Call Your Mother (2021) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1
Freddie, it's your mom. Call me.
Freddie.Mom.Call me
Freddie, call me back.
Freddie. Freddie. Freddie. Freddie?
Oh, Freddie! Finally.
Nope. Not Freddie.
It's Jackie, your good child.
Oh, shoot.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry. I'm just worried
about your brother.
He's fine.
I'm sure he'll get back to you
when he stops being stupid.
Freddie's not stupid, Jackie.
Come on. The kid failed
"Spanish I" three times.
They were finally just like,
"No más, por favor."
Be nice. He's not like you.
By the time you were in L.A. for a year,
you had a job, boyfriend.
What does Freddie have?
Nada. He just doesn't know
how to say it.
Relax. I'm sure you'll hear
from him soon.
Okay.
I'm sure you're right.
Thanks, Sweetie.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too.
[Sighs]
So you're not going to tell her
you're flying out there to check on him?
No, she'd just try to talk me out of it.
It's been four days since
I've heard from him, Sharon.
I get it.
When Ted Jr. first got married,
I didn't hear from him for a month,
and I freaked out.
Turns out that nasty old wife of his
saved my name in his phone
as "Spam Risk."
But flying out to Los Angeles is insane,
even for you, Jean.
Sweetie, ever since you lost Mike,
if you don't hear back
from someone right away,
you immediately assume the worst.
You have issues, Jean.
This isn't a dead husband thing.
Trust me. I just know my own kid.
The reason Freddie
failed "Spanish I" three times
is because he couldn't ask
the teacher for help.
His silence is a scream.
So, how long are you staying out there?
As long as he needs me.
So, what are you thinking?
- Pornos?
- Oh!
It's California. He's good-looking.
Spells pornos to me.
Oh, for cripes sake, Sharon.
It's Freddie.
When was the last time you saw
a good-looking guy in a porno?
Not since everybody went hairless.
Really? I don't mind that.
Mm.
I don't know
who I'm supposed to be anymore.
If I'm not mothering,
am I still a mother?
If I'm not teaching anymore,
am I still a teacher?
I think you're overreacting.
Do we even exist, Sharon?
Well, maybe this is when we get
to slow down
and contemplate our quiet wisdom.
Maybe.
[Horn honks]
We're contemplating, ya dick!
Go around!
♪♪
♪♪
Ooh, well, hello!
Oh, who are you?
Oh, that's quite a face you have there.
You might want to get off the ground.
Ripper has a tendency to hump.
So do I.
Oh!
Hi. Uh, I'm Jean.
- I'm your renter.
- Hi. Ripper, inside.
I'm Danny. Uh, I'm your host.
Actually, I just became an Incredi-host,
which is, uh It's a pretty big deal
in the hosting world.
Um, they sent me a little sticker
for my water bottle.
Anyway, come on in. Come on in.
- [Camera shutter clicks]
- Everything okay?
I watch a lot of "Forensic Files"
nondescript white male
luring women to his guest house.
I just texted your photo
and address to my friend Sharon.
She's a security guard
at Ross Dress For Less.
She took a hanger to the neck
during Black Friday
and still finished her shift.
So, if you murder me,
you won't get away with it.
Okay. Lots to take in there.
Yet all I can really think about
is being described as "nondescript."
Ooh, wow!
This is nice.
Thank you.
I, uh I built it
for my wife's parents.
Unfortunately, my wife left.
But fortunately,
she took her parents with her.
So, you're divorced?
Uh, I'm en route.
My wife and I dropped
our daughter at college,
and I turned to her and said,
"Finally, it's our time."
And she said "God, no. It's me time."
And then her lawyers started
billing me for their time.
So, Airbnb time.
Anyway, clearly, I'm feeling
a bit sorry for myself.
My husband died
when my kids were 11 and 8.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I really wish you'd gone first.
Told your story first, not died.
So, what brings you to California?
Uh, somehow both my kids ended up here.
You know, I think my son is in trouble.
He hasn't called me back in four days.
Four days?
And you flew all the way to Los Angeles?
My kids and I are very connected.
Honestly, I'd still be breastfeeding
if we lived in France.
[Laughs]
Okay. Uh, we got a full kitchen.
There is a separate bedroom,
much like my wife and I had
towards the end.
- Oh.
- She blamed it on my snoring.
I think it was more to do
with the 30-year-old lifeguard
she was sleeping with.
I don't know why I told you that.
Oh, people tell me stuff.
It's kind of a thing with me.
Which is why it bothers me so much
that I don't know
what's going on with my son.
Ah, well, you know,
sometimes you have to wait
for people to come to you.
Yeah.
I'm more of a hunt them down
and force my love on them
kind of person.
So when you watch "Forensic Files,"
whose side are you on there, Jean?
Always on the side of the mom.
♪♪
Just remember, whatever's going
on with Freddie, stay calm.
Even if it's hookers.
It's not hookers, Sharon!
You know I browbeat a healthy
respect for women into that boy.
I'll call you later.
