Bunheads (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 ( Swing music playing ) Wake up in Texas where they treat their women right and then try Hollywood where the stars can live out in broad daylight any city, near or far feels twice as good as where you are when you're sick of the status quo the jet set is the only way to go - ( Music continues ) - ( Cheering, whistling ) Sure, we dance our asses off for two hours, and then five minutes from the end they walk out, stand there, flash their boobs and bring the house down.
- I know.
- That's all they do, twice a show - walk out and stand there.
- And they get paid more.
And they get paid more.
It's a great message we're sending to the girls of America.
"Hey, girls, forget about actually learning to dance.
- Just take your top off and stand there.
" - "And you'll get paid more.
" It's not even about the face.
Half of 'em aren't even pretty.
Mara over there looks like Muammar Gaddafi, but no one cares.
- She still gets paid more.
- So so wrong.
( Scats ) whoa oh! - ( Music ends ) - ( Cheering, applause ) I'd take my top off if I could, but I'm flat as a board.
Maybe I should buy some.
I mean, how much could they be? - Five to seven grand.
- What? No! - Each.
- You pay per boob? If anything in the world should be sold as a pair, it should be boobs.
I heard that gaddafi comment, by the way.
I'm depressed.
Where do you wanna go to get drunk tonight? - I can't.
- Why? It's Tuesday.
- We always get drunk on Tuesday.
- Tonight I am going straight home and straight to bed.
- I have to be in perfect - Why? Tomorrow.
- Because I got it.
- No! The audition for "Chicago"? - 10:00 sharp.
- I can't believe it.
I'm finally going to get to really dance again.
- Fosse, jazz hands.
- God, I'm jealous.
How? My buddy Jimmy Hewson's the new dance captain.
He arranged the whole thing.
Woman: Oh, come on! He's sweet and harmless.
Every time he comes to town he brings you things and buys you dinner.
He's odd and weird and technically a stalker.
- He's lonely.
- He wears gym socks with a suit.
At least you have and admirer.
I've got nothing.
- I buy my own dinner.
- Talia, go distract him, so that I can grab my stuff and slip out the back.
- That's mean.
- Well, I'm a mean girl.
- The sooner he learns that, the better.
- He's been coming here once a month for over a year.
I think he's a slow learner.
Talia, I have to be perfect tomorrow perfect and glowing and 25 by 10:00.
Michelle, hey! Wow, you look great.
- ( Sighs ) - Hey, I thought I missed you, but then I saw your purse on the back of that chair.
I did not look through it, but I figured what lady leaves without her purse? For you.
African roses and the new fall pumps hot off the assembly line.
Thank you, Hubbell.
That's very sweet of you.
You are welcome.
Gosh, seeing you again You just get prettier, you know it? - Oh, I don't think so.
- Well, you do.
Listen, I took the liberty of making us a dinner reservation for tonight.
How does steak sound? - Uhh - I didn't get a chance to take you to dinner the last time I was in town.
You had that sudden terrible flu, remember? Oh, I do.
God, that was a doozy.
( Coughs ) It's lingering.
Listen, I can't go out to dinner with you tonight.
I have a very important appointment in the morning and I need to go home and sleep, but I bet you that Talia, and Hillary, and Lucy would love to go out with you.
Right, girls? Dinner, steak, yum? - Yeah, sure.
- I'll eat.
See? Now you have a harem very Vegas.
Are you sure you couldn't have one drink first? I can't, I'm sorry.
I wish I had known you were gonna be in town.
Well, I left three messages and sent that telegram.
But next time I promise, okay? Uh, thanks for the gifts.
Super sweet.
There's a pair of Dr.
Scholl's in the box, so open it carefully.
- We're just gonna get changed.
- Oh.
So what do we have to do for this dinner? - Nothing.
- Hillary: Really? Guys just get weirder and weirder.
( Alarm buzzing ) 97, 98, 99, 100.
( Exhales deeply ) ( Pop music playing ) It's show time.
Hey hey ( People chatter ) Okay, you can do this.
You have to do this.
Please.
Just do this.
- ( Bell rings ) - Hi, excuse me.
- I'm looking for Jimmy Hewson.
- Michelle.
Hi.
You're on time! Jimmy, hi.
I'm ignoring the surprise in your voice.
I'm sorry.
It's just a little crazy here today.
Okay, so the job is six weeks here in Vegas, six months on the road.
The director is Gary Janetti.
I've told him all about you.
- Whoa.
Thank you.
- With editing.
Gary.
Gary, this is Michelle Simms.
I told you about her.
She's auditioning for the swing position.
Michelle: I'm so excited to dance for you.
I've already run her through the routines.
- So whenever you're ready - No.
- What? - But I'm 25.
- She's not right.
- She's really good.
Please just let me show you the routine.
- I swear you won't be sorry.
- Gary, please.
For me.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm sure you're great.
Good luck.
Where was that list? No, the list that you just had.
Gary.
Gary.
Please, just give me five minutes with this girl.
- I promise you - ( Michelle mutters ) One, two, three, four.
( Instrumental music playing ) ( Distant siren ) Write me off, baby - with those deep down - ( Cap rattles ) ( Rattling ) ( Rattling stops ) Let's take a leap toward the earth - Jeez who died? - Your fashion sense.
Yeah, well, take that tragic face back inside.
I got guests coming over and that is gonna spoil the party.
As long as my face doesn't look like Chris Hansen, you're guess will be fine.
Let's take a leap toward the earth.
( Chattering ) Excuse me.
- Should I ask? - Nope.
So where do you wanna go to get drunk tonight? - Right here seems good.
- Hubbell: Hey, I was wondering if Michelle is here yet.
Are you kidding me? He's still here? He talked about you all night long.
"Michelle is so beautiful.
Michelle is so smart.
Usually tall girls are intimidating.
Michelle's not intimidating.
She's wonderful.
" Dinner was delicious, though.
- He's not cheap, this guy.
- I can't deal with this right now.
Just tell him I died and I'll see him next month.
Aha, Hubbell.
Hi, you scared me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I should've walked up more slowly, I guess.
Gosh! You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Hey, how'd the audition go? - ( Flatly ) It went great.
Fine.
- I knew it.
I knew it would.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Um, Hubbell, I need to start getting ready for the show.
Okay, just open your present first.
( Sighs ) Sure.
- Hubbell.
- Do you like it? Do I like it? It's stunning.
I've never gotten something so beautiful in my life.
My audition did not go great.
It was a disaster.
He wouldn't even let me dance.
Michelle? Can I take you to dinner after the show? If you like, we can order nothing but dessert.
( Chuckles ) Sure.
Dinner would be great.
"No.
" That was it "no.
" "Hey, Gary, this is Michelle.
" "No.
" It was so humiliating.
Everybody in the theater just watching as the over-the-hill loser gets the big heave-ho.
You know, I've been trying to get this audition for a million years and I finally get it - and I don't even get to dance.
- You are not over the hill.
If a director can just look at you and say "no" after three seconds, it's not "no" 'cause you're so young and hot.
It's "no" 'cause you're starting to look like an IHOP cashier.
Hey seriously, dude, "keep 'em coming" was not a euphemism.
There's an IHOP down the street from my office.
The cashier's name is Julie and she's a very attractive woman.
Oh man, this is so pretty.
You are so nice to me.
Why are you so nice to me? - I'm not that nice to you.
- Oh, what are you talking about? You bring me shoes and flowers, and sparkly watches, and you feed my friends.
You keep coming back even though I blow you off like 90% of the time.
I don't think the percentage is that high.
Oh, it is.
I'm awful to you.
- I'm just awful.
- I don't think you're awful.
I think you're the most spectacular girl in the world.
First time I ever saw you on stage, I thought "wow!" Did I fall? You did not fall.
You were perfect.
Have I ever told you about where I live? I live in this beautiful town called paradise.
- Paradise? - It's right on the coast.
Right by the ocean so it's always breezy.
And my house is up on a bluff with big trees in the backyard.
And in my bedroom, there are these big glass doors that open onto a balcony and when you stand there, all you see Is the beautiful blue ocean.
