Call Me Fitz (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
The Pilot
[Sonja moaning.]
FITZ: Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy? SONJA: Mr.
Fitz! FITZ: Who's the hottest guy around? SONJA: Mr.
Fitz is! FITZ: Oh, yeah! Who's been number one in pre-owned auto sales for the last 9 years? Mr.
Fitz! Oh, yeah.
FITZ: Once in a lifetime, you meet a man you can look up to.
A man who makes you proud.
The kind of man who makes you strive to be a better person.
Oh! I am not that man.
MAN: Yo, Mr.
Fitz? Oh, for Christ's sake! Your father sent me.
Hey, Sonja.
Hi! That old lady's back again, and she's asking for you.
God, that lazy fuck! Why can he close a b-bag for a change? Sorry, Sonja, duty calls.
J' Yes, I can J' J' Suddenly, yes, I can J' J' "Gee, I'm afraid to go on" J' J' Has turned into, "Yes, I can"J' You've probably heard of me.
Richard Fitzpatrick, but you can call me Fitz.
Hottest pre-owned car salesman this side of Detroit.
WOMAN: Way to go, Fitz! Give me a blind monk in traction, I'll have him paying high book for a third-rate Miata before you can say "lay down.
" That's car speak for 'bucket â J' I was just born today J' All I've got to do is keep looking out for number one, and the world is my car lot.
WOMAN: Fitz, I love you! Can! Hey, shit sack! Sell 'em the car already! Relax, I'm on it! Look, if she wants you to go down on her, put a snorkel on and dive.
[Sighs.]
Classic beauty deserves a classic beauty.
Well, I think today might just be the day.
Nice to see you again.
Mr.
Fitz.
How much you looking to pay? $600 a month.
$600 up to Uh, $750? Why don't we take this baby for a test drive, and take care of the paperwork later? Don't tell the desk, but I'm a bad boy! J' Has turned into, "Yes, I can" J' [Engine turns over.]
J' Watch me fly J' [Tires screeching.]
J' Sunburned Superman, I J' J' Are you ready? J' J' I can climb Everest J' J' Yes, I can J' You know, new ones are cheap and plastic.
Classics are well-built and road-tested.
Signature on the dotted line, and we're all yours, darlin'.
[Giggling.]
J' All the way J' J' Yes J' Look out! [Tires screeching.]
[ Crashing .]
[Engine sputtering .]
[Cellphone ringing.]
Ugh! CELLPHONE: Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone! [Ringing.]
Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone! [Ringing.]
Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone! [Ringing.]
Yeah, Fitz here.
You sell the GT yet? Yeah, I'm working on it.
KEN: You, work? That'd be a first.
Fuck! Yeah, I've just got to take care of a little insurance issue first.
So, the skirt's a little short, so what? Really, I love the way that fits you! [Giggles.]
GIRL: Girls, look! A car! The woman looks hurt! -Let's move out, girls! -Come on, let's move! -What? What happened? -Look over here! Oh, no! FITZ: Okay, there we go! Why's he moving her? [Babs groaning.]
Fitzy, not in the car! Get a motel.
Yeah, yeah, already there, baby.
Just got to sign the register first.
-Okay.
-Move away from the injured woman! Oh! -GIRL #1: Come on, girls, let's go! -GIRL #2: Let's go help her! -We have to help her! -We have to help her! -What do we do? -Blanket? -All right, lie down.
-Oh! Ä°t's all good.
I've been through worse.
No one gets Fitzy down! Ring-a-ding-ding, baby! Ring-a-ding-ding! [ Explosion .]
[Girls screaming.]
Ugh! [ Groans .]
Oh, ring-a-ding-ding, baby.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
J' Watch that sparkle, sparkle like your eyes J' J' Take a glass, fill it with wine J' J' Sweet love swingin' in the clouds of white J' J' Like heaven that comes with stairs J' Hello, Richard.
J' Hold my hand and make me feel like I do right J' J' Like heaven that comes with stairs J' J' Without you J' J' I'll find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' GIRL: Vitals are stable, but with a brain injury like this, it's hard to tell.
It could be hoursor years.
Oh, come on, one last sponge bath? Your treatment is over! Yours isn't.
[Laughing.]
Thanks for the lift.
Sorry, bro.
Jamal was late with the, uh, shipment.
and 50% B.
C.
bud.
-Yeah, pay the man.
-Oh.