Oh, thank God.
Freddie!
Mom! Oh, Mom!
Um, Celia, my mom's here!
Oh, my God, that's your mom?
Freddie, you didn't tell me
your mom was coming.
I didn't know my mom was coming.
Mom, what are you
what are you doing here?
I brought you socks
and the toilet paper you like.
You know, your door
was unlocked, Freddie.
And almost all my murder shows
start with an unlocked door
in a bad neighborhood.
This isn't a bad neighborhood.
There's a pot store on the corner.
It's Los Angeles, Mom.
There's a pot store on every corner.
Why haven't I heard from you?
I've been really busy.
Of course. I understand that.
Do you need help, Freddie?
I'm here now. Just ask.
What?
What? Oh, my God.
Mom, is this about Spanish?
Ms. Fuentes was there for you.
She offered to meet with you
after school,
but you kept saying, "I've got this."
But you didn't have it, Freddie.
You needed help.
Yeah, Mom, that was in seventh grade!
I'm 23 years old,
and I'm a grown-ass man.
Grown-ass men can fall
through the cracks.
A lot of them are
outside that pot shop right now.
[Camera shutter clicks]
Do you want me to tag you in this?
Who is this?
Mom, this is Celia.
Uh, Celia's my
Don't be dumb, Fred. Say it.
My Bae.
I am so happy to meet you.
Freddie talks about you all the time.
Really? Because I've never heard
about you.
But I'd like to.
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living?
Do twins run in your family?
No, no, no, no. We're not doing this.
Born in Cuba, raised in Laurel Canyon.
I'm a social media influencer.
Mom's a twin and so is my aunt.
- Mm.
- Hey, Mom.
- Yeah?
- I'm serious.
You can't just show up
to my apartment unannounced.
I'm not some visitor.
I birthed you.
You're part of my body.
A person doesn't have to call to say
they're visiting their left breast.
That's true.
It's not like I make a habit
of showing up unannounced.
I haven't seen you in months.
I've never even been
to this new apartment,
which is shockingly nice, by the way.
Why "shockingly nice"?
Hey, Mom, I've been
at a gaming convention
for the last five days.
I sold that game I've been working on.
- [Gasps]
- It's It's a big deal.
Oh, honey, you sold your game?
Oh, that's a huge deal!
Do the women look like real women?
Yeah, Mom, I took all your notes.
Oh, congratulations!
I'm so proud of you!
We have to celebrate.
Yeah, well, we kinda were. [Chuckles]
Oh. Oh!
Sorry. I guess I interrupted.
I-I'll, um I'll leave you guys to it.
Uh, Mom, I'm I'm sorry.
Wait. Uh, how long are you in town?
Maybe we can celebrate tomorrow?
Oh. Sure.
Um, I could cook dinner at my place.
I'll make my famous meatloaf.
And, you, Bae, are, of course, welcome.
Nope. [Chuckles] Her name is Celia.
Uh, I'll call your sister and Andy.
You have a sister, Fred?
She doesn't know Jackie?
Uh
Yeah, I don't
I don't really talk to Jackie
these days.
I have a cousin named Jackie
whom I also don't talk to.
That's weird, right?
What do you mean you don't talk to her?
She lives in Florida. Deep Florida.
I mean, she doesn't call me.
So, if that's the way that she wants it,
it's fine with me, I guess.
Why would she want it that way?
Because that's where her parents live.
♪♪
Sharon! Freddie is alive
and he has a girlfriend.
And get this. Freddie and Jackie
haven't spoken in months.
What? Those two used to be inseparable.
They used to take baths together.
I know. I got kicked off of Facebook
for posting the video.
How could anybody be offended
by that little dangle?
I'm at Jackie's. I'll call you later.
[Sighs]
Hello. I-Is Jackie here?
Whatever it is, she's not gonna sign it.
She doesn't believe in anything.
What? I don't like that.
I'm her mother.
You're Jackie's mother?
Yes. Jackie's mother.
At Jackie's apartment.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Lane.
I live with Jackie.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Raines.
Ah.
Where's Andy?
Okay, um, Andy is
Jackie's ex-boyfriend, right?
Ex-boyfriend? Since when?
Well, before my time,
but I think the ghosting
happened four months ago.
Not ghost like "boo."
Ghost like "bye, boo."
A-Andy just left?
And now you two are dating?
Oh, no. I'm gay.
Yeah, you couldn't tell.
I'm not really "L.A. gay" yet.
I did okay in Wooster.
That's where I'm from.
I mean, it's very low-key homo there.
Like, the grooming shop at Petco
was kind of a scene,
but nothing like here.
Jackie's right.
You're very easy to talk to.
[Chuckles]
Why is Jackie keeping secrets from me?
She broke up with Andy and she's
not speaking to her brother?
Jackie has a brother?
What the hell?
Jackie's very private.
Like, I only found out
about her dating Hank
because the walls are so thin.
Wh-Who's Hank?
Her boss.
I shouldn't say more. He's old.
That's all you're getting out of me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.
