Bupkis (2023) s01e01 Episode Script
Magic Moment
1
[DRAMATIC CHORD]
[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Fuck it.
Yes.
Why don't more people do this?
I'm here for the interview.
There must be some way
I can earn this job.
This is an office?
Oh, the desk.
Whoa. Shredded wheat.
Game time.
Fuck. [GROANS]
- [CLATTERING]
- [MOANING]
[GROANS] [WASHER BUZZES]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♪
Hold on, hold on.
All right, all right, all right.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
[MOANING]
- Wait.
- [MOANING]
Right. Hold on, honey.
Let me catch up. Hold on.
- All right, here we go.
- You're a dirty boss.
You're a dirty boss. Yeah, right there.
Oh, fuck.
Dude, beat it. It's a closed set.
- [MOAN?]
- You know what?
You're a part of this now. Whatever.
- You're staying.
- Yeah.
This is the weirdest room.
Yeah. [MOANING]
Fucking Beanie Babies? Dark.
- Mom is gonna be so mad at us.
- What?
I thought this was a job interview!
- Fuck it, sis. Let's do this.
- Fuck yeah.
♪
Pete.
- Peter.
- [MOANS]
[MOANS]
♪
Yahtzee! [MOANS]
Fuck.
Uh, dinner's almost ready.
I'm just gonna throw these back in.
I got a gold chain ♪
I'm on cocaine ♪
Like it was 1980 ♪
Peter, where are you going?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Uh yeah, I just
I I think I think
maybe we should just
take some time a part and maybe
not see each other for a little while.
Please, Peter, we're
about to have dinner.
Are you still wearing the shirt?
I'm gonna do Peloton after dinner.
I'm not gonna ruin another shirt.
- [GROANS]
- Come on. Sit down.
- We're having dinner.
- I gotta go.
We haven't seen you in months.
Where could you possibly have to go?
Change your shirt!
I can't believe your
mom saw your cum face.
- I have a cum face?
- Oh, 100% you do. Yes.
- What's it look like?
- It looks like
you're throwing up while trying
to solve a calculus problem.
It's like [RETCHING]
- [LAUGHS]
- Why are you being mean?
I'm fucked up. I came on my mother.
I'm gonna have to add another
therapist to the roster.
This is gonna be a
core memory. I'm fucked.
How do you think your
mom feels right now?
She seemed weirdly fine with it.
Alarmingly so. Strong woman.
[PHONE RINGING]
Was that her?
No, it's my fucking grandfather.
He won't stop calling.
You should call your grandpa back.
He's your grandpa. Come on.
I can't be around my family right now.
It's just, like, too
fucking weird, you know?
Yeah, guys tend to do
that after they finish.
Are you gonna stop doing schtick?
- This is serious.
- This is what you do.
You run away from people who love you.
I don't do that.
Every time something gets intense,
it's like you cannot
get away fast enough.
- That's not true.
- Okay, yeah.
You don't do that. You're right.
- You're totally right. Yeah.
- I don't. You're a liar.
So can we talk about,
like, how we broke up?
I'm gonna call you an Uber.
You made it very weird.
[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
[PHONE CHIMES]
♪
Peter, where the fuck are you?
You don't show up for
dinner. I'm calling you.
You make me chase you around
like you're a fucking broad.
Answer the phone.
I Googled myself yesterday.
It was bad.
It was, like, really bad.
Like, I couldn't find one good thing.
Nobody fucks with me.
Hypebeast called you the
voice of a generation.
I'm just a fucking
I'm a ridiculous joke.
Did you get another
Roger the Alien tattoo?
Yeah, Ricky Spanish.
You can't keep getting tattoos
put on, put back off, put on.
You're like that snake
eating its tail in a circle.
Ow!
- You liked it.
- I did like it.
♪
Hey.
Sit down. I got you a drink.
So what's been going on?
What'd you do, get
another tattoo, Peter?
No, no, I'm burning them off now.
Yeah.
All of them? That's too bad.
I always thought you were
gonna put some on your face.
I figured you get balls over here
and a cock coming down your nose
right into your mouth.
[LAUGHS]
Funny. No, no, yeah, I don't know.
I just think if I burn
them off, you know,
maybe people will
take me more seriously.
It ain't the tattoos, Peter.
Well, I gotta change it up, you know?
I gotta change the way people see me.
People think I'm, like,
a joke for some reason.
They see you as a joke
because you are a joke.
You act like a fucking joke.
You run around like a kid
and you're not a kid anymore.
You're a man.
Yeah, but I'm doing good career-wise.
I mean, you know?
Hypebeast called me a
voice of a generation.
I don't think that was a compliment.
You're unhappy because all you do
is try to make yourself happy.
You should try to make somebody
else happy once in a while.
Do something for somebody.
Put a smile on their face.
You'll see. There's big difference.
Try it. [COUGHS]
[SPITS]
- Fuck.
- Is that blood?
No, it's ketchup.
- But I am dying.
- What?
Yo, Pete, do you think
I can get a picture?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, man, you think
you can take this pic?
You know, kid, I was having
a private conversation
with my grandson, and you come over here
and you don't say, "Excuse me."
You say that, then
you don't have to worry
about them taking your phone
and putting it in the
bottom of a root beer float.