MAN: Yo, Fitz! Heard you almost killed a lady! [ Laughs .]
Oh, you really fucked up this time, buddy! [ Laughs .]
Hey, listen, you want to sell to us for cheap? You know, pay the legal bills! Hey, 9 and 11! Try and blow up these two towers! You will soon be washing cars in hell! Why, why, why do you let him get to you, huh? His cars, our cars, it is apples and oranges.
You want to talk about fruit, hmm? Right now, the automobile industry is like a smoothie, okay? Every fruit crushed together.
Every flavor fighting for prominence.
But there is only one straw to be had, my cousin.
One straw! -Miss me? -No! Maybe.
[Thumping.]
Who the fuck is that in my office? Larry.
What the hell's going on around here? Balloons, cake, streamers.
Usual happy crap bullshit makes me want to kill someone.
I thought it would make Larry feel more at home.
Larry? New guy.
Kind of reminds me of you, except he's not a useless prick.
You want some cake? it's vegan.
Tastes like ass.
Sorry to interrupt, but the delightful Father Grey from the Redeemer was hoping to take early delivery on the Prius.
FITZ: Who the hell is this guy, and what the fuck was he doing in my office? Saving our asses.
Business is up 10% since Larry got here.
I've been gone two days! Kid's got pluck.
I'm just trying to lend a hand, sir.
Nah, nah, I own part of this joint! Any new hires have to go through me! Yeah, well, you weren't here, you lazy Slacker! I was in the hospital! Because you were out destroying the GT! I could have been killed! Me, your only son.
Wah, wah, wah.
Want some cheese with that whine? [ Laughs .]
Good joke, sir! Very funny! Is it okay to give the officers some cake? Hey, hey, hey! The city's finest! You guys here for your annual fall discount? No, we have a few more questions about your accident.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was a real shame about that test drive, but you know those old gals and their turbos.
[Giggling.]
Except according to a witness report filed by survivalist troop 319, we have reason to believe you tampered with the scene.
Hey! I risked my life to get her out of that car.
We were thinking more along the lines of reckless endangerment.
Or, if she doesn't make it out of that coma, involuntary manslaughter.
What? You're coming with me, Bublé.
Bublé? OW! Hey, hey, get off! Oh! Watch the suit, Sugar Tits! Hey! LARRY: I'm here for you, Richard.
We'll get through this together, okay? Just -- Just breathe! Who the hell are you?! So much for salesman of the year.
Come on, lady, I need to call my lawyer.
You've already called your lawyer.
I need to call another lawyer! Well, maybe you shouldn't have dated her and her best friend at the same time.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Richard Fitzpatrick? Call me Fitz.
Let me guess: lawyer? No way anyone as good-looking as you would be down here unless it was official business.
You're very perceptive.
Mm, you have no idea.
Well, then, you should have no trouble at all perceiving this.
Bail agreement.
Old man should have put a bow on it.
ALI: Oh, it's not from your father.
I represent Babe Devon.
You might remember her.
The nice lady you left for dead in that crash? Yeah, I'll say she needs a lawyer.
One of those old broads who liked it rough and fast.
[ Laughs .]
Rough and fast? I knew she had her quirks, but, Mom! Mom? Afraid so.
Test drives are taken at your own risk.
Fitzpatrick Motors isn't liable for any damages -- Not liable? [ Laughs .]
You car salesmen are all the same.
Bottom-feeders who will stop at nothing to make a buck.
Do anything, say anything just to move the next hunk of junk.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady! A pre-owned automobile is no hunk of junk! Let's talk about who the real victim is here, okay? Do you have any idea what that accident's going to do to my insurance rates? [ Laughs .]
The only thing I know, Mr.
Fitzpatrick, is that this all ends here.
You and your dealership are going down.
My specialty.
Hey, wait Alison! That was just a -- I'm a good guy! Go long.
-Long! -JUSTIN: Hit me! [Tires screech, horn honks.]
Come back here! There is traffic on this street! Come say good-bye to Uncle Richard.
I can't believe Larry bailed you out.
-I would have left you there to rot.
-Yeah, get in line.
Justin Seamus Schneiderman Fitzpatrick! Do not even think about touching that cat! You are allergic! You look like shit! Yeah, thanks.
Keys? Can't.
Saul's at his therapist, I have hip-hop at 4, Dad's coming for dinner.