Okay. That's enough.
Lane, you and Jackie are coming
over for dinner tomorrow night.
We're gonna get this
whole thing out in the open.
And I apologize in advance.
It could get ugly.
I came out to my parents
on the drive to Bible Camp.
You don't know ugly.
How did this happen?
I was always the mom who had
the special bond with her kids.
They used to tell me everything.
I was the first person
that Freddie called
when he thought he lost his virginity.
Hmm. So to answer your question,
uh, the Wi-Fi password is
on the back of the router.
It's "kookaburra."
Sorry. I guess that's a lot.
I just never wanted to be the mom
whose kids ended up in therapy,
talking to some overpriced quack
who wasn't smart enough
to be a real doctor.
I'm a therapist.
Kookaburra, you say?
Look, I know you want to be
close to your kids, of course.
But sometimes when we lose
someone prematurely,
like you have with your husband,
it can cause us to hold on
to those we love tighter
than we would otherwise
when what's really needed
is to let them go.
Wow, you're good.
[Knock on door]
They're here. Get out.
Yes, okay. I will I will leave,
but hey, don't please don't
let your time with family
affect your review, okay?
Just remember that your stay
here can still be five stars
even though your kids are like two.
Okay, I'll go.
- Hi.
- Mom, I can't believe you're here.
I-I can't believe you went over
to my apartment.
I can't believe you pumped
my friend for information
about my personal life.
Not pumped.
Charmed.
Jackie, why didn't you tell me
that you and Andy broke up?
Mom! Why did you invite Jackie?
Oh, you're Jackie?
You look nothing like my cousin Jackie.
Well, my cousin Jackie doesn't
even look like my cousin Jackie.
She got a new chin.
Oh, I love your house.
So many great backgrounds.
Jackie, say hi to your brother.
He really missed you.
- I didn't say that.
- Mm.
Well, she misses you.
I said he was stupid.
Come on, you guys.
You have to patch things up.
Oh, is this why you flew out here?
To butt into my life?
No. I flew out here
to butt into Freddie's life.
But then I find out that
somehow Freddie's doing great
and you're a mess.
Oh, "somehow" Freddie is doing great.
Thanks, Mom.
"Somehow" doing great in his
"shockingly" nice apartment.
Hi. Celia. Cute top. Cute bottoms.
Lane. Thanks.
Cute everything on you, too.
How long have you been
dating Fred's sister?
Oh, we're not dating. I'm gay.
Don't worry that you couldn't tell.
Hmm, I could tell. I just didn't
know if you could tell.
We talk every day.
But I have to come here to find out
that you're dating an old man
and Freddie's dating
a brunette.
You guys, let me tell you a story.
When your dad died,
I felt completely alone.
But you know who showed up
for me every day?
My family.
Yep. With board games
and terrible, terrible food.
So much tuna hot dish.
And they they got me through it.
But you don't get to pick your family.
You think I picked mine?
Aunt Daphne the Flat-Earther?
My brother Jim
with the white stuff
in the corners of his mouth
or his wife with the rat in her pocket
or your cousin Liam
with the vibrating eye.
When it comes to family,
you get what you get.
And you two got each other.
And you got me.
And we are a village.
I'm going home.
No, you stay. I'll go home.
You guys, I am your home.
I am also still your mother
and neither one of you
are leaving until you make up.
Yeah, that doesn't work anymore, Mom.
Why?!
♪♪
[Exhales deeply]
I thought you were leaving.
I'm calling a Lyft.
Where's your car?
I don't want to talk about it.
I thought you were leaving.
I have to wait for Celia.
Sorry, your mom just stopped hugging me.
Nothing?
Okay, well, we'll see you
at Christmas then.
Come on, Celia, let's get out of here.
Fred, stop.
You are kind of being the worst.
We've been semi-serious for a month,
and super serious for two months,
and I didn't even know you had a sister.
I'm not going anywhere with you
until you deal with this family stuff.
Like a grown-ass man.
You know how lucky you are
to have a mother
who cares that much?
My mother wouldn't fly out here
to throw holy water on me.
Am I the only one who was moved
by that village speech?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go to work.
I have to livestream myself
buying oat milk.
You want to come?
You can be my fake date now.
Good enough for prom,
good enough for tonight.
[Laughs]
He wasn't my fake date!
Do you want a ride?
I want a beer.
♪♪
[Knock on door]
[Door opens]
Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for
You okay?
No.
I was I was talking to Ripper.
Hey, um, I, uh I heard
a lot of what went on
'cause your family's very, very loud.
I can't believe they walked out.
Yeah.
You were right.
They're done with me.
That's not quite what I said.
I've lived my whole life for those two.
Mm.
I have made serious personal sacrifices.
My only vacation was
dropping them at Astro Camp.
I got my bras
from my gym's lost and found.
And I think this one was lost
on purpose.
I cover up the grey in my hair
with a Sharpie.
Even now, I haven't had sex
in four years.
And it was four years before that.
It should be an Olympic sport.