Wow.
I live next door to a hooker.
Look, I know you don't know me from Adam, but I want to take care of you.
That is so nice.
Isn't that nice? Do we know them? Michelle, let me take care of you.
- I don't understand - Marry me.
Oh, Hubbell, no! - I can make you happy.
- No, you don't understand.
I suck at relationships.
I'm like Godzilla.
Men run from me.
They flee.
And not just Japanese men.
All nationalities flee.
- I won't flee.
- Buy some comfortable shoes.
I promise you, I won't flee.
I'll be the one scientist who understands you.
The one who knows that you're not burning the city down because you're evil, you're burning the city down to protect the giant lizard eggs you just laid in a cave by the ocean.
A cave no one knows is there But me.
God, that's beautiful.
No.
You're beautiful.
And you deserve to be happy.
What do you say? Passe releve.
Port de bras.
Shoulders, Melanie.
Lovely, Sasha.
Po-po in, boo.
Where are you looking, Ginny? Passe releve.
Balance, hold hold hold hold.
And relax.
- ( Sighs ) - Oh please, so dramatic.
Mr.
Balanchine once made us do grande battements for two and a half hours.
We only stopped when someone finally dropped dead.
All right, everyone, stretch.
I started stretching every night.
- I'll be able to do that soon.
- I'll alert the media.
Now you're just showing off.
God, it's a stretch, boo.
So you don't have extension.
You can jump.
- Boys jump.
- So be a boy.
- Ballet always needs boys.
- Funny, Melanie.
At least you don't have to wear two bras under your leotard.
- You really wear two bras? - I don't want to talk about it.
You brought it up.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Well, this is it.
Our home.
- Huh.
- Shall we? It's a little eclectic, I know.
I let my mother decorate the place.
- How very Graceland of you.
- Well, she enjoys things being a bit Theatrical, dramatic.
There's a lot of - well, you'll just have to meet her for yourself.
- I cannot wait.
- Mother's a Buddhist.
- Oh.
Hey hey, I tell you what.
Let's go see the den.
Wait wait, were the flowers to the right or the left of the ZZ Top guy? Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
It's all good.
- Can she still pray? - Oh yeah, she'll be fine.
What's with the cookies? ( Piano music playing ) And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now before you go, we still have not found that missing tutu.
If it doesn't show up by the 15th, we will have to cut Clara from "the nutcracker" which will make us look ridiculous.
Check your brothers' closets.
That's where we found sleeping beauty's costume last year.
Also the head of the Joffrey School of Ballet will be coming here to hold auditions next week for their summer scholarship program.
I want all of you to perform at your very best.
Do not humiliate me.
I am old.
Any tiny shock could kill me.
The sign-up sheet's on the desk.
Class dismissed.
- Ginny, are you going to sign up? - No.
- Why? - There's no way I'll get in.
- But you're a really good dancer.
- They want bodies like Sasha.
I'm going to end up selling real estate like my mother.
- Do you think I should try out? - Not in a snoopy leotard.
- I'm talking to Ginny.
- Try out, don't try out, who cares? It's school.
( Sarcastically ) A whole summer of school.
That's fun.
But you're gonna try out, right? It's not like I've got anything better to do.
- The whole house is looking at me.
- And finally, this is our room.
Oh Hubbell.
- I could stand here forever.
- That's my plan.
You didn't let your mother take a crack at this room, did you? No, she got the rest of the house.
This is mine.
- I can see why you love it.
- You're going to love it too.
- Yeah.
If I never leave this spot.
- Hey, this is your house now.
- We can do whatever you want to make it more comfortable.
- Really? - Can we get rid of the - Woman: What? - Mom! - Yes mom.
I'm here.
Who's this? - This is Michelle.
- Namaste.
- What? - 'Cause you're Buddha.
- "Ist.
" - Ist, Buddhist.
Well, hello, Michelle.
I am Fanny, Hubbell's mother.
What was it in my house you wanted to get rid of? Your house? Her house? - Our house actually.
- Our house, like our house? No our house like our house.
But wait.
You live with your mother like a serial killer? Michelle, could I have a second alone with mom, please? Sure.
I'll just be Somewhere.
Fanny: You what?! - Class is over, boo.
- Five minutes.
- Five minutes is not going to help.
- How does it look? - I'm starving.
- Me too.
- Is my line long? - There's a mirror right there.
- If I look I'm gonna fall.
- Let's get pizza.
Just look first.
I don't know what you did.
What did you do? You have to square off your shoulders.
Who said that? Who's talking? Your right shoulder's pulled too far back.
You have to square it off.
- Hey, it's working! - Who's that? Now lift your leg a little higher, chin up voila.
That was so cool.
That was like suddenly I could hold it! That's how it works.
One day it just clicks.
That was so satisfying.
- Who are you? - She is my daughter-in-law.
- Aren't you? - Uh They got married in Las Vegas.
Isn't that romantic? - Did Elvis do the ceremony? - No, just the guy who owned the drive-through.
Well, I see you're a very traditional girl.
Anyhow, girls, I'd like you to meet - what's your name? - Michelle.
And these are some of the girls from my advanced class.
Melanie, Ginny, Sasha and boo.
- Hey there.
- Now if you'll excuse us, we have a lot to do.
I have decided to throw you a welcome-to-the-family party tonight.
- Oh no, that's not necessary.
- I've already called everyone and told them to spread the word.
You're welcome.
- You girls are all invited too.
- Oh no, you guys don't have to come.
You'll be so bored.
It'll just be a bunch of old people standing around.
Including me.
I'm an oldie too.
- Do you not want us to come? - Well first, I don't know you.
Second of all, it's Saturday night.
Don't you have, like, young people Saturday-night stuff to do? - No.
- Really? Not since the movie theater closed.
Wait, there's no movie theater in this town? It's not so bad.
They open the skating rink in November.
And sometimes Mr.
Feldstein forgets to lock the library door and we go in and read.
- Yeah, that's cool.
- Or we just hang out here.
You're all screwing with me, right? Paradise is a sleepy town.
But we love it, and I'm sure you will too.
Okay, I'm so sorry.
How far away is the nearest movie theater? Okay, girls, go home and get prettied and we'll see you back here at 6:00.
Bye.
Fanny, I don't really need a party.
My son just got married and I didn't get to be at the ceremony, - so I'd like to be at the party.
- Sure.
- You understand? - I do.
- You approve? - Of course.
- Because God forbid I offend you.
- I am not offended.
You're not offended that I want to throw you a wedding party after missing the wedding? I am so relieved.
Now you go get changed and I will see to everything else.
Oh, I don't really have anything else to wear.
You must've packed something that works.
You must've packed.
- You're not pregnant, are you? - Oh God, no.
No no no, not pregnant.
No, um, we just got so carried away in the moment that I didn't think about clothes.
Is there someplace around here that I could go buy something? Absolutely.
Just go down the street here, make a right and look for a store called "sparkles.
" Okay.
Thanks.
I'll go there now.
( Woman vocalizes ) Hi, I'm Truly.
Can I help you? Oh, I'm just looking for something.
Oh, I'm not really a duck person, but that's great.
Really.
Are you looking for something specific? A dress for a party.
A birthday party? Graduation party? Wedding party, actually.
My wedding.
So something black with a veil.
- You're her.
- I'm - The pole dancer from Reno.
- I'm not a pole dancer.
- Who said I was a pole dancer? - They said you weren't pretty.
You weren't supposed to be pretty.
Please wait.
Don't cry.
Truly, are you okay? What's the matter? - Oh God, it's the stripper from Tahoe.
- I'm not a stripper.
She's pretty, Sam.
She wasn't supposed to be pretty.
It's a manufactured pretty.
It's a kit a pretty kit.
- Okay, I'm going to go.
- No, you can't.
You need something for the party.
- Please, I don't need - No, this wedding party is for you and H-Hubbell, right? - Uh yes.
- Well, this is the first time he's going to introduce you to the world as his wife.
He cannot see you in a t-shirt and shorts.