Justin, I will not say it again! You leave that cat alone! I will not have my child stoned on antihistamines before dinner! I made potpie.
You should stay! Christ, Meghan, I got a shitload to do.
With this new guy up the old man's ass, I got to get the lot back on track.
He doesn't tell you anything, does he? Tick-took! Dad just sold half of his shares of the dealership.
What? If that woman dies, Dick, you could be in jail for the rest of your life.
Dad is an old man.
Either way, I'm sure Larry will definitely have -- To the new guy? Justin went nuts for him at dinner the other night.
Do you know he plays the French horn, just like you did when you were in school? Of course, I'm sure he didn't bang the music teacher.
Face it, Dick.
This time, you're fucked.
Fuck.
You motherfucker! Okay.
-Working late? -Huh? Boyfriend kick you out? Suck it up! Uh, I'm in between places right now.
Either way, I don't see the need for the aggression.
Oh, I don't know.
Guy's out of commission for a couple days, comes back to find no office, no business, some schmuck trying to take over his life! -You've got it all wrong, Richard.
-Really? I know every dealership in this town, and I've never heard of you.
No one has! Oh, I think you know who I am.
FITZ: And then I get to thinking.
How does a nobody like you even come up with the money to buy into a place like this, huh? You son of a bitch! That money belonged to the staff.
Siphoning from the office pool for, what, 15 years now? Not to mention the pension fund? How do you know about that? Nobody knows about that.
I know! But, now that we're co-owners, we can work together to make you whole again.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not just here to sell cars, Richard.
[ Scoffs .]
Sell cars? I wouldn't let you park my fucking car.
LARRY: Oh, I don't know.
I moved quite a few this weekend.
Best Saturday sales ever! You know, Ken was really impressed.
All you did was ruin a perfectly good GT and destroy a woman's life.
Anybody can sell a couple of shit boxes on a Saturday afternoon.
You want to see Ken impressed? You watch me sell that fucking GT to a woman in a coma.
That's impossible.
Ah, it'll be a snap.
A new coat of paint, a brief moment of consciousness, and voila! If anyone can arouse a woman it's me.
J' Somebody told me that when you fall J' J' You'll be feeling small 'cause you lost it all J' Hey, Gary, gotta get that -- OW! Sorry! J' I'm coming back for more J' [Humming.]
J' Won't count myself out J' J' I'll do it, no doubt J' J' I'm coming back for more J' J' Gotta hammer away, like aat play J' J' Life ain't easy, my friend J' J' I'll keep on working J' J' And find my gold in the end J' J' Anything is possible if I try J' J' No matter how, I've got to climb J' J' Won't count myself out J' [Whirring.]
J' I'll do it, no doubt J' J' Y'all better watch out J' J' 'Cause I'm coming back for more J' [Engine idling.]
[Car door closes.]
J' Won't count myself out J' [ Emergency brake releases .]
J' I'm coming back for more J' [Tires screech .]
[Heart monitor beeping.]
Yo, Babs.
Ä°t's me, Fitzy.
Just thought I'd pop by and let you know I fixed up that Mustang for you! Ä°t's better than mint, just like I promised.
Close this deal off today, I bet I can get the guys to throw in a free set of mud flaps for you.
Maybe even knock off the tax.
[Beeping continues .]
You want to feel the wind in your hair? Well, I got dreams, too, you know? A couple more years, my old man finally kicks it, I'm going to open up a place of my own: The Summer Wind.
Leather booths, those choice palm trees.
You know, the ones you don't have to water? Real martinis.
Old-school.
One day, big time.
The strip, where I can have a stage of my own.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
[Beeping continues .]
it's just business, Babs.
You understand.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do to arouse a woman.
I've been waking them up like this since junior prom.
[inhales sharply, exhales.]
Richard, what are you doing?! I'm closing the deal! No, no, no, no, no! Bad idea! -This is not the way to do it! -What are you -- [ Footsteps approaching .]
GIRL: I don't know what to say.
GIRL #2: Just say, "Dad, I'm in love!" My brother came out last year.
Cut me some slack, okay? -Good morning, Mrs.
Devon! -GIRL: Good morning, Mrs.
Devon! We've been practicing! [Violin playing, shoes tapping.]
-Oh! -NURSE: Let's go, come on! -Visiting hours are over! -Shh! -Get your hand away! -Sorry! Come on, let's go! -GIRL #1: Good-bye, Mrs.