You are a plain-talking woman,
aren't you, Jean?
This sucks.
You get 18 years of keeping them alive
around an inch of water,
and when they can finally do
something interesting,
you don't even get to enjoy
the fruits of your labor.
What's the point?
The satisfaction in knowing
that you raised
healthy, interesting,
relatively independent adults.
Big whoop.
I'm all alone.
Well, alone's not so bad.
You know, since Cheryl left,
I can cook fish in the house.
I can eat it in my undies.
Also allowed
to use the word "undies" now.
Cheryl had a lot of rules.
[Cries]
Oh.
Hey.
Thanks for being here.
You really are an Incredi-host.
I try to think of all the amenities:
you know, sulfate-free shampoo,
a welcome basket of fruit,
emotional support.
You have good lips.
Well, I was gonna say
you have good lips, too.
♪♪
I can't believe she came here.
You know the reason that she came here
is 'cause she doesn't respect me.
- [Scoffs]
- She just waltzed right into my apartment.
She didn't knock, nothing.
I'm a grown-ass man.
Oh, please, Freddie. You love it.
What do I love?
Being her little baby boy.
She still buys your socks.
No.
So?
So that means all
the responsibility is on me.
For everything. The daily phone calls.
The birthday cards.
The endless computer
and smartphone tutorials.
I mean, how many times
do I have to show her
how to take a selfie?
And who is she sending the selfies to?
Of course.
Also, guess who's gonna take
care of her when she's decrepit.
So don't do it if you don't want to.
Okay, sure. Then what'll happen to her?
We just put her on a log
and float her out to sea?
Why are we talking about this?
I'm gonna have nightmares.
'Cause I'm the one
that thinks about these things
and makes a plan for the day people die.
While you play stupid video games.
Which is my career.
Yeah, 'cause you get to do
whatever you want.
And I'm not fun.
- What?
- That's what Andy said.
He said I was already a boring old lady.
And then he took the Nissan
and he drove away.
The car lease was in his name.
The apartment lease was in mine.
Critical error.
Not really.
It would suck to live in a Nissan.
Why'd you stop calling me?
I just wanted to see,
if I wasn't the one to call you,
if I'd ever hear from you again.
So, it was like a test?
Yeah.
Like a Spanish test.
- You suck.
- [Laughs]
I'm not in seventh grade
anymore, you know?
You're not? How are you different?
I go all the way with my girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
Is that all you've got?
Honestly, yeah.
[Both laugh]
I mean, what else is there?
It's called all the way.
- That's true.
- That's it.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs]
You know, maybe we can just try
to have a grown-up relationship.
Where I-I'm not the loser little brother
and you don't have to be perfect
all the time.
Okay.
And maybe you can get Mom
the birthday card this year.
Yes, I totally could.
When's her birthday?
♪♪
This is probably a terrible idea.
It's absolutely a terrible idea.
I don't care. Do you?
Less by the second.
[Door opens]
- [Gasps]
- No!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
Ah! I haven't been kissed in five years!
I thought you said you
haven't had sex in four years?
But I haven't been kissed in five.
Mom!
We came back here 'cause we felt bad
about walking out on you.
And you're here making out
with a stranger?
Not making out. And not a stranger.
This is Danny, my Incredi-host.
Ew. I don't even want to know
what that means.
It's really just a sticker
for my water bottle.
Who are you?
I don't know!
If I'm not your mother, do I even exist?
[Sighs]
Okay. I'm gonna head off.
Uh it's really nice to meet you both.
I have heard so, so, so,
so, so much about you.
[Chuckles]
I always had this idea
that we should be a village.
Always here for each other
if we need something.
That's why I wanted to be close to you.
But you're adults now,
and if you don't want that,
I can't force it.
So just know
that I'm a phone call away
and that I love you.
And also: I'm sorry.
Sometimes I hold on too tight
because I'm afraid of losing you,
because, well, you know.
I got ditched by the person
I thought I was gonna marry.
I started sleeping with my boss
who's so old that people think
I'm his nurse.
It was hard to tell you on the phone.
Maybe it would have been easier
if you were here.
And Celia would totally leave me
if she knew I'd never bought
my own socks
or favorite toilet paper.
A-And maybe if you were here,
you could show me
where to get that stuff.
Really? I feel like
she could text you that.
Stop ruining my thing with Mom!
I could stay a while.
[Sighs]
I like this.
Yeah.
Maybe you could learn to knock, though,
- you know, instead of just walking in.
- Shhh.
[Chuckles] Two days in Los Angeles
and you're making out with a stranger
and you got a therapist?
Yeah, it was kind of a two-for-one deal.
You know how much I love those.
[Chuckles]
And we didn't make out.
We almost kissed.
Jeannie, I went to high school with you.
We both know an "almost kiss"
is a light beer away from antibiotics.
When are you coming back?
I don't know yet.
They need me.
If I don't call you for four days,
will you come check on me in Iowa?
Aww.
[Smooches]
[Sighs]
♪♪
♪♪
Freddie, it's your mom. Call me.