- Dude.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Take your phone and
shove it up your ass.
Get the fuck out of here.
This is the generation you
want to be the voice of?
- You're dying?
- What are you gonna do?
Should you be smoking?
What, you want me to
stop now because of that?
Not gonna do any good.
No, I mean, like, in here.
Like, in the diner. Can you do that?
So, uh
what are we gonna do about this, huh?
About what?
"About what?"
What, you mean what we were
just talking about in there?
- You ask me?
- Yeah, I know
I know you're showing
less than what you're feeling, but I
Yeah, well, you know, I
try not to think about it,
but where I come from,
if it's time for you to go, you just go.
The fuck can you do about it?
Well, what if I'm not
ready for you to go?
Eh, what if I'm not ready to go?
Is there anything you wanna do?
You know, the biggest
thing I want, Peter, is,
I never spend any time with you alone.
I don't know.
I just I wanna get
to know you better.
You get to know me
before I'm not around.
So let's do that.
Well, then we gotta get together.
We should do stuff. You
should see what I do.
Sounds like it's gonna
be a boys' night out.
Go out with a bang.
- A bang? Ooh.
- All right? Hmm?
Maybe a couple of fucking bangs.
"A couple of fucking
bangs." Sounds good to me.
[LAUGHS]
Investigators found a
gold-plated Zippo lighter
in Cory's bedroom, although
Hey, so we gotta decide if you're going
to the dermatologist or the fitting.
What's wrong? You seem down.
My grandpa told me he's dying today.
Yo, that's terrible, man. I'm sorry.
- I love your grandpa.
- Yeah.
He's always asking me,
like, "What are you?"
That's him.
Was he the Italian
one or the Jewish one?
- The Italian one.
- That sucks.
Not that I wanted the Jewish one to die.
I'm just saying, if I
had to make a choice
Yeah, you don't.
He said he, like, wanted
to spend time with me
and have, like, a boys' night,
but what does that even mean?
Like, I don't know what
to do. This is what we do.
This is what the boys do every night.
- Like, I don't do anything.
- A boys' night?
Sounds to me like Grandpa
wants to get laid, boy.
Why don't you get him a prostitute?
Oh! Well, I'll be.
Like, a tasteful prostitute.
Like, a talented one.
One who really makes you believe
that she's in love with you.
Well, he did say he wants me
to put a smile on someone's face.
That's fucking beautiful, my G.
You're like a perverted
genie or something.
You like a white Bagger Vance.
You be making wishes
come true. It's poetic.
Ugh.
This is gonna be my problem, isn't it?
[COMPUTER RINGING]
Do I have to do this?
Yes, that is your job.
It fits the job description, Evan.
I'm not really sure that that's true.
Come on, man. You got this.
You're Evan, dude. You're the best.
Do it, man. Be a man.
This is when boys turn
to men. Boys to men.
Okay.
Hey, hi. It's Donna, is it, right?
Hi, sweetheart. How's it going?
Uh, it's going great.
- She got big titties?
- Uh
So you want to set up a party?
Yup. Party.
But it would be for not for me.
- For Joe.
- Okay.
Am I talking to Joe right now?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm
just helping set this up
for my boss, but it's
not for him either.
I have a really weird job.
It just, like, keeps getting weirder.
Why don't we just cut to the chase.
What do you want?
Just, like, the standard fare.
But, like, gentle and respectful
and, like, kind.
- What the fuck is this?
- Gentle caressing.
- Tender kisses.
- Dude, do you know my grandpa?
Get the fuck my
Poppy doesn't want kind.
What are you talking about?
Hey, sorry about that. Hey, what's up?
Oh, now I see what's going on.
Listen, I have partied with all kinds
of high-profile clientele.
No, no, it's really not for me.
- It's for my grandpa Joe.
- I'll see you soon, okay?
- Bye, Grandpa.
- Bye.
- She seems nice.
- Yeah, she's really nice.
- Yeah, we're doing God's work.
- Yeah.
Nothing is enough ♪
- Till they handle love ♪
- Let's do it tonight ♪
I want you tonight ♪
I want you to stay ♪
I want you tonight ♪
Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em, hey ♪
Give me everything tonight ♪
- There he is.
- Hey, Peter.
Yeah, you look like
the white Steve Harvey.
- [LAUGHS]
- You ready to go?
Well, hold on. Roy's coming.
What do you mean Roy's coming?
You said it was a boys' night out.
No, I didn't say that shit.
You said it.
Besides, he's your uncle.
He's not really my uncle.
Don't say that. You'll
make him feel bad.
You know his wife's just died.
That was, like, eight years ago.
- Hello, Peter.
- Hey! Uncle Roy!
This is exciting.
I feel like I'm on "Entourage"
with the big movie star here.
[LAUGHS]
But I promise tonight, dale ♪
Excuse me ♪
And I might drink a little
more than I should tonight ♪
And I might take you home
with me if I could tonight ♪
Ah, Marla would've loved this, huh?
So good tonight ♪
Now this is how you make a martini.
A little vermouth and pour water in.
Shake it up again. A lot.
[ICE RATTLING]
And voilà. What do you think?
Or you can enjoy
yourself and get a buzz.
Hello. Excuse me.
