Californication s01e01 Episode Script

Okay, big guy, you and me.
We've never done this before but desperate times call for desperate mesures.
- My name is Hank.
- Hello, Hank.
I'm sorry, sister, I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.
Can I help you? No, I wouldn't want to bother a real life person about it.
It wouldn't be a bother, Hank.
In fact, that's why I'm here.
Here is the thing.
I'm having what you might call a crisis of faith.
I mean, to put it simply, I can't write.
Which really kind of sucks because I'm supposed to be a writer.
And a professional one at that.
And I can't seem to be able to produce so much as a goddamn predicate.
Sorry, you know, my apologies, I fucked up again I apologize.
Well, normally, I would suggest a bunch of Our fathers or a couple Hail Maries but I don't think that's gonna get it done.
What about a blow job? A blow job, would that make you feel any better? A blow job from you? Something tells me it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.
No, but But you're a nun.
A totally fucking hot nun.
Sweet baby Jesus Hank is going to hell.
Bad dream? Yeah No It's hard to say, really.
You drifted off and I thought to myself So, what's the nicest possible I can wake up mister Hank here.
Kudos to you because you you definitely stumbled upon one of the nicer ways.
You're nice to me, I'm nice to you.
Yes, it's very quid pro quo - What does that mean? - Never mind.
My husband, he's never given me an orgasm.
Never? - Ever.
- Does he , you know, go downtown? - Toward the south land? - Never.
- Going to the hood? - Well, it's not true, yes, he has.
But he made me take a shower first.
Then, he's spent 45 minutes trying to find my clit.
How did he do? I'm pretty sure he thinks it's in the bottom.
Near the vaginas? That's weird.
I can take a hint.
I just so happen to have my GPS with me.
I've stored it up my ass, yes.
Hello? Yours is on the bottom.
I think I have found something.
What the fuck is that? - It would be my husband.
- Okay.
Maybe I should hide under your clit, he'd never find me there.
- Heather, whose piece of shit is that? - I think I should go.
All I need to do is to find my pants.
No pants anywhere? - What the fuck? - It's not what you think.
- Whose pants are these? - Those are yours! Where is he? Motherfucker! Yeah, you! You gotta be kidding me! What are you, like 60 years or something, bro'! Yo, KFed, the little man in the boat? He's up here, that's where he is! - Right here! - Just let him go! - Are you kidding me? - You guys work it out.
You're dead! Motherfucker! CALIFORNICATION 1x01 Ladies, daddy's trying out a new look.
What do you think? - Dad? - Yes.
Are you mentally insane? Yes, but I'm extremly high functioning.
Much like a special needs person that works at McDonald's.
Exactly.
I'm late, I'm sorry and I'm not wearing any pants but I would like to invite you two ladies to join me, to take you pants off, and come with me to the pants off restaurant.
It sounds tempting but I got plans, okay? - It must be date night.
- Yeah.
Come on, mom.
Peanut, I can't but, you know, enjoy your daddy time.
- Where is my kiss? - You're really a classy guy, Hank.
That's funny coming from you at all.
So, who won that round? It's not wether you win or you lose, it's how you play the game.
Looks like a fun game.
You think I made her laugh? Sure.
A little.
On the inside.
- Yellow submarine? - Pirates.
Again? - Johnny Depp is hot! - I concur but wouldn't you rather expand your cinematic horizons and pick a film that's based on a piece of litterature and not a theme park ride? Pirates it is.
Why don't you try my room? Depp I don't think I have any sushi takeout, I got the house of Chow.
- which is chinese.
- Father? - Daughter? - Can I ask you something? Yeah, anything, my love.
Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? You wait right there, okay? There's no hair on her vagina.
Do you think she's okay? I'll check.
What are you doing? - Hi, I thought I'd surprise you.
- You surprised my daughter.
I'm so sorry, I mean, really I should have call but I'm inside.
You know what? I'm sorry.
- Really? - You know what, yes.
Maybe we should think about cooling things off a little bit.
- Excuse me? - Or not.
Either way, I'm easy.
God, you're amazing, Hank.
I mean you spent all this time sweet talking me into the sack but now you've exacted your revenge, you're done with me, right? Revenge? What are you talking about revenge? Please, do not make it like it wasn't in the least that satisfying to fuck the wife of the man who turned your precious little book into your big shitty movie.