He's already seen me pee behind a cactus in pahrump so I don't think a little casualwear is gonna kill the deal now.
- Wait here.
- Please You took the only man I ever loved in my life so the least you can do is wait here! It was Vegas, by the way.
Not Tahoe.
- No one cares.
- Right.
Here.
Wow.
Oh, this is - forgive the pun, truly beautiful.
- I know.
- She knows.
- Can I try it on? It will fit.
I made it, so I know it will fit.
And it's going to look really good because you are tall and you have very long legs.
Do you need shoes? Please follow me.
I swear they're bigger today than yesterday.
You have an unhealthy obsession with your boobs.
I know.
Just like my mother.
- Do you want? - No.
I'm on a diet.
Joffrey auditions are next week.
How much thinner are you going to be in a week? I don't know.
Thinner.
I'm bored.
I'm going to go find beer.
( Sighs ) I couldn't have gotten my mother's nose.
Sorry I'm late.
- Where's Sasha? - She's looking for beer.
Oh, cool.
- Madame Fanny? - Yes, boo? Um, about the joffrey auditions next week, I was thinking I was going to try out, so I just wanted to ask you should I? - Well, it certainly can't hurt.
- I know but should I? I mean, am I wasting my time? I mean, I know that if I could dance like Sasha And I know that I can turn and I can jump, but I'm not a boy, so I just wanted to ask you should I try? ( Sighs ) Ballet is very hard, boo.
And a lot of it does depend on how you're made.
You have to be realistic.
You're a big-boned girl.
You have a tummy.
Your waist is very short - okay, thank you.
- But none of that means you shouldn't try.
Right? ( Quietly ) Mm-hmm.
Now if you'll excuse me, I probably should make my appearance.
I'll see you inside.
She was right, the little freak.
Okay, here goes nothing.
( Chattering ) ( Chattering stops ) ( Whispering ) ( Door opens ) - Oh God, this is terrible.
- Hey, there she is! Hubbell, thank God.
I've never been more excited to see anyone in my entire life.
Where have you been? People are pointing and staring.
And that wine have you had the wine? My mother is kind of known for her cheap hooch.
- Wow! That is some dress.
- Yeah? - You look so beautiful.
- You look nice too.
Well okay.
Well, let me introduce you to everyone.
Everyone, everyone, this is my wife.
( Laughs ) I can't believe I get to say that my wife.
Anyhow, this is my wife Michelle.
Michelle, this is everyone.
- Hey there, everybody.
- ( Greetings ) - ( Sobs ) - Hi, Truly.
Hi.
I just want to say thank you all for coming and better wine is on the way.
What is wrong with my wine? It has a nun on the label and everything.
Hello, mother.
So? How do you like your party? - It's a great party.
- Good turnout.
It's not every day we have a "playboy" playmate in our midst.
- She's not a "playboy" - Look at that dress.
Truly has outdone herself.
- You met Truly? - I did.
- You know, she and Hubbell used to date.
- Mother, don't.
Oh honey, it was going to come out eventually.
The breakup was hard.
We still don't let her have scissors.
Now let's introduce you to the book club.
- Do you read? - I'm so sorry.
I think I need to get a little air.
Michelle? You all right? This is a really beautiful view.
You said it was a beautiful view and it is.
I'm glad you like it.
- But you didn't tell me you lived with your mother.
- I know.
And I mean, you really live with your mother.
She's everywhere.
This is her house.
Oh, it's my house.
I paid for it.
She has a dance studio in the back.
Her whole life is here.
You didn't tell me any of that.
I was so stunned when you said yes, I didn't want to jinx it.
That's a really big thing to keep from somebody.
And you have this town, and friends, and Truly has got some serious I'm-driving-cross-country- in-diapers-to-kill-you potential.
- And your mother hates me.
- Oh, she's hurt, she's proud.
She'll come around.
She just I don't love you, Hubbell.
I'm sorry, but I don't.
I've never loved anybody, really.
I don't think I'm made that way.
And you're so wonderful.
You deserve to have somebody love you.
I know you don't love me.
I'm not an idiot.
But I don't believe you're not made that way.
- Hubbell - You want to love.
You just haven't found the right person yet.
Maybe you don't trust that anybody is going to understand you.
But I do.
I know exactly what you want.
You want to laugh.
And you want to travel.
You want to be surprised and challenged.
You want to live an unexpected life.
And I intend to give you exactly that.
Wow, good speech.
Wow, good kiss.
Where did you learn to kiss like that? Oh God, don't say your mother! You hire a girl like that to jump out of a cake.
You do not marry her.
Well, Hubbell has some quirky ways.
But I make dresses, he sells shoes, I mean - I know.
Truly! - I just we're so listen to me.
This won't last.
She's a Vegas girl.
Hubbell will bore her and when he does wow, the party's still happening, huh? - Did the new wine show up yet? - Let's go check.
Will you excuse me, Truly? Ah yes.
Here we are.
No nuns! ( Whispering ) What do you two think you're doing? We're about to toast our wedding.
- And not do a spit-take after.
- Have you had sex? Ever? - Don't be smart.
- Mom, that's none of your business.
( Loudly ) This is my party! I did not throw this party so the two of you could have sex during it! Okay, clearly we've dropped the whispering.
Oh, am I embarrassing you? I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have thought a person who just had sex during her mother-in-law's welcome-to-the-family party would be quite so demure.
- Okay, you need to calm down.
- I need to calm down? Oh, that's rich.
You go off to Vegas on a business trip, then you come back, hand me a penn and teller coffee mug and say, "by the way I just got married"?! I'm sorry.
And then you bring her in here and she proceeds to parade around in shorts - What do you have against shorts? - No real lady wears shorts.
In what century are we having this conversation? Oh my God! The quips, the chatter.
Don't you ever just shut up? Mom! Now you listen to me you can all listen to me.
That woman is my wife.
I am sorry if I didn't break it to you in the way you would've liked, but this is my house and I will not have her talked to like that by you.
Or anyone in this town! Got it? Oh God, he's wonderful.
- Hubbell - I love her.
Nothing more to say.
I think my dad is gay.
- Based on what? - Just a feeling.
- More dads are these days.
- I would love to have a gay dad.
- Why? - Just seems fun.
Like there would ba lot of shopping and baking.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
- Boo! Beer! - No thanks.
- Fine, more for me.
- You're going to make yourself sick.
Am I? Hold please.
Two beers, I can still do that.
- What can you do? - You're a mean drunk.
I'm not drunk.
I'm bored.
This town is so boring! Maybe.
But the property values are going through the roof.
I have got to get some new friends.
Melanie: Why don't you suck up to Hubbell's wife? She can be your new friend.
God, I can't believe someone actually married Hubbell.
- Talk about too many beers.
- Hiya, gals! You having a little private party? Can I crash? Domestic? Really? See, if you're going to consume totally empty and might I add illegal calories at least it should be from Belgium.
Hey, cool pictures.
Is this you guys? - That's the Christmas recital.
- Nice.
Are you dressed as socks? It was an original ballet based on really bad gifts.
Fanny's a little twisted.
- You gotta give her that.
- So we heard you're a dancer.
- You did? - Are you? - I am.
- Where do you dance? - Until yesterday, Vegas.
- You were a showgirl? - Yep.
- So you walked around with feathers on your head? Okay, A, I didn't walk, I danced.
And B, there were a lot of feathers on my head, like a flock full.
And you think doing a double pirouette is hard in pointe shoes You can do a double pirouette? - I trained at A.
B.
T.
- How'd you end up in Vegas? - It paid better.
- So not in it for the art of it, huh? ( Softly ) Why are you being so mean? God.
I think Vegas sounds exciting.
It has a lot of Victoria's secrets.
You're the first professional dancer I've ever met.
- Well, except for Fanny.
- Fanny danced with Ballet Russe de Monte Carlo.
That's her in "Coppelia.
" I think being a ballerina is the most wonderful thing in the world.
You want to be a bunhead, huh? Next week they're having auditions for the joffrey summer program.
God, I'm so tired of hearing about the joffrey summer program.