I don't suppose you gentlemen
have a extra one of those
for a thirsty lady, do you?
- Are you the thirsty lady?
- Yes, I am.
They definitely got another one for you.
Oh, nice. I'm Donna.
- I'm Joe.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is my friend Roy.
- Hello.
- Pleasure.
- My grandson Peter.
- Peter, nice to meet you.
- Hello, Donna.
[CLEARS THROAT] Roy, why
don't you give Donna your seat?
I like this seat.
Why don't you get the fuck
over here so I can talk to you?
All right. [GROANS]
- Thank you.
- This is nice.
- Okay.
- Here you go, Donna.
Look at thank you.
I kind of wanted this to be a, you know,
special night for me and
Pops 'cause, you know,
he's not feeling so well and he's
- You're a prostitute.
- What?
Do you know that she is a hooker?
No offense, darling. You're beautiful.
- No offense taken.
- That's not nice.
That's a very mean thing to say.
Is this your big takeaway
from our conversation?
I don't know what to do.
You take me to lunch
and tell me you're dying?
I scrambled.
I thought maybe your
last wish was some pussy.
- I don't know.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, excuse me.
I'll let you boys hash this out.
- Be back in a minute.
- Um
What the fuck is it with you?
Roy, you believe this?
My grandson thinks I
need a hooker to get laid.
- I didn't know.
- What, are you kidding?
Your grandpa was the Wilt Chamberlain
of Staten Island.
First of all, ew.
Hey, if I tattooed
every girl that I
ever banged on my body,
I'd be fucking "Memento" over here.
Who's Memento?
What did you think was gonna happen?
What if I fell in love with her?
Yeah, Pete, you're playing with fire.
- And I'm fire.
- You certainly are.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, you are.
Well, we're here. We might
as well have some fun.
I'd like to make a toast
to the most handsome
gentlemen in this joint.
Where are they? [LAUGHTER]
What do you mean, a clown? A real clown?
Honk, honk. Yeah. [LAUGHTER]
Hey, man, can I get a picture with you?
Hey, bartender, give me a
root beer float over here.
[LAUGHTER] Personal joke.
I'm glad you guys are having fun
'cause it did cost 5 grand
for the Sinatra suite, so
- $5,000 for a suite?
- Yeah.
- For a hooker?
- Sinatra better be in there.
[LAUGHS]
- Here it is.
- Two doors.
Oh. Oh, nice.
Wow, the Sinatra suite, huh?
If these walls could
talk, they'd press charges.
- Yup.
- [LAUGHS]
Just this is it too?
- Yup. Go nuts.
- Don't tell me.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me?
Gummy bears in a crystal
dish? This is so swanky.
And you got strawberries and champagne.
Peter, you watch too many movies.
- Is this fucking classy, huh?
- Where'd you get that?
I feel like Daddy Warbucks.
Well, I was an orphan.
- [CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]
- All right.
- ALL: This magic moment ♪
- [PLAYING PIANO]
[LAUGHTER]
While your lips are close to mine ♪
Will last forever ♪
And ever till the end ♪
Of time ♪
Oh ♪
Oh, look at that.
- Oh ♪
- [LAUGHS]
BOTH: Oh ♪
- Oh! ♪
- [LAUGHS]
This is fun.
I'm really glad that we did this.
You put a smile on my face tonight.
You made Roy happy. We had a great time.
Speaking of Roy, where
is he? Where's Donna?
- They're in the bedroom.
- Holy shit.
You think they're, like, having sex?
No, they're watching
the fucking Giants, you meathead.
Come on. What do you think?
Not to bring the mood down
or anything, but, you know,
it just gets me to thinking,
I don't know what I'm gonna do
when you're gone. I'm gonna have nobody.
You're gonna start with
that mushy shit again?
No, it's just, you know,
I don't know what I'm
gonna do without you.
- You know?
- Peter.
Who gives a fuck about tomorrow?
It's gonna come no matter
who's here and who's not here,
so don't worry about it.
At least your plan worked for somebody.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Let's go.
Ow! Oh, oh! Ow, ow, ow!
- Okay.
- I don't know. What is it?
Donna, Roy, are you guys okay?
- No, he is not okay.
- I can't move.
- It's my hip dysplasia.
- Oh, my dog has that.
- Porky?
- Should I call an ambulance?
No, no. No, I'll be okay in a few hours.
I'm sorry I can't finish
the job, sweetheart.
- Peter.
- Yeah.
Go over there. See if you can help him.
Oh, that's okay, darling.
It's very common, actually.
Fuck is wrong with you? Help him up.
- All right, come on.
- All right, you ready?
Careful. He's inside of me.
- Hey, kiddo.
- Yeah?
Why don't you just
rock me back and forth
for a couple minutes,
and then I think I'll be all set.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Come on. Give me a little help here.
Absolutely not! Dude, no fucking way.
Peter, come here. Let
me talk to you a sec.
- Where you going?
- You're leaving?
- Wait.
- Just a second, lovebirds.
No. No. come back.
There's no way.
This is your chance
to really do something for somebody.
What do you want me to do?
Provide the thrust.
Pro provide the thrust?
Yeah, give him a little
help. That's all he needs.
Once he gets going, he'll be all right.
It'd be easy for you.
