, what's your name?
I'm Ray and this is Mike.
DAVE: Nice.
We're twin towers.
You are.
You're the twin towers?
Hey.
Wow.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, come on. Let them earn it.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
You're like the twin towers
if they burnt and never fell down.
Oh, shit.
Too much, fuck you Jeff.
That's inappropriate.
Woah.
Back to you, Ellen.
Jesus.
You guys are fun, how do you have time
to wear matching tennis outfits?
Yeah, that's pretty good.
So how tall are you guys?
Six foot, nine.
Woah, ladies, did you hear that?
Just a little under seven feet,
we're like right there.
Wow, okay, let me ask some
twin questions, okay?
When you cum, does he cry?
Like, I have so many questions.
I'm sorry, I was home schooled.
I don't know my way around such things.
Give it up for the twin towers.
Thank you, buddy.
Thank you.
That was awesome, thank you.
Jeff, that was great.
This is pretty nuts.
My good pal Rachel Feinstein is here.
Yes, Rachel.
(APPLAUSE)
Rachel, come say hi.
Nikki Glaser,
one of my favorites,
and Amy Schumer, everybody.
DAVE: Very nice.
JEFF: Come say hi.
I love you guys.
Come on up here, thank you.
Come on up.
Thanks, Nik.
It's so fun.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
DAVE: Thank you.
Good luck following those twins.
Yeah! Oh, my God.
Doublemint.
Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
Welcome to
"take your daughter to work" day.
Papa!
When you guys were in the
Dixie Chicks, let me ask you this
Yeah.
Rachel, you look great.
How was your
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel audition?
Wow.
I love that outfit.
I got a callback, they want me.
(LAUGHTER)
Amy, thank you for wearing
the lining to a nicer dress.
(LAUGHTER)
Wait, that's literally what this is.
I love what?
Can I say something?
I know all these guys,
but Amy is from my hometown.
We went to the same Hebrew school,
my mom taught her at Hebrew school.
She's good to all of us,
her family and all that stuff.
And, you know, it's really like,
can I say you just got married?
Everyone knows.
Yeah, I just got married.
She got married.
(CHEERING)
And, by the way,
Rachel's getting married
in a couple of months.
That's right.
And Nikki just got a new vibrator.
Wow.
Thank you.
The Womanizer.
It's a win-win-win.
Dave, you're a big vibrator expert,
aren't you?
Well, way to make me the creep.
(LAUGHTER)
We can tell 'em everything
I use three at a time.
Really?
Really, I'm like a one-man band.
It's ridic
Wow! It's gotten to that point for me.
I have one
that I literally plug up with my heel
so it will stay in place
Really?
and I can use the other ones.
It's
What was it?
WOMAN: Diversity.
Diversity? Well no, they're all white.
It's like you don't understand diversity.
But one of them is disabled, correct?
Yeah, one of them is disabled.
That is true, a disabled
woman of color. And, um
Do you know what a strap-on dildo is?
Yeah.
Do you know what it isn't?
A good surprise office gift,
I'll tell you that. Ouch.
We came here out of a sense of duty
and we weren't rooting for you.
We were rooting against
And want us to crash.
No, but it was so funny.
We were having just like the best night.
It's so good to finally see
two middle-aged white guys
getting an opportunity.
(LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
(THUDDING)
You guys are the coolest comics.
Give it up for all of them.
You're the best.
(APPLAUSE)
Rachel, Nikki, love you.
Give it up for the twins,
the ladies,
Bruce and his family, my Aunt Donna.
Thank you for coming out everybody.
We love you.
We're heading towards
the next episode, people.
So get ready.
Let's count it down together, ready?
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five. Four.
It's like New Year's
for another episode of our show.
Bumping Mics, episode two!