- Blah blah blah.
- That's because you'll almost definitely get in.
I would do anything to get accepted, but I won't.
- Why not? - Look at me.
Well, auditions can be tricky.
Do you have a good audition outfit? - A what? - You have to have a kickass audition outfit, something that makes you feel really powerful.
My go-to outfit was a fire-engine red unitard with a thin gold belt with tassels on it classy.
If I wore a red unitard, I'd look like a crime scene.
Everyone's outfit differs.
It just has to make you feel strong.
That's the key to any audition attitude.
She's talking about a ballet audition, not a Vegas audition.
An audition is an audition.
You have to show up confident and be ready to do or be anything they want in an instant.
I once got an audition for a Broadway show.
Totally last minute.
I grabbed my bag, I ran 30 blocks, I walked in the door it was for "Dreamgirls.
" - I was supposed to be black.
- No way! - What happened? - I got a callback.
- Melanie: Shut up.
- Attitude, my friends.
What exactly happens on an audition? - I mean, what's it like? - Well, it's Okay.
Up.
Everybody up.
Come on.
Let's see.
First we need Aha! All right, ladies, welcome to the audition for the sequel to "cats," working title "dogs.
" Sorry about the 16-hour wait in the alley.
I didn't know it was gonna rain.
Friggin' weather channel.
16-hour wait? Yeah, every audition makes you wait at least 16 hours.
- That's terrible.
- Uh-huh.
Here's your number.
Your number is your name for the duration of the audition.
If we call "number six" and you don't answer 'cause you are waiting to hear "Kathy," you're out of luck.
- This is inhuman.
- Are you auditioning? - This is stupid.
- If you're not auditioning get your butt off my floor before someone jetes through your head.
All right, places on the floor, please.
Move move move.
All right, we need some music.
Music, all right, where's shabba-doo when you need him? Oh God.
Ugh ugh.
Ugh ugh ugh.
Oh okay, here we go.
All right, this will all right, you guys, I want you to follow me.
Let's see what this is all about.
Kablam.
- All right, you ready? - ( Pop music playing ) Oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she sweet? Oh, ain't she nice? You look her over once or twice yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she nice? All right, your turn.
Well, you have to slow it down.
Do I? I have a job.
All right, one time half speed.
Ready, five, six, five, six, seven, eight! Pony pony pony pony, up down, up down, double pirouette and jerk jerk jerk jerk, pas de bourree, pas de bourree, pas de bourree, up down and snake, and snake and snake it to the ground and snake and snake, and fan kick and yeah, and pony pony pony pony and freestyle freestyle freestyle.
Okay.
This time by yourselves.
( Music playing ) A-five, six, seven, eight! Oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street Oh my God.
You guys, it's terrible.
Where's the attitude? Come on, you guys, impress me! From the top.
A five, six, seven, eight.
oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she sweet? Oh, ain't she nice? You look her over once or twice yes, I ask you very confidentially - ain't she nice? - Okay, better.
Number six! - Yo, six! Who's number six? - Oh, I'm six! Six in the front, 12 back where six was.
But I did the whole thing that time.
I know.
I'm just switching things up.
12 in the back.
Move.
All right, you guys, this time? This is for the job! So gimme all you got.
You ready? A-five, six, seven, eight! Oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she sweet? Oh, ain't she nice? You look her over once or twice yes, I ask you very confidentially - ain't she nice? - Nice.
Nice.
Leave your number at the door.
We'll call you or not.
- ( Giggling ) - Hey, number six.
Joffrey's gonna get rocked next week.
Thank you.
- That was fun! - Boo, you were so good! I know, right? Next week's audition is ballet with toe shoes.
It's totally different.
Oh, I was just showing the girls what it was like to audition.
- For what? - "Dogs.
" It's the sequel to "cats.
" I made that up.
- Let's go.
- Go? Where? Sonya dear, two shots.
Leave the bottle.
I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste - What's the matter? - Nothing.
- This is just weird.
- What, sitting here? You're used to dancing on top of the bar, is that it? Okay look, I was not a stripper.
Or a hooker or a playmate.
I know.
I googled you.
- You did? - Are you surprised? Well, you have a boombox.
I am not one of those old women who can't use a computer.
- And that cd collection.
- What's wrong with my cd collection? So sad.
You have got to give those poor girls some better music - to listen to or there's going to be an uprising.
- Oh please.
I'm just saying, it's arab spring unless you discover iTunes pronto.
You should've been a radio personality or an auctioneer.
Instead you decided to dance.
To Hubbell.
I'll drink to that.
- You've done this before.
- Of course I have.
There's no movie theater in this town.
A.
B.
T.
! Full scholarship.
Accepted into the company at 17.
- Very impressive.
- Thank you.
And then after a few years with the company, you left and did some chorus work on Broadway, and then Vegas? - Yep.
- Did you get injured? - No.
- Have a breakdown? - No.
- Develop a dirty ventriloquist act? A friend of mine got a job at caesars and asked if I wanted to come along and I did.
I thought it would be temporary.
It was fun for a while dance, party all night, sleep all day.
And then time slips away, you know? I do.
I know very well.
I hear you danced with ballet russe.
I did.
I was a soloist.
That's amazing.
When did you retire? - When I got pregnant.
- Oh, how very "turning point.
" It was unplanned.
And I thought "well, I can go back after I have the baby," but the father did not decide to stay around and bills had to be paid so I started teaching to make ends meet.
And, well, time slips away, you know? You squandered a lot of potential.
- I know.
- Are you sorry? Every day of my life.
I had all the gifts, all the tools, I just had absolutely no focus.
- Just like Sasha.
- Yeah, what is it with that kid? She doesn't seem to like dancing at all.
Sasha doesn't know what she likes.
Her mother is well, she travels a lot - and her father is gay.
- Really? He won't come out.
Thinks it's a giant secret, but everyone knows.
It's too bad.
There are some lovely single gay men in this town and Sasha would be so much happier if he smiled once in a while.
Well, everyone in their own time, I guess.
That's crap.
Every moment you waste in life is a sin.
Nothing waits for you.
It all just moves on.
Then you turn around one day and your son is married.
Look how you brought that back around to me.
Nice moves.
Do you love him? - He knows that I don't.
- He thinks love will come.
It could.
He's a terrific guy.
And what about you? - Are you a terrific girl? - I'm super handy around the house.
That might be better than love, actually.
I didn't plan any of this, you know.
He just caught me at a really bad time.
My career is pointless.
My apartment is a nightmare.
I'm sick of partying.
I'm sick of Vegas.
I'm sick of me, actually.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going and he's just so kind.
I've never had someone so kind in my life.
I think I could fall in love with him.
I'd sure like myself a lot more if I did.
Well I love my son.
I want him to be happy.
So - ( Rock music playing ) - Let's see if you and I can dance together.
- To this? - I love Jim croce.
- Seriously, iTunes.
- Get over here right now.
42nd street got big Jim Walker he's a pool shootin' son of a gun - yeah, he's big and strong - God, you're terrible.
- Well, you made me be the guy.
- Just follow me.
And when the bad folks all get together at night Hey, I think I'm getting it.
- Maybe this will work.
- Maybe.
And they say you don't tug on superman's cape you don't spit into the wind you don't pull the mask of that ol' lone ranger and you don't mess around with Jim Hey, Scotty! Hey, guy I don't know! Outta South Alabama come a country boy he said, "I'm looking for a man named Jim I am a pool-shooting boy, my name is Willie McCoy but down home they call me slim yeah, I'm looking for the king of 42nd street he drivin' a drop-top Cadillac last week he took all my money and it may sound funny but I come to get my money back and everybody say "Jack, don't you know" Michelle: Truly, yo! There's a bottle on the bar! Take a shot and see if you like me better drunk! I do! Fanny, can you - Truly, what's the matter? - Uh, Hubbell - what about Hubbell? - I'm talking to Fanny.
Fanny: Truly, what about Hubbell? He went driving, looking for the two of you.
He didn't know where you were.