Devon! -GIRL #2: Good-bye, Mrs.
Devon! FITZ: Oh! Oh! [ Groans .]
Okay, okay.
Direct pressure on the bridge.
-Cover me.
-Why? Richard, Richard, I will not let you do this! -You're not the boss of me! -Yeah? Then I'll just call security.
No way! OW! [ Moans .]
FITZ: Come on.
Hey, Ali! I was going to get you a coffee, but then I thought, you know, given the circumstances your anxiety level must be through the roof.
Oh, are you like a war volunteer? No, I was there, at the accident.
I can help you bring Dick Fitz down.
You know, be a witness? You saw what happened? I see lots of things.
Oh, thanks.
Mom? That mother-stealing fucker Fitz! [Tires screech .]
Pre-owned is in trouble! Hybrids, carpoolers, telecommuters, cash for clunkers.
What about clunkers for cash, huh? I'm just doing what I got to do to stay alive and be number one.
Ä°t's like the Chairman always used to say.
You got to have talent, and you got to know what to do with it.
Ä°t's the only thing that matters.
Not friends, not family.
Oh, I've been meaning to ask you about your daughter.
Is she seeing anyone? LARRY: [Screaming muffled.]
Aah! [Tires screech .]
-ugh! -ugh! Aah! -Aah! -You are dead, man! No, wait, wait, Richard! You're making a mistake! -Please, don't do this to us! -Us? There is no "us," psycho! Who sent you? Has it ever occurred to you that there's more to a man than skin and bones and chronic liver damage? Uh, no.
Have you thought that maybe your accident stirred something inside of you, like perhaps your conscience? Every man, woman, and child has one, Richard.
Yours just happens to be a little less puffy than you.
Conscience? You think you're my conscience? You're even sicker than I thought! April 4th, 1984, you stole Hattie Farnham's lunch, and then you felt up her deaf-mute twin.
December 2nd, 1993, you borrowed Grandma's Datsun, and then you traded it for a bag of dope and a one-way ticket to Miami?! How'd you know about that? Same way I know that you cheated on your dealership exam, Richard.
Which means that technically, you're not licensed to sell cars at all.
Oh, imagine the scandal if I let that one slip.
[Car door opens .]
[Engine revs.]
[Tires screech .]
Ugh! Hey.
Hey! Stop! You want me gone? No problem! But your precious GT is going with me! -No, no! -Yes! Did you ever see the movie -- You saw it! "Thelma and Louise"! The part where they drive off the cliff! I never saw that movie! No, you did, you did! You cried at the end, remember? Well, they were right! It really was a fantastic movie.
What do you want? Well, I think Mrs.
Devon would like to go back to the hospital.
-Done! -And from now on, until you learn to become a respectable human being, um we're partners! Yeah, you need to learn how to be good, and I'm going to teach you how to do it! Go fuck yourself! Goddamn it! Then, at least we'll die together! Wait.
Fine! Pinky swear! Reverse! [Tires screech .]
[Grunts, groans.]
[Sirens wail.]
Fuck, shit, cops! Fuck! All right, listen.
I took a bullet in the ass in Djibouti.
I lost all sense of right and left a-a-and wrong.
I have a PhD! All right, I'm just a middle man.
Where is Richard Fitzpatrick? -Who? -GIRL: it's noon.
Have you checked the bar? Hey! [ Laughs .]
Hey, officer! Alison, hey, hi! Where the hell is my mother? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fitzy always takes care of his ladies.
We received a report that you abducted Mrs.
Devon and brought her here.
What? ALI: Oh, so I see how it works.
You lure the police here while your incompetent co-workers cover your tracks.
Who's the lackey? Oh, Larry.
Pleased to meet you! Okay.
Uh, I understand you've already met my partner, Richard.
Ma'am, they said that she's at the hospital, on her way to physio now.
[ Scoffs .]
Look, I don't know what kind of game you're playing here, Fitz.
But I know you took my mother.
Would I do a thing like that? I think you're capable of just about anything.
I do my best.
Wow.
He's got great potential! You couldn't sell an ass-rape at a prison riot, could you? [ Laughs .]
Hey, Ali! Hey, Ali, wait! FITZ: I don't need to change who I am, because I'm Richard Fucking Fitzpatrick.
But you can call me Fitz.
FITZ: Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy? SONJA: Mr.