Now that you put it that way What other way is there to put it, Hank? Now that you put it that way, there is no other way to put it.
- I think that's a very - Shut up! God, you shut up! And you know what? By the way, the truth is the movie is much better than the book.
Okay, so not only are you a cadaverous lay you also have shitty taste in movies.
Hi.
Thank you.
Cheers! So is this the new girlfriend? I wish we could take him with us.
Why don't you get your stuff together, honey, okay? - Don't yell at him.
- I'm not gonna yell at him much.
What? I know that look.
That's the look that shrivels my testies.
Twelve years old finds naked slut in dad's bedroom.
Are you still feeling cute? - She mentioned that, huh? - Yes, she mentioned that.
So - What, you're jealous? - What? You're so lucky that I don't take away the little custody you do have.
Bill tried to convince me You get a legal advice from your boyfriend Bill, now? That's sweet! Don't start, okay? You started when you cheated on me.
Shut up! I did not cheated on you.
In what universe is fucking someone when you're married to somebody else not cheating? The one in which you were never actually married.
That's a bullshit technicality.
You never asked.
You don't wanna be that guy.
You didn't wanna join the herd.
That's what I dug about you.
Imagine my fucking disappointment when you turned out to be the biggest cliché of all, sitting there and googling yourself.
- I saw you.
- I google myself but I never cheated on you.
Never.
Cheating isn't just about fucking someone, Hank.
I got a dictionary in there that will differ with you! Bill and I didn't even touch each other until we were dead and buried.
Okay, are you trying to make me throw up now? You are out there and sticking your dick in anything that moves trying to get back at me.
Which is fine.
Do you know what the worst thing is? You are not writing.
You have this gift, you have this incredible talent, and you're just flushing it down the toilet.
Maybe you're right.
No "maybes".
You are right.
I'm fucked up right now and I I need help.
- I do, I need you baby - No, no, no Hank, Hank, Hank, I I'm getting married.
- What? - He asked and I said "yes".
Why the fuck would you do something like that? - Because I love him.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I do! - You don't.
You do not! - Yes, I do! - You don't! - How do you know? - 'Cause he's a fucking dial tone! He's everything you said you never wanted.
I'm sure he means well and everything I may be fucked up right now but I can see it, he's not the guy for you.
I can see that.
How do you know that? Because I know you.
Don't I get some say in this? Are you sure? Because it seems like I should, maybe.
I guess that's it, huh? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Best of luck in all your future endeavors.
Thank you.
Good night, honey.
Please don't use the word "vagina" around me ever again.
Don't forget to let me know where you're registered.
That's so sweet! And don't let the door hit you on your soon-to-be huge ass on the way out.
Talk to me.
Baby, what's up? - No, I'm at the movies! - Hey Come on buddy, give me a break! I swear I called the house, I talked to your mother.
No, she said What the fuck, man! What's up, baby girl! No, the asshole you're calling is gonna have to call you back.
Yes, sweetheart.
Sometime after the movie, all right? Give me the phone! Give me the phone! You know what? You don't touch the phone, okay? Stupid guy! Don't do it.
Baby, I'm sorry but some stupid guy he takes the phone from me.
He freaks out like he's Mel Gibson or something.
Forget about that, baby.
Forget, 'cause you know who I am.
I don't care if I am at the movie theater What the fuck, man! Now, come on, take it.
Next time put it on vibrate homey.
Fucking turn it off! God forbid you should pass up a fucking call! Dick.
What the fuck! Piece of shit! What are you doing? What do you mean? You were just like calling me over.
No, I was like totally ambivalent.
Listen, you better get up because my boyfriend will be back any second.
You weird chick! I am, I'm also just kidding! Have a seat, please.
What if I don't want to now? Fine, your loss.
I mean Why would I wanna get to know a guy who's so in love with himself that he hangs out in a bookstores reading his own work.
If you're under the impression that I'm in love with myself then it's possible that you are higher than me right now.
So I'm battling some low self-esteem.
You have no idea.
Poor baby.
Hank, my name is Hank.
I know.
- Mia.
- Nice to meet you, Mia.
Likewise.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Did you see that movie? And what did you think? - Honestly? - Yes, brutal truth.
It really sucked.
The director ruined it, he should be shot.
I took care of him already.
So you're like this famous writer, huh? Hardly, more like a one hit wonder.