Push him, you know?
- A little boom.
- I don't want to do this.
I know you don't want to do it.
Who the fuck would want to do it?
But just do it. We're here.
You want to ruin boys' night now?
- No, boys' night is over.
- No, it's not over.
I took you guys out to dinner.
We had a nice time. Roy got half laid.
It's over. It's time to go home.
This is your chance
to really do something for somebody.
Make somebody else fucking happy
instead of yourself all the time.
Yeah, I meant, like, I don't know,
watching the game together,
not helping your friend
fuck a prostitute.
You could do it, Peter. Do it.
Roy, you sure this is what you want?
- You'd be doing me a mitzvah.
- There's your answer.
I know you don't want to do
it, but just fucking do it.
All right, come on. Let's go.
Well, I'm not gonna do it. You do it.
- You're not gonna help?
- He's my fucking friend.
- So what?
- It's disgusting.
You could do this shit.
You've done worse things than this.
Don't bullshit me.
- Go fucking do it.
- [GROANS]
- Be a man.
- I am. Fuck you.
Donna, are you cool with this?
100%. Hoist him up.
Fantastic.
[SIGHS] Let's get it.
- All right, you ready?
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Gently. Gently.
Okay, okay.
- Okay, good.
- There you go.
- Good. Get a groove going.
- There you go.
All right, all right, all right.
Maybe don't talk.
Oh, I feel like a Make-A-Wish kid.
Oh, Marla would've loved this.
Oh, she's right here with us, baby.
- She's right here.
- God, I hope not.
Okay, okay. Come on.
- Give me some juice, Petey.
- You feel so good.
I am, dude. You're fucking huge.
- Yeah, he is.
- Well, that's my knee.
I'll tell you, will
you excuse me a second?
I'll be right back.
- Oh, wait. Ooh, gentle.
- [GROANS]
- What's up?
- Is this how you fuck?
What?
Why don't you put your back into it?
We're all adults here.
Now put me back in.
- Oh, oh. Okay, right there.
- Okay.
- Wait, no, that's okay.
- Gentle. Oh.
- Okay. Okay.
- You in?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's do this, baby.
- Go! [GROANS]
- Here we go.
- All right.
- And we're rocking.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Cooking with gas.
You know, you're a very sweet kid.
You're very misunderstood.
Right to heaven. I'm
going right to heaven.
Oh, God.
There's a lot of love
in this room right now.
I can't believe I'm having
sex with Pete Davidson.
- Shut the fuck up.
- All right.
This magic moment ♪
So different and so new ♪
Was like any other ♪
Until I kissed you ♪
And then it happened ♪
It took me by surprise ♪
- Hey, you want some lasagna?
- Yeah.
Just hurry up. I'm starving.
- How long I put it in?
- I don't know.
I have no idea how to work that thing.
- We could eat it cold.
- Cold it is.
We eat it cold every other day.
My goodness, you guys were out late.
- Hey.
- How was the evening?
- Fun.
- Did you heat this up?
- No.
- Oh.
Let me heat this thing up.
It's gonna taste even
better than it did before.
What'd you guys do?
Nothing. We just
we had a boys' night.
A boys' night out. You know?
- Boys' night out.
- What guys do.
Yeah, yeah. It was just guy stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, guy stuff.
I don't know anything about that.
Don't do that.
- What was that?
- What was what?
- That.
- Nothing.
What the fuck is going on here?
- Nothing!
- She did something.
Well, no, wait. What did you guys do?
Nothing. When I said nothing
I mean, it's guy stuff.
We had a good time.
We danced, laughed, Roy had fun.
- Roy had a fucking ball.
- Yeah.
Wow, something all
right, something's up.
Listen, guys, why can't
we just keep secrets?
Why can't we be a normal
family that's healthy?
- I want to know what happened.
- Nothing happened.
- What did you guys do tonight?
- We didn't do anything.
What's the big secret?
You want to know what happened?
I came on her the other morning
and I helped Roy fuck
a prostitute, okay?
Buck shots, what the blood clot? ♪
Watch the pickney ♪
If he flees, stop
him with a leg shot ♪
Pick a knee ♪
Chest shot to make your chest move ♪
Bobby Fischer me ♪
Get assassinated, tryna run? ♪
Bobby Kennedy ♪
Keep that same energy ♪
Poison in my pen,
what's the penalty? ♪
My life behind these
bars, ain't no clemency ♪
Don't even know the charge ♪
Just like an oxymoron,
You don't even know the odds ♪
How I'm gritty with the bars ♪
And still pretty like DeBarge ♪
Still holding down my city ♪
Like I'm Diddy on bed ♪
Tig ol' bitties in her bra ♪
It's Wu Block ♪
Big mama busting out her tube top ♪
Homey is a clown,
he get the tube sock ♪
Or he can get around, shout to Tupac ♪
Sucker free, I'm
everything that you not ♪
And I'm taking
everything that you got ♪
Praying on my downfall ♪
Moving like an outlaw ♪
They switch sides like a southpaw ♪
I can't be around y'all ♪
Praying on my downfall ♪
Moving like an outlaw ♪
They switch sides like a southpaw ♪
I can't be around y'all ♪
I can't be around y'all niggas ♪
[METHOD MAN'S "SWITCH SIDES"]
♪
[DRAMATIC CHORD]
[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
Fuck it.