You know the um, the blind corner on myrtle where we tried to get the stop sign, you remember? In September? We tried to get the stop sign or the flashing light? Truly, what happened? It just came out of nowhere I'm so sorry.
( Sobbing )
- I know.
- That's all they do, twice a show - walk out and stand there.
- And they get paid more.
And they get paid more.
It's a great message we're sending to the girls of America.
"Hey, girls, forget about actually learning to dance.
- Just take your top off and stand there.
" - "And you'll get paid more.
" It's not even about the face.
Half of 'em aren't even pretty.
Mara over there looks like Muammar Gaddafi, but no one cares.
- She still gets paid more.
- So so wrong.
( Scats ) whoa oh! - ( Music ends ) - ( Cheering, applause ) I'd take my top off if I could, but I'm flat as a board.
Maybe I should buy some.
I mean, how much could they be? - Five to seven grand.
- What? No! - Each.
- You pay per boob? If anything in the world should be sold as a pair, it should be boobs.
I heard that gaddafi comment, by the way.
I'm depressed.
Where do you wanna go to get drunk tonight? - I can't.
- Why? It's Tuesday.
- We always get drunk on Tuesday.
- Tonight I am going straight home and straight to bed.
- I have to be in perfect - Why? Tomorrow.
- Because I got it.
- No! The audition for "Chicago"? - 10:00 sharp.
- I can't believe it.
I'm finally going to get to really dance again.
- Fosse, jazz hands.
- God, I'm jealous.
How? My buddy Jimmy Hewson's the new dance captain.
He arranged the whole thing.
Woman: Oh, come on! He's sweet and harmless.
Every time he comes to town he brings you things and buys you dinner.
He's odd and weird and technically a stalker.
- He's lonely.
- He wears gym socks with a suit.
At least you have and admirer.
I've got nothing.
- I buy my own dinner.
- Talia, go distract him, so that I can grab my stuff and slip out the back.
- That's mean.
- Well, I'm a mean girl.
- The sooner he learns that, the better.
- He's been coming here once a month for over a year.
I think he's a slow learner.
Talia, I have to be perfect tomorrow perfect and glowing and 25 by 10:00.
Michelle, hey! Wow, you look great.
- ( Sighs ) - Hey, I thought I missed you, but then I saw your purse on the back of that chair.
I did not look through it, but I figured what lady leaves without her purse? For you.
African roses and the new fall pumps hot off the assembly line.
Thank you, Hubbell.
That's very sweet of you.
You are welcome.
Gosh, seeing you again You just get prettier, you know it? - Oh, I don't think so.
- Well, you do.
Listen, I took the liberty of making us a dinner reservation for tonight.
How does steak sound? - Uhh - I didn't get a chance to take you to dinner the last time I was in town.
You had that sudden terrible flu, remember? Oh, I do.
God, that was a doozy.
( Coughs ) It's lingering.
Listen, I can't go out to dinner with you tonight.
I have a very important appointment in the morning and I need to go home and sleep, but I bet you that Talia, and Hillary, and Lucy would love to go out with you.
Right, girls? Dinner, steak, yum? - Yeah, sure.
- I'll eat.
See? Now you have a harem very Vegas.
Are you sure you couldn't have one drink first? I can't, I'm sorry.
I wish I had known you were gonna be in town.
Well, I left three messages and sent that telegram.
But next time I promise, okay? Uh, thanks for the gifts.
Super sweet.
There's a pair of Dr.
Scholl's in the box, so open it carefully.
- We're just gonna get changed.
- Oh.
So what do we have to do for this dinner? - Nothing.
- Hillary: Really? Guys just get weirder and weirder.
( Alarm buzzing ) 97, 98, 99, 100.
( Exhales deeply ) ( Pop music playing ) It's show time.
Hey hey ( People chatter ) Okay, you can do this.
You have to do this.
Please.
Just do this.
- ( Bell rings ) - Hi, excuse me.
- I'm looking for Jimmy Hewson.
- Michelle.
Hi.
You're on time! Jimmy, hi.
I'm ignoring the surprise in your voice.
I'm sorry.
It's just a little crazy here today.
Okay, so the job is six weeks here in Vegas, six months on the road.
The director is Gary Janetti.
I've told him all about you.
- Whoa.
Thank you.
- With editing.
Gary.
Gary, this is Michelle Simms.
I told you about her.
She's auditioning for the swing position.
Michelle: I'm so excited to dance for you.
I've already run her through the routines.
- So whenever you're ready - No.
- What? - But I'm 25.
- She's not right.
- She's really good.
Please just let me show you the routine.
- I swear you won't be sorry.
- Gary, please.
For me.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I'm sure you're great.
Good luck.
Where was that list? No, the list that you just had.
Gary.
Gary.
Please, just give me five minutes with this girl.
- I promise you - ( Michelle mutters ) One, two, three, four.
( Instrumental music playing ) ( Distant siren ) Write me off, baby - with those deep down - ( Cap rattles ) ( Rattling ) ( Rattling stops ) Let's take a leap toward the earth - Jeez who died? - Your fashion sense.
Yeah, well, take that tragic face back inside.
I got guests coming over and that is gonna spoil the party.
As long as my face doesn't look like Chris Hansen, you're guess will be fine.
Let's take a leap toward the earth.
( Chattering ) Excuse me.
- Should I ask? - Nope.
So where do you wanna go to get drunk tonight? - Right here seems good.
- Hubbell: Hey, I was wondering if Michelle is here yet.
Are you kidding me? He's still here? He talked about you all night long.
"Michelle is so beautiful.
Michelle is so smart.
Usually tall girls are intimidating.
Michelle's not intimidating.
She's wonderful.
" Dinner was delicious, though.
- He's not cheap, this guy.
- I can't deal with this right now.
Just tell him I died and I'll see him next month.
Aha, Hubbell.
Hi, you scared me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I should've walked up more slowly, I guess.
Gosh! You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Hey, how'd the audition go? - ( Flatly ) It went great.
Fine.
- I knew it.
I knew it would.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Um, Hubbell, I need to start getting ready for the show.
Okay, just open your present first.
( Sighs ) Sure.
- Hubbell.
- Do you like it? Do I like it? It's stunning.
I've never gotten something so beautiful in my life.
My audition did not go great.
It was a disaster.
He wouldn't even let me dance.
Michelle? Can I take you to dinner after the show? If you like, we can order nothing but dessert.
( Chuckles ) Sure.
Dinner would be great.
"No.
" That was it "no.
" "Hey, Gary, this is Michelle.
" "No.
" It was so humiliating.
Everybody in the theater just watching as the over-the-hill loser gets the big heave-ho.
You know, I've been trying to get this audition for a million years and I finally get it - and I don't even get to dance.
- You are not over the hill.
If a director can just look at you and say "no" after three seconds, it's not "no" 'cause you're so young and hot.
It's "no" 'cause you're starting to look like an IHOP cashier.
Hey seriously, dude, "keep 'em coming" was not a euphemism.
There's an IHOP down the street from my office.
The cashier's name is Julie and she's a very attractive woman.
Oh man, this is so pretty.
You are so nice to me.
Why are you so nice to me? - I'm not that nice to you.
- Oh, what are you talking about? You bring me shoes and flowers, and sparkly watches, and you feed my friends.
You keep coming back even though I blow you off like 90% of the time.
I don't think the percentage is that high.
Oh, it is.
I'm awful to you.
- I'm just awful.
- I don't think you're awful.
I think you're the most spectacular girl in the world.
First time I ever saw you on stage, I thought "wow!" Did I fall? You did not fall.
You were perfect.
Have I ever told you about where I live? I live in this beautiful town called paradise.
- Paradise? - It's right on the coast.
Right by the ocean so it's always breezy.
And my house is up on a bluff with big trees in the backyard.
And in my bedroom, there are these big glass doors that open onto a balcony and when you stand there, all you see Is the beautiful blue ocean.
Wow.
I live next door to a hooker.
Look, I know you don't know me from Adam, but I want to take care of you.
That is so nice.
Isn't that nice? Do we know them? Michelle, let me take care of you.