Well, now I'm definitely for sure, absolutely not going to sleep with you.
Are you gonna cum? I don't see why not.
I'm happy to report that Becca is a delightful student.
Smart, inquisitive, full of life.
And yet I sense a big hairy "but" lurking around the corner.
This is my life.
Can you take those off? It's okay, he is right, but I'm slightly worried about her emerging sexuality.
Oh, thank god.
She's a lesbian.
Thank god.
- What are you talking about? - I think we can all agree by and large that men are assholes.
I, for one, am happy that she prefers the fairer sex.
It looks like we're the proud parents of a lesbian daughter.
Up high! Let's celebrate.
Come on, don't leave me hanging What? You're ashamed of our gay daughter? What happened to your eye? Okay, hold on a second here, folks.
Becca is not a lesbian.
- She's not? - No.
Based on what I've seen, no.
Then, why are we discussing her sexuality? Because it seems, she very recently has discovered - the attention of boys.
- Well, she's beautiful.
She takes after her mother.
The make up and the slutty clothes.
I caught her making out with this boy last week.
- And he - He was what? Feeling her up.
She is 12 years old.
What, there's nothing there to feel You know, I don't see why we should put such a negative spin on this, I mean, she's growing up, it's only natural.
- I'll talk to her.
- No.
No, I will talk to her.
No, because you're just gonna loose your shit and that's gonna make-- You'll talk to her she'll wind up pregnant.
Then everything will be fine and fucking dandy.
Oh, my god.
- You're such a funny asshole.
- Folks, I only bring it up because When I told her it was an inappropriate behaviour, she said "How else do we get boys to like you?" So I have an offer for you! Forgive me, I haven't heard that one in a while.
Don't get too excited.
I wish you would've said that before the blood started rushing into my cock.
Lovely, thank you for that image.
- Are you familiar with Hell-A magazine? - Hell, no.
Now, they would like you to blog for them.
Fuck me.
Must be my trick ear but I thought you said "blog".
The good people at Hell-A, are very interested in your thoughts on the battle between the sexes and this adopted city of yours.
Do you have a gun? You know, I did have a very hot dream about a nun the other night - who gave me a blow job - There you go, a nun and a blow job.
- This excellent, excellent.
- You think? Doesn't take Freud to figure it out but Well, Hank, have we established that you have a certain predilection for the company of unavailable women? - No, we haven't established that.
- I've established it.
And what would be the ultimate manifestation of such a fetish? Perhaps, getting a blow-job, from a woman who is essentially married to God Can it just be that it's naughty? What the fuck is going on with you, man? How are you? I'm fine, I'm I'm disgusted with my life and myself but I'm not unhappy about that.
How are you? Okay, as your friend and agent, may I simply suggest that you may be try to start looking for a nice girl.
A nice girl? I wouldn't know what to say to a nice girl.
Seeing as you're 10 s away from sitting at a dinner with one - you better figure something out.
- That's not cool.
- I'm naughty, too.
- Motherfucker.
- Hello, wife.
- Hello boys.
So, Hank Meredith You're a writer.
Once upon a time, I was, yeah in a little place I like to call New York City.
I've heard of it.
He's still a writer.
A great writer.
No, that's, see, that's where you're wrong and the writers write.
That what they do.
Me Not so much, nothing.
Nada.
Well, have you written anything I might have read? Well, that depends on whether or not you read, Meredith.
- I read, Hank.
- Excellent.
Most recently, I gave man birth to a weighty tome called "God hates us all.
" Such a catchy title, no? Which was subsequently turned into a movie called "A crazy little thing called love".
The one with Tom and Katie? - I love that.
- Swell.
That was such a sweet movie.
- You liked it? - Well, congrats, Hanks.
You must be really proud.
Like you wouldn't believe.
Tell me about yourself.
What would you like to know? Well, just the Cliffs Notes would be fine.
Well, I don't know, Hank, you seem to have me all figured out, why don't you give it a try? Yeah, why don't we order a little something, some wine maybe? Honey, trust me, getting your asshole bleached would be much more fun.
Yeah, is there a waiter? Perhaps, waiter, garçon? - I don't think you want to hear that.
- Sure I do.
Tell me a little bit about myself, I mean, that's what writers do, right? They make up stuff.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I think you were born in the Valley.