Yes.
Why don't more people do this?
I'm here for the interview.
There must be some way
I can earn this job.
This is an office?
Oh, the desk.
Whoa. Shredded wheat.
Game time.
Fuck. [GROANS]
- [CLATTERING]
- [MOANING]
[GROANS] [WASHER BUZZES]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♪
Hold on, hold on.
All right, all right, all right.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
[MOANING]
- Wait.
- [MOANING]
Right. Hold on, honey.
Let me catch up. Hold on.
- All right, here we go.
- You're a dirty boss.
You're a dirty boss. Yeah, right there.
Oh, fuck.
Dude, beat it. It's a closed set.
- [MOAN?]
- You know what?
You're a part of this now. Whatever.
- You're staying.
- Yeah.
This is the weirdest room.
Yeah. [MOANING]
Fucking Beanie Babies? Dark.
- Mom is gonna be so mad at us.
- What?
I thought this was a job interview!
- Fuck it, sis. Let's do this.
- Fuck yeah.
♪
Pete.
- Peter.
- [MOANS]
[MOANS]
♪
Yahtzee! [MOANS]
Fuck.
Uh, dinner's almost ready.
I'm just gonna throw these back in.
I got a gold chain ♪
I'm on cocaine ♪
Like it was 1980 ♪
Peter, where are you going?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Uh yeah, I just
I I think I think
maybe we should just
take some time a part and maybe
not see each other for a little while.
Please, Peter, we're
about to have dinner.
Are you still wearing the shirt?
I'm gonna do Peloton after dinner.
I'm not gonna ruin another shirt.
- [GROANS]
- Come on. Sit down.
- We're having dinner.
- I gotta go.
We haven't seen you in months.
Where could you possibly have to go?
Change your shirt!
I can't believe your
mom saw your cum face.
- I have a cum face?
- Oh, 100% you do. Yes.
- What's it look like?
- It looks like
you're throwing up while trying
to solve a calculus problem.
It's like [RETCHING]
- [LAUGHS]
- Why are you being mean?
I'm fucked up. I came on my mother.
I'm gonna have to add another
therapist to the roster.
This is gonna be a
core memory. I'm fucked.
How do you think your
mom feels right now?
She seemed weirdly fine with it.
Alarmingly so. Strong woman.
[PHONE RINGING]
Was that her?
No, it's my fucking grandfather.
He won't stop calling.
You should call your grandpa back.
He's your grandpa. Come on.
I can't be around my family right now.
It's just, like, too
fucking weird, you know?
Yeah, guys tend to do
that after they finish.
Are you gonna stop doing schtick?
- This is serious.
- This is what you do.
You run away from people who love you.
I don't do that.
Every time something gets intense,
it's like you cannot
get away fast enough.
- That's not true.
- Okay, yeah.
You don't do that. You're right.
- You're totally right. Yeah.
- I don't. You're a liar.
So can we talk about,
like, how we broke up?
I'm gonna call you an Uber.
You made it very weird.
[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
♪
[PHONE CHIMES]
♪
Peter, where the fuck are you?
You don't show up for
dinner. I'm calling you.
You make me chase you around
like you're a fucking broad.
Answer the phone.
I Googled myself yesterday.
It was bad.
It was, like, really bad.
Like, I couldn't find one good thing.
Nobody fucks with me.
Hypebeast called you the
voice of a generation.
I'm just a fucking
I'm a ridiculous joke.
Did you get another
Roger the Alien tattoo?
Yeah, Ricky Spanish.
You can't keep getting tattoos
put on, put back off, put on.
You're like that snake
eating its tail in a circle.
Ow!
- You liked it.
- I did like it.
♪
Hey.
Sit down. I got you a drink.
So what's been going on?
What'd you do, get
another tattoo, Peter?
No, no, I'm burning them off now.
Yeah.
All of them? That's too bad.
I always thought you were
gonna put some on your face.
I figured you get balls over here
and a cock coming down your nose
right into your mouth.
[LAUGHS]
Funny. No, no, yeah, I don't know.
I just think if I burn
them off, you know,
maybe people will
take me more seriously.
It ain't the tattoos, Peter.
Well, I gotta change it up, you know?
I gotta change the way people see me.
People think I'm, like,
a joke for some reason.
They see you as a joke
because you are a joke.
You act like a fucking joke.
You run around like a kid
and you're not a kid anymore.
You're a man.
Yeah, but I'm doing good career-wise.
I mean, you know?
Hypebeast called me a
voice of a generation.
I don't think that was a compliment.
You're unhappy because all you do
is try to make yourself happy.
You should try to make somebody
else happy once in a while.
Do something for somebody.
Put a smile on their face.
You'll see. There's big difference.
Try it. [COUGHS]
[SPITS]
- Fuck.
- Is that blood?
No, it's ketchup.
- But I am dying.
- What?
Yo, Pete, do you think
I can get a picture?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, man, you think
you can take this pic?
You know, kid, I was having
a private conversation
with my grandson, and you come over here
and you don't say, "Excuse me."
You say that, then
you don't have to worry
about them taking your phone
and putting it in the
bottom of a root beer float.