Fitz! FITZ: Who's the hottest guy around? SONJA: Mr.
Fitz is! FITZ: Oh, yeah! Who's been number one in pre-owned auto sales for the last 9 years? Mr.
Fitz! Oh, yeah.
FITZ: Once in a lifetime, you meet a man you can look up to.
A man who makes you proud.
The kind of man who makes you strive to be a better person.
Oh! I am not that man.
MAN: Yo, Mr.
Fitz? Oh, for Christ's sake! Your father sent me.
Hey, Sonja.
Hi! That old lady's back again, and she's asking for you.
God, that lazy fuck! Why can he close a b-bag for a change? Sorry, Sonja, duty calls.
J' Yes, I can J' J' Suddenly, yes, I can J' J' "Gee, I'm afraid to go on" J' J' Has turned into, "Yes, I can"J' You've probably heard of me.
Richard Fitzpatrick, but you can call me Fitz.
Hottest pre-owned car salesman this side of Detroit.
WOMAN: Way to go, Fitz! Give me a blind monk in traction, I'll have him paying high book for a third-rate Miata before you can say "lay down.
" That's car speak for 'bucket â J' I was just born today J' All I've got to do is keep looking out for number one, and the world is my car lot.
WOMAN: Fitz, I love you! Can! Hey, shit sack! Sell 'em the car already! Relax, I'm on it! Look, if she wants you to go down on her, put a snorkel on and dive.
[Sighs.]
Classic beauty deserves a classic beauty.
Well, I think today might just be the day.
Nice to see you again.
Mr.
Fitz.
How much you looking to pay? $600 a month.
$600 up to Uh, $750? Why don't we take this baby for a test drive, and take care of the paperwork later? Don't tell the desk, but I'm a bad boy! J' Has turned into, "Yes, I can" J' [Engine turns over.]
J' Watch me fly J' [Tires screeching.]
J' Sunburned Superman, I J' J' Are you ready? J' J' I can climb Everest J' J' Yes, I can J' You know, new ones are cheap and plastic.
Classics are well-built and road-tested.
Signature on the dotted line, and we're all yours, darlin'.
[Giggling.]
J' All the way J' J' Yes J' Look out! [Tires screeching.]
[ Crashing .]
[Engine sputtering .]
[Cellphone ringing.]
Ugh! CELLPHONE: Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone! [Ringing.]
Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone! [Ringing.]
Ring-a-ding-ding, Fitzy.
Answer the phone! [Ringing.]
Yeah, Fitz here.
You sell the GT yet? Yeah, I'm working on it.
KEN: You, work? That'd be a first.
Fuck! Yeah, I've just got to take care of a little insurance issue first.
So, the skirt's a little short, so what? Really, I love the way that fits you! [Giggles.]
GIRL: Girls, look! A car! The woman looks hurt! -Let's move out, girls! -Come on, let's move! -What? What happened? -Look over here! Oh, no! FITZ: Okay, there we go! Why's he moving her? [Babs groaning.]
Fitzy, not in the car! Get a motel.
Yeah, yeah, already there, baby.
Just got to sign the register first.
-Okay.
-Move away from the injured woman! Oh! -GIRL #1: Come on, girls, let's go! -GIRL #2: Let's go help her! -We have to help her! -We have to help her! -What do we do? -Blanket? -All right, lie down.
-Oh! Ä°t's all good.
I've been through worse.
No one gets Fitzy down! Ring-a-ding-ding, baby! Ring-a-ding-ding! [ Explosion .]
[Girls screaming.]
Ugh! [ Groans .]
Oh, ring-a-ding-ding, baby.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
J' Watch that sparkle, sparkle like your eyes J' J' Take a glass, fill it with wine J' J' Sweet love swingin' in the clouds of white J' J' Like heaven that comes with stairs J' Hello, Richard.
J' Hold my hand and make me feel like I do right J' J' Like heaven that comes with stairs J' J' Without you J' J' I'll find my smile J' J' Without you J' J' I'd have won by a mile J' J' Without you J' J' Oh, life would be so grand J' J' Without you J' J' I'm half a man J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' J' Without you J' GIRL: Vitals are stable, but with a brain injury like this, it's hard to tell.
It could be hoursor years.
Oh, come on, one last sponge bath? Your treatment is over! Yours isn't.
[Laughing.]
Thanks for the lift.
Sorry, bro.
Jamal was late with the, uh, shipment.
and 50% B.