- I don't understand - Marry me.
Oh, Hubbell, no! - I can make you happy.
- No, you don't understand.
I suck at relationships.
I'm like Godzilla.
Men run from me.
They flee.
And not just Japanese men.
All nationalities flee.
- I won't flee.
- Buy some comfortable shoes.
I promise you, I won't flee.
I'll be the one scientist who understands you.
The one who knows that you're not burning the city down because you're evil, you're burning the city down to protect the giant lizard eggs you just laid in a cave by the ocean.
A cave no one knows is there But me.
God, that's beautiful.
No.
You're beautiful.
And you deserve to be happy.
What do you say? Passe releve.
Port de bras.
Shoulders, Melanie.
Lovely, Sasha.
Po-po in, boo.
Where are you looking, Ginny? Passe releve.
Balance, hold hold hold hold.
And relax.
- ( Sighs ) - Oh please, so dramatic.
Mr.
Balanchine once made us do grande battements for two and a half hours.
We only stopped when someone finally dropped dead.
All right, everyone, stretch.
I started stretching every night.
- I'll be able to do that soon.
- I'll alert the media.
Now you're just showing off.
God, it's a stretch, boo.
So you don't have extension.
You can jump.
- Boys jump.
- So be a boy.
- Ballet always needs boys.
- Funny, Melanie.
At least you don't have to wear two bras under your leotard.
- You really wear two bras? - I don't want to talk about it.
You brought it up.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Well, this is it.
Our home.
- Huh.
- Shall we? It's a little eclectic, I know.
I let my mother decorate the place.
- How very Graceland of you.
- Well, she enjoys things being a bit Theatrical, dramatic.
There's a lot of - well, you'll just have to meet her for yourself.
- I cannot wait.
- Mother's a Buddhist.
- Oh.
Hey hey, I tell you what.
Let's go see the den.
Wait wait, were the flowers to the right or the left of the ZZ Top guy? Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
It's all good.
- Can she still pray? - Oh yeah, she'll be fine.
What's with the cookies? ( Piano music playing ) And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now before you go, we still have not found that missing tutu.
If it doesn't show up by the 15th, we will have to cut Clara from "the nutcracker" which will make us look ridiculous.
Check your brothers' closets.
That's where we found sleeping beauty's costume last year.
Also the head of the Joffrey School of Ballet will be coming here to hold auditions next week for their summer scholarship program.
I want all of you to perform at your very best.
Do not humiliate me.
I am old.
Any tiny shock could kill me.
The sign-up sheet's on the desk.
Class dismissed.
- Ginny, are you going to sign up? - No.
- Why? - There's no way I'll get in.
- But you're a really good dancer.
- They want bodies like Sasha.
I'm going to end up selling real estate like my mother.
- Do you think I should try out? - Not in a snoopy leotard.
- I'm talking to Ginny.
- Try out, don't try out, who cares? It's school.
( Sarcastically ) A whole summer of school.
That's fun.
But you're gonna try out, right? It's not like I've got anything better to do.
- The whole house is looking at me.
- And finally, this is our room.
Oh Hubbell.
- I could stand here forever.
- That's my plan.
You didn't let your mother take a crack at this room, did you? No, she got the rest of the house.
This is mine.
- I can see why you love it.
- You're going to love it too.
- Yeah.
If I never leave this spot.
- Hey, this is your house now.
- We can do whatever you want to make it more comfortable.
- Really? - Can we get rid of the - Woman: What? - Mom! - Yes mom.
I'm here.
Who's this? - This is Michelle.
- Namaste.
- What? - 'Cause you're Buddha.
- "Ist.
" - Ist, Buddhist.
Well, hello, Michelle.
I am Fanny, Hubbell's mother.
What was it in my house you wanted to get rid of? Your house? Her house? - Our house actually.
- Our house, like our house? No our house like our house.
But wait.
You live with your mother like a serial killer? Michelle, could I have a second alone with mom, please? Sure.
I'll just be Somewhere.
Fanny: You what?! - Class is over, boo.
- Five minutes.
- Five minutes is not going to help.
- How does it look? - I'm starving.
- Me too.
- Is my line long? - There's a mirror right there.
- If I look I'm gonna fall.
- Let's get pizza.
Just look first.
I don't know what you did.
What did you do? You have to square off your shoulders.
Who said that? Who's talking? Your right shoulder's pulled too far back.
You have to square it off.
- Hey, it's working! - Who's that? Now lift your leg a little higher, chin up voila.
That was so cool.
That was like suddenly I could hold it! That's how it works.
One day it just clicks.
That was so satisfying.
- Who are you? - She is my daughter-in-law.
- Aren't you? - Uh They got married in Las Vegas.
Isn't that romantic? - Did Elvis do the ceremony? - No, just the guy who owned the drive-through.
Well, I see you're a very traditional girl.
Anyhow, girls, I'd like you to meet - what's your name? - Michelle.
And these are some of the girls from my advanced class.
Melanie, Ginny, Sasha and boo.
- Hey there.
- Now if you'll excuse us, we have a lot to do.
I have decided to throw you a welcome-to-the-family party tonight.
- Oh no, that's not necessary.
- I've already called everyone and told them to spread the word.
You're welcome.
- You girls are all invited too.
- Oh no, you guys don't have to come.
You'll be so bored.
It'll just be a bunch of old people standing around.
Including me.
I'm an oldie too.
- Do you not want us to come? - Well first, I don't know you.
Second of all, it's Saturday night.
Don't you have, like, young people Saturday-night stuff to do? - No.
- Really? Not since the movie theater closed.
Wait, there's no movie theater in this town? It's not so bad.
They open the skating rink in November.
And sometimes Mr.
Feldstein forgets to lock the library door and we go in and read.
- Yeah, that's cool.
- Or we just hang out here.
You're all screwing with me, right? Paradise is a sleepy town.
But we love it, and I'm sure you will too.
Okay, I'm so sorry.
How far away is the nearest movie theater? Okay, girls, go home and get prettied and we'll see you back here at 6:00.
Bye.
Fanny, I don't really need a party.
My son just got married and I didn't get to be at the ceremony, - so I'd like to be at the party.
- Sure.
- You understand? - I do.
- You approve? - Of course.
- Because God forbid I offend you.
- I am not offended.
You're not offended that I want to throw you a wedding party after missing the wedding? I am so relieved.
Now you go get changed and I will see to everything else.
Oh, I don't really have anything else to wear.
You must've packed something that works.
You must've packed.
- You're not pregnant, are you? - Oh God, no.
No no no, not pregnant.
No, um, we just got so carried away in the moment that I didn't think about clothes.
Is there someplace around here that I could go buy something? Absolutely.
Just go down the street here, make a right and look for a store called "sparkles.
" Okay.
Thanks.
I'll go there now.
( Woman vocalizes ) Hi, I'm Truly.
Can I help you? Oh, I'm just looking for something.
Oh, I'm not really a duck person, but that's great.
Really.
Are you looking for something specific? A dress for a party.
A birthday party? Graduation party? Wedding party, actually.
My wedding.
So something black with a veil.
- You're her.
- I'm - The pole dancer from Reno.
- I'm not a pole dancer.
- Who said I was a pole dancer? - They said you weren't pretty.
You weren't supposed to be pretty.
Please wait.
Don't cry.
Truly, are you okay? What's the matter? - Oh God, it's the stripper from Tahoe.
- I'm not a stripper.
She's pretty, Sam.
She wasn't supposed to be pretty.
It's a manufactured pretty.
It's a kit a pretty kit.
- Okay, I'm going to go.
- No, you can't.
You need something for the party.
- Please, I don't need - No, this wedding party is for you and H-Hubbell, right? - Uh yes.
- Well, this is the first time he's going to introduce you to the world as his wife.
He cannot see you in a t-shirt and shorts.
He's already seen me pee behind a cactus in pahrump so I don't think a little casualwear is gonna kill the deal now.
- Wait here.
- Please You took the only man I ever loved in my life so the least you can do is wait here! It was Vegas, by the way.
Not Tahoe.