- Dude.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Take your phone and
shove it up your ass.
Get the fuck out of here.
This is the generation you
want to be the voice of?
- You're dying?
- What are you gonna do?
Should you be smoking?
What, you want me to
stop now because of that?
Not gonna do any good.
No, I mean, like, in here.
Like, in the diner. Can you do that?
So, uh
what are we gonna do about this, huh?
About what?
"About what?"
What, you mean what we were
just talking about in there?
- You ask me?
- Yeah, I know
I know you're showing
less than what you're feeling, but I
Yeah, well, you know, I
try not to think about it,
but where I come from,
if it's time for you to go, you just go.
The fuck can you do about it?
Well, what if I'm not
ready for you to go?
Eh, what if I'm not ready to go?
Is there anything you wanna do?
You know, the biggest
thing I want, Peter, is,
I never spend any time with you alone.
I don't know.
I just I wanna get
to know you better.
You get to know me
before I'm not around.
So let's do that.
Well, then we gotta get together.
We should do stuff. You
should see what I do.
Sounds like it's gonna
be a boys' night out.
Go out with a bang.
- A bang? Ooh.
- All right? Hmm?
Maybe a couple of fucking bangs.
"A couple of fucking
bangs." Sounds good to me.
[LAUGHS]
Investigators found a
gold-plated Zippo lighter
in Cory's bedroom, although
Hey, so we gotta decide if you're going
to the dermatologist or the fitting.
What's wrong? You seem down.
My grandpa told me he's dying today.
Yo, that's terrible, man. I'm sorry.
- I love your grandpa.
- Yeah.
He's always asking me,
like, "What are you?"
That's him.
Was he the Italian
one or the Jewish one?
- The Italian one.
- That sucks.
Not that I wanted the Jewish one to die.
I'm just saying, if I
had to make a choice
Yeah, you don't.
He said he, like, wanted
to spend time with me
and have, like, a boys' night,
but what does that even mean?
Like, I don't know what
to do. This is what we do.
This is what the boys do every night.
- Like, I don't do anything.
- A boys' night?
Sounds to me like Grandpa
wants to get laid, boy.
Why don't you get him a prostitute?
Oh! Well, I'll be.
Like, a tasteful prostitute.
Like, a talented one.
One who really makes you believe
that she's in love with you.
Well, he did say he wants me
to put a smile on someone's face.
That's fucking beautiful, my G.
You're like a perverted
genie or something.
You like a white Bagger Vance.
You be making wishes
come true. It's poetic.
Ugh.
This is gonna be my problem, isn't it?
[COMPUTER RINGING]
Do I have to do this?
Yes, that is your job.
It fits the job description, Evan.
I'm not really sure that that's true.
Come on, man. You got this.
You're Evan, dude. You're the best.
Do it, man. Be a man.
This is when boys turn
to men. Boys to men.
Okay.
Hey, hi. It's Donna, is it, right?
Hi, sweetheart. How's it going?
Uh, it's going great.
- She got big titties?
- Uh
So you want to set up a party?
Yup. Party.
But it would be for not for me.
- For Joe.
- Okay.
Am I talking to Joe right now?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm
just helping set this up
for my boss, but it's
not for him either.
I have a really weird job.
It just, like, keeps getting weirder.
Why don't we just cut to the chase.
What do you want?
Just, like, the standard fare.
But, like, gentle and respectful
and, like, kind.
- What the fuck is this?
- Gentle caressing.
- Tender kisses.
- Dude, do you know my grandpa?
Get the fuck my
Poppy doesn't want kind.
What are you talking about?
Hey, sorry about that. Hey, what's up?
Oh, now I see what's going on.
Listen, I have partied with all kinds
of high-profile clientele.
No, no, it's really not for me.
- It's for my grandpa Joe.
- I'll see you soon, okay?
- Bye, Grandpa.
- Bye.
- She seems nice.
- Yeah, she's really nice.
- Yeah, we're doing God's work.
- Yeah.
Nothing is enough ♪
- Till they handle love ♪
- Let's do it tonight ♪
I want you tonight ♪
I want you to stay ♪
I want you tonight ♪
Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em, hey ♪
Give me everything tonight ♪
- There he is.
- Hey, Peter.
Yeah, you look like
the white Steve Harvey.
- [LAUGHS]
- You ready to go?
Well, hold on. Roy's coming.
What do you mean Roy's coming?
You said it was a boys' night out.
No, I didn't say that shit.
You said it.
Besides, he's your uncle.
He's not really my uncle.
Don't say that. You'll
make him feel bad.
You know his wife's just died.
That was, like, eight years ago.
- Hello, Peter.
- Hey! Uncle Roy!
This is exciting.
I feel like I'm on "Entourage"
with the big movie star here.
[LAUGHS]
But I promise tonight, dale ♪
Excuse me ♪
And I might drink a little
more than I should tonight ♪
And I might take you home
with me if I could tonight ♪
Ah, Marla would've loved this, huh?
So good tonight ♪
Now this is how you make a martini.
A little vermouth and pour water in.
Shake it up again. A lot.
[ICE RATTLING]
And voilà. What do you think?
Or you can enjoy
yourself and get a buzz.
Hello. Excuse me.
I don't suppose you gentlemen
have a extra one of those
for a thirsty lady, do you?