Freddie.Mom.Call me
Freddie, call me back.
Freddie. Freddie. Freddie. Freddie?
Oh, Freddie! Finally.
Nope. Not Freddie.
It's Jackie, your good child.
Oh, shoot.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm sorry. I'm just worried
about your brother.
He's fine.
I'm sure he'll get back to you
when he stops being stupid.
Freddie's not stupid, Jackie.
Come on. The kid failed
"Spanish I" three times.
They were finally just like,
"No más, por favor."
Be nice. He's not like you.
By the time you were in L.A. for a year,
you had a job, boyfriend.
What does Freddie have?
Nada. He just doesn't know
how to say it.
Relax. I'm sure you'll hear
from him soon.
Okay.
I'm sure you're right.
Thanks, Sweetie.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too.
[Sighs]
So you're not going to tell her
you're flying out there to check on him?
No, she'd just try to talk me out of it.
It's been four days since
I've heard from him, Sharon.
I get it.
When Ted Jr. first got married,
I didn't hear from him for a month,
and I freaked out.
Turns out that nasty old wife of his
saved my name in his phone
as "Spam Risk."
But flying out to Los Angeles is insane,
even for you, Jean.
Sweetie, ever since you lost Mike,
if you don't hear back
from someone right away,
you immediately assume the worst.
You have issues, Jean.
This isn't a dead husband thing.
Trust me. I just know my own kid.
The reason Freddie
failed "Spanish I" three times
is because he couldn't ask
the teacher for help.
His silence is a scream.
So, how long are you staying out there?
As long as he needs me.
So, what are you thinking?
- Pornos?
- Oh!
It's California. He's good-looking.
Spells pornos to me.
Oh, for cripes sake, Sharon.
It's Freddie.
When was the last time you saw
a good-looking guy in a porno?
Not since everybody went hairless.
Really? I don't mind that.
Mm.
I don't know
who I'm supposed to be anymore.
If I'm not mothering,
am I still a mother?
If I'm not teaching anymore,
am I still a teacher?
I think you're overreacting.
Do we even exist, Sharon?
Well, maybe this is when we get
to slow down
and contemplate our quiet wisdom.
Maybe.
[Horn honks]
We're contemplating, ya dick!
Go around!
♪♪
♪♪
Ooh, well, hello!
Oh, who are you?
Oh, that's quite a face you have there.
You might want to get off the ground.
Ripper has a tendency to hump.
So do I.
Oh!
Hi. Uh, I'm Jean.
- I'm your renter.
- Hi. Ripper, inside.
I'm Danny. Uh, I'm your host.
Actually, I just became an Incredi-host,
which is, uh It's a pretty big deal
in the hosting world.
Um, they sent me a little sticker
for my water bottle.
Anyway, come on in. Come on in.
- [Camera shutter clicks]
- Everything okay?
I watch a lot of "Forensic Files"
nondescript white male
luring women to his guest house.
I just texted your photo
and address to my friend Sharon.
She's a security guard
at Ross Dress For Less.
She took a hanger to the neck
during Black Friday
and still finished her shift.
So, if you murder me,
you won't get away with it.
Okay. Lots to take in there.
Yet all I can really think about
is being described as "nondescript."
Ooh, wow!
This is nice.
Thank you.
I, uh I built it
for my wife's parents.
Unfortunately, my wife left.
But fortunately,
she took her parents with her.
So, you're divorced?
Uh, I'm en route.
My wife and I dropped
our daughter at college,
and I turned to her and said,
"Finally, it's our time."
And she said "God, no. It's me time."
And then her lawyers started
billing me for their time.
So, Airbnb time.
Anyway, clearly, I'm feeling
a bit sorry for myself.
My husband died
when my kids were 11 and 8.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I really wish you'd gone first.
Told your story first, not died.
So, what brings you to California?
Uh, somehow both my kids ended up here.
You know, I think my son is in trouble.
He hasn't called me back in four days.
Four days?
And you flew all the way to Los Angeles?
My kids and I are very connected.
Honestly, I'd still be breastfeeding
if we lived in France.
[Laughs]
Okay. Uh, we got a full kitchen.
There is a separate bedroom,
much like my wife and I had
towards the end.
- Oh.
- She blamed it on my snoring.
I think it was more to do
with the 30-year-old lifeguard
she was sleeping with.
I don't know why I told you that.
Oh, people tell me stuff.
It's kind of a thing with me.
Which is why it bothers me so much
that I don't know
what's going on with my son.
Ah, well, you know,
sometimes you have to wait
for people to come to you.
Yeah.
I'm more of a hunt them down
and force my love on them
kind of person.
So when you watch "Forensic Files,"
whose side are you on there, Jean?
Always on the side of the mom.
♪♪
Just remember, whatever's going
on with Freddie, stay calm.
Even if it's hookers.
It's not hookers, Sharon!
You know I browbeat a healthy
respect for women into that boy.
I'll call you later.
Oh, thank God.
Freddie!