C.
bud.
-Yeah, pay the man.
-Oh.
MAN: Yo, Fitz! Heard you almost killed a lady! [ Laughs .]
Oh, you really fucked up this time, buddy! [ Laughs .]
Hey, listen, you want to sell to us for cheap? You know, pay the legal bills! Hey, 9 and 11! Try and blow up these two towers! You will soon be washing cars in hell! Why, why, why do you let him get to you, huh? His cars, our cars, it is apples and oranges.
You want to talk about fruit, hmm? Right now, the automobile industry is like a smoothie, okay? Every fruit crushed together.
Every flavor fighting for prominence.
But there is only one straw to be had, my cousin.
One straw! -Miss me? -No! Maybe.
[Thumping.]
Who the fuck is that in my office? Larry.
What the hell's going on around here? Balloons, cake, streamers.
Usual happy crap bullshit makes me want to kill someone.
I thought it would make Larry feel more at home.
Larry? New guy.
Kind of reminds me of you, except he's not a useless prick.
You want some cake? it's vegan.
Tastes like ass.
Sorry to interrupt, but the delightful Father Grey from the Redeemer was hoping to take early delivery on the Prius.
FITZ: Who the hell is this guy, and what the fuck was he doing in my office? Saving our asses.
Business is up 10% since Larry got here.
I've been gone two days! Kid's got pluck.
I'm just trying to lend a hand, sir.
Nah, nah, I own part of this joint! Any new hires have to go through me! Yeah, well, you weren't here, you lazy Slacker! I was in the hospital! Because you were out destroying the GT! I could have been killed! Me, your only son.
Wah, wah, wah.
Want some cheese with that whine? [ Laughs .]
Good joke, sir! Very funny! Is it okay to give the officers some cake? Hey, hey, hey! The city's finest! You guys here for your annual fall discount? No, we have a few more questions about your accident.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was a real shame about that test drive, but you know those old gals and their turbos.
[Giggling.]
Except according to a witness report filed by survivalist troop 319, we have reason to believe you tampered with the scene.
Hey! I risked my life to get her out of that car.
We were thinking more along the lines of reckless endangerment.
Or, if she doesn't make it out of that coma, involuntary manslaughter.
What? You're coming with me, Bublé.
Bublé? OW! Hey, hey, get off! Oh! Watch the suit, Sugar Tits! Hey! LARRY: I'm here for you, Richard.
We'll get through this together, okay? Just -- Just breathe! Who the hell are you?! So much for salesman of the year.
Come on, lady, I need to call my lawyer.
You've already called your lawyer.
I need to call another lawyer! Well, maybe you shouldn't have dated her and her best friend at the same time.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
Richard Fitzpatrick? Call me Fitz.
Let me guess: lawyer? No way anyone as good-looking as you would be down here unless it was official business.
You're very perceptive.
Mm, you have no idea.
Well, then, you should have no trouble at all perceiving this.
Bail agreement.
Old man should have put a bow on it.
ALI: Oh, it's not from your father.
I represent Babe Devon.
You might remember her.
The nice lady you left for dead in that crash? Yeah, I'll say she needs a lawyer.
One of those old broads who liked it rough and fast.
[ Laughs .]
Rough and fast? I knew she had her quirks, but, Mom! Mom? Afraid so.
Test drives are taken at your own risk.
Fitzpatrick Motors isn't liable for any damages -- Not liable? [ Laughs .]
You car salesmen are all the same.
Bottom-feeders who will stop at nothing to make a buck.
Do anything, say anything just to move the next hunk of junk.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady! A pre-owned automobile is no hunk of junk! Let's talk about who the real victim is here, okay? Do you have any idea what that accident's going to do to my insurance rates? [ Laughs .]
The only thing I know, Mr.
Fitzpatrick, is that this all ends here.
You and your dealership are going down.
My specialty.
Hey, wait Alison! That was just a -- I'm a good guy! Go long.
-Long! -JUSTIN: Hit me! [Tires screech, horn honks.]
Come back here! There is traffic on this street! Come say good-bye to Uncle Richard.
I can't believe Larry bailed you out.
-I would have left you there to rot.
-Yeah, get in line.
Justin Seamus Schneiderman Fitzpatrick! Do not even think about touching that cat! You are allergic! You look like shit! Yeah, thanks.
Keys? Can't.