- Are you the thirsty lady?
- Yes, I am.
They definitely got another one for you.
Oh, nice. I'm Donna.
- I'm Joe.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is my friend Roy.
- Hello.
- Pleasure.
- My grandson Peter.
- Peter, nice to meet you.
- Hello, Donna.
[CLEARS THROAT] Roy, why
don't you give Donna your seat?
I like this seat.
Why don't you get the fuck
over here so I can talk to you?
All right. [GROANS]
- Thank you.
- This is nice.
- Okay.
- Here you go, Donna.
Look at thank you.
I kind of wanted this to be a, you know,
special night for me and
Pops 'cause, you know,
he's not feeling so well and he's
- You're a prostitute.
- What?
Do you know that she is a hooker?
No offense, darling. You're beautiful.
- No offense taken.
- That's not nice.
That's a very mean thing to say.
Is this your big takeaway
from our conversation?
I don't know what to do.
You take me to lunch
and tell me you're dying?
I scrambled.
I thought maybe your
last wish was some pussy.
- I don't know.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, excuse me.
I'll let you boys hash this out.
- Be back in a minute.
- Um
What the fuck is it with you?
Roy, you believe this?
My grandson thinks I
need a hooker to get laid.
- I didn't know.
- What, are you kidding?
Your grandpa was the Wilt Chamberlain
of Staten Island.
First of all, ew.
Hey, if I tattooed
every girl that I
ever banged on my body,
I'd be fucking "Memento" over here.
Who's Memento?
What did you think was gonna happen?
What if I fell in love with her?
Yeah, Pete, you're playing with fire.
- And I'm fire.
- You certainly are.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, you are.
Well, we're here. We might
as well have some fun.
I'd like to make a toast
to the most handsome
gentlemen in this joint.
Where are they? [LAUGHTER]
What do you mean, a clown? A real clown?
Honk, honk. Yeah. [LAUGHTER]
Hey, man, can I get a picture with you?
Hey, bartender, give me a
root beer float over here.
[LAUGHTER] Personal joke.
I'm glad you guys are having fun
'cause it did cost 5 grand
for the Sinatra suite, so
- $5,000 for a suite?
- Yeah.
- For a hooker?
- Sinatra better be in there.
[LAUGHS]
- Here it is.
- Two doors.
Oh. Oh, nice.
Wow, the Sinatra suite, huh?
If these walls could
talk, they'd press charges.
- Yup.
- [LAUGHS]
Just this is it too?
- Yup. Go nuts.
- Don't tell me.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me?
Gummy bears in a crystal
dish? This is so swanky.
And you got strawberries and champagne.
Peter, you watch too many movies.
- Is this fucking classy, huh?
- Where'd you get that?
I feel like Daddy Warbucks.
Well, I was an orphan.
- [CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]
- All right.
- ALL: This magic moment ♪
- [PLAYING PIANO]
[LAUGHTER]
While your lips are close to mine ♪
Will last forever ♪
And ever till the end ♪
Of time ♪
Oh ♪
Oh, look at that.
- Oh ♪
- [LAUGHS]
BOTH: Oh ♪
- Oh! ♪
- [LAUGHS]
This is fun.
I'm really glad that we did this.
You put a smile on my face tonight.
You made Roy happy. We had a great time.
Speaking of Roy, where
is he? Where's Donna?
- They're in the bedroom.
- Holy shit.
You think they're, like, having sex?
No, they're watching
the fucking Giants, you meathead.
Come on. What do you think?
Not to bring the mood down
or anything, but, you know,
it just gets me to thinking,
I don't know what I'm gonna do
when you're gone. I'm gonna have nobody.
You're gonna start with
that mushy shit again?
No, it's just, you know,
I don't know what I'm
gonna do without you.
- You know?
- Peter.
Who gives a fuck about tomorrow?
It's gonna come no matter
who's here and who's not here,
so don't worry about it.
At least your plan worked for somebody.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Let's go.
Ow! Oh, oh! Ow, ow, ow!
- Okay.
- I don't know. What is it?
Donna, Roy, are you guys okay?
- No, he is not okay.
- I can't move.
- It's my hip dysplasia.
- Oh, my dog has that.
- Porky?
- Should I call an ambulance?
No, no. No, I'll be okay in a few hours.
I'm sorry I can't finish
the job, sweetheart.
- Peter.
- Yeah.
Go over there. See if you can help him.
Oh, that's okay, darling.
It's very common, actually.
Fuck is wrong with you? Help him up.
- All right, come on.
- All right, you ready?
Careful. He's inside of me.
- Hey, kiddo.
- Yeah?
Why don't you just
rock me back and forth
for a couple minutes,
and then I think I'll be all set.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Come on. Give me a little help here.
Absolutely not! Dude, no fucking way.
Peter, come here. Let
me talk to you a sec.
- Where you going?
- You're leaving?
- Wait.
- Just a second, lovebirds.
No. No. come back.
There's no way.
This is your chance
to really do something for somebody.
What do you want me to do?
Provide the thrust.
Pro provide the thrust?
Yeah, give him a little
help. That's all he needs.
Once he gets going, he'll be all right.
It'd be easy for you.
Push him, you know?
- A little boom.