Mom! Oh, Mom!
Um, Celia, my mom's here!
Oh, my God, that's your mom?
Freddie, you didn't tell me
your mom was coming.
I didn't know my mom was coming.
Mom, what are you
what are you doing here?
I brought you socks
and the toilet paper you like.
You know, your door
was unlocked, Freddie.
And almost all my murder shows
start with an unlocked door
in a bad neighborhood.
This isn't a bad neighborhood.
There's a pot store on the corner.
It's Los Angeles, Mom.
There's a pot store on every corner.
Why haven't I heard from you?
I've been really busy.
Of course. I understand that.
Do you need help, Freddie?
I'm here now. Just ask.
What?
What? Oh, my God.
Mom, is this about Spanish?
Ms. Fuentes was there for you.
She offered to meet with you
after school,
but you kept saying, "I've got this."
But you didn't have it, Freddie.
You needed help.
Yeah, Mom, that was in seventh grade!
I'm 23 years old,
and I'm a grown-ass man.
Grown-ass men can fall
through the cracks.
A lot of them are
outside that pot shop right now.
[Camera shutter clicks]
Do you want me to tag you in this?
Who is this?
Mom, this is Celia.
Uh, Celia's my
Don't be dumb, Fred. Say it.
My Bae.
I am so happy to meet you.
Freddie talks about you all the time.
Really? Because I've never heard
about you.
But I'd like to.
Where are you from?
What do you do for a living?
Do twins run in your family?
No, no, no, no. We're not doing this.
Born in Cuba, raised in Laurel Canyon.
I'm a social media influencer.
Mom's a twin and so is my aunt.
- Mm.
- Hey, Mom.
- Yeah?
- I'm serious.
You can't just show up
to my apartment unannounced.
I'm not some visitor.
I birthed you.
You're part of my body.
A person doesn't have to call to say
they're visiting their left breast.
That's true.
It's not like I make a habit
of showing up unannounced.
I haven't seen you in months.
I've never even been
to this new apartment,
which is shockingly nice, by the way.
Why "shockingly nice"?
Hey, Mom, I've been
at a gaming convention
for the last five days.
I sold that game I've been working on.
- [Gasps]
- It's It's a big deal.
Oh, honey, you sold your game?
Oh, that's a huge deal!
Do the women look like real women?
Yeah, Mom, I took all your notes.
Oh, congratulations!
I'm so proud of you!
We have to celebrate.
Yeah, well, we kinda were. [Chuckles]
Oh. Oh!
Sorry. I guess I interrupted.
I-I'll, um I'll leave you guys to it.
Uh, Mom, I'm I'm sorry.
Wait. Uh, how long are you in town?
Maybe we can celebrate tomorrow?
Oh. Sure.
Um, I could cook dinner at my place.
I'll make my famous meatloaf.
And, you, Bae, are, of course, welcome.
Nope. [Chuckles] Her name is Celia.
Uh, I'll call your sister and Andy.
You have a sister, Fred?
She doesn't know Jackie?
Uh
Yeah, I don't
I don't really talk to Jackie
these days.
I have a cousin named Jackie
whom I also don't talk to.
That's weird, right?
What do you mean you don't talk to her?
She lives in Florida. Deep Florida.
I mean, she doesn't call me.
So, if that's the way that she wants it,
it's fine with me, I guess.
Why would she want it that way?
Because that's where her parents live.
♪♪
Sharon! Freddie is alive
and he has a girlfriend.
And get this. Freddie and Jackie
haven't spoken in months.
What? Those two used to be inseparable.
They used to take baths together.
I know. I got kicked off of Facebook
for posting the video.
How could anybody be offended
by that little dangle?
I'm at Jackie's. I'll call you later.
[Sighs]
Hello. I-Is Jackie here?
Whatever it is, she's not gonna sign it.
She doesn't believe in anything.
What? I don't like that.
I'm her mother.
You're Jackie's mother?
Yes. Jackie's mother.
At Jackie's apartment.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Lane.
I live with Jackie.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Raines.
Ah.
Where's Andy?
Okay, um, Andy is
Jackie's ex-boyfriend, right?
Ex-boyfriend? Since when?
Well, before my time,
but I think the ghosting
happened four months ago.
Not ghost like "boo."
Ghost like "bye, boo."
A-Andy just left?
And now you two are dating?
Oh, no. I'm gay.
Yeah, you couldn't tell.
I'm not really "L.A. gay" yet.
I did okay in Wooster.
That's where I'm from.
I mean, it's very low-key homo there.
Like, the grooming shop at Petco
was kind of a scene,
but nothing like here.
Jackie's right.
You're very easy to talk to.
[Chuckles]
Why is Jackie keeping secrets from me?
She broke up with Andy and she's
not speaking to her brother?
Jackie has a brother?
What the hell?
Jackie's very private.
Like, I only found out
about her dating Hank
because the walls are so thin.
Wh-Who's Hank?
Her boss.
I shouldn't say more. He's old.
That's all you're getting out of me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.