Saul's at his therapist, I have hip-hop at 4, Dad's coming for dinner.
Justin, I will not say it again! You leave that cat alone! I will not have my child stoned on antihistamines before dinner! I made potpie.
You should stay! Christ, Meghan, I got a shitload to do.
With this new guy up the old man's ass, I got to get the lot back on track.
He doesn't tell you anything, does he? Tick-took! Dad just sold half of his shares of the dealership.
What? If that woman dies, Dick, you could be in jail for the rest of your life.
Dad is an old man.
Either way, I'm sure Larry will definitely have -- To the new guy? Justin went nuts for him at dinner the other night.
Do you know he plays the French horn, just like you did when you were in school? Of course, I'm sure he didn't bang the music teacher.
Face it, Dick.
This time, you're fucked.
Fuck.
You motherfucker! Okay.
-Working late? -Huh? Boyfriend kick you out? Suck it up! Uh, I'm in between places right now.
Either way, I don't see the need for the aggression.
Oh, I don't know.
Guy's out of commission for a couple days, comes back to find no office, no business, some schmuck trying to take over his life! -You've got it all wrong, Richard.
-Really? I know every dealership in this town, and I've never heard of you.
No one has! Oh, I think you know who I am.
FITZ: And then I get to thinking.
How does a nobody like you even come up with the money to buy into a place like this, huh? You son of a bitch! That money belonged to the staff.
Siphoning from the office pool for, what, 15 years now? Not to mention the pension fund? How do you know about that? Nobody knows about that.
I know! But, now that we're co-owners, we can work together to make you whole again.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not just here to sell cars, Richard.
[ Scoffs .]
Sell cars? I wouldn't let you park my fucking car.
LARRY: Oh, I don't know.
I moved quite a few this weekend.
Best Saturday sales ever! You know, Ken was really impressed.
All you did was ruin a perfectly good GT and destroy a woman's life.
Anybody can sell a couple of shit boxes on a Saturday afternoon.
You want to see Ken impressed? You watch me sell that fucking GT to a woman in a coma.
That's impossible.
Ah, it'll be a snap.
A new coat of paint, a brief moment of consciousness, and voila! If anyone can arouse a woman it's me.
J' Somebody told me that when you fall J' J' You'll be feeling small 'cause you lost it all J' Hey, Gary, gotta get that -- OW! Sorry! J' I'm coming back for more J' [Humming.]
J' Won't count myself out J' J' I'll do it, no doubt J' J' I'm coming back for more J' J' Gotta hammer away, like aat play J' J' Life ain't easy, my friend J' J' I'll keep on working J' J' And find my gold in the end J' J' Anything is possible if I try J' J' No matter how, I've got to climb J' J' Won't count myself out J' [Whirring.]
J' I'll do it, no doubt J' J' Y'all better watch out J' J' 'Cause I'm coming back for more J' [Engine idling.]
[Car door closes.]
J' Won't count myself out J' [ Emergency brake releases .]
J' I'm coming back for more J' [Tires screech .]
[Heart monitor beeping.]
Yo, Babs.
Ä°t's me, Fitzy.
Just thought I'd pop by and let you know I fixed up that Mustang for you! Ä°t's better than mint, just like I promised.
Close this deal off today, I bet I can get the guys to throw in a free set of mud flaps for you.
Maybe even knock off the tax.
[Beeping continues .]
You want to feel the wind in your hair? Well, I got dreams, too, you know? A couple more years, my old man finally kicks it, I'm going to open up a place of my own: The Summer Wind.
Leather booths, those choice palm trees.
You know, the ones you don't have to water? Real martinis.
Old-school.
One day, big time.
The strip, where I can have a stage of my own.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
[Beeping continues .]
it's just business, Babs.
You understand.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do to arouse a woman.
I've been waking them up like this since junior prom.
[inhales sharply, exhales.]
Richard, what are you doing?! I'm closing the deal! No, no, no, no, no! Bad idea! -This is not the way to do it! -What are you -- [ Footsteps approaching .]
GIRL: I don't know what to say.
GIRL #2: Just say, "Dad, I'm in love!" My brother came out last year.
Cut me some slack, okay? -Good morning, Mrs.
Devon! -GIRL: Good morning, Mrs.
Devon! We've been practicing! [Violin playing, shoes tapping.]
-Oh! -NURSE: Let's go, come on! -Visiting hours are over! -Shh! -Get your hand away! -Sorry! Come on, let's go! -GIRL #1: Good-bye, Mrs.