- No one cares.
- Right.
Here.
Wow.
Oh, this is - forgive the pun, truly beautiful.
- I know.
- She knows.
- Can I try it on? It will fit.
I made it, so I know it will fit.
And it's going to look really good because you are tall and you have very long legs.
Do you need shoes? Please follow me.
I swear they're bigger today than yesterday.
You have an unhealthy obsession with your boobs.
I know.
Just like my mother.
- Do you want? - No.
I'm on a diet.
Joffrey auditions are next week.
How much thinner are you going to be in a week? I don't know.
Thinner.
I'm bored.
I'm going to go find beer.
( Sighs ) I couldn't have gotten my mother's nose.
Sorry I'm late.
- Where's Sasha? - She's looking for beer.
Oh, cool.
- Madame Fanny? - Yes, boo? Um, about the joffrey auditions next week, I was thinking I was going to try out, so I just wanted to ask you should I? - Well, it certainly can't hurt.
- I know but should I? I mean, am I wasting my time? I mean, I know that if I could dance like Sasha And I know that I can turn and I can jump, but I'm not a boy, so I just wanted to ask you should I try? ( Sighs ) Ballet is very hard, boo.
And a lot of it does depend on how you're made.
You have to be realistic.
You're a big-boned girl.
You have a tummy.
Your waist is very short - okay, thank you.
- But none of that means you shouldn't try.
Right? ( Quietly ) Mm-hmm.
Now if you'll excuse me, I probably should make my appearance.
I'll see you inside.
She was right, the little freak.
Okay, here goes nothing.
( Chattering ) ( Chattering stops ) ( Whispering ) ( Door opens ) - Oh God, this is terrible.
- Hey, there she is! Hubbell, thank God.
I've never been more excited to see anyone in my entire life.
Where have you been? People are pointing and staring.
And that wine have you had the wine? My mother is kind of known for her cheap hooch.
- Wow! That is some dress.
- Yeah? - You look so beautiful.
- You look nice too.
Well okay.
Well, let me introduce you to everyone.
Everyone, everyone, this is my wife.
( Laughs ) I can't believe I get to say that my wife.
Anyhow, this is my wife Michelle.
Michelle, this is everyone.
- Hey there, everybody.
- ( Greetings ) - ( Sobs ) - Hi, Truly.
Hi.
I just want to say thank you all for coming and better wine is on the way.
What is wrong with my wine? It has a nun on the label and everything.
Hello, mother.
So? How do you like your party? - It's a great party.
- Good turnout.
It's not every day we have a "playboy" playmate in our midst.
- She's not a "playboy" - Look at that dress.
Truly has outdone herself.
- You met Truly? - I did.
- You know, she and Hubbell used to date.
- Mother, don't.
Oh honey, it was going to come out eventually.
The breakup was hard.
We still don't let her have scissors.
Now let's introduce you to the book club.
- Do you read? - I'm so sorry.
I think I need to get a little air.
Michelle? You all right? This is a really beautiful view.
You said it was a beautiful view and it is.
I'm glad you like it.
- But you didn't tell me you lived with your mother.
- I know.
And I mean, you really live with your mother.
She's everywhere.
This is her house.
Oh, it's my house.
I paid for it.
She has a dance studio in the back.
Her whole life is here.
You didn't tell me any of that.
I was so stunned when you said yes, I didn't want to jinx it.
That's a really big thing to keep from somebody.
And you have this town, and friends, and Truly has got some serious I'm-driving-cross-country- in-diapers-to-kill-you potential.
- And your mother hates me.
- Oh, she's hurt, she's proud.
She'll come around.
She just I don't love you, Hubbell.
I'm sorry, but I don't.
I've never loved anybody, really.
I don't think I'm made that way.
And you're so wonderful.
You deserve to have somebody love you.
I know you don't love me.
I'm not an idiot.
But I don't believe you're not made that way.
- Hubbell - You want to love.
You just haven't found the right person yet.
Maybe you don't trust that anybody is going to understand you.
But I do.
I know exactly what you want.
You want to laugh.
And you want to travel.
You want to be surprised and challenged.
You want to live an unexpected life.
And I intend to give you exactly that.
Wow, good speech.
Wow, good kiss.
Where did you learn to kiss like that? Oh God, don't say your mother! You hire a girl like that to jump out of a cake.
You do not marry her.
Well, Hubbell has some quirky ways.
But I make dresses, he sells shoes, I mean - I know.
Truly! - I just we're so listen to me.
This won't last.
She's a Vegas girl.
Hubbell will bore her and when he does wow, the party's still happening, huh? - Did the new wine show up yet? - Let's go check.
Will you excuse me, Truly? Ah yes.
Here we are.
No nuns! ( Whispering ) What do you two think you're doing? We're about to toast our wedding.
- And not do a spit-take after.
- Have you had sex? Ever? - Don't be smart.
- Mom, that's none of your business.
( Loudly ) This is my party! I did not throw this party so the two of you could have sex during it! Okay, clearly we've dropped the whispering.
Oh, am I embarrassing you? I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have thought a person who just had sex during her mother-in-law's welcome-to-the-family party would be quite so demure.
- Okay, you need to calm down.
- I need to calm down? Oh, that's rich.
You go off to Vegas on a business trip, then you come back, hand me a penn and teller coffee mug and say, "by the way I just got married"?! I'm sorry.
And then you bring her in here and she proceeds to parade around in shorts - What do you have against shorts? - No real lady wears shorts.
In what century are we having this conversation? Oh my God! The quips, the chatter.
Don't you ever just shut up? Mom! Now you listen to me you can all listen to me.
That woman is my wife.
I am sorry if I didn't break it to you in the way you would've liked, but this is my house and I will not have her talked to like that by you.
Or anyone in this town! Got it? Oh God, he's wonderful.
- Hubbell - I love her.
Nothing more to say.
I think my dad is gay.
- Based on what? - Just a feeling.
- More dads are these days.
- I would love to have a gay dad.
- Why? - Just seems fun.
Like there would ba lot of shopping and baking.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
- Boo! Beer! - No thanks.
- Fine, more for me.
- You're going to make yourself sick.
Am I? Hold please.
Two beers, I can still do that.
- What can you do? - You're a mean drunk.
I'm not drunk.
I'm bored.
This town is so boring! Maybe.
But the property values are going through the roof.
I have got to get some new friends.
Melanie: Why don't you suck up to Hubbell's wife? She can be your new friend.
God, I can't believe someone actually married Hubbell.
- Talk about too many beers.
- Hiya, gals! You having a little private party? Can I crash? Domestic? Really? See, if you're going to consume totally empty and might I add illegal calories at least it should be from Belgium.
Hey, cool pictures.
Is this you guys? - That's the Christmas recital.
- Nice.
Are you dressed as socks? It was an original ballet based on really bad gifts.
Fanny's a little twisted.
- You gotta give her that.
- So we heard you're a dancer.
- You did? - Are you? - I am.
- Where do you dance? - Until yesterday, Vegas.
- You were a showgirl? - Yep.
- So you walked around with feathers on your head? Okay, A, I didn't walk, I danced.
And B, there were a lot of feathers on my head, like a flock full.
And you think doing a double pirouette is hard in pointe shoes You can do a double pirouette? - I trained at A.
B.
T.
- How'd you end up in Vegas? - It paid better.
- So not in it for the art of it, huh? ( Softly ) Why are you being so mean? God.
I think Vegas sounds exciting.
It has a lot of Victoria's secrets.
You're the first professional dancer I've ever met.
- Well, except for Fanny.
- Fanny danced with Ballet Russe de Monte Carlo.
That's her in "Coppelia.
" I think being a ballerina is the most wonderful thing in the world.
You want to be a bunhead, huh? Next week they're having auditions for the joffrey summer program.
God, I'm so tired of hearing about the joffrey summer program.
- Blah blah blah.
- That's because you'll almost definitely get in.
I would do anything to get accepted, but I won't.
- Why not? - Look at me.
Well, auditions can be tricky.
Do you have a good audition outfit? - A what? - You have to have a kickass audition outfit, something that makes you feel really powerful.
My go-to outfit was a fire-engine red unitard with a thin gold belt with tassels on it classy.
If I wore a red unitard, I'd look like a crime scene.
Everyone's outfit differs.
It just has to make you feel strong.
That's the key to any audition attitude.
She's talking about a ballet audition, not a Vegas audition.
An audition is an audition.
You have to show up confident and be ready to do or be anything they want in an instant.
I once got an audition for a Broadway show.
Totally last minute.
I grabbed my bag, I ran 30 blocks, I walked in the door it was for "Dreamgirls.
" - I was supposed to be black.
- No way! - What happened? - I got a callback.
- Melanie: Shut up.
- Attitude, my friends.
What exactly happens on an audition? - I mean, what's it like? - Well, it's Okay.
Up.
Everybody up.
Come on.
Let's see.
First we need Aha! All right, ladies, welcome to the audition for the sequel to "cats," working title "dogs.
" Sorry about the 16-hour wait in the alley.
I didn't know it was gonna rain.
Friggin' weather channel.
16-hour wait? Yeah, every audition makes you wait at least 16 hours.
- That's terrible.
- Uh-huh.
Here's your number.
Your number is your name for the duration of the audition.
If we call "number six" and you don't answer 'cause you are waiting to hear "Kathy," you're out of luck.
- This is inhuman.
- Are you auditioning? - This is stupid.
- If you're not auditioning get your butt off my floor before someone jetes through your head.
All right, places on the floor, please.
Move move move.
All right, we need some music.
Music, all right, where's shabba-doo when you need him? Oh God.
Ugh ugh.
Ugh ugh ugh.
Oh okay, here we go.
All right, this will all right, you guys, I want you to follow me.
Let's see what this is all about.
Kablam.
- All right, you ready? - ( Pop music playing ) Oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she sweet? Oh, ain't she nice? You look her over once or twice yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she nice? All right, your turn.
Well, you have to slow it down.
Do I? I have a job.
All right, one time half speed.
Ready, five, six, five, six, seven, eight! Pony pony pony pony, up down, up down, double pirouette and jerk jerk jerk jerk, pas de bourree, pas de bourree, pas de bourree, up down and snake, and snake and snake it to the ground and snake and snake, and fan kick and yeah, and pony pony pony pony and freestyle freestyle freestyle.
Okay.
This time by yourselves.
( Music playing ) A-five, six, seven, eight! Oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street Oh my God.
You guys, it's terrible.
Where's the attitude? Come on, you guys, impress me! From the top.
A five, six, seven, eight.
oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she sweet? Oh, ain't she nice? You look her over once or twice yes, I ask you very confidentially - ain't she nice? - Okay, better.
Number six! - Yo, six! Who's number six? - Oh, I'm six! Six in the front, 12 back where six was.
But I did the whole thing that time.
I know.
I'm just switching things up.
12 in the back.
Move.
All right, you guys, this time? This is for the job! So gimme all you got.
You ready? A-five, six, seven, eight! Oh, ain't she sweet? You see her walking down that street yes, I ask you very confidentially ain't she sweet? Oh, ain't she nice? You look her over once or twice yes, I ask you very confidentially - ain't she nice? - Nice.
Nice.
Leave your number at the door.
We'll call you or not.
- ( Giggling ) - Hey, number six.
Joffrey's gonna get rocked next week.
Thank you.
- That was fun! - Boo, you were so good! I know, right? Next week's audition is ballet with toe shoes.
It's totally different.
Oh, I was just showing the girls what it was like to audition.
- For what? - "Dogs.
" It's the sequel to "cats.
" I made that up.
- Let's go.
- Go? Where? Sonya dear, two shots.
Leave the bottle.
I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste - What's the matter? - Nothing.
- This is just weird.
- What, sitting here? You're used to dancing on top of the bar, is that it? Okay look, I was not a stripper.
Or a hooker or a playmate.
I know.
I googled you.
- You did? - Are you surprised? Well, you have a boombox.
I am not one of those old women who can't use a computer.
- And that cd collection.
- What's wrong with my cd collection? So sad.
You have got to give those poor girls some better music - to listen to or there's going to be an uprising.
- Oh please.
I'm just saying, it's arab spring unless you discover iTunes pronto.
You should've been a radio personality or an auctioneer.
Instead you decided to dance.
To Hubbell.
I'll drink to that.
- You've done this before.
- Of course I have.
There's no movie theater in this town.
A.
B.
T.
! Full scholarship.
Accepted into the company at 17.
- Very impressive.
- Thank you.
And then after a few years with the company, you left and did some chorus work on Broadway, and then Vegas? - Yep.
- Did you get injured? - No.
- Have a breakdown? - No.
- Develop a dirty ventriloquist act? A friend of mine got a job at caesars and asked if I wanted to come along and I did.
I thought it would be temporary.
It was fun for a while dance, party all night, sleep all day.
And then time slips away, you know? I do.
I know very well.
I hear you danced with ballet russe.
I did.
I was a soloist.
That's amazing.
When did you retire? - When I got pregnant.
- Oh, how very "turning point.
" It was unplanned.
And I thought "well, I can go back after I have the baby," but the father did not decide to stay around and bills had to be paid so I started teaching to make ends meet.
And, well, time slips away, you know? You squandered a lot of potential.
- I know.
- Are you sorry? Every day of my life.
I had all the gifts, all the tools, I just had absolutely no focus.
- Just like Sasha.
- Yeah, what is it with that kid? She doesn't seem to like dancing at all.
Sasha doesn't know what she likes.
Her mother is well, she travels a lot - and her father is gay.
- Really? He won't come out.
Thinks it's a giant secret, but everyone knows.
It's too bad.
There are some lovely single gay men in this town and Sasha would be so much happier if he smiled once in a while.
Well, everyone in their own time, I guess.
That's crap.
Every moment you waste in life is a sin.
Nothing waits for you.
It all just moves on.
Then you turn around one day and your son is married.
Look how you brought that back around to me.
Nice moves.
Do you love him? - He knows that I don't.
- He thinks love will come.
It could.
He's a terrific guy.
And what about you? - Are you a terrific girl? - I'm super handy around the house.
That might be better than love, actually.
I didn't plan any of this, you know.
He just caught me at a really bad time.
My career is pointless.
My apartment is a nightmare.
I'm sick of partying.
I'm sick of Vegas.
I'm sick of me, actually.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going and he's just so kind.
I've never had someone so kind in my life.
I think I could fall in love with him.
I'd sure like myself a lot more if I did.
Well I love my son.
I want him to be happy.
So - ( Rock music playing ) - Let's see if you and I can dance together.
- To this? - I love Jim croce.
- Seriously, iTunes.
- Get over here right now.
42nd street got big Jim Walker he's a pool shootin' son of a gun - yeah, he's big and strong - God, you're terrible.
- Well, you made me be the guy.
- Just follow me.
And when the bad folks all get together at night Hey, I think I'm getting it.
- Maybe this will work.
- Maybe.
And they say you don't tug on superman's cape you don't spit into the wind you don't pull the mask of that ol' lone ranger and you don't mess around with Jim Hey, Scotty! Hey, guy I don't know! Outta South Alabama come a country boy he said, "I'm looking for a man named Jim I am a pool-shooting boy, my name is Willie McCoy but down home they call me slim yeah, I'm looking for the king of 42nd street he drivin' a drop-top Cadillac last week he took all my money and it may sound funny but I come to get my money back and everybody say "Jack, don't you know" Michelle: Truly, yo! There's a bottle on the bar! Take a shot and see if you like me better drunk! I do! Fanny, can you - Truly, what's the matter? - Uh, Hubbell - what about Hubbell? - I'm talking to Fanny.
Fanny: Truly, what about Hubbell? He went driving, looking for the two of you.
He didn't know where you were.
You know the um, the blind corner on myrtle where we tried to get the stop sign, you remember? In September? We tried to get the stop sign or the flashing light? Truly, what happened? It just came out of nowhere I'm so sorry.
( Sobbing )