Okay. That's enough.
Lane, you and Jackie are coming
over for dinner tomorrow night.
We're gonna get this
whole thing out in the open.
And I apologize in advance.
It could get ugly.
I came out to my parents
on the drive to Bible Camp.
You don't know ugly.
How did this happen?
I was always the mom who had
the special bond with her kids.
They used to tell me everything.
I was the first person
that Freddie called
when he thought he lost his virginity.
Hmm. So to answer your question,
uh, the Wi-Fi password is
on the back of the router.
It's "kookaburra."
Sorry. I guess that's a lot.
I just never wanted to be the mom
whose kids ended up in therapy,
talking to some overpriced quack
who wasn't smart enough
to be a real doctor.
I'm a therapist.
Kookaburra, you say?
Look, I know you want to be
close to your kids, of course.
But sometimes when we lose
someone prematurely,
like you have with your husband,
it can cause us to hold on
to those we love tighter
than we would otherwise
when what's really needed
is to let them go.
Wow, you're good.
[Knock on door]
They're here. Get out.
Yes, okay. I will I will leave,
but hey, don't please don't
let your time with family
affect your review, okay?
Just remember that your stay
here can still be five stars
even though your kids are like two.
Okay, I'll go.
- Hi.
- Mom, I can't believe you're here.
I-I can't believe you went over
to my apartment.
I can't believe you pumped
my friend for information
about my personal life.
Not pumped.
Charmed.
Jackie, why didn't you tell me
that you and Andy broke up?
Mom! Why did you invite Jackie?
Oh, you're Jackie?
You look nothing like my cousin Jackie.
Well, my cousin Jackie doesn't
even look like my cousin Jackie.
She got a new chin.
Oh, I love your house.
So many great backgrounds.
Jackie, say hi to your brother.
He really missed you.
- I didn't say that.
- Mm.
Well, she misses you.
I said he was stupid.
Come on, you guys.
You have to patch things up.
Oh, is this why you flew out here?
To butt into my life?
No. I flew out here
to butt into Freddie's life.
But then I find out that
somehow Freddie's doing great
and you're a mess.
Oh, "somehow" Freddie is doing great.
Thanks, Mom.
"Somehow" doing great in his
"shockingly" nice apartment.
Hi. Celia. Cute top. Cute bottoms.
Lane. Thanks.
Cute everything on you, too.
How long have you been
dating Fred's sister?
Oh, we're not dating. I'm gay.
Don't worry that you couldn't tell.
Hmm, I could tell. I just didn't
know if you could tell.
We talk every day.
But I have to come here to find out
that you're dating an old man
and Freddie's dating
a brunette.
You guys, let me tell you a story.
When your dad died,
I felt completely alone.
But you know who showed up
for me every day?
My family.
Yep. With board games
and terrible, terrible food.
So much tuna hot dish.
And they they got me through it.
But you don't get to pick your family.
You think I picked mine?
Aunt Daphne the Flat-Earther?
My brother Jim
with the white stuff
in the corners of his mouth
or his wife with the rat in her pocket
or your cousin Liam
with the vibrating eye.
When it comes to family,
you get what you get.
And you two got each other.
And you got me.
And we are a village.
I'm going home.
No, you stay. I'll go home.
You guys, I am your home.
I am also still your mother
and neither one of you
are leaving until you make up.
Yeah, that doesn't work anymore, Mom.
Why?!
♪♪
[Exhales deeply]
I thought you were leaving.
I'm calling a Lyft.
Where's your car?
I don't want to talk about it.
I thought you were leaving.
I have to wait for Celia.
Sorry, your mom just stopped hugging me.
Nothing?
Okay, well, we'll see you
at Christmas then.
Come on, Celia, let's get out of here.
Fred, stop.
You are kind of being the worst.
We've been semi-serious for a month,
and super serious for two months,
and I didn't even know you had a sister.
I'm not going anywhere with you
until you deal with this family stuff.
Like a grown-ass man.
You know how lucky you are
to have a mother
who cares that much?
My mother wouldn't fly out here
to throw holy water on me.
Am I the only one who was moved
by that village speech?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go to work.
I have to livestream myself
buying oat milk.
You want to come?
You can be my fake date now.
Good enough for prom,
good enough for tonight.
[Laughs]
He wasn't my fake date!
Do you want a ride?
I want a beer.
♪♪
[Knock on door]
[Door opens]
Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for
You okay?
No.
I was I was talking to Ripper.
Hey, um, I, uh I heard
a lot of what went on
'cause your family's very, very loud.
I can't believe they walked out.
Yeah.
You were right.
They're done with me.
That's not quite what I said.
I've lived my whole life for those two.
Mm.
I have made serious personal sacrifices.
My only vacation was
dropping them at Astro Camp.
I got my bras
from my gym's lost and found.
And I think this one was lost
on purpose.
I cover up the grey in my hair
with a Sharpie.
Even now, I haven't had sex
in four years.
And it was four years before that.
It should be an Olympic sport.