Devon! -GIRL #2: Good-bye, Mrs.
Devon! FITZ: Oh! Oh! [ Groans .]
Okay, okay.
Direct pressure on the bridge.
-Cover me.
-Why? Richard, Richard, I will not let you do this! -You're not the boss of me! -Yeah? Then I'll just call security.
No way! OW! [ Moans .]
FITZ: Come on.
Hey, Ali! I was going to get you a coffee, but then I thought, you know, given the circumstances your anxiety level must be through the roof.
Oh, are you like a war volunteer? No, I was there, at the accident.
I can help you bring Dick Fitz down.
You know, be a witness? You saw what happened? I see lots of things.
Oh, thanks.
Mom? That mother-stealing fucker Fitz! [Tires screech .]
Pre-owned is in trouble! Hybrids, carpoolers, telecommuters, cash for clunkers.
What about clunkers for cash, huh? I'm just doing what I got to do to stay alive and be number one.
Ä°t's like the Chairman always used to say.
You got to have talent, and you got to know what to do with it.
Ä°t's the only thing that matters.
Not friends, not family.
Oh, I've been meaning to ask you about your daughter.
Is she seeing anyone? LARRY: [Screaming muffled.]
Aah! [Tires screech .]
-ugh! -ugh! Aah! -Aah! -You are dead, man! No, wait, wait, Richard! You're making a mistake! -Please, don't do this to us! -Us? There is no "us," psycho! Who sent you? Has it ever occurred to you that there's more to a man than skin and bones and chronic liver damage? Uh, no.
Have you thought that maybe your accident stirred something inside of you, like perhaps your conscience? Every man, woman, and child has one, Richard.
Yours just happens to be a little less puffy than you.
Conscience? You think you're my conscience? You're even sicker than I thought! April 4th, 1984, you stole Hattie Farnham's lunch, and then you felt up her deaf-mute twin.
December 2nd, 1993, you borrowed Grandma's Datsun, and then you traded it for a bag of dope and a one-way ticket to Miami?! How'd you know about that? Same way I know that you cheated on your dealership exam, Richard.
Which means that technically, you're not licensed to sell cars at all.
Oh, imagine the scandal if I let that one slip.
[Car door opens .]
[Engine revs.]
[Tires screech .]
Ugh! Hey.
Hey! Stop! You want me gone? No problem! But your precious GT is going with me! -No, no! -Yes! Did you ever see the movie -- You saw it! "Thelma and Louise"! The part where they drive off the cliff! I never saw that movie! No, you did, you did! You cried at the end, remember? Well, they were right! It really was a fantastic movie.
What do you want? Well, I think Mrs.
Devon would like to go back to the hospital.
-Done! -And from now on, until you learn to become a respectable human being, um we're partners! Yeah, you need to learn how to be good, and I'm going to teach you how to do it! Go fuck yourself! Goddamn it! Then, at least we'll die together! Wait.
Fine! Pinky swear! Reverse! [Tires screech .]
[Grunts, groans.]
[Sirens wail.]
Fuck, shit, cops! Fuck! All right, listen.
I took a bullet in the ass in Djibouti.
I lost all sense of right and left a-a-and wrong.
I have a PhD! All right, I'm just a middle man.
Where is Richard Fitzpatrick? -Who? -GIRL: it's noon.
Have you checked the bar? Hey! [ Laughs .]
Hey, officer! Alison, hey, hi! Where the hell is my mother? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fitzy always takes care of his ladies.
We received a report that you abducted Mrs.
Devon and brought her here.
What? ALI: Oh, so I see how it works.
You lure the police here while your incompetent co-workers cover your tracks.
Who's the lackey? Oh, Larry.
Pleased to meet you! Okay.
Uh, I understand you've already met my partner, Richard.
Ma'am, they said that she's at the hospital, on her way to physio now.
[ Scoffs .]
Look, I don't know what kind of game you're playing here, Fitz.
But I know you took my mother.
Would I do a thing like that? I think you're capable of just about anything.
I do my best.
Wow.
He's got great potential! You couldn't sell an ass-rape at a prison riot, could you? [ Laughs .]
Hey, Ali! Hey, Ali, wait! FITZ: I don't need to change who I am, because I'm Richard Fucking Fitzpatrick.
But you can call me Fitz.