Nice part though Hidden Hills, Calabasas or something like that? Your father was middle-management white collar executive.
Stay-at-home mum.
You didn't want to stray too far to go to College so you went to USC.
UCLA? No, no, S-C, S-C.
You had a serious boyfriend in college who broke up right after, he married the next one.
You got a low maitenance gig in human resources industry.
You got a string of bad relationships, you put on some weight.
You looked around and saw all your friends starting to pair up and get married so you decided you should loose the weight, you joined a gym, got addicted, maybe did a little running.
Say you wanna work.
Maybe start your own party planning business fancy yourself kind of a poor girl’s Martha Stewart.
But what you really wanna do? Sit at home, on the couch with some poor sap watching reality TV while he watches you get fat again.
Now you're giving me that look right now look like I finger banged your cat.
But what you really think is if I manage to get outta here in the next 15 mins I can still make it at home in time to watch America Next Top Model, which I have tivoed, I swear to god! That show is fierce! - You're a real prick, you know that? - Guilty.
Guilty as charged.
I thought she liked me.
- I thought it was going well.
- Sweet.
- She did ask for it.
- Yeah, totally, she got it.
Go home, honey.
Sleep it off.
Tomorrow is another day.
What's wrong? Just thought that you were gonna hit me.
- Why? - No reason.
As you were.
Defile me.
Yeah, hello? Not the best time, no.
Okay, okay, I'll be right there.
- Are you kidding me? - Consider yourself defiled.
You're an asshole! - Where? - Somewhere up in the Palisades.
- Who did she go with? - Bill's daughter.
Didn't know Bill had a daughter.
How old is she? - Sixteen.
- And you let Becca hang out with her? Yeah, she's a good kid: she's the one that called to tell me that Becca was in trouble.
What? What? You smell like pussy.
Thank you.
As you were.
I hate you.
All right, I guess I deserved that.
No one deserves that.
You wanna come in? What about the lord of the manor? He's outta town.
Sure.
Wash the pussy off.
That happens.
It was gonna happen, sooner or later.
- Do you think I was wrong? - No, you did exactly what I wanted to do which doesn't make it right.
I just reacted.
Just picked her up.
Yeah, you've always been a walking id.
Which oddly enough is the title of my next novel.
What next novel? Hey, let's just talk about Becca.
Well it's all kinda the same thing, isn't it? You called me.
Yeah, your daughter was in trouble, I thought you should know.
Oh, bullshit.
You were alone and you freaked out.
You wanted me to handle it.
I want you in my life, I Because you're still in love with me and you wanna have like 10.
000 more of my babies.
No, it's because what happens to Becca is our responsability and like it or not, we're tied to each other for life.
- Yes.
- Minus the obvious Sexual benefits.
You seem to have that pretty well covered right now.
Don't sell yourself short.
As I recall, our problems did not extend to the bedroom.
Please stop.
God, we just kinda sucked at everything else.
We were great once and you know it.
Hank What are you doing? Marry me.
- What? - Don't marry him.
Marry me.
Hank, don't fuck with me.
I'm not fucking with you.
I don't work without you.
Oh, I get it, you want your muse back? You'll save me.
And I'll save you.
I fucked up, I think we fucked up and in matters big and small and I never asked you.
I'm asking you now.
Marry me.
You so wanna get with me right now.
I'm so sorry.
- You're okay? - Yeah.
This is Mia.
Bill's daughter.
And this is Hank.
You two know each other? Well I do recognize you Yeah, sure I do from your book.
Your picture is on the back.
Right.
How is she? Well, she hates us.
You know, she's fine.
And that was very cool what you did tonight.
It's nice to see some good old-fashioned family values in this morally bankrupt city of ours.
That's me, I'm all about the family values.
What happened to your eye? Yeah, what did happen to your eye, hank? Well, you should see the other guy I hope she doesn't press charges It's not a "she" It was a "he", the other guy.
Right.
Well whatever, I'm off to bed.
Good night.
It was - nice to meet you, Hank.
- Nice to meet you too.
She seems nice.
She is.
She is great.
- She is a good kid.
- How old might she be? She's sixteen.
Sixteen? Wow Sixteen I know what you're thinking No, I don't think you do.
Give me a break.
Your jaw is practically on the fucking floor, Hank.
You're such a dirty old man.
No, I'm not.
Oh, I'm just fucking with you.
Good bye.