You are a plain-talking woman,
aren't you, Jean?
This sucks.
You get 18 years of keeping them alive
around an inch of water,
and when they can finally do
something interesting,
you don't even get to enjoy
the fruits of your labor.
What's the point?
The satisfaction in knowing
that you raised
healthy, interesting,
relatively independent adults.
Big whoop.
I'm all alone.
Well, alone's not so bad.
You know, since Cheryl left,
I can cook fish in the house.
I can eat it in my undies.
Also allowed
to use the word "undies" now.
Cheryl had a lot of rules.
[Cries]
Oh.
Hey.
Thanks for being here.
You really are an Incredi-host.
I try to think of all the amenities:
you know, sulfate-free shampoo,
a welcome basket of fruit,
emotional support.
You have good lips.
Well, I was gonna say
you have good lips, too.
♪♪
I can't believe she came here.
You know the reason that she came here
is 'cause she doesn't respect me.
- [Scoffs]
- She just waltzed right into my apartment.
She didn't knock, nothing.
I'm a grown-ass man.
Oh, please, Freddie. You love it.
What do I love?
Being her little baby boy.
She still buys your socks.
No.
So?
So that means all
the responsibility is on me.
For everything. The daily phone calls.
The birthday cards.
The endless computer
and smartphone tutorials.
I mean, how many times
do I have to show her
how to take a selfie?
And who is she sending the selfies to?
Of course.
Also, guess who's gonna take
care of her when she's decrepit.
So don't do it if you don't want to.
Okay, sure. Then what'll happen to her?
We just put her on a log
and float her out to sea?
Why are we talking about this?
I'm gonna have nightmares.
'Cause I'm the one
that thinks about these things
and makes a plan for the day people die.
While you play stupid video games.
Which is my career.
Yeah, 'cause you get to do
whatever you want.
And I'm not fun.
- What?
- That's what Andy said.
He said I was already a boring old lady.
And then he took the Nissan
and he drove away.
The car lease was in his name.
The apartment lease was in mine.
Critical error.
Not really.
It would suck to live in a Nissan.
Why'd you stop calling me?
I just wanted to see,
if I wasn't the one to call you,
if I'd ever hear from you again.
So, it was like a test?
Yeah.
Like a Spanish test.
- You suck.
- [Laughs]
I'm not in seventh grade
anymore, you know?
You're not? How are you different?
I go all the way with my girlfriend.
Oh, my God.
Is that all you've got?
Honestly, yeah.
[Both laugh]
I mean, what else is there?
It's called all the way.
- That's true.
- That's it.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs]
You know, maybe we can just try
to have a grown-up relationship.
Where I-I'm not the loser little brother
and you don't have to be perfect
all the time.
Okay.
And maybe you can get Mom
the birthday card this year.
Yes, I totally could.
When's her birthday?
♪♪
This is probably a terrible idea.
It's absolutely a terrible idea.
I don't care. Do you?
Less by the second.
[Door opens]
- [Gasps]
- No!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
Ah! I haven't been kissed in five years!
I thought you said you
haven't had sex in four years?
But I haven't been kissed in five.
Mom!
We came back here 'cause we felt bad
about walking out on you.
And you're here making out
with a stranger?
Not making out. And not a stranger.
This is Danny, my Incredi-host.
Ew. I don't even want to know
what that means.
It's really just a sticker
for my water bottle.
Who are you?
I don't know!
If I'm not your mother, do I even exist?
[Sighs]
Okay. I'm gonna head off.
Uh it's really nice to meet you both.
I have heard so, so, so,
so, so much about you.
[Chuckles]
I always had this idea
that we should be a village.
Always here for each other
if we need something.
That's why I wanted to be close to you.
But you're adults now,
and if you don't want that,
I can't force it.
So just know
that I'm a phone call away
and that I love you.
And also: I'm sorry.
Sometimes I hold on too tight
because I'm afraid of losing you,
because, well, you know.
I got ditched by the person
I thought I was gonna marry.
I started sleeping with my boss
who's so old that people think
I'm his nurse.
It was hard to tell you on the phone.
Maybe it would have been easier
if you were here.
And Celia would totally leave me
if she knew I'd never bought
my own socks
or favorite toilet paper.
A-And maybe if you were here,
you could show me
where to get that stuff.
Really? I feel like
she could text you that.
Stop ruining my thing with Mom!
I could stay a while.
[Sighs]
I like this.
Yeah.
Maybe you could learn to knock, though,
- you know, instead of just walking in.
- Shhh.
[Chuckles] Two days in Los Angeles
and you're making out with a stranger
and you got a therapist?
Yeah, it was kind of a two-for-one deal.
You know how much I love those.
[Chuckles]
And we didn't make out.
We almost kissed.
Jeannie, I went to high school with you.
We both know an "almost kiss"
is a light beer away from antibiotics.
When are you coming back?
I don't know yet.
They need me.
If I don't call you for four days,
will you come check on me in Iowa?
Aww.
[Smooches]
[Sighs]
♪♪
♪♪