- I don't want to do this.
I know you don't want to do it.
Who the fuck would want to do it?
But just do it. We're here.
You want to ruin boys' night now?
- No, boys' night is over.
- No, it's not over.
I took you guys out to dinner.
We had a nice time. Roy got half laid.
It's over. It's time to go home.
This is your chance
to really do something for somebody.
Make somebody else fucking happy
instead of yourself all the time.
Yeah, I meant, like, I don't know,
watching the game together,
not helping your friend
fuck a prostitute.
You could do it, Peter. Do it.
Roy, you sure this is what you want?
- You'd be doing me a mitzvah.
- There's your answer.
I know you don't want to do
it, but just fucking do it.
All right, come on. Let's go.
Well, I'm not gonna do it. You do it.
- You're not gonna help?
- He's my fucking friend.
- So what?
- It's disgusting.
You could do this shit.
You've done worse things than this.
Don't bullshit me.
- Go fucking do it.
- [GROANS]
- Be a man.
- I am. Fuck you.
Donna, are you cool with this?
100%. Hoist him up.
Fantastic.
[SIGHS] Let's get it.
- All right, you ready?
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Gently. Gently.
Okay, okay.
- Okay, good.
- There you go.
- Good. Get a groove going.
- There you go.
All right, all right, all right.
Maybe don't talk.
Oh, I feel like a Make-A-Wish kid.
Oh, Marla would've loved this.
Oh, she's right here with us, baby.
- She's right here.
- God, I hope not.
Okay, okay. Come on.
- Give me some juice, Petey.
- You feel so good.
I am, dude. You're fucking huge.
- Yeah, he is.
- Well, that's my knee.
I'll tell you, will
you excuse me a second?
I'll be right back.
- Oh, wait. Ooh, gentle.
- [GROANS]
- What's up?
- Is this how you fuck?
What?
Why don't you put your back into it?
We're all adults here.
Now put me back in.
- Oh, oh. Okay, right there.
- Okay.
- Wait, no, that's okay.
- Gentle. Oh.
- Okay. Okay.
- You in?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's do this, baby.
- Go! [GROANS]
- Here we go.
- All right.
- And we're rocking.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Cooking with gas.
You know, you're a very sweet kid.
You're very misunderstood.
Right to heaven. I'm
going right to heaven.
Oh, God.
There's a lot of love
in this room right now.
I can't believe I'm having
sex with Pete Davidson.
- Shut the fuck up.
- All right.
This magic moment ♪
So different and so new ♪
Was like any other ♪
Until I kissed you ♪
And then it happened ♪
It took me by surprise ♪
- Hey, you want some lasagna?
- Yeah.
Just hurry up. I'm starving.
- How long I put it in?
- I don't know.
I have no idea how to work that thing.
- We could eat it cold.
- Cold it is.
We eat it cold every other day.
My goodness, you guys were out late.
- Hey.
- How was the evening?
- Fun.
- Did you heat this up?
- No.
- Oh.
Let me heat this thing up.
It's gonna taste even
better than it did before.
What'd you guys do?
Nothing. We just
we had a boys' night.
A boys' night out. You know?
- Boys' night out.
- What guys do.
Yeah, yeah. It was just guy stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, guy stuff.
I don't know anything about that.
Don't do that.
- What was that?
- What was what?
- That.
- Nothing.
What the fuck is going on here?
- Nothing!
- She did something.
Well, no, wait. What did you guys do?
Nothing. When I said nothing
I mean, it's guy stuff.
We had a good time.
We danced, laughed, Roy had fun.
- Roy had a fucking ball.
- Yeah.
Wow, something all
right, something's up.
Listen, guys, why can't
we just keep secrets?
Why can't we be a normal
family that's healthy?
- I want to know what happened.
- Nothing happened.
- What did you guys do tonight?
- We didn't do anything.
What's the big secret?
You want to know what happened?
I came on her the other morning
and I helped Roy fuck
a prostitute, okay?
Buck shots, what the blood clot? ♪
Watch the pickney ♪
If he flees, stop
him with a leg shot ♪
Pick a knee ♪
Chest shot to make your chest move ♪
Bobby Fischer me ♪
Get assassinated, tryna run? ♪
Bobby Kennedy ♪
Keep that same energy ♪
Poison in my pen,
what's the penalty? ♪
My life behind these
bars, ain't no clemency ♪
Don't even know the charge ♪
Just like an oxymoron,
You don't even know the odds ♪
How I'm gritty with the bars ♪
And still pretty like DeBarge ♪
Still holding down my city ♪
Like I'm Diddy on bed ♪
Tig ol' bitties in her bra ♪
It's Wu Block ♪
Big mama busting out her tube top ♪
Homey is a clown,
he get the tube sock ♪
Or he can get around, shout to Tupac ♪
Sucker free, I'm
everything that you not ♪
And I'm taking
everything that you got ♪
Praying on my downfall ♪
Moving like an outlaw ♪
They switch sides like a southpaw ♪
I can't be around y'all ♪
Praying on my downfall ♪
Moving like an outlaw ♪
They switch sides like a southpaw ♪
I can't be around y'all ♪
I can't be around y'all niggas ♪
[METHOD MAN'S "SWITCH SIDES